Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var vs. Augur Kordath Bleu

Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Zeltron, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Augur Kordath Bleu

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for your participation in this event and seeing this match through to completion!

There's a lot going on here, and both of you had to cram it into the limitations of the competition parameters. As a result, we are left with a very strong match but one that is not without its imperfections. These go both ways. No one writer claimed solitary dominion over any section of the rubric.

You both did a good job with the action and plot here. Emotion weighed heavily for one writer while descriptions of action were great for the other. In the end, there were some minor Realism hiccups that really tripped up one author's efforts while both seemed to suffer from missing sections due to excising content to meet the word count.

I'd love to see you both go at it without any limitations. That would be something to see.

This match underwent review by the Deputy Grand Master and the final scores have been settled. With their tally, the winner is Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var by a thin margin.

Congratulations to you both and see you in the next round of matches.

Hall Phase II: Retribution [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1.5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, Augur Kordath Bleu
Winner Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Kordath Bleu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: The Badlands
Last Post 27 October, 2017 5:03 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some minor issues here or there, please see the takeaway comments. Rationale: Some minor issues and a Markdown error, please see the takeaway comments.
Story - 40%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: It was your constant juggling of the combat and pushing the story forward that showed the strength in your writing. What hurt you the most was some head-scratchers in your final post. It really felt like there was no emotional impact with the ending. It just kind of cuts to an end. Rationale: You really did a lot of things right and got me invested in the emotions of the match and the writing of it. Lack of more significant engagement in your first post hurt you from a pacing perspective, but I felt your ending still packed enough punch to keep you in a higher level of the rubric.
Realism - 25%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was apparent. Rationale: Minor hits in each of your posts. One pertaining to Stun, the other to Barrier.
Continuity - 20%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was apparent. Rationale: Nothing that was apparent.
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Score: 4.45 General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.2
Posts

the_badlands

To walk upon the surface of Nancora is to take a path akin to a death sentence. That is how it earned its moniker: the Badlands. The Nancora system's star scorched the earth long ago, leaving a barren, sun-bleached surface behind. The soil remains as nothing but dust and left to the winds mercy. But there is none, as dust storms can form without warning and charge across the wastelands as roaring behemoths. The only shelter to be found lies scattered in the form of ruins of a time long past.

Spires and wreckage claw up through the cracked surface, giving the appearance of a planet-spanning junkyard. It is there that the Technocratic Guild gathers much of their resources, repurposing what once was into materials for new fabrications. At the same time, the most dangerous of these ruinous death-traps show the signs of the Technocratic elite's rigorous training. With a central spire rising from beneath a mound of wreckage, fresh scorch marks pocket the landscape of rising dunes in a circular clearing alongside the sand scraped remains of those who failed. A labyrinthian ring of partially unearthed structures closes in this area, providing some semblance of cover from the passing storms but nearly as dangerous themselves due to their weakened state. One wrong step can lead to collapse.

Very few come to the Badlands of Nancora. Fewer still make out out again.

High Priority Target

Name: Gwendolyn "Sparks"
Affiliation: Technocratic Guild
Species: Twi'lek
Gender: Female
Height: 1.55 m
Weight: 49.9 kg

Based on intel received, Gwendolyn—or simply "Sparks" as her fellow Technocrats have both affectionally and warily named her—has a penchant for causing chaos and anarchy in pursuit of what can only be described as a passion for 'explosive artwork'. Of note is the fact that she has been identified as a disciple of the Guild Master himself, her apparent loyalties remain only to her freedom to creatively modify explosive weapons, as well as inventing new ones entirely. The highest level of caution is recommended.

Click for full dossier details.

He stumbled into the dark ruin, little more than a gutted metal room with one end opening out to the ravaged wastelands. Pulling his hood and breathing mask down, the Ryn took a raspy breath, shaking the sand from his cloak and clothes. He reached into his coat and drew forth a bottle, taking a long pull to wet his lips. The whiskey burned down his throat, suffusing him with warmth. Kordath hated this planet. It was all sand, itchy and coarse, with hot wind and blazing sunlight. It was a hellscape to the Arconan.

He had a good reason to be on this forsaken world; a vengeance-driven cause. It was unlike the easy-going Ryn to be concerned with such thoughts, but it wasn't an everyday sort of situation. A quick look around the room revealed a crate. He settled onto it, back against the pitted metal wall, waiting for the storm to abate.

He'd come this far into the so-called Badlands for a specific purpose, and he wasn't turning back because of a sandstorm. She was out here. The intelligence had been clear about few things, but three had connected for Kordath.

First, that Gwendolyn "Sparks" was the premiere explosives master of the Collective.

Second, that this "Sparks" was probably the architect of the suicide tugs that had laid into Arconan forces during the battle with the Suffering.

Third, that she liked to test her equipment around this area, where the Collective trained its men and where she couldn't blow up anything significant.

After the intel had crossed his desk, he decided that he would end this particular threat. She'd killed his friend, one of the closest friends he'd ever had. Not to mention the despair it had caused the late Consul’s apprentice, and his bride to be.

Mostly it was because it would feel right, even though he knew it meant flirting with the Dark Side. A prickling at the edge of his senses brought him back into the moment, away from the amber, tear-swollen eyes of his beloved. He realized he was staring intently at the purple ribbon wrapped around his wrist and looked up to search for the source of his unease. Not a threat, but not someone he was comfortable having around while on this sort of business.

"Oh, oh no, really?" he muttered to himself, standing up and taking another swig from his bottle. A cloaked figure stumbled in from the swirling sands outside, this one clad in brown. When the cloak fell open, he saw shades of blue beneath, but the pink skin and Force signature marked her out. "'Ello, Pinky."

She paused, hood falling away and brilliant blue hair shaking out before turning her piercing gaze upon him. The Zeltron let out a tired sigh.

"Kordath. Of course, Arcona would have to send someone; I just didn't expect they’d send you. It's been some time since Kashyyyk. How's the lady friend?"

"Engaged. Ta me, I mean. I, uhh, am guessin' you and I is both here fer tha bomber lady?"

Her nod was short and to the point, as her eyes tracked back to monitor the weather. "I'll be apprehending Sparks so that Odan-Urr can interrogate her. I'm certain the intel will be shared with Arcona; our Consuls seem very...close."

"Hurrah fer alliances," shouted the Ryn, waving his bottle in the air before taking another drink. He wiped his lips with the arm of his coat and gave her a wary look. "But, uh, 'fraid me and you is gonna have some problems, luv. See, I'm pretty sure this Sparky lass dropped a turbolift on Atyiru. Me friend she was, yeah?"

Aura turned back to look at him, eyebrows rising in surprise. “So you, what, intend to punish her? Kill the woman who hurt your friend?” She shook her head when he wouldn’t respond or even meet her gaze. "This isn't like you, Bleu, going on the hunt to kill a woman. She's more valuable to me, to our Clans, alive. Don't you think?"

She approached him, her pace slow and measured as if he were a wounded animal. Kordath felt a spark run down his spine, his body growing warmer.

Wait, is she...no, bloody 'ell no!

"We've had enough senseless killing, Kordath. Let me take her alive. Help me take her alive, please? We parted amicably last we met, surely we can be allies. Perhaps even," she paused, reaching out and toying with a button on his coat, "friends?"

He knew what she was doing, even without the big, expressive eyes and the way her lower lip pushed out a bit. Manipulating him into helping. Using her people's ability to assist in weakening his defenses. He pulled away, turning his back and taking a deep breath, allowing the Force to flow through him and burn off the chemicals he’d absorbed that were influencing him as best he could. Bleu's head cleared somewhat, and he turned to face her anew.

"I can nae do it, luv. I'll help ya get ta her, but I'm stickin' me bleedin' knife inta her. As many times as it takes. I would rather not fight ya, o' course, luv. We should nae be enemies."

Aura didn't reply, merely shaking her head. They both looked outside as the wind died down, and Kordath began to move into the open. Behind him, he felt a welling of Force energy. His knees locked up. Muscles throughout the Ryn's body seemed to misfire, spasming madly as he collapsed to the sandy ground just outside of their shelter. The Odanite walked past him, brushing a hand over the tip of his tail, which had stuck itself upright, twitching.

"I'm sorry, Bleu, but this is my mission. I'll not allow another death on my conscience as easily as you would."

From the corner of his open eye, he saw her walk past.

Blast it. I do nae want ta war with ye, lass.

Darth Renatus, 3 November, 2017 8:42 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I loved the play into both Aura's habitual use of pheromones and her Aspects relating to giving people the benefit of the doubt, and killing as a last resort. It shows attention to the subject matter and a deft hand at naturally applying it to the narrative. Overall, the emotions conveyed are very strong in this while painting a clear picture. Would have liked a bit less build up and a bit more conflict, but the tension is held nicely.


Areas For Improvement

looked up to search for the source of his unease. Not a threat, but not someone he was comfortable having around while on this sort of business.

The transition above is a bit awkward from a narrative point of view. It skips from searching to declaring "Not a threat, but not someone [...]". It reads as if there is an entire sentence missing. Namely, a reference to spotting or sensing the threat. Something between searching and quantifying. This is actually prevalent in more subtle ways later on, like "She paused, hood falling away [...]". Just reads as if "her hood" is missing from it. It's a weird cadence thing, and less of an issue than the above where the focal point seems missing altogether.

Behind him, he felt a welling of Force energy. His knees locked up. Muscles throughout the Ryn's body seemed to misfire, spasming madly as he collapsed to the sandy ground just outside of their shelter. The Odanite walked past him, brushing a hand over the tip of his tail, which had stuck itself upright, twitching.

This reads to me like he just got shocked. Especially the spasming and twitching. However, to the best of my deductions, I can only lay this on the "Stun" feat for Aura's sheet. Based on its description, it locks up the muscles of a target and freezes them in place. The misfiring seems to go above and beyond this. It's a marvelously humorous image painted on the page, but gives off the appearance of a shock, as I said, rather than the intended lock in place. Flags it as a minor Realism fault.

Kordath thought of his late friend as he fought against his stubborn muscles, urging them to move. At first, he felt nothing, but gradually sensation returned to his hands as they balled into fists. A wave of relief washed over him as he felt his other muscles start to respond again, anticipation mounting like the tension in a coiled spring. Like a cascading waterfall, the rest of his body unlocked in quick succession and the Ryn haphazardly pushed himself back up to his feet, trying not to think of Pinky’s head start as he ran after her.

He knew from their last encounter on Kashyyyk that she could track down their target and was content to merely follow for now. But he would need a distraction if he was going to catch up.

“Skitters, a pink lass with blue hair is runnin’ away from us. Slow ‘er down fer me,” he spoke into his comlink.

Truthfully, Bleu didn’t know if his droid would come back in one piece. A single tear welled up in his eye, not unlike those that had trickled down his lover’s face, but desperate times called for desperate measures.


Skitters skittered across the ground as fast as he could, his photoreceptors already tracking the blue-haired target. Thankfully he had been scouting ahead already or his intercept path would be impossible. As he closed the distance between them, he registered her gaze and purposefully passed in front of her, pretending to be just another droid until the Zeltron glanced away. Her back to him, Skitters ran behind her and thrust his electro-shock prods towards her lower legs. Aura jumped to her right, narrowly dodging them, but the droid was ready and struck out with one of his pincers, squeezing her left calf muscle with it till she fell face first into the sand.

Taking the advantage, Skitters climbed on top of her back, pinching her posterior and simultaneously taking a picture.

“Karking droid!” Aura swore in frustration.

His world went dark as she rolled over onto her back and ignited her saber with a snap-hiss.

“Get outta thare! I’m right behind ya!” yelled Bleu.

Skitters let go and skittered off to his right as the Zeltron got back up to her feet, but not before a light blue blade lopped off two of his legs. One side of his chassis dragged in the sand as he used his remaining legs to escape, the hum of a second swing already cutting through the air.

“Stop! It’s me ye want! He’s just a wee little droid,” yelled Kordath. She swung anyways. “No!”

Bleu rushed forward and knocked away her incoming strike with his dagger, holding his weapon in a reverse grip against his forearm for leverage. He stared her down, the pair slowly lowering their weapons back to a ready position.

“I do nae want ta war with ye, lass. Just go ‘ome,” pleaded the Ryn.

“I need her alive, Kordath. Your revenge is blinding you from who you are—a good person. Let’s take her together and she can face proper justice, perhaps even be put to good use. Killing her won’t help,” urged Aura.

“I disagree. Get out of me way!” yelled Kordath angrily as he swung his dagger threateningly. The Zeltron stepped back, a sad expression on her face.

“Please, don’t do this. I’ve made this mistake already. It’s not worth it.”

Despite his thirst for vengeance, he couldn’t help but wonder why. What’s so bad ‘bout it?

“Sorry, luv, but bickerin’ is best done while drinkin’,” he replied as he mimed taking a shot with his hand.

The Ryn closed his eyes before the second hand gesture finished, making a mental note of his escape route before a flash of blinding white light swept over them. He sprinted away from her, giving it a few seconds before he opened his eyes again. Kordath spared a quick glance behind him and saw the Zeltron knelt down in the sand, her unlit saber on the ground and hands on her eyes as she cried out in pain.

He felt bad, but she forced him to do it. Bleu put away his weapon, picked up Skitters, and then started putting distance between himself and Aura, following the subtle clues left in the Force that flashed across his consciousness. He smiled grimly as he processed its details, ignoring his droid’s lamentations. He was on the right track. He followed a winding path, eventually stopping to investigate a chunk of cobbled together debris that piqued his interest.

Tha looks like, like a suicide tug!

He dropped skitters and seethed, his body shaking with a quiet rage born from love. He wasn’t aware of how long he stood there, but eventually the Zeltron caught up to him, pausing a few meters away. He hadn’t even bothered to hide his Force presence.

“Kordath, please listen to me. I know you are angry and hurt. She deserves to be punished but first I need her ali—”

“Tha’ is a suicide tug! She killed Atyiru!” he yelled, turning to face her again. For once, she simply pleaded, no epithets or lessons.

“I know, but she has a bomb somewhere in an Odan-Urr military camp. We can’t locate it. Innocents will die if we can’t get her to tell us where it is. We have to—”

“She will nae help you. Killin’ ‘er might save others,” rationalized Kordath, his conscious starting to eat away at his resolve.

“What would Atyiru want?” asked the Zeltron desperately.

“Tha dead can nae speak,” he replied, grief reigniting his thirst for vengeance.

Suddenly, the Force screamed at him to move. He drew the Force into his legs and ran away from the structure as fast as he could. From the corner of his eye, he could see Aura running for her life as well.

BOOM

A wall of energy slammed into him, throwing him forward as sand pelted him from behind.

Darth Renatus, 31 October, 2017 11:11 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Skitters skittered across the ground as fast as he could

Nice...that's really all I can say after reading this.

Beyond that, the writing here works hard to strike a balance between dialogue, action, and pushing the story ahead. I feel, as a reader, that this was mostly accomplished, but the limitations of the word cap seemed to inhibit the ability to stick the landing. It was a strength, however, and something to focus on. Perhaps a touch less dialogue with more action would really make it soar.


Areas For Improvement

A wave of relief washed over him as he felt his other muscles start to respond again, anticipation mounting like the tension in a coiled spring. Like a cascading waterfall, the rest of his body unlocked in quick succession and the Ryn haphazardly pushed himself back up to his feet

Two similar pictures are painted in the above section and creates a bit of repetition. Breaking down the sentences into their basic parts, they begin with a liquid/water reference, then the other muscles start to work. This happens in both, creating a sort of loop track. Either of these sentences would have been great on their own, but in tandem result in that repetition. Cutting out the first, since the second is more powerful, would benefit the overall flow.

The Ryn closed his eyes before the second hand gesture finished, making a mental note of his escape route before a flash of blinding white light swept over them.

This feels like a section was cut out. The reference to "the second hand gesture finished" implies that one started, but there aren't any references to it.

then started putting distance between himself and Aura, following the subtle clues left in the Force that flashed across his consciousness.

This is a good attempt at trying to implement Elementary, but strays away from a strong depiction. Its use is to pick up clues, like footsteps in the sand, debris from recent explosions, that kind of thing. Here it's just clues flashing across his consciousness. Clues of what? What is he inspecting that is triggering these flashes? Then it doesn't even say what the details are. Just that there are details. It hurts the story rather than strengthening it.

A wall of energy slammed into him, throwing him forward as sand pelted him from behind.

This caused some confusion and a lot of re-reading. At first I thought Kord was hit by a TK wall, which would be all kinds of Realism issues based on this depiction. However, it just caused some slight story hiccups instead with the context retrieved from around it. Something to keep in mind.

Aura opened her eyes to the blazing sun, wincing as she slowly sat up. Sand fell from her, having tried to bury the Zeltron in her brief period of unconsciousness. Everything ached, and the last clear memory she had was of skipping across the ground; like a rock upon the surface of a pond. Her eyes searched the nearby area, spotting the wayward Ryn's tail sticking out of a mound of sand. There was a groan of pain.

At least he's still alive, she thought with a sigh and pushed herself to her feet. A thick scent of smoke and burnt sand filled the air, and the blast area where they’d been looked odd. Thermal imploder, probably.

The Force warned her to move to the side; sand turned to glass as blaster fire splashed against where she'd been standing. Laughter drew her gaze to the smoking remains of the tug, where she saw the Twi'lek she'd come to apprehend. The woman had one arm raised, a wrist-mounted weapon spitting bolts at the Zeltron.

"Shame this beauty didn't roast you, Jedi, but at least I get to have some fun!"

"Gwendolyn! Surrender yourself to Odan-Urr, and I can guarantee your physical safety!"

The Technocrat let out a wild, mocking laugh. "Sure! Like I'd let one of you robe-wearing schuttas lay your hands on me!"

Aura glanced towards where Bleu was, seeing sand run off him as he tried to stand. He looked unsteady, his eyes unfocused.

Good. Gwendolyn doesn't look as if she's armed for close quarters. If I can get in, I can end this before Kordath can do something he regrets. And I can get the information about the bomb.

The Odanite made her decision and began running towards Sparks. She sidestepped and watched as a wrist rocket flew past her. The explosion from behind caused her cloak to flutter around her as she continued. Another volley of lasers came streaking towards her, and Aura lifted a hand, focusing. The red blasts cascaded out in a corona of wasted energy before her as the Rollmaster closed in on the mad bomber.

"Stand down, Gwendolyn!" she shouted in warning, annoyed with the woman's antics. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kordath limping along, his eyes searching the ground she was crossing.

What is he— * she began to think, before being brought up short as a dark disc, about a foot in diameter, came up out of the sand. It floated, briefly, before being tossed off to the side, landing upside down and releasing a torrent of fire. *Good catch, Bleu, I'd have never spotted that while dealing with her.

She gave a brief, grateful nod to her sometimes Arconan ally, and turned to glare at the Twi'lek ahead of her. The Technocrat looked annoyed; Aura definitely was as she began to gather the Force in preparation for a final rush. Her blue eyes widened when Gwendolyn unslung an odd looking weapon from her back, too large to be a slugthrower but not like any blaster she'd ever seen.

"Oh, sithspit," she heard Bleu snarl, "'Nades!"

The Zeltron slowed her pace but didn't stop as Sparks leveled the launcher, a twisted smirk on the woman's face.

"Special delivery!"

The grenade launcher fired with a dull thump, the projectile hurtling out towards the Odanite. Aura was ready, redirecting the energy she'd gathered to reach out and snatch the grenade out of the air. It hung for a moment, before she batted it back down towards the Technocrat agent.

The explosion knocked the Twi'lek from her feet, and Aura rushed ahead, saber at the ready. She kicked the launcher away and pointed the tip of her blade to demand a surrender. Aura threw a glance Kordath's way, seeing the man shift and reach for the blade strapped to his thigh. When she looked back down, her eyes widened in alarm.

"This is gonna be beautiful way to go!" laughed Sparks, holding up a thermal detonator.

Aura felt the Ryn slam into her side with unnatural power, and the world turned white as the detonator exploded.


"Aura! AURA!?"

Kordath slapped the Zeltron, trying to wake her. Blue eyes blinked up at him after a few tense moments, drawing a sigh of relief from the Ryn.

"Ow."

"Yeah, no kiddin'. Uh, do nae move, okay, lass? Now, help me out here, eh? I need ya— I need ya ta be calm and stuff, yeah? Slow breaths, like, uh, like yer meditatin', okay? Ya know how ta do tha whole trance thing, right?"

"What? Why? Where's Sparks?" asked the Zeltron, her voice distant and her eyes confused.

Bleu licked his lips nervously and glanced back at the crater that had been the woman he'd come to kill. He couldn't help but see the damage to the Odanite when he looked that way. His cloak was wrapped around the stumps of her legs. He'd managed to get her mostly out of the blast range. Mostly.

"Sorry, luv, she blew herself ta bits. I found her wee' probe droid though, might have something about that bomb in yer camp on it."

"Oh. Good," she mumbled. To Bleu she looked pale, her skin turning an unhealthy pallor. "I'm glad you didn't kill her, Kord."

"Yeah," he whispered, looking down at her in concern. "Thank ye, fer worryin' about me. You was probably right. Terrible idea. Now, focus, luv, can ya do tha trance? Kinda important?"

"Why?"

"Not tha time fer questions, Aura! Please!"

"Mmm, never was too good at it. I feel...cold..."

"No, no, no!" he muttered, checking to see how tightly he'd wrapped the makeshift bandages. He was missing Atyiru again; fieldcraft and medicine were never his forte. He'd tried to staunch the bleeding, hoping she knew how to put herself in a trance until he could find help. When he turned back, her eyes were looking blankly at the sky.

He could sense nothing from her.

"Kark me, no, no! Aura? Aura!?"

Darth Renatus, 31 October, 2017 11:41 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Honestly, the ending was probably what I liked most. Action without consequence is never a good thing, and that's what this had in spades. Not a fun way for anyone to go, and it could have been fun to play it as up in the air if she managed to enter a trance or not...however, I think it works quite well with the way it ended. Good job.


Areas For Improvement

Aura lifted a hand, focusing. The red blasts cascaded out in a corona of wasted energy before her as the Rollmaster closed in on the mad bomber.

It's easy to forget, but Barrier (the base power of the Energy Dispersion Feat) requires the user to be stationary. This clearly describes forward movement.

What is he— * she began to think, before being brought up short as a dark disc, about a foot in diameter, came up out of the sand. It floated, briefly, before being tossed off to the side, landing upside down and releasing a torrent of fire. *Good catch, Bleu, I'd have never spotted that while dealing with her.

Not sure if it just got missed in the preview, but the above section didn't close off the Markdown properly. A little more attention to detail could have staved this off.

As the action kicked off in this post, the writing became a series of pauses and commas, leading to some interesting grammar slip-ups. Here's an example: grateful nod to her sometimes Arconan ally. Most likely this was meant to convey that Kord was sometimes an ally, but the flow here suggests he is sometimes Arconan.

Kordath yelped as he fell forward into the base of a dune, his face and chest partially buried under the cascading sand. The Ryn quickly pulled himself out and scanned his surroundings, looking for the tell-tale sign of a Twi’lek. All he saw was Aura several meters off to his right, who was already back on her feet. Thankfully, Sparks didn’t keep them waiting.

“Jedi, I want to play a game. You’ve played roulette with other people's lives. Today, you play with your own. Let’s see how you handle my beautiful creations,” she said over what sounded like several repurposed shipboard sound systems, her voice echoing from all directions.

Bleu looked around at the wreckage strewn haphazardly around him, particularly the pieces partially buried under the hot sand, and gulped.

“Pinky, I think it is ‘bout time we work together. We can tussle later, ya?” asked the Ryn.

“Have you come to your senses and realized she is more useful to us alive?” inquired Aura.

Kordath remained silent, mulling over his options. “Maybe ya can save ‘em before I stick me knife inta ‘er. How ‘bout that?”

“You don’t know the price of vengeance. I do. I won’t let you kill her,” replied the Odanite stubbornly.

“I do nae want to hurt ya, but you won’t stop me.”

The Ryn put on his knucklers and sunk into a fighting stance, his body weight constantly shifting as he swayed. His held his arms loosely in the air, one of them resting near his head. Aura ignited her saber and held it high above her head as she turned her body to half-face him, the tip of her blade pointed ominously towards him.

The Odanite rushed forward with a diagonal strike aimed at his left torso, going for a grazing hit rather than a kill. Kordath spun to his right as he circled around her first strike. He had barely landed before she stepped towards him and unleashed a swift jab towards his right leg. He yelped as he leaped away from it, backing off to a safer distance. Aura was ready with an aggressive upward sweep the moment he touched the ground, letting the Force guide her actions as she relentlessly searched for an opening. The Ryn acrobatically rolled to his right, using his hands to propel him to safety.

The Zeltron kept up the assault with a jab, precisely aiming for an opening on his left side. Kordath flipped sideways to his right and seamlessly transitioned into a spinning kick aimed at her lower legs. Aura jumped away at the last moment but the Ryn’s boots knocked painfully into her shins, throwing off her jump. She fell roughly to the ground. Bleu was already running towards her, falling into his familiar dance as he got closer and closer. The Zeltron quickly got back up and responded with a rare defensive slash, watching his movements closely. He feinted with a punch towards her abdomen and then backed off, but Aura didn’t bite.

Explosions behind them made both of them jump. It seemed to form a chain reaction towards them, little orange-red mushroom-shaped balls of energy whipping the sand around them in a frenzy of dancing swirls. Kordath and Aura ran for their lives, their dispute temporarily forgotten.

Sparks broke out into a mad laugh, her voice almost drowning out the explosions chasing them in the first place. Thankfully, a spire came into view, which had a relatively clear path. They followed it, charges constantly detonating harmlessly off to either side. Bleu looked suspiciously around him and then grimaced.

Penned in eh? Let’s give Sparky tha slip.

“Better move it, Pinky, there’s a trap at tha end,” he yelled before pulling the Force into his legs and sprinting as fast as he could.

Once he was safely ahead of the explosions, he jumped off high to his left and hoped he was far enough away from another charge. He landed on top of a nearby dune and looked warily around him, but nothing happened. Moreover, the ring of debris surrounding the spire was safely away from him. A few seconds later, Aura landed a few meters away from him at the dune’s base. She turned to face him again but was interrupted.

“Don’t want to play anymore? I promise it’s a blast,” teased Sparks.

Neither responded.

“Fine then, die Jedi!” yelled the Twi’lek.

Charges from the ring itself exploded, pieces of hot metal spewing out with the massive wave of sand blown outward. Bleu backed up a few meters for reassurance, closely followed by the Odanite. Both Force-users looked north, the Force finally indicating that Sparks might be close. Kord took off first.

Aura ran after him, using the Force to grip onto his back leg and pull. As the Ryn fell flat on his face, she released her grip and raced after him, igniting her lightsaber on the way. As Kordath got back to his hands and knees, she jumped into the air and swung at his kneeling figure as she landed. The Ryn kicked his feet up and thrust them upward into the Zeltron’s solar-plexus, her saber grazing the top of his hair.

Aura dropped her saber, grabbing her stomach in pain as she labored to breathe. Bleu rolled out from under her and immediately followed with a spinning heel kick to her head. She groaned and fell onto her back, wishing the world would stop moving. Kordath rolled her onto her side, put her stuncuffs on her wrists, and left to find Sparks. Finally, her breathing came back to her.

“No! You idiot! We have to save them. You kriffing son of a bantha!” she yelled.

As if on cue, her comlink went off.

Dancer, Bravo is lost. No survivors. Return to base.

Aura went silent, seething as she said, “Have fun living with the deaths of hundreds of innocents. I’ll make sure to send you the casualty list along with the cries of their children!”

Darth Renatus, 1 November, 2017 12:02 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I want to play a game

How ya doin', Jigsaw?

Again, the depictions of combat are your strong suit. It's good to play on this and how it interplays with the fictional plot at large. The combat is the story, after all. In this post in particular, it seems like a toss up back and forth between the story and the fighting, especially with their decision to punch it out when they're obviously inside Spark's trap, but that's just a growing pain in getting used to that fictional interplay of actions.


Areas For Improvement

The fight in in this post comes across as forced, which is something to try and avoid. Still, the quality of the writing overcame this shortcoming.

Some slight grammar issues slipped into this post. Probably felt a bit rushed to meet the timer and it got missed on the proofing passes.

The ending is the only other point of contention, really. It is rather clipped and sudden. It lacks the emotional weight it deserves, and it is entirely possible that the word cap limitation was an inhibitor on this. At such times, it becomes a practice in trimming the fat. The author needs to identify what is critical to the story and what can be dropped. The impact of this ending is what I would consider critical. It just kind of cuts off, as well.