Seer Aiden Lee Deshra vs. Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Seer Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 3, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the Operation Tempered Iron ACC event!

This match was difficult to judge but in a good way. Both of you are top tier writers and I had to really dig deep to give meaningful feedback. This match was a pleasure to read and an honor to judge so let me congratulate you both at the outset for a match well fought.

Syntax-wise this is one of the cleanest matches I've ever judged. Rhylance had some noticeable slip-ups in his final post but otherwise very few errors. Lucine gets the edge because I almost couldn't find fault with her posts, which isn't to say they were perfect but she demonstrated a consistent championship level of polish. Realism became the biggest score differential for this match but overall the skills, force powers and character aspects were not only used properly but creatively. Rhylance did have the one actual realism error and a bit of faulty characterization that ended up going to story rather than counting as a realism error. In Story you were both strong, but had room for improvement. Rhylance came out with a solid opening post and somewhat unique premise for the character conflict. Lucine's first post felt like a stop and start rather than a build up from Rhylance's opening but her ending grabbed my attention as a reader and kept me guessing until the very end. The final moments of Lucine's ending did leave me a bit unsatisfied with the resolution of the conflict. Rhylance's ending was action-packed but felt one-sided in Aiden's favor (which is never as entertaining to a third party reader as it is to you the author) and really out of character for Lucine's character in the latter half of the post.

There must be a winner in every match and even absent the realism issue, Lucine would still have the edge in syntax and story. Again, a top tier showing from both of you but Lucine is the winner.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Aiden Lee Deshra, Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Winner Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 13 September, 2018 2:27 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Rhylance Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: You had a few stray typos in your final post but otherwise your posts were exceptionally clean. Rationale: In both your posts I found maybe one actual error and a few places where you could have varied up your sentence structure to greater effect. Great work!
Story - 40%
Dr. Rhylance Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Your opening post was well-paced and used the characters and venue well. You faltered some in your final post in that it felt a little too one-sided in Aiden's favor and out of character at the very end for Lucine. My comments to the final post go into some more detail but if your final post had been consistent with your opening you'd be closer to 5 territory. Rationale: Your first post hurt you in that you ground the tension from the opening post to a screeching halt and slowly built it back up. Your final post was excellent in regard to pacing and reader engagement but the ending felt abrupt. Consistent pacing and a more satisfying conclusion would have put you in the realm for a 5 in story.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Rhylance Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had the one illusion error in your opening post and a close call in your final post with how you portrayed Lucine. See my comments to those posts. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Rhylance Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.2 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.72
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics—to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Countless scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

The clacking sounds of shoes meeting metal echoed down the deserted hallway as Lucine Vasano walked. The wreckage of the fallen Star Destroyer was inspiring to her. Feelings of both awe and disgust swept over her as she took in the exalted beauty and dilapidated destruction that was once noble menace.

“This place is filthy. Why did I come here again?” the redhead asked herself aloud as she explored the immense Imperial vessel.

Oh, right, she remembered.

She had received an encrypted message on her holopad requesting her audience in the main hangar of the ship. She would have ignored it, but the messenger claimed to have information from her master, Atyiru, before the Consul’s tragic demise. As much as the Arconan wanted to disregard the message, something told her the information was correct. So Lucine made her way to Jakku.

This better not be just a wild wompratchase, she thought to herself as she slowly made her way down the darkened hallway. The only light was the random beams made through the holes littered in the side of the ship hull. As Lucine approached a door and forced it open, she stopped in her tracks and concentrated. Sure enough, she could hear a faint, melodic tune echoing from the hallway in front of her. Following the music she passed through several winding halls and stairways, passing the remains of several fallen Stormtroopers and Imperial Naval personnel.

“So grotesque. I cannot wait to get off this rock.”

Finally, Lucine found herself within the hangar bay of the fallen ship. She scanned the area and saw only one living figure. Not entirely trusting whoever it was, she focused on the Force around her to shroud herself in its power. Her appearance began to shift in a glimmer of light. Her long flowing red hair became a short brown. Green eyes became a dark, almost black color. And her outer garb resembled the look of the Jakku scavengers. Stepping forward into the room, she maintained her facade.

The figure was a male with black hair that was pulled into a ponytail. He wore black robes with electric blue trimming, and one sleeve was bare, allowing his metallic arm to gleam in the beam of light in which he sat atop a downed and forgotten TIE fighter with his legs crossed. He played a beautiful tune she had never heard before with a silvery metal flute.

“Hello. What are you doing here? This ship is mine to scavenge today,” she said, announcing her presence.

The man’s playing ceased and his eyes opened, narrowing on her. He looked like he was inspecting her before his eyes closed again and his lip curled into a slight grin.

“My apologies,” he began with a hint of sarcasm. “I was merely looking for a spot to meditate and play some music. It relaxes me. I have no intention of scavenging this ship. I’m actually waiting for an acquaintance. Redhead woman with green eyes and a slight attitude problem. Ring a bell?”

She could hear the mocking tone in his voice, and it annoyed her. Had this man seen through her illusion?

“Sorry, haven't seen her. I’ll be going now. I have parts to salvage so I can eat tonight,” she said, turning on her feet. This didn’t feel right, it felt like a trap.

“Okay, that’s enough of that, Ms. Vasano. Wouldn’t you agree?” the man's voice cut the air sharply. “I have been informed about your love of illusions. You’re quite good at it too. I knew where to look, but if I hadn’t I’d have not noticed.”

Standing still, Lucine dropped her concentration and the glamor went away. She folded her arms and stared the sitting man down.

“Now that you’re you, my name is Aiden. I knew Atty, and I am friends with your fellow apprentice Zujenia.”

“Your point? Why am I here?” she asked him, clearly annoyed. “I have things to do, so why waste my time?”

Aiden merely grinned before standing up. “Atty told me you were like this. She was right. You could use some balance.” he responded with intrigue.

“Balance? I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“I was asked that in the possibility of her demise, I assess your skills and teach you of the balance. Atyiru hoped it might save you.” Aiden looked slightly downcast at the mention of the Shadow Lady’s name.

“I’m good. Thanks for bringing me to this junk hole. I really appreciate it. Now, I’m leaving.” Lucine was not happy. Having her master used against her like this, it wasn’t a good feeling.

As she stepped towards the exit, she felt the Force screaming inside of her. Turning back to face Aiden, she saw him landing next to her with his palm slamming into the ground. Lucine felt herself knocked off her feet by a wave of invisible energy. As her back hit the ground, the air was knocked from her lungs.

A loud hiss broke her from her daze as a silvery white plasma blade was pointed at her. Aiden looked down at her with a gleam in his eye.

“Stand up and defend yourself.”

Lucine got to her feet. She pulled her lightsaber and channeled the Force into her once again. Activating the blade and readying herself, she waited for his strike. Aiden held his curved hilt in his right hand and with a simple elegance he struck forward. Lucine stayed on the move, swerving through the silvery swings and keeping herself just out of his reach. It didn’t last long as Aiden swiped at her feet, but his blade phased through the now-ending illusion.

“She is good,” he said to himself as he turned off his blade and reached out with his feelings, searching for the escaping Arconan.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 19 September, 2018 5:33 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This was an excellent opening post that set the scene, set up the conflict between the characters and integrated a significant amount of action. There were a lot of little touches in your descriptions and word choices that set this post apart in a good way.


Can Be Improved

Lucine got to her feet. She pulled her lightsaber and channeled the Force into her once again.

It may seem a bit nitpicky but this is a spot where you could have varied your word use up some. You use "her" three times in two sentences.

Lucine stayed on the move, swerving through the silvery swings and keeping herself just out of his reach. It didn’t last long as Aiden swiped at her feet, but his blade phased through the now-ending illusion.

This passage was great from a story standpoint but troubled me from a realism standpoint. Lucine had just had the wind knocked out of her, had a lightsaber pointed in her face and managed to dodge strikes from a skilled Makashi user. Aiden on the other hand has +3 Perception and it has already been established he knows she likes to use illusions. As written this passage seems to show Aiden having uninterrupted line of sight with his opponent so when did she make the slip and leave the illusion behind? I always try to read passages in such a way as to avoid a realism error but in this case I don't see how the error can be avoided without changing what you wrote. You had Aiden break her illusion earlier in the post then he pretty much keeps her in his sights so there's no point where she could have swapped with the illusion. This is a minor realism error.

Aiden did not have to look far. He sensed a presence near the hangar bay entrance. As he turned his attention toward the person he sensed there, she lifted her hands and began to clap slowly.

“Well done, darling. You did a masterful job defeating that illusion,” she said with a coy smile. “Now Aiden, we are all friends here. Please tell me why you are really here.”

The Seer felt a sudden surge of friendliness toward the Sith. He felt like he could tell her anything, and the depth of their amity was such that he felt no reason to hide anything from her. Yet as he opened his mouth to speak, he realized what was going on, and what the Sith had likely done to make him more amenable to talking. Were it not for his extensive training in mental defenses, she would have had him wrapped around her little finger. “I already told you,” he replied. “I am here at Atyiru’s request to help you find balance.”

The redhead’s smile took a slight edge, though her tone remained sweet. “My my, how very altruistic of you! And quite convenient too, since my former Master is no longer around to confirm your story.”

As she spoke, she drew her lightsaber from her belt and began to walk slowly toward Aiden. The Seer watched her warily as she approached. “It’s not a story. It’s the truth,” he said simply.

“Of course you would say that,” the Sith replied with a slight chill in her voice. She ignited her lightsaber, the emerald blade casting a green glow upon their surroundings. But instead of attack, she simply stopped a few feet away from him. “After all, it would ruin the game if you simply admitted what you were up to.”

Aiden’s eyes narrowed. “You think this is a game?”

“No, but evidently you do. Why else would you think that such a pathetic lie would convince me?” The words had only just left her lips when the Sith struck, lunging forward with a blow that was aimed at the Seer’s chest. But Aiden was prepared for her attack. With a short, precise movement he deflected the blow, before seamlessly moving to counterattack. Lucine blocked it as she stepped backward, before falling into a defensive stance.

“What makes you think I’m lying?” Aiden asked as he moved forward to test her defense with a flurry of blows.

“Let me see. You appear out of nowhere, claiming a close relationship to someone who can neither confirm nor deny it. You offer your assistance out of some altruistic motive. But there is a catch, is there not? For you to be able to help me, then I have to trust you.” Lucine tsked as she knocked his blade aside again and again. “Sorry, darling, but you have chosen the wrong mark. I have performed that particular ruse often enough to recognize when it is being played on me.”

Aiden did not immediately respond, instead choosing to continue to test her defense. She was reasonably proficient in the Soresu form. However, she was relying primarily on defense, utilizing parries and riposts instead of attacking outright. The Seer was uncertain if this was due to a difference of skill or if she was beginning to get tired. Either way, it meant the fight was unlikely to last much longer. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind,” he said at last, punctuating his words with a quick slash of his blade.

The Sith shifted to the side and blocked the blow “Not quite, I could still be convinced. All you would have to do is let me into your mind. If you are telling the truth, then I should be able to discern it from your thoughts fairly quickly,” the Sith replied.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 19 September, 2018 6:33 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The Seer felt a sudden surge of friendliness toward the Sith. He felt like he could tell her anything, and the depth of their amity was such that he felt no reason to hide anything from her. Yet as he opened his mouth to speak, he realized what was going on, and what the Sith had likely done to make him more amenable to talking.

I loved this depiction of mind trick.


Can Be Improved

Your big sin in this post is one of pacing. First, the way you transition from Rhylance's post into yours feels like you're trying to re-do the opening post instead of continuing the flow of the action like a second post should. You essentially stop the fight for some dialogue then have to start it up again. Rhylance's post ended on a high tension note and you sort of threw cold water on it then heated up again.

Second, once the fighting does resume you have an almost absurd amount of dialogue mid-fight.

Lucine tsked as she knocked his blade aside again and again.

This passage in particular stands out because Lucine delivers almost a paragraph of dialogue while defending Aiden's attacks. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dialogue. Your writing style is very similar to my own. I went back and re-watched the chatty duelist scene from the Princess Bride for reference on how much dialogue one could reasonably get into a melee duel (it seemed especially apt since Aiden uses makashi). The problem isn't the amount of dialogue itself it's how the dialogue and action descriptions aren't always woven together as well as they could be.

“No, but evidently you do. Why else would you think that such a pathetic lie would convince me?” The words had only just left her lips when the Sith struck, lunging forward with a blow that was aimed at the Seer’s chest.

This is a spot where you wove the dialogue and action together well. At the risk of rambling I'll simply say in the future think about what the characters are doing while they are delivering their lines and try to intersperse action descriptors into a large chunk of dialogue to keep the flow.

Aiden scoffed at the ridiculous request. In truth, he could see that Atyiru’s apprentice was losing herself to her fears. She feared trust, and was not confident in her physical abilities and so she held herself back. Against anyone else, she would be quickly dispatched. Aiden took a few steps back before disengaging his silver blade. He hooked the hilt back to his belt.

“I can see that you are studied in your saber arts, but your defense could still use some work. Your offense is nonexistent. Without proper training you will not last long, Lucine, and that is not what your master would have wanted.”

As the Balance-Adherent spoke he focused on the Sith in front of him. He could feel her connection to the Force, the very bond that flowed through all living things binding the galaxy together. Tapping into the dark side of the Force, he concentrated hard and weakened her ability to wield the mystical energy temporarily. Lucine needed to understand the simple truth: she wasn’t strong enough yet. She was unbalanced.

“You really expect me to believe that my dead master sent you to me? Darling, you must think I am as witless as you are looking right now.” Lucine was having none of his obvious lies. “I can’t trust you, and without trust we have nothing.”

Aiden lowered his head and grinned before letting out a sigh.

“I have taken down my mental barriers. Feel free to check the truth for yourself,” he said as he extended his left arm to the side in a welcoming manner.

Lucine kept her saber at the ready. She lightly reached out with her feelings to test the man’s claim. Shock flooded her system as she realized she felt nothing. She tried again, adding more into her intent, but still she felt nothing. It was like an absence of the Force. Her eyes widened slightly before she tried running Aiden through with her emerald blade. For a split fraction she felt a feint warning from the Force, but it was too late. As the lightsaber moved towards the Gray Jedi, a shortened hilt flew out of his left sleeve and into his accompanying hand. an amethyst beam of light erupted out with a hiss, easily carving through the Sith’s lightsaber hilt with the flick of his wrist.

Aiden’s right hand grasped hold of his other lightsaber hilt and activated the silver plasma beam before bringing the searing blade to the redhead’s throat. Defenseless and surprised by her lack of connection to the Force, Lucine glared at her opponent. Her pride was wounded, and her confidence shaken. Her calculating mind began trying to figure out a scenario for victory. Aiden merely shook his head while observing her.

“Your mind games and tricks will only take you so far, Vasano. You have become what Atyiru feared, a lost child, afraid to trust anyone to get close to her. A scavenger who preys upon the weak-willed to boost her own power and prestige. Atty would have been ashamed of who you’ve become.”

Aiden disengaged his blades and stored them in their rightful spots. He walked away from the red-faced Arconan.

“If you’d like to improve yourself, come speak with me later. Oh...and maybe create a better lightsaber.”

Lucine stewed in anger at his apparent mocking tone. She pulled out her blaster and fired at his back. Aiden felt the Force warning him and pulling him to the side, away from the blaster bolt. His Shoto saber was pulled into his grasp from within his sleeve and he activated the purple blade before throwing it with all his strength. The saber flew through the air, the Force curving it's trajectory slightly at Aiden's directing, before embedding itself within the redheads left leg.

Lucine let out a shrill cry of anguish, her leg instantly cauterized by the plasma saber. Aiden pulled the blade back into his grasp before turning it off and putting it away.

“Attacking me with such a primitive weapon when my back is turned; you lack honor. Next time you'll lack a limb as well.” Aiden's eyes blazed with a barely controlled fury. “The only reason I haven't killed you is because of your master. You won't have that forgiveness again.”

Aiden left the hangar as Lucine collapsed to the ground. Unable to move because of the pain her leg was in, she begrudgingly made contact with her Chiss medic associate. She needed his help to fix her. She needed to get stronger.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 September, 2018 6:02 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Darling, you must think I am as witless as you are looking right now.” Lucine was having none of his obvious lies.

I love this line! You did an excellent job integrating both character's aspects into the match through subtle means. At least for the first half of the post.


Can Be Improved

into his accompanying hand. an amethyst beam of light erupted out with a hiss,

You have a few stray typos like the "an" not being capitalized.

Lucine stewed in anger at his apparent mocking tone. She pulled out her blaster and fired at his back.

This is borderline for a realism error. It's been well-established by this point in the match that Lucine is a clever character. In addition to both her combat aspects being about her aversion to direct combat, one of her personality aspects is literally titled I Do Not Get Mad, Darling.... Now the "I don't get mad" aspect does allow for outbursts of rage but the whole way you set up the ending felt out of character for Lucine. She got bested by Aiden and her weapons was destroyed yes, but you have her "calculating mind" working out a way to win after that occurs. Aiden pauses to lecture her then holsters his weapon, dramatically lowering the stakes for the encounter. It's then that she loses her cool and goes aggro on him with her blaster? It just felt extremely out of character and inconsistent with how you had depicted her earlier in the post. You did a good job showing her anger rising at Aiden's humiliations but with her aspects and high resolve I don't think she would have launched into a blind rage attack like that. I'm not counting this as a realism error but I am counting it against your overall story dimension.

“That is not going to happen,” Aiden replied firmly. He drew his second lightsaber from his belt, and the amethyst blade sprang to life with a snap-hiss. “I guess I’ll just have to find another way to make you listen.”

He attacked with the elegance of one who had dedicated his life to his craft, the amethyst and white blades whirling in an intricate and deadly dance. Lucine shifted her stance, her face set in an expression of concentration as her own emerald blade darted about to block his attacks.

But she seemed to be distracted, her eyes darting toward something above and behind him as she made a quick gesture with her hand. She’s up to something, Aiden realized. He took a single measured step forward, even as he thrust his blade toward her. At the last possible moment, Lucine brought her lightsaber around to deflect. Emerald plasma collided with white as the blow was knocked aside, but not enough to avoid a hit. There was a hiss as Aiden’s lightsaber grazed her arm, combined with the smell of burning cloth and flesh.

“Pay attention!” the Seer growled.

The Sith offered him a sweet smile that was edged with pain. “Perhaps you are the one who should be paying attention,” she replied. As the words left her lips, the air was split with the sound of groaning metal.

Aiden risked a quick look at the source of the noise. Above, large portions of the ceiling had become dislodged and were now suspended only by wires and cables. It appeared that the metal was being pulled downward by some unseen force. Is she trying to bring the ceiling down on us?

The Force screamed a warning, and the Seer hastily brought his weapon around to deflect Lucine’s sudden lunge. She twisted at the last moment to avoid his amethyst lightsaber. “You might want to move, darling,” Lucine said with a smirk. “I do not think you want to be buried under all that.”

It seemed like a very good idea. Yet as Aiden studied his opponent, considering ways to maneuver out of the way of the danger, he could not help but to get the feeling that there was something wrong about the situation. Lucine was smart enough to realize that the ceiling was just as likely to crush her too. There was also her reliance on illusions to consider.

As the sound of snapping cables filled the air, the Seer quickly decided to risk a gamble. He dropped the amethyst lightsaber and drew upon the Force as he dove to the side. Lucine’s emerald lightsaber thrummed overhead in a slash that would have parted his head from his shoulders. He fell, slamming his hand against the floor and channeling the Force into a wave of energy that knocked the Sith off of her feet. As she crumbled to the ground, the sound of the creaking cables and groaning metal abruptly ceased.

Lucine hastily grabbed her lightsaber, which had rolled a few feet away when she fell. However, before she could rise she found the tip of a white blade leveled at her throat. “Now,” Aiden said with a grin. “I think it’s time you and I had a little chat.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 September, 2018 6:22 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

As she crumbled to the ground, the sound of the creaking cables and groaning metal abruptly ceased.

I love the whole bit with the clever illusion and Aiden taking a chance and breaking it. As a reader I was hooked wondering what exactly Lucine was up to, which is how Aiden felt.


Can Be Improved

The Sith offered him a sweet smile that was edged with pain. “Perhaps you are the one who should be paying attention,” she replied. As the words left her lips, the air was split with the sound of groaning metal.

This is going to sound very nitpicky but you use passive voice a little too much. Passive voice isn't technically an error but in this passage in particular having "was edged" and "was split" so close together does stand out. Varying your sentence structure can put that little extra layer of polish on your writing that will take it from good to great.

“Now,” Aiden said with a grin. “I think it’s time you and I had a little chat.”

This is not as clear of a resolution to the conflict as it could have been. At 541 words out of 1000 you had some space to really drive home that Aiden had won. As a reader my reaction to this ending was both "wait, haven't they been talking all this time" and anticipation for what he had to say next.