Augur Kordath Bleu vs. Reaver Satsi Tameike

Augur Kordath Bleu

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Reaver Satsi Tameike

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
Comment

Hello you two, let me start off by thanking you both for taking part in this match. It was quite the experience judging it, so I’ll get into a rough summary of my thoughts on the writing you both did.

Satsi, on the whole, I thoroughly enjoyed your writing across both posts, descriptions are something you do exceptionally well with. You provided reasoning for both participants bein at the venue and established that they wouldn’t be fighting each other, at least at first. However, the lack of action in your first post drags down the rest of your work, which as I’ve said I was rather impressed with.

Kordath, you started off strong, and for the most part, you matched your opponent when it came to the strength of descriptions and dialogue and had enough action in there that I wasn’t reading an account of a conversation. You played it safe with the plot which keeps this closer than it perhaps should’ve been, but a strong effort nonetheless.

Thanks again for taking part and I declare Kordath Bleu the winner.

Hall Scenario Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Kordath Bleu, Reaver Satsi Tameike
Winner Augur Kordath Bleu
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Kordath Bleu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Reaver Satsi Tameike's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] Endor: Searching the Death Star II Ruins
Last Post 22 May, 2018 9:52 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: By and large, the syntax is solid, though a few errors in each post drag this down from a five. Rationale: Errors in the second post are the main culprit here, though there were a few in the first post leading to a four instead of a five.
Story - 40%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: A lack of engagement in the first post really dragged the score down, the dialogue and descriptions were fantastic, but that’s what the first post was for a significant portion. It should act as the hook of the story and make me want to keep reading. This didn't happen. Rationale: Detailed descriptions help this stand out from the average ACC match, but it was just lacking that something special, having them turn on each other or something of that ilk would’ve provided more of a sense of excitement to push the story to a higher level.
Realism - 25%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: No errors that I could find. Rationale: Couldn’t find any errors.
Continuity - 20%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: Everything was by the book here. Rationale: There was nothing to be spotted.
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir's Score: 4.12 General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.67
Posts

endor

After the Battle of the Second Death Star, the battlestation had split into two main areas; pieces that fell into the orbit of Endor’s moon and crashed on the surface and the remains that are suspended just beyond the gravity well of the planet. After many years of fear and superstition surrounding the sight of the explosion, scavengers, corporations, and even Endor’s native species, the Ewoks, all started to take great interest in the ruins. In the modern day, it is a place of small time skirmishes and firefights where frequent changes in “command” take place over what it perceived by many to be the greatest treasure trove in the galaxy. That remains to be fully seen.

The ruins on the ground include the former spaceport and shield generator structure, now enveloped by the forest’s vines, trees, and home to a new circle of life both friendly and deadly. The Ewok’s have mostly left these areas alone. However, a bit farther beyond the main structures lie old Rebel Alliance and Galactic Empire ships that fell after destruction. Foreign scavengers and Ewoks frequently fight over the land, making the Ewoks distrust outsiders even more. In space, the ruins are still somewhat connected by a struggling chassis. Small compartments of air still exist with working docking ports, while much of the ruins exist in a vacuum. This presents the opportunity that treasures stuck in the vacuum still exist. However, all the remaining systems are still only somewhat functional, meaning air can be leaked at any moment, or small, unexpected explosions may occur at any point in time.

For anyone looking for old tech, credits, weapons, or someone risky enough to hide here, the Death Star Ruins might be a place for you to search. Some older plans of Imperial tech and intelligence might still be intact, which could lead to other treasure troves in other parts of the galaxy.

But beware: many corporations send mercenaries there to try and flush out smaller groups of people. Some even hope to turn it into a tourist destination someday, sending in large, ill-prepared construction crews. The battle for treasure might turn into a battle to get out alive. Frequent trips occur from the surface to the planet by those who have been here once or twice. The trip is short, and very possible for those with the gall to do so.

The Death Star Ruins are a place where many mysteries still exist, as well as many enemies. Any member of the DJB might be found here at any point, whether part of the Inquisitorius looking for info, the Shroud Syndicate looking for a meetup, or the Collective looking to meet in secret or scavenge for the war effort. Whatever your purpose here, know that the battlefields of old are not one to be trifled with.

"Are ya sure yer okay, lass?"

"Not talking about it."

"But—"

"Not talking. About. It. I'm fine. I'm here, I'm fine."

"Ya best be."

"What about you, huh? Done vomiting yet?" Her tone lost a bit of its bite. "I tried to go easy on the landing, keep yah window pointed groundward."

"M'bloody fine meself."

"Sure—"

"Not talking about it, right?"

There was a lot they weren't currently talking about.

A lot.

But what was a little lack of communication when one had so much bigger things to focus on, like a tip tracking some of the Capital Enterprises folks that had gotten away from them on Canto Bight. Supposedly, the bastards had a little business running out of the starship ruins on this jungle dirtball planet, something about salvage or possibly tourism, it wasn't particularly clear. Hard to keep intel clean when it came third-hand off a translation from Ewokese.

Sketchy or not, though, it was worth it to chase after the frakkers that had attacked them multiple times now, each seemingly more personal than the last. And Kordath wasn't exactly shy about the excuse to get literally anywhere other than the throne room on Selen, not when he could just leave Strong there to warm the chair.

Of course, it would all of been a bit easier if the two of them could stand to speak to each other, but—

"Ow! Watch me tail, woman!"

"Sorry, sorry, Shadows. Quit swingin' it around, there's vines all over, s'hard to tell the difference."

"It's me BLOODY TAIL. Pretty damn different."

"It's not like I've got the thing memorized. Not anymore, anyway."

Satsi and Kordath glared sideways at one another and then kept trucking along. She was cutting them a path, using the lightsaber she carried as an overpowered machete, the Ryn acting like a backpack while he clung to her shoulders, legs looped around her abdomen. She'd complained one too many times about losing sight of his short form in the brush and finally just demanded he climb on up amidst much more bickering.

They were just all out of sync. Stumbling into and over each other, faltering halfway through conversations, making aborted motions every time one or the other habitually reached out, not meeting eyes. He'd made it terribly clear he wanted nowhere near her after his and Zujenia's falling out, and after the kark up she'd made of trying to 'help' the situation, it seemed there was nothing good left to say. Like something fundamental between them had cracked and left them floundering; and it wasn't just the lack of more fun physicalities. Something once comfortable and trusting was missing, and in its place…

"OW! What the FRAK, Bleu?!"

"I was nae tryin' ta do it, lass, eesh."

Satsi had leapt over a small gulley, and Kordath had grabbed her hair a little too hard to keep himself steady. She still snarled at him as if it were his fault, and he muttered harshly back, wishing to uncork the full whiskey bottle he carried with him.

"Shadows, I want to be drunk," the Human woman sniped, and the Ryn snorted. At least in some ways, they were still in line.

"You sure yer oka—"

"NO. I'm not. But I ain't got time to fall apart, now do I? So shut up and let me focus on something else." She hacked particularly viciously at a throng of roots and creepers, the water in the plants hissing and exploding into steam the moment the lightsaber cut through them. She swung a couple extra times, carving into the ground, breathing hard. "Okay?"

"Sure, okay, yeah, lass, whatever ya say," babbled her furry rider, trying to make soothing motions she couldn't see.

While the journey in had been rough for him, as space always was, things had taken a turn soon as they'd landed. While they hadn't seemed to be heading the same exact direction, the pair of Arconans had spotted a group of Black Sun mercs settling up a camp in one of the jungle clearings, and Satsi had stopped breathing the moment her eyes landed on that insignia. Kordath still tasted bile, thinking about the haunted, utterly raw look on her face as he'd steered them away.

"We're still going the right way, yeah?" Tameike asked, and Bleu squinted about.

"Prob...ably? Skitters IS in that direction. We's pretty close, actually."

"Great," huffed the woman. "Finally. Frakking outdoors bantha druk…"

They were silent again for a long few minutes of the sweltering hot, impossibly humid air beating down around them and the buzz of insects and foreign plantlife. Other shapes resolved out of the multitude of trees, large, looming husks of durasteel, panels from a massive superweapon long since destroyed. Other corpses accompanied them; starfighters and walkers, various bits of machinery, all overgrown and slowly being consumed by the vegetation. It was like staring at bodies being eaten out by mealworms, and gave the same vaguely reverent, vaguely sick shiver down their spines as would any graveyard.

But then the sounds changed too, and it wasn't just the environment around them anymore. Stray bits of chanting rose to join their noisy clamber through the brush, growing louder and louder as the Arconans grew tenser and tenser. Finally, Satsi stumbled abruptly onto metal instead of damp earth, the clang of her steps silencing the chant as a multitude of small, furry faces nearly overrun by big, round, black eyes turned to gleam at them.

Atop a small construction of sticks and torn-out ship wiring, Kordath's Skitters bot chattered and beeped, waving its pincers.

Evidently, the droid hadn't found the Collective cell they were looking for.

The little cabal of savages started muttering, pointing at them, at the bloody glow of Satsi's still-humming saber, at the droid. Finally, one of the native Ewoks turned back to them and shrilly yowled something, perhaps a demand, or a warning, by the tone. Satsi whispered to Kord, "What did he say?"

"Why do ya think I know what he's sayin'?" demanded.

"You speak Hutt, that didn't sound so different."

"Dinnae work that way, woman, good gods—"

The Ewoks yelled again, but this time it was distinctly more bloodcurdling, especially when all of them began whooping and shouting and stomping. What looked like spears and slingshots were suddenly lifted into tiny hands.

"Run," Kordath gasped, and Satsi twisted her head to look at him.

"What? Did they say?"

"The bloody Force says and I say, now RUN!" he screeched, pulling a flashbang from his belt and chucking it over her head as the ex-gangster pivoted on her boot and bolted into the woods.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 May, 2018 7:02 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


They were silent again for a long few minutes of the sweltering hot, impossibly humid air beating down around them and the buzz of insects and foreign plantlife. Other shapes resolved out of the multitude of trees, large, looming husks of durasteel, panels from a massive superweapon long since destroyed. Other corpses accompanied them; starfighters and walkers, various bits of machinery, all overgrown and slowly being consumed by the vegetation. It was like staring at bodies being eaten out by mealworms, and gave the same vaguely reverent, vaguely sick shiver down their spines as would any graveyard.

Here the post does an excellent job of allowing the reader to be able to picture the scene because of its descriptions. Try to sprinkle in pieces like this in with conflict and dialogue to create a more well-rounded post.


Can Be Improved

Story


The post suffers from a lack of “conflict.” It doesn't really hook me as the reader and encourage me to keep going. There's no action to it. In the future, look at your posts and maybe have someone else look at the post to try and determine a healthy level of “conflict.”

The concussive blast of the grenade chased them from the scene, and the flash of light dispelled what shadows were found under the forest canopy. Shrill cries of pain and anger from the fuzzy, murderous little beasts could be heard, and not moments later the first arrows and rocks sped past them. Even disoriented, the Ewoks nearly landed several projectiles into the pair of Arconans.

"Frakking droid lead us to a deathtrap!"

"Oi! Do nae be blamin' Skitters fer the wee beasties! He's doin' his best," finished the Ryn with a mumble, craning his neck to look back at their pursuers. His shifting threw off Satsi's balance, causing the duo to stumble sideways.

"Would you be still? I swear Sammie is better at following directions then you—" she was cut off as her foot caught a root, sending the two of them sprawling. Kordath yelped as he was tossed off the woman's back, landing on his own and tumbling through a bush filled with brambles and some kind of red berries. He grunted when his travels came to an end due to discovering a tree with his side and swore to his bruised kidney that he'd get them out of this alive.

Not far off, his companion wasn't faring much better. Six months past they'd have dealt with all of this in short order, had a laugh and a drink, a few inappropriate comments and been on their way. Now, she was pulling herself up from the dirt and leaves with the aid of a sapling, wincing as she tried to put weight on her left foot. Back before....before, she'd never have lost her balance with Kordy on her back. She tightened her hands into fists and glared up towards the wreckage, where Ewoks were forming a short line, standing abreast one another.

What the hell are they— she cursed and cried out as pain shot up her leg when she dove behind a nearby rock, the clatter of arrows striking her cover filling her ears. "Great, firing line by overstuffed bears," she muttered. She looked around in annoyance for her short saber hilt, spotting the worn bone sitting out in the open, mocking her as arrows and rocks landed around her.

A scuffling from the leaves off to her side caused her head to whip around. She didn't even remember drawing the pistol she had pointed at the Ryn's face as it emerged, and it took all her restraint not to at least wing him for the current situation.

"Damn it, Kord," she growled. Her anger was sapped when she saw the red stains that had spread across his body and face. "Oh, kark."

"Yeah yeah, my fault," he grunted, holding his side. "Wait, what?"

"You're bleedin' you idiot, stay in cover till we can do something about it," she sighed, adding it to one more of their list of problems.

Kord began to pat himself down, even as an arrow tipped with the pounded out metal debris for a head thunked into the tree above his head.

"I do nae...are ya sure? Banged up pretty good but I do nae think I'm bleedin' just yet," he muttered, glancing up towards the Ewoks. His eyes narrowed, and he reached out with the Force. "Bugger."

"What?" she asked with a sigh, pulling her other slugthrower from its holster. Her ankle was throbbing now, likely swelling up in its boot. "Whatever it is, I ain't running from it. Don't think I can right now."

"Leg?" asked the Ryn, eyes tracking the surrounding woods rather than looking at his companion. It was amazing what a life or death situation could do, even help force them back into step with one another. At least a bit, there was still a touch of resentment in his tone. "There was maybe a dozen of 'em up there, surroundin' Skitts. Maybe half that many now, shootin' down at us."

"They're flanking? Can ya feel 'em?"

"Aye," nodded Bleu, gesturing without stopping his visual scan. "Some from that way, few from that, hopin' ta pincer us methinks."

The Ryn shook his head, finally glancing over towards his fri—companion. His eyes took in the rising bruises and the cuts and scrapes from their fall, and the way she seemed to favor her leg. He knew her well enough to know that mobility was part of the package, she'd be on her heels right now waiting for the best chance to ambush their would-be attackers. Instead, she had her back against a rock and a leg fully extended.

He pulled his dagger from its hip sheath and look around the immediate area, "My guess is, they're comin' with spears, lass. Should have tha advantage if ya spot 'em first."

"And what about you?" she hissed, heading turning from one approach to the other now that it was obvious the Ryn had other plans.

He didn't answer, instead, he grasped a handful of creeper vines that wound their way up the tree he was cowering behind, pulling and chopping at them.

Something moved in the corner of Satsi's eye, and this time she didn't hesitate to fire. She knew where her Kor—partner, was, after all. Nobody else in this forest was a friendly. The Enforcer pistol rang out with a loud crack, the slug tearing through the brush and producing a shriek of pain from the Ewok it struck. A spear flew out from the bushes, just missing the woman's face by inches. She heard an annoyed sound from the Ryn but had no time to sort that out. She had murder bears to deal with.

Kordath, on the other hand, was about ready to bang his head on a rock and hope the Ewoks ignored his passed out form. Not likely, he knew. Rumor had it the little bastards were carnivores. Twisting the vines around a branch, he was trying, with not great success, to fashion a crutch for his mate..he shook his head. She wasn't his mate anymore, hardly a friend after what they'd..what he'd..

When did it all become so bleedin' complex? A bit o' fun turned inta a world o' trouble. Just couldn't keep it in yer bleedin' trousers, could ya, Bleu? Who's fault is it, eh? She was hot ta trot and you was drunk, okay, no excuses there. Zuji was more than understandin' tha first time, so why tha frak did ya go and do it again? Think there'd nae be consequences?

He berated himself as he wrapped and knotted vines in a semblance of a knot, wondering how the hell he'd never learned how to do this properly. It looked...wrong. A lopsided 'T' shape.

"Gonna have ta do tha trick," he mumbled, wincing as the slugthrowers fired several more times. More screams suggested the skilled markswoman had plugged a few more Ewoks. "Can we run yet, lass?"

"What the frak do you think!?" she snapped at him, before noticing the makeshift crutch he'd tossed at her side. "Oh you've got to be kidding."

"Can you do any better right now? Start headin' back, I gots ta get up there and get Skitters back. Little bastard must have found somethin' else he'd nae have signaled us ta come here."

"Are you crazy? Leave the droid."

"We needs tha intel, luv...err, Satsi. Now get, that's an order, from yer Consul," he said with a sigh. He scuttled into the undergrowth, casting a glance at the Ewoks armed with bows who had watched their fellows get butchered, and wondered if she'd actually listen to him.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 May, 2018 7:03 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


The concussive blast of the grenade chased them from the scene, and the flash of light dispelled what shadows were found under the forest canopy. Shrill cries of pain and anger from the fuzzy, murderous little beasts could be heard, and not moments later the first arrows and rocks sped past them. Even disoriented, the Ewoks nearly landed several projectiles into the pair of Arconans.

Here the post does an excellent job of following on from the previous post without repeating what happened. To capitalise on this, when you’re writing a reaction to things, even if they ’ve taken place in your own posts, be as descriptive as you can, that'll help make up for any weaknesses elsewhere.


Can Be Improved

Story


The post has combat, but it feels like it’s sprinkled in to stop the post from being a back and forth conversation between the two characters. Perhaps reading through posts and trying to strike more of a balance could help improve the post.

She didn't listen.

Satsi hauled herself to standing as soon as she thought it was clear, having heard what might have been the Ewoks chasing after Kord — or it might have been the wind, or an animal, frak. Her shoulders were tight and her fingers twitchy on the trigger as she kept scanning around her, jumping at the slightest sound.

Damned fluffy idiot was going to get himself skinned for supper.

Snarling, the gangster did her best to use the makeshift excuse of a crutch and head in the direction she'd seen the Ryn had gone. But, she had no idea how to track him down in the brush, and no sparky senses to guide her to him. She could only gnaw on her lip and hope for the best, hope she was retracing their steps to the village and not just wandering idiotically, following plants she thought looked more flattened than others.

It was an agonizingly long many minutes, sticky with humidity and choked by the racing of her heart. The Human managed to drag, hop, and crawl her way up a little slope that she thought they might have run down earlier, only to get to the top and come face to face with—

"Gah!" she screeched, unable to go for her gun without falling backwards. She was saved by a hand wrapping around one wrist and a tail around the other.

"What are ya bloody doin'?" demanded the pink-dyed Ryn, helping her up, and Satsi scowled as she righted herself.

"Not leaving family behind. What the frak are you doing? Why are yah covered in that crap?"

The Consul was all smeared with goopy red, like the berries he'd fallen into earlier. Seeing his crimson-painted, whiskered face had nearly given her a heart attack; he looked like some deranged, murderous bird...rat...monkey… thing.

"Found another bush o' 'em, figured, eh, might mask me scent or somethin'."

"Do these furry frakkers even hunt by smell?"

"I dunno, lass, ya wanna go an' ask 'em?" scathed Kordath, and she almost hit him.

"Shut up. Are we close yet?"

"Jus' past them trees," the short man grunted, gesturing. "Ya need ta stay 'ere—"

"Not a chance. And if you try anything sparky with me 'for my own good,' so help me Shadows I will make your life hell."

"Me engagement is over, me kiddo is gone with 'er mum, an' I'm bein' made dinner by teddies. Can't be much worse, lass."

"I'll get out of here and show Zuji that holovid we made."

He paled under his fur.

"Ya wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Fine," growled the Ryn. "But stay quiet."

"Do my best."

They advanced together, Kordath wincing every time Satsi made extra noise limping along. Still, they made it to the edge of the village clearing with perhaps too little incident, hovering there and breathing hard. The Ryn stretched out his senses, but the jungle around them was already so brimming with life that it was difficult to parse all the auras when he was already a bit battered. Still, he was good, and the Force was good to him, and he soon picked out many pint-sized bodies waiting all around them.

Oh, great. A trap.

"Buggers 're here," he murmured to his companion. "I'm gonna distract 'em, yeah, you grab Skitters."

"Are you frakking me? No way—"

But the slippery Ryn was faster than her, and he made good use of it, pushing something into her hands and then scampering forward as silently and swiftly as possible. Satsi looked down at the...hook shot?... he'd given her and then resumed watching him advance, trying not to vibrate out of her own skin from anxiety and the need to do violence.

For a moment, all was still.

Then, a cloud of small arrows made the freaking sky go black.

Satsi cried out, but Kord twisted around and slid under a thatch construction of some kind, throwing his hands up and scowling in concentration. It took a moment for the barrier to flicker into existence, but it was enough, appearing just as the hail of projectiles finished their descent and rained down around him, the sound like whiptwhipthipwhipt.

As soon as the last arrow struck the ground, the Ryn was off again, springing up and sprinting in some strange, serpentine pattern as if his life depended on it. She had to admit, at least, that the distraction was effective; the Ewoks hooted and howled, emerging from their cover to chase after him on small, vicious legs. Around and around the camp they went, nearly cornering the Consul before he used his powers to his advantage and either leapt over their heads or sent them running after an illusion version of himself while he scampered the other way.

It was the single stupidest thing Satsi had ever seen. And it wouldn't work forever.

Mouth pressed into a line, the former Fade thought frantically for something she could do; shooting them would do no good with Kordy in the middle of the fray, and she couldn't very well move so fast as to make decent knife attacks right now, nevermind a lightsaber. Frak, frak, frak.

What would Uji do? she wondered desperately as Kordath made another lap. The Ryn was obviously tiring, while the Ewoks seemed to be enjoying the sport. Something smart, probably. Kord would be tricksy. Smart and tricksy...

Her gaze fell to the metal haul underfoot, and a thought occurred.

Satsi was moving before she'd even fully thought out a plan, impatience and a burning need to protect her friend driving her muscles, adrenaline flooding synapses and washing away pain. She burst into the village, crutch discarded, and aimed high with the grappling hook. Its head was heavy, but the thing shot true when she spun it and tossed as hard as she could, looping around a thick bough above them. A firm tug ensured its grounding, and then she was hauling herself into the air, arm over arm.

Sweat poured down her brown, and she panted, stopping to loop her wrist and hand in the rope before looking back down. Seemed suitably high enough. Her brown eyes found her partner, being chased back her way. She wished she could reach down to snatch him up, but she needed all her upper body strength to hold him and her dead weight up.

This was going to hurt.

"Kord!" Satsi shouted, gripping the borrowed grappling line tightly as her triceps and abdomen strained. "Grab on to me!"

"What?!" yelped the Ryn, dodging away from a tiny, deadly spear with a movement that looked like a drunken, boneless stumble but ended in stunningly fluid roll upright.

"Grab my legs! Hurry up!"

"Why?!"

"Look at what we're standing on!"

Gray eyes took the risk of flickering around the village clearing again, trying to find whatever his companion was on about, and he realized after a moment as he narrowly ducked a slung stone. The entire little town was constructed on top of a massive piece of haul plating.

"Oh, kark," exclaimed the Consul as he dipped, dove, and ran for Satsi where she hung suspended from one of the immense trees. She braced herself, but couldn't hold back a scream as the Ryn leapt with a Force-fueled boost and snagged his arms around her thighs. His mass pulled at her already broken ankle, and he swore he felt something tearing or popping or something as he dangled. Apologies and curses poured out of him as he bunched his legs over her booted feet and shimmied upwards, effectively climbing up her body until he had a better hold. The woman was openly sobbing and shaking with the strain of it all, but they were both off the ground.

And the Ewoks, who chirped and growled and congregated closer like they were circling pray, weren't. It was extremely unnerving, watching even the archers lower their bows and come closer, until the whole fuzzy crowd was below them and grabbing spears to poke with. Even with the language barrier, he knew laughter when he heard it.

"Zap them already," Satsi spat through clenched teeth, and Kordath's jaw dropped open.

"Tha' was yer bloody plan?!" he exclaimed, yelping when a spear nicked his tail, others jabbing at his rear and both their legs. None of the jabs were very strong, almost like they wanted to just poke them full of holes until they fell or died and oh kark no. "I can nae do lightning, wench!"

"What?! What kinda sparky are you?!"

"Don't blame me fer yer assumin'! Ya should know me better!"

"Oh I think I know you pretty frakking wel— ahhh!" she cried out as one of the spearheads sliced through her pantleg. It would have hamstrung her if the Ryn hadn't jerked the thing off-track with his tail. "Frak. Frak, ahh! Fine, new plan, get the grenade on my belt!"

"Which one?!"

"Any one!"

"We goin ta bloody die!" shouted Bleu, but they were well and truly stuck now, and so he grabbed at the nearest thing he could that felt right, fumbled until something clicked, and dropped it into the huddle of death below them with a prayer. He clenched his eyes shut, ready to be blown to pieces.

The area exploded into crystalline cold.

Pain raced along their nerves as small shards of ice ripped past at high speeds, shredding through skin or embedding in muscle. Frost burns flashed over their feet and legs, the Ryn's tail only saved by being coiled tightly around his waist.

Their hunters were less lucky. The cryoban had frozen the water in the bodies of the small creatures closest to its impact point and debilitated others with its burn and chill. Those farthest from the center were making pained, panicky noises and trying to drag themselves away. Neither of the Arconans could tell if any of the creatures were truly dead or just stuck, but either way, they weren't about to wait to find out.

It was a precarious, agonizing thing to swing their combined mass around enough to get clearance of the pile of Ewoks and the spears and knives still pointing up at them, but Satsi managed. She let go and they hit the ground hard at odd angles, no control in the fall at all. The Human might have blacked out for a minute; she wasn't sure. But the next thing she knew, Kordath was at least trying to tie up the worst of her lacerations. There wasn't much to be done about the frost that had cracked her boots, likely beyond repair. At least her toes weren't black when they pulled her foot out of one; her ankle was too swollen to remove the other. Truthfully, the residual cold felt nice on the inflamed flesh.

"Help me up," Satsi grit out after the few desperate minutes the process took. "I gotta get those little frakkers."

Kordath had the decency of the two of them to look disturbed. "We can jus' leave 'em ta sort themselves out, scram."

"Not going anywhere fast and not taking the chance, Kord. Help. Me. Up."

With a deep frown and heavy brows, the Ryn did, propping his teammate upright by the shoulders, then working up to her knees. She hobbled to one bare foot with him as a crutch, and hopped awkwardly closer to the Ewoks that were stirring and struggling in their icy prison, fast dissipating in the jungle heat.

The crack of her pistol's repeated rapport made the Ryn's ears ring, and he flinched, looking away. It wasn't the worst thing, but it was still messy business, unpleasant. At least her shots were clean. Probably spared the buggers some bad frostbite.

The ensuing silence was loud in his skull, his teeth still aching from the gunshots so close by. The jungle around them had gone quiet, wildlife and, hopefully, any other Ewoks scared off by the commotion.

Suddenly, Satsi's weight increased, and the Consul squawked as they both buckled and flopped back to the metal-covered forest floor.

"Okay, so we're sittin' now. Some warnin' woulda been nice, lass."

"Sorry," the Human replied, slouching. She tucked her pistol sloppily back into its holster after discarding the two cartridges she'd just spent. "It's all hitting me."

"We'll get out of here soon," Kordath promised, moving away from her to scrounge around the clearing. For a few minutes, his worry skyrocketed, but then a familiar series of beeps and tiny arm-waving came from under some leaves and Skitters emerged, chirping furiously. He relaxed just a bit. "Oi! There ya bloody are, bud!"

The unit obediently came up to him, though it pinched him several times in retribution, the bratty thing. He went about checking it's chassis over and then its datachip, murmuring soft commands for a report.

"The files're safe," sighed the Ryn eventually in immense relief.

It was a moment before what he'd said set in, Satsi still dizzy with agony and eyeballing the perimeter for any more hostiles.

"Wait, files?" she stressed the plural. "How d'yah know he found more than one?"

"Uh," answered Kord intelligently, his tail twitching in a very specific way she knew all too well.

"...how did you even know he found any Intel in the first place?" muttered the Human, her gaze turning into a glare, recalling his earlier excuses. She looked pointedly around them, at the camp of wood and debris, in which not a single working piece of tech seemed to be in sight.

"Well, ya see..."

It clicked, and Satsi nearly shrieked, "Oh my— you Shadows-damned bastard, you went back for your porn! You did, didn't you?!"

"You don't have to say it like that, lass..."

"You frakking sleemo," Satsi gasped, but then she was laughing, laughing hard. She threw her head back and guffawed. "Kark me, yah not even gonna try to say it's some precious holo of the first time Shay spoke on there or something? Just gonna admit it, it's your porn stash on his drives."

"Heh." Kordath's lips were pulling in a grin, his mustaches twitching. "I'll have ya know, luv, I'm an honest bloke, I am. And ain't no shame in a lil' self care."

Satsi bent over and laughed harder still, her sounds more stuttering gasps than anything, but her face was still stretched and squinched in amusement. Tears leaked from her screwed shut eyes, and her cheeks were bright red around her smile.

It was infectious, and soon the Ryn was chortling as well, a quieter sound that whistled through his beaky nose. Satsi leaned against him and wheezed, holding her stomach.

"Oh, it hurts," she rasped, shaking silently, though he could only sense delight from her. "Ow, ow, ow, kark, haha."

"Careful there, lass. Don't wanna break anythin'."

"Too late fer that," joked the woman, obviously struggling to take deeper breaths and control herself. "Shadows, Kordy. I missed you."

"Didn't go anywhere."

"I know. That's the worst part. Even in the same room, I'm frakking missing you."

He tucked his chin briefly into her shoulder.

"Missed ya too," he murmured. Then, he pulled back, looking unsettled. Satsi leaned away too, staring at him with too-open sadness, all the more raw after her mirth.

"Kordy—"

"Don't, Sats, c'mon, we can't— I can't—"

"Kordath," she interrupted, gaze pleading. "Would you just let me karking say this? Kord, I'm sorry. Okay? Do you know that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was part of frakking up you and Zuji, and I want to fix it, and I don't wanna lose you. I'm not looking for anything else anymore. I just want my Flu...my friend."

The Consul hung his head.

"I dunno, Red," he whispered. "I can't risk karkin' things up any worse with 'er, and if we're bein' friendly, then..."

Satsi's face fell, her shoulders slumping. She sighed and said, "Yeah. Okay."

"Satsi..."

"I get it," she bit out, trying to haul herself upright but only managing to fall back on her rear. "I do, okay? You do it for her. I do it for him. Just...does it have to be...I mean, for how long? A month, two, a year? Are...can we never be friends again? Is this it?"

"I don't know," Kordath answered honestly, sounding miserable, and Satsi sighed again, leaning back. The Consul grimaced when she flinched from the jostle of her leg.

They stared at anything but one another for a long time.

"Let's go home," the gangster finally declared. "We're obviously not finding anything useful here, not today. We can send somebody back who can actually walk. And who has free drive space."

That, at least, drew a snort. The Ryn nodded.

"Yeah," he agreed, picking up his Skitters unit and settling it in his lap. He'd comm for backup to evacuate them. "Let's git."

"Kay. Gonna sleep now...Bleu, sir."

"Ya do that, luv— Tameike. Ya do tha'."

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 May, 2018 7:06 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


The cryoban had frozen the water in the bodies of the small creatures closest to its impact point and debilitated others with its burn and chill.

Here the post does an excellent job of describing the effect of the grenade. To strengthen future posts, more attention could be paid to the consequences of weapons hitting their targets.


Can Be Improved

Syntax


She hobbled to one bare foot with him as a [crutch] and hopped awkwardly closer to the Ewoks that were stirring and struggling in their icy prison, fast dissipating in the jungle heat.

The post had a comma following crutch that wasn’t needed; this is one of a few cases where you slip up on pretty solid syntax otherwise. I would suggest giving an extra read-through, reading aloud and proofreading as methods that could help avoid this in future posts.

He didn't have long to wonder as the Ewoks began raising their bows, stone-tipped arrows lining up on him. The sound of slugthrowers rang out, causing the fuzzy little bastards to duck, rounds speeding past them. It wasn't much, but it bought the Ryn time as he felt the Force flow through him, fueling his muscles to make the sprint up the small hill all the quicker. A faint cursing could be heard from back at the bottom where Satsi was, he hoped, hobbling away. Kordath crested the hill, dashing past the surprised Ewoks and snatching the makeshift altar that his droid had been set upon.

He turned to head back, reaching out to feel the direction Satsi was retreating. It wouldn't do to go too fast, he knew. If he overtook her the Ewoks would overrun the pair of them. No matter what terms the two were on he didn't wish death by the sentient stuffed animals upon her.

Can nae believe people use these things for bloody therapy!

More Ewoks came whooping into view, hurling rocks and spears towards the Ryn, who clutched his droid and danced from side to side. He allowed the Force to guide his steps, trusting it to keep him safe as he fumbled to unsheathe his dagger to free the ID9 unit. It became apparent that some of the wiring being used to hold the small droid to the wooden frame was from inside of it, meaning if he went cutting he could do some serious damage.

"Kark it!" he shouted to no one in particular, swinging the wooden base around to fend off stabbing spears. He backed away towards the same drop that he and Red had fallen down before, but this time he was ready. Turning tail, he stumbled down, hoping he didn't grow a spear in his back before reaching the bottom. He began moving from tree to tree, hoping the Ewoks would simply give up, and was annoyed when they kept following. Until an idea began to form, causing a cruel smile to cross the usually laidback Arconan's features.

Further ahead, back towards the ship they'd come in on, Satsi was half stumbling, half hopping her way through the underbrush. It wasn't hard to retrace her steps, the singed vines were tell-tale signs of their passage. The makeshift crutch was bruising her armpit already, but she dared not make too much noise complaining about it. Not when she knew she was passing near the Black Sun encampment they'd seen earlier. Part of her hoped Kordath was alright, no matter how karked off they were at one another. That and if he died on this forest moon she might have to take his damn job over.

Pausing to rest, she could hear the drifting voices of the pirates through the trees. Her back stiffened, a hand reaching unconsciously to touch the scars on her abdomen. Running into that group would be worse than the Ewoks; at least the savages would only try and eat them. She realized her teeth were clenched and tried to relax them, glaring at the direction of the sound. Further away she could make out the cries of the locals, no doubt chasing a certain tailed fellow. An ugly thought crossed her mind, causing her to hobble to her feet, before setting the crutch under her arm. As quick as she could while staying quiet, she rounded the Black Sun camp, trying to decide what the best point between them and the ship off this moon would do.

Settling on a patch of moss and dirt, she knelt, taking the pressure off her wrenched leg. A quick dig through her pack brought out the bulky seismic charge, which she set up and tossed some brush over. She pushed herself back to standing, and headed further towards the ship, casting a glance back when she reached a good, solid tree and sidled around to lean against the side of it. She laid the crutch down, it wouldn't do much good for what she planned next.

Kordath Bleu stumbled, almost tripping over a root as another sling driven rock passed inches from the side of his head. Arrows flew past as well, spurring him on despite the burning in his lungs and legs. The wooden altar that Skitters was wired to was starting to feel very heavy. His plan was mad, by his standards, and he wished he'd brought a second flash grenade with him on this foray into the forest.

"Just..a..bit...further," he huffed to himself. He reached out with his senses, feeling Satsi dead ahead, except she'd quit running. A feeling of anticipation was coming off of her, and from his experience, that meant she had something nasty planned for someone. He burst out from beneath the trees, nearly getting caught in a bramble bush, and into a clearing. Stopping to explain himself to the confused looking Black Sun pirates struck him as counterproductive, instead giving them a weak smile and nod as he kept going, full speed, through the camp.

Blasters were raised, tracking the dirty Ryn, clutching a droid to his chest.

Shouts were raised as well before screams of alarm were heard when the pursuing Ewoks tore into the camp. Kordath glanced over his shoulder in time to watch a pair of the fuzzy beasts plunging spears into a very surprised pirate, before the whole area erupted in blaster fire and yelling. Making it to the other end of the clearing, he stumbled through more brush and over a patch of moss before catching sight of his companion.

He slumped against the tree, sucking in air before finally managing to speak again.

"Tha frak are ya still don' here!? I told ya ta run!"

"Leave you behind, huh?"

"Frakkin' hell, Satsi, I will nae have ya dyin' on me! One, I'd nae be able ta live with meself, and two, pretty sure yer lad Uji would have me in a hole buried up ta me neck on a beach afterward!"

"Aw, ya do still care," she said, wincing as she shifted her weight, reaching over to ruffle his sweaty hair. "You ran the Ewoks into the pirate camp, didn't you?"

She was nodding towards the sound of blasters and high pitched Ewok battle cries.

"Aye," he said with a nod, "Ya guessed I'd do that?"

"I still sorta know how you work, Kordy."

He leaned back, head resting on the tree bark to look up at the woman, and sighed.

"We gotta sort this kark out, Red, I...I miss me friend, eh?"

"Me too," she muttered. His eyes traveled to her hands, both clutching a datapad and something spherical, her slugthrowers back in their holsters.

"Sats...." he began, concern clear in his voice. Anything he wanted to say was cut off when the last of the savage cries died down. Pirates burst through the brush, half a dozen in all, bleeding and bruised.

"Where'd that frakking little-tailed schutta go!?" shouted one, blaster sweeping the area.

"Over there!" cried another, pointing at the sitting Ryn. Kord threw his hands up in exasperation. From Satsi he heard a murmur of 'just a bit closer.'

The thugs started towards them, and Kordath heard a chuckle as they stepped onto a patch of moss.

"Cover your ears, Kordy," she whispered before her thumb hit a button on the datapad. The world erupted in a wall of sound, the sonic wave coming from the seismic charge dropping the Black Sun pirates to the ground, clutching at bleeding ears and eyes. Bleu had had just enough time to slap his own palms to ears, and Satsi had been sheltered by the tree.

"Murderous frakkers," snarled the woman, hurling the other object she held towards the group of fallen pirates. It hit the ground, detonating and vaporizing a good chunk of it, and the thugs along with it. She sighed and then let out a grunt of pain, her leg trying to collapse from under her. Kordath jumped to help, lowering her to the forest floor before sitting himself down with her.

"I'd, uh, hoped tha locals would take care of 'em good and proper. Guess they lost," spoke the Ryn, sheepishly. He cast his eyes to the ground and rubbed the back of his head.

He felt a hand tug at his goatee, lifting his head back up to look at Satsi.

"Don't you go all morose on me now, damn it, we almost made progress before they showed up."

"Progress," he murmured, chuckling and seeming to perk up. Hands patted at his jacket before he withdrew a bottle with a look of triumph. "Blasted thing bruised me ribs, but it did nae break! So, how's bout this," he stated, popping the cap off and offering it to his companion.

"We get a wee bit loaded before headin' back ta tha ship and sortin' out Skitters, and just...talk. No filters, no holdin' back. Say what we's gots ta say, yeah?"

She stared at the bottle, knowing that the two of them drinking alone was a big part of their current problems. Still...

She took the bottle and had a swig, before handing it back. Assuming no more Ewoks showed up, they might manage to salvage this trip and their friendship.

"Cheers," he stated, taking a pull of whiskey for himself.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 May, 2018 7:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Shouts were raised as well before screams of alarm were heard when the pursuing Ewoks tore into the camp. Kordath glanced over his shoulder in time to watch a pair of the fuzzy beasts plunging spears into a very surprised pirate, before the whole area erupted in blaster fire and yelling. Making it to the other end of the clearing, he stumbled through more brush and over a patch of moss before catching sight of his companion.

Here the post does an excellent job of providing an amusing sight while ensuring it isn’t out of place with the larger narrative. I’d suggest looking for more opportunities to call back to things in previous posts, even if it’s a more serious tone than this example.


Can Be Improved

Syntax


If he overtook [her,] the Ewoks would overrun the pair of them.[...]

The post suffers from a series of errors with commas, this example is where there should be one, but there isn’t. The post also has a couple of comma splices and commas where they shouldn’t be. I would suggest giving an extra read-through, reading aloud and proofreading as methods that could help avoid this in future posts.