Augur Tra'an Reith di Plagia vs. Seer Tisto Kingang

Augur Tra'an Reith di Plagia

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kaleesh, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
vs.

Seer Tisto Kingang

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
Comment

Let me start off by thanking both of you gentlemen for taking part in the Coach’s Corner ACC event. This match was an exciting match I’d like to see repeated at some point in the future, you both did well and had your strengths, but part of me is curious to see what you could do when you’ve taken onboard the feedback presented.

Tra’an, you wrote a solid story and dealt with your opponent’s post well, for the most part, you also kept it together grammatically. There were no major errors in any of the categories, but I feel like you could have used the word count a bit more to tell a more rounded story that explored more than you were able to do this time around. That being said, it was still good writing of a match and hopefully the first of many to come.

Tisto, you did well with your descriptions, and there were flashes of brilliance within your posts so congratulations on that. However, your syntax could’ve used some tightening up, and you might have even outscored your opponent in that regard had you had another proofing. The incident with the leg in your second post soured what was up to that point, a narrative I was interested in. It was still on the whole, good, solid writing from you and you should be proud of what you did.

Thanks again, and now it’s time for the numbers to be added up and I declare Tra’an Reith di Plagia the winner of this match.

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Tra'an Reith di Plagia, Seer Tisto Kingang
Winner Augur Tra'an Reith di Plagia
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Tra'an Reith di Plagia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Malachor: Sith Temple Ruins
Last Post 14 June, 2018 2:58 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Reaver Tra'an Reith di Plagia Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing too egregious here. Rationale: Nothing that distracts from the writing, but repeated mistakes were made.
Story - 40%
Reaver Tra'an Reith di Plagia Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: You give Tra’an a reason to fight, but you never actually explain why he’s on Malachor, it’s suggested for access to the pyramid, but his and Tisto’s motives could’ve been expanded on. Rationale: Like your opponent, you partly explain why your character is there, but in your case, it doesn’t show up until your final post.
Realism - 25%
Reaver Tra'an Reith di Plagia Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing ridiculous here. Rationale: Nothing I could find.
Continuity - 20%
Reaver Tra'an Reith di Plagia Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: Everything is fine here. Rationale: Tisto can put weight on his leg without being in pain despite having taken a lightsaber to the same body part. You reference the pain later on, but a light blow was enough to incapacitate Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones, Tisto shouldn’t have still been moving.
Reaver Tra'an Reith di Plagia's Score: 4.32 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.45
Posts

Malachor Sith Temple Ruins

From space, Malachor seems no more than a lifeless ball of ash. In the center of an open crater, however, lies the ancient Sith Temple. This colossal pyramid of black stone is the relic of a disastrous battle between the forces of darkness and light thousands of years ago.

Though the surface of Malachor has a breathable atmosphere, the air is dead still, and there is no sign of life. The caldera housing the Temple is a tableau of the terrible struggle that took place here so many millennia ago. Scattered through the causeways and crumbling boulders are the petrified figures of the foregone combatants, their hands raised eternally against whatever cataclysm took the life from their bodies. Some still grasp their Jedi weapons, though most likely the life is gone from them too. The pallid white light of the sun spreads unhindered through the crater, but it does little to illumine the intrinsic darkness of the stones.

The Sith Temple is not a place of the light side. It is said the very stones react to the touch of the dark side. The pyramid itself is seemingly inaccessible, though its blocked entrance is associated with an old saying: “Two must lift these stones, no more, no less.” Despite its undeniable age, the crater is littered with signs of a more recent calamity; ash and debris, columns toppled outwards from the Temple, broken arches. It is as though the millennial dust stirred, briefly, then returned to its repose under the sun.

The dry air seemed to suck the moisture from his mouth, as if the death here continued to eat away at anything living that dared to set foot on Malachor. Tra'an Reith di Plagia stared at the inscription above the door and contemplated its seemingly obvious meaning.

"Two must lift these stones, no more, no less. It seems that cooperation will be required," the Kaleesh mused aloud. The obsidian Magnaguard next to him said nothing, awaiting the next command beyond 'follow'. Flexing his four digit hands anxiously, the di Plagia gave commanded out to assist him.

"Droid, lift the stones." It whirred its acceptance of the command and moved forward, servos straining as it tried to lift one of the massive blocks. Reith also attempted to lift the blocks with his droid, but the stones did not move. "Stop", he commanded his companion, and they both stepped back. It was then that the sound of intrusion reached Tra'an's ears.

It was a distinctive sound, like armored boots. The dust and dead earth did nothing to hide it, and in fact seemed to magnify the sound. The Plaguiean could not hide his contempt as a smaller Kiffar rounded the corner of the temple. Smaller to me, anyways he mused. The Magnaguard made a noise that from a sentient being, would sound like a scoff..

The almost two-meter Kiffar would be as tall or taller than most, but was lacking in stature compared to the Sith before him. The Odanite seemed surprised to see him, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Directly behind and to his left was a protocol droid. It seemed odd and out of place for a non-functional service droid to be in such a hostile climate.

"I will not help you in, if that's why you waited for me." the Kiffar spat. The spittle didn't make it to the ground, absorbed by the very air it seemed. The planet would not want for anything, taking what it pleased from them.

"For a member of Clan Odan Urr, you seem decidedly un-Jedi like. Perhaps you care to test your mettle?" the Kaleesh responded.

Tisto smashed his fists together, discharging the charged capacitors of his shockboxing gloves, before jumping forward, only to be intercepted and turned aside by the Magnaguard as it seized the Jedi by his wrists and held his gloves above their heads. The distinctive snap-hiss of a lightsaber could be heard as a copper glow illuminated the black stone of the Temple entrance, before swiveling to flick away the incoming blaster bolts from what the Plagueian had mis-identified as a protocol droid. The E-XD infiltrator droid was obvious now, with its forearms split out to reveal the hidden blasters within.

The Magnaguard pressed its momentary advantage and threw Tisto clear to the side, before advancing on the Kiffar with an air of menace. Tra'an trusted his droid and ignored the Jedi as he advanced on the Infiltrator droid, ready to dismantle it.

The Odanite spit towards the advancing Magnaguard, and even as the spittle dissolved into the air, the Kiffar slammed his glove into the ground and caused it to shake, almost as if an earthquake had just been unleashed. The Magnaguard droid lost its footing and dropped to its knees as the "Jedi" pushed off from his feet and charged its kneeling form.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 19 June, 2018 2:21 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Tisto smashed his fists together, discharging the charged capacitors of his shockboxing gloves, before jumping forward, only to be intercepted and turned aside by the Magnaguard as it seized the Jedi by his wrists and held his gloves above their heads. The distinctive snap-hiss of a lightsaber could be heard as a copper glow illuminated the black stone of the Temple entrance, before swiveling to flick away the incoming blaster bolts from what the Plagueian had [misidentified] as a protocol droid. The E-XD infiltrator droid was obvious now, with its forearms split out to reveal the hidden blasters within.

This is an interesting extract because you use the droids to engage in combat with the character that doesn't own them. Droids are part of the loadout, so there are no worries there, and I found it to be a breath of fresh air, instead of one person fighting a droid while the other person stands there like an idiot. I also liked how you had Tra'an misidentify Tisto's droid, so it came as a surprise to him when its true nature was revealed. I would like to see more of this in your writing in the future, it's a nice subversion of common tactics and helps the match stand out. One way you could attempt to do this more often is even if you're facing someone who doesn't own a droid, use it but have Tra'an perhaps still presenting himself as a threat, or give the reader an insight into him planning his next move.

Can Be Improved


Commas are pretty easy to slip up on, many people do them too often or too little. In your post, there are a few examples of commas where they were not needed. What makes commas so easy to get wrong is the abundance of rules, each with exemptions that one has to keep in mind. What I'd suggest is reading the post out loud, and I would also recommend getting as many extra pairs of eyes on it as you can.

“DEX,” Tisto called out as he rushed the Magnaguard. “Kill the cowardly organic!”

The E-XD droid cackled mechanically as it bombarded the Kaleesh, distracting him while its pack leader moved to tear apart the enemy droid. The Kaleesh slowed his advance slightly to better counter each blast, but refused to stop. Crimson clashed against copper as it fired, keeping the area dimly lit. Several of its bolts came hurtling back at it, hitting home as the infiltrator droid continued its assault. DEX continued its fire, trying to buy its pack leader time.

“You will fall to me or my leader prey!” it hissed at the organic foe.

“Worthless bucket of bolts,” Tra’an muttered under his breath as he advanced.

Meanwhile, Tisto gathered the Force into his hand again. He felt it coil in his palm as he rushed over to the Magnaguard. He saw it began to stand up, and launched himself forward. The Kiffar brought his palm down on the Magnaguards chest piece, violently releasing the Force. The droid had been built to handle standard damage well, however, due to it trying to stand up, the telekinetic wave smashed against it at unconventional angles. The sound of tearing metal echoed off of a nearby wall as an arm and a leg ripped free from opposite sides of the droid.

The Kiffar looked towards the Plaguian, watching the man as he easily battled blaster shots back at DEX. His loyal droid firing back despite notable damage. The Plaguian had continued his advance while Tisto was distracted. A second later the Kaleesh severed Dex’s head from the rest of the droid.

Seeing his droid fall, Tisto took hold of the Force again, his fist tightening and raising slightly, lifting the broken Magnaguard from the ground. Without thinking he let out a primal scream and threw his hand forward, willing the broken droid towards its owner. It flew unceremoniously at the Dark Jedi, who, for his credit, merely lifted a hand. The broken droid flew into an unseen force and landed on the ground. The boxer watch as Tra’an sighed at the loss of his droid.

“I’ll take your life for that loss of credits Jedi,” the Dark Jedi stated, lunging towards Tisto lightsaber first.

Tisto caught the saber in his left hand before it could hit home. Tra’an couldn’t keep the surprise off his face. He felt the incoming attack, but knew he was too close to dodge. Tisto’s gloved right fist slammed into the Kaleesh’s throat. The Dark Jedi felt a strong surge of electricity follow the blow. It arced around the blow, running the short distance from the blow to tickle his spine. He froze as the Kiffar followed it up with a knee to the groin.

Tra’an released his lightsaber, the blade shutting down and collapsing just as he did. He did his best to throw the pain aside. “Wh..what the.. F..frak happened to your damned Jedi Code and its peace,” he sputtered.

“Oh, pardon me. Here is a Jedi kiss for you runt,” Tisto snapped as he slammed his boot into the Kaleesh’s ribs.

Tra’an took the hit, moving one hand to his ribs, the other to the hilt of his second lightsaber. He let his anger fuel him, feeling the Force fill his body in response to his anger. The dark blue blade ignited as he spun around with rage enhanced speed. Tisto called down on the Force to protect himself the second the area light up, but it wasn’t enough. The saber cut through the barrier with Force enhanced strength. The tip of the blade traced a line from the Kiffar’s right hip to his left shoulder. His nerves cried out in pain that he silenced with the Force, but he knew his face must be pale.

“I’m going to enjoy your death now Kiffar!”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 19 June, 2018 2:20 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Seeing his droid fall, Tisto took hold of the Force again, his fist tightening and raising slightly, lifting the broken Magnaguard from the ground.

This is an interesting extract because you use the loss of Tisto's droid to fuel his actions, this makes sense given that he can be vengeful as mentioned in his Black Knight Aspect. I would encourage to do things like this with your own, but with your opponent's Aspects. It can add to your writing. A few readings of another person's sheet is a good way to get a feel for how their character would act, but you're also allowed to reach out and ask. People would prefer their character be written accurately than not.

Can Be Improved


Commas are one of the easiest things to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each of those has exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. They're often used too much or not enough in writing. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. Additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work improve.

The boxer [watched] as Tra’an sighed at the loss of his droid.

“I’ll take your life for that loss of credits Jedi,”

I've highlighted this extract because Tra'an has the Universal Soldier aspect which mentions "a rigid mind is less compassionate towards individuals" This made me re-read the original post twice, to see if Tra'an had mentioned any emotional attachment for you to have exploited, but I couldn't find any. In the future, be sure to take your opponent's Aspects into account when writing, doing so can only help your posts.

Rage seethed from Tra'an after being humiliated by the scrawnier alien. That same raw emotion manifested with a gesture of his right hand, yanking the remains of the Magnaguard from behind Tisto. The mangled but still functional droid cackled in glee as it sailed towards the Kiffar, causing the injured Odanite to roll to the side, as if to avoid the maniacal laughter. It was not enough as he winced in pain, the scarred flesh pulling as if to rip, slowing him down.

The mechanical hand seized upon the foot of the dodging Jedi and once again giggled in delight as it pulled itself around to slam its foot into the middle of the wound. The driving force of the mechanical leg actuated and changed the center of Tisto’s gravity, interrupting the roll to end up with the Magnaguard underneath the Kiffar as it slammed its leg over and over into the Lightsaber gash.

The relentless mechanical barrage left Tisto gasping in pain, puking the contents of his stomach all over the damaged droidand causing the exposed wiring to spark. The electricity arced across the Seer and the Magnaguard as it short circuited, its face frozen in the rictus of the ecstasy of madness.

Tra'an Reith di Plagia focused on his enemy and willed the Force to weaken its connection to the Kiffar. The effect took up the entirety of the Augur's focus, but slowly and surely became enough to hinder the Jedi's ability to dull the pain from his earlier wound. The scream that ripped from the throat of the collapsed foe was magnificent in its primal pain. The combined damage from the electricity burns and the relentless pounding to his stomach combined into the most beautiful sound the Kaleesh had heard in some time.

"It seems," he spoke with a raspy voice, barely heard above the wind, "that our time together is at an end. I'll send you to the afterlife with your precious droid along for the ride." The Plagueian coughed, suppressing the pain with focus and a touch of the Force, even as the physical damage from the repeated attacks on his throat left it damaged. The former Questor then let go of the effort to maintain the restriction on the Force to the Kiffar. The Odanite sagged with relief as his pain control returned, only to scream as with another gesture, the headless Infiltrator Droid landed on its former Master. With a touch of the Force, a then stream of lightning shocked the bot formerly known as Dex.

Clutching his throat in mild annoyance that even a chuckle continued to bring pain, Tra'an Reith ran for the Pyramid, ducking behind a massive stone block just as the explosion shook the dead world of Malachor IV.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 19 June, 2018 2:18 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Tra'an Reith di Plagia focused on his enemy and willed the Force to weaken its connection to the Kiffar. The effect took up the entirety of the Augur's focus, but slowly and surely became enough to hinder the Jedi's ability to dull the pain from his earlier wound. The scream that ripped from the throat of the collapsed foe was magnificent in its primal pain. The combined damage from the electricity burns and the relentless pounding to his stomach combined into the most beautiful sound the Kaleesh had heard in some time.

What I liked about this is your writing of Suppression. You use it cut off Tisto's source of managing the pain he's in which adds to the later visual with the writing of the scream. Not just using an ability, but writing about the consequences is something that improves a post. As for how you can incorporate this further, I'd suggest taking a little time to think about the opportunities when having a strike or Force power land and if this example is any indication you'll be able to choose when to do so well.

Can Be Improved


The maximum word count for posts in the event was 750 words, and this post ended up at 460. Now while it's commendable you stuck within the limit, I can't help but feel like had you used more of the word count you could have improved the story beyond what it is. Planning the post out before writing is a good idea to help give you some structure, you could even break the post down into narrative sections such as beginning, middle and end or how much is combat vs description and dialogue.

"That was my favorite shirt you Sith sleemo," Tisto spat as he jumped to the right of the incoming Kaleesh.

The Kiffar took off running away from the pyramid, grinning to himself. He had come here after hearing rumors this was the home of some Sith or another and had been hoping for a fight. While this Kaleesh likely wasn't the rumored Sith since the rumors were rather old, he was an interesting fight. Despite blocking out the pain Tisto's left hand began to feel around the slash he had received.

Feels like a small line. Got lucky this time. What kind of Force ability was he using. I can't get stronger and faster at the same damned time! he thought to himself.

The sound of close by foot steps threw off Tisto's train of thought, and he glanced to his right to see the Kaleesh running near him. In the space of three heart beats the Kaleesh was ahead of him and bringing down the blue blade. Half by instinct and half due to a misplaced foot Tisto threw himself into the larger Sith. The two collided as the blue lightsaber connected with Tisto's right leg. The blade pierced through his leg plates as if they were made of paper and cut an inch into his calf before the blade flew from the Sith's hand. The boxer's momentum had knocked Tra'an off his feet and for two seconds the two fell to the ground. Tears formed around the Kiffar's face as they fell, his mind racing to shut off the pain before it rendered him useless. His sight became blurry as they hit the ground with a loud crack.

Tisto grimaced as he looked up, having landed into the Kaleesh. Tra'an hadn't been so lucky and had hit his head on the ground, dazing himself. Half blind from the tears in his eyes, Tisto put his knuckles, and by extension one of his shock gauntlets on the Kaleesh's neck while he was recovering. He didn't have to move all that much to do so, and focused his mind to block out the pain in his leg. He felt Tra'an convulse under him, throwing a hydrospanner in his concentration. Unable to block out the pain, Tisto felt tears slowly roll down his face for the first time in years.

"Y..you screwed up you.. damned sleemo," he managed to sputter out, his voice wet and hollow. "I don't fight... I win."

Tisto slid his hand away from Tra'an's neck. With his other hand he unhooked his lightsaber. The Kiffar pushed himself up as the Kaleesh steadied himself. Tisto set himself to a half kneel over his enemy and looked down at him. He took a second to wipe his face free of tears, his left hand idly holding the lightsaber hilt just above Tra'an's groin. There was the sudden snap hiss of a lightsaber and Tisto activated his own. For a second there was only the combined noise of the two lightsabers. It was followed by an ear piercing scream. Tisto moved his hand away to see his brown blade going trough the Kaleesh's crotch. He winced a little seeing that, empathizing with his enemies pain as he finally dulled out his own.

"Fraking Sleemo," he muttered halfheartedly. "You deserve worse but I need to fix my damned leg. Enjoy life as not a man."

Tisto reached down to his holoprojector, activating it. "Wildcard One. This is Wildcard Two. DEX is down and I'm hurt. I have some not man down. I want an extraction for myself and DEX. Let this guy get out on his own."

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 19 June, 2018 2:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You make sure to feature a lot of combat, which is quite important as an ending is supposed to bring finality to the conflict one way or the other. A way you can do this more is to take time to the previous post, whether by you or your opponent and take note of everything that happened. This way you get an idea early on for what you can do and can boost the quality of your post as a result.

Can Be Improved


Tisto slid his hand away from Tra'an's neck. With his other [hand,] he unhooked his lightsaber. The Kiffar pushed himself up as the Kaleesh steadied himself. Tisto set himself to a half kneel over his enemy and looked down at him.

So what that sticks out here, is that despite having his leg cut into earlier in the post, Tisto seems to have not been affected by when he hops up. You mention Tisto setting himself in a half kneel, but this comes across as Tisto choosing to put himself in that position as opposed to trying to jump up but his leg giving out due to the pain. In the future, I’d encourage you to look at injuries, written in your own posts or not, and write around them.