Reaver Jo Bru vs. Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Reaver Jo Bru

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Mercenary, Ace
vs.

Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the Tempered Iron ACC competition. It's nice to see faces both familiar and new be active, and I hope to see more of you both even after the competition has been completed. The story had overall was a decent setup, though it took quite a while for the actual conflict to happen. Combat didn't initiate until the end of the 2nd post, which given alternate endings, is close to the last quarter of the story. There were some very interesting elements that can help make a story more dynamic, and it was touched upon in the comments to keep them. However, some elements also worked against it that counteracted as well. I was pretty detailed on the major things that are worth keeping, as well as elements to look out for. I hope they are helpful when moving forward into future matched.

The winner of this match is Lucine Vasano

~ Judged by Creon Saldean

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Jo Bru, Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Winner Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Jo Bru's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 19 September, 2018 11:57 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Lucine Vasano
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: The comments from the first post list a few, but there was quite a bunch in various areas that showed a need for refining in syntax. My advice is to get a proofreader who can assist and correct those errors, and can also provide help in developing good habits. Though overall it didn't hurt from making the story unclear in anyway. Rationale: Small issues were found, but none that were blatantly obvious nor detracted from the story.
Story - 40%
Deleted Lucine Vasano
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: There was a story with a beginning, middle, and end. The NPC inclusion towards the end was a nice feature, though it was a conflicting one in how they were used. As good as it was, it was counteracted by the lack of combat in the first post. The ACC is about combat between the two members, and that has to be included. Rationale: It's fun to see Lucine at work doing what she does best. She's got the charm, and everybody knows that. Though it was a bit hard to believe why she came after Jo to begin with. This is mentioned more in detail in the comments.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: In post #3, there was a part where Jo was happy from feeling a thud in his chest that resonated from an explosion. However, he was in midair when the explosion occurred. The thud feeling wouldn't have made its way to be felt by him. Rationale: The lack of pain through taking grenade strapnel needed to be addressed somehow. See the comments for details.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: In the first post, it had Jo scooping up his helmet, meaning he wasn't wearing it. In the third post he was wearing a mask. This is confusing because there was no clarity in whether he put on his helmet, if the helmet was a mask, or if he wore a mask in addition to the helmet. Rationale: No issues found.
Deleted's Score: 3.05 Lucine Vasano's Score: 3.8
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

The excited roars of commerce would erupt through the ominous fog of the Matron as the ‘self-proclaimed’ picture of perfection slammed a neural scanner down onto a service desk.

“I don’t appreciate being swindled..” The Mandalorian spat, quickly interrupted by the irritated guttural thunderings of the Ithorian standing in front of him; The creature, in his own right, did not appreciate the accusation.

“Give me… my Credits.” Demanded the youngster as he rested his right hand on the grip of his Reynolds.

The Ithorian responded in a foreign dialect and waved over the Security Droid which was purposefully standing in the corner of the second-floor establishment.

“So, it’s like that?” Jo Bru eyed the miscreant. “Do you know who I am?”

The Ithorian thundered once more with now squinting eyes which would do little but provoke the Human.

Closing his eyes and nodding, Jo signified acceptance before he opened them. The icy blue orbs were already locked onto the approaching Droid and his hand was rotating the barrel of his Slugthrower from its holster with blinding speed. As it cleared, he squeezed off a shot that bored a hole through the center of the machines head and left a smoldering hole in its processor.

The Ithorian gasped and backpedaled, knocking his treasures from his shelves until the hydraulic door to his back room slid shut behind him.

The Droid slunk to the floor.

“Nice shot.” Came a soft voice from behind the blonde Mandalorian. It was the first appealing sound he had heard since arriving and was more than enough to cause him to turn, equipped with a charming smile.

“Well, well, well.” Was the only thing he could muster as the woman standing before him was very pleasing to the eye.

“Would you mind putting that thing away?” She added, not taking her eyes off of the smoking barrel of his recently fired weapon.

“Oh, my apologies.” He replied as he flipped the weapon around in his hand and gracefully slid it back into its home.

“What would bring someone like you to a place like thi..” Bru started to say before noticing the Lightsaber at her waist. “I see. So what is it then, what’s the job, dead or alive, how much?” He lightly interrogated.

“You assume much, yet while I’m not currently in a position to say too much too soon,” Lunice shook her head with a smirk. “It’s not that simple.” She added. “You look to be an able sort. However, I feel it would be unwise to simply throw credits and someone as young.” She paused to look at his cybernetic leg. “Or as reckless as you, without first testing you.”

The eyes of the Arconan danced as she gazed into his. His mind began to fill with fog and a strange sensation crept over him.

Jo Bru was quick to break his stare and wall up his weakness.

“Let’s go?” He smiled once more as he scooped his helmet from the table and sunk it down over his head.

Creon Neverse, 23 September, 2018 12:15 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

‘self-proclaimed’ picture of perfection

The shortest of words can tell you the most sometimes. This hits two of Jo’s aspects pretty well, and tells your readers a lot about him. The looks and the ego that goes with it. Didn’t even need a full sentence to relay that. Good writing.

“without first testing you.”

Lucine is a pretty face, and she uses that to use people. You play this out pretty well with having Jo roll with it.

Can Be Improved

“I don’t appreciate being swindled..” The Mandalorian spat,

Good rule of thumb: If ellipses are being used, always three periods. Never two, four, or more. Another good rule of thumb is if there is a narrative description followed by dialogue, best to use just a comma every time.

thorian standing in front of him; The creature, in his own right, did not appreciate the accusation.

Both sentences were actually complete and didn’t need a semicolon.

“Give me… my Credits.”

Credits didn’t need to be capitalized.

Also… where’s the combat? Jo is suppose to be fighting Lucine.

Jo followed Lucine as she strode out of the shop and onto the street. Chute Town was a bustle of activity despite the late hour, with a myriad of races perusing the shops and stalls. The Sith paused just outside the door, skimming her surroundings with a critical eye. At last, her gaze fell upon a hulking Gamorrean who was bending over to examine a display of vibro-weapons.

“Him,” the Sith said as she gestured toward the porcine mercenary. “Neutralize that Gamorrean and we will talk further.”

“Seriously?” Jo could not help but to grin as he sized up the pudgy target. “No problem. This will be easy!”

He stepped forward, reaching down to retrieve one of the slugthrowers that hung at his hip. However, he was stopped by a delicate hand on his shoulder. “Please, darling, I would rather see you neutralize him using hand to hand combat,” Lucine purred. “I have heard so much about your skills, and I would love to see you in action.”

“Sure, no sweat,” Jo said, his cocksure grin never leaving his face. “Watch and prepare to be impressed.” He shook off her hand and strode toward his new target. As he walked, he triggered his bracers, and the twin blades emerged with a quiet snikt.

When he was directly behind the Gamorrean, he glanced back at the redhead. She had pulled out a datapad and was observing him closely, occasionally tapping notes into the interface. He turned back to the Gamorrean and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, you!”

The Gamorrean turned and the Reaver struck, aiming for his opponent’s chest. The hollowed, ceramic blade shattered as it impacted with the porcine humanoid’s armor, but the force of the blow itself was enough to get his attention. The mercenary’s piggy eyes widened in surprise at Jo’s audacious attack. Then, with a squeal of rage, he snatched up a vibro-axe and swung it at him.

“Too easy,” Jo laughed as he ducked. The axe passed overhead, barely ruffling his perfect blonde hair. The Reaver then struck a second time, relying on the force of his punch in lieu of his broken blade. He aimed for the fat that protruded from beneath the Gamorrean’s chest plate. His fist sank deep into his abdomen, causing his opponent to double over in pain. Grinning, Jo stood up and brought his knee up to connect with the porcine humanoid’s snout. His opponent grunted before collapsing to the ground, unconscious.

“Oh, well done,” Lucine murmured as she tapped a few more notes into her datapad. “You did a masterful job of disabling him.”

“I told you you’d be impressed!” Jo replied. “So, do I get the job?”

The redhead quirked a brow, her lips curving into a coy smile. “Oh dear. I am so sorry, darling, but I am afraid you misunderstood. You are not auditioning for the job. You are the job.”

Bru paused, a look of confusion crossing his perfect features. “What?”

“I was tasked with collecting more data concerning your abilities,” Lucine explained as she tapped a few more notes into the interface. “My contact will be quite grateful for the intel. Thank you ever so much for your cooperation.”

Jo’s eyes narrowed as he considered the situation. He had no idea who would want information about his abilities, but he had to assume that they did not have good intentions. “I don’t think so. Hand over that datapad, now!”

“That is not going to happen,” Lucine replied with a smirk. “You performed admirably, darling! Thank you for giving me what I needed. You may run along now.”

Bru could not shake the feeling that there was something off about the situation. The Force-user had to know that she was not safe, yet she stood there bragging and practically begging him to attack her. Was it overconfidence on her part? Maybe. But one thing was certain: he could not let her send that information to her contact.

He did not bother to reply to her mocking words. Instead, he retrieved his slugthrower from its holster and aimed it at the redhead. He squeezed off a single shot before she had time to react. Lucine’s eyes widened in shock as the datapad in her hand sparked from the slug that passed neatly through it. It fell from nerveless fingers, revealing the crimson hole in her chest where the slug had embedded itself. Without a word, she crumpled to the ground.

Jo snorted at the ease with which he had dispatched the Force-user. But there was something niggling in the back of his mind. Something about the situation still bothered him. He strode forward to stand over the woman’s corpse, his finger on the slugthrower trigger in case this was some sort of trick.

The woman’s green eyes were open wide and staring blankly up at him. She lay unmoving as smoke drifted lazily from the gaping hole in her chest. She was obviously dead. Yet as he continued to try to silence the voice of doubt in the back of his mind, he heard the sound of an igniting lightsaber. He whirled, instinctively raising his weapon toward the sound of the plasma weapon.

Lucine, as it turned out, was standing behind him. The emerald blade flashed and the slugthrower sparked as it was sliced neatly in two. “That was most unchivalrous, darling,” the redhead said with a tsk.

For a fraction of a second, Jo thought his life was over. She had been playing him all along, virtually disarming him before even making contact. “The Gamorrean,” He thought to himself “my blade, now this?” His mind raced as the barrel of his most prized possession fell to the floor. He had to think fast. “This she-devil has bested me. I gotta fall back, now.” Flashed his thoughts, all the while, his helmet was scanning his surroundings and feeding him valuable information.

“Chivalry is dead because of women like you.” Jo jested, quick to ease the tension in an attempt to buy time.

However, this was no laughing matter and Lucine was not impressed as she offered a soft sneer and readied her wrist. Jo, stayed focused on her subtle movements and watched as her stance shifted; it rang alarms within his mind.

“Here it comes!” His instincts screamed and as quickly as the thoughts flooded his brain, he jettisoned fuel into his jet-pack with a quick burst. It was enough to get the job done as it thrust him into the air and away from the Arconan’s follow-up.

She huffed as her blade cut through air, just missing an opportunity to incapacitate the legs of her target, yet there he was, suspended in air above her.

“Somebody doesn’t know how to play nice,” he added to her frustration, “Ah well” He closed while drawing his secondary pistol. Four shots rang out as each slug connected with what appeared to be a metal plate she had been standing on. However, upon further inspection,

“Fool, you didn’t even hit me, some expert you are.” She chuckled to add emphasis. ‘pop-pop-pop’ three more shots in succession pelted her footing. Yet, this time the metal began to groan before it buckled beneath her. It was a hatch. A rusted old hatch to a dilapidated shuttle used for a storefront.

Jo smirked behind his mask as he unclasped a frag grenade from his belt and in quick succession activated it, tossing it into the smoking hole.

The flash of light was glorious and the dull thud of the explosion made him feel good when that familiar thump hit his chest.

His jet-pack wound down and he descended to the front of the shop. The owner screamed in Huttese, clearly furious as his ‘flawless’ goods were reduced to scrap but it mattered little to Jo.

He expected to see the bloodied cadaver of his beautiful stalker but was immediately disappointed as the renovated Shuttle appeared to be empty. If his head were exposed he would scratch it as he scanned for signs of life. He peered into the smoking heap and noticed that these stores were connected by various pathways, unseen from the outside.

“Bah!” He shouted as he slinked inside. “Where have you gone?” He spoke to himself as he saw a group of individuals staring at him with anger.

“That’s him,” One of them shouted, “She told us not to let him through.”

“We heard you like to assault women.” Spat another with a unique rage in his eyes.

“I don’t have time for this, gentlemen. I suggest you step aside.” Said Jo, looking past them to see Lucine slipping away.

“Get him!” The puppets hissed as they formed a line and charged him. Jo growled in anger as he flicked his wrist and lined up a shot which sent a slug through the chest of a Rodian, next was a Sullustan, their bodies hit the floor one by one as he fired rounds slower than they closed the distance. Before he knew it, one was clambering up a pile of junk, reaching for his wrist. Another was diving for his legs. With reckless abandon they moved in, oblivious to any harm that may befall them.

The Mandalorian fought back and smashed his Slugthrower against the skull of a Human ruffian which sent blood splattering against the wall. Another roar burst free from his Helmet as he twisted his arm and sunk his remaining hidden blade into the throat of a Spacer. At this point he was surrounded and being subdued. However, as Lucine became but a memory, they let go of him, looking at him with confusion and screaming as they saw the small pile of bodies surrounding them.

“Get off of me!” The Reaver shouted as he shoved one of his living restraints away. She had escaped and with the Datapad. His gut instantly filled with an uneasy feeling as he realized that their destinies were now intertwined and this was far from being over. But as far as he was concerned, she wasn’t the enemy. The one who put a contract out on him was. His new mission? Find them.

Cursing, Jo dropped back a few steps before activating his jetpack. As he rocketed into the air, he grabbed his second slugthrower and began raining slugs upon the redhead. Her eyes narrowed with concentration as she fell into a defensive stance. The slugs were vaporized as she maneuvered her lightsaber to block them. It was an impressive defense, but not a perfect one. As he fired two shots in rapid succession, she swung her lightsaber to destroy one. The second opened a thin cut on her cheek as it grazed past.

It was chaos all around them. The people on the street were pushing and shoving, trying to put distance between themselves and the combatants. The retreating crowd provided one benefit, in that it was keeping the crew of the Matron from reaching them quickly. Even still, Jo knew that he had to end this quickly. Hastily, he snatched the fragmentation grenade from his belt and let it fall.

Lucine’s eyes widened as she saw the grenade. She whirled and took off in a run, trying to put distance between herself and the explosive. It detonated on impact with the ground, sending glittering bits of shrapnel in all directions. Though the redhead had managed to avoid the impact, she gasped with pain as she felt metal tearing through her armor and into her flesh.

“If I get any scars from that, I will have your head on a platter!” she shouted up at him as she made a gesture with one manicured hand. “Nevermind the fact that you have ruined my outfit! Come down here and fight!”

Jo grinned from his vantage point. Why not? She talks a good game, but obviously doesn’t have the skills to back it up, he thought confidently. But he paused just as he started to lower himself to the ground. Why would he do that? Why would he willingly put himself within the reach of a woman whose sword could cut through almost anything? It simply did not make sense. He shook off the impulse. “Stay out of my head, schutta!” He yelled as he fired his slugthrower at her.

“I would, darling, but nature does abhor a vacuum,” the Sith replied with a smirk as she once again shattered the slug before it could reach her. Jo fired again and again. The lightsaber whirled and flashed, causing the slugs to disintegrate before they could find their mark. As she defended herself, Lucine slowly backed up until she was standing at the door of the shop they had met in. She offered him a sweet smile as she deactivated her lightsaber before disappearing inside.

“Damn it,” Jo cursed as he guided himself to the ground. Common sense told him it was foolhardy to engage in close combat, but he had to retrieve that datapad!

Realizing that she could come at him from any angle, he quickly tore off his helmet in order to better utilize his peripheral vision. He darted into the shop, tumbling low to avoid being struck by a lightsaber. But the blow did not come. As he rolled up onto his knees, his hands raised to defend himself, he looked around to see that the shop appeared empty.

“Where are you?” he demanded into the empty space.

“Right here,” the woman said as she blinked into view a few feet away. She stood with one hand held behind her back.

Assuming she was holding her lightsaber hilt, Jo closed the distance with a powerful gait, slashing at her with one of his blades. The woman pushed his hand to the side, causing the blade to graze her arm instead of piercing her heart. She then struck with her hidden hand. It was not a lightsaber that she held, but a small cloth bag that exploded as the heel of her palm connected with the bridge of his nose. Cartilage crunched loudly under the force of the blow, and his eyes watered, made worse by the gritty dust that had been in the bag.

Jo lashed out blindly at the spot where the woman had previously stood, but his blade found nothing but air. Then there was a flash of red in his blurred vision as he felt a kick connect solidly with his non-cybernetic knee. He collapsed with a heavy thud.

The Reaver could not help but to grin despite the throbbing pain of his broken nose. He had cut her, which meant the debilitating poison was now working its way into her bloodstream. All he had to do was clear his vision, then he could teach the schutta a lesson in respect.

“Thank you, darling,” he heard the Sith say. He was satisfied to note that her voice did not sound as confident as before. It held a slight tremble that made it clear that she was already feeling the effects of the poison. But then, he heard the sound of retreating footsteps. “I will be certain to add this additional information to your dossier. But I am afraid I am suddenly feeling unwell. I think perhaps I shall take my leave before the Matron’s crew arrive.”

With a growl, Jo got slowly to his feet as he tried to clear the blinding dust from his eyes. But even through his blurred vision, he could see that the redhead was gone. Much as he would have loved to have gone another round with her to really show her what he could do, she had made a good point. The authorities would be here soon. He would have to see to his own escape and look forward to settling the score another day.

Creon Neverse, 23 September, 2018 12:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There’s a good narrative here in both character perspectives. A lot of ACC writers tend to focus closely on just their own character. Which, when one is writing with both characters, it’s good to take both into perspective. This is an identifying feature of an experienced writer, and we see this example in this post. Keep it up.

Can Be Improved

Though the redhead had managed to avoid the impact, she gasped with pain as she felt metal tearing through her armor and into her flesh.

So… That hurts. Believe me, it sucks, and the body will NOT let it be ignored. There was no instance of pain, limping, or no mention in using Control Self to dull away the pain. Also, depending on the depth that the metal traveled, it could be fatal, hindering her performance even more, or even a quick fall to her death. It’s better to be specific on the severity of taking an injury, as well as how someone reacts to being injured.