"Don't hurt her," the Arconan growled. The klaxons and the woman's cries filled her ears.
"Then disarm yourself and come quietly," the Emperor intoned.
"I will."
Her fingers curled around her DL-18 with exaggerated slowness as she pulled it from its holster and flung it behind her. With the same speed, she moved for the strap of her rifle across her back.
As she did so, she directed her attention to the other refinery employees. Her mind skimmed their surface thoughts like a stone skipping the surface of a stream. Not many of them were as terrified as the woman with death held a bare breath from her neck. No, they felt — anger. Quick, hot, protective, instinctive. Fight. Flee? One man, near the entrance, edged carefully back into the hall and sprinted off. Some of them were silent with shock. But most... most were brave enough and angry enough to fight their fears, their eyes flickering between her and their captured comrade and the catwalk—
Ahh. But that was smart.
Her rifle dropped to the metal, clanging. She nudged it backwards until she felt it fall away. The Elder watched critically.
On to her other pistol, Atyiru split her focus, reaching out to the workers, passing her strength to them like a steadying breeze. Her calm breaths were theirs. Her heartbeat was theirs, rapid but not thundering. Adrenaline lit her nerves but it was not flooding her with fear; it was clear, sharp and strong, and it was theirs too. They rallied.
Be ready, her mind whispered to them, her head aching from the strain.
"Stop stalling," the Adept across from her snapped, "or more will die."
"Pl-please—" the Nabooian choked, sobbing so hard that the convulsion brought her chin close enough to the blade so that everyone, even Xen, flinched. "I-I h-have a s-son, pluh, pluhease..."
She sobbed again and the Adept had to adjust his hold to keep the woman from slitting her own throat.
Atyiru lifted the hand that had been on her other pistol's grip. "Listen to me! Listen! What's your name?"
The Palatineian, perhaps out of some bit of care and mourning, allowed the exchange, to her relief.
The woman managed to reply, "An-anh-na..."
"Anna? I'm Atyiru. Anna, listen to me. Everything will be alright. I'll see you safe, I promise you. You'll see your son again."
"Okay..."
"Good, now..." The Miraluka pulled on the Force, spinning a thread of command around the woman. "Now, Anna, sleep."
Anna went limp, sagging back into her captor. Xen snarled as he caught her, moving reflexively.
Three things happened very quickly, then: some of the workers surged forward, managing to kick the Adept's discarded lightsaber into the chasm below; Atyiru snatched a grenade from her belt, lobbing it towards the other Consul; and Xen'Mordin dropped his hostage as he raised his blade, bisecting the projectile.
Bluish mist exploded around them. The Elder coughed, but showed no concern. He had known how to play her, surely he knew she would never use something that could harm others. But Atyiru was already in motion, drawing her own blade and praying the hostages were escaping.
Plasma clashed as the bacta fog cleared, and the man growled at her with the tone of one who had condemned thousands to their deaths. "You are a fool, girl."
The Miraluka didn't reply, pirouetting away and flicking her wrist, bringing her saber back around in time to deflect a swift, Force-augmented strike. She twirled again, expecting another blow.
It came, but not as a riposte. Electricity crackled and her muscles seized, cutting off her scream as agony burned through her until the world faded at its edges and awareness slipped through her fingers. When it returned long enough for her to think, every inch of her body quaking and weak, she became aware of her face pressing into the grating, mouth flooded with blood and spittle, tongue mangled. She reached for the Force instinctively, wrapping it around her with a whimper as a child would a blanket, praying for safety from a storm. Only some of the ache abated.
Anna. The workers.
Her skin stung and pulled with electrical burns as she pushed herself to her knees, trembling so hard she nearly fell again. Atyiru turned her head slightly to the figures still nearby.
The Emperor stood with his lightsaber hovering over Anna's sprawled form. She seemed unharmed by his attack, but his regretfulness was gone.
"I spared her. I will not do so again."
Syntax
It's the name of an organization (or movement, what have you). It should be a proper noun with a capital.
There should be a comma after the introductory phrase.
Also need one here.
Put simply, this is the same as "he said" and doesn't need the capital.
Same as above, this is the same as "Xen said" and is part of the dialogue. Same sentence. Shouldn't close out with a period.
Story
This is a different sort of opening than I've grown accustomed to. It's essentially a cold open. You forgo the lengthy intro and setup that so many waste words on and then flounder. Yet, you still manage to convey a story despite that. There isn't any actual engagement between the combatants though (ie. Xen and Atyiru) which is a major matter when it comes to Story. Especially in 2+2 with a 750 word limit. The pacing of the fight is paramount.