Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae vs. Battlemaster Wrathus

Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Battlemaster Wrathus

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Epicanthix, Sith, Juggernaut, Imperial
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC and for your patience waiting for this judgment.

I feel exceptionally privileged to have the opportunity to grade a match of this caliber. I do not exaggerate in the least when I say this is probably the best master-student fight I have seen in the ACC. Both of you put forward a strong showing that would easily fit into the highest levels of ACC competition so pat yourselves on the back. My comments, where given, are intended to help you improve for future matches so don't take the detail or number of them as a knock on you. When one reaches a certain level in the ACC little things and polish becomes the difference between a 4 and a 5 or winning and losing.

All that being said this was a very clean match from a syntax standpoint. You both skillfully wielded your descriptive language but Wrathus had a noticeable edge in the amount and type of syntax errors he had. Nothing jumped out at me from a realism standpoint, which is a remarkable achievement for a 6 post match. There were a few times I had to stop and pull out the character sheets to check skill and power levels but that sprang from a judge level of diligence. From a pure reading experience perspective there was nothing in the realism error that detracted from my enjoyment of the story, no "wait a second" moments with your skill and power usage. Likewise the continuity dimension was also free of any errors that I could see across the board.

This match came down to story, which was exceptional from both sides. You both took a well-worn match premise of a master-student fight and made me as a reader care about it. Character history was skillfully woven into the action by both of you to provide context for the conflict for those unfamiliar with these characters. Both endings were strong and had similar story beats. Tahiri's ending did a better job of making it feel more like an exchange between the characters while Wrathus relied on a monologue. Wrathus' ending gets the edge because of the reversal at the end where Tahiri appears to have won the fight then ends up losing because she refused to kill Wrathus. Normally building up to one thing and switching to another at the last minute is a risky move (I've been dinged on attempting something similar myself) but in this instance it worked and it worked well.

Sadly there must be a single winner for every match. Again, you both should feel exceptionally proud of the strong showing you put forward in this match.

The Winner is Wrathus

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae , Battlemaster Wrathus
Winner Battlemaster Wrathus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Lightsabers Only
Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Wrathus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 26 May, 2018 11:07 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: There were a few minor syntax errors that could have been caught with more proofing but nothing that took away from a smooth reading experience. Rationale: Your posts were well above average in the syntax department but you had noticeably more errors than you opponent.
Story - 40%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: While your opening post barely had any action in it you established the in-character conflict in such a way that you made the reader care about an otherwise routine master-student fight. Your ending, especially the reversal at the very end, is what put you over the top into 5 territory in the story dimension. I also liked how you brought things back full circle to the Sith statue. Rationale: You carried the emotional conflict established in the opening post and deepened it with some skillfully integrated exposition but your first two posts held you back from a 5. Your first post was a bit jarring due the flashback and your second post contained well-executed action but it was a bit one-sided which caused the dramatic tension to suffer slightly. Your ending was your strongest post and contained a compelling mix of action and dialogue exchange.
Realism - 25%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 (Advantage) Score: 5
Rationale: No realism detractors that I could see. Rationale: No realism detractors that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 (Advantage) Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson's Score: 5.14 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 4.45
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumored to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

As Tahiri’s personal ship descended through the thick clouds she could easily make out the outline of Fury, her master’s personal ship. The distinct geometric hull rested outside the overgrown ruins of the Dark Temple. Descending to an open patch, the young togruta disembarked. Walking with confidence, she strode up to her master’s ship and found a buxom brunette with bright green eyes in an officer's uniform leaned against the back hatch.

“He’s inside lassie.” The woman gestured to the temple. “My guess is he’s waiting for you.” Her voice was comforting with a thick Irish accent.

Tahiri sighed and offered the woman a nod before proceeding up the path to the temple. She looked around, it wasn’t her first time walking the stones up to broken archway. Every time she saw the temple like this she was heartbroken. She’d seen the holorecordings, read the texts, this place was awe inspiring in its day. Now it was a pale shadow of that. Pushing that back she passed through the entrance she entered the main hall. Working her way around the rubble she saw him; kneeling before the towering statue of a pure-blooded Sith. She opened her mouth to greet him.

“Hello Mast-”

“You can feel it apprentice, can’t you?”

She knew he was referring to the energy coursing through the building. “Yes Master.”

“It’s unlike anywhere else in the galaxy. The power here, the energy, this is what our order has been in the past. I love it, I’m building a home near here.” Standing, he replaced his mask and turned to her. “Bloodfyre and the others decided that you were a Battlemaster before I was.” He beckoned to the side as he began slowly removing his left glove. “However, I am your teacher, and only I can decided when you have surpassed me.” His tall black droid approached him. With his glove removed, Wrathus gripped his forearm and the limb split open with a click. He slowly drew out the slender dagger hidden within. He handed the weapon to his droid and motioned for it to leave. The droid approached her and extended its hand.

She knew what it wanted, so she slowly handed it her vibroknife and throwing daggers. The droid hung them from its waist and slowly exited the temple.

“Now my apprentice.” Wrathus lifted the hilt of his lightsaber. “Let us see if you have truly surpassed me.” A bright crimson line split the air.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:38 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This was one of the best setups for a master-student match I've seen. You do an outstanding job setting up the dramatic tension of the master trying to retain their dominance over the student. As a reader this got me invested in the narrative very early on which is a big plus. You also integrated the venue itself into the post which paints a more complete scene in the mind of the reader.


Can Be Improved

the young togruta disembarked.

Species names (aside from human) are typically capitalized.

A bright crimson line split the air.

Even though this is a six post match (and you write three posts yourself) you still need action in every post. This post was a bit thin in that department.

When Tahiri received the vague holo message from her Master to meet on Dromund Kaas, she had been slightly confused. All he said was to come alone and as soon as possible. Knowing the Epicanthix ways, she knew it had to be either something important or something that needed to be sorted out and discussed personally. She asked Kul’tak to take care of Solan while she was away, and quickly boarded her Star Courier.

Tahiri felt a sense of Deja vous as her Star Courier shuttle landed near the Dark Temple. The air crackled with familiarity, as a streak of lightning split the purple hued sky. Entering the temple brought back memories of a bygone day, one she had wished went a bit better.

Upon finding Wrathus before the great statue of the pure-blooded Sith, seeing the outstretched hand again, gave her a sense comfort almost. It reminded her of the choices she made throughout her life and everything that had led her to moments like these. The Battlemaster didn’t fully believe in destiny, but she did understand that when the Force wanted something to happen, in some manner or way it would.

Tahiri listened as her Master explained why they were here. She was glad that he was building a home nearby. After giving her other weapons over to Gordon, she watched the droid leave. Before Tahiri could say anything, Wrathus spoke again and ignited his saber. As its red blade cut the air, the imposing man stepped quickly toward her and swung his blade in a low, vicious sideways arc. The Togruta dove to the right of his swing, and then acrobatically kept avoiding his rapid-fire succession of powerful attacks.

Gathering the Force within her with each calculated flip and spin maneuver, she prepared herself for what was about to happen. Taking one final flip that took her just a few feet from the reach of Wrathus’ saber, she grabbed both her lightsaber’s from her waistband, her first training saber and her Knight’s rune saber, igniting both blades. She brought them up to meet the powerful overhead swing that would have split her in half. The hiss’ and sparks flew as both Battlemasters’ blades clashed, Tahiri using all of her strength to stop the attack, and Wrathus pressing forward.

With the Force augmenting her strength, and with a wild scream, Tahiri pressed hard against the attack and drove her Master back a few feet before disengaging. “Let us see then,” she said before launching into an assault of her own.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

It reminded her of the choices she made throughout her life and everything that had led her to moments like these. The Battlemaster didn’t fully believe in destiny, but she did understand that when the Force wanted something to happen, in some manner or way it would.

While the flashback did cause a hit to pacing, I did like how this passage interjected a bit of the character's personality into the events. It helped build up the tension of the master-student confrontation established in the opening post.


Can Be Improved

You employed a flashback here when your opponent ended the first post on a cliffhanger. While that is technically not an error it does drag the pacing down a bit for the reader. In the future when you're considering this technique consider whether the hit to pacing is worth whatever you're backing up in time to show the audience. In this case the benefit of doing so wasn't clear.

Taking the moment he was offered, Wrathus steeled himself and blocked the oncoming assault. His saber’s blade dancing back and forth deflecting his apprentice’s blades. He smiled from behind his mask. She had become skilled in the ways of the blade, but her form was unmistakable. Form V; Shien, true it had aspects of Ataru sprinkled throughout, but the core was all Form V. And that was a form that Wrathus knew all too well. He saw his opportunity and sidestepped the red line of her blade and kneed her in the stomach, doubling her over. She looked up at him for a second before his closed fist cracked her across the jaw hard enough to draw blood. He raised his blade over head, but she dove out of the way before it struck.

Tahiri popped up to her feet and wiped the blood from her lips. She had spared with her Master in the past, but that punch had a malice behind it that she’d never felt from him. He had always been hard, but she’d felt a softer side hidden within, especially around her. She wasn’t so diluted to think it was love, but he’d never struck her in true anger. His strikes had always been firm but they served to teach. That punch was stiff and served only to hurt. In that moment she knew he meant to kill her here. She blanched at the thought. The man who had taught her everything about the Force, a man who was like a second father, now wanted her dead. She had little time to consider the implication of this as something in her mind told her to move. She dove to the side as the rubble behind her exploded as a ball of energy shattered it. She looked up from her knees as he approached.

Wrathus held his saber in his right hand and the Force in his left. He gazed at his apprentice, held forth his hand, and discharged veins of blue lighting from his fingertips. The jagged lines of energy cut a swath through the air, arcing into the ground and rubble as they went, until they found Tahiri and she caught the blast with her sabers.

Holding her blades in an X, she could feel the power, the rage, behind this strike. For some reason her Master was furious, with her. She looked past her crossed blades and through the lightning to watch her Master slowly approach her. She had only a second to shift her block up when the lightning stopped and his blade descended. He held the blade in one hand and still his might was so much greater than hers that it took all of her strength to hold the saber lock. From her knees she looked up and was struck by the sight. Her Master, masked stood over her, and over him loomed the great statue of the pure-blooded Sith, and behind it the collapsed roof revealed the menacing sky of Dromund Kaas. She had only a moment to enjoy the sight as she felt him pressing down on her with his blade.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You used the point of view of your opponent's character so well I had to stop and check who's post I was looking at.

The man who had taught her everything about the Force, a man who was like a second father, now wanted her dead.

This line was especially powerful and used Wrathus' aspects in a natural way for the story.


Can Be Improved

Form V; Shien, true it had aspects of Ataru sprinkled throughout, but the core was all Form V.

Generally it's better to show rather than tell when it comes to things like saber forms and martial arts. In other words describe the character's movements rather than just saying they are using a particular form. The lightsaber combat guide has a list of adjectives for each form.

Tahiri could feel the full weight of her Master bearing down upon her. She knew now that there was only one thing to do, survive. Reaching out, she let the dark side of the Force envelope her mind and body in its cold familiar embrace. The Togruta closed her eyes for a moment, pushing hard against his saber, as the memories of pain and flooded into her mind.

Tahiri‘s dead family members, and the promise she made to her dying father. Being an outcast until finding her new family clan, Tarentum. The battles and friends lost along the way, and finally, Tarentum itself being bombarded by the Collective.

Tahiri remembered not knowing if even her own Master, or some others for that fact, had survived the Collective attack on Yridia’s system planets. Only to have him suddenly crash land on Dagobah, during her new clan’s retreat vacation. She saved the Epicanthixs’ life by pulling him from his wrecked burning ship, in the middle of the swamp, and now to have him angry with her over a rank promotion of all things.

The Togruta opened her eyes as the rage rose from deep within her core. Looking up through the red haze of their locked sabers, she stared straight up Wrathus. Though she couldn’t see his eyes through the mask, she could feel them staring back at her. With a sigh, she let his saber descend further. She grunted as she then, using some of his downward momentum against him, shoved his blade off to the right as it came close to her head.

With all of his driving force going down and forward, Wrathus was taken a bit by surprise to see her seemingly give up. But then that energy was shoved to his left as Tahiri drove his saber towards the ground. Taking a step forward to keep his balance, he managed to not be taken completely by surprise, only to be met with an immense sudden pain running through his right leg.

Tahiri had taken advantage of his attempt to stay balanced and grounded. As her Masters’ blade came down and he stepped forward to recover, she stretched her left leg out and struck the side of his right knee with her shin. As it bent inward, Tahiri heard a grunt from behind the mask as Wrathus’ knee buckled inward beneath him.

Knowing he was going to be angrier than before with that strike, she used her own created momentum to disengage from the saber lock. Sweeping her sabers down until they met the ground along with Wrathus’ saber, keeping her right blade vertically blocking his, she extinguishing her second blade. From there she used the Force to push away from him and retaliate with her own sparks of lightning, using only three fingertips of her left hand while still holding the extinguished blade hilt.

The tendrils of lightning hit Wrathus in his side as he fell to his knee. Tahiri rolled and jumped to her feet, facing Wrathus where he knelt, blade still humming and half buried in the stone floor.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The strongest part of this post is how you skillfully wove the character's emotions into the action itself creating a well-described yet emotionally compelling scene.


Can Be Improved

The Togruta closed her eyes for a moment, pushing hard against his saber, as the memories of pain and flooded into her mind.

I believe you are missing a word after "and." Also, you had some issues with possessives in this post that could have been caught with further proofing.

The tendrils of lightning hit Wrathus in his side as he fell to his knee.

From a story standpoint this post felt just a little one-sided. You weren't godmoding or anything that extreme but it felt that Tahiri was a little too successful at all her actions in this post while Wrathus found little. Be mindful of that in future matches, if you favor one character too heavily for an entire post it can take away from the dramatic tension of the fight. Body posts in an ACC match usually have a back and forth between the fighters.

Both Master and Apprentice were panting. Time stood still around them, everything up to this point had been only testing each other. This was the lull before the storm. Wrathus slowly stood drawing his blade from the floor. Tahiri’s resolve wavered for just a second and before she could stop herself.

“Master! Why are you so angry? All of this over a rank promotion?” She asked from across the room.

“You want to know why?” His voice was dripping with the remnants of his former insanity. “This is why! Without me you wouldn’t be here! I made you the member you are! If I hadn’t found you and brought you to Tarentum you would have been wandering the galaxy with no purpose! I even made you a member of my family! I extended that privilege to your apprentice, who if we’re being honest, was an utter disappointment. And how do you repay these gifts? With treachery, betrayal and lies! You have done nothing to repay all that I’ve done for you! I even once believed that we could have a future together. But that was before I remembered that things like that are nothing but a weakness and a liability. I believed in you and put my trust in you. I’ve come to realize that was a mistake.” He took hold of his saber with both hands and settled into a variant of the Djem So ready stance. “A mistake you won’t live long enough for me to regret!”

With an augmented howl that shook the room around them, Wrathus charged at Tahiri. He brought his blade dow with ill-intent. Tahiri held her ground and intercepted the downstroke. The pair stared at each other and the world around them fell away.

There was only Wrathus and his rage, and Tahiri and her concern.

Their blades sizzling in opposition, each used the Force to press against the strength of the other, but one clearly held the advantage. Wrathus howled rage into Tahiri’s face through his mask. Only the welling in her eyes and the tight line of her mouth betrayed the sadness behind Tahiri’s otherwise cool expression.

Feeding off his anger, Wrathus shoved her away and unleashed an onslaught of overhand slashes and crosscuts. Tahiri backed off, parrying, unable to respond with blows of her own. Wrathus tried to split Tahiri’s head but she blocked again and again.

Wrathus spun into a middle, Force augmented kick that hit Tahiri in the stomach and sent her skidding backwards ten meters. Tahiri dropped to one knee and coughed up a thick wad of blood onto the stone floor.

Wrathus, aflame with hate, flung his lightsaber at Tahiri. Guiding its path with the Force, it cut a crimson line through the air at Tahiri’s head. But Tahiri, sensing her impending demise, leapt into the air, over the blade.

While the girl was hanging in the air, Wrathus uncorked a wave of energy that caught his apprentice unprepared and sent her careening into a pile of rubble. She came to a rest on her side, one of her saber hilts clattering away into the shadows.

Wrathus did not hesitate. He mounted the column of his hatred, shouting with anger, and leapt twenty meters into the air towards Tahiri. Mid-jump, he used the Force to recall his blade to his hand, took a reverse two-handed grip, and prepared to pin Tahiri’s head to the Temple floor.

But Tahiri rolled back out of the way at the last moment and the Master’s blade sank to the hilt in the stone of the floor. Tahiri lashed out with a kick that caught Wrathus in the wrists breaking his grip and staggering him slightly. Riding the moment of the kick to regain her feet, she drew his blade from the floor while firing off another kick that caught his left knee. As he dropped to his knees weaponless, Tahiri stood triumphantly over him crossing their blades in front of his throat.

Panting, Wrathus didn’t look up as he spoke. “Do it child. You know what must be done.”

Tahiri stood conflicted and seemed poised to behead him when she suddenly deactivated both weapons.

“No. I won’t lose another father.” She dropped the hilts to the floor and began to help him to his feet.

“That… that’s… so…” Wrathus spoke through his labored breaths. “Unfortunate.” He finished with a hiss as he clasped his hands behind her head as he dropped to his knees, driving her jaw into the top of his head. She staggered back from the impact and was caught unaware when his massive right hook caught her on the jaw. A tooth dislodged, Tahiri tasted blood again. She moved to hold her jaw as he began raining lefts and rights to her head and torso. At one point he drove his knee into her midsection, doubling her over. He followed this up with a hateful elbow to the back of her head flattening her to the floor. She slowly managed to get to her hands and knees when she felt his boot on the back of her neck. With one savage stomp he drove her body to the floor. And then with a sound akin to crushing a melon with a hammer, he began stomping on her head. Over and over again he drove his foot into the back of her head. Mashing her face into the floor. When her teeth shattered they sent little white shards skittering across the stone. And then with once final sickening squelch, he crushed her skull and left her in a puddle at the feet of the pure-blooded Sith.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This post did everything an ending post should do, it upped the ante on the emotional side of the character conflict and provided an action-packed and satisfying conclusion to the conflict. Wrathus' monologue at start of the post might have gone on a little too long but it provided some necessary exposition for their conflict and kept me engaged as a reader so it worked.


Can Be Improved

He brought his blade dow with ill-intent.

I believe you meant down.

“Don’t make me do this Solas, arrg Wrathus!” Tahiri exclaimed through clenched teeth. The Battlemasters’ throat felt dry realizing she had said Wrathus’ original name. She understood the new name, new life concept in human philosophy. Names were important to her, and when Solas announced his name change to Wrathus, it seemed like a betrayal of who and where the Epicanthix had been in his life. Tahiri had felt honored when she had taken his family’s last name when he had offered it.

“Don’t make me kill you,” Tahiri‘s voice almost broke saying those words. The Togruta knew that there was only one way to survive this, deep in her heart she didn’t want to admit it. Her vision blurred slightly as her emotions began to overtake her discipline.

Somehow the tears saved her vision, as a flash of bright light erupted from where Wrathus still knelt. Kark, he can do blinding light. The Togruta squinted, and then remembered that there was a large pile of rubble to her right, from the roof, that she could jump up on, if she was quick enough. Her instincts automatically took over, even as her mind raced through the scenario. Tahiri extinguished her other blade and jumped, flipping up onto the pile of rubble, just as she felt the thrumming and heat from Wrathus’ saber blade. Landing on top of the rubble pile, she opened her eyes, which were only slightly seeing spots of light. Looking down she saw Wrathus standing, though slightly leaning to the side she hit him on, and laughing.

“You have grown soft Tahiri. You’ve always been a bit on the soft side, but never so soft as to finish the job or order,” Wrathus turned away slightly. “Though with things, like feelings for that Zabrak, clouding your vision, I can see where you have strayed from the path I set forth for you,” he continued slowly.

He’s trying to rile me up, Tahiri realized. He’s trying the same tactic that he uses to get a rise out of Blackhawk.

“I must confess, that I am displeased with this,” the Epicanthix looked up at the Togruta as he elaborated. “Now either you get back on the path that I set for you, or die.”

Those last words actually stung less than they should have. Tahiri took a deep breath, staring at her Master’s mask. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she slowly replied, “You took me in when I was lost, and had barely an understanding in the Force and the world around me. I gave you my life, my pain, my anger, and molded it into what is now me.”

Tahiri felt her rage rising again, ”I have always looked up to you like a second father. One who would teach me, help me grow, and be there for me longer than my own birth father was. He died honorably, protecting his tribe and his family. I don’t want to lose another father, especially to something as petty as a rank difference. I thought that you would be proud to have an apprentice who has excelled beyond your expectations!” She almost shouted those words at him, barely able to control the volume of her voice.

Igniting her rune saber and pointing it at him, “I have done things for you, mission for you, that I never thought I would do. I have annihilated people on your command! I have been a loyal apprentice. What more could you want from me?” Tahiri‘s eyes began to glow as the Dark side of Force clouded around her. “You say I have grown weak and soft since I met Kul. Well I feel stronger than ever, knowing that he trusts me. I have not felt your trust, since the we were at the Pyramid. Do you trust me anymore?”

The question seemed to take Wrathus off guard for a moment, as he tilted his head down, looking at the saber in his right hand.

For a long moment there was no answer. Then “I trust you,” the man replied slowly. “But I do not trust your choices or the ‘company’ you keep.”

As suddenly as he spoke, he unleashed another torrent of lightning up at Tahiri.

Tahiri dodged the lightning, jumping off the rubble pile. As Wrathus followed her, she called upon the Force, turning and squaring up against her Master, using the Force to conceal what she building up to. His attack came swift and hard again, but she was ready. Dropping her second saber, she unleashed her own torrent of lightning which he caught with his saber. He brought his left hand up to strike at her, but was too late. Augmenting her speed, she sprinted forward, ducking beneath his swing and with one swipe, cut off his prosthetic limb at the elbow. Then rolling and flipping back to where she had stood before, extended her hand and called the rubble behind Wrathus to her.

Wrathus realized it all to late, though he managed to dodge, turning around and slicing a couple pieces of rock apart. The edge of a large stone made it past his defenses and cracked him in the side of his head. His vision blurred, and turned dark.

Tahiri watched as Wrathus tottered for moment after the rock hit his head, and then slump to ground. She held the rubble for a moment before throwing it away from her and Wrathus. She was breathing heavily now, and sweat dripped down her Lekku. Slowly stepping forward, her muscles screaming in defiance of the movement, she stooped over Wrathus’ body and checked his vitals. He was stable, though he would probably never forgive her for the huge headache he would have when he awoke. Nor for cutting off his custom cybernetic arm, but she would deal with that later.

She made her way out of the temple, reminding herself tiredly to tell the brunette that she better go fetch Wrathus. Tahiri figured that she could sleep all the way back to Aliso.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 2 June, 2018 4:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The dialogue exchange between the characters in this post was a highlight. A lot of character history was worked into the dialogue but there had been enough build up in the prior posts that I didn't lose interest, you had created that investment in me as the reader so that I wanted to know more about these characters. You also didn't go overboard with it, the exposition stayed tied to the character conflict itself which was skillfully done.


Can Be Improved

Wrathus realized it all to late, though he managed to dodge

It's "too" instead of "to" in this context. There were a few other stray syntax errors in this post.