TuQ’uan looked at his Aedile in confusion. It didn’t make any sense to him, why would someone attack a person they already know, just to see if they could be trusted.
“What are you talking about Tahiri?” The Kel Dor stood his ground, however he suppressed the impulse to just shoot and wound Tahiri right then and there, so as to get an answer out her. He had seen the Togruta fight once when she had been only slightly wounded, and it had not been pretty for the guy who had hurt her.
Tahiri silently stared at the Quaestor with his pistol pointed at her, with piercing sulfuric yellow eyes. It felt like the Battlelord’s eyes were slowly assessing every inch of his body. TuQ hadn’t known the Togruta for very long, as a clan member or an Aedile. But he knew of her connection with the Dark side of the Force, especially upon hearing the stories about her Master, a Sith Epicanthix who went by Wrathus.
Tahiri always seemed so pleasant, and well, happy to be around. I don’t get any of this. Those eyes though, they have never looked right for her. I wonder what they were before that fracking Dark side Force magic, corrupted them. I bet they were really pretty. TuQ’uan thought to himself awaiting the Togruta’s next move.
Tahiri took a deep breath, watching for how TuQ would react. She didn’t like doing this sort of test on any clansman, but she had had to do it in within the battleteam her Master was leader of in Tarentum. It was a true test to see if there were any weak links in the chain. Normally it would involve a couple days of relentless and rigorous scouting small tests leading up to the final confrontation. Tahiri decided that with the circumstances of her new Plagueian clanmates, and everything from the slave rehabilitation, to the Collective interference, she could afford to do it in a quicker and more intense fashion.
She wanted to tell her Quaestor what was going on, however the Togruta knew that if she did, it would defeat the purpose of the test. The fact it was the first time she was doing this on a full-on superior, as a summit member, was one huge difference. The Battlelord had given the test mostly to those who were the same rank, slightly higher, or slightly lower, than she was at the time.
“I understand if you don’t entirely trust me. A lot of people don’t trust me, due to my profession.” TuQ’uan attempted to reason with Tahiri, the desperation and frustration evident in his voice. “But you can trust me Tahiri, as I thought I could trust you. You’re my Aedile!! I wouldn’t have agreed with the rest of the summit, if I thought I couldn’t trust you, Tahiri. So, why are you doing this? And why did you take my hat?”
Reaching deep for the Force, she finally replied to TuQ’uans’ question. Although it was hard for her to answer, without explaining the full situation to him. She sighed, before raising her hand.
“I can’t fully explain until I’m satisfied with what I get from you, TuQ. I’m sorry, but that’s a code I can’t break just yet. Now prepare yourself.” With a quick flick of her left wrist, Tahiri sent a pair of her throwing daggers towards TuQ’s legs.
TuQ’uan reacted quickly, he was lucky to have seen the glimmer of the blades before. He ran to his left for the cover of a giant crystal, firing his DL-44 pistol along the way, aiming for Tahiri’s abdominal area and legs.
The Battlelord ignited her crimson blade, sweeping it back and forth as she leapt, twisted, and whirled out of the line of fire. She evaded and redirected most of the plasma bolts harmlessly to the ground, avoiding any unwanted explosions from the surrounding crystals. Only one bolt had made it through her defense and hit her left thigh. When she landed several feet away, Tahiri almost fell to the ground, the pain shooting like lightning through the left side of her body.
“Well, well, TuQ. You are quite a good shot, to get past my blade and acrobatics.” Tahiri chuckled between sharply clenched teeth. She steeled herself, drawing upon the Force to heal the damage, or at least make the pain subside.
“Tahiri, please don’t do this. I don’t want to hurt you.” The Kel Dor cried out one last desperate plea for a truce. He truly didn’t want to hurt her, but would only if she made him do it, and even then he would regret it.
“We should be fighting our enemies, like the Collective, then each other. So please, Tahiri, don’t make me do this? And would you please give me my hat back!” For several moments there was silence, TuQ peeked cautiously around the edge of the crystal he was using for cover. The sight of Tahiri sitting with her back to a large crystal, just a few feet away, her saber hilt on the ground. Tahiri had her eyes closed. Concern ran through the Raider, as he wondered if he had somehow killed the young Togruta.
“TuQ’uan, you’ve won the test. I can feel the sincereness in you. I believe you, and you may come out now.” The calmness of her response surprised the Kel Dor, as he came out to check on her.
The Togruta opened her eyes, and smiled up at TuQ. Then with a wave of her hand, Tahiri brought the Raider’s hat from its perch atop a huge crystal from her right. With a plop, the Battlelord set it on the mercenaries bare head.
“You are both strange and… Interesting, Tahiri.” TuQ’uan stated, as he holstered his pistol and sat down next to the Togruta. The coolness of the hard crystal against his back, actually felt really good, especially after the fight. The gentle ambience of the crystal caves light was beautiful.
What Went Well
Use of the Venue
I’ve chosen to highlight this passage in particular as it provides a detailed explanation of the area TuQ and Tahiri are in and really brings the venue to life. This is one of the stronger elements of the post, and I would encourage the use of this style going forward. If I had to give some constructive criticism, I would suggest that the level of detail should be more equal, save for perhaps extremely pertinent plot points that would benefit from a higher or lower level of description depending on how much of a surprise it’s meant to be when it factors into the plot later on.
Another example is the somewhat slapstick incident where TuQ falls and slides down the bridge. It would’ve been easy to have it be a little comedy moment, but you made it relevant to the narrative by having Tahiri take advantage of it.
Food for Thought
Consistency
I’ve chosen the above extract because it’s an error that comes up a few times throughout the post. Commas are a bit of a minefield. Keeping track of the rules and their exceptions can be tricky. To go about fixing this, I’d suggest reading things through aloud to catch things that a mental read through may not find. Another alternative would be to have additional proofing. This is by far the most prominent of the syntax issues in the post, but the advice given could help for most, if not all of them.