Battlelord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven vs. Hunter James Malum

Battlelord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Hunter James Malum

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Techweaver
Comment

Firstly, this was obviously a fight between two characters who know one another by more than mere association, which is always a fun thing to read.

Secondly, you both have a tendency to jump around on the narrative, skipping from action to action without dealing with the reactions or transitions between one thing and another. It can be a little jarring.

Ras, solid posts, I honestly don't have a lot to say here that wasn't in the post by post comments.

James, much the same, covered a lot of it in your comments. My advice to you is to slow down, your second post's ending could have been broken up into two, possibly three paragraphs where you detailed out the action. Instead its a quick and hurried jumble of back and forth, sometimes slowing down and explaining the scene helps both the narrative and your score. You had a few realism hits as well, but all of them were basically minor, keep doing your thing and you'll improve.

With a point total of 4.45, Battlelord Rasilvenaira Istrai'Zara StormRaven is the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven, Hunter James Malum
Winner Battlelord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter James Malum's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 29 September, 2017 11:52 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven James Malum
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Minor comma issues here and there, but nothing serious. Rationale: You rushed through certain portions, leaving out commas and and the like. Speak things aloud (as I suggested in your ACC qualification exam) and get proofed.
Story - 40%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven James Malum
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Lack of combat in your second post dragged you down a little. Rationale: Shooting Ras in the first post hurt your story score somewhat, as her shrugging off a blaster hit isn't believable. Ending of your second post hurt you pretty badly.
Realism - 25%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven James Malum
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No discernible issues Rationale: Minor hit for the dual-bladed lightsaber that you gave Ras in the first post. The dual-wielding and blaster stuff in your first post hurt you a bit as well. You departed from the combat aspects of both characters pretty heavily in your end of post two action sequence.
Continuity - 20%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven James Malum
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No problems, even addressed the wounds you suffered throughout the fight. Rationale: No issues
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven's Score: 4.45 James Malum's Score: 3.4
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

James walked across the barren, unforgiving soils of Dathomir. He was told by his master, Rasilvenaria StormRaven, to be at these geo-coordinates for a special training session. He looked around at his surroundings and saw nothing but dead and disfigured trees, small lizards scampering along the dry and infertile soil, and jagged peaks worn by the test of time. He was ready to assume his Master had more important events to attend to when on the horizon he saw a speeder bike soaring toward him. It was about 10 feet away when it made a sudden skid, causing a gust of wind that made his long, jet black robes flap. The biker was wearing a helmet, but he could tell it was his master from a mile away. She was wearing her usual black boots, black pants, and black shirt. She approached him with a swagger manner and then faced him in his eyes with her own chocolate brown eyes.

“I’m surprised you showed up, especially considering how badly I beat you up last training session.” his Master teased, but he shot right back.

“That was months ago, I am a Knight now, I have grown, learned, seen and done. Maybe this time I might beat you, you never know…”

She just blew it off, “Well, I’m not here to chit-chat. I’m here to see how formidable of an opponent you are.” and with that, she made a calculated step towards James, wrapped her slender arms around his frame, and rotated her entire body sending James skidding across the desert floor.

“Hey, that wasn’t fair!” James complained, but he knew very well she wasn’t the type to play fairly.

“Oh, stop being such a baby, get up and fight like a man!” she grabbed her dual-bladed vibrostaff, which had been slung over her back, and advanced towards James, twirling it between her hands never missing a beat. James got up and pulled out his lightsaber from the satchel around his hip belt and ignited it, emitting an ominous glow that complemented the eerie reddish glow of the planet. He then advanced on her, making powerful swing to the shoulder. His Master blocked it with ease. She then started a flurry of swings towards James, which he was barely able to fend off. He then retorted by grabbing his DL-44 blaster from his back pocket and started making precise swings towards the Battlelord while firing at her with his blaster. She easily parried the attacks and dodged the blaster fire, but she made one miscalculated step and accidentally let her shoulder get hit with a blast. She looked at the wound in pain and then shrugged it off as if it was nothing, and then made a grimace at James.

“Wow, you really are better than before, perhaps I should actually try against you.”

“Perhaps you should. I can take whatever you throw at me!”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 30 September, 2017 3:57 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Not a bad setup, especially on ambiance.

  • Creative combat.

Can Be Improved


  • Spend more time reading your opponent's aspects; Ras is lined out as quiet for the most part or a few bantering jabs here and there to get a rise out of her opponent, you went a bit further than that here.

  • Spend more time going over your opponent's loadout. Ras has two lightsabers and a dual bladed dagger, but no dual-bladed lightsaber, so you lost some points for bringing up a weapon that wasn't a part of her loadout.

  • Realism in combat; you write dual wielding a lightsaber and a blaster, which is fine, you have points in dual wielding. You have none in Blasters and attempting to fight off a more experienced duelist and take pot shots with an unfamiliar weapon. Also, the point-blank hit to Rasil's shoulder should have come with more apparent injury, as blasters are about as dangerous as a lightsaber.

A cold smirk spread across the Sith's lips as she listened to her apprentice rattling on, boasting as he often did. She sheathed her weapon and focused her dark eyes on him. Outwardly she was little more than a statue. Rasilvenaira would never let on that the sting in her shoulder was bothering her, especially not to her own apprentice.

She reached deep into the familiar darkness that spread around this desolate world. The Battlelord had chosen this location for a reason and she reveled in the traces of pain and destruction that lingered here. Rasilvenaira focused on the blaster in James' hand and with a swift flick of her wrist it was wrenched from his grasp and tossed into the swamp off to the side.

“I taught you better than to rely on such foolishness. Now, show me what you've truly learned, apprentice.”

The world around James went black, and there was no longer any trace of his master in the Force. He raised his saber with a muttered curse. Well, as his master had drilled into his head, “Sith never play fair.” He readied himself and spun slowly, trying to anticipate her plans.

The Battlelord pressed herself close against the branch of the twisted tree she'd perched herself in and almost smiled as she read her apprentices actions in the Force. Rasilvenaira's obsidian hued eyes held a malicious gleam of amusement as she allowed the darkness to vanish around her apprentice. In the distance behind a different tree, she caused a small twig to snap. As predicted, the sound immediately drew the young Knight's attention.

The Sith had no intention of letting this be a quick fight. She'd brought James here to test and train him, whether he understood that or not was irrelevant. He'd learn, or die. She wasn't really concerned about which result happened.

She followed, moving silently through the gloom and fog that was beginning to grow thicker. Rasilvenaira led her apprentice further into the swamps with the occasional tremor of a branch, snap of twig, or clatter of a small pebble. All the while she kept her true location concealed through the Force and her ability to move far more silently than he apparently thought she could.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 30 September, 2017 4:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Clever solution to the non-loadout weapon at the start.

  • With a complete lack of on James's character sheet, and the disparity between Sense and your Concealment, I'm okay with the stealth aspects of this post.

Can Be Improved


  • Transitioning the scene could have used a little bit of work, you went from Rasil being shot and a quick banter (quite confrontational, on the part of James) to disarming yourself without any indication that your opponent was slowing down.

James stumbled through the darkness. Knowing his Master, she would most likely position him to where she wanted him and pounce on him like a predator pounces a prey. He kept his saber close to him in fear that at any moment she would reveal herself from through the shadows and strike him down in one swift move. He closed his eyes and attempted to sense his Master’s presence in the Force, but could not sense her. He got nervous because he knew she was attempting to disconnect him from the Force and suppress her own presence.

“What’s wrong, can you not see me? I am right here my sweet apprentice…” Her voice echoed from all around James. He kept creeping slowly towards where his Master wanted him, as she slowly stalked behind him. Then, she leaped. With her hunting knife in hand, the Battlelord leaped over the Knight’s head with acrobatic prowess and elegance. She then anchored her arm to his shoulder and landed, thrusting the knife into his abdomen. Once he realized what had just happened, he stared at her in horror and crumpled to the ground in agony.

“What’s wrong James? I thought you could take anything that I threw at you… or, in this case, jabbed inside you.” She said with a cruel smirk. She then laughed and continued to tease him as he was slowly losing blood.

The young Knight would not take this. Anger quickly collected within him as she ridiculed him for his incompetence. And then, it burst. Despite the hallucinogenic poison of the dagger, he was still coherent enough to see the figure looming above him. He got onto one knee and rolled all his weight to the front of his feet. He then burst towards his Master, taking her down. She immediately started to claw and bite him as he pinned her to the floor. He then ripped the knife out of his gaping chest wound and plunged it into his Master’s shoulder. She writhed in pain and he grinned as he saw her in such a hopeless position. He then got up limping away victorious, but then, he collapsed unconscious from the poison.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 30 September, 2017 5:06 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Again, good ambient setup, good conveying of the situation at the start of the post, the feeling of being toyed with and hunted.

Can Be Improved


  • Transitioning, write both characters if you need to; I have no idea while reading this how or when Ras got behind James and attacked him, for example.

  • Watch for using the same verbs/adverbs one line after another, in the case of 'leaped' for example, it can break the reader's flow.

A bit of a problem here, as you ended your post as if it was the end of the fight. Also, your action became very rushed and decidedly uncharacteristic of both characters at the end.

Rasilvenaira growled as she pushed herself up to a kneeling position. She pulled the knife from her shoulder, glad that the bulk of the poison that had coated its blade had been deposited in her apprentice. The Sith attempted to wipe most of the blood from the blade against the damp ground before sheathing the weapon again.

She glanced over to where James had collapsed and, for the moment at least, resisted the urge to separate his head from his shoulders. While Rasilvenaira always considered herself to be rather patient, her apprentice was sorely testing that patience. If he didn't start to use his head, he'd end up losing it for certain.

The Battlelord pulled a piece of cloth from one of the pouches on her belt, and carefully tucked it inside her shirt against the wound. It wasn't an ideal fix by any stretch of the imagination but it might at least help slow the bleeding.

She stood up, growling under her breath again at the pain, then did her best to ignore it. Rasilvenaira glanced back over at her apprentice, and then moved off aways. The Sith let the shadows, the Force, and the rising fog conceal her location as she took advantage of the respite. Rasilvenaira settled herself down between two twisted trees and let the fog wrap around her. She opened herself up to the darkness that flowed so rampantly through the ruined world.

Rasilvenaira considered her options. Sure the easy one would be to just kill her apprentice while he was down. But she'd brought him here to test and train him, not really to kill him. He'd shown potential or she wouldn't have taken him as her apprentice, however, he was also making it very clear that he still had much to learn. He'd achieved knighthood, yes, but if he was to survive long enough to reach the next step he'd have to start fighting smarter.

The Sith heard her apprentice struggling back to his feet, and she grinned. Slowly she slipped the Arashi-Kumori from its place on her hip. The dark double bladed dagger was silent and deadly, and had long been the assassin's favored weapon.

Focusing on James, on the thread of a bond they'd formed over his time as her apprentice, Rasilvenaira reached out to just brush against the edge of his thoughts. I taught you better than this, use your head, James, or I will end you. Succeed and survive, or fail and be forgotten. Choose carefully.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 30 September, 2017 5:23 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Actually addressing battle fatigue and injuries!

Can Be Improved


  • Situationally I understand this one, but the post could have been a bit more drawn out to cover it, as the rules state there must be some form of combat during a post, so that's gonna get you a minor penalty.

Overall, I enjoyed this post; it addresses a lot of things people tend to overlook.

James moaned and slowly opened his eyelids. Despite the dull atmosphere and lack of real lighting, his intensely dilated eyes took the red glow in, causing a dull headache. He slowly tried standing up but was met with an intense pain in his abdomen. He wailed an unholy shriek as he collapsed back to the ground and promptly vomited. The foul bitterness was met with a sick, metallic taste he had met many times, the taste of blood. He wiped his mouth and scanned the area with a jaw clenched from his frustration. The once noticeable fog had now thickened to a heavy soup that inhibited him from seeing more than 5 feet directly in front of him. His Master was nowhere to be seen.

He started crawling slowly through the thick fog that shrouded the landscape, feeling weak and embarrassed that he was forced to this vulnerable position. Then, he was smacked with another emotion, self-hatred. If he would have not let his arrogance lash out against his hurt self-esteem, he would've been able to keep a level head and still be standing. Looking behind him every few seconds, he slowly took his vibrodagger from his robe and held it in anticipation of attack. He knew she was somewhere close by, watching him, observing him, slowly calculating the quickest way to take him out.

A blurry shape flashed across his peripheral vision, he quickly locked eyes on the figure and raised his dagger. But, as quickly as it had appeared it disappeared. It kept moving in and out of his line of sight, he started getting red as his Master teased him. You must keep a level head James, she's trying to get into your head and you know that, stay cool. Then, as he started calming down the figure emerged right behind him and and dashed at him. He had no time to react, no time to move, his Master's speed was incomparably quick as she had been honing it for years. She spun her deadly Arashi-Kumori with great ease in one hand and stuck her elbow out in front of her as some means of defense with the other. She sprinted next to the young Knight and slashed deep into his back with her dual bladed nightmare. As the onslaught continued he channeled what little energy he could meager into his muscles and broke free of the flurry.

Broken and bloodied, he tried to express his pain but his body could not find the energy to. As he slipped into unconsciousness his Master stood over him and cackled, “You are an arrogant boy. I was under the preconception that I had trained you better than that. You let your shallow temper manipulate you and now you have paid the price for it.” She gave out a last cackle and then walked away as he faded from the shackles of reality.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2017 9:23 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Started strong with the setting of the scene again.
  • Addressed your battle fatigue and injuries

Can Be Improved


  • Action transitions, how one thing leads to another.

James groaned as he glanced around, looking for his master. The pain of his injury and the lingering traces of poison still in his system were making it harder for him to focus. He pressed a hand to his wound, but there was little to be done for it right now. He shook his head again trying to clear the haze and called his lightsaber to his hand. He ignited it and took a few steps forward.

“Why hide now, master?” he called out. “Let's finish this.”

Succeed and survive, or fail and be forgotten.

The words seemed to hang in the mists between them. They had been the same words Rasilvenaira had spoken when she first took James as her apprentice. Now it did indeed seem to be the final test. If he failed he would die here and be forgotten on this ruined world.

Rasilvenaira edged around the tree and watched him, keeping her presence concealed. He was bold, she'd give him that. The Sith moved out into the open, her dark eyes focused on the young man.

James turned to face her as he caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. He adjusted the grip on his lightsaber.

The Battlelord beckoned him forward with a smirk. “Come if you're so eager.”

James started to take a step forward, already looking for an opening, then suddenly he hesitated. Now he saw it, the dark double bladed dagger held in her left hand, kept just behind her hip, and the right had resting on the hilt of her lightsaber. The countless lessons she'd drilled into his head came rushing forward- Never rush blindly into anything. Never charge an enemy head on when there are other options.

Of course, it had been a trap, hoping that he'd forget his training and make it easy for her. The Knight shook his head, and instead circled to her right.

Rasilvenaira grinned and nodded approvingly as she sheathed the Arashi-Kumori and unclipped her lightsaber. “So you actually did learn something. Good.” The silver blade of her saber snapped to life with an angry hiss. She pressed the attack, moving in for a strike at his left hip.

James twisted to angle his blade to block, though another groan of pain escaped him at the movement. Rasilvenaira swept her saber back and drove it past his weakened defense. The tip of her saber grazed his left shoulder. Not a critical wound, but enough that it would leave a scar to remind him of this moment.

The Sith chuckled, and stepped back, extinguishing her saber and replacing it on her belt. “Be glad you're still of use to the Clan, but I assure you, your training is far from over, apprentice. Let's go before I have to explain to Braecen how I lost another apprentice, hm?”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2017 9:26 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


  • Played up the mocking tone of your aspects really well

Can Be Improved


  • Stated in a previous comment, how did one thing come to another? What's James's reaction to the saber wound, why does Ras feel comfortable disarming herself right after the attack?