Runner Iios Singuard vs. Hunter Lo-Kain Vamielaga

Runner Iios Singuard

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Mercenary, Hunter
vs.

Hunter Lo-Kain Vamielaga

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

First, let me thank you for completing this match, always a treat to watch people learning and developing their characters.

Second, let me stress, proofreading. Both of you suffered from syntax due to errors in spelling, punctuation, and tense changes. Also, generally speaking, past tense or a ‘narrative’ tense is used, which is what Iios used, making his posts easier to keep track of. Lastly on this, if you ever read something and aren’t certain it ‘flows’, speak it out loud, sound it out, see what seems ‘off’ for you.

Realism wise you both got hurt. Armor is still currently non-functional in the ACC, that system is still being worked on, thus the armor-weave coat does nothing to stop blasters. Also, on weapons, if it doesn’t specify in the item’s description somewhere, they are not saber resistant.

Be careful of bringing in outside influences (repeated mentions of shuttles that neither of you have on loadouts, I didn’t really count this on the score but it also didn’t help) and the sudden appearance of a third party. If combat hadn’t already been resolved this would have been a major story detractor for Iios.

Both of you have raw talent for action scenes and could go far, just get yourselves proofed and make sure what you’re doing is inside the realm of realism for the system (crystals, for example).

With a score of 3.4, Iios is the winner, this came down almost entirely to readability, ie. the tenses used. Both of you worked hard on this match, and I look forward to your next encounter.

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Runner Iios Singuard, Hunter Lo-Kain Vamielaga
Winner Runner Iios Singuard
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Runner Iios Singuard's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Lo-Kain Vamielaga's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 26 January, 2018 5:24 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Mandalorian Dral Falgorth Iios Singuard
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple errors throughout your first post concerning spelling and commas, this persisted through your second post. Rationale: Minor errors throughout your first and second posts.
Story - 40%
Mandalorian Dral Falgorth Iios Singuard
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: You have Iios arriving via shuttle in the first post, what shuttle? Try to avoid writing yourself into corners such as this, Iios has no ship on his loadout. Your use of present tense is also very jarring throughout, you might want to look at narrative/past tense to make your story flow better. In your ending you mention another nonexistent shuttle. Rationale: You had conflict in your first post, but did nothing to move the story along. Your ending had an abrupt shift in Lo-Kain's demeanor that isn't really supported by his sheet nor by the actions in the match.
Realism - 25%
Mandalorian Dral Falgorth Iios Singuard
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Armor still currently does nothing in the system, the armorweave cloak would have done nothing to stop Lo-Kain from being shot in your first post. On your second post, saber clashing with vibrosword, vibroswords are not saber resistant, there'd be no clash, just destroying the sword. Rationale: Major detractor for your first post. Khyber crystals do not reflect blaster bolts, they focus energy or take it in and grow unstable. This was discussed among the judging staff, no evidence of deflection qualities could be found on wookieepedia, while them growing unstable was clearly demonstrated on Rebels.
Continuity - 20%
Mandalorian Dral Falgorth Iios Singuard
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: No issues found.
Mandalorian Dral Falgorth's Score: 3.0 Iios Singuard's Score: 3.4
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On a planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws: cracks formed through thousands of years of glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for decades, this place was once a common destination for Jedi Padawans seeking to build their first lightsabers. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

The shuttle drops Iios off at the entrance to the ravine, just close enough for the freezing weather to give him a shiver as he rushed towards the path to the crystal caves. As he makes his way through the ravine he is slightly phased by the corpses; as he has created some in his line of duty. Stepping through to the antechamber he catches a glimpse of the horned being. Patiently waiting on the mid section of the spiraled pathway, the hulking horned Zabrak from the Plagueis Clan stands on the edge of the ledge looking down at the meditation stones. As the winds howl from the planets surface, Lo-Kain calmly turns his head to acknowledge the Chiss approaching.

"You've got guts to actually come all this way to meet me, that or you’re just dumb." The brute then turns to face the soon to be apprentice of Areticus. "You know that becoming a Sith will mean you are to fight with us one day?" Lo-Kain remarks

"You underestimate my capabilities even to this day, Lo-Kain. I know the requirements of becoming a Sith, alongside the fact that you can't stand that I might surpass you on—"

"YOU DO NOT ASSUME MY INTENTIONS!" Lo-Kain roars in response as Iios reaches for his Armory DL-44 blaster pistol in fear. "I did not call you here to simply rid of a nuisance, I summoned you to ensure you are worthy of such a role. If I wanted to destroy you, I would have done it on Dagobah, when you misjudged your equipment's capabilities." Lo-Kain states as he begins to walk toward the base of the chamber, continuing on with his talks. "You have resolve to come this far however, most would have turn and ran at the thought of even confronting me. For that you have my respect." The blue skinned Chiss Iios follows Lo-Kain with his blaster out and pointed towards him. The hulking Zabrak continues down the pathway to the base of the chamber where he stops and faces Iios just on the other side of a meditation stone.

"This is where we test your potential," he says as he reveals his lightsaber hilt from beneath his cloak and ignites it, the red hue of the blade reflecting off his ebony skin. Iios takes his shot at Lo-Kain's shoulder for drawing his lightsaber. The blaster bolt lands on Lo-Kain's left shoulder sending him into a backflip while he throws his saber toward Iios. The armorweave cloak dissipated the bolt with the aid of Lo-Kain's flip, but he knew it would still leave a nasty bruise.

Iios thinking quickly tumbles behind the meditation stone, just barely grazing his robes with the blade of the saber. The spinning red lightsaber returns to Lo-Kain's hand after a round trip to the ceiling, striking several stalagmites which fall towards the Karness Muur Runner. Catching a glimpse of the falling columns, Iios rolls back towards the kyber crystal caves to a kneeling position, holstering his pistol and pulling his E-11 Blaster Rifle from his shoulder. Just in time for him to see the Ajunta Pall juggernaut in full sprint towards him.

Iios took aim and fired off a few rounds, but it was in vain as the Juggernaut's speed seemed to be almost inhuman. Like a blur the Zabrak was already on top of him. In Iios's last attempt to inflict a blow, he drops his rifle and pulls out his Vibrodagger from his boot, jumping towards Lo-Kain to stab the dagger into his chest. Lo-Kain, who expected him to continue his fleeing towards the dark caves, was caught off guard and in shock as the blade sinks partially into his ribcage when he raised his blade to strike. Instinctively, the Hunter forces his left hand forward toward Iios sending him flying back with a blast from the Force.

"And here I thought you were some insect, now I see now your just a rodent" Lo-Kain quips, grasping at his side.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2018 3:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Lots of action. You also established a reason for your characters to square off, well done.

Can Be Improved


Proofing, get proofed. Narrative tense/past tense is your friend. The Story portion of your match is partially based off of readability, and present tense does not pair well with this. Describe things as they happened, not as they’re happening, and your reading will flow much better. Also, while armor functionality is in the works, it currently doesn’t do anything to stop attacks, so you caught a ding on realism for the cloak stopping a blaster shot.

Lo-kain entered the crystal cavern where he threw Iios, finding only disturbed dirt where the Chiss landed.

The Zabrak roared, "Coward! You can't hide forever! I will find you and show you my superiority!"

In response, a series of blaster bolts originating from the crystal forest scored the area above Lo-kain, their sounds echoed across the cavern. A moment later another series of bolts fired toward the Zabrak from his left, then his right, each set creating a deafening set of sounds that seemed to originate in all places at once. Lo-kain saw only brief glimpses of Iios firing from each point before a new barrage started. None of them particularly accurate, but they were increasingly annoying to the Zabrak.

"What trickery is this? Did you bring other Chiss with you to our dual? And here I thought that you had at least some honor! No matter. I shall end you all!" Lo-kain started raising loose crystals with the Force and hurling then toward the origin points of the blaster fire. Crystal shards broke upon other crystals, but no sounds beyond that echoed through the cave.

Yet again a series of bolts raced past Lo-kains head. This time, the Zabrak would not leave his counterattack to chance. He rushed forward, lightsaber drawn only to find himself looking at a massive crystal reflecting Iios' image.

"Not many people, just one. These things focus lightsaber energy, and like a lightsaber they reflect blaster bolts" Iios said from above the Sith Juggernaut. Iios lept from his crystal perch over Lo-kains head and fired a single shot at his leg. It was only a grazing shot, but it achieved the desired effect. The enraged Zabrak lept after Iios, who waited for him with a drawn vibrosword.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2018 3:13 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Creative action.

Can Be Improved


Proofing and realism, take your time, get your post checked, expand on the story. Be aware that khyber crystals being special, don’t act like glass. Went into more details in the grading breakdown. Transitions as well, you go from a blaster in hand to a sword, with no explanation or time between these two events.

Using the crystals as footing for his propulsion towards the red eyed Chiss. The grazing shot and stab wound would have crippled a normal man, however thanks to the Biotech implant and his second heart it was nothing more than a scratch to the enormous juggernaut. He closed the gap with ease, just as the Vibroblade clashed with Lo-Kain's saber. He quickly took this chance to grab at Iios's robes with one hand; while still overpowering him with the clashed blades in the other. Lo-Kain rears his head back as he pulls Iios in for the headbutt, meanwhile forcing the clashed blades off to the side to make room for the blow.

Iios staggered from the blow as the horns of the Zabrak sunk deep into his face, he could feel that those would be more scars added to his repertoire. It was at this moment that Lo-Kain threw the dazed Chiss back towards the cave floor.

"Should have thought that through better." Iios says quietly before slowly rising himself from the drag crater he was placed in. When he started his turn to face the Hunter, the sound of the Lightsaber extinguishing echoed through the cave and his mind . A sudden wave of fear came over him as he tried to see in the pitch black cave with only the lights of the crystals that illuminate like fireflies in the night.

The deep voice of Lo-Kain resonates with in the walls of the cave. "Neat trick, sadly wrong trick"

Iios hopelessly looked for the source of the comment, only to catch the small and slow steps of his movement concealed by Lo-Kain's words. Keeping the Vibroblade in his dominant right hand, he unholsters his pistol once more. Taking aim at one of the crystals, Iios fires another bolt. As the red streak of the bolt reflects off the crystal into the darkness, he takes aim at another crystal closer to him. This time the bolt veres off to the side, still no glimpse of the Zabrak.

Lo-Kain’s voice rings in the Chiss’s ear from behind him. “Never turn your back on your opponent.” In a panic the Chiss whips around to see nothing but the entrance to the antechamber as he fires a blaster bolt into the light of the pathway.

Meanwhile, Lo-Kain who had been clinging to the ceiling that Iios had recently been occupying. Repositioned himself to thrust in Iios’ direction. Fueling his strength with the Force as a wave of passion and anger overcame him. In a mere moment of a raged induced roar, Lo-Kain was gone like a bullet from the chamber.

Iios hearing this reacted with a shot from his blaster as he quickly spun around, but the speed of Lo-Kain was too quick, even for the agile Chiss who now has the horns of the behemoth Zabrak lodged in his stomach, barreling him into the antechamber.

Once the smoke clears, Lo-Kain stands from the battered and bruised Iios. The antechamber, still roaring from the winds, now holds a small dust cloud that skims the surface of the base from the commotion.

The Zabrak bloody from the impact, panting from the burst of energy he had just used to empower such a blow; Lo-Kain slowly reached for his horns to ensure they weren’t cracked or broken before looking towards his unconscious opponent.

Taking his lightsaber hilt the Hunter tosses it to the Chiss’ chest; leaving it for him to find when he awakes. Lo-Kain then begins to make his way back towards the shuttle “If you make it back to the clan, then you’ve earned my approval.” The proud Zabrak states before leaving the chamber that Iios lays in.

“Next time we fight, I won’t be so lenient.” Lo-Kain promises himself.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2018 3:37 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Again plenty of action.

Can Be Improved


Using the crystals as footing for his propulsion towards the red eyed Chiss.
Incomplete introduction, try to avoid this sort of thing. How did Lo-Kain get on the ceiling? This isn’t explained in any way.
Vibroswords are not lightsaber resistant, Iios’s sword should have been destroyed the start of that exchange.

To Iios' sides were a meadow of razor-sharp crystals. Lo-kain saw no alternative, but to push through the puny Chiss. Lo-kain willed the Force to gather in front of Iios, then push him with as much power as could be mustered. Iios fell back, and quickly turned his body, his vibrosword held out in front of him with his right hand gripped upon it's hilt and his left hand pushed against the flat of the blade. The vibrosword hit the ground and impacted upon a crystal that could have punctured Iios' hand. Iios quickly dropped his vibosword and turned back toward the Zabrak, having rested in a way so only the smallest crystals poked into Iios back. The Chiss drew his blaster and fired off a single shot as the massive Zabrak started his left-to-right slice, blasting a hole into Lo-kain's left leg, which led to a clumsy attack from the Sith Juggernaut slashing a gash into Iios left arm.

The two fighters collapsed. Lo-kain and Iios looked to each other for a moment and started laughing.

Lo-kain said between laughs, "You best get that arm looked at, looks like an artery was cut."

Iios continued laughing as well, stopping momentarily to breathe, "You might want to get some help too. Between the stab wound from earlier that slowed you down and the hole in your leg, you're not looking too hot."

Lo-kain tilted his head up to look at the wounds and stopped laughing, "I guess you're not a rodent after all. More like a viper."

Iios tilted his head up, "That's uncharacteristically kind of you."

Lo-kain chuckled, "If I'm going to die, it won't be due to a rat."

Iios and Lo-kain began laughing again.

From the shadows of the cave, Areticus walked out, "You're both idiots," He said rolling his eyes, "Luckily I had the foresight to take a medical ship or I would lose both my past and future students."

Areticus waved his hand forward and the medical droids went forward, placing the fighters on litters and bringing them back to the ship.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2018 3:42 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Resolved the conflict, more action.

Can Be Improved


Realism issues once more, one, sabers cauterize, there’d be no bleeding out from that hit. Second, pacing and pronouns. Using the two character’s names that many times in the first paragraph made this incredibly difficult to keep track of what was going on. Use race, discipline, rank, whatever you need to do to change it up but keep it clear who is who and who is doing what.