Acolyte Fenrir vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Acolyte Fenrir

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

To begin, this match was decided regardless of outcome in scoring due to the posting limit being broken in Fenrir's final post. 1000 was the hard cap word limit. As a result, a DQ is received for this competition.

That said, I didn't want to leave a full match without some comments. I didn't do a deep dive, so don't look for any post comments, but I included a cursory review and some rationale.

What I saw here was a lot of opportunity for improvement. Fenrir, your writing style is very good. You seem to strive for a very organic flow of action and narration. Sometimes it's just too clipped, but the blueprint is there. I'd lean into that and getting yourself good proofing to really elevate what's going on. You took the brunt of the story work in setting things up, and seemed like you had an idea for it, but you never went further with it. That's something I want to see more of. Take it, bring it to life, and delve into the characterizations.

Andrelious, I read into a bit of match fatigue here. It seemed like you were just writing what was necessary rather than going all out. As a result, you never took the reigns in story and just responded without adding to it. You made a good attempt at bringing the characters to life with more dialogue, but it just seemed flat otherwise. There really wasn't anything that stood out, but there wasn't anything bad about that either. Just not great.

Thank you both for participating and finishing the match, even if a DQ occurred.

With that said, Andrelious gets the win.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Fenrir, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 30 September, 2018 10:27 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Nocturnus
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: It's rare to find more obvious mistakes in your writing, but there was at least one "HIs" that stood out front and center. I didn't do a deeper dive than that. Rationale: There were many typos and phrasing issues between your two posts. It didn't always make it difficult to read, but it was like taking a metaphorical walk and tripping repeatedly as I reached them.
Story - 40%
Deleted Nocturnus
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Rationale:
Realism - 25%
Deleted Nocturnus
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing in your post stood out. Rationale: The section in your closing post stood out for stretching expected realism with the use of Stun (with Slow at +2, making it requiring concentration to even trigger it, which isn't conveyed) and the Imploder, then the after effects of the implosion as well as Andrelious' dash out.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Nocturnus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There was nothing that stood out. Rationale: There was nothing that stood out.
Deleted's Score: 4.05 Nocturnus's Score: 3.85
Posts

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

When the First Order beset on Takadona, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takadona, and is littered with ancient ruins that resemble the structure of the castle itself. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

It was a stunningly beautiful day on Takadona. Although the castle in the middle of the forest lay in a huge and complete ruin, some may still consider the landscape peaceful or even stunning. The bright sun shining overhead, occasionally hiding behind cotton wool clouds and reflecting like millions of shards of diamonds on the lake in front of the castle, a cool and crisp wind blowing from the north, and the birds chirping happily over the lake, the ruins and on the banks. Yes, it was a stunning day, perfect for a vacation. But then it all changed. This ancient battleground would see battle yet again...


Suddenly, the atmosphere became charged with activity and chaos. Birds and beasts of the forest flew or ran to take cover, as a large ship came down from the blue sky. With a loud hissing sound and the clang of metals, the ship's descended on the ground near the ruins and in time its engines shut down. Momentarily, Andrelious stepped out. Garbed in his prized Equite Robes and a Sith Zeyd Cloak Coat, under which hid an assortment of weapons. He strode out of his ship, observing the surroundings, almost absentmindedly rubbing his chin. He had not shaved for days now. He was on the way to his Clan's territories after completing an important and confidential mission. Unfortunately, his ship got soundly damaged in an unavoidable asteroid field. The engines were fried. Takadona was the nearest planet.

On one hand, he held the ship's engine maintenance manual, hoping to conduct some repairs. He already communicated to the leadership of his plight. Help was on the way, he was told. All he needed to do was to sit tight and wait. Still, he was restless and desired to use the manual to good use. He turned to return to the ship. "How hard could it be?" That was when he sensed it.

It began as a sudden eerie feeling. He frowned, turned and looked around. Nothing. It was too quiet. Dead silence reigned across the landscape. He turned to board the ship, yet again the feeling plagued him with each step. Suddenly, warnings from the Force came of imminent danger. He spun on his heels to find a massive and fierce beast of a creature. Its hide was furry black and his head was wolvish. The creature wore a cloak and some kind of armor underneath. Yet that was not the problem. So sudden was its appearance and such fierce intensity was in its gaze that the human quailed momentarily. It stood a fair distance away, yet not too far.

Fenrir could almost sense the fear in his prey. He started walking towards him, slowly yet menacingly. He was enraged at the interruption which the ship brought. He was on a personal mission to the planet, and especially the ruins to detect any Force relics. His Master told him once that underneath all the ruins, ancient relics could still be found. Even beyond that, the ruins were not far from being a shrine to the budding Sith, where the Dark Side once prevailed over the Light in a battle.

For a few moments, Andrelious debated whether to seek the safety of his ship. At least he could defend his person better there. However, soon better sense prevailed and he looked closely. Monstrous as the form was, it was evidently a massive Shistavanen. One of the largest he had ever beheld, but they did not matter now. If the best wished him harm, it would face the full wrath of the Warlord.

"You will stop right there." There was no fear in his voice now. It rang clear across the area. Behind his back, he started curling his fingers and called on the Force.

The beast did not stop there but continued to close the distance faster. From the folds of its dark cloak, it drew a lightsaber and activated it. It glowed red and menacing just like its eyes.

Andrelious did not wait. Taking a step forward, he released his fury! A steam of lightning burst forth and sped across the distance towards the monstrous form in a continuous steam!

Fenrir was caught almost completely off-guard. He tried his best to allow his lightsaber to absorb the incoming lightning, but he was a fraction too slow and a small amount of Andrelious’ electric hatred snuck through.

“I suggest that you take that as your warning. I will not be so forgiving next time,” the Seeker stated.

The Shistavanen answered only with a low growl. Andrelious wasn’t even sure if his warning was understood, but he guessed from Fenrir’s body language that the Juggernaut was not about to back down. HIs stance gave away that he was still learning how to use a lightsaber.

This is going to be easy! the Taldryanite thought to himself.

“You’re a fool, then. I gave you a chance to leave here alive. No-one’s going to look for another body here,” Andrelious declared, his silver hilted lightsaber seemingly jumping into his hand.

Fenrir had only a few moments to ready himself before the attack came. Unlike the Plagueian, Andrelious had spent many years honing his technique with a lightsaber and that experience soon told as he swung his blade around in a manner that suggested he had total confidence in his own ability.

The Shistavanen’s defence wasn’t completely devoid of technique; he parried his enemy’s first few attacks in a deliberate, yet careful manner, but his movements were borne more of desperation than of instinct. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to last long if the onslaught continued for much longer, and Andrelious certainly didn’t look like he was going to stop until the job was done.

Mimosa-Inahj almost appeared to be enjoying himself. His movements seemed natural when compared to the rather clumsy technique of his opponent, allowing him to completely dictate the momentum of the encounter with aggressive, searching attacks that asked some very stern questions of Fenrir’s budding skills. Something was going to give sooner or later and the Shistavanen knew it was going to be him unless he changed something, and fast.

Fenrir could sense the Force flowing all around Andrelious. He was amazed with just how much of a dark presence the Human was, to the point that the whole area felt as cold as midnight on Hoth. The older Sith didn’t seem to be presenting any weaknesses, but the Plagueian decided to try something. Reaching out as far into the Force as he could manage whilst holding Mimosa-Inahj’s latest offensive at bay, Fenrir focused on his opponent’s connection to the Force.

Andrelious suddenly felt as though he’d lost a limb as his communion with the dark side abruptly stopped. Fenrir saw his chance and moved in on the attack, forcing a desperate block out of the Taldryanite who no longer had the Force helping steer his blade. The Shistavanen snarled in frustration and moved away and into the shadows; he could already sense his opponent’s connection coming back with the ferocity of a rampaging rancor.

Andrelious craned his head around in an effort to find his opponent. After a few moments searching he spotted the Plagueian sneaking deeper into the ruins.

Time for some beast control!

Fenrir was somewhat shaken after the onslaught of the man and was thankful for having the quick thinking to diffuse his connection to the Dark Side. Sure, this was no ordinary opponent. Even worse, the prey was not pursuing the hunter.

"I know you are in there! If you're not coming out, I'm coming in", said Andrelius. He lost no time in pursuing the best, for he knew that it was not beaten yet, and thus can be dangerous.

Fenrir saw the ruins as a good place to hide. Fallen pillars, collapsed stone ceilings, narrow vaulted passageways, and underground chambers offered plenty of chance to flee and even to plant an ambush. The Shistavanen knew that he needed all the tricks he wished to make out of this skirmish alive. There were two things which were likely to give him an advantage over his opponent: the ruined but still enclosed structure and the fact that the premises were almost pitch black.

"I gave you a fair warning, beast! I'm right on your tail", came a voice echoing through the chambers.

Fenrir almost wanted to wheel around and walk up to tear his opponent limb from limb after hearing that taunt. However, better sense prevailed, mixed with a slight degree of fear as well. This was a dangerous foe he was facing, one having skills stronger than him. The Shistavanen thus delved deeper into the dark ruins. Solid shafts of lift came from the occasional openings, lighting up the stone floor carpeted thick with dust which was taking in his each and every step. Trying to remove his footprints would take too much time, yet would make it very easy for anyone to find him. However, he can lure the man into a trap. That was more than worth trying, thought the beast with a relish. He was just looking for a specific nature of the room.

Andrelious pursued quickly, the beast's footprints led him on his way faster. Yet he was on his guard for any possible ambushes. One with the Force, he could sense how near the best was even without the footprints. The near-dark environment, however, was slowing him down.

Suddenly, he came into a room which was almost pitch black. The room was large, surrounded by stone walls and a stone cieling, he could just make out as he squinted his eyes. There was only one opening across the room. He immediately lit his lightsaber for its light to guide his way.

"I know you are in here somewhere! No use hiding. Give up and I just may spare your life"

Crouching a few distances away was Fenrir, ready to spring. Like his opponent, he could not see in the dark either, but he could see his foe's silhouette as he came in. With his back to the light, Andrelious was easy to make out. Fenrir knew that he could not waste any more time! Now was the time to strike. The massive Shistavanen lunged to tackle him, his Betaplast Shield in hand. The Force warned the human of impending danger, but he was a little too late to intercept it or move out of the way. From the shadows, Fenrir lunged and tackled him to the ground, his foe's lightsaber momentarily flying out of his hand. The human was sent flying a fair distance away due to the force of the impact and landed on the hard floor. The tackle by the monstrous Shistavanen dazed him. Andrelious gritted his teeth to focus fast, and not a moment too soon!

Fenrir started to smash his now-helpless foe with the shield, who now had only his limbs to protect his torso. The best wanted to crush him with the shield! A frightful struggle ensued! Andrelious knew he needed to do something fast. While he used his forearm to protect himself front the forceful impacts of the shield and moved his body away from the range of the vibroclaws which were aimed at his eyes and neck, he concentrated on the Force to move a medium sized fallen piece of heavy stone.

Suddenly, something heavy crashed against the left shoulder of the best even as he was about to slash at his throat. This unbalanced him momentarily. The human took this chance to draw his second lightsaber, rolled out of the way fast and back on his feet. His lightsaber was aglow with a light which cast ominous shadows across the room. Fenrir was only a few steps away, holding his shoulder.

Guided by the Dark Side, Andrelious attacked first.

Fenrir knew that he had to finish the fight soon. At fighting with lightsabers, he already knew how skilled his opponent was.

Andrelious lunged again, yet this time Fenrir was ready. Using the Force, he struck first. Suddenly, the human found his limbs felt like lead. He was unable to move!

Fenrir knew that this effect shall not remain indefinitely. From under his cloak, he brought out a Termal Imploder Grenade, activated it and lazily tossed it near his stunned foe. Knowing that the grenade had only seconds to explode, he flew towards the opening, augmenting his speed with the Force. and not too soon!

Inside, the Andrelious felt the cold fear of death perhaps for the first time. Stunned in place in this precarious situation, he cursed himself for having fallen into the trap. He should have seen it! Perhaps pursuing his beaten foe was a mistake as well! However, almost immediately, the effect of the Force Stun wore off. While his limbs still felt numb, he needed nothing more. Using the force to augment his speed, he forced his way out of the dark hall and quickly towards the entrance with inhuman speed!

Behind him, he felt the Thermal Imploder explode. This first explosion was non-lethal but was augmented perhaps a thousandfold due to being in an enclosed place, just like Fenrir wanted. Its force of impact energy tore through everything in its path, almost pursuing the human. The raw force of energy was almost throwing him off balance as he sprinted towards the safety of the entrance, the wide stone door against a seemingly pitch black room. Moments later, the second blast struck, destroying everything in its path! Andrelious got out just in time.

"Too much best hunting for one day!" He was considerably shaken and made way to his ship.

Andrelious was certainly not in a mood to allow the Shistavanen to escape. The young Sith had cut him off from the Force, albeit briefly, but the fact that Fenrir attacked the Taldryanite during his few moments of weakness proved without a doubt that the alien was prepared to kill.

Fenrir continued to try to sneak away, but he was aware that his opponent was already following him. He was hoping that he would quickly find a large enough gap in the wrecked masonry to make good his escape, but his huge frame precluded an easy exit.

“You too are empowered by the dark side! Yet you run like a coward!” Andrelious yelled, spotting the Plagueian rounding a corner. Fenrir didn’t even stop. He wasn’t about to play the game his new enemy wanted him to.

Ahead, the Shistavanen could see natural light. Smiling to himself, Fenrir allowed himself to speed up as he headed towards his potential salvation. As he reached the exit, he spotted that it was large enough for him to escape, but he would have to climb the crumbling remains of a staircase to reach it.

Here goes nothing! Fernir thought as he reached out to start his climb to safety.

Andrelious remained at a steady pace as he closed the gap between himself and his target. He didn’t want to tire himself out and risk giving Fenrir a chance at a counter attack. He reached the bottom of the ruined stairs and immediately spotted the Plagueian gingerly clambering upwards.

“Really? I think not!” the Seeker shouted.

Fenrir continued to ignore Andrelious. He kept on climbing, using his height to help bridge gaps that would have been too large for a smaller person. As he stepped across a smaller gap, however, the stair collapsed as soon as he fully planted his foot. Panicking, the Juggernaut reached for another ledge, but that fell apart, too.

Andrelious chuckled as he watched Fenrir scramble about. He was carefully pulling at the ruins with the Force, dislodging anywhere that his opponent tried to put his foot. The Plagueian was fast running out of places to go.

Sure enough, as he desperately tried to sidestep away from another piece of collapsing stairway, Fenrir lost his balance and fell downwards. Andrelious was forced to take a few steps back to avoid being completely flattened by the tumbling alien.

Fenrir didn’t even have time to get back on his feet before the Taldryanite blasted him with more lightning.

“Now you will see how a real Sith uses the Force, boy!” Andrelious bellowed between attacks.

Fenrir struggled to his feet, desperately wielding his lightsaber. Andrelious’ lightning had scorched large areas of his fur, burned his skin, and left him short of breath, but he saw his chance.

Growling something in his own language, the Plagueian charged, trying to stab his enemy straight through the chest. Andrelious grabbed his second, black hilted lightsaber, activating its blade with milliseconds to spare.

Fenrir didn’t even have time to curse before the older Sith tricked him with a feint and ended the conflict with a simple, yet deadly move that disconnected head from body.

“The bigger they are...” Andrelious said to himself as he walked away.