Luprora
Edge of the Planet’s Atmosphere
“Who in their right mind would come here…?”
The words had been quick to leave the Nautolan’s mouth following a whistle. When the planet had first appeared as a bright blue orb in the TIE Defender’s viewport, it had looked inviting - especially since the deep blue of the planet’s oceans called to a longing in the Nautolan that he would never shake. Yet, as the fighter approached the planet, the planet’s hostile nature began to show on the craft’s sensors. Meant as pungent at first, the remark seemed inconsideration as the alien skimmed over the nav computer’s summary showcasing that all that was known on this world; was suffering.
Adjusting a dial on the scanner, Raiju Kang focused the craft’s scans on the pocketed islands and mountain ranges in the vicinity of the planet’s only known settlement. It didn’t take the craft long to search through the few tractable pieces of land, and sure enough, he had a hit - which was interrupted by the buzzing call of the craft’s comlink.
“For forcesake…What does he want now?” The Nautolan muttered to himself, switching his ship’s comlink to an encrypted setting before accepting the hail.
“Imperator, are you receiving?” The familiar, husky voice of the clan’s Proconsul crackled out of the comlink.
“Can confirm, go ahead Braecen.”
“I wanted to remind you of the importance of taking the target alive.” The Proconsul seemed to dwell on the last word. However, before the Nautolan could respond, the man quickly continued. “She could be a great asset to both of us, but I will be the one determining that. When you’ve made contact and have control on the situation, send us your location.”
A pop sounded from the comlink as the connection was hastily ended, and Raiju gave the terminal a side glare.
“Micro-managing, moof-milker.”
Every step had the potential to be hazardous.
With the waves crashing on the rocks below, climbing towards the mid-day sun overhead, Raiju was careful as he made his way down the obsidian stone. Having been able to find, what seemed like, the only flat and stable terrain to land his fighter; the Nautolan had began making his way along the passageways and staircases that lead down from mountain top to the perils below. Every so often, when he felt confident in the terrain under his foot, the Nautolan would activate the scan pulse on his wrist to see if the target was within his vicinity. While nothing continued to show up on land, for awhile now some large creature had moved along the shoreline with the Nautolan as he carefully navigated the cliffs - no doubt, some aquatic predator waiting for an easy snack if the Nautolan fell.
Moving as best he could towards the inner island when given the chance to by the passageways, Raiju noticed abandoned eroding equipment had began to line his path.
Stopping at one point to examine a peculiar device, that strangely looked like an old astromech droid, the Nautolan fiddled with the machine. He had no idea what the thing was and just happened upon a small hatch that’s hinge was partly seized - allowing him to just barely see something that looked like a fuse box inside. Shrugging in dismissal, he had attempted to close the hatch but it seemed to be stuck in place now. Kicking the machine in frustration, the Nautolan’s toe protested in pain and caused a curse leap from Raiju’s lips. No sooner then when he had regained composure, did an eerie feeling fall over the open top passageway and the Nautolan realize it had been some time since he checked his pulse scan.
Something told the Nautolan he didn’t have time to check the device now, following the instinct he leapt forward on the path, hopped again, and then dove towards the ground. Behind the Nautolan, it sounded like something heavy slapped the stone ground before something else clanged into the stone, and then it happened again. At this point, the Nautolan had tucked himself forward so that he landed on the nap of his neck and rolled his weight onto his shoulder blades; rolling himself across the ground and away from the threat behind him. The momentum carried him forward as he twisted on the ground from his back to his side and then to his front, resting on his stomach and looking back from which he had came.
Standing in the passageway, just a few feet away from the machine the Nautolan had been playing with, two large bipedal creatures howled at the Nautolan. One was dark red in skin tone, while his counterpart was lighter; yet both had the same gruesome features. Almost reptilian in nature, the pair had a mouth full of pointed teeth and a long tongue that flickered between the rows. Sharp scales protruded from the back of their skulls, while their faces were smooth and highlighted dark eyes. While the pink one carried a spear, the red one had a makeshift two-handed axe; and yet both had a pair of long tentacles that wrapped around their shoulders from their spines and flailed in the air as the creatures hissed and howled.
Clambering to his feet, Raiju’s hands darted to his belt. Producing a sith sword in his left hand, held in a reverse grip that ran it protectively down his forearm, while his right hand clutched his lightsaber; the passageway was illuminated with the dark orange tone of the lightsaber’s blade. Holding his ground, Raiju planted his left side towards the creatures and held his sith sword protectively in front of him while his lightsaber hung loosely behind him.
The creatures didn’t seem hesitant at the sight of a lightsaber, perhaps not even knowing what it was, and were quick to advance on the Sith. The creature with the spear was the first to reach the Nautolan and he wasted no time thrusting his spear tip at Raiju’s head. The weapon glance high in the air as Raiju’s sith sword lifted it up, stabled by the forearm it rested upon, and there the Nautolan held the spear as he wanted to bring his lightsaber round to cleave the weapon in half.
Yet, another blade was quick to beat the Nautolan’s to it.
From the top of the passageway wall, a crimson blade soared into the battle and clipped the creature’s spear. Another clang echoed through the passageway as the top half of the spear rolled down Raiju’s blade and landed at the feet of a long-eared woman - who held a crimson lightsaber pike. Counting the new combatant as an ally, Raiju adjusted the swipe of his lightsaber to plunge deep into the chest of the pink creature. Yet, a sharp pain gabbed into his side from the blunt end of the woman’s lightsaber pike - knocking the wind from the Nautolan and forcing him to take a knee in recoil.
“Don’t kill, more come!” Were the only words of explanation the woman offered, which fed the fury in the Nautolan.
As the woman advanced upon the creatures in an effort to pacify them, or so that’s how Raiju understood it, the Nautolan regained his composure and watched as the Sephi woman cleaved the remaining hilt of the spear in half again. This time, with her body extended and the point of her lightsaber extended protectively between her and the pink creature, Raiju focused on a point in front of his palm which he shoved forward towards the woman’s back. The momentum of the attack wasn’t enough to topple the woman, for that hadn’t been the purpose, but it had been enough to stumble the woman forward and plunge her crimson blade into the creature’s body cavity.
A squeal of pain died as the pink creature sunk from the woman’s blade to the ground, slapping the stone heavily. After which, a blood-curdling howl erupted from the red-skinned creature as it took in the sight of his counterpart. When the woman recovered her feet, she was quick to shot the Nautolan a look of disbelief as a smile quickly crossed Raiju’s face.
Positive Takeaways
The level of description here is quite impressive. The post does a great job of establishing the setting and driving home how treacherous Luprora is.
Can be Improved
Numerous spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and formatting errors that really detracted from the post. In particular there were persistent problems with comma splices and run-on sentences. It's important to have every post proofread before posting.
There was a significant lack of conflict between Vestril and Raiju in this post. Keep in mind that the ACC is intended to be a battle between the two opponents, and the focus of the writing should be surrounding that conflict.
When Raiju first draws his lightsaber, the following is written,
However, on Raiju's character sheet his lightsaber is listed as having a bright blue blade. It's important to ensure you use your weapons they way they are listed and described on the character sheet, and this is an error which will count towards realism.