Warrior Magik vs. Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

Warrior Magik

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

Gentlemen, first and foremost thank you for participating in Tempered Iron. You both have been wonderful participants throughout this entire competition, and I hope to see more of you even after it's finished. The story was pretty simple. There was a beginning, with Magik having the motive to fight Rhylance, and Rhylance being reactive in self-defense. There was room to expand upon and make more story elements that compel the audience. These opportunities are in everywhere, and trying to come up with them, I think, is the most fun part of ACCing. For realism and continuity, having that attention to detail on each other's posts and the wording of the skills and force powers is key. Often times even I would need to ask about the possibilities or limitations the things on our sheets have. If you are ever unsure, the judges and Atra are more than happy to help clarify.

The winner of this match if Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

~ Judged by Creon Saldean.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Magik, Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance
Winner Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 15 September, 2018 3:11 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Magik Dr. Rhylance
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: There were issues with spelling and grammar. Incomplete sentences, tense dancing, and overall the context of the paragraph structures. I'd recommend looking at finding a good example or mentor for developing the skill in English writing. Sometimes it's just a matter of practice. Rationale: Few minor things found, but nothing that detracted from the story.
Story - 40%
Magik Dr. Rhylance
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: There was a beginning, middle, and an end. There was a reason for the fight as well. There are more elements to add to the story, like who actually sent Magik and why? Why would he betray his own Quastor? Also, including some form of struggle or drama between the two could help make it more compelling for the reader. Rationale: Rhylance was pretty reactive in this one. There was room for more, but it was a well told fight with interesting points using the environment and tactics that aren't seen very often.
Realism - 25%
Magik Dr. Rhylance
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: In the second post, it was written that Magik was deflecting bolts back towards Rhylance's direction. Form 0 cannot do this. It can deflect blaster fire, but not back at specific targets. Rationale: Magik's saber color and Telepathy usage, see comments.
Continuity - 20%
Magik Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: There were some repeated changes involving the panels after Rhylance's post. Rationale: No issues detected.
Magik's Score: 2.65 Dr. Rhylance's Score: 3.55
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Magik had arrived to the Godless Matron once again. From out of the shadows he quiety landed his Star Courier into the enormous hangar bay of the battleship, so he would not be noticed. He was guided to a seperate bay away from the main hangars. The Matron's personnel knew of his business here, but it was better nobody else knew. As traveling had made him anxious he needed some time to himself. "Guard, escort me to my quarters," he needes to gather his thoughts. The guards quickly took him away as they escorted Magik to a suite made ready for his stay. Magik did not want to be here any longer than need be.

Magik had been a guest here at one time. Which made the experience all that more pleasurable. As they had been waiting his arrival. Magik had accepted orders from Arcona to rendezvous Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance here on the Matron in deep space. As Rhylance would not expecting Magik. Thier meeting would be a surprise to Rhylance. Magik was to assassinate Rhylance on the Matron and return to the Dajorra System upon competion of his mission. Not knowing of Magik's presence Rhylance would be an easy target here on the Matron. Magik wanted to ambush Rhylance while he shopped in Chute Town. The crew was to alert Magik when Rhylance was in the main hangar bay of Chute Town. As Magik prepared himself for their meeting . He waited hidden in his suite aboard the Godless Matron.

"Magik, we have spotted Rhylance in Chute Town and he is alone," as the crew responded to Magik's comlink. Arcona knew of his whereabouts and had tipped Magik off to this very meeting, as he was looking to buy weapons from the specialty shops here on the Matron.

Magik exited his quarters and headed out to the main hangar bay of Chute Town. Chute town was like an alleywayof storefronts with an assortment of goods. Several stories high extending from end to end of the battleship.

Magik slipped through the crowds of Chute Town unnoticed as he made his way towards Rhylance, who was standing out in the open in front of the shops. Magik then crept up behind Rhylance while emitting his lightsaber. The Chiss turned as quickly as he could while Magik made a sweeping stab at him with his blade.

Creon Neverse, 22 September, 2018 9:13 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You set up the scene pretty well, and gave reason as to why Magik was coming for Rhylance. It was pretty interesting to see someone having influence in Chute Town, too. Normally people have their characters wandering in and out like their nobodies, but here Magik has guards and crew members listening and working for him. Interesting change of pace and goes against the expected norm.

Can Be Improved

"Guard, escort me to my quarters," he needes to gather his thoughts.

Either a tiny mispelling or grammar issue here. Nothing a rundown through spellcheck or grammarly won’t fix.

As they had been waiting his arrival.

Incomplete Sentence

As he perused the many vendors aboard the Godless Matron, searching for new ingredients for his poison work, Rhylance saw a reflection in a nearby window. When he heard the not so subtle hiss of the awakening lightsaber, the Chiss spun around, moving slightly aside and just barely escaping the clutches of certain death by ducking inside the nearest store. His assailant followed him inside, keeping up his relentless barrage of reserved strikes.

Rhylance didn’t have much time to anticipate or dodge the attacks, but he watched intently as the assassin moved. His attacker glided across the floor of the shop, swerving between terrified customers and racks of merchandise, keeping a fully balanced footing. His swings were relaxed, almost deceptively gentle to the eye, but the Chiss knew they were deadly and accurate. This warrior was well trained in his saber arts, but one thing grew more and more clear to the Quaestor. As learned as he was in his fighting techniques, his other attributes just didn’t match up. His attacks were accurate, but his speed and strength didn’t follow through, and that would be his downfall.

In truth, Rhylance was thankful that Magik attacked him in the busy marketplace. He was able to use the multiple customers that lined the shops aisles to better keep his opponent at a distance. This also caused an uproar of the masses and their fear kept both the hunted and the hunter apart long enough for the Quaestor to work out a plan and examine the situation better.

As the civilian populace around the marketplace ran and screamed, Rhylance studied his opponents features. They were quite familiar to the medical scientist. Short, spiked, jet black hair, amber eyes, and tanned skin. They reflected the physical attributes of a dossier the new Quaestor had studied pertaining to his underlings.

“Magik?” Rhylance questioned aloud, causing his assailant to briefly pause his relentless assault. “You would attempt to murder your own Quaestor?”

“You were my target Rhylance, that’s all that matters. I complete my assignments, and I stay alive. Your life means little in comparison to mine.”

The Chiss observed the scene around them. The shop was ruined. Saber marks scorched the numerous racks and the vendors goods were littered across the floor. Reflective metal panels lined the walls and the shopkeeper was hiding behind the counter talking into a comm device. It wouldn’t be long before Matron security arrived to clean up this mess. He wanted to finish this blight against his command as Quaestor in earnest.

“Magik, it is clear you have been assigned to assassinate me. My only question is, by whom? If you tell me, I can promise leniency towards you.” The Chiss spoke lightly and without firm promises. Magik would suffer for his indiscretion, the only question was how much suffering there would be.

“My job is clear, Rhylance. You die; there is no alternative.”

Magik positioned himself to strike, and Rhylance pulled out his blaster. With the Sith’s saber ability, he didn't think he could hit him dead on, but attacking the Sith so that he could retreat was a viable option in this instance. Rhylane fired several shots towards the reflective panels around the shops, sending richoteting blaster bolts around Magik. As he watched Magik deal with the bolts, the Chiss ran out of the shop, attempting to put some distance between them and prepare for a counter offensive in his own way.

The Sith deflected the bolts one by one in quick succession, but he could feel the sweat begin forming upon his brow. Having to turn his body to block each shot had left the human distracted and he didn’t notice the Chiss escape. Once finished, he noticed that Rhylance has escaped and immediately moved to follow.

He couldn’t have gotten to far, he told himself. Leaving the shop, Magik searched for his quarry. He wanted to end the fight soon as well. Feeling his victory was still assured the Human wanted to collect his reward and rest.

Creon Neverse, 22 September, 2018 9:13 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I enjoy the tactic behind Rhylance’s train of thought. The man uses incorporates his environment, assets, time, and enemy into consideration before formulating a strategy. It’s what makes intelligent characters fun to read about. Rhylance use of the panicking crowd to buy him time to develop a ploy, and created more distance with his blaster to buy time. As opposed to weapons drawn and hope for the best.

Can Be Improved

Magik, it is clear you have been assigned to assassinate me. My only question is, by whom?

Nothing wrong or anything that is to be detracted from this, but there is a good opportunity that I think was missed. We never found out why Magik came for Rhylance, who he was sent by, and what compelling reason made it worth going against his Quaestor. If your opponent doesn’t expand on this, it doesn’t hurt for you to. It makes the story more interesting and complete, which only helps bring that score up.

As Magik exitted the storefront of Chute Town he retracted his lightsaber. The store was heavily damaged in the tussle. Racks lay in pieces on the ground from lightsaber attacks. The heavy panels were scortched and burnt. The person on shift was now very flustered after just witnessing the attempt on the Quaestor. The people in near by shops went running for their lives as the story unfolded. Rhylance gave a superb defense as he rang out blaster bolts in Magik's direction. Which were easily misstepped as Magik continually persued him out in the open. Security was now on their way to the scene. Magik had a moment to gather his thoughts as the event only infuriated Magik.

The Chiss took of running in that direction. He blended into the crowd as he scurried throught the Matron. Perhaps attempting to make an escape off the premises. Magik had been tipped off earlier in the night regarding the whereabouts of the Lieutenant's ship. Magik knew he could catch him trying to flee the scene. Security would not be looking for Magik and they knew what he had came for. Magik quietly followed behind his target down the gigantic halls of the Matron in a steady manner. Although the Chiss was out of sight Magik knew where he could be found. In the Matrons main loading dock where his transport was.

Magik entered the main docking platform where Rhylance transport was docked. The ship was now fired up as the Chiss attempted escape. Magik caught him offguard as he was preparing to leave the Matron. There he was standing on the platform. "Rhylance there is NO escape," Magik muted the Chiss as he proceeded to pace in his direction. With his wrist Magik aimed at Rhylance from his Lanvarok as he ejected several discs. As they went flying through the hangar bay a single disc lodged Rhylance in the stomach as he was trying to figure out wich way he could manuever to defy the attack. Moments later the Chiss fell to his knees. Magik walked closer to him as he pulled the lightsaber from his belt. "This is how it has to end Quaestor, your days are over," Magik calmed him as he knelt on the ground. Magik now standing behind Rhylance emitted his blade straight through the Lieutenants chest. Impaling him instantly with a single stroke of his arm. The Chiss body fell to the floor in a bloody mess. Magik quietly retracted his lightsaber back to his belt clip as the sound echoed throughout the dock. The mission was a success!

Creon Neverse, 22 September, 2018 9:13 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

As they went flying through the hangar bay a single disc lodged Rhylance in the stomach as he was trying to figure out wich way he could manuever to defy the attack.

Sometimes if you think too much about things, you lose time on the present. Rhylance has a quick wit, but this shows that sometimes relying too much on brain strategems can get you killed by something as easy as a disk.

Can Be Improved

Syntax issues aside, this is a relatively short post. There was a lot of opportunity to draw out the story. Most expect the ending post to lead with your character as the victor, so adding a struggle or something with depth could make that victory more compelling for readers. There is also some repetition from the previous post that didn’t need to be covered twice.

Rhylance deftly moved between the many bodies that formed the fleeing mob. The Godless Matron was truly a masterwork in engineering and the sheer number of inhabitants and visitors astounded the Chiss. Keeping his eyes peeled, he scoured the area for anything that could be used to hide himself. Spotting a nearby old cloak hanging off of a now-abandoned outlet, he grabbed the brown and tan garment and threw it over his head and shoulders, covering his blue skin from view that would have been a dead giveaway. Rejoining the crowd, he learned that they had hit a dead end and would have to turn around.

A scream nearby caused the crowd to go silent. Everyone turned to see Magik standing in the back of the group with his lightsaber emitted. The crimson glow, accompanied by the rhythmic humming of the blade, promised danger to any who got in the Sith’s way. Rhylance kept out of sight, copying the pleading words spoken by the rest of the civilians in their native tongues. He may not have known what they were saying, but the intent was clear, as was the fear they exuded through their voices.

Magik scanned over the crowd with his eyes, but he saw no sign of blue flesh. A Chiss would stand out in a crowd like this, which meant he was hiding. Reaching out with his feelings, the Sith opened up his mind to hear the distant thoughts of the nearby shoppers. He stepped through the crowd, his mind opened and linked to those around him. He needed to find his quarry and he wouldn’t stop until the Quaestor was dead.

Rhylance silently observed the Sith as he stepped through the terrified crowd. The Human had sweat dripping down his forehead and his breathing seemed to be slightly labored. The Medic realized that Magik’s body just wasn’t trained to a level to handle an extended confrontation, and his use of the Force was speeding up the tiring process. Reaching into his coat, the Quaestor pulled out a scalpel and silently waited to be found.

Magik continued to walk through the crowd until he heard a familiar sounding mental voice.

That traitor, trying to kill me, his own Quaestor. How dare he defile the name Arcona like this!

Instantly the Human followed the thoughts to their source. The Chiss’s voice rang inside his head, growing louder as he approached a hunched over figure wearing a decrepit-looking cloak. His blade was ready. This time, Rhylance wouldn’t get away.

“Turn around, Rhylance, let's not make this any harder than it needs to be,” Magik taunted slightly, knowing he had won.

“I will extend my offer this one time, Magik. Tell me who ordered my death, and I will show leniency for your transgressions,” the Chiss spoke with an authoritative voice as he turned around slowly, his crimson eyes meeting Magik’s amber orbs.

“Your words are meaningless to me, Rhylance. For my benefit, I complete my charge.”

Magik raised his arm to strike down his foe with his lightsaber. Rhylance, only slightly faster than the Sith, brandished his scalpel and cut the Human across his now exposed side, slicing through the robes and releasing a paralytic toxin into Magik’s bloodstream. Magik recoiled in pain, his lightsaber nearly skewering a different civilian.

“Your body was already tiring. This will help my poison travel through your systems, and you should begin to feel numb in your arms,” Rhylance explained to the wide-eyed Sith.

To the Chiss’s credit, Magik’s arms indeed went numb. He couldn't feel his hands anymore, and his lightsaber fell from his grasp, deactivating as it fell. Magik could only stare in wonder as he felt his body grow stiffer. He tried to move, but he had been too tired before. Extended connection to the Force drained him.

Rhylance smirked as he looked down on his underling. This would be the moment dissention vanished from House Qel-Droma. Many in the terrified crowd began to cheer at the Sith’s fall, and all too soon their happiness was cut short.

“Alright, alright, everybody clear on out now. Nothing to see here!”

Several of the Godless Matron security officers stormed into the area, intent on capturing the troublemaker. Rhylance refused to allow this. Standing up tall, he approached the highest ranking officer and spoke.

“This man will be coming with me. He is a warrior under my command who committed treason and must now be dealt with.”

“Sorry, Chiss, the jurisdiction is ours. Move along now.”

Rhylance merely smiled. He knew who these brutes reported to, and what she would expect in return.

“You tell your boss, Selika, that you are delivering a message from the Blind Man of Port Ol’Val. If she wants to open trade routes with Ol’Val, this man comes with me.”

The guard's eyes went wide. Nothing was said as if he was listening to someone in his ear before motioning to the other guards. They left the area, and the patrons of the Godless Matron went back to their days.

Now to get Magik to the Port. Lucine is sure to have a field day with his mind, the Chiss though as his eyes burned with a fiery intensity and he grinned.

Creon Neverse, 22 September, 2018 9:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“You tell your boss, Selika, that you are delivering a message from the Blind Man of Port Ol’Val. If she wants to open trade routes with Ol’Val, this man comes with me.”

Elements like these make us curious and wanting more. They are great to include and expand upon character relationships with other characters in the brotherhood, like how Rhylance is familiar with Selika. This is nice to have, but I also have no idea why they care about Port Ol’Val or who the Blind Man was. With narrative explanation, this would help story everytime.

Can Be Improved

The crimson glow, accompanied by the rhythmic humming of the blade,

So, funny story. Magik’s blade isn’t red. According to his snapshot, the lightsaber cosmetic is described as “see dossier/snapshot image” which in this case, the blade is blue. I get he’s a Sith, and Siths use red. But be a little bit more careful in future matches with instances like these.

That traitor, trying to kill me, his own Quaestor. How dare he defile the name Arcona like this! Instantly the Human followed the thoughts to their source.

I’ll hand it to you that this is a pretty creative way for Magik to find Rhylance. I like it. Although Magik could hear the thoughts of Rhylance without focusing on him, it wouldn’t give him the ability to find him through that. It isn’t like hearing a voice to your left or right.