Acolyte Karran Val'teo vs. Hunter Khryso Mallus

Acolyte Karran Val'teo

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Zabrak, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Hunter Khryso Mallus

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Sith, Defender
Comment

Firstly, thank you both for your participation in the ACC!

You both show a good deal of promise. Most notable, your battle sequences are well written and with some polishing, can be absolutely fantastic. You were working with characters that have the same saber forms and the same level of skill with those forms, and that was reflected well in the flow of battle. The advantage in these cases would go to whoever can outperform the other, in this case, that was obvious when it is noted that Karran a much higher Might and Stamina. I feel that was mostly understated until the final posts, and even then, towards their ends.

A second very big note that I made above that I will reiterate here in my closing comments. The Duelist Hall requires that there be combat between the characters in every post. Khryso, this hit you in way of a major detractor to your Story score. Karran, your Story score was held back from being higher by the lack of environmental detail, as though the characters were fighting in a void rather than the venue. You need only glance at both of your opponent’s posts to find a good example of using the surroundings to add colour and flavour to the combat scene. Do not fear the venue, use it to fill your scene, to give it life.

Syntax was rather minor here, with a little bit of word confusion. Khryso, watch your tense. It was only really notable in your first post, affecting readability but vastly improved in your final post which was great to see. A proofreader can help catch these errors, do check out the DB Fiction Chat if you need that second set of eyes on your work, other members are always more than happy to help!

Great job to the both of you! The winner of this one is Karran Val’teo!

Thank you both once again for your participation and I look forward to future matches from you both!

-- Mune Cinteroph

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Karran Val'teo, Hunter Khryso Mallus
Winner Acolyte Karran Val'teo
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Karran Val'teo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Khryso Mallus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 7 May, 2019 2:22 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Warlord Khryso Mallus Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple minor detractors. Word confusion. Tense shifts. Rationale: Minor detractors. Word confusion.
Story - 40%
Warlord Khryso Mallus Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Major detractor, no character versus character combat in the first post. Great mention of surroundings, great context held up throughout. Rationale: Minor detractor, no mention of the surroundings to build the scene. Only minor touching upon context for battle in ending of final post.
Realism - 25%
Warlord Khryso Mallus Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor detractor, TK+2 used with finer skill than tenable at this level. Rationale: Minor detractor Might +4 and Stamina +4 versus Might +0 and Stamina +0, the character seems far more exerted than is warranted while lower skill character goes strong nearly to the end.
Continuity - 20%
Warlord Khryso Mallus Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor detractor, the extreme exertion suffered by Karras seems disregarded at the beginning of the final post. Rationale: Nothing of note.
Warlord Khryso Mallus's Score: 3.05 Battlemaster Karran Val'teo's Score: 3.8
Posts

Takodana Maz Kanata’s Castle

When the First Order beset on Takodana, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takodana, and is littered with ancient ruins that resemble the structure of the castle itself. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

Takodana Maz Kanata’s Castle

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

The castle had yet to recover from the battle that had taken place here. The skirmish had been brief and fairly contained, but it's damage was evident. If Khryso Mallus didn't know that the First Order had struck here only a few years ago, this particular castle might have been lost among the other ruins that dotted Takodana's surface. Something that did set it apart, however, was the lack of plant overgrowth on the structure. Vines were just beginning to creep up over the disorderly piles of cobblestone while grass had started splitting the paved floors. The Chiss was grateful; he'd had his fair share of trudging through knee-high foliage and wasn't eager to revisit the experience. What he was not grateful for, however, was this assignment.

The Shadow Academy had recently received an influx of new recruits. In order to get these new members some experience, some of the higher ranking members of the Academy had been given a newbie tag-along to take care of. Khryso was still fairly new to the organization himself, but in the months since he'd arrived, the Sith Hunter had risen up the ranks quickly and proved his worth. He had thought being paired up with old, dusty geezers would be the worst of it, but he hadn't anticipated teaming up with someone who was still an Enrollee.

That Enrollee was Acolyte Karran Val'teo, a tattooed Zabrak who nearly matched Khryso in height, but had a much more robust musculature. Despite his worries, Karran hadn't performed unsatisfactorily while the scoured the broken castle for any relics that had been passed over. Unfortunately, however, their day-long search had turned up nothing of value. The place had been picked clean by scavengers or perhaps its previous owner long before they had gotten here. The two Sith were on their way back to the entrance of the castle when things became a bit more complicated.

Camped just inside the door of the castle, in a large vestibule about thirty-five meters square, was a group of four beings. They were dressed in patchwork leather armor and pads and all obviously armed with out-dated but still functional-looking blasters. They had a few bins of equipment between them that they were going through. They were no doubt planning on plundering whatever they could find inside the castle. Karran reached for his lightsaber, but Khryso set his hand on his wrist, speaking in a low voice. "Stop. I'll handle this."

Khryso stepped forward and reached out his arm towards the scavengers as they took notice of them. Two of them reached for their blasters while one, a human, stepped towards Khryso. The Chiss willed the Force into his words as he spoke. "You were just leaving, no need to bother us." A look of contentment passed over the human's face as he repeated the words and turned to signal his crew to pack up. One of the others, however, a Duros, leaped up, pulling out his pistol.

"What are you trying to pull?!" He shouted, raising his weapon towards Khryso. Before the Hunter could answer, Karran leaped past him, a lightsaber ignited in his hands. The Duros, in a panic, couldn't switch targets fast enough and was cut down. As the rest of the scavengers scrambled to meet the threat, they also met the Zabrak's blade and all hit the floor in seconds.

Karran withdrew his lightsaber and replaced it on his belt. "That was easy," he said, mostly to himself, in satisfaction.

Khryso, however, was far from satisfied. "What was that?" the Chiss demanded, marching forward. "I told you to stand down. I had the situation under control."

Karran snorted. "Stop complaining, I saved your hide. Besides, you've been giving orders all day. I've been aching to let loose."

Khryso furrowed his brow. "Don't forget that I outrank you, that was my call to make. Apologize and perhaps I'll leave your misstep off of my report."

"Misstep?" Karran glowered at the upset Chiss. "Not only did I deal with the guy that had the drop on you, I ended it quickly. If you're so pissy about it, that's your problem, not mine."

Khryso grimaced, reaching down and unclipping his lightsaber from his belt. "I suppose I'll just have to teach you some respect, then, Acolyte." With a quick press of the button, the lightsaber's vibrant violet blade appeared, giving off its signature electric hum. Karran smirked slightly and grabbed his own saber, quickly raising it into a two-handed ready stance in front of him.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 14 May, 2019 7:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You start with some pretty decent build up. You go into detail about the setting, what the characters are doing there, even delve a little bit into the characters themselves which make for a pretty solid opener.

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Things To Think About

The major note I want to touch upon is very important for the Duelist Hall. There must be combat between the two participating characters in every post. This post does contain combat, however, it is specific to characters versus npcs. There is no character versus character which is an absolute must. Secondly, tense shifts, which can greatly affect the readability of the post. I found myself stumbling a fair bit over the shifts.

Karran eyed the arrogant Chiss as the two began circling each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. After they had switched places, the Zabrak became tired of this game and charged in, bringing his saber in one-handed for a low strike, seeking to carve through his target from right hip to left shoulder. As he came in close, Khryso easily blocked and parried the long-telegraphed strike, but failed to see the fist coming towards his face until it struck him in the jaw, sending him reeling back towards the looter's camp, narrowly avoiding the scattered gear, crates, and bodies. Karran recovered himself and returned to his prepared defensive stance.

"I apologize if I mussed up that pretty face, but I'm all for fair play. It's your move." the Zabrak taunted and goaded in his slow measured tone.

Khryso put his hand to his mouth, checking to see if any blood had been drawn. The punch to his mouth hadn't knocked any teeth loose, but would certainly swell in the next day or so. "You will pay for that, you insolent fool." the Chiss stepped over the bodies of the dead looters toward Karran brandishing his lightsaber down at his side, every so often it would catch a piece of stone or dirt, just grazing, leaving a sporadic trail of burns behind Khryso. When his footing was clear, he darted in towards the Zabrak, making quick stabs and thrusts towards his sizable center of mass. Noting the speed and number of strikes, Karran opted to give ground and parry when he had to, rather than expend the energy to block them all. "What's wrong? Too afraid to fight back? Or just not skilled enough?"

The Zabrak wiped the sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his robe. "Not that, simply waiting for you to tire yourself out." Karran charged forward again before the last word was out of his mouth. Feeling his disdain for this blue-skinned Sith fill his body, his rage overtook him and his muscles bulged as he lashed out a furious flurry of blows, pressing his opponent's defense as much as he could. Karran had focused on single combat. In his mind, it was the only worthwhile test of two warrior's skills. So he pressed his enemy's defense, hoping to break it. But the Chiss held his defense well, parrying, but never having a chance to riposte under the barrage. "Have you had enough yet?!" Karran roared out each word between strikes, before channeling the Force and attempting to shove his enemy off balance with a wave of energy, but only managing to slide him back a few feet. The Zabrak breathed heavily, beginning to feel the cost of his exertions, but he shook it off, determined to put Khryso in his place.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 14 May, 2019 7:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

A good strong battle sequence with a great understanding of action and reaction. Riposte, parry, blocks, I love to see these words in use when it comes to a duel, it just adds something to a good proper lightsaber duel. They are using the same saber forms as well as both being at the same level in their lightsaber skills, that is reflected well in your writing of the scene.

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Things To Think About

Yes, you are both at the same level when it comes to your saber skill and even using the same form, however, there is a vast difference in Might and Stamina specifically. Karran seems to be tiring awfully quickly and his blows not seeming to have as much affected as they should even if they are getting blocked by his opponent. Keep in mind, Khryso has no Might nor Stamina skills.

Khryso bit back the reply that attempted to rise to his lips. He knew now it had been a mistake to challenge the Zabrak. While their technique and ability seemed on a level playing field, Karran's superior strength gave him an edge. It certainly didn't help that the Acolyte clearly had more experience or practice dueling other lightsaber users. The few times Khryso had crossed blades with his Master had been purely academic in nature and he hadn't fought many Sith or Jedi in his time with the Brotherhood. Backing out now would cause him to lose to much face, however. He needed to find a way out of this with his mind rather than sheer power or ability.

Khryso brought his saber back up into ready position, held vertically in front of him with both hands. Karran struck forward, not wanting to give the Chiss a proper chance to recover. Quick, flowing diagonal slashes brought their blades together in flurries of sparks. As the battle reached a new fever pitch, Karran felt a second wind hit him, bringing a grin to his face. His assault renewed, the Zabrak forced his opponent even further backwards. Their striking and blocking patterns were similar enough that Karran was able to read when Khryso's deflections and parries began to get sloppy. With a quick flick of his wrist, Karran was able to slide the tip of his blade past the Chiss' defenses, quickly maneuvering his lightsaber in a quick circular motion and dislodging Khryso's sword from his hand.

As the still active lightsaber spun and skittered over the rocks, finally coming to a rest about seven meters to Karras' left, Khryso quickly spun backwards, drawing his pistol. As he fired off a few shots at the Zabrak, he quickly pulled his focus inwards, gathering the Force to himself. "Looks like you're the one who learned to respect me," Karran smirked, easily deflecting the blaster bolts that his opponent was hardly even bothering to aim. "I won the duel, so bow out now or you're going to force me to finish it more permanently." This Chiss' only reply was his haggard, heavy breaths and the sound of blasterfire.

Karran gave the Chiss a few seconds to surrender before moving in to finish the job himself. All of his exertions were beginning to catch up to him, but he was still in much better shape than his opponent. Judging by how lazily these blaster bolts were being aimed, Khryso must be on his last leg. Suddenly, the Chiss' left hand shot out towards the dead scavengers. Karran instantly opened his awareness, turning his head ever so slightly to bring the dead into his peripheral vision. Just as he reacted to the movement, however, he realized it was a ploy, as Khryso dropped his blaster a heartbeat later and reached his other hand out in the opposite direction, towards his dropped lightsaber.

The lightsaber came spinning across the ground, straight towards Karran's legs. The Zabrak didn't need to see it to know it was coming, the Force was all he needed. Quickly leaping forwards towards Khryso, Karran planted his left hand on the ground, pushing off with his feet into a one-handed handstand. The Force flooded into him, making it an easy task to support his weight. Just as quick as he'd flipped up onto his hand, Karrak flipped forward. His right foot came down in a quick heel-kick aimed at Khryso's head. The Chiss threw up his arms to block the kick, forced to release the telekinetic hold on his lightsaber. The blade slid to a halt half a meter away from pair. In that same instant, Karran quickly tossed his lightsaber into the air and dropped his right hand onto the ground, using the newly gained leverage to slam the sole of his left boot into Khryso's face, knocking the Chiss flat.

Karran fell into an unsteady somersault and rolled back onto his feet, pausing for a moment to let his breath catch up to him. He reached his hand out and caught his lightsaber as it fell back down, nodding to himself in satisfaction. Khryso slowly pushed himself into a sitting position. Karran casually waved his lightsaber towards the Chiss. "Do you really want to keep going?"

Khryso sighed and slumped back down onto the ground. "Fine. Go prep the ship for take-off. I'll...join you in a few minutes."

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 14 May, 2019 7:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Strong combat sequence with a good flow. At the beginning of your post, you make mention of the strength difference between the two characters, kudos on recognizing that; in a duel like this, it can make a world of difference when two characters are using the same forms at the same skill level. Towards the end of your post, you manage a rather interesting and cinematic scene. Great improvement from your opening post.

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Things To Think About

Understanding the limitations of the characters’ skill levels is paramount, especially in the application and use of Force powers. Telekinesis +2 requires a fair bit of concentration, as well as a gesture. You got this down pretty well to be honest though I question the concentration required to also activate a saber once you’ve gotten it into motion.

As Karran breathed deep, attempting to recover his wind before his enemy could counterattack, he took a new prepared stance, a combination between a prepared lightsaber defense and the opening forms of K'thri. He hoped this would allow greater agility in the coming engagement. The Zabrak watched Khryso and studied his movements and stance, trying to anticipate his next attack.

Khryso took his lightsaber in one hand, and walked boldly towards the impudent Acolyte, before darting forward and engaging Karran again. While before his attacks had been precise, measured, and surgical, his strikes were now a bit wilder, swinging a bit more recklessly, "You will suffer for your insolence, you insignificant acolyte!" Khryso pressed his attack, Karran dodging, weaving, and moving in fluid movements, "I will kill you and leave you here! No one will miss a worm like you!" finally, the Chiss came in for an overhanded strike, looking to cleave the Zabrak in two. Karran concentrated for a split second and summoned a shield to block and rebound the saber. Karran took this opportunity to lash out with a low kick to Khryso's knee, forcing him down to a kneel, at the same time bringing his own lighsaber down intending to decapitate his enemy, only to be blocked then locked, saber to saber.

"Will you yield to me and apologize for your offense to me?" Karran asked in a slowly measured tone, "or must I kill you? I would consider it a shame. You have value to the Brotherhood, I wish I could call you my clanmate."

"I. will. not. yield. " the Chiss responded, the red glow of the lightsabers making his blue skin appear a dark purple, "nor will I apologize for reminding an acolyte of his position. I serve the Shadow Academy, and they will hear of your insolence."

"So be it." Karran pressed down on his saber, using his superior strength and leverage to push Khryso's saber closer to his body. He looked the Chiss in the eyes, snarled, and threw his forehead into Khryso's face, his horns meeting the unblemished blue skin of his enemy's forehead. The sudden shock filled Khryso's vision as he slumped down into the dirt. "As I said, I would hate to do the Brotherhood such a disservice." Karran disarmed the Chiss and dug through the looter's stash, finding some cables to bind his 'superior's' hands, before hauling the stash and the Chiss back to the ship and returning home.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 14 May, 2019 7:10 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great continuity, you carry over the fatigue from the first post well into the next post, ensuring it is not forgotten as you move forward into another well-written battle sequence. Your use of dialogue does wonders for adding to the intensity of the moment, which is great to see. Sometimes dialogue can feel out of place, it feels right in this case.

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Things To Think About

Remember to reflect upon the character Aspects of your opponent. You write Khryso as rather ill-mannered and rather insulting towards, which seems rather contrary to his Manners Maketh Man aspect.