Battlelord Taranae Rhode vs. Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii

Battlelord Taranae Rhode

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Togruta, Sith, Marauder
Comment

First of all, let me congratulate you both for finishing this match, I know there were RL issues that affected this match and the fact you both completed your posts is a testament to your commitment to the ACC. On top that it was also a fun match to read.

Abadeer, you do well to establish the motive for Taranae being present, but there’s no explanation for what Abadeer was doing on the Matron. I would’ve like to see this tackled as it could’ve provided even more depth to the story and helped you there. There were some repeated punctuation errors but on the whole, I enjoyed your posts, and I think you have some real strengths to build on.

Taranae, the major thing between your posts was that lightsaber strike to the back in your first post. Simply put, the fight shouldn’t have really continued past that. However, that’s not to say you didn’t write well, you did, and on the whole, you remained competitive throughout. Clear up a few issues noted in the comments, and I could see you reach a higher level.

That said, thanks again for taking part and I hope you both learned some things to help you improve your writing and had fun. There needs to be a winner, and Taranae Rhode is the winner in this case.

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Taranae Rhode, Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii
Winner Battlelord Taranae Rhode
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Taranae Rhode's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 18 June, 2018 8:46 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Some issues with commas crop up in your second post, but there’s nothing major taking from the story. Rationale: Some persistent errors throughout, but nothing that detracts from the reading of the post.
Story - 40%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You make strong use of the environment to add a sense of atmosphere to your posts but lacked a real twist which could've improved the score. Rationale: You do some good writing throughout, but there wasn’t much combat in your first post that hurts you here.
Realism - 25%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: As discussed down in the comments, a miswriting of the Telekinetic Wave Feat causes a lowering of the score here. You also ignore what would be a pretty sizable wound, and suggest protection being offered by the cloak that wouldn’t be provided given it was more than a glancing strike. Rationale: No errors here.
Continuity - 20%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No errors spotted. Rationale: You contradict your depiction of Taranae in your second post, you have her wounded at first but still able to perform actions that would require being in a much healthier condition.
Envoy Taranae Rhode's Score: 4.27 Abadeer Taasii's Score: 3.85
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended arena. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

Taranae pushed through the rowdy crowd, the jeering and chanting was just on the verge of overwhelming. In the center of the mob was a large circle, where two humanoids were locked in combat. One, a medium built male human with a long blonde ponytail and several scars, the other a tall, muscular Togrutan male. The form of the two fighters was terrible, no skill, just strength against strength, as the two grappled each other for control.

It only took a moment, but the blonde human slipped in his stance. In the second of hesitation the Togruta warrior ducked low under his opponents arms, wrapping him in a tight hold, before lifting him up over his head in a rudimentary suplex maneuver. The stunning blow put the blonde fighter out in one go. Taranae clapped politely as she watched the Togruta, Abadeer Taasii, rise to his feet before going to retrieve a towel to wipe down his sweaty torso. The crowd of pirates on the other hand were going wild at the brutal display.

Taranae pushed her way through to the center, getting a few angry glances and glares.

“So... it’s the absent Wrath of Plagueis, or should I say, former Wrath of Plagueis.” Abadeer turned with a dark look in his eye, recognizing instantly the familiar voice. “We’ve been looking for you for a long time. Who knew I’d find you here.” Abadeer spun fully around, controlling his emotions and forcing the dark look away.

“Mistress Taranae, and to what do I owe this pleasure of your visit?” Taasii raised his voice just above the level of the mob.

“You’ve been gone too long, and unfortunately that is bad for business. I’ve been sent to make sure you haven’t been... too talkative.” She drew a long double bladed lightsaber handle. “I think I’ll step in next if that’s alright?” At this the pirates got even louder in excitement.

Abadeer’s eyes surveyed the Battlelord’s figure up and down. He shrugged, a cocky smile spreading across his lips.

“That’s fine with me, I’ll let you have your fight but I don’t think it’ll end the way you think it will.” Abadeer dropped the towel, before unsheathing his dual saber handles. Almost in unison three crimson blades, and a single alabaster saber ignited with a deadly hiss, promising only death for one of the duelists.

Abadeer made the first move, his body a blur of extreme speed, augmented by his expert use of harnessing the Force. His blades spun in a dance of death, making his attack difficult to predict. Taranae responded with an offensive front of her own. The Sith clashed blades, the double bladed saber going in for a horizontal slash, while the single blades stopped in their tracks, one on top and one underneath the saber staff. Abadeer grinned wickedly before spinning the dual blade with all his might clockwise. Taranae let the movement happen, merely allowing her weapon to go into a controlled spin before stopping it expertly and launching into another furious attack. The pirates jeered loudly at the exciting clash of the two very offensive fighters. This was the best fight they’d see all month.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 June, 2018 3:34 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You did a good job of setting up a plausible narrative for this match, with Abadeer's past catching up to him in the form of Taranae. To further incorporate this kind of thing into your writing, you should see if there's any kind of pre-existing story for the match or go about creating one where there isn't. Looking at someone's unit, path, order and character sheet are good ways to determine sources of conflict.

Can Be Improved


Commas are one of the easiest things to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each of those has exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. They're often used too much or not enough in writing. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. One proofer, two proofers, three or four proofers, additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work.

I also feel like more could have been done in the way of the fight between Taranae and Abadeer. You set it up for most of the post and then give the last paragraph to combat. I believe you could have made more of the word count. Planning out the post before you start writing is one way in which this can be done. You could divide it into beginning, middle, and end or by the type of writing, combat, dialogue etc.

As Abadeer took the brunt of the red haired Sith’s attack, he detected a change in her emotions as her anger poured from her in waves and his senses screamed. He braced himself and brought his lightsaber to bear just as Taranae threw her hand forward and tendrils of electric hate snaked towards him with speed. His lightsaber connected with the electricity and grounded it as he slowly fought the pressure. Taranae saw that he had her attack under control and the jagged streaks of light fizzled out as abruptly as they had begun.

“A nice show, Mistress Taranae,” he said as he stepped back in a defensive stance. “Now let me see if I can match it.”

Holding one saber across his back and the other outstretched before him, he grinned as he leaped at her. Taranae spun her saberstaff as he soared through the air and sliced it violently through the space her opponent was due to land. She missed her target by millimetres as Abadeer landed then immediately feinted to her left, aiming to get onto her weaker side. He spun and swept both sabers across each other in a vicious slice aimed at the Battlelord’s midriff.

Taranae’s senses had screamed at her at the exact moment she had swung her staff to meet Abadeer’s incoming attack. As her saber swept empty air, she used its momentum to arc it around her body. Using her hands together, she swung it around and firmly lodged the blade between her opponent’s scissor cutting sabers. The interlocking sabers hissed and sparked as both combatants fought the strength of the other and their faces shone red from the glow. The combatants paused for a moment as they both grinned at each other.

“You’re definitely a seasoned fighter, Togruta, but you don’t have the upper hand just yet,” Taranae remarked. “I’m only just warming up.”

The crowd of pirates cheered loudly as credits passed from hand to hand. Betting was a normal pastime in the arena, but this fight had drawn more bodies to the fight than any other. Betting favored the redhead, but almost as many on the Togruta who was holding his own but sweating fiercely. There were shouts of encouragement for both parties, but more were aimed at Abadeer as his supporters saw their credits slipping away.

Taranae quickly spun around in a full circle, holding her saberstaff in place until the last moment. She released her hold on the Togrutas’ blades and aimed a foot directly at the Equite’s temple. Abadeer dodged the attack a moment before it hit and spun on his heels as he swung his sabers across the Sith’s back. As her momentum carried the kick around, she started to jump forward out of the way but failed at the last moment as Abadeer’s alabaster blade slashed across her back, pausing slightly as it melted a hole through her armorweave cloak. She hissed as it bit into her robes and scored a hit on her skin, only the armour of her cloak preventing a serious injury. Her nemesis smiled as he regained his composure. He held his weapon ready as Taranae stood hunched with her back turned, breathing heavily.

“Now do I have the upper hand?” he mocked. “I’m sure that’s going to leave a mark.”

Taranae’s breathing became heavier as she turned slowly. Her eyes were hooded and her face was set in a snarl. Pure spite burned behind her gaze and Abadeer wondered what had just happened. She begun a spin of the staff above her head with one hand as she clenched her other fist in rage.

“Now I will show you the true power I possess.” she spat with an evil smirk.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 June, 2018 3:35 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Taranae’s senses had screamed at her at the exact moment she had swung her staff to meet Abadeer’s incoming attack. As her saber swept empty air, she used its momentum to arc it around her body. Using her hands together, she swung it around and firmly lodged the blade between her opponent’s scissor cutting sabers. The interlocking sabers hissed and sparked as both combatants fought the strength of the other and their faces shone red from the glow. The combatants paused for a moment as they both grinned at each other.

Here you do a good job of writing a sequence in the combat between Abadeer and Taranae. This is something I'd like to see more of in the future. One way you could include this more in your writing is to visualise things you want to happen in the battle and write them down, then as you're going along, you can add in these moments where appropriate.

Can Be Improved


[...] only the armour of her cloak preventing a serious injury.[...]

There's an issue here because earlier it is written that the lightsaber manages to get through the cloak and her robes and onto her skin. To provide a canon example, in Episode II Dooku lands a light strike to Obi-Wan that incapacitates him. A strike to the back is just as, if not more limiting on movement because the potential exists for spinal damage. Similarly, there's also the moment Kylo Ren briefly slices Finn's back. To avoid doing this in the future, be sure to search out any canon examples of the type of wound you want to inflict in your writing and use that as a guide. Alternatively, if you want to write such things, be sure to have it damage the character in some way. For further explanation, a glancing strike is one that means to strike a surface or object indirectly, especially so as to bounce off at an angle.

The Sith Juggernaut began to show her true strength now, attacking fiercely with all of her might. Abadeer struggled to keep up with the furious onslaught. Taranae, now wounded, fought just like a wounded and wild animal. Her blows had almost no forethought or strategy, but she was making up for it with her heavy blows.

Taasii was pushed back onto his heels, not able to keep his footing properly underneath himself. The rage could be felt from off of the beast in front of him like waves. He hesitated for a moment trying to decide which strategy to use, allowing himself to fall into rage himself or to stay cool and collected. Unfortunately a moment of hesitation was more than enough of an opening for Taranae to jump in and fully dominate the duel.

Abadeer decided to stay focused and use strategy, the opposing Sith would out class him in ferocity all day. He gathered his senses around the Force, and lept back with one powerful bound to get some space. Taranae wouldn’t let up, but he now had a second to collect himself. He crouched low, getting into a defensive stance, covering any openings. He danced his lightsabers around with grace now trying to deflect blows rather than absorb the impact, somewhat lessening the strain on his aching muscles. The red haired Sith wouldn’t give him the chance of an opening though, the saber staff being a perfect weapon for constant attack, after every blow she could pull back also turning that motion into another attack. Her patterns were broken down, and her form was nearly unreadable, making it almost impossible for the Togruta to develop a counter strategy.

Abadeer jumped back one more time, this time immediately reversing direction to be able to rush in with his own attack. He slashed both sabers horizontally, one high and one low to catch the juggernaut in his attack. Instead she deactivated her lightsaber and jumped at the Togruta, maneuvering her body to flow right through the empty space. Taranae tucked and rolled landing on one knee right behind Abadeer, activating her lightsaber in a flash to cut perfectly across his hamstring. Abadeer groaned loudly before falling to his knees. Taranae stood over him now, a dark crimson slowly receding from her eyes as she looked down on her fallen opponent.

“Pathetic.” Abadeer heard only the one word before he felt a boot connect with his temple and he knew no more.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 June, 2018 3:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Abadeer decided to stay focused and use strategy, the opposing Sith would [outclass] him in ferocity all day.

While it's not a large section, I enjoyed this because Abadeer's taking into account his strengths as well as what he'd witnessed from Taranae thus far to come to a sound strategic decision. I think this kind of feature is a strength in your writing and you could strengthen your post by including more assessment type stuff between the combat but not overwhelming it.

Can Be Improved


Taranae, now wounded, fought just like a wounded and wild animal. Her blows had almost no forethought or strategy, but she was making up for it with her heavy blows.

I just wanted to highlight this because Taranae mentions specifically not being too affected by the strike, but wounded makes it seem like she's more hurt than mentioned previously. You also go on to have her perform an act that, if she were wounded, she'd have some difficulty pulling off. To avoid this in the future, I'd encourage you to read through your opponent's post after writing something and seeing if it is logically consistent, the same with later actions in your own post. I believe you can do this fairly easily and improve your writing as a result.

Steeling herself mentally, Taranae slammed her fist into the ground, sending a massive shockwave of raw power that radiated outwards from her position. The cheers and shouts of the pirates ended abruptly as the deck shook and all present stumbled backwards and fell haphazardly, away from the point of impact. Bodies tumbled over each other and the gamblers who landed first quickly staggered to their feet and ran in all directions, their bets forgotten. Only one thing gripped their minds; escape. They knew when to cut and run and they realised that this was one of those situations

Abadeer sensed the build up of energy as his foe’s fist descended as if in slow motion, he jumped and twisted towards her. Hoping to break through the energy that sped towards him, his sabers spun wildly about him as he concentrated and aimed a flurry of blows at Taranae’s position. He saw his opponent rise and spin to her right in one fluid movement. He landed to her rear as his blades spun. Pivoting on one foot, he redirected his blows towards her and was met with a flurry of saberstaff strikes to equal his own. Sparks flew as blade connected with blade and sweat beaded down each combatant’s forehead as they struggled for dominance. Abadeer found he was gaining ground at a very slow pace. He was driving her back but she had a sly grin on her face as she tried to bat away his strikes. What was she planning?

As they both slowly moved around the arena with blades spinning and their bodies twisting and cartwheeling, it seemed that both would tire. Suddenly the Sith seemed to pause and she gestured, causing a dense pirate who hadn’t had the common sense to run with the others to fly at Abadeer, sending him sprawling to the ground. He inhaled sharply as the wind escaped his lungs like a suddenly deflated balloon and lay gasping as he fought for breath. The pirate lay yards away, bones broken.

A crimson blade appeared before Taasii’s throat and as Taranae loomed over him looking exhausted, her deep, raspy voice muttered, “I should kill you now. I was sent to bring you back to the Pinnacle and you decided to test your might with me. I hope you satisfied your needs but now,you will return with me.”

Abadeer had never heard this tone from the former Blade of The Fallen and he couldn’t even guess what had happened to make her change this way. But he decided to cut his losses. “Agreed. You fight well Mistress Taranae, but I almost had you there.”

You,” she motioned to a cowering pirate, “Bring him.”

The pirate took one look at both before him and turned tail, fleeing the scene.

She sighed. “If you want something done…” she said, holstering her staff and unclipping her blasters. She aimed them at her downed foe’s head. “Up.” she commanded. Abadeer rose slowly as he gazed down the barrels of two DL-44s. He brushed himself off and marched ahead of Taranae to face the Inquisitor’s questions at the Pinnacle.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 June, 2018 3:37 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Sparks flew as blade connected with blade and sweat beaded down each combatant’s forehead as they struggled for dominance. Abadeer found he was gaining ground at a very slow pace. He was driving her [back,] but she had a sly grin on her face as she tried to bat away his strikes. What was she planning?

This is a well-written combat sequence that shows the physical toll taken on both characters and that Abadeer's physical prowess is giving him an advantage, but also that Taranae isn't exactly trying to push him back. I would encourage you to feature more of this type of thing in your writing. One way of doing this would be to look at a combat exchange and ask yourself if adding things like the sweat or the mental aspect would enhance the reader's visual image.

Can Be Improved


Steeling herself mentally, Taranae slammed her fist into the ground, sending a massive shockwave of raw power that radiated outwards from her position. The cheers and shouts of the pirates ended abruptly as the deck shook and all present stumbled backwards and fell haphazardly, away from the point of impact.

So I've highlighted this section for a couple of reasons. First off, actually for a positive reason. I think this is good writing of the Telekinetic Wave feat being used. The issue I have is it appears to be written to have a larger area of effect as intended. The range of the staggering impact is only half a meter, so not that far, yet the pirates who are likely to be many meters away were staggered. To clean up stuff like this, I would encourage you to read the descriptions of feats. Force Powers and skills are good to read too, but those are more guides than exhaustive descriptions.