Acolyte Hyle Alihandross vs. Knight Xolarin

Acolyte Hyle Alihandross

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow
vs.

Knight Xolarin

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

It is always nice to see new faces in the ACC. Thank you both for participating!

Both of you did an excellent job detailing your characters’ motivations and thought processes throughout your posts.

However, both of you fell into the trap of misapplying Force powers. Pay close attention to skill level, duration and downtime of individual powers as you are writing them. The Wiki is a handy tool for making sure you are writing the powers accurately.

Hyle, a general lack of detail and confusing introspection really hurt your Story score. I also want to emphasize the importance of utilizing a proofreader for your posts. Though Syntax is the smallest percentage of the ACC rubric, it can make the difference in close matches.

Xolarin, you do a good job writing detailed descriptions of the Force powers that are being used. However, you had a few Realism hits that I detailed below.

As he had the higher score, the winner of the match is Xolarin. However, he would have won even if he did not have the higher score. Keep in mind that if one combatant fails to meet the 250 word minimum, it is considered an automatic disqualification. Pay close attention to your word counts!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Hyle Alihandross, Knight Xolarin
Winner Knight Xolarin
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Hyle Alihandross's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Xolarin's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Refugee Sector
Last Post 7 October, 2017 12:47 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Seer Xolarin Hyle Alihandross
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: A few errors present, but they did not detract from the overall reading of the posts. Rationale: There were numerous spelling and grammatical errors.
Story - 40%
Seer Xolarin Hyle Alihandross
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: A good start to a story, but the details could have been more fully fleshed out. Rationale: There is little explanation regarding the reason for the conflict. Furthermore, the heavy use of introspection in your second post made it confusing for the reader.
Realism - 25%
Seer Xolarin Hyle Alihandross
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: One minor hit in your first post and three in your second post Rationale: Two minor hits in your first post, and one minor hit in your second post.
Continuity - 20%
Seer Xolarin Hyle Alihandross
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: One issue noted in your first post. Rationale: No errors noted.
Seer Xolarin's Score: 3.35 Hyle Alihandross's Score: 2.85
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

A cesspool of the downtrodden, the Refugee Sector on Nar Shaddaa is home to both the unfortunate and criminals alike. Offering their protection for credits, the criminal organizations that control the sector tax the populace outrageous sums. Unable to provide these fees, refugees are forced to work under hazardous conditions producing glitterstim and adrenals for their overseers. Some of these refugees are addicted to the substances themselves—for which the cartels increase the price of their tithes in exchange for a share of the product.

Crammed with stalls and makeshift hovels, several of the sector’s inhabitants find refuge on the streets and in the alleyways. Those who managed to avoid the dangers of drug production can be found selling their limited and often defective goods to others. Behind these stalls a selective stock of black market wares is hidden, reserved for mercenaries and thugs.

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

Littered with garbage, it is obvious that no maintenance droids have been programmed to maintain the sector. The surrounding towers have fallen into decay, bits of debris falling every so often into the middle of the street. The duracrete streets are covered in a film of filth and chemicals from the abandoned warehouses, making movement cumbersome when traveling through the most inhabited areas.

Patrols armed with blasters and vibroswords come through these areas regularly, making a show of force to advertise the merits of their ‘protection’ while extorting the occasional shopkeeper. Screams and shouts are a common enough sound, which is never in the refugees’ best interests to interfere in.

It wasn't the most glamorous posting, but then, intelligence work usually wasn't. Still, he'd delivered the message to SenNet's contact without incident. So far, so good. Except it wan't. Since arriving on Nar Shadda, Hyle had been plagued with a feeling of unease, which he had learned to trust, because it usualy meant trouble. He had concealed himself and his presence in the Force until making the delivery, but it didn't seem to have warded off his sense of forboding.

The alley was empty and quiet, and this was unusual, and probably dangerous. There was a hooded figure at the opposited end. Hyle couldn't perceive anything from this figure which was worrying in itself, people hid themselves from the Force for reasons, which usualy didn't bode well for someone. Hyle leaned against the paltry cover of the stanchion and drew his blaster carbine, steadying the barrel with his right hand. He loosed off a three shot burst. Whoever his opponent was, he was clrealy ready for him, having already startd moving to cover before Hyle had even squeezed the trigger. Hyle was sure one of the shots had at least winged his opponent, but it didn't seem to have checked him. Was it energy reesistant armour or some Force technique. Hyle wasn't sure, and suspect it may have been both.

He considered his options. Losing his pursuer in the crowd wasn't an option. For one thing there was no crowd, and if he was caught, and the fights came to sabres, he risked being exposed, not to mention killed. No, the only thing for it was to end hit here, quickly and quietly. Whatever he had delivered was safe, and he could take cold comfort that what happened to him now would not longer jeopardise the mission.

His opponent had shot back a couple of times. Heavy pistol? Hyle had a slight advantage in firepower, although this wouldn't be of much use against a trained Force user. He couldn't keep opponent's head down forever, so he could only hope that this hooded apparition had the same scruples he did when it came to using a lightsabre in a crowded place.

Lucine Vasano, 12 October, 2017 2:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

It wasn't the most glamorous posting, but then, intelligence work usually wasn't. Still, he'd delivered the message to SenNet's contact without incident. So far, so good.

You do a good job setting up your character’s motivations for being on Nar Shaddaa.

Hyle leaned against the paltry cover of the stanchion and drew his blaster carbine, steadying the barrel with his right hand.

Nice description of action in this sentence.

Can Be Improved

The first post of an ACC battle is the opportunity to expand upon the motivations of your character and your opponent, including their reasons for why they are at the venue and why they are fighting. While you do a decent job explaining why your character is on Nar Shaddaa, this same explanation is not seen for your opponent. Furthermore, your character simply pulled out his blaster and started shooting. You could have done a better job explaining why your character decided to do this.

He had concealed himself and his presence in the Force until making the delivery,

When writing Force powers, it is important to keep skill level, duration and downtime in mind. According to the Wiki, at +1 Concealment a character can hide themselves while their full concentration is on the task. You can avoid a Realism hit on your overall score by either showing the effects of fatigue, or avoiding using advanced powers for prolonged periods of time.

Was it energy reesistant armour or some Force technique[?] While I applaud utilizing your opponent’s loadout, armor is cosmetic in the ACC.

While Syntax is only worth 15% of the overall final score, in can tip the balance in close matches. In the above post, there are numerous spelling errors, many of which could have been caught by utilizing the spell-checker.

There are also a significant number of sentence fragments, such as this one:

So far, so good. Except it wasn't.

As well as quite a few run on sentences, such as:

Hyle couldn't perceive anything from this figure which was worrying in itself, people hid themselves from the Force for reasons, which usualy didn't bode well for someone.

For future matches, I would highly recommend getting someone to proofread your posts before submitting them.

Thousands of places of ill repute existed in the galaxy, and Xolarin had been to a great many of them. But sometimes there was a reason to go to a specific place over others. Nar Shaddaa was a trove of trade and trouble, but it also had something that was often difficult to find: shoddy reproductions of working arms and equipment.

The Knight was on a mission to find some of these, hopefully untraceable, and deliver them as trade goods back in Eden City. The faulty items would be payback for the thugs and criminals who were getting in his way in District IV.

Before the newly-recruited House Liath leader could get a conversation going with one of the pedlars, one who was really just giving him a name, something felt wrong in a more sudden, foreboding way. Someone was watching him, and something told Xolarin that that someone was pulling a weapon to aim right at him. Xolarin quickly jumped behind a pillar in the alley to avoid shots, one nicking his cloak - how rude! Not wanting to draw much attention, he pulled his blaster instead of his lightsaber, squeezing off a few rounds in return.

Who was this guy? Xolarin thought to himself. Did someone from Odan-Urr hunt him down? That was not Master Turel’s style. Did Plagueis come after him? He would likely be dead by now. This had to be something else.

The Dark Jedi took a quick peek at his opponent after his last shot, getting a more precise location, and then began to toss loose items of metal and scrap at the man. Xolarin’s command of the living Force that surrounded everything and everyone was quite potent, and it allowed him to try to hit the man with a barrage of projectiles with little effort. Xolarin’s hand flitted back and forth as he watched the objects do the same, eventually realizing the man could take a beating. But the onslaught continued until Xolarin’s concentration would be interrupted.

Lucine Vasano, 12 October, 2017 2:39 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice job adding to your character’s motivations for being on Nar Shaddaa. I particularly enjoyed this part:

Nar Shaddaa was a trove of trade and trouble, but it also had something that was often difficult to find: shoddy reproductions of working arms and equipment.

Can Be Improved

Xolarin quickly jumped behind a pillar in the alley to avoid [the] shots, one nicking his cloak - how rude! Not wanting to draw much attention, he pulled his blaster instead of his lightsaber, squeezing off a few rounds in return.

While I applaud your providing motivation for your character, all but the final paragraph of this post is essentially the action from your opponent’s post written from your character’s point of view. An ACC post should pick up where you opponent left off and carry the action from there.

Xolarin’s command of the living Force that surrounded everything and everyone was quite potent, and it allowed him to try to hit the man with a barrage of projectiles with little effort.

With a Telekinesis of +2 and in the heat of battle, it would take more than ‘little effort’ to hurl multiple projectiles at your opponent.

But the onslaught continued until Xolarin’s concentration would be interrupted.

You have a few minor grammatical errors, such as the one noted above. Though these are infrequent, it is still a good idea to ask someone to proofread your posts.

Whoever the robed figure was, he was much more skilled in his use of the Force than Hyle was. Hyle's skills tended towards the personal, granting greater endurance or perception, and was no match against one who could use the Force as a force of nature. The most he could do was endure, and perhaps use his own small skill at telekenesis to lesson the impact of the rain of detritus.

He also made a mental note to buy some flashbangs or something that could provide a much needed distraction. It was obvious that avoiding getting caught would no longer be enough, and that he would have to be able to fight his way out when, and not if, it became necessary.

His opponent was concentrating on pelting him with scrap, perhaps he could use this focus to his advantage. Hyle reached out with the Force, attempting to contact the very mind of his opponent, were he delivered a crude telepathic "shout" in order to distract him, with the suggestion of a presence behind him. "Too late!"

Hyle then leapt behind another stanchion. Loosing another volley of shots as he broke cover.

Crouching low, and concentrating on conceiling himself from view and the Force itself, he slowly, deliberately made his way to the crossing of the alley, hoping to ghost away from this uneven confrontation, and lose himself in the streets.

Lucine Vasano, 12 October, 2017 2:50 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

he delivered a crude telepathic "shout" in order to distract him

This is a clever use of Telepathy, using it to break an opponent’s concentration. Well done.

Can Be Improved

According to the ACC guide, the minimum word count for a post is 250 words. Anything less than that results in an automatic loss. You could have avoided this by including more description in your post, such as including more details about your character’s escape.

The preview screen will give you an indication of the number of words in your post. Be sure to check it before you submit, because it might produce a different tally than your word processing software.

with the suggestion of a presence behind him.

Again, it is important to keep power level in mind when writing Force powers. A +1 Mind Trick requires full concentration as well as a focusing gesture. It is unlikely that it could be done during combat. A good rule of thumb is that Force powers that are +3 or better are considered ‘combat ready’.

Another thing to keep in mind is that Telepathy is not directional. The opponent would hear a voice in their mind, but there is no way to indicate which direction the voice is coming from.

Whoever the robed figure was, he was much more skilled in his use of the Force than Hyle was.

While introspection is a great tool for detailing character motivation, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. In this case, over half of your post is introspection. Because your character in considering potential actions, it is important to be clear on what actions your character is actually performing, versus what actions they are simply considering. Otherwise it will result in confusion for the reader, and a hit on your Story score.

"Too late!"

When utilizing dialogue, there should be some sort of attribution to indicate who is speaking. As written, it is difficult to tell if your character is saying this to himself, or if Xolarin is saying it to him.

“Karking…” Xolarin muttered to himself, noticing the younger man getting out of the way of most of the Knight’s flying objects. A few managed to slam into him, but his opponent was quite resourceful and agile.

Xolarin stepped back behind the pylon and closed his eyes briefly. His pause only lasted a few seconds, but to his mind and body it felt longer. For the Dark Jedi was able to call on the Force around him and re-energize himself, focusing not only on where this unknown enemy might go next but also on his next plan of action.

There was a distant muffled sound of commotion outside the alley, perhaps people noticing the blaster fire exchange, and perhaps some of the corrupt police forces coming to investigate. The two combatants were out of sight for the time being, but that would not last long.

Xolarin knew exactly what he wanted to do, but he had to time it perfectly. As the Force fueled him and flowed through him, it all became clear. He moved quickly and came out from his cover, taking a flash grenade out from his belt and tossing it over to where his opponent was heading. Unfortunately, given Xolarin’s physical acumen, it would not land anywhere near where he wanted. It would go off, but would not affect Hyle’s weapons.

The good news is that this was just a diversion, and seemed to have worked, if only a little. Xolarin saw his aggressor right where it was revealed to him through his connection to the Force and, before the Grey Jedi could attempt anything like another blaster assault, raised his hands up at the same time and then pushed them both forward towards Hyle. What resulted was a mass of energy spreading out from Xolarin towards the other, knocking down several crates and thrusting trash around. The younger man was clever, but this wave would get him and slam him back onto his keister.

Xolarin saw the expected dazed look in his opponent, with a curl of his lip hitting his own face. The Dark Jedi then moved quickly to exit the alley and get clear of law enforcement and crowds. He would have to meet his contact another day, which was annoying. But the real quandary was who this Jedi was and if he was here on a mission or purely by happenstance. Xolarin would have to wait to figure that one out.

Lucine Vasano, 12 October, 2017 2:52 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

His pause only lasted a few seconds, but to his mind and body it felt longer. For the Dark Jedi was able to call on the Force around him and re-energize himself,

This is a nice description of Channel.

Unfortunately, given Xolarin’s physical acumen, it would not land anywhere near where he wanted.

Nice job taking your character’s lack of Explosives skill into account.

Can be Improved

noticing the younger man getting out of the way of most of the Knight’s flying objects

Given that your opponent is mediocre in Athletics (+0) and there is no indication in the post that he used Amplification, it is unlikely that he would be able to dodge all of the projectiles so easily.

focusing not only on where this unknown enemy might go next but also on his next plan of action.

From the description of Farsight in on the Skills wiki page: “Farsight is the ability to gain vague impressions of events happening in other places or times using the Force, typically achieved through long meditation sessions.” It is unlikely that your character would have been able to sufficiently meditate in order to obtain the vision he received. Even if he did have the time, he would not have gotten a vision specific enough to tell him where to throw the grenade, even with the “More than a Feeling” feat.

There are also few issues regarding your character’s use of a flash grenade in this post. The primary problem is that you are using a flash grenade at all. Do not forget that you are only allowed to use the items that are on your loadout when the match was created.

What resulted was a mass of energy spreading out from Xolarin towards the other, knocking down several crates and thrusting trash around. The younger man was clever, but this wave would get him and slam him back onto his keister.

The other problem is your description of what occurs. A flash grenade “creates a massive flash of light and loud noise”, and though it does create a “mild impactive blast”, it is unlikely it would have done what you described.