“Well,” Areticus said as he used his grip on her hand to pull her closer. She tensed, prepared to defend against another blow, but his hand only settled on the small of her back in a more traditional dancing pose. “The underlying problem is that there is two of us, but only one holocron.”
“I do believe I am following your logic so far,” Lucine said dryly as she matched his box step before allowing him to lead her in a graceful promenade chasse. “You dance quite well, darling. But what is your proposal?”
“I propose this. We will review the contents of the holocron together, and then you return it to me. Once I have completed my research, then you may have it back for whatever it is you had planned for it,” the Plagueian replied. As they shifted into a natural turn, he saw her hand drop down to her belt. Her fingers closed around the hilt of a vibrodagger moments before his hand closed around her wrist in a firm grip. “Please, my dear, let’s keep this civil.”
The Arconan reluctantly released the dagger and once again rested her hand on his shoulder. Looking past him, she noticed the old woman and her protective son, watching them in amusement. She knew an opportunity when she saw it. “Well, that does sound like an interesting proposal. I have three arguments against it, as well as a counter offer.”
“Oh?”
“First, while you seem to be quite charming, I have no assurances that you will actually give the holocron to me when you have finished with it,” Lucine said as they moved to music that only the Plagueian could hear.
“You have my word as a gentleman that I would do so,” Areticus replied smoothly.
“Hmm,” Lucine gave him a look that made it clear that she did not believe him. “Second, I do not see why you should be the first to take the holocron. You may have spent time researching and locating it, but I also invested time and effort doing so. Never mind the number of favors I used in order to find it.”
“It’s just that my research hinges upon the secrets that the holocron contains. I would just as soon not delay my findings,” Areticus said with a note of apology in his voice as he took a few steps backward in a flawless back whisk.
Lucine smiled wryly. To Areticus, it seemed that her reaction was in response to his words, though in reality it was because the dance move had placed him that much closer to the old woman’s display. “Well, darling, your point is moot due to my third point. I am afraid I do not have the holocron anymore. I already handed it off to my buyer.”
“Y-you what?!” the Plagueian gasped. He searched her face for any sign that she was lying, but found none. “You sold it?!”
“Of course, darling. My buyer was already planetside, awaiting me at a pre-arranged spot. Why else do you think I would actually stop to examine some bauble at a market? It would have been most unwise to do so if I still had the holocron on me, especially knowing that you were searching for me! But do not forget, I do have a counter offer!”
“What?” the Plagueian asked. He frowned as the Force whispered a warning. His hand slid around to her waist, where her blaster was holstered.
She offered him a pleasant smile, even as she reached out with her senses to feel the icy touch of the Dark Side of the Force. Drawing on its power, she pushed outward with her hands, intending to send him careening into the elderly woman’s stall. But at the last moment Areticus dodged, pulling the blaster from its holster as he did so. He quickly regained his balance before leveling the weapon at her. “If that was your counter offer, I’m not impressed,” he said coolly.
The appearance of a weapon drew the attention of those nearest them. The bubble of space around them widened as the denizens of the slums hastily moved out of the way of any potential blaster fire.
“Well, you cannot blame me for trying,” Lucine said cheerfully.
“My dear, I must admit that I have enjoyed our little dance, but I am afraid this is where we must part ways. If you would be so kind as to return the holocron now, I will be on my way,” Areticus said, trying to be gallant despite the fact that he had a weapon trained on her.
“I already told you, darling, it is long gone,” she said.
“Still, you cannot blame me for being thorough. I will simply have to take your cloak, just to be certain,” the Plagueian replied, his aim never wavering.
“Indeed, I cannot. But yet I do not think you will shoot me,” she said serenely.
“I'm quickly running out of patience. What makes you so certain?” the Plagueian asked in a frustrated tone.
“Well, partly because I know you to be a gentleman,” Lucine purred, “but also because I left the safety on.”
Hastily, Areticus looked down at the blaster in his hand. He fumbled with the unfamiliar weapon but found that the safety was, in fact, off. He looked up to see that she was now on the run, pushing through the crowd as quickly as she could. With a sigh of irritation, he drew upon the Force to augment his own muscles, before taking off after her.
The press of people kept her from moving quickly, so she turned down the first alley she encountered. Her footsteps tapped a rapid staccato as she passed piles of detritus and the slumped forms of the destitute. She could hear the sound of pursuit behind her and knew that the Plagueian was managing to keep up.
At last, she reached a deserted stretch of the alley and skidded to a halt. She whirled, unclipping her lightsaber from her belt before igniting it. In a single smooth motion, she fell into a familiar stance, with the plasma blade held above her head and parallel to the filthy ground while her right hand was stretched in front of her.
Areticus stopped a few feet away and once again raised the blaster. This time, he did not bother to speak, instead squeezing the trigger and sending a bolt of red plasma in her direction. It fell short, searing into the ground in front of her.
The Arconan smiled, her stance never wavering. “Do you even know how to use that?” she asked impishly.
Areticus did not reply. He desperately wished that he still had his lightsaber, but would simply have to make do with the unfamiliar weapon. He focused his attention on aiming before once again pulling the trigger. The blaster bolt arrowed toward the Sith woman’s chest, only to be deflected as she angled the blade downward. The bolt bounced off of the emerald blade and sped back toward the Plagueian, drawing a cry of pain from him as it burned into his knee. He dropped to the ground, clutching his wounded leg as the blaster clattered to the ground next to him.
Lucine gestured toward herself, and the weapon sailed toward her. She caught it, before offering Areticus a sweet smile. “Oh, I do hope there are no hard feelings, darling. It is just business, after all. I am certain that someday, we will look back on this and laugh.” With that, she turned and walked away, the holocron creating a satisfying weight in her pocket as she walked.
Positive Takeaways
Very intriguing way to start a story. The beginning pulled me into the conflict instantly, and the use of an NPC to set off the conflict was very well done. The story flowed and transitioned into the conflict in a very natural way that left me engrossed. The use of force powers was clever, and I felt like you got the characterization spot on for both Areticus and yourself.
Can Be Improved
Minor syntax errors and problems with phrasing. I noticed one or two words that were missing in a sentence and words that were improperly used, as well as a number of small issues with commas and capitalization. Nothing completely took me out of the text, but the most notable error was when Areticus was monologuing.
This should be italicized or bolded in some way to avoid confusing the reader about who is the speaker. Beyond these issues, there were some repetitive verb tenses in the second paragraph (lots of “Had"s) and the initial hand-to-hand combat could have used a bit more depth.
A single continuity issue was also noted in the first few paragraphs. The first paragraph begins by using “refugee sector”, uncapitalized, but in the second paragraph “Refugee Sector” is used, capitalized. It could conceivably work as either, but it needs to be consistent.