Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance vs. Warlord Granta Prackx

Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
vs.

Warlord Granta Prackx

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

First and foremost, thank you both for participating in Operation: Tempered Iron. It's so good to see the activity spark in ACC competitions from experienced writers that makes judges like me work for a living. Both contestants were very experiences writers in this sort of thing. I honestly had to take a few times just to find some things wrong. When the obvious doesn't stand out, we dig a little deeper. Needless to say, you two know what you're doing. What made the tiniest difference was just a hint of depth in the story, fleshing out some history and motive that made the characters more invested in the fight. It's always good for a reader to get invested, and those are usually the elements that make it happen.

The winner by 0.725 is Rhylance.

~ Judged by Creon Saldean

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance, Warlord Granta Prackx
Winner Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Granta Prackx's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 12 September, 2018 2:56 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: A couple of grammar things found here and there, but nothing that would distract from enjoying the story. Rationale: I think I caught like... 1 thing. Which is why I give advantage here. You're pretty 'crystal' in your grammar. Eh?
Story - 40%
Deleted Dr. Rhylance
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: I enjoyed the usage of all the weapon aspects Granta had at her disposal, as well as actually killing your foe. It's not something you see all the time and is a nice change of pace. Rationale: I learned a few story elements through internal dialogue and narrative for both characters. Rhylance's reason to avoid the risk of going back to Taldryan, which motivated Granta to take him to impress Andre. Also her ties to Andre fleshed out through the effects of Rhylance's poison. This added some depth to each of the characters and let me learn a little about their history. It helped me understand them a bit better, and overall made the story more fun to read.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: I had my doubts with the crystal, but it turns out I got to learn a thing or two. The bouncing blaster on the roof without explanation as to how or why, did have me suspicious. Rationale: I debated using Control Self being able to subdue or slow down the process of the injected inhibiting poison to spread through Granta's Body. I thought only Healing could do it, turns out Control Self works! You taught me a thing too. I couldn't find anything else that stood out in the post. Good job!
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Dr. Rhylance
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: No issues found.
Deleted's Score: 3.8 Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.52
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On a planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws: cracks formed through thousands of years of glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for decades, this place was once a common destination for Jedi Padawans seeking to build their first lightsabers. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

Granta Prackx was glad to be away from the icy winds that plagued Ilum as she moved deeper into the cave.

Perhaps the Jedi of old were onto something, I really can feel the crystals talking to each other. “And I don’t think they like me! Prackx thought as she examined a large array of kyber crystals. She reached out to touch a few of the crystals, as though she were trying to communicate with them herself. Instead, she merely found them cold to the touch.

“Fascinating, aren’t they?” an accented male voice asked from somewhere behind the Juggernaut. Granta turned, peering through her visor at a Chiss a few inches shorter than herself. His clothing, entirely black other than for red trim along the sleeves and trouser legs, suggested a military man, but Granta’s eyes were drawn to what appeared to be a set of scalpels attached to the alien’s belt.

“And what exactly are you supposed to be? Some kind of doctor?” Prackx sneered.

“When I saw the armour, I wasn’t expecting to find such a sharp mind inside that helmet. Or a female voice. You’re rather impressive, in size at least,” the Chiss answered.

“Not very clever for a doctor. Surely you know better than to insult those that are bigger than you,” the Juggernaut snapped.

The blue skinned man’s expression remained neutral. “Interesting. You’re large. You’re clearly powerful. And you’re Force sensitive. Perhaps you’re some kind of Imperial experiment? Genetics are a very interesting field. I’m sure I’d learn quite a bit from yours,”

“That won’t be happening. I will not be subjected to your experiments, doctor or not,” Granta replied, her tone turning from annoyed to mocking.

“Your discomfort will not dissuade me. Neither will your disdain for my title. But if you really won’t call me Doctor, you can call me Rhylance. Do I get to know who’s inside the armour?” Rhylance questioned.

Prackx responded by charging at the Chiss. Although slowed by the weight of her armour, the Sith closed in, throwing a right hook directly towards the side of Rhylance’s head. Her opponent deftly dodged the blow, but Granta followed up with a straight left, her large size allowing her the reach she needed to strike the doctor square in the stomach.

Stumbling backward, Rhylance took a moment to steady himself, but Prackx was already moving in for another punch. With no time to plan a proper defence, the Chiss desperately grabbed one of his scalpel-like weapons, and stabbed at his attacker. The vibro-dagger made contact with Granta’s armour, bouncing uselessly away as its owner was floored by a sucker punch.

Prackx smirked and began to walk away.

“Pathetic. Perhaps you’ll learn to stick to the sick,” she taunted, moving back towards the array of crystals she had been looking at.

Rhylance, although winded, wasn’t about to be beaten that easily. He’d been half expecting the Juggernaut to attack him almost immediately, and her usage of an old Imperial martial arts technique only further confirmed his suspicion that he was dealing with a career soldier. The female’s sheer size and almost perfect physique for combat fascinated the medic, but he wasn’t going to get any kind of sample from Prackx without a fight.

As quietly as he could, Rhylance extracted his blaster from its holster. Pointing its barrel directly at a crystal on the ceiling above Granta’s head, the Quaestor fired a single shot. The blaster bolt zipped through the air, colliding with its target. The crystal briefly absorbed the blast, but then exploded.

“What the frak?” Prackx said, craning her head upwards to find the source of the explosion.

Clambering to his feet, Rhylance, making the most of the temporary distraction, moved towards the Sith, armed with another of his vibro-daggers. The extra few moments allowed him to aim his stab towards one of the joins in Granta’s armour.

The female turned to face the Chiss right as he attacked. The vibro-dagger slipped neatly into the small gap under Prackx’s armpit.

The pain of the vibro-dagger didn’t last, but the female immediately felt her arms growing heavier.

“I have just introduced an inhibiting toxin to your body. Perhaps now, you will be more agreeable to my methods,” Rhylance explained, his tone as emotionless as ever.

Creon Neverse, 18 September, 2018 7:51 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The blaster bolt zipped through the air, colliding with its target. The crystal briefly absorbed the blast, but then exploded.

You helped me learn a thing today. I almost thought this was inaccurate, until I did some homework. Turns out the crystals are very unstable. I didn’t know that. But someone like Rhylance would, given his intellect and knowledge of Force related trivia and science. So this shows good innovation on his part that you wrote in, good job.

Can Be Improved

“And I don’t think they like me!

Pretty sure you didn’t intend to put the quotation mark for inner dialogue. But still, it’s good to note they aren’t needed, just italics. I can’t find any major issues with your post, which is good! It just means I have to find the semantics instead.

Granta could feel herself slowing. The Chiss’s poison was moving through her system and her body quickly grew heavy. Intent on finishing this fight with a victory, the large woman began to channel the Force into her flesh. She felt her stiffening muscles relax as they were invigorated with the Force.

Feeling free from her biochemical restraints, Granta rushed forward and punched the Chiss in the chest. She followed through, more swiftly than the bespeckled Doctor could handle, and swept his left knee, causing the joint to bend and Rhylance to drop to a kneel. She twisted around him then slung her arm around his neck. Pulling back, she choked the Chiss in a headlock.

“You stick me, I break you,” she seethed as she pulled harder. “I recognized your name, Rhylance. I will be honored for putting you down!”

Rhylance's vision was going black. Oxygen was cut off from his brain, and his neck was bending improperly. He took the scalpel, still in his grasp, and shoved it into an unprotected spot of Granta’s thigh. The sharp pain accompanied more of the inhibiting toxin into her system, and she could feel herself being overpowered. Her arm went numb before going limp.

Feeling his opponent's strength waning, the Chiss pushed himself free from her grasp. He took in several deep breaths as he waited for his head to stabilize from its fuzziness. Granta bled from her two deep incisions and fought against her body that was failing her. Her muscles grew weak without the Force’s assistance, and the double dose of toxin caused her limbs to seize. Unable to move, she collapsed to the floor, still awake and still breathing. She couldn’t move her limbs to protect herself anymore.

The Chiss stood from his bent over position and put away his scalpel before retrieving the one he lost earlier in the encounter. He observed Granta for the moment and took out the tome he carried. He began to take notes on the subject, concluding some theories he had concerning his poisons. Assured of her paralysis, Rhylance walked over to the woman's unmoving body.

“Time to see who you are,” he said softly as he removed her helmet. Her appearance was not what he would call desirable, and her red hair left him wanting another's. He assessed her features, and once he remembered her name, his eyes grew wide.

Granta Prackx, a soldier who has deep connections with Andrelious. Just my luck.

He rolled his eyes while he looked her over. He'd cut ties with his former Clan after their mutiny against him. The possibility of his location or his affiliation with Arcona getting back to Taldryan was not something the Doctor wanted at all.

I need to end this, and quickly, he thought to himself as he knelt down to slash his scalpel across her neck.

As Granta watched all of this happen, she fought hard against her own body to act. She felt it was almost a sure thing that she wouldn’t survive the day. The only thing pushing her forward was her love and admiration for her destined mate. He was hers and she would have him, one way or another.

I’m coming back for you Andrel, just you wait!

As she felt the steel blade against her throat, she summoned all of the strength she could. The Force bent to her will. Her hand twitched as the soldier fought for control. Granta focused on some nearby rocks and pulled them towards her. The stones flew through the air, impacting against Rhylance’s back, knocking him off of her.

And now, my love, I kill this Chiss, this stain on Taldryan’s history, for you!

Creon Neverse, 18 September, 2018 8:02 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Okay so you introduced some elements that gave the characters a better motive for fighting. Rhylance leaving Taldryan makes sense for him to be a wanted man by the clan, and now Granta can bring him in for her love Andrel? This adds depth to why the characters fight.

Can Be Improved

You aren't wrong in having Granta used Control Self against Rhylance's poison. However, there was a bit confusion on the reader's end. Was the poison completely subdued or just slowed down? When Granta took a second hit, you put:

the double dose of toxin caused her limbs to seize.

I couldn't tell if this was because the first poison, being repressed, was now back and she was getting hit with a double whammy, or if it was just her body and the Force not being able to take another poison after just now dealing with the first. This isn't worth a detraction, because after looking it over I was able to make sense of the situation. It would only be better for next time if there would be a bit more clarity when utilizing multiple poisons.

Although she had regained the ability to move, Prackx still felt quite stiff. The Force was working hard to purge the toxin from her body, but the Juggernaut was not going to take things easy so long as Rhylance was still breathing.

“You’ve had your fun,” Granta snarled, craning her neck around to look for her helmet.

Rhylance slowly rose to his feet, winded and bruised.

“Fascinating. I’ll definitely have to increase the dosage of toxin,” the Chiss commented in his now familiar neutral tone.

“You’re not going to get another chance. I’ll take you back to Selen myself. In a bodybag,” Prackx declared.

The Sith was in no mood to take any chances. She armed herself with her lightsaber, its blade illuminating the area around her a deep shade of crimson.

Although he knew he’d have no chance against a lightsaber in close combat, Rhylance wasn’t about to surrender. Using his blaster, he fired straight at the Juggernaut but wasn’t at all surprised when Prackx simply beat the blaster bolt away.

“Really? I thought you were smart!” Granta taunted.

The Chiss smirked as he fired again, this time aiming well above his opponent’s head. The well-aimed shot bounced off the ceiling of the cavern, forcing the Sith to reach above her head to fend it off.

“It’s a little inelegant. And I suspect the cavern absorbs a lot of the energy, but needs must,” Rhylance stated as if speaking his thought aloud. He fired several shots towards the walls, ceiling, and floor, each one varying in trajectory enough to keep Prackx busy parrying. As he fired, he stepped backwards. The Chiss was no longer interested in winning the fight; he was instead focused on escaping the fuming redhead.

Prackx remained determined to catch her opponent. She was still groggy from the toxin that he had induced into her body, but her frustration with Rhylance almost completely overwhelmed anything else she was feeling.

The incoming shots did not stop even as Rhylance rounded corners as he continued to move towards his pickup point. The Chiss wished he was carrying a comlink; every second was going to matter, especially if Prackx was even a tenth of the pilot that her beloved was.

Nearly there. Time to make a run for it! the medic thought, spotting natural light in an opening just ahead. He holstered his blaster. It was make or break time. As soon as the blaster bolts stopped heading in her direction, Prackx picked up the pace. The last of the toxin and the weight of her armour hampered her speed, but sure enough, she soon saw Rhylance making his way towards the opening. Nearby, her own ship, the Polarising Personality, silently awaited her return, but she spotted a second ship.

There’s his ride. Looks like he’s nearly there! I get one chance at this!

Granta deactivated her lightsaber and reached for the DLT-20a strapped onto her back. Rhylance continued to move towards his ship, but Prackx, with years of experience on her side, was already lining up her shot. She let fly with a smirk, as the longer, thinner hyphen of plasma sped away into the distance. Her eyes did not move from her weapon’s sight.

Rhylance was inches away from his ship’s boarding ramp when his opponent’s shot ripped through his left calf. He fell to the ground, reaching desperately for the ramp. The ship’s pilot, a Twi’lek male, sprinted from the cockpit to attempt to rescue his commander, but Prackx was ready and waiting and fired again, her shot hitting the pilot square in the chest.

Rhylance cursed as his pilot slumped to the ground, but there was no time to react as Granta was on her way, again armed with her lightsaber.

“A nice try, but I’ve spent far too long chasing to let my target get away. You’re going to pay for what you tried to do to me,” Prackx hissed. Rhylance expected to see the blade of his enemy’s lightsaber swing in to end things, but the woman punched him hard in the face, instead. His spectacles shattered with the impact.

“The most interesting thing about you,” Rhylance breathed. “Is that you’re so determined to solve everything with violence. You never think things through,”

Prackx ignored the downed Chiss and went to punch him again, this time in the stomach.

As the female leaned in, Rhylance, summoning enough strength for a final act of defiance, tried to stab one of his scalpels into Granta’s eye. The Sith was already committed to her own attack, and was able only to turn her face away, allowing the scalpel to make an incision in her cheek. Her punch slammed Rhylance’s head into the ground, rendering the Chiss unconscious. With a victorious grin on her face, Prackx stabbed her lightsaber through her opponent’s heart.

“Can’t ever be too sure,” she said coldly, her fingers checking the newly inflicted wound on her face.

Leaving Rhylance’s body behind, Granta started to move back towards the caves but was almost knocked off her feet by a painful stomach cramp.

Whatever you’ve done to me, Rhylance. It is I who will leave this planet Prackx thought as she made her way towards her ship, clutching her stomach.

Creon Neverse, 19 September, 2018 1:22 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This is what's good about a combatively versatile character. Gracta have all these options available to her (lightsabers, blasters, martial arts), which gives you room to still be combat effective in any given situation she's put under. Also she kills her opponents. We don't see that enough. Like... I need to see some evil from the Sith, and Gracta brings that to the table.

Can be Improved

The well-aimed shot bounced off the ceiling of the cavern, forcing the Sith to reach above her head to fend it off.

I wasn't sure what made it "bounce". If she hit a crystal, wouldn't it be absorbed and explode like earlier? If not, and it hit rock or dirt, it would just be dissipated. Why did the blaster bounce? There are some places where a blaster would bounce, such as in a New Hope, but not in occurrences in natural environments.

Granta fought against her paralysis to stand up. She was shaky, but her body overcame the hurdles and the soldier faced off against her target. The crystals within the spiritual cave glowed with a strange intensity as the two foes faced off. Rhylance knew that in a straight fight he would never survive this; but if he could get close enough to her, that was another story.

The Juggernaut charged forward. Her body was trained for battle and her skills in that regard were nearly flawless. Rhylance attempted to dodge and twist out of the incoming assault, but a left punch caught him in the gut again. The impact of the blow caused the Chiss to double over in pain, and Granta did not let up after that. She threw blow after blow against the former Taldryan Consul, his blue skin breaking in some spots as blood flowed freely.

Prackx wanted to end this. The Chiss needed to die to restore Andrel’s Clan's honor, and she would be happy to help the love of her life out in such a profound way. She stepped away to catch her breath after her barrage against the medic.

Head pounding, Rhylance felt the damage done to his body. Blood dripped down his blue face from a split eyebrow and busted lip. His left eye was swollen shut and his glasses had been smashed against the ground, resulting in glass cutting up his cheeks and forehead. He surely had several broken bones including a broken collar bone and a broken rib or two. His head felt both heavy and light at the same time, and he was certain he had a concussion. He needed to find a way to survive, and he had one more trick up his sleeve; or in his coat.

The soldier grasped her lightsaber in her hand and activated the weapon. With a resounding hiss, the cave became bathed in crimson light. Rhylance pulled a small glass vial out from inside a box in his coat. The Juggernaut walked back over to her quarry and raised her blade. The Chiss watched as the energy-fueled saber raised high above his head as Granta prepared the killing blow.

Rhylance threw the vial in his hand at the woman's armor. Upon collision with the intended target, the vial shattered, releasing the metallic liquid inside to make contact with the air. The liquid ignited, causing a small flash of fire and throwing Grata off for a minute as she turned her head away from the flames. All that remained was a lingering smoke, and the soldier had inhaled it without knowledge of its consequences.

Granta coughed as the smoke travelled into her lungs. Her hair had been singed by the burst of fire, and her face was red from the exposure. She turned back to a smiling Rhylance. The woman decided to finish this fight before the Chiss could pull off anything else. As she stepped towards the medic, her eyesight became blurry. She shook her head, but could feel the back of her neck tingling. Vertigo almost took over as Granta’s vision darkened and spun. She had a rough time standing still.

The woman’s eyes dilated and she began to sweat. She looked around the cave and began to breathe shallower and quicker. She could see something that he couldn’t. His fear toxin was a hallucinogenic and she was experiencing the side effects.

“Andrel? No! This can’t be happening! No!!!”

Screams tore from Granta’s throat as she saw something that Rhylance could not. Her fears were being forced to the surface where she would need to survive them. The Chiss marveled at the quickly changing expressions that ran across her face: terror, anger, hatred, grief, they were all in attendance...unlike joy. He grinned in fascination for his masterpiece of a toxin.

Granta’s screaming continued out as she clutched her head, and only then did Rhylance acknowledge her pain. He pulled out his blaster and continued observing his new specimen. Raising the weapon, he waited for tears to begin flowing, and he didn’t wait long. The Chiss tired to aim, but the damage to his eye and his shaky hand meant he’d likely miss a fatal target. To alleviate this risk, he switched the weapon to stun mode. Soon enough Granta was fully overtaken by her fears, and Rhylance pulled the trigger. Rings of energy shot out of the barrel and just barely met their mark. Upon touching Granta, she hit the ground. The stun shots had taken out Rhylance’s problem.

While he would have preferred staying put and experimenting on the woman's body, Rhylance needed to complete his mission. He stepped forward and knelt down next to her. Adjusting his blaser, he put the barrel against the woman's temple before shooting her in the head.

“I am quite sorry for this, but my life is clearly more necessary than yours in the grand scheme of things. Good day, Granta Prackx.”

The scientist collected the crystals he was searching for and left the body of Granta laying in the middle of the crystal caverns on Illum. His head throbbed, and he needed to get back to M.O.R.S.E. for healing. This wouldn’t be his last encounter with his old Clan, but he survived it nonetheless.

Creon Neverse, 19 September, 2018 2:05 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Things are kept real with the toll taken by Rhylance. His vulnerabilities are well written in both posts, but it's in here where the reader starts to experience just how little he has left in him. It gives a dose of reality, something some often neglect when writing characters, whether they have high or low skills/aspects that address this. It's also good to highlight it in the final post. I'd keep that if I were you.

Can Be Improved

There are some hints as to what Gracta was going through with the hallucinagenic. This is good. My only advise would to be take it a step further and add more to the narrative that gives more into what Gracta was actually experiencing. What she was seeing, hearing, and believing was real. But the description given here was good, and satisfied the fact that she was goooone.