Knight Tali Sroka vs. Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Knight Tali Sroka

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Elder 3, Elder tier, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match to completion.

There were a lot of good things on display in this match in terms of writing, but there were several issues as well. This is a combative event, pairing off these characters to wage a conflict. Other than the swoop chase, there was a lacking in terms of actual one-to-one conflict for these characters. The focus always seemed to be on the set-up for something else, like the introduction or bringing in the Matron's NPC crew. I would have liked to see more actual back and forth between the combatants.

I tried to be detailed in the comments themselves, so hopefully that helps with understanding the issues. This was a very close match and both writers have a good grasp of the concepts at play. This wasn't an easy judgement to render and involved all event judges to look it over. It took up the better part of the day to decide, as we pegged this match dead even. The decision came down to consistency, and it was a debate that wasn't easy to resolve.

With this finalized, the winner is Tali Sroka, by a margin far slimmer than the scores listed here.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tali Sroka, Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya
Winner Knight Tali Sroka
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tali Sroka's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 23 July, 2017 2:06 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lord Halcyon Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Only a few issues noted. Rationale: Very minor issue noted.
Story - 40%
Lord Halcyon Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The biggest issues I found would be in regards to the focus of your writing. Your first post is almost entirely focused on other characters, with Halcyon barely appearing in it, and then your final post is equally lacking in actual conflict between the characters, save for a sudden attack near the end. Beyond that, you didn't answer any of the raised plot points, such as why Halcyon wanted the wafer bad enough to cause such a scene on the Matron. Your writing and handling of the plot threads you introduced was good, however, just needed to delve more into the conflict between these characters, rather than everything standing between them. Rationale: The biggest issues in this piece would be the lack of an actual conflict between the characters, turning it into a cooperative encounter in the final post, and then never really filling in the plot hole relating to what the wafer is about. That said, your writing and characterizations are strong throughout and generally enjoyable to read.
Realism - 25%
Lord Halcyon Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A minor issue with full portrayal of a power as outlined in the wiki. Rationale: Some minor issues with full portrayal of the powers as outlined in the wiki.
Continuity - 20%
Lord Halcyon Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: An inconsistency of your own creation between posts, having written phonetic accents in the first post and then dropping them entirely in the second. This inconsistency results in a minor hit. Rationale: None that were noted.
Lord Halcyon's Score: 3.6 Aedile Tali Sroka's Score: 3.8
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical 'rule' of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangars have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocket book is. The 'streets' are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from it's heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the 'streets' are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as 'off hours'. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Emerging from the shady bosom of a half-lit alleyway and looking a bit more disheveled than she would have liked, Tali Sroka adjusted the hood of her cloak to cover up her lekku and any unwanted stains she might have gathered. Hovering after her, the Toydarian information broker still wore an almost serene smile upon his wrinkled features, wings idly flapping with a sound of wet leather to keep him airborne.

Affirming that her swoop was still where she left it, the Twi’lek blocked the Toydarian’s path to the main avenue crossing along the length of Chute Town and folded her arms across her chest. Raising an expectant eyebrow, she extended one hand, palm upward.

“Vell?”

The Toydarian snapped out of his reverie and chuckled, coming to a halt though still airborne to keep himself at eye level with the Twi’lek. “Well what-a? You haven’t paid me yet-e.”

“I paidt you plenty…” Tali muttered bitterly, her voice tensing as the broker leered.

“That was-a extra. You still owe me the price,” the smarmy male responded, rubbing his greedy claws together in a universal shorthand for currency.

“That vas not vhat ve…” Tali began.

“Well-e the deal’s changed. Sixty thousand, take it or leave it,” the Toydarian interjected sharply, moving to fly past her.

The Jedi scowled. In a single fluid motion, the Twi’lek stepped to stop him once again, her amber eyes meeting the male’s dull red. “Fine. But if this turns out to have been another vildt bantha chase…” she growled and pulled out a credit chit, pressing it into the Toydarian’s outstretched palm.

“Oh, it’s well worth-e your efforts,” the Toydarian chuckled. “All of them.”

Pulling a small packet from the breast pocket of his leather vest, the man presented a nondescript holowafer, its surface glinting a rainbow of colors as a ray of light struck it from the overhead illumination banks. Wasting no more words, Tali pocketed the item, sliding it securely against her chest where it would be safe until she could return to Ol’val.

Peering over the Twi’lek’s shoulder while she busied herself with the object, the Toydarian tapped her on the left lek. “Is the Cucumber with you?” He motioned towards a pale man standing across the crowded street, a tuft of green poking out from beneath the black hood that was also edged in green. As Tali inspected the stranger, the older male stepped into the sea of people, somewhat awkwardly moving through the hubbub and heading towards them.

“I’ll be taking my leave-e then,” the Toydarian coughed and made to depart. Tali’s arm shot out and grabbed him by the snout, keeping him right where he was.

The stranger finally managed to bypass a persistent street vendor pushing his wares and walked up to the Twi’lek and the Toydarian. “Greetings, I am Halcyon Taldrya and I require that wafer,” the man, probably twice as old as her, greeted them.

“I don’t know vhat you’re talking about,” Tali muttered. Her eyes darted to the man’s belt where she spied the glint of a lightsaber, perhaps two.

“Please, don’t make this hard on yourself…” the man sighed.

The Toydarian made a muffled snort in amusement.

Gritting her teeth, the Twi’lek knew she had to act. “I’ll give you one better. Here, have the source!” Letting the Force imbue her arms with more strength than they had any right to hold, she shoved the Toydarian forward, sending him careening at the man. Wasting no time, she bolted past them and jumped on her waiting swoop.

As the two untangled themselves from each other, Tali drew her blaster and fired a stun shot in their general direction. Gunning the accelerator, she took off quickly gaining height as she raced towards the hangar bays.

Instincts taking over, Halcyon grabbed the flailing Toydarian and held him between himself and the stun bolt. As the intel broker slumped limp in his arms, he let the man fall to the ground with a weary sigh. Tapping his wrist link, Halcyon opened a channel to his trusty sidekick. “Sparks, she’s running. Move to intercept.”

A string of affirmative beeps soon followed as the Sorcerer ran for his speeder bike. Throwing his leg over the Starhawk’s seat and sped away, hot in pursuit. Why did they always try to run first?

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 3:34 PM UTC

Syntax

Gunning the accelerator, she took off[,] quickly gaining height as she raced towards the hangar bays.

Flow is awkward here without the additional comma.

Throwing his leg over the Starhawk’s seat and sped away, hot in pursuit.

The tense here is off. You have "throwing" which describes an action currently in progress, then "and sped away", which is in the past. This would work as "Halcyon threw his leg over [...]".


Story

One of the biggest things to keep track of in writing is the pacing. For this match, you are working with—essentially—three posts between you and your opponent. So, the pacing is important. A lot of time is spent on the exchange between Tali and the Toydarian over the wafer without delving into much impactful story. What is on the wafer? Why does Halcyon want it? Why does Tali want it, for that matter? These are questions I'm curious to see answered. The action is well written, that aside, and appears to play to the strengths of the characters.


Realism

Letting the Force imbue her arms with more strength than they had any right to hold, she shoved the Toydarian forward, sending him careening at the man. Wasting no time, she bolted past them and jumped on her waiting swoop.

As outlined on the wiki for +1 Amplification, "At the most basic level, a Jedi must concentrate for several seconds to augment one of their physical abilities through the Force. The Jedi would feel fatigue after a single use respective to the complexity of the action." Reading this section all the way to the end, we get no sense of concentration (let alone several seconds worth) or any sign of fatigue from this action.

“Yes, of course he is expert pilot,” Tali muttered to herself as she barely veered around another peddler and almost lost control of her swoop. Her swoop was not designed for speed or maneuverability, but it wasn’t like she could handle that sort of vehicle anyway. As she continued to yell at everyone in front of her to get out of her way, her pursuer was unflappable as he danced and jived around all of the various vendors and pedestrians with unflappable ease.

Getting desperate, Tali threw her swoop into a tight turn, using all her strength to hang on as she gunned towards two Matron crewmembers. The two men began pulling out their blasters, but she yelled out, “No! Help!” and slowed the swoop down so it stopped close to them.

Jumping out, she began to cry hysterically, “Please, you must help me! Is my old boyfriend! He is crazy!”

“Listen lady, you need to calm down,” one of them started to say just as a Starhawk-speeder came into view and Tali shrieked even louder.

“That is him! He is crazy! Please!”

The two men looked at what appeared to be a clearly distressed Twi’lek and then back to the approaching speeder. They now fully took their blasters out, moving towards the speeder as Tali stayed behind them.

“Halt!” the second man yelled out, blaster already lining up a shot.

Tali never hesitated, jumping back onto her swoop and leaving everyone behind as she made for the short distance to the hanger. Rounding a final corner she thought she could hear blaster fire, but the noise coming from the hanger drowned most of it out. Up ahead she saw the opening of the hanger, with the Lekmaster 5000 sitting in its berth looking as ugly as ever.

She almost smiled as she neared it, never quite noticing the rolling R2 unit that seemed to jump out of nowhere, brandishing all of its various tools, many of them showering with sparks. She lost control of her swoop and it hit the hanger floor hard as she managed to jump off in time. The swoop went tumbling end-over-end as she skidded along the floor before stopping herself.

“Vish I hadn’t taken away so much protection,” she groaned to herself, already feeling a burning sensation on her legs and back from the skidding. Gingerly she rose to her feet, but on seeing the R2-unit her anger managed to wash away the pain momentarily. She brandished her blaster, pointing it at the droid as she stalked over to it.

“Vhat are you tinking you stupid droid!” she yelled at it. The droid twittered an angry response back, another spark shooting out of one of its brandished appendages.

The sound of a roaring speeder distracted Tali before she could get off a shot. Her pursuer apparently had managed to get around the two other men, and was heading straight for her. She took a few shots, but the speeder was moving too fast and the pilot easily weaved around the bolts. It came to an almost screeching stop between her and the droid, as the man jumped off with the hilt of an emerald lightsaber already in his hand.

[--o--]

“Sir, we have just received a report of some Brotherhood members causing a disturbance in Chute Town, close to the public hangers.”

The Duros smuggler and current Majordomo of the Godless Matron, Iden Sult, gave his assistant a glare as he peered up from his console.

“Yes, and the air is also recycled. Is there any other unnecessary information you wish to convey?”

“Sir, this involved Halcyon Taldrya. Our cameras caught an Arconan being given a holowafer from that Toydarian, Gebb. Now she is being chased by Halcyon and they’re headed for the hangers.”

The combination of items caught Iden’s interest. It wasn’t everyday a Prophet of the Brotherhood came walking into the Matron. The information he was chasing was probably of interest to many.

“Yes, I do believe we should be paying a visit to the hanger. Grab the usual group and lock the hanger down so that we can have a little parlay.”

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 3:45 PM UTC

Syntax

her pursuer was unflappable as he danced and jived around all of the various vendors and pedestrians with unflappable ease.

You're repeating "unflappable" here to describe Halcyon and his ease.

hanger

You use this multiple times when it should be "hangar".


Story

“Yes, of course he is expert pilot,” Tali muttered to herself as she barely veered around another peddler and almost lost control of her swoop.

This section is a tad odd and seems out of context. Last we left things, in the previous post, the pursuit had just begun. This would be a good observation to make if we had any context for it. Some sort of action like Tali watching Halcyon gaining with ease.

So, other than a few moments that seemed a touch too blunt when referencing the aspects at play (the protection comment, for instance), this worked well as a follow-up to the first post. There was a missed opportunity to fill in some of the plot left open in the first post, but the action itself made sense and was easy to follow. The cut to the Matron's crew is interesting, and certainly setting things up for a final post. Would have been oddly convenient if they all just showed up suddenly in a final post, but this ties in to give it a place to be used without that convenience.

“I don’t vant to do this…” Tali stated as she circled her opponent, lightsaber drawn. “Just let me go andt ve’ll all go home alive.”

The Human seemed unphased and she did not begrudge him. Clearly, he was far more experienced and powerful than her. She did not fancy her odds dueling him.

“Just hand over the intel and I will let you go,” Halcyon replied, gently shifting a pair of fingers at her. His deep voice echoed inside the Twi’lek’s mind, tugging at a desire to surrender.

“No!” she spat and shook her head, pushing away the man’s influence. “I am not falling for that!”

The sound of closing blast doors seized their attention. Iden Sult paced towards them across the hangar, with an escort of a dozen heavily-armed mercenaries behind him.

“If there’s something worth the time of the illustrious Halcyon Taldrya, then I would gladly partake in whatever you have procured from my station,” the Duros smarmed as the mercenaries surrounded the trio.

Glancing around, Tali suddenly felt a much more pressing concern in the locals than her would-be assailant and it appeared his droid shared her feelings. Glancing over her shoulder at the Human, the green-haired man met her gaze for an instant.

”I am not giving into these thugs. Help me get off this blastedt station andt I’ll share vhat I got.”

The telepathic connection lasted but heartbeats, yet his hesitation seemed to drag on for an eternity before he mentally replied, ”Agreed.” Shifting to put their backs together, the pair squared off against the guards.

“I see,” Iden sighed, as if he’d expected anything less. “I will relay my condolences to your extended siblings, Taldryan.” With a dismissive gesture, the Duros gave the order to fire.

A wall of blaster bolts unleashed towards the two, Tali’s blade spinning around her like an extension of her arm as bolt after bolt of plasma was deflected back at its origin. Swirling through the firestorm like a nimble brook, she danced away from the crossfire.

Where Tali was a river, Halcyon was an impenetrable mountain, his blade weaving through the fire with clockwork precision and the solid, experienced movements of a true master. Yet, even he realized they would be outmatched eventually and his ally’s abilities could not be relied upon. Speed would be of the essence.

“Sparks, the doors!” the Sorcerer snapped sparingly, the droid chirping as it trundled towards an open dataport.

Moving to protect the R2-unit, Halcyon focused his strikes to deflect bolts back towards the gunmen. With Tali doing much the same, the mercenaries scattered in short order, a trio already dead from their own shots.

Their formation broken, Tali took the offensive, leaping in to finish off a clustered handful when Halcyon sensed danger. A second group of guards rushed in from behind her, raising their rifles to finish her off, seemingly heedless of collateral. Letting the Dark flow through him, he channelled the Force through his fingertips in a raw display of power, lightning crossing the distance and striking the first man in the chest.

Life had not yet left his convulsing body when the bolt spread, leaping from soldier to soldier as the entire squad suffered their fate. The burning drain within him growing, Halcyon cut off the flow as the last man collapsed to the deck, much to the Duros’ horror.

A string of beeps preceded the blast doors opening as Sparks completed its mission and the ionized slash of a plasma blade finished off Tali’s opponents. Suddenly with far fewer friends than he liked, Iden turned and bolted, shouting orders into his earpiece.

Turrets in the roof shifted.

“Move, now!” Halcyon shouted, sensing the impending doom as the guns trained upon the Twi’lek and her ship. Dropping his saber, eyes squeezed shut, he reached out with both hands. Fingers curled, a bead of sweat running down his brow, he felt the cold durasteel of the twin turbolasers before crushing them both in his clenched fists.

The Twi’lek had disappeared inside her ship by the time he looked again, the freighter soon rising from its berth and heading for the open gate. Turrets began coming online around the hangar and he kept twisting their barrels at pace, but his strength was beginning to wane.

Catching the Twi’lek’s gaze through the cockpit window, he touched her mind.

”Go. We’ll finish this. Next time.”

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 4:14 PM UTC

Story

The only real issue in terms of the Story category of the ACC rubric that comes to mind with this post is that you turned this match into a Cooperative encounter for the final portion of your writing. There's no actual clash between Halcyon and Tali for this entire post. As this isn't a cooperative event, this is a hit to your story. Throw on to that the fact that Halcyon doesn't have many reasons to help Tali. He may only expend what power is necessary to get the job done, but he is fairly skilled and seemingly known to the parties involved in this narrative. With those factors, I can't help but ask why he agreed to help rather than just plying his advantage and taking it for himself, leaving Tali high and dry.


Realism

The burning drain within him growing, Halcyon cut off the flow as the last man collapsed to the deck, much to the Duros’ horror.

At all ranks of Force Lightning, as outlined in the Duration on the wiki, this power can't be sustained for longer than several seconds. As we see from Palpatine and Luke in Episode 6, it takes a considerable amount of sustained Lightning to end someone's life, so that provides a sense of time taken for Halcyon and his victims. There is a Feat that allows Lightning to be sustained much longer, but Halcyon has Elder Storm which currently only combines the forking and spreading effects, which you did properly describe in your writing.

“Give me the disk and you can leave here without any issue.”

The statement was made calmly, but Tali knew the unsaid threat behind the simple words. It should have been a simple and straight-forward mission. She did not know where this man came from, or how he even knew about the disk in the first place.

“No deal,” was her response, made with all the confidence she could manage. “Maybe you can come with me instead and ask my bosses for the disk?” She threw out the question, trying to buy some time to figure out an escape. She never expected the other man to burst out in laughter.

“If you manage to make it out of this, be sure to ask your bosses why this was so funny,” Halcyon told her, seeing the confusion on her face. “Now, defend yourself.”

“You wouldn’t hit a defenseless woman, would you?” Tali asked, using her most innocent voice and demeanor to sell the part. A green blade burst out of his emerald hilt, telling her he didn’t buy the act. She grabbed her own lightsaber as quickly as she could, igniting its yellow blade, expecting an attack at any moment. Yet the man hadn’t moved, and instead appeared to be looking past her.

“No, please, continue,” a new voice called out, causing Tali’s head to turn. She saw a Duros man walking towards them, surrounded by a large retinue of heavily-armed men and women.

“Tali, is it?” the Duros asked, his demeanor relaxed as he came within a few metres of them. Tali nodded her head curtly in response. “Tali, if you would be so kind as to hand over that holowafer of yours, we can all be on our way.”

“Not you too,” Tali said, exasperation creeping into her voice.

“Yes, me too, little lady.”

Tali’s only warning was a sudden filling of the Force, like the room taking a deep breath, as Halcyon exploded from where he stood. The Force flowed through him like a raging river, his legs infused with it as he crossed the distance between himself and Tali in the blink of an eye. A telekinetic strike went out ahead of him, a hammer seeming to slam into the side of Tali’s head a moment before she felt the marbled-hilt of Halcyon’s lightsaber find her nose.

Pain enveloped her entire face as she fell backwards, blood rushing down her nose as she hit the ground. As she fell, Halcyon slipped the Force inside her armor, grabbing hold of the holowafer and pulling it into his palm.

“That wafer is still ours, Taldrya,” Iden stated, ice creeping into his voice. Halcyon could sense not only the resolve of those around him, but also how many others were hidden around the hanger.

“You will eventually kill me, Iden, but how much will it cost you to take me down? I am sure you have more than enough information on me to know what I am capable of. I know what I face here. You will stop me at a high cost, and this wafer will not survive it.”

Halcyon’s voice never rose as he explained the situation to the Majordomo, his face showing neither fear or trepidation.

“And do you think I can let you leave here without any consequence?”

“Take her,” Halcyon said, indicating Tali, who was now coming to her full senses again. “She may not know exactly what’s on the wafer, but I’m sure she has some useful information on Arcona’s plan at the very least.”

Tali could hear what was being said through the ringing of her head. Fighting through the pain she began to rise to her feet, her hand beginning to wrap around her fallen lightsaber.

“You have a deal,” Iden said, his hand gesturing to those around him as a sudden deluge of stun bolts slammed into Tali’s body, dropping her back to the ground instantly.

Halcyon had never moved, trusting his own senses that he was never a target. Nodding at Iden, he stepped over Tali’s body and mounted his speeder once more. Slowly he moved further into the hanger towards his own ship, Sparks following closely behind.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 4:40 PM UTC

Story

You avoided a possible trap of your own making with the introduction of the NPCs. Rather than this devolving into pure dialogue you still had a flash of action in the match. It makes up, somewhat, for robbing the match of much of the pacing with the stand-off, but there still should be more action, since there was a lack of actual engagement between these combatants in the previous posts. Another miss here, which carries over for both writers, is the lack of context. I still don't know what's on the wafer or why it is worth all this effort and trouble. Really shouldn't be left wondering why all this happened at the end.


Realism

Tali’s only warning was a sudden filling of the Force, like the room taking a deep breath, as Halcyon exploded from where he stood.

+3 Precognition, which hasn't been taxed heavily so far this match, would provide some warning too. It is likely she still wouldn't be able to avoid the brunt of such an assault, but it would be more than just taking the hit. She would have been able to try.


Continuity

Exceedingly minor Continuity hit here, where you were writing Tali's accent phonetically in your first post and dropped it altogether in your second post. We don't require an accent be written in a match, save for when it is directly described in an Aspect, such as someone being hard to understand. This is a case where your own writing became inconsistent.