Savant Firith'rar vs. Savant Aul Celsus

Savant Firith'rar

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow, Obelisk
vs.

Savant Aul Celsus

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Consular
Comment

Well this is certainly a close match! Far closer than the scores make it look. Really, there's just a point in syntax keeping this from a tie.

Neither of you should feel bad about what has been placed here. Firith, you are very new to the ACC. Aul, on the other hand, is a practiced hand and a runner-up in the Journeyman Tournament. Yet you seemed completely on equal footing here. I must admit, I would have liked to see this as the final bout of this tournament. You both deserve to be there based on what I see here.

However, only one can be the winner. It was tight but the cleanliness of Aul's posts and the strength of his descriptive narrative bring the trophy into his hands.

The scores are tallied. The winner is Savant Aul Celsus.

Looking forward to more!

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition The Harrowing
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Firith'rar, Savant Aul Celsus
Winner Savant Aul Celsus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Firith'rar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Aul Celsus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 8 June, 2017 6:49 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Benn Nevis Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Most of your issues were in the first post, whereas the second one was more a case of missed commas so your sentence flow suffered. Rationale: Only a few issues per post. Well polished but room for improvement.
Story - 40%
Benn Nevis Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: This is a great showing with motivations and strength of characters. I would have liked for the comedic tone of your final post to show through in your opening post as well. Perhaps a bit more growth of motivations other than "oh we are here and now we fight" but it was very good. Rationale: Your imagery and word choice were fantastic throughout. The main point of issue bringing you back from a full 5 in this category was the shallow quality of the motivation and ending. You just kind of leave. There's no hint at repercussions to come from these actions. Nor is there a real heavy motivator delved into for leading into this fight. You hint at something bigger in your final post but never really do so beyond that.
Realism - 25%
Benn Nevis Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Small issue in the first post. Easy to slip up on when we know members OOC. Actions must adhere to the aspects on the sheets in the ACC and Fictions, though less strictly enforced in the latter. Minor hit. Rationale: Small issue in the first post. We know that Barrier can block objects such as flame projectors (thanks Vader comics!) but Force Push has never been shown doing anything similar. It also doesn't move the air in our system, just the objects. Minor hit.
Continuity - 20%
Benn Nevis Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Benn Nevis's Score: 4.05 Aul Celsus's Score: 4.2
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

I can't kriffin believe this shavit! Firith thought to himself as he looked around the abandoned temple grounds. I just finished a sanction and now I have to do one of these idiot matches! Sang is going to have a lot to answer for when I get out of here.

Firith slogged his way through the jungle and ruins towards the main building. The plant life of Dromund Kaas had reclaimed much of the Dark Temple of the Sith, but the majesty and beauty of it could still be seen. I wonder whom I am going to fight.

Concentrating Firith reached out with his mind, trying to sense what or who might be waiting for him inside the temple. At first he sensed a jumble of raw feelings, concentrating a little harder, he lifted his hand and focused his thoughts. He was rewarded with chaos and anger from multiple sources. Hmmmm...This might be interesting. Turning around he tried casting further afield into the surrounding jungle. There, faintly, he felt the presence of a fellow clansman approaching up the trail from the clearing where his shuttle was parked.

Right, time to hide and give them the saber in the back treatment. Firith grinned to himself as he vanished from sight and moved into the temple.

“Wow, what a dump!” Savant Aul Celsus muttered as he came into the overgrown courtyard leading to the temple. Stopping, he closed his eyes and held up his hand, fingers outspread. He could feel the anger and hatred of the dead Sith inside the temple, then just a tickle. Focusing on it, the Savant felt the vague presence, lighter, not as hateful among the swirling mess inside. AH! Yes, there he is. I thought that was his ship I parked by. Damn, now what?

Aul drew his saber and flicked it on. Let's see if I can get this done with quickly. Lighting the way with the blue white blade, he stepped into the once beautiful foyer and strode into the decayed temple.

Firith had perched himself above the floor on the base of a statue next to the door. Whomever the poor bastard was that was coming in was going to have to walk right past and under him, perfect for what he had in mind. The old Jedi could see the light glowing from the dim hall as his opponent approached. Reaching to his belt he unclipped his own saber and held it up over his shoulder like a spear, his finger on the switch.

Aul strode into the room stepping over the roots of a tree that grew nearby. "Stormwind? I know you're in here! I thought I recognised your ship when I landed. By the way, your wife told me to say hello if I happened to run into you."

Huh, It's Aul, let's see...fast, healer, Gray and never shuts up apparently. The older man thought as he watched his fellow Sadowan wander around near the door and then into the main chamber.

Healer, huh? Heal this! Igniting his saber, Firith threw it like a spear, guiding the red bladed missile with his mind at the left knee of his foe.

Aul didn't hear the saber igniting due to the humming if his own, but something warned him to move from where he was standing.

He jumped sideways, flinging himself out of the way of the deadly missile and avoiding having it drilled through his knee.

Instead it barely grazed him, scoring a slash down the outside of the calf of his left leg.

Aul tumbled into a vine wrapped stone as Firith recalled his saber to his hand and turned it off. Ducking into the shadows of the wall he jumped down and shifted position to attack from behind again.

Looking over the vegetation he watched as Aul gritted his teeth and then put his hands over the wound. Sweat forming on his brow the Savant concentrated on helping the wound to his leg.

"Sorry, I can't have that now," Firith said taking a pouch of blinding dust off his belt and throwing it at the Gray Jedi.

Hearing Firith's voice Aul twisted around to see the Dark Jedi perched on a stone behind him, like a grouchy old gargoyle. The flickering lighting in the clouds briefly illuminated the Night Hawk.

It also allowed Aul to see the bag of dust coming at him. "Are you insane you--"

And the bag hit the ground in front of him, exploding in a glittering cloud.

Darth Renatus, 9 June, 2017 12:45 AM UTC

Syntax

Concentrating[,] Firith reached out with his mind, trying to sense what or who might be waiting for him inside the temple.

This should have a comma after the first word for proper sentence flow.

At first he sensed a jumble of raw feelings[. C]oncentrating a little harder, he lifted his hand and focused his thoughts.

This section should be split into two sentences, as above.

Lighting the way with the [blue-white] blade

The highlight section above should be hyphenated into one word.

Huh, It's Aul, let's see...fast, healer, Gray and never shuts up apparently. The older man thought

Here is an instance of "thought" dialogue. I say dialogue so the grammar rules are less confusing. Much like with dialogue, you would exit out with a comma and a lowercase "T" here as it follows the "he said, she said" formula. Beyond that, you should not follow the comma after "Huh" with a capital "It's".

humming [of] his own

Typo here, "if" instead of "of".

Aul didn't hear the saber igniting due to the humming if his own, but something warned him to move from where he was standing.

[...]

Sweat forming on his brow the Savant concentrated on helping the wound to his leg.

Not sure why this section was broken up into single sentence paragraphs. It didn't provide any apparent benefit to the flow of the narrative.

Ducking into the shadows of the wall[,] he jumped down and shifted position to attack from behind again.

Missed comma here. There are several such issues in this post and I didn't identify them all.

The flickering lighting in the clouds

This should be "lightning".


Story

I like seeing this quick setup and then a jump into the action. I feel like you took a serious look at your first match and took the suggestions therein across to this match. That's awesome to see! Keep it up.


Realism

Aul strode into the room stepping over the roots of a tree that grew nearby. "Stormwind? I know you're in here! I thought I recognised your ship when I landed. By the way, your wife told me to say hello if I happened to run into you."

Huh, It's Aul, let's see...fast, healer, Gray and never shuts up apparently.

Between the Aspects "If I must..." and "Due Diligence", this depiction of Aul seems at odds with his sheet. I'm also not quite sure within the context of the narrative how/why Firith'rar has such conclusions about Aul but I can make an educated guess it's due him working with "your wife".

Poof!

Aul coughed and sputtered as the dust filled his lungs and agitated the membranes around his eyes. His huddled outline could be made out in the chamber as the noxious cloud cleared, illuminated by the soft blue of his lightsaber from beneath the shroud of the weathered cloak he had taken refuge behind just before most of the dust could impact him. He felt a nagging tug at the back of his mind urging him to move. With all the strength he could muster out of his wounded leg, he pushed off the ground and rolled forward just as Firith’s lightsaber flew through the space where his head had been.

Without the use of his vision and no time to focus on sensing his surroundings, Aul misjudged his trajectory and clipped one of the statues in the great chamber. His shoulder squarely caught the stone base sending a jolt of pain through the right side of his body and sending a chunk of aged stone soaring a fair distance down the hall. A number of small animals could be heard skittering in various directions as the wayward projectile hit the ground and slid between the brush of the overgrown chamber.

Flattened onto his back, Aul called into the darkness, “You lunatic!”

“Thank ye,” Firith snarled as his feet landed silently next to the Dakhani. The Dark Jedi’s crimson blade sizzled through the humid air of the ruins as his ferocious downward strike closed in on the Gray Jedi.

Aul frantically rolled away as Firith chased after him with passionate determination, unleashing a series of quick swipes in an apparent attempt to julienne his clanmate. As he fought to build some distance from the Dark Jedi, Aul took advantage of the Ragnosian’s singularly focused attention and with each roll took care of one of his wounds. First, clot the calf. Roll. Next, dull the shoulder. Roll. Lastly, drain the dust. Roll. With his injuries blunted just enough to make him functional, he turned his attention to his would-be executioner.

Aul called upon the energies of the rich fauna surrounding them and channeled their essence into his musculature. He rolled onto his stomach and with a mighty thrust launched himself three meters into the air. Firith’s gaze followed Aul as he took to momentary flight, the grip on his lightsaber’s hilt balance point tightening. While still airborne, Aul reached out and activated the flame projector worn on his left wrist. A brilliant blaze erupted from the device in a cone directed at Firith’s face, lightning the gaze of the spectating statues around them.

“Gah!” Firith screamed out as his aging beard and goatee began to singe. The Ragnosian reached painfully into the flames with his left hand open and made a pushing motion in the Dakhani’s direction. A pulse-wave propagated through the blast, dispersing it along with the air and catching Aul in the chest.

“Oof!” Aul exclaimed, the breath knocked from his lungs, as his accelerated momentum sent him higher than he would’ve liked. His back smacked into the face of one of the statues, lengthening an existing fracture along its neck to completion. The head of the statue, freshly separated from its body, began to fall to the ground along with Aul. Aul quickly tucked his knees up to his chest, the soles of his feet squared onto the forehead of the ancient warrior and pushed off. As he plummeted downwards towards Firith like a missile, he extended the ignited lightsaber in his right hand.

Firith, with the shoulders of his matte black armor still smoking, braced himself low in a stable, balanced stance, his blade held horizontally above him in a high guard. Their blades met solidly and the two combatants tumbled backwards with the immense inertia of Aul’s attack. Hitting the ground with a loud crash, their lightsabers flew from their grips. The hilts bounced with a muffled metallic clank into the undergrowth beside them.

The Sadowans rolled in a messy knot, each warrior struggling to gain the advantage. Firith fluidly unleashed a swift series of open-handed strikes at Aul’s eyes and throat, but found himself countered with equally timed, gripped blocks.

Aul pulled back his right hand and shifted his wrist to unsheath the hollow core ceramic blade housed in his wrist-worn vibroblade. Shing! He thrust the blade at Firith’s throat but narrowly missed and only manage to score the flesh a few millimeters from his carotid, letting loose a steady but non-lethal drip of deep, red blood. Firith nimbly reach back to his second bag of blinding dust and cocked his arm back over his head.

Not again..., Aul frustratedly thought as Firith’s face broke into a wild grin.

Poof!

Darth Renatus, 9 June, 2017 1:04 AM UTC

Syntax

His shoulder squarely caught the stone base sending a jolt of pain through the right side of his body and sending a chunk of aged stone soaring a fair distance down the hall.

Careful of repetition. Namely "sending a [...]" is a repeated phrase here. Vary it up to maintain interest in your writing.

A brilliant blaze erupted from the device in a cone directed at Firith’s face, [lightening] the gaze of the spectating statues around them.

This should be "lightening", as I don't believe it's the flash-crash forked prong in the skies above but rather the glow of the flames.

Firith nimbly reach back to his second bag of blinding dust and cocked his arm back over his head.

This should be past tense with "reached".


Realism

The Ragnosian reached painfully into the flames with his left hand open and made a pushing motion in the Dakhani’s direction. A pulse-wave propagated through the blast, dispersing it along with the air and catching Aul in the chest.

Neither member involved has the TK Wave or Pound ability. It's just the standard TK. In this sense, the Push is applied directly to the object he is "pushing" against. It wouldn't disperse the air or the flames. Catching Aul is fine, that's the matter you're moving. If he wanted to push the flames it would have to be each and every particle of matter within the flames and that just... that's a pathway to fire and water bending which is very much not a thing in Star Wars. That is why the Skills page on the Wiki focuses on Telekinesis as the manipulation of objects.

As Firith tried to jump back from the area affected by the glittery cloud that had enveloped Aul, a jagged piece of rock snagged his boot causing him to stagger and tumble. Reaching back to catch himself, his burned and blistered left hand was torn up by a bristly grass bush and he screamed in agony as the exposed nerves were scraped by the sharp blades of grass.

Cradling the hand to his chest he rolled into a fetal position and started sneezing from the dust inhaled.

Bending his will, he tried to convince himself he was okay, but each sneeze broke his concentration and jarred his hand.

Aul, however, had gotten a face full and was coughing and tearing up from the dust. “You-cough cough miserable krif- cough, snort, cough, wha-cough!” The Devil's Shroud member hacked and wheezed and finally fell to his knees; snot running from his nose, his eyes swollen red.

“Oh quit your cryin,” Firith said between sneezing. “As soon as I can get up, I'll give you somethin’ to cry about.” The older man gasped and then sneezed, eliciting another whimper and groan.

Using the last of his energy, Firith uncurled and tried to stand. The throbbing of his pulse in his hand kept him from focusing on his Forced based abilities. Okay, looks like I have to do this the old fashioned way. Gritting his teeth Firith forced himself to stand and looked at his still retching opponent.

“You! you’ve crippled me, damnit! Be thankful I'm going to kill you, because Lilith would otherwise.” Firith panted, spitting out words through the pain.

Staggering forward, Firith made an attempt to kick the Gray Jedi in front of him. The only thing that happened was that he lost his balance and fell over Aul, causing both of them to collapse to the ground again.

Aul tried to get up but had the same issue as Firith. The dust kept him from focusing. “I, I have to ask,” the Dakhani sputtered and wheezed. “ Why did, why have you been, att-attacking me?”

“Sang sent me,” Firith mumbled just before passing out from exhaustion and pain.

Some time later Firith came back to consciousness and found Aul kneeling next to him. The Savant was healing the burns he had inflicted. Firith jerked away and immediately regretted it as hundreds of tiny bolts of pain shot through his abused body.

Opening his eyes Aul looked at the aged man on the ground in front of him and stopped what he was doing. The Gray Jedi's eyes still showed the redness of taking a bag of dust to the face, but otherwise seemed fine.

“I have something I want you to watch,” he said, and got up and walked over to a holocommunicator sitting on rock near the entrance to the temple.

“How did we get outside? Oh damn, I hurt,” Firith groaned sitting up.

“I dragged you out, the Sith spirits kept bothering me when I finally was able deal with your damn dust.” The Consular said looking over his shoulder and giving Firith a wry look. “What did you mean when you said Sang sent you?”

Firith groaned and flopped back and looked at the clouds above. Sighing he shook his head. “If I get a call from Sang to go somewhere, it means he wants me to do my job. That means he wants me to remove someone.”

Aul cocked his head to the side, squinted his eyes, and crossed his arms. “Always?”

Groaning in frustration and pain, Firith slowly pulled himself​ up onto a fallen stone. “Yes, usually, why?”

Shaking his head at the Dark Jedi he had just been fighting, Aul rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he reached down and activated the holocommunicator.

After a brief flicker the image of Sang appeared. “Greetings Savant Aul Celsus, Savant Firith’rar Versea-Stormwind. I am sending you this message because I have a secret mission I feel the two of you will​ work well together on. Th--”

Pausing the recording, Aul turned and looked at the older man, “Always?”

Firith looked at the frozen image then up to look at Aul. Grinning feebly he had the good grace to look somewhat abashed. “Oops?”

Darth Renatus, 9 June, 2017 1:19 AM UTC

Syntax

Cradling the hand to his chest[,] he rolled into a fetal position

The missing comma again. Still a frequent occurrence in this post.

“You-cough cough miserable krif- cough, snort, cough, wha-cough!”

You should really be using commas or some kind of emphasis here to denote the coughing and snorting as sounds and not actual words he is saying. You also need to be consistent with your spacing on the dashes. After "krif" you have space trailing the dash where you don't in the other cases.

“You! you’ve crippled me, damnit!

Should have a capital after the exclamation.


Story

just before passing out from exhaustion and pain.

This seems a bit sudden as he doesn't seem like he is quite at the passing out point prior to this, but I'm willing to give it to you. Just something to think on.

I'll admit, your ending was a bit of an amusing moment in this fight. I like that sort of "oops" ending. Would be better if the tone was consistent with the match so far though. You had more humor in this post than your first one, so that makes this bit of comedy somewhat out of place. I like it, don't get me wrong, but should be throughout so it isn't a sudden shift.

Aul rolled backwards out of the spreading cloud of glittering, nanoscale shards that burst out of their bag prematurely. Apparently his ceramic blade made contact with more than he'd measured. Firith’s eyes watered and he began to cough exasperatedly, his lungs filling with the dust. The Ragnosian clenched his eyelids shut and he spat blood out of his mouth as he rose to his feet.

“Yeh young bastard... yeh'll regret coming here tonight to your last, painful breath,” Firith seethed.

“You think I want this? You actually think I want any of this? I've been gone for almost three cycles just to avoid this nonsense,” Aul growled in reply. He scanned the room for his familiar lightsaber hilt as he sidestepped through the undergrowth, keeping his eye on his opponent while hoping to keep him distracted.

“The Celsus you once knew is gone, Firith. He died with the others, the victims of the Void. You can't just come back from seeing what I've seen,” the Gray Jedi continued. A glint amidst some ferns caught his eye about five meters to his left.

“None of that matters, child,” Firith spat condescendingly, “yer line ends here.”

The Dark Jedi reached down and unsheathed a titanium-bladed vibroblade from his boot. He held the blade menacingly across his body, picking at one finger with its sharp tip. The weapon had clearly seen more than its fair share of use.

“Sang should leave me be a while after dragging you in as a trophy,” Firith said devilishly, clearly fueled by the dark energies of the chamber. His eyes squinted in residual pain from the blinding dust, his normal adeptness at low light vision compromised. He could barely make out Aul’s shape in the dark chamber, illuminated only intermittently by the flashing of lightning above.

Celsus reached out his hand towards his hilt and concentrated his energies into the connection between it and his palm.

“I've heard about enough, Stormwind” the Dakhani stated confidently. The hilt whipped through the air and landed firmly in Aul’s outstretched hand. The blade came to life with a vibrant snap-hiss and shone its gentle blue light on its owner’s face.

Firith’s involuntary tears finally cleared the last of the dust from his eyes and he glared at his opponent. Standing there, his ragged cloak blowing in the storm brewing around them, blue light illuminating his silhouette.

Flash, crack!

Lightning filled the chamber and there, behind the Gray Jedi, stood the titan-like Sith monument, its body cleaved diagonally in two. Perhaps by chance, or perhaps by fate, Aul stood framed by the pieces; a broken figure surrounded by a broken figure. Aul’s eyes were filled with a fire of determination.

The Dakhani stood about ten meters from the Ragnosian, his stance well grounded, his knees slightly​ bent. He moved his blade in a number of wide swings, slow but careful and with an air of domination. He calmly advanced on Firith, powerfully slicing a statue betwixt as he closed the distance. The statue fell to the floor with a deep crash.

Firith gritted his teeth at the cocky youngster. He charged the Gray Jedi, his vibroblade powerfully could back. As he came within two meters of his target, his felt his foot kick his own lightsaber hilt. With little extra thought, he threw his more conventional blade like a projectile at Aul and called upon the Force into his outstretched left hand.

The crimson blade snapped to life just as the two combatants met, their weapons clashing powerfully. Aul didn't waste a moment holding the sabers locked and released a rapid-fire chain of attacks, continuously bashing at Firith’s blade. Overpowered, the Dark Jedi’s ability to hold off the attached wavered. With a swift flick of his wrist, Aul’s blue blade tore through Firith’s right wrist. The Ragnosian’s hand fell to the ground, still gripping the ignited weapon.

“Kriff.”

The Dark Jedi’s head, then body, limply fell to the ground beside the still-ignited lightsaber with a dull thud.

The Gray Jedi inhaled deeply, and let out an exhausted breath. He ruminated a brief moment on what had just happened, and stored it away with the rest of his turmoil. Aul killed the ignition on his own lightsaber and replaced it on his belt. Without another look at his opponent he made his way to the exit.

Darth Renatus, 9 June, 2017 1:29 AM UTC

Syntax

Apparently[,] his ceramic blade made contact with more than he'd measured.

A comma should follow the introductory phrase.

The weapon had clearly seen more than its fair share of use. [...] Firith said devilishly, clearly fueled by the dark energies of the chamber.

Repetition of "clearly", in terms of phrasing and structure.

He charged the Gray Jedi, his vibroblade powerfully could back.

Not quite sure what happened here, so I can't provide an example correction, but the second half of the sentence and the first don't really meld. Possibly "could" was used instead of another word?

his felt his foot kick his own lightsaber hilt.

Should be "he felt his".


Story

Lightning filled the chamber and there, behind the Gray Jedi, stood the titan-like Sith monument, its body cleaved diagonally in two. Perhaps by chance, or perhaps by fate, Aul stood framed by the pieces; a broken figure surrounded by a broken figure. Aul’s eyes were filled with a fire of determination.

Love this imagery. Well done.