Reaver Stres'tron'garmis vs. Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Reaver Stres'tron'garmis

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Chiss, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
vs.

Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Thank you for your participation in the ACC!

I would like to start off with some praise for the exception weaving of story you’ve both shown in your writing in this match. It is wonderful to read a story that can draw you in and keep you sucked in. Of note, Tahiri, the best advice I can think of to give you is to tie in your environment that little bit more into your writing. Sure, the setting is just a backdrop for the battle but, it can add so much more colour to a post. Your introduction could have benefitted from it. You both did an exceptional job expressing the contrasting and powerful personalities of these two characters. I have the image of a noble gentleman bodyguard solidly in mind when I read about Strong. Tahiri I picture as an impish and sneaky rogue… all painted by the choice of words and description used by the both of you in your writing. The dialogue only aided in reinforcing these images.

Tahiri, in your final post, you find yourself stumble slightly over a couple character aspects. It is important to always keep character aspects in mind as it can cost us in realism. You both make great use of dialogue. Sometimes, dialogue can detract from the flow if not used properly. Neither of you had that issue and I found it only contributed to the fantastic flow of action and even built upon the interplay of the characters. Kordath, a couple errors in your final post that proved slightly detrimental. You mention him taking a blow to his body yet never mention whereupon his body he is cut? Perhaps a bit more specificity would have been great in this instance.

Overall. Great story, good job with the combat writing itself, and great dialogue. Thank you both for your participation and I look forward to reading future matches from the both of you!

The winner of this battle is Kordath Bleu!

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Stres'tron'garmis, Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Winner Reaver Stres'tron'garmis
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Stres'tron'garmis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 14 September, 2018 7:56 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Mild overuse of commas and a couple run-on sentences. Rationale: Mild overuse of commas and a few run-on sentences. What brought this to a three(3) however was a couple spelling errors, pronoun errors and tense errors in both posts that detracted from the readability.
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Characters are vivid, the environment the characters find themselves in is not just a backdrop but part of the battle, and the action just keeps coming. Great job. Rationale: The story is entertaining, however, opportunities were missed especially in the first post. It could have benefitted from better tying in the environment. You also make mention in the beginning that the characters are acquaintances, however, a few paragraphs later Strong and Tahiri have never been introduced. This created a bit of a stumble in the story for me.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No notable errors. Rationale: Improper representation of a couple character Aspects in your final post, read comments on final post for more detail on this.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No notable continuity errors. Rationale: No notable continuity errors.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.85 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 4.05
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On a planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws: cracks formed through thousands of years of glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for decades, this place was once a common destination for Jedi Padawans seeking to build their first lightsabers. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

Tahiri Thorn Morti Tarentae sat cross legged against a large clear translucent crystal, within the enormous antechamber awaiting the arrival of her acquaintance. The slight chill in the air from the consistent outside winter temperatures, made Tahiri shiver just slightly.

What is taking him so long? He said that he would meet me here today. Though I didn’t say it was me, so I don’t know if he will be coming. He seemed to be pretty honorable. Heavy footsteps answered her thoughts, as sound bounced against the smooth stone walls, as a hulking figure approached the bottom of the antichamber.

Tahiri opened her sulfur yellow eyes, and watched as the cerulean skinned Chiss male stop in the middle of the antichamber and look around. The Togruta slowly stood from her position, so as to alarm the Arconan. Sauntering towards the man she called out, “Well, well, I’m glad to see you made safely here, Strong. I hope this place isn’t too cold for meeting?”

Strong turned towards the sound of her voice, immediately placing his hand on the Z6 Riot Baton, which hung from his belt. The Chiss’ signature deep red eyes watched the tiny crimson skinned Togruta coming towards him, searching for povication of hostility. ”Young Lady, I am not sure whether it is good to see you or not,” he slowly replied.

“Awww, don’t be like that Strong,” Tahiri stopped about 5 meters away, folding her arms and thrusting her left hip to the side nonchalantly. “Though I don’t blame you for being like that. I mean, I did stick you with one of my daggers, which I hope didn’t become a real bad scar.”

”Oh, Well Miss… I never really caught your name, Miss?” Strong replied, raising his eyebrow and relaxing his stance slightly,

“Ah yes,” the Togrutan woman smiled and chuckled slightly. “Well, that’s probably cause I never introduced myself.”

Bowing slightly, and then straightening to her full height, with a proud and noble tone, she announced “My name is Tahiri Kahn Drakon Night-Thorn Di Morte Tarentae, and yes it is a very long name. Most only know me as Tahiri.”

”Well then, Miss Tahiri, if you must know my leg has healed up perfectly fine, and your blade left all but a small scar.” Strong bowed slightly in turn, a slight smile showing.

”I must ask, Miss Tahiri, but I have the feeling that you didn’t send me a message to meet, just to ask about my leg,” the Chiss stood to his full height, ready for anything.

“No, you’re right, I didn’t call you here to for that.” Undoing the clasp of her cloak, Tahiri took her cloak off and tossed it to the side. “I called you here to decide on who would beat who in a duel. I swear upon my honor that this is not a duel to the death or anything of that sort...”

Tahiri slowly unclipped her Rune saber, while unsheathing her blacked out Vibro Sword. She continued, “I only wish to have a friendly little face off to see who can beat who. Oh, and to let you know, Kordath has nothing to do with this. I swear that I am no longer trying to kill him.”

Flashing Strong another smile, she ignited and flourished the blades. “We settled our differences. So what do you say to a friendly duel? Hmmm, big boy?”

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 19 September, 2018 5:05 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Language used in dialogue, teamed with some of the more subtle body language creates a fantastic image of both characters. The Chiss’ way of speaking is well expressed, and you make great use of two of his Aspects from the start.


Needs Improvement

The great thing about introduction post is that you get to set the tone and take your brush to the image you are creating with your words before your opponent. I feel as though you could have done a lot more in your painting of the scene, perhaps throw in further splashes of your environment to truly draw in your reader. Your surroundings seem to be an afterthought.

He glanced over the armor-clad form of the Togruta assassin, noting the casual way she moved in the form-fitting gear. It was doubtful the lightweight outfit would impede her movements much. She began to circle the stationary Chiss, waiting for him to reply or react, her darkened blade twirling. Strong’s glowing eyes narrowed as she stepped from light to shadows in the cave, watching her armor blend into the darkness. If not for the crimson skin that made up much of her face, he’d have found her difficult to track.

“Well, big guy? Just gonna stand there and admire the view all day, or we gonna work up a sweat?” she taunted, flashing him a toothy grin. The way she turned to face him and set her hips to the side once more forced him to clear his throat, as well as trying to ignore the burning sensation in his ears.

”Apologies, Madame…” he began to recite her lengthy name in his mind, trying to determine the most proper and respectful name to use. ”Tahiri,” he finally settled on, as she had given him permission, ”I did not mean to appear a lecher. I was observing the impressive manner in which your armor reacts to the shadows, and how comfortable your movements are. A...tactical observation, nothing more, I assure you.”

She stared at him with yellow eyes for several heartbeats, before breaking out in laughter. The Sith took a few steps towards him, using the back of her hand to wipe tears from her eyes. She lowered the same arm and clicked her saber to life, the red blade hissing and throwing a crimson glow across her armor, not unlike the color of her face.

“That was almost sweet, in its own way, I think? Nice to know I move well enough to distract a Consul’s bodyguard,” she spoke with obvious amusement.

She was also still getting closer, taking measured steps towards the still unarmed Chiss. He stood, unmoving, causing her to narrow her yellow eyes. “Of course, if you don’t think I’m worth the effort of fighting for fun, I might have to move on to trying to really hurt you, big boy.”

This time it was Strong who slowly smiled, raising his arms before him, bent at the elbows.

”I have simply been waiting for you to begin; I mean no insult, of course. I am most curious as to your approach, as I have distinct recollections of your skill at striking by surprise.”

Her grin didn’t falter even as she sprung into action, leaping the last few meters towards him with blades crossed before her. In most situations, against an unarmed opponent, it would have been a killing strike to open with. She knew, though, that while her target was impressive in stature, he was deceptively quick. Strong had waited till almost the last possible moment, stepping to her right and letting her pass. She struck out horizontally with both blades, her saber and vibrosword arcing in a wide sweep in case he tried to get behind her. Tahiri let out a small yelp of surprise when she found he wasn’t moving at all, instead using his position to grasp her right wrist and applying pressure.

He twisted her arm, forcing the palm open so she dropped the saber hilt and began to pull her lithe form around with his sheer strength and bulk. The movement was smooth enough that it almost felt like he was trying to dance with her, but she could tell that if he managed to pull it off she’d be flung halfway across the cave. Getting impaled on a kyber crystal didn’t sound like a good time, and she kicked off the ground to relieve the tension on her captured arm. With her offhand she lashed out with her sword, almost catching the Chiss cleanly across his chest and forcing him to unhand her.

She landed in a crouch, her metal-shod boots crunching into the rock below her. A sound of several objects hitting the ground caught her attention, eyes zeroing in on what looked like...buttons? She smirked and stood, twirling her vibrosword and making a show of swapping it to her right, using the motion to cover drawing a throwing knife from one of the many hidden places in her armor. She palmed it, blade against the inside of her forearm as she watched the Arconan turn to face her.

He was smiling, still, obviously enjoying himself. The big man rolled his shoulders and it was very clear where the buttons on the cavern floor had come from, his shirt opening to show hard muscles.

”You very nearly caused substantial injury, miss. A masterful stroke,” he boomed happily, voice echoing around the chamber. He grasped the front of his shirt and pulled it from his muscular frame, the fabric tearing easily under his strength. He lifted his arms again, much as he had before.

She lifted her vibrosword before her and gave him a lopsided grin, feinting with the blade and turning her body slightly to give her offhand a clear line, flinging her knife at him.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 19 September, 2018 5:06 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The characters stand out vividly in your writing. Both distinct with bright personalities. Dialogue and body language both work to make them both truly glow throughout the post. Strong’s personality especially, his dialogue is so polite! I would also like to note, your writing of the ensuing combat is something to be respected. You do not go overly flashy. You do not over describe, yet, everything you describe paints a vivid picture in the mind of the reader.


Needs Improvement

Watch out for those run-on sentences. They are not a big detractor in this case but something best avoided to keep with the flow of what you are writing.

Tahiri watched as her perfectly aimed throwing dagger whizzed right past the Chiss’ left ear. Smiling as the man ducked into a crouch, the Togruta rolled forward to get herself under him. Not exactly the place anyone would want to be, especially with a man of his stature, however for Tahiri’s plan it was perfect.

The Togruta bounced out of the roll, landing right in front of Strong just as he looked up. She gently placed the vibrosword's blackened tip on the edge of his chin.

“Tsk, tsk.” Tahiri smirked as she felt the man stiffen beneath her blade. “Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you, yet. After all, we just got started.”

Her body reacted faster than her mind, senses and reflexes taking over. Tahiri pushed off from him chest with her left hand, narrowly missing getting caught in his quick vice like grip, again.

That was a little too close for comfort, Tahiri thought as she spun a few meters away from him. Standing up to her full height, Tahiri watched the hulking man stand as well.

”Yes, we are just getting started, Madame Tahiri,” Strong’s voice boomed again, with a slight chuckle at the end. ”That was an interesting move you did there, miss.”

“Awww, well thank you. Not many people compliment me on my moves,” bowing slightly, Tahiri smiled as she replied sincerely. Tahiri didn’t really want to hurt the Chiss too much. The fact that his job was protecting Kord was more important than anything. But she already knew Kord was safe at the moment and didn’t need Strong. However, she still wanted a good fight.

He also looks karking good without his shirt on. Kark it, Tahiri, keep yourself together! Although he is quite a gentleman. Tahiri reached for and began to gather the Force. Reaching up and over her shoulder, the Togruta unsheathed her second vibrosword.

“Better get that baton out, you might just need it.” Tahiri lunged for him again, this time taking a different tactic. She feinted a slashing horizontal strike across his midsection, only to go right past him. With augmented speed, the Togruta turned quickly on the balls of her feet as Strong tried to follow. Going low, she slapped the backside of calves with the width of her vibroblades.

She watched with amusement as the Chiss let out a grunt as his legs buckled beneath him. Watching the Chiss land hard on his knees, Tahiri walked confidently up to him.

“Well, you know what they say, big boy. The bigger they are, the har…” Tahiri stopped mid sentence as she felt the firm, strong arms of the Chiss wrap around her, with his hands grabbing her wrists and holding them securely to her side.

Strong quickly stood to his full height, lifting Tahiri in a gentle though firm hug. While the Togruta furiously struggled to wiggle free from her captor, Strong let out a soft chuckle.

”Madame Tahiri, it is fruitless for you to try and escape. Now can you please drop your weapons, or will I have to make you drop them.” Strong looked down at her struggling in his arms.

“You were faking it, weren’t you?” Tahiri gritted her teeth, as she tried twisting out of his grip. Looking up, she saw Strong softly smile.

“No, and yes. That hit stung the back of my legs, in fact they are still stinging.”

Tahiri stopped struggling, and sighed. “Well, I guess this means you won.”

Hearing the clatter of metal hitting the stone ground, Strong raised an eyebrow at the petite Togruta in his arms.

“No Strong, I promise you no more tricks. Upon my honor as a warrior, I will fight you no further.” Tahiri flashed the Chiss a sincere smile and relaxed her entire body. Strong just stared at her for a few moments.

“Umm Strong, would you mind letting me go? My hands feel a bit numb and I’m having a bit of a hard time breathing.”

”Oh, my apologies, miss!! I am so sorry.” The Chiss hurriedly put Tahiri down, and stepped back a step, still keeping one hand on her shoulder. ”Are you alright?”

“Yes, Strong, I’m just fine,” Tahiri replied with a laugh. “No worries, you didn’t hurt me, and I’m glad that I didn’t hurt you. Kord is very lucky to have a man like you around to protect him.”

Tahiri let out a small chuckle as she sat on the stone ground, pushing one vibrosword out of the way.

“I’m just going to sit here a moment.”

”I think that I will join you, Madame Tahiri.”

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 19 September, 2018 5:07 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great use of your opponent’s Aspect, Honorable Conduct. Likewise, you keep well with his politeness throughout dialogue. Great leveraging of Tahiri’s size and speed in your combat writing. I do love the playful tone Tahiri seems to have in her dialogue to the big guy, almost teasing.


Needs Improvement

Tahiri seems to underestimate Strong in the final paragraphs of the post, thus opening herself up to an opponent that, by his own Aspect, has trouble against a quicker opponent. It seems as though Tahiri’s Aspect of “Tiny, But Fierce” and Strong’s “Hug It Out” are not fully leveraged in the end.

The blade went end over end towards the Chiss, who managed to avoid being skewered by a small margin. A red line opened across the side of his body, blood seeping out, contrasting with his blue skin. He grunted and turned back, only to dive to the side to avoid another knife that flashed past his face. The bodyguard came up in a roll, drawing his garish riot shield forth and deflecting the next projectile.

“Oh my, you've got blood on your pants, Strong,” she teased, one gray lekku rising coyly towards her black lips. “That mean you're gonna tear those off, too?”

”My family's history long ago taught us the manner for removing blood stains, Madame Tarane. I assure you, I will make them presentable once more!”

Oh he is just adorable, she thought, eyeing the man's musculature as he set himself behind the shield. Maybe not the right word…

She had little time to muse over it as he charged forward, knocking a hastily thrown knife away as he closed in on her. Tahiri jumped aside, ducking as she did so, the yellow-trimmed shield swinging out to try and hit her. She raised her vibroblade to strike and went wide-eyed when she realized the Chiss had not only followed through with the attempted shield strike, but carried himself around to try once more. The warning from the Force did not come quickly enough, the shield catching her in the side.

The energy field sent a shocking pulse through her body, from her arm where it landed to the tips of her sensitive montrals. Her body was flung to the side by the big man's hit, bouncing her across the rocky cave floor. She groaned and pushed herself up, impressed that she'd managed to keep hold of her sword.

“Well, that was electrifying,” she muttered, with a glare at the Arconan. He was advancing, slowly, and his red eyes appeared to be studying her once more with an intensity that seemed out of place. It was uncomfortable.

”Are you able to continue, miss Tahiri, or do you require medical attention?”

Did he just—, the thought didn't finish before she lifted her empty hand and let forth a burst of Force energy, lighting crackling and arcing out towards him. It struck his shield, which sparked and overloaded, leaving him with a metal frame of questionable use and color choice. Not all the lightning struck him; some danced across a nearby kyber formation and exploded into brilliant light. The Chiss threw an arm over his eyes and shouted in pain. Tahiri looked away, after images of light dancing across her vision.

With her foe blinded, she debated ending it. Strong was dangerous up close, and unless she went for a kill shot with her knives, she would have a tough time putting him down. She needed him to yield, to prove she was better. With a smirk, her own eyesight recovering, she fell back to the shadows. With the Force aiding her efforts, the veil of energy covered what little the darkened corners of the cavern couldn't. She waited.

Strong blinked and held his burnt-out shield aloft, expecting an attack that had never come.

”You spoke truthfully earlier I see. I am glad! This fight has been both honorable and exhilarating, miss Tahiri,” he spoke with happiness clear in his voice. The Chiss moved slowly around the cave, squinting into the dark places where the light didn't touch.

Unbeknownst to him, the Togruta was on the move, a shimmer of light moving against the glittering kyber crystals. Beneath her Force conjured cloak she crept, wincing every time her metallic-reinforced boots landed. Lucky for her, she supposed, the Chiss was still extolling her virtues, the echoes of which covered much of the noise her movements made. She wondered if he was trying to make her laugh and give away her position as he went on. He even apologized for removing his shirt in front of her, something about being caught up in the moment.

She held her breath when he turned and almost walked over her, his eyes now looking up towards the cavern ceiling. An attack from above would have been quite dramatic she knew, but she'd disregarded the option because of how much noise she'd make getting up there. But now he was within reach, which suited her fine as she carefully changed her sword to her left and lifted it.

The armored Togruta seemed to pop into existence next to the Chiss, who grunted in surprise. He reached towards her sword arm, the blade moving swiftly towards his neck, before hearing her click her tongue at him. The noise reminded him of being caught doing something he shouldn't by his nanny, and he met her sulfuric gaze with a question in his eyes. She glanced down, then back up at him with a grin.

Strong looked down and froze, every muscle going stiff to keep from moving. He'd not been able to see the blade built into her gauntlet with the poor light conditions. Now he was all too aware of it, the vibrobladepositioned to end any potential future legacies he could leave behind. She laid the side of her sword against his shoulder, the blade vibrating menacingly.

“So, who wins this round, big guy?” she asked with a smug smile.

”I would appear bested, madame. A shameful day, but well done. What would you have me do?”

She grinned, thankful for red skin that so well hid her blush.

“I'm sure I'll think of something, big fella.”

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 19 September, 2018 5:07 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

As mentioned in my comments in your first post, you just have a way of making characters pop. In addition, your use of the surrounding environment was fantastic. I enjoyed Tahiri’s use of the kyber crystals and Force Lightning as a means to blind, it was quite creative.


Needs Improvement

You did have a couple cases where your word choices were detrimental to your post. The example below is one such case where the word “forth” detracted more than added to where you were going with the action.

The bodyguard came up in a roll, drawing his garish riot shield forth and deflecting the next projectile.