A cesspool of the downtrodden, the Refugee Sector on Nar Shaddaa is home to both the unfortunate and criminals alike. Offering their protection for credits, the criminal organizations that control the sector tax the populace outrageous sums. Unable to provide these fees, refugees are forced to work under hazardous conditions producing glitterstim and adrenals for their overseers. Some of these refugees are addicted to the substances themselves—for which the cartels increase the price of their tithes in exchange for a share of the product.
Crammed with stalls and makeshift hovels, several of the sector’s inhabitants find refuge on the streets and in the alleyways. Those who managed to avoid the dangers of drug production can be found selling their limited and often defective goods to others. Behind these stalls a selective stock of black market wares is hidden, reserved for mercenaries and thugs.
Littered with garbage, it is obvious that no maintenance droids have been programmed to maintain the sector. The surrounding towers have fallen into decay, bits of debris falling every so often into the middle of the street. The duracrete streets are covered in a film of filth and chemicals from the abandoned warehouses, making movement cumbersome when traveling through the most inhabited areas.
Patrols armed with blasters and vibroswords come through these areas regularly, making a show of force to advertise the merits of their ‘protection’ while extorting the occasional shopkeeper. Screams and shouts are a common enough sound, which is never in the refugees’ best interests to interfere in.
Positive Takeaways
You do a good job setting up your character’s motivations for being on Nar Shaddaa.
Nice description of action in this sentence.
Can Be Improved
The first post of an ACC battle is the opportunity to expand upon the motivations of your character and your opponent, including their reasons for why they are at the venue and why they are fighting. While you do a decent job explaining why your character is on Nar Shaddaa, this same explanation is not seen for your opponent. Furthermore, your character simply pulled out his blaster and started shooting. You could have done a better job explaining why your character decided to do this.
When writing Force powers, it is important to keep skill level, duration and downtime in mind. According to the Wiki, at +1 Concealment a character can hide themselves while their full concentration is on the task. You can avoid a Realism hit on your overall score by either showing the effects of fatigue, or avoiding using advanced powers for prolonged periods of time.
While Syntax is only worth 15% of the overall final score, in can tip the balance in close matches. In the above post, there are numerous spelling errors, many of which could have been caught by utilizing the spell-checker.
There are also a significant number of sentence fragments, such as this one:
As well as quite a few run on sentences, such as:
For future matches, I would highly recommend getting someone to proofread your posts before submitting them.