The words had barely left the Nautolan’s mouth before the audience turned on him. The heckling had switched to cursing. From above, a Trandoshan spat at the Nautolan, which hit its mark on the side of Raiju’s face. However, this all quickly turned into applause as Raiju felt pressure on his throat. He writhed in place as he struggled against the sudden chokehold he found himself in.
The woman had used the crowd as a distraction to get the jump on him. Instinct buried Raiju's thoughts as he clawed at her arm and failed to find a grip. In addition, he now felt the woman’s legs fix themselves around his waist and felt her body stretch; putting more pressure on his windpipe.
I’m going to snap this kriffing woman’s neck! The Nautolan thought to himself, Totally gonna yell something catchy when I do it, too…
Despite the Nautolan’s thoughts, he knew he didn’t have time to waste with revenge fantasies. The woman shifted her weight like she was trying to roll Raiju on his side, likely to pin one of his arms. Yet, the Nautolan struggled to maintain his spot on top of the woman and cautiously stretched his right arm over his shoulder, feeling for the woman’s face. As his hand came close; Raiju felt the woman shift her weight at the last minute and he had to stop to adjust. Finally, as if she had given up shifting and just focused on keeping his windpipe close, the woman stopped and that allowed the Nautolan to pinpoint her location.
He snapped his wrist backwards and activated the bracer strapped to his arm. A slender blade immediately appeared and then quickly vanished as the Nautolan drove it deep into Scarlett’s eye. Wrenching the blade out, Raiju noticed the blood now painting his hand. More importantly, the arm around his neck loosened and he wormed his head out of her grapple.
Rolling off the woman’s body, the Nautolan inched away from the corpse. A hacking cough cleared his airways and a deep gasp echoed from Raiju as he crawledl.
It was the shadow that fell over him that finally brought the Nautolan back to reality. Looking up from his place on the floor, Raiju noticed most of the pirates from the control room had emptied it and now surrounded him. Yet, for the moment, they held off their vigilante justice and waited upon a small Ithorian to speak through the protocol droid accompanying him..
“You clearly knew the rules of the match, Raiju. No Weapons, fists only.”
“Aye and I also knew the penalty; my winnings would be forfeit. Good thing for me, my winnings were already forfeit.” Raiju replied with a grin, taking the time to rise from the floor as well. “Rules didn’t apply to me.”
“The rules most certainly applied to you, as your winnings alone do not cover your debt and your disqualification doesn’t get me anything.”
“No, but it did get all your bookies paid for you - which you get a percentage of.” Raiju then proceeded to point at the sour looking man in black, whom now stood at the edge of the crowd. “And it did pay him, betting on a D.Q., who’s willing to buy out my debt to you.”
“And why would he want that?” This time after the protocol droid finished, it was the sour looking man that spoke; stepping forward though refusing to pull down his hood. While Raiju imagined few among them would recognize the Voice of the Brotherhood, the authority in the man’s tone even put him on edge.
“Because the Nautolan can be useful to me,” the man was firm with his statement, especially as he continued from over his shoulder as he walked away. “But this is a limited opportunity for you to make back your credits from him. I won’t be negotiating for a creature that could be easily replaced by either of us.”
“‘Fine-”
“Your payment is with your bookie.” The Voice cut off the protocol droid with a shout. At no point did the man pause for the Nautolan to catch up, forcing the still panting Raiju to awkwardly ramble a sarcastic goodbye to the Ithorian before he took off running. When he had caught up, as the Voice entered the turbolift, doubt finally set in on Raiju.
What have I got myself into now. He thought to himself as the doors closed on the pair.
Positive Takeaways
This is an example of really wonderful descriptions. It's clear at a glance what the tones would be like. This level of detail can be seen throughout the writing. The match itself isn't tossed together without consideration for reason. It's crafted with purpose and put to the page. That detail, when plied alongside combat, is a dangerous threat for any ACC combatant.
Areas For Improvement
I recognized this in the writing very quickly, and more so because I've fallen into the same trap and got called on it. Looking at the first paragraph as an example, from a sentence structure perspective what is most common? They all flow as "something happens" then a comma, then "something happening". Each and every one. I did this myself for the entirety of a match. It's not something that is technically wrong, in and of itself, but it has an effect on reading and flow. Something to be more aware of and something I'm pointing to as a similar addict of the structure.
While italics were employed, this thought dialogue still should be treated as dialogue. That means punctuation and comma rules. In this case, a comma after "easy" should be added. Would also flow better as "they each thought". Other syntax issues can be seen with some tense dancing, as seen with an entire sentence following "-ing" verbs.
Overall, the real area I'd like to see for improvement would be for the pacing of your story. In the ACC, combat is a required part of story. A great rule of thumb I try to follow is to space out roughly 50% of my post content to be combat related, be it interwoven with dialogue and pauses or not. As this is the opening post, it's important to set up motivations and context while also hopping into the action of the combat. The set-up is done really well, but it's all building up without payoff. The writing didn't reach the word count ceiling, so there was room to play and it's unfortunate that this was missed.