Augur Rian Taldrya vs. Commander Arvalis Raith

Augur Rian Taldrya

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Mirialan, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Commander Arvalis Raith

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Umbaran, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Obelisk
Comment

I liked the idea here, seeing a Non Force User being trained by a (Gray) Jedi to use a lightsaber. This has become an interesting scenario since seeing Finn dueling Kylo Ren on the big screen, and it will provide a reason for Arvalis to record lightsaber proficiency on his CS. That is great character development, as he learned from a pretty competent saber stylist. I also really enjoyed the use of droids in the story. I think there will be others interested in this kind of scene, so maybe we’ll see a trend that you guys can take some credit for putting in motion!

While the plot idea was fantastic, execution was lacking in some areas. The main issue was with syntax, so I encourage you both to seek more proofreaders. I have found myself in matches where I’m so excited about the story I’m imagining that I get ahead of myself, not noticing the small things which make the finished product so valuable. I learned from that, and so will you.

Overall, this was a solid match, with several good highlights. Thanks for sharing your creativity, guys. Come back for more!

With the scores tallied, this one goes to Rian!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Rian Taldrya, Commander Arvalis Raith
Winner Augur Rian Taldrya
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Rian Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Commander Arvalis Raith 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 20 August, 2017 3:33 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Kaz Raith Rian Taldrya
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple syntax errors. Refer to comments. Rationale: Multiple syntax errors. Refer to comments.
Story - 40%
Kaz Raith Rian Taldrya
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: One major detractor from an otherwise coherent narrative. Refer to comments. Rationale: A good idea and solid basic story, but not developed enough to make it exceptional.
Realism - 25%
Kaz Raith Rian Taldrya
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found by the judge. Rationale: No errors found by the judge.
Continuity - 20%
Kaz Raith Rian Taldrya
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found by the judge. Rationale: No errors found by the judge.
Kaz Raith's Score: 3.5 Rian Taldrya's Score: 3.9
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Arvalis ran his hand over the intricate architecture of the temple. The tips of his fingers feeling the angled and hooked runes that had been painstakingly etched in the massive dark stone slabs. He was being trailed by Orcus, his HK-series assassin droid, its dull grey plating masking its silhouette against the dark interior of the main hall.

“Marvelous isn’t it,” the voice carried a certain sense of authority, powerful yet calm. “Don’t get too hung up in it all. The architecture itself carries power.”

Arvalis turned to face him, Rian Taldrya, a long time friend, a long time leader. The Mirialan was flanked by his own droid. Arvalis had heard the whispered stories about it from younger Taldryanites, a KX-series security droid that had most of its programming replaced with lightsaber combat modules.

“Why did you bring me here exactly? The crusades happened years ago.”

“They did, yes. Yet you still wake up screaming at night over what happened. It’s time for you to move on.” Rian’s gaze focused on the young Umbaran. “Look Arvalis, there is power within you. It’s hard to grasp, but I will drag it out of you. One way or another.”

“I still don’t se-” Rian threw a metallic cylinder his way which he caught purely by reflex. “Why are you handing me a lightsaber exactly?”

Rian made way for K4-C1 without a word. The droid had already activated his own saber, a blood red blade splitting the air and filling the area with a low hum. Without warning, it charged at Arvalis. It was surprisingly agile for a droid as it came in with a quick cross-slash.

Arvalis dove back, feeling the power of the plasma blade miss his face by a hair’s breadth. He thumbed on the saber he had been given. With a screech and a hiss the lemon colored pillar of power came to life, drawing a gulp from its wielder. He was aware of what lightsabers could do, keenly aware of all the lives such weapons had taken over the years.

He didn’t have much time to reminisce as the droid came in with a lumbering overhead strike forcing Arvalis to scramble to his right. He brought the saber up, struggling against the gyroscopic effect of the magnetic fields.

“Timeout. Time. Out. Why am I doing a lightsaber duel? I’m no Jedi.”

K4-C1 lowered its weapon and turned to face its owner before turning back to face his would-be opponent. “You fight them, the Jedi. Best to learn how to wield their weapon so you know its limitations.”

“Besides, who says you’re not Forceful?” Rian chimed in.

“Don’t you think I would’ve known by now?” Arvalis let out a sigh. “And why aren’t you doing anything, Orcus?!”

“Master Rian won’t kill you, master. There is no need for me to do anything. But it is amusing to see you struggle.” The HK-droid obviously had no intention of lending any sort of hand.

“Some droid you are.” Arvalis hissed.

“No offense, Arvvy. But for all your brilliance in combat. . . you’re kind of an idiot when it comes to your own self.” Rian rolled his eyes and shrugged as a slightly malicious smile crept on his lips. “I can feel flashes of something being there.”

“No offense,” Arvalis mimicked the exact speech pattern of his friend. “But getting my head lopped off by a droid won’t suddenly turn me into a space wizard.” Arvalis noted the slight twitch in Rian’s left eye at that last remark. It drew an in-mouth chuckle from the Umbaran.

“Kacey,” Rian nudged his head towards Arvalis.

It was enough of a signal for the droid to continue the training. Raising its saber once more and steadily advancing upon Arvalis who was also standing ready. The droid let loose another overhand swing, bearing its full weight into the strike. Arvalis knew he had little chance to match the droid in physical power. The Umbaran wasn’t built for expressions of might, but he was light on his feet, and he would need to use it to his advantage.

Smoothly sidestepping the vertical slash, Arvalis brought his own saber to bear coming in with a labored horizontal swipe. The droid simply deflected the blade, knocking the rookie saberist off balance before quickly chaining the deflection into a stabbing motion.

Arvalis squeezed his eyes shut thinking the training, and his life, would be over there and then. Much to his surprise, death never knocked on his door.

With an audible sigh, Rian informed Arvalis why. “This is just level 1 of Kacey’s programming. He won’t follow through on fatal strikes. But you did fail there.”

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 27 August, 2017 11:41 PM UTC

Syntax

Some beautiful imagery here. However, the reading is a bit awkward. The first and second sentence should be connected with a comma. Otherwise, you could replace "feeling" wish "brushed" or other past-tense verb. "Feeling" doesn't work by itself, relying on the setup of the first part of the description. "In" should be "into." I would have written it:

Arvalis ran his hand over the intricate architecture of the temple. The tips of his fingers feeling the angled and hooked runes that had been painstakingly etched in the massive dark stone slabs.

This is a question, and requires the appropriate punctuation. There should be a question mark at the end, rather than a comma.

“Marvelous isn’t it,”

This would be easier to read with the use of a comma after the word "strike."

He didn’t have much time to reminisce as the droid came in with a lumbering overhead strike forcing Arvalis to scramble to his right.

These two sentences should be appropriately connected with a comma, not separated with a period. As in the earlier example, "raising" does not work by itself, and is connected contextually to the previous thought.

It was enough of a signal for the droid to continue the training. Raising its saber once more and steadily advancing upon Arvalis who was also standing ready.

Story

Epic line. Loved it.

“Look Arvalis, there is power within you. It’s hard to grasp, but I will drag it out of you. One way or another.”

I read this in HK's voice. A nice nod to the character.

“Master Rian won’t kill you, master. There is no need for me to do anything. But it is amusing to see you struggle.” The HK-droid obviously had no intention of lending any sort of hand.

"Tell me something I don't know." Arvalis grunted.

"I said you failed there, not that you will fail again. It is just natural for anyone starting to train with weapon they aren't used to." Rian said taking position next to his friend. "Even Kazmir and I had a hard time at the beginning."

Rian drew his own lightsaber from his back. "Let's try this, I'll show you some basic maneuvers and then you try again, do as I do."

Gripping his blade with both hands, he moved slowly so Arvalis was able to keep up with him. Starting with a low guard, Rian fell back onto his rear foot while bringing his blade down vertically. Then raising his blade up again vertically in front of his face combined with a single step back and then finishing the first part of the sequence with another step back while angling the blade horizontally at chest height, all while counting each of the steps: "1... 2... 3..."

From there he started the offense, first he swung the blade down to where it would have met the blade in the first step of the defense pattern. From there he brought the blade up again before letting it swing out again to the other side where it would have met the blade at the second step of the defense then ending the pattern by raising his blade up to bring it down vertically in an overhead slash, each while making a single step forward and counting to three in the same way as when he was showing his friend the defense pattern.

Arvalis followed his movements with astonishing precision when they repeated the sequence a couple of times against an imaginary opponent.

"Good, now try again with Kacey." Rian said nodding at the droid who has been a watchful bystander up to that point.

Having been given the command, Kacey calmly paced over to face Arvalis, before assuming the same ready position as the Umbaran. For a moment, human and droid stood face-to-face wavering on the verge of acting. Then the droid burst into motion, bringing his ruby blade down in the same sequence as the Quaestor has shown to Arvalis moments before. Again and again they moved through it and with the droid increasing the speed of his movings every time Arvalis got used to it.

"You see, the more you open yourself to your training, the easier it gets for you to use the blade." Rian said over the clashing of their blades. "It feels as if you are connecting with it, isn't it?"

Arvalis stopped in his tracks for a split second, taken by surprise more by the possibility of the thought rather than his friend saying it. But that brief moment was enough for Kasey to sidestep the borrowed lemon blade and knock the Umbaran off his feet with a backhand-slash.

"And still I am the one lying on the ground." Arvalis said facing his friend.

"Yeah that one was my fault," Rian admitted. "Still you felt the blade becoming lighter and lighter in your hand as you continued to use, didn't you?

Arvalis nodded almost imperceptibly.

"But this isn't a one-sided thing, if you are to really master the tricks and traits of how to fight with a lightsaber, you need to commit yourself to it. Kacey, I think it is time to step up the training."

"As you wish Master." The droid shifted its stance slightly before something within its wrist cracked. A sound as if something within its mechanics has come lose. Then out of the nothing the blade in the droids hand began to spin wildly back and forth in an unpredictable pattern before stopping as fast as it has been set into motion moments before, all while fixing Arvalis with eyes devoid of any emotion as if nothing at all had just happened. "If I may ask you to assume your ready position Master Arvalis." The droid said with its artificial voice.

Arvalis stared at his friend in disbelief. "You can't be serious? I mean didn't you see that? That droid will slice me to pieces."

"No he won't." Rian said. "The intensity of the modules depends on the skills of the person he is training with."

"Is that really so? Somehow it’s hard for me to believe you and don't say you haven't seen that." Arvalis said.

"Oh you mean that spinning blade thing? That was just for show." Rian said as assuring as possible with a sly smile on his lips while Arvalis rose back to his feet. "It’s sort of an 'intimidating his opponents' thing."

The words of Rian weren't quite reassuring to the Umbaran, especially when Kasey came at him again with his blows raining down on him faster and harder than in any of the previous exchanges, leaving Arvalis almost entirely in the defense.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 27 August, 2017 11:47 PM UTC

Syntax

This is a run-on sentence. You really want to break this information up into easily digestible parts, that way the reader can fully appreciate what he's doing.

Then raising his blade up again vertically in front of his face combined with a single step back and then finishing the first part of the sequence with another step back while angling the blade horizontally at chest height

I count the word "blade" five times in this single paragraph. Repetitive language detracts from the description, so I suggest using synonyms or other creative methods for describing an object or idea more than once.

From there he started the offense, first he swung the blade down to where it would have met the blade in the first step of the defense pattern. From there he brought the blade up again before letting it swing out again to the other side where it would have met the blade at the second step of the defense then ending the pattern by raising his blade up to bring it down vertically in an overhead slash, each while making a single step forward and counting to three in the same way as when he was showing his friend the defense pattern.

“Had” would be correct, here.

in the same sequence as the Quaestor has shown to Arvalis moments before.

Generally, beginning sentences with "but" is not great form. It feels awkward to me here, and the segment actually flows better without it.

Arvalis stopped in his tracks for a split second, taken by surprise more by the possibility of the thought rather than his friend saying it. But that brief moment was enough for Kasey to sidestep the borrowed lemon blade and knock the Umbaran off his feet with a backhand-slash.

This is a run-on sentence. 35 words without a single break. Again, this is very difficult to read.

Then out of the nothing the blade in the droids hand began to spin wildly back and forth in an unpredictable pattern before stopping as fast as it has been set into motion moments before,

Story

This is the kind of thing people like to read. It's colorful, tense, and relatable. Write more of this.

For a moment, human and droid stood face-to-face wavering on the verge of acting. Then the droid burst into motion, bringing his ruby blade down

A bead of sweat rolled down Arvalis’ face as he tightened and quickened his defensive movements. Being forced to give ground to a droid hurt his pride, even if he didn’t show it, or had time to. He had his doubts at first. Doubts that he’d ever pick up on using the esoteric weapon he currently was swinging. Doubts that there was someone willing and able to teach him, let alone a droid. Doubts that he was actually getting better during this whole escapade. Those doubts gave way to fear, even though he was unsure what he exactly feared. Frustration boiled up from his core in response to his own ignorance.

He ran through the only sequence he knew without giving the motions much thought, preoccupied by the sudden surge of emotions welling up inside of him. Muscles moving on instinct, his body tried to match the droid as best he could. Streaks of yellow and red light reflecting off of his skin, casting their brilliant terror in his mind.

“Don’t go where you opponent leads you!” Rian yelled.

Between the humming and screeching of lightsabers, Arvalis’ ever increasing labored breaths, and the journey through the fog of his own emotions, the Umbaran didn’t pick up on his friend’s advice. Spotting what he thought was an opening, he lunged forward in a stabbing motion aimed at the shoulder of the droid’s blade arm.

Kacey’s response was simple; turning its torso, angling its blade to intercept the brash thrust, and sticking out one of its mechanical legs. Arvalis’ momentum did the rest of the work as moments later the Umbaran was eating dust.

It took the Umbaran a while to rise. His breathing was hard and deep, but he was a stubborn man. Raising his saber once more he set upon the droid with a flurry of strikes. Precision, caution and control had been thrown to the wind. A ferocious scream erupted from his lungs as he dashed towards the droid, his saber trailing behind him. Kacey’s photoreceptors flashed red for a moment as the droid simply brought his saber up slightly and plunged it deep into the Umbaran’s thigh.

. . .

The sound of hard leather meeting stone caused Arvalis to roll on his back. Brushing the sweat out of his eyes he turned to face Rian. The Augur’s forceful strides stopping an inch short of his face. Looking up, the Umbaran met to look of disappointment on the Mirialan’s face.

“Something. . . changed just now.” Rian’s voice carried an inquisitive air. Not quite sure what he had sensed.

“Hahaha, yeah. I slipped.”

“You didn’t,” Rian dryly responded. “And that’s not what I mean. I sensed something dark rising inside of you. Look, Arvalis, you might not be a Jedi. But don’t just blindly give in to your emotions, you’re not an animal.”

Crawling back to his feet, the Umbaran sighed. “Dark side, light side, yadda yadda. Save the speech for another day.”

“Humph!” Scornful disapproval colored Rian’s voice. “We’re done here. For now.”

“We’re far from done. I can still go!” Arvalis shouted.

“No, we’re done.” Rian exclaimed before turning on the heel of his boot towards the exit of the temple.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 27 August, 2017 11:50 PM UTC

Syntax

In this passage, "met a look of disappointment" would be correct.

the Umbaran met to look of disappointment on the Mirialan’s face.

Story

Vulnerability is what makes a character interesting. Insight into the mind creates a dynamic personality. Good work.

A bead of sweat rolled down Arvalis’ face as he tightened and quickened his defensive movements. Being forced to give ground to a droid hurt his pride, even if he didn’t show it, or had time to. He had his doubts at first. Doubts that he’d ever pick up on using the esoteric weapon he currently was swinging. Doubts that there was someone willing and able to teach him, let alone a droid. Doubts that he was actually getting better during this whole escapade. Those doubts gave way to fear, even though he was unsure what he exactly feared. Frustration boiled up from his core in response to his own ignorance.

This is not a finished narrative. Matches must provide a firm resolution, and one character sauntering off while the other insists he is willing and able to continue is not a resolution. The concept that one is disappointed in the other for drawing on the Dark Side is a great, interesting idea, but it needs to be explained thoroughly in the fiction. The ending must be definitive. I also am confused about a Gray Jedi, who calls on both sides of the Force, criticizing somebody else for experiencing emotion. This does not essentially make sense to me as written, I would liked to have seen some explanation for that.

“Humph!” Scornful disapproval colored Rian’s voice. “We’re done here. For now.”

“We’re far from done. I can still go!” Arvalis shouted.

“No, we’re done.” Rian exclaimed before turning on the heel of his boot towards the exit of the temple.

Arvalis backed away from the Droid's relentless assault. "And he thinks this is fitting to my skill-level?"

"You have shown a high understanding of the sequences we have been practicing for the last hour Master Arvalis, now you need to adapt the theory into the practice." Kasey replied in his monotone artificial voice.

Glad for the momentary pause, Arvalis used the break to catch his breath again before snapping out at his friend: "Oh and I thought all we did so far was practising. But if that was just theoretical learning; what the hell is that bucket head talking Rian?"

"You are fighting with your brain not with your heart." Rian explained. "When you fight with someone else, what makes you choose a certain technique in combat over another?"

"Experience?" Arvalis shrugged.

"Yes, your experience, and your experience suggests you what techniques you should choose based on what you see and feel during the combat compared to your previous encounters, so instead of overthinking how to use the few techniques I taught you with a lightsaber, you should see it as one of the many techniques you have learned so far." Rian said.

"That would be much easier if your droid would give me more room to think through my options." Arvalis replied.

"That's exactly what I mean, you overthink the situation. In a real fight you need to make a decision within the blink of an eye, don't you?" Rian said, patting on his friend’s shoulder before giving the droid the sign to continue with his programming. "And this time try not to think so much."

Once Rian stood next to Orcus again, he said to the droid: "Fifty Credits, he beats Kasey this time."

Tilting his grey metallic head the droid replied. "Contradiction: The recent performance of my Master suggests that he is clearly the inferior combatant in this match."

"So the bet is up, let's see who gets the money."

Outside of ears range, Arvalis and Kasey circled each other with their blades at the ready. The words from Rian still rang in his ears, was he really overthinking the situation? Apparently Kasey was still not attacking him, giving him time to think, or was the droid waiting for the Loyalist to make the first move this time. Should he give into that and attack first or wait for the droid to make the first move? Would it matter at all, the droid has been programmed by a brilliant lightsaber combatant, one of the most brilliant in the Clan's history and; ok, now he saw it, he was thinking too much. Alright, Arvalis, you can do it, no more thinking, just doing.

Faking a step to the left, Arvalis dashed to the right, luring the droid into slashing at nothing more but air when he brought up the borrowed lemon blade in an attempt to sever the droid's hand. The attempt failed when the droid grabbed Arvalis with his free hand at the collar, lifting him from the ground.

"That was a good move Master Arvalis," Kasey evaluated. "But it was too predictable, next time you –"

"Who said I am done yet?" Arvalis smirked, when he hit the hidden activation button of his jetpack thrusters in his palms. The thrusters immediately kicked in, propelling both, Arvalis and Kasey, upwards.

Letting go of the Umbarans collar, the droid landed awkwardly on his feet, while Arvalis hovered well out of range of the droid. "Now let's see if you can adapt this into the practice." Arvalis said when he charged for the droid.

He came in fast, staying in range of the droids blade just for a few exchanges before lifting off and coming in again from a different angle to catch the droid off guard. But for as good as this worked, it would be only a matter of time till he ran out of fuel and had to find a new way that gave him an edge over the droid and its spinning lightsaber.

When he came in the next time, the fuel reserves were already down to 10 percent, making his next lift-off most likely the last before his thrusters die out. The inevitable happened when he was just over the droid and the first misfires rattled through him. Looking down to his boots and past himself, Arvalis eyes caught the holster within his jacket: Mist Finer

Making a barrel-roll for a landing, Arvalis drew the slugthrower and fired a volley of two shots at the droid’s legs in quick succession. Each of them easily piercing through the droids right leg’s chassis, just above its ankle.

Looking down on himself, the droid saw the smoldering hole in his leg before the ruptured structure gave away and it lost its balance, falling to the ground face forward.

Slugthrower in one and lightsaber in the other hand, Arvalis walked over to the droid, but decided to stay out of its range. Taking aim, Arvalis was ready to unleash another shot that would sever the hand with lightsaber from the chassis of the droid.

"Well done Arvvy, I knew you can do this." Rian said ending the training. "And Kasey, let's see if we can get someone to fix you up again."

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 27 August, 2017 11:52 PM UTC

Syntax

“Earshot” or “hearing range” would be correct, here. This kind of mixes both, but it is not proper vernacular.

Outside of ears range,

This is missing punctuation. I understand what you were attempting, but it needs further support text or, at the least, a period.

Arvalis eyes caught the holster within his jacket: Mist Finer

Story

Wonderful dialogue here, very fitting.

"You have shown a high understanding of the sequences we have been practicing for the last hour Master Arvalis, now you need to adapt the theory into the practice." Kasey replied in his monotone artificial voice.

Realism

Nice use of the CS, here. Definitely requires a high level of ability, and with +4 in slugthrowers, this is believable.

Making a barrel-roll for a landing, Arvalis drew the slugthrower and fired a volley of two shots at the droid’s legs in quick succession. Each of them easily piercing through the droids right leg’s chassis, just above its ankle.

Looking down on himself, the droid saw the smoldering hole in his leg before the ruptured structure gave away and it lost its balance, falling to the ground face forward.