Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Reaver Satsi Tameike

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Reaver Satsi Tameike

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
Comment

Thank you both for your participation and seeing this match through to completion.

This was a very strong showing, with some stand-out misplays on both sides. Please refer to the post comments to see how these are addressed, but know that in the grand scheme that what was done well was done very well. Which is what makes the slip-ups all the more glaring.

Both combatants are stand-out writers when playing to their strengths. Without deviation, it would be hard to draw a line in the scores on the rubric. However, a line was drawn due to how the posts played out. Sometimes, an early mistake can make all the difference and that's what happened here.

After having both the Voice and Deputy Grand Master review the scores rationale, they have been tallied with Satsi Tameike coming out as the victor.

Hall Phase II: Retribution [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1.5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Reaver Satsi Tameike
Winner Reaver Satsi Tameike
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Reaver Satsi Tameike's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: The Badlands
Last Post 20 October, 2017 11:41 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Almost entirely sound, outside of some minor issues. Please refer to the post comments. Rationale: Almost entirely sound, outside of some minor issues. Please refer to the post comments.
Story - 40%
Deleted Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: The biggest hit you took in regards to story came in your first post. It was a combination of an utter lack of combat, clunky dialogue, changing to omniscience, and assumptions towards reader knowledge. You really pick up the slack in this regard for your final post, but the damage was already done. Rationale: The convenience of the ending is the real major hang-up here that brought this score down. Everything prior was strong in both imagery and implementation, but this really pulled things back for me.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was apparent, though any more confusion on the "as if directing the air" could have caused one. Watch out for that. Rationale: The difference in the damage to Andrelious' ligaments as described and the resulting injury was the draw here. After discussing his ease of movement, without any Healing applied, it just isn't viewed as a realistic depiction of the injury.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Deleted's Score: 4.05 Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir's Score: 4.2
Posts

the_badlands

To walk upon the surface of Nancora is to take a path akin to a death sentence. That is how it earned its moniker: the Badlands. The Nancora system's star scorched the earth long ago, leaving a barren, sun-bleached surface behind. The soil remains as nothing but dust and left to the winds mercy. But there is none, as dust storms can form without warning and charge across the wastelands as roaring behemoths. The only shelter to be found lies scattered in the form of ruins of a time long past.

Spires and wreckage claw up through the cracked surface, giving the appearance of a planet-spanning junkyard. It is there that the Technocratic Guild gathers much of their resources, repurposing what once was into materials for new fabrications. At the same time, the most dangerous of these ruinous death-traps show the signs of the Technocratic elite's rigorous training. With a central spire rising from beneath a mound of wreckage, fresh scorch marks pocket the landscape of rising dunes in a circular clearing alongside the sand scraped remains of those who failed. A labyrinthian ring of partially unearthed structures closes in this area, providing some semblance of cover from the passing storms but nearly as dangerous themselves due to their weakened state. One wrong step can lead to collapse.

Very few come to the Badlands of Nancora. Fewer still make out out again.

High Priority Target

Name: Kerwin Drake
Affiliation: Technocratic Guild
Species: Devaronian
Gender: Male
Height: 2.03 m
Weight: 136.08 kg

A loyal member of the Technocratic Guild, Kerwin Drake has been identified as a notable scavenger and demolitions specialist within their ranks. It is possible that he is acting in a solo capacity, but it is statistically more likely that he is flanked by a contingent of loyal combatants. Approach with utmost caution.

Click for full dossier details.

Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj was not usually the first person called upon for an assassination mission, but the more that the Sith found out about the Technocratic Guild, the more he wanted to get involved. Originally, the mission he was on had been given to his wife, Kooki, but Andrelious seemed even keener than usual to keep the Alderaanian away from the action. As soon as he took his first steps into the Nancora Badlands, however, he began to regret his decision.

Why do I get the feeling that this is a Rhylance trap? Andrelious wondered.

Looking around the area that he had been told to find his target, Mimosa-Inahj saw little but desolation. Scattered ruins indicated that there had once been a town in the immediate vicinity, but any signs of life had departed a long time ago.

In the distance, Andrelious spotted a solitary figure. He smiled to himself. This was going to be easier than expected; he had been told to expect Kerwin Drake to be accompanied by a large number of the Technocratic Guild’s enhanced soldiers. As the Sith closed in, though, he soon realised that he’d mistaken an unknown Human woman for his target. From what Mimosa-Inahj could see, she looked as if she had spent quite a lot of her life fighting. Her face was covered in scars, whilst her body had clearly been put through the rigours of a tough training regime.

I’ll just deal with this wayward enemy. They’re not so good on their own!

The woman spotted the approaching Andrelious.

“Well, yer not who I’m looking for, sugah!” the woman declared, eyeing the Sith carefully. Her gaze was quickly drawn to the two lightsabers clipped to his belt.

“You’re obviously not with the Guild. Those bastards shoot me on sight. Or try to, at least,” the Taldryanite remarked.

“Yer a sparkfingers. They seem to be havin’ a problem with that,” the female answered.

“Exactly who are you? And who are you looking for?” Andrelious questioned.

“Yer a frakkin’ curious one, aren’t ya? The name’s Satsi. Satsi Tameike.”

“Tameike? You’re not related to Uji Tameike are you?” the Sith queried, noticing a passing resemblance to his former ally.

Satsi raised an eyebrow. “He’s my twin. Yer know him?”

“He and I once fought side-by-side. He even helped rescue my family. Then Atyiru decided to betray all that Arcona was supposed to stand for,” Andrelious explained.

“Short, toxic and outright nasty. That’s the jist of what’s in yer DIA file, Tiny,” Tameike commented.

“So you’ve figured out who I am. Good for you. Now I suggest you either tell me why you’re here on this horrible rock, or just get out of my way,” the Sith growled.

“Lookin’ for some man called Drake. And I guess yer here for somethin’ similar?” Satsi questioned.

“Kerwin Drake. I’m looking for him as well. I’ll assume that Atyiru’s briefed you on the situation,” Andrelious stated.

“Not exactly, Tiny. Let’s just say there’ve been a few changes. No more Atyiru,” the female answered.

Atyiru’s dead? That would explain why the twins had that nightmare. Perhaps the rest of the Clan finally had enough of her light-side nonsense, the Seeker mused.

Andrelious nodded. “Well, as much as I’d love to discuss what’s happening back in Dajorra, I have a mission to be getting on with. Good day, Miss Tameike. Give my regards to your brother!”

“Tiny. We’re lookin’ for the same frakker. How’s about we work together?” Satsi asked.

The Sith considered the proposal for a few moments. He had never come across Satsi before, in spite of having once served alongside her twin. He was a little troubled by how easily she seemed to recall him from DIA files that were supposed to be available only to Arcona’s leadership, but he and Satsi appeared to have a common mission.

“Very well, Miss Tameike. If what I’ve heard about Drake is true, we’d probably be fools to try and take him on alone,” Andrelious announced, motioning to Satsi to follow him.

The Arconan smirked as she drew her dagger.

Now it’s your turn to be stabbed in the back, Sith! the female thought.

Satsi snuck slowly towards her prey, her movements careful and quiet. As she began to close in on Andrelious, the Taldryanite suddenly grabbed his silver hilted lightsaber, turning to face his would-be killer.

“So ya know I’m not on yer side, sparkfingers. That’s not going to be enough to save ya,” Satsi snarled.

Andrelious took a few steps back, pointing his lightsaber blade directly at the Arconan’s throat. “You don’t even have the Force. You’re the one who can’t be saved!” he shot back.

The new Shadow Lord readied herself.

Just try me, sparkfingers!

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 3:54 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

What stood out to me was the first few paragraphs. You did the groundwork wonderfully in building up the match. This is where, as a reviewer, I would point your gaze on where to expand. Maintaining this quality throughout would really shore up the story and grant you an advantage in most matches.


Areas For Improvement

One of the easiest mistakes one can make in regards to syntax is repetition. This is mostly when you repeat a concept. Can work great when used to emphasise a point, but that's not the case with the following:

This was going to be easier than expected; he had been told to expect Kerwin Drake to be accompanied by a large number of the Technocratic Guild’s enhanced soldiers.

Expected and then that he had been told to expect. Rather than driving the point home, it can have a retreading effect.

Another area that drew my attention was the expectation of reader knowledge. With references to the "DIA files" I, despite having spent a short time in Arcona, had no idea what you were referring to. Without checking the wiki, I still probably wouldn't. You can't make assumptions about what the reader does and doesn't know. Even if that means name dropping it in full at least once.

The final issue I found relates to the story of this post. A good rule of thumb is that at least a third of the opening post's content should relate to the conflict, and the combat specifically. Other than a stand-off, this post is almost entirely dialogue. Not the most engaging dialogue either. The other factor that doesn't help is that your point of view keeps slipping between omniscient and limited. In the beginning, we have a limited view with only the knowledge Andrelious has. Then you start slipping in Satsi's thoughts as well and her perspective. This shift to omniscient is jarring for a reader, as we suddenly have more knowledge than we did prior without that expectation built up to begin with.

Inahj swung faster than she'd expected, aiming for where her neck met her shoulders. She ducked and caught his saber on her knife with a rising two-handed parry that forced the blade aside and nearly out of his grip. Snarling, Satsi backhanded a slash that narrowly missed his eyes, continuing the motion into a diving roll through the grit and rock. He chased after her, chaining together rapid strikes.

The Arconan rocked back on her shoulders, abdomen coiling and legs swinging, and flipped upright in time to spear an elbow into the man's ribs as he raised both arms overhead in a powerful chop. She heard the wind go out of him with a muted, tiny crackle, and his rubber-lipped smirk fell into a rictus of pain.

He doubled over. She lifted a foot, put the edge of her boot on top of his kneecap, and stomped down, feeling the ligaments tear as it shifted. Inahj yowled and buckled, saber clattering from his hands. Moving quickly, Satsi planted her feet and pivoted her hips, rocketing forward to kick him in the side of the head, then watched him sprawl flat as white spittle speckled the edges of his lips and blood spotted the sand.

She kicked his silver-hilted saber away and stepped over him, panting hard in short, sharp, exhilarated gasps. Her grip spasmed on her dagger. Her knee ached with delicious phantom pain, bone bruised for its effort.

Inahj rolled on his side, groaning. Satsi sneered down at him, then knelt and started patting at his person even as he batted at her, waving a hand and mumbling, "Don't." Her fingers hovered over his holsters and, after a moment's hesitation staring at the weapons there, she sat back, smirking. No others. Good.

Her trip into the wastelands of Nancora was meant to be simple reconnaissance for infiltration, but she had recognized Inahj on sight. She had seen him often while watching from her brother's shadow. He didn't look dangerous, but his record was long, and his interactions with her brother had been tumultuous at best. Uji had commented of the man that he was of no use to them.

"He is inconsequential," her twin had said. "Do not concern yourself with his like."

"But would he try ta kill yah?" Satsi had insisted, and Uji shrugged one shoulder.

"Given his feelings towards the clan, it is as likely as any other, were we to encounter one another again. He once blamed me for several occurrences, including endangerment of his children."

All this her twin had delivered with a complete lack of concern, but Satsi hadn't shared his blasé attitude. A possible threat was a possible threat, and in her experience sparkies and grudges went together like whores and credits.

Satsi wasn't taking any chances. Eventually, anybody who was a threat to her brother was going to burn.

The recollection passed in a heartbeat as the woman put her blade to the Sith's throat. He blinked at her, brows scrunching in concentration. She dropped her gaze deliberately to the carriers sewn into his robes. "File says you got a couple of brats. Matched set, just like me an' mine. Tell ya what, I'll let ya pick. Should I cut both their throats, or should I leave one alive? Gotta say, I'd recommend the former. Being half a person alone like that, it's worse than dead."

His face twisted up in the satisfying rage she had expected.

What she didn't expect was for his muddled countenance to evaporate entirely, replaced by a clear-eyed, seething glare and a bloody, swollen snarl.

Before she could react, a crushing pressure encircled her windpipe and she dropped her dagger, instinctively clawing at her throat. Her eyes bulged at the sudden lack of air.

"Foolish scum," snarled the recovered man, climbing unsteadily to his feet and standing over her with a hand outstretched. "Do you know how many have failed to kill me? You are just one more sad attempt. You don't know the true power of the Sith!"

Her vision was going dark at the edges. Satsi stopped grasping at her neck and dropped her fingers to her belt, scrabbling desperately. The Sith clenched his soft, corpse-pale hand into a fist and the tight blackness rose in a warm tide behind her eyes.

"You dare to speak of my girls? I will have you suffer. I'll rip out that impudent tongue of yours then carve your throat while you're still breathing and send the remains to your precious brother! I will see him dead too!"

Never, she thought viciously, activating and dropping the grenade she held directly between them. Inahj's glare only had a second to widen in disbelief. Then dioxis gas exploded in a roiling cloud of pale, deathly green.

Satsi, having gagged as soon as he'd shifted his focus and released her, choked back a gasp, scrambling for her breath mask. Coughing into it, the woman dodged blindly to the side and ducked under a long-forgotten archway, feeling her insides burn and throat sting from even the small bit of toxin caught in her airway.

She hoped the Sith was suffocating out there.

Unfortunately, the wind was as wicked as the heat, and the gas quickly dissipated. A moment later, Inahj's ragged voice called out. "You can't hide from me, Tameike! I will find you, and you'll pay!"

Satsi rolled her eyes and pulled down her mask as it grew unbearably hot underneath it. She scanned the area rapidly, listening for sand-muted footsteps, when a flash of distant metal and movement caught her gaze in the glaring light. She felt cold, then hot, then rather like laughing.

She had a terrible idea.

Turel would be proud, she thought of her friend.

The Arconan grabbed the lightsaber at her lower back in one hand and drew her pistol with the other. Then she crept slowly towards the nearest bit of rubble jutting out from the dunes as the hum of Inahj's saber grew closer.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 4:14 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There was a lot done well here. The casual references to the environment while leaning on adjectives gave it a sense of life and clarity that wouldn't be there otherwise. You also interwove the combat and story without dropping the pacing too much, though it did slow in the middle (especially with the 'memory').


Areas For Improvement

What caught me most was the transition from Andrelious on the ground to on the offensive again. You specifically referenced torn ligaments, but spent no time addressing his use of Healing to rectify that fact. Because the only carry over from it is his "unsteadiness" when standing, it falls under Realism as a minor error due to not matching the injury. Such damage would be a severe, hobbling injury that needs medical attention to resolve.

This line here tripped me up somewhat:

Satsi, having gagged as soon as he'd shifted his focus and released her, choked back a gasp, scrambling for her breath mask.

Gag, more or less, is defined as choking. You then reference "choked back a gasp". This creates slightly repetitious imagery, but even more so when used in the same sentence. It breaks up the flow and muddles the sequence of events.

Andrelious was surprised to see his opponent wielding a lightsaber. He was sure that she could not touch the Force, but now he began to wonder if Satsi was able to hide her connection. The fact that she was the sister of one of Arcona’s Force users further reinforced his doubt.

It doesn’t matter. Just strike her down. Andrelious thought to himself.

Grasping onto his wounded knee, the Sith guided a Force generated current of warmth through the injury. The damage done was large enough to make a complete repair impossible, but Mimosa-Inahj did just enough to allow him to stand relatively comfortably, albeit with his weight almost entirely on his other leg.

Satsi had not wasted her time. Safely perched on her rubble platform, she started taking pot shots at the Taldryanite. The slugs zoomed toward their target, buffeted off course slightly by the wind, eventually whistling just past Mimosa-Inahj’s ear. She cursed and fired again, but Andrelious, warned by the near-miss, swatted the incoming slug out of the air with his lightsaber.

“Down you come!” Andrelious cried, pushing through the air as if trying to divert the wind towards his opponent. Satsi knew what was coming next; she did her best to brace herself. As it was, the ‘attack’ didn’t happen for a few moments more, but it was still easily enough to knock the Mercenary off her perch.

Twisting in the air as best she could, Tameike hit the ground hard, but quickly clambered back to her feet, not showing any obvious signs of injury. Andrelious cursed under his breath, clearly annoyed at his apparent failure.

“Yah’ll have to try a little harder than that, Tiny,” Satsi taunted.

Angry though he was, Andrelious ignored the comment. He remained unmoving, fearful of putting too much weight on his still very sore knee. He also kept on feeling a little dizzy from where Satsi had kicked him in the head, but his determination to destroy the woman that had threatened his children was strong. Allowing her to walk away was not an option.

“I guess I’ll make a move then!” the Arconan shouted, charging at Andrelious. The woman swung her lightsaber towards her opponent’s legs, but the Sith parried the attack, the Force steering his movements. A second, higher slash was also blocked, but the sheer power of Satsi’s blow almost knocked the lightsaber clean out of Mimosa-Inahj’s hands.

With a snarl, Andrelious counter-attacked, having noticed that his opponent fought as if she were wielding a standard sword. She was stronger, faster, and probably a little tougher than he was, but the Force, combined with his training in bona fide lightsaber combat, gave him exactly the kind of edge that he needed in close quarters combat. Satsi moved to block the attack, but the Taldryanite changed direction at the last moment, his crimson blade slicing directly through the woman’s pistol.

“Now that’s just dirty fightin’!” Satsi hissed.

“Dirty was making this personal!” Mimosa-Inahj roared back.

Still careful not to alter his stance too much, Andrelious began to take control of the duel with an expertly chained together series of slashes, each one testing the Arconan’s stubborn defences. As the onslaught continued, Satsi waited for a brief lull in the action to move back and out of range of her enemy’s lightsaber. Behind Andrelious, the thing she had sighted earlier was looming large.

“Hey! PB!” Tameike called out. Andrelious turned around, coming face to face with Satsi’s large ‘KX’ series droid. As he watched, his opponent hurled her dagger through the air, the weapon landing straight into the droid’s grasp.

‘PB’ charged for Andrelious, but the Sith, tossing his lightsaber away, summoned a wave of Force lightning almost effortlessly. The droid soon floundered in the face of overwhelming current, its arms and legs flailing wildly as dozens of servos overloaded.

The distraction was exactly what Satsi had been hoping for. Whilst Andrelious was still finishing off her prized droid, the woman launched herself in the air, squarely kicking her opponent at the base of his spine. The Sith cried out in pain, collapsing forward, but Satsi was far from finished. She stamped hard on Mimosa-Inahj’s left hand, smiling broadly as she heard his finger bones shatter.

“Yah will never threaten me or mine again!” Satsi spat, slamming her boot on the Taldryanite’s throat. Andrelious barely had time to scream out in pain before his windpipe completely gave way.

Satsi did not regard the broken Sith again. She was already collecting her dagger from the smoking remains of her droid.

For the Mimosa-Inahj family, the galaxy had just become a lot smaller.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 4:27 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Grasping onto his wounded knee, the Sith guided a Force generated current of warmth through the injury.

This was an intelligent play, catching on what was missing from the previous post and addressing it quickly.

All in all, this post is vastly improved from your first and does a great job conveying imagery and emotion. Carrying this through both would have been to your benefit.


Areas For Improvement

A subtle slipup in punctuation for the following line: It doesn’t matter. Just strike her down. Andrelious thought to himself. When structured in this way, it's closer to dialogue than otherwise and follows the same rules. It would end with a comma, leading into "Andrelious thought".

The following is just a case of awkward imagery:

[...] pushing through the air as if trying to divert the wind towards his opponent. Satsi knew what was coming next; she did her best to brace herself. As it was, the ‘attack’ didn’t happen for a few moments more, but it was still easily enough to knock the Mercenary off her perch.

I get that you are using TK to push down your opponent, but two potential lines of thought are drawn here. The first is that, somehow, your character is using TK on the wind. Of course, that's not happening, nor is it possible. Still, that image sticks. The other was your actual use of TK, which is awkward in the application of the "delay" here. Typically, the hand motions are a focusing action that occurs simultaneously with the application of the power, especially when pushing. Just a little awkward, all in all.

Satsi pressed her back to a ruined spire and listened as Inahj's movements faded. She barely dared to peek around her cover. The small man was limping, favoring the knee she hadn't injured, and he continued to call out incensed threats while his black-hilted saber shone in his grasp.

The Arconan switched her gaze to her newer target, but the figures were still some distance away. Ducking back around, she yanked her new Summit ring off her finger and tossed it away. As far as the Brotherhood was concerned, she'd been dead for the last year, and inconsequential before that. Her Consulship was so new, Atty's body wasn't even cold. Surely the Collective wouldn't have any reason to know who she was.

She was betting her life on it.

Checking again for the other Human and hissing when he turned as if sensing her, Satsi retreated and took a short, sharp breath. Then she turned the saber around and pressed the emitter flush against her right shoulder.

She flicked the activation trigger.

She had been bracing not to scream. She did anyway.

She spasmed with the pain, and even the small jostle made it worse, filling her nose with the stink of burning flesh and slicing through her skin and muscle like butter. Satsi keened and dropped the saber, the blade blessedly deactivating the moment her thumb left its switch. It thumped to the ground, and she followed, slumping to her knees.

She was sucking air between her teeth and eating the agony when Inahj's booted feet appeared, one dragging behind the other. Satsi snarled at him as he appraised her state and the discarded lightsaber.

"You thought to wield a Sith's weapon? It's only fitting you'd wound yourself," Inahj hissed, yellowed eyes narrowing. His ugly mouth curled in disgust, and his doughy face was an odd flush of purplish-red rage and pain.

Satsi leveled her pistol at him and willed her good arm to stop shaking. Rage gave her strength, and she took it gladly, jamming her finger down on the trigger and feeling the crack with each retort of the gun. His lightsaber spun up, meeting each shot and disintegrating the bullets. A heartbeat later, an invisible force ripped the pistol from her hand, flinging it across the dunes.

Inahj sneered at her again and outright laughed when she pulled another grenade off her belt and tossed it at him. He hurled it far overhead with a flick of the Force, and the sonic BOOM of the seismic charge did no more than make them flinch.

"Have you realized how futile your efforts are yet?" seethed the Sith, and Satsi curled her lip at him, hoping the improvised beacon would have been enough.

"Shadows, I can't wait to see yer wife's face when she hears I beat you around," she taunted as she staggered upright, knives raking down her nerves from the hole in her shoulder.

Inahj's face grew closer to magenta. In the next heartbeat, Satsi was thrown back as if hit by a speeder. She was barely aware of smashing into twisted metal and meeting the sand in a crumpled heap.

Head swimming, the Arconan groaned, hearing Inahj approach through the ringing in her ears. Pudgy fingers bit into the back of her neck, pressing her cheek into the dust. The blinding glow of a lightsaber hummed along the side of her face.

“Insolent female,” spat the aging man, uninjured knee digging into her kidney. The hand on her neck adjusted, and fingers burrowed into the wound in her shoulder. She gasped against the pain, and the movement was enough to bring her cheek too close to the plasma blade hovering over it. The stench of frying skin filled her nostrils.

He gave a pleased snort. Sweaty, bloody digits brushed over the ridges in her skin where her spine peaked.

“A cybernetic back?” Inahj scoffed. “No better than these Technocrats. This is what happens when you attack a Warlord of the Sith, you sick, mundane dog.”

The weight of his knee disappeared, accompanied by the superheated crack of lightning, and then the world went white with agony.

The universe imploded into silence.

Satsi came out of it slowly, into a world of pain. Cracking her eyes open, she hissed as the area came into focus between stinging grains of sand. There was a deactivated lightsaber very close to her...with a hand still curled around it. And an arm attached. Bits of it were missing. Bits of it were all over, in charred clumps. She realized belatedly that she was splattered with the gore.

Satsi tried to turn her head, to look around further, but her body wouldn't allow it. There were people. They might have been soldiers. A large man crouched next to her, a rocket launcher still smoking on his wrist. He was saying something.

"...going….be alright. Get you...med evac."

Satsi dragged her eyelids back, unsure when she'd been turned over or moved. She smelled bacta. A broad face, pale green and full of smiling lines and stern creases, was speaking to her from behind a dense black beard. He had horns.

Kerwin Drake. She recognized him from the dossiers. If she could have, she would have smiled. This not-so-staged rescue might go better than she'd hoped.

"...safe now, the Force-user...dead...rest, soldier."

"Thank ya…C'mander..." Satsi mumbled, and he gave her a surprisingly gentle nod for his size before he stood up and began barking orders with steady, brutal efficiency. Another Collective agent came and knelt. She felt a dull pinch in her arm before something cool and drowsy rushed up her veins. Her eyes drooped.

Voices spoke around her in urgent tones. She vaguely thought she was being lifted onto something, but couldn't be sure. Everything was too floaty. A machine or something beeped nearby, and a last, swimming thought occurred to Satsi.

She'd have to tell her twin that Inahj had been good for something after all.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 4:50 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The portrayal of characters is good here, and definitely your writing's strongest trait. You lean heavily into Inahj's desire to cause a 'messy end' for his opponent. That creates the meat of the conflict here in this post, and is written well.


Areas For Improvement

Really, the only takeaway I have is that despite the small foreshadowing you do at the beginning of this post, I'm still left with so many questions towards the rescue. Why would they just grab her and treat her? Andrelious' death is just glossed over too. It's also a major assumption, considering Consul status should be major knowledge and the Collective should be tracking on it, but putting that aside, these other questions remain. Give the reader answers to the why. It's just as blurred for us as it is for Satsi at the end, and altogether too convenient as laid out now, fictionally. These questions, and the ease with which they just accept her as one of theirs, probably caused the most discussion out of anything in this match. It had the potential to ruin a lot of the good work you had done prior.