Adept Braecen Kaeth vs. Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Adept Braecen Kaeth

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut, Krath
vs.

Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Sentinel
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to conclusion.

This is a tough match to grade. It is so clear the history between the characters and the OOC knowledge being presented. In this way, you both have the same strength and failing in your posts. It's really hard to differentiate in that regard. I could give you both the same comments: pacing wasn't as quick as it should have been and all the action was on the back end.

However, that would be a disservice and a 5-point scale doesn't quite show all the nuances it could be. I loved the feeling of Sang's first post, but I loved the action and writing from Braecen's a bit more. The real splinter was the seeming disregard for the Discipline feats in Sang's final post.

With the scores tallied, the winner is Braecen Kaeth and I would kill to see another match with you guys.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Adept Braecen Kaeth, Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Winner Adept Braecen Kaeth
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Adept Braecen Kaeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 24 July, 2017 12:45 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Braecen Kaeth Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issues between the posts. Rationale: Minor issues between the posts.
Story - 40%
Braecen Kaeth Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: I explained a lot in the post comments that will be of more interest than this. A summary can be, much as with your opponent, that you held a great tone and connection of the characters but the pacing was off. The first of your posts felt like retreading similar ground with no progression. You did exactly what you should be doing with your final post, but lacked much in the way of an ending. I can see the sudden "oh my gosh!" cut to black end, but it doesn't bring a final conclusion to the match. Rationale: I explained a lot in the post comments, much more than I can fit into this rationale. The summary is: the tone was great but the pacing wasn't what it should be. Then you were left with a more impressive build up to the end but a rather sudden end. Read the comments for more!
Realism - 25%
Braecen Kaeth Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Neglect of Surge in your second post.
Continuity - 20%
Braecen Kaeth Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Braecen Kaeth's Score: 4.45 Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Score: 4.2
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

The coarse grains of sands flowed through his fingers, joining with trillions upon trillions of other grains that encompassed this smart part of Jakku. The desert planet had been the site of the Empire’s last stand against the nascent New Republic. Thousands had died, fighting for what they had believed in, protecting those they had loved.

Sanguinius smiled bitterly as the last grains of sand flowed through his open fingers, his empty palm outstretched. He looked up at the remains of the Star Destroyer Inflictor, where they had decided to scuttle the ship instead of handing it over to their enemies.

The gesture of denying one’s enemies was a well-known and relatable one to the Jedi, yet the sacrifice of so many lives was not. It was always better to live and fight another day, life was too sweet to be cut short. The Consul was not here to simply idolize about the past however, he was here to meet with someone who had been a great influence in his life.

A message had been passed between them, one that promised potential cooperation between two Clans that had been at loggerheads before. Sanguinius wanted to believe in his old comrade, despite the bad blood between their Clans. His old friend was well known amongst the Brotherhood, always eager to help Clans in need and had stood up in the past for what was right.

The sound of approaching engines heralded the arrival of his guest, as the sunlight was bright enough to hide the shuttle. Sang covered his eyes with his forearm, as the shuttle kicked up dust and sand as it came into land. The dust slowly settled as the slight breeze blew the worst of it away. Uncovering his face, the Entar watched his old comrade amble down the shuttle’s ramp.

A smile crossed his face as Sanguinius stretched out his arms in attempt to embrace his friend. “Braecen, how good to see you, old friend.”

Braecen had once been the Consul of Plagueis, the Clan that Sanguinius had first joined as a young and idealistic Apprentice. The Adept had mentored him somewhat, allowing the Journeyman some measure of responsibility and encouraging the Augur to step up into leadership. The Jedi had always maintained that he would never have gotten as far as he did within the Brotherhood without the guidance and support of his old friend.

Braecen allowed the Augur to embrace him and smiled in response. “It is good to see you too, old friend. But I’m afraid that this visit is not a happy one.”

The words were delivered in a sad tone, causing concern to the Sadowan. “Braecen?” Sang questioned, hoping that it was not too serious, as he backed away from the Adept.

“I’m afraid that Scholae Palatinae and Naga Sadow remain enemies, Sang,” Braecen replied, “My visit here is to relay that message and assure Naga Sadow that we have not forgotten the last instance we met upon the field.”

“You say keep saying we, Braecen,” Sang narrowed his eyes, watching the Palatinaean carefully, “What do you mean, we?”

“I mean what I say, Sang. We are enemies and will continue to be so.”

“Enemies? What have we done to deserve such a fate? We have done nothing but continue to offer a hand in friendship despite the many times Scholae has bitten it. Each time, we say ‘forgiveness is a good thing’, yet Scholae continues to spit on our friendship.”

Sang gestured towards the Inflictor, “Each time, more innocents died, just like they did here several years ago.” The Jedi got more upset as he continued, “What does it take for you Sith to be happy? To stop being such murderous, power hungry thugs?”

Braecen was silent, watching the man before him. Both of them had a shared history, both had spent time in the different Clans of the Brotherhood, had experienced their cultures and their histories.

Sang had believed that Braecen was different, that he was beyond the petty squabbles that embroiled the Clans. Yet, one was often disappointed when they met their heroes.

The Augur turned away from Braecen, making to walk away, when the sound of a lightsaber igniting behind him gave him pause.

“Even you..?” Sang sighed.

Sanguinius reached for one of his hilts and resignedly turned to face his former idol. “So be it, old friend.”

The blue blade ignited, as the Defender confronted the storm before him.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 1:58 AM UTC

Syntax

as the last grains of sand flowed through his open fingers

This is a touch repetitious with your opening sentence, almost word for word. It doesn't read as intended repetition either. It could have done with just a mention of him smiling bitterly as the last grains fell away.

The sound of approaching engines heralded the arrival of his guest, as the sunlight [...] watched his old comrade amble down the shuttle’s ramp.

Almost every sentence in this paragraph is structured with "[...] as the [...]" in the middle. It's very repetitious. Can be catch a reader or tire them out. Makes it almost monotonous.

stretched out his arms in [an] attempt to embrace his friend.

Reads like you missed a word here.

“You say keep saying we, Braecen,”

There is much "say" here!

“Even you..?”

An ellipsis, even leading into a question mark, should be three full stops.


Story

Pacing is probably the most important thing to keep in mind when writing in the ACC. Especially when you are locked to 2+2 format with 750 word limits. This match is all history, character building, and then whipping out a saber at the end. Almost half your post should be devoted to actual combat with your enemy. Conflict. Saber on saber. Powers against powers, or any combination thereof. The emotions you were going for were good, just they came at the expense of the Combat in the Antei Combat Center.

The heat of the sun oppressed the Sith Elder. It enveloped him, permeated his black robes, and rapidly raised his internal body temperature. In moments, his brow was beaded with sweat that ran into his blue eyes and down his face. His pale, ivory skin was flushed in the cheeks with a subtle red. His chest labored as he inhaled the hotness of the arid environment and the blowing sand – creating a furnace that furthered his discomfort. And, yet, it still did not match the sting of the shame he felt in his heart.

Braecen had been entrusted to organize Plagueis many years ago. A task that was monumental and outright deemed impossible in the aftermath of so many bad breakups between the Clan and his predecessors. But it had been a labor of love. Born out of some odd misconception that his work mattered: to enlighten young minds, turn the tide of the Dark against the Light, and organize on behalf of the Iron Throne. Then an odd thing had occurred. Young, upstart Prodigies of Plagueis transformed from token honorary members to indispensable leaders. And Sanguinius had been amongst their numbers. The next generation, Braecen reflected. The future.

Again, he found himself in an impossible situation. A Quaestor of House Excidium, sworn to serve Clan Scholae Palatinae, tasked with the unenviable task of fulfilling a vassal’s promise to his lord. To see his agenda advanced, Braecen had been forced to make a deal with the devil. His Consul, Xen’Mordin, had set him against his personal foe: Naga Sadow. And valuing expediency over all else, the Consul had tasked his vassal Elder to eliminate the head of the snake – to remove the symbolic heart of Naga Sadow – with the death of the Augur.

If he did not succeed, Braecen would die. He had come to terms with that possibility a lifetime ago as he rose through the Brotherhood’s ranks. However, he could not live with what it would mean for House Excidium. The already strained relationship between the House and the Clan would shatter. Members of the group would be hunted and killed. A future for Scholae Palatinae would evaporate in the aftermath. In order to fulfill the future he envisioned, Braecen would be forced to kill an ally. An old friend.

The Consul of Naga Sadow was taller than the Quaestor from Scholae Palatinae. His handsome face was framed with thick, trimmed brown hair and accented by his brown eyes. Braecen recognized the mixture of resignation and sadness that swirled within those eyes. He wore a similar look himself. Sanguinius raised his blade in a short salute before he turned his left side away from his opponent. He choked up on his grip of the blade with the fingers of his left hand wrapped slightly below the emitter and his right hand similarly wrapped around the pommel. Braecen recognized the form, but marveled at the fluidity of seeing a Soresu Master prepare for battle.

Braecen gripped both of his hilts tightly. He activated the second weapon. With a snap-hiss a second white flame mirrored the first blade. He flourished both blades in a lazy circle before he diligently marched forward to meet his ‘foe’.

“Even me,” Braecen responded casually.

“I do not want to kill you, but I will.” Sanguinius warned.

“I would welcome release from this hell, but I have too much work left to do.” Braecen responded dejectedly.

Sanguinius knew beyond any doubt that this was not what Braecen Kaeth wanted, yet he could not determine what compelled his former mentor. He could not believe that the man he knew stood before him – an agent of the Empire – promising his demise. Yet, he could not deny the unique fighting style of the Sith Elder. Braecen was in there – somewhere – and Sanguinius would have to reach him if he hoped to get any answers.

The battle quickly settled into a comfortable, measured rhythm, both opponents launching cautious attack routines and paying careful attention to their tenuous footing in the loose sand. The pair seemed to intertwine, their weapons spinning and darting, only to be parried away. They seemed as one, these two Forces Users that were considered different by their dogma.

When the next break came in the struggle, Braecen spun away and glanced over his twin blades. “Damn you!” he spat, and he rushed back in, blades diving and chopping at Naga Sadow’s leader.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 2:21 AM UTC

Syntax

mirrored the first blade. He flourished both blades

Repetitious with "blade".


Story

This is the second post of the match. Much like my comment on the first post, pacing is everything especially when you have word count limitations and only, at most, 3 posts of story between you. This should be almost all action. I should be enthralled and entertained from start to finish. This, more or less, is repetition of the first post from Braecen's perspective. It's almost 65% internal narrative just to bring you to the end of the last post, and then you fight a little at the end. There should be way more going on here. As with the first, I really do appreciate the emotions being touched on here. It just isn't much in the way of combat. You can show the inner turmoil while they fight. One does not preclude the other.

Anguish was a powerful motivator to the Jedi as he deflected the blow, turning it slightly to the side. That the man who had given him everything in the past now wanted to take it away from him ate away at the Entar inside. Sanguinius knew that there would be no retreat from this fight, neither of them would walk away unscathed as friends. Braecen had made his choice and his former hero was nothing if not loyal to those he served.

The duel continued as Jakku’s star blazed down on them, their robes became cloying and heavy with sweat. Knowing that continuing to wear it would slow him down, Sang kicked at the ground, spraying sand up into the Adept’s face. The Palatinaean recoiled, instinctively shutting his eyes to protect his vision, yet he disciplined enough to ensure that he was not left open.

Instead of the expected attack from the Sadowan, Sanguinius skipped several steps backwards and shrugged off his robes until only his undershirt remained upon his torso, taking the opportunity to wipe the sweat from his brow where it had been threatening to impede his vision. The pale skin of his arms would not remain so for long under the sun’s rays.

Braecen opened his eyes to find his former Clan mate waiting for him, his blue blade unwavering. The Adept was tiring, the aggressive strikes of Jar’kai sapped his strength, yet his honour would not let the Entar walk away from this fight. Braecen drew upon the power within him, opening the flood gates and immersing his body in the Force. New found strength returned to his weary muscles and his mind became more focused.

The Adept launched himself forward, his feet pushing off from the ground as he hurtled towards the waiting rock that was the Sadowan. The twin silver blades flashed through the air, seeking to find their mark. Each time they came close, his speed and strength pushing even a Soresu master to his limits. Sanguinius greedily sucked in air as he laboured to keep the deadly blades from cleaving him in twain. Even though he had trained for years to be in peak physical condition, the humid jungles of Sepros were a different beast to the deserts of Jakku. Here, even last bit of moisture was taken away almost as soon as it was excreted by his pores. The Defender knew he could not last much longer under the assault, yet he had to in order to survive.

Gritting his teeth as he dug in his heels and anchored himself into the sand as much as possible, Sang extended his consciousness, letting it slowly filter out from him, creating a barrier before him that the twin blades bounced off.

The force behind the blow rebounded back to Braecen, who was momentarily surprised by the appearance of the invisible wall. However, his sheer purpose of will and intense focus drove him into further feats of fancy. The blows came quicker and quicker, each time the blade collided, it weakened the barrier and sapped Sanguinius’ strength. It had become a match of who could last the longest. Braecen grew frustrated, knowing that he did not have long left, merely scant seconds until his rampage would come to an end and his strength would falter. This fight would be over with a negative end for the Adept, yet he hoped that he would outlast the Entar.

Sanguinius held both his hands out towards the Quaestor, willing the barrier to stay in existence under the barrage it was experiencing. Sweat poured from his brow, trickling into his eyes and temporarily blinding him. The Jedi was too stubborn to admit defeat however, just like his former idol. The Juggernaut faltered as his last blow came in, collapsing the barrier and slicing through flesh and bone to slice the outstretched right arm of the Sadowan.

Sanguinius screamed in agony as the plasma burned through his flesh, the sheared ends of his nerves firing neurons to receptors in his brain. He dropped his lightsaber and grasped the end of his arm with his left hand and stared at the lost limb lying in the sand of Jakku.

Braecen was standing only through sheer willpower as he returned the strike to cleave the Defender’s head from his shoulders, vindication blossomed as he achieved his goal, yet it was tarnished with shame as he reminisced over the bright exuberance of a once young Acolyte.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 2:38 AM UTC

Syntax

[every] last bit of moisture was taken away

Should be "every" instead of "even".


Story

This was a lot better, in terms of action, and I would have liked to see more of this in your opening post. While I enjoyed both the imagery and combat herein, the ending still feels unfinished. It literally hangs as he decapitates Sang. It's over. There is no satisfaction or words left for Sang. It is just over in an instant. It feels like you ran up against the word count and decided to end it rather than trimming elsewhere.


Realism

Throughout this post you make references to how quickly Braecen was growing tired. This makes no reference to the fact that, as an Elder Juggernaut, he has Surge III. This effectively gives him Endurance +3 for the majority of the fighting, which is the same as Sanguinius'. They would both be tiring in the same way, or at least similar as you mention the intensity of Brae's form.

With his weapons in hand, Braecen charged, yelling, “Show me more. Show me what you have learned, young warrior!”

Sanguinius’ eyes became burning flames at the approach of his former mentor. His blade came up before him as quickly as if he had willed it to appear. Braecen came in on the Augur with a fury that the young Jedi had never before seen, more so even than the time Braecen had been his Consul. Sparks flew as blade clashed against blade, and Sanguinius found himself driven back, both of his arms already aching from the thundering force of the blows.

“What are you…” The Naga Sadow Consul tried to ask.

“Show me,” Braecen growled, slamming in again and again. Sanguinius barely dodged one cut that surely would have killed him. Still, confusion kept his moves purely defensive. Braecen slapped his blade out wide and used an unexpected weapon, bringing his foot straight up in front of him and slamming his heel into the Consul’s midriff.

The Augur heard the air escape his lungs at terminal velocity. He dove back into a roll, trying to keep a safe distance from his crazed opponent until he could realign his senses. From his knees he saw Braecen, a short distance away and approaching. “Show me!” Braecen growled angrily with every determined step.

Sanguinius let his rage lead him back into the fight. He spun a pirouette just before he reached Braecen, his blade cutting a gracefully arcing line before the Adept. He followed the sweeping attack with a deceptively sharp stab straight over that line. Braecen leaned away from the attack and put a backhand block on it with his opposite hand.

The Augur of Naga Sadow was not finished. He set his thrusting blade into a series of short, wicked pokes that kept Braecen on the retreat for a dozen steps and more, back into rising dune of sand. They now had to rely on their incredibly keen sense of awareness and their instincts. Braecen finally managed to regain a foothold, but Sanguinius immediately set his own feet into action, kicking away whenever the balance of his swinging blade allowed for it. One foot even slipped through Braecen’s defenses, blasting the breath from the Elder’s lungs.

Sanguinius played on and on, relentless and tireless. Braecen coaxed him by letting him see openings where there were none, and Sanguinius was always quick to oblige, launching a thrust, cut, or kick. Braecen watched the events before him in detached, silent manner. He could not deny the measure of training his former student had received. He was – physically – more than ready for this battle with an Elder.

The Augur’s mind had been furiously at work, too. He disliked the direct confrontation, but he was not going to allow a competing Clan to outright murder him. As he fell into the staccato defense of the Third Form, his sharp mind chewed on the problem before him. The Elder was compelled to eliminate him to continue his own designs.

“STOP!” Sanguinius shouted.

The force of the scream stilled Braecen’s blade in mid-swing. He shifted uncomfortably as he eyed the Consul of Naga Sadow. The Augur’s brown eyes mirrored the same intensity of his command. The spark sent a chill down the Elder’s backside and his body shook from the adrenaline of the fight.

“You said ‘too much work left to do’,” the Consul inquired, “Yes?” The Sith stood motionless for a moment before he nodded affirmatively. “Who is stopping you from this work? Who will be your adversary if you fail to kill me?”

Braecen refused to answer. His body still shaking in micro-tremors from the heated battle.

“You can answer that, Braecen. You owe me that much,” the Augur cooed.

The Sith Elder sighed in defeat and lowered his blades. “The Emperor has commanded it. If I fail him in this task, he will destroy House Excidium. And that would break me.”

A reluctant Sith, Sanguinius arched a brow as he considered the implications. “What if we lie? Tell the world that you killed me. Forge a pact between Naga Sadow and Scholae Palatinae in the war that lingers on the horizon.”

“To what end?” Braecen spat.

“To our end. When the time is right, I reveal myself and eliminate our mutual concern.

“But the Empire!” The Elder warned.

Sanguinius finished the thought, “Will have found a new Dark Adept to lead them. You will lead them.”

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 2:49 AM UTC

Syntax

“What are you…” The Naga Sadow Consul tried to ask.

This is a single sentence, the same structure as "he said, she said" and it shouldn't have a capital on "The".

before him in [a] detached, silent manner.

Missing a word here, based on the structure.

“To our end. When the time is right, I reveal myself and eliminate our mutual concern.

The closing quote to the dialogue ran off with Carmen Sandiego.


Story

As he fell into the staccato defense of the Third Form

This threatens to run up against "show, don't tell". I know it's just a reference to what the form is known for, but you should show us this action. Not just tell us that's what it is.

This was a lot better than your first offering and had much of what I wanted to see. You interspersed plot and introspection with action. Weaving it rather than info dumping, then action, then info dump. It's natural and interesting. Except the ending. Suddenly, 'hey, let's not fight! Let's kill the Emperor instead!' and Brae was all 'mkay, cool'. Then it's over. We don't know if Braecen is down for that for sure. There's no info. It ends on dialogue. I mean, it's a cut to black kind of thing. There's no satisfaction there.