As he was about to make a powerful swing at the woman, Karran noticed fire spewing out of Alaisy’s heeled boots, lifting her tall body upwards in a violent burst. A thick cloud of smoke and ash covered the Zabrak in the propulsion’s wake. The Galerian growled as he peered upwards through the shroud of smog. He hurled his saber after the woman, commanding it with the Force and intending to strike her down mid-air before she could get away.
The Qel-Droman deactivated her saber and clipped it to her belt as she rocketed up with the Zabrak’s weapon in hot pursuit.
Thin mechanical legs tapped on the ash-laden ground from behind the Galerian. His senses warned him of imminent danger moments before Alaisy’s BT-16 droid opened fire on the Zabrak.
The incoming blaster bolts forced Karran to focus on putting up a barrier once again. This pulled his concentration away from his whirling lightsaber, causing it to end its chase and tumble down to the ground out of sight before it promptly disengaged.
Alaisy soared upwards along the sharp, ebony lava rock, attempting to keep her feet together in order to reach above the walls. Unaware that Karran’s saber was no longer behind her, she chafed along the sharp edges that scraped her face-mask, suit and under layering. The jagged rock cut into the flesh of her left shoulder.
She groaned in pain, gritting her teeth while doing her best to keep her vision set on finding the peak of the tall caldera wall. It became much more difficult to see anything through the now heavily scratched visor and flickering infrared filter.
Her high velocity caused her to pass by the top of the wall, pressuring Alaisy to shoot her grappling hook towards its surface. The Force must have favored her as the hook latched onto a jutting piece of rock, causing the cable to extend further as she gained height. Her Jet thrusters faltered and shut down as they ran out of fuel. Despite holding the wire with both hands, the impact caused by the cable reaching its maximum length violently yanked at the muscles in her arms. She managed to hang on as her legs flew up in the air and her vambrace retracted the cable to pull her towards the small plateau.
Below, and stuck yet again, having to protect himself from that antagonizing droid, Karran bellowed at the Qel-Droman. “Come down here you coward! I’m going to smash that droid into a million pieces any moment now!”
The echoing gulch between the black wall bolstered his voice over the deluge of repeating projectiles. As Alaisy reeled herself in, she realised he would indeed wait for her down there when her droid’s weapon overheated once more. She took off her broken headgear pulled one of its straps around her belt to secure it.
The Qel-Droman then took a thermal detonator from her girdle and set the timer of it to 15 seconds before dropping it down to where she heard the shooting coming from.
BT-16’s weapon began to glow as its metal heated up. Despite his injuries, Karran remained firmly in place. He let out a sigh as he surveyed the dark gray landscape for a sign of his similarly colored lightsaber hilt. A metal ringing broke his train of thought as he glared upwards. A thermal detonator came rolling down the cleft of charcoal rock. Concurrently, the hissing sound of a weapon desperately trying to dissipate heat filled his ears.
Karran bet that the stream of bolts was about to cease, so he focused his will on the metal object instead. Just as he expected, the volley came to an end. His barrier dropped as he gave the thermal detonator a mental push with the Force and his outstretched hand. The grenade dinged against the wall back in the direction it had come from, as the Zabrak willed it up further.
The Sith woman watched and counted down the seconds.
Five, four, three, two, oneee.
As the countdown expired, the grenade reached its peak just beneath the plateau Alaisy was situated on. An orange ball of flame exploded out from the thermal detonator, taking out chunks of ancient stone.
With no other suitable areas on either side to jump to, Alaisy slid off downwards with the falling rubble.
She hoped the still-attached cable would save her from the fall, but the strain on the cable caused it to snap and join the rest of the obsidian rubble.
Survival instincts kicking in, Alaisy pulled out Persuasion and aimed the whip for a beam just below her. The corded weapon wrapped around the column, giving her just enough time to loop the base of it around her right wrist, breaking her fall as she held on with all her strength.
Karran turned his head towards the droid and with enhanced speed and strength bashed the droid in with a nearby slab of rock.
The Qel-Droman swung from left to right, intent to dodge the crumbling gravel still pouring down. That was until one of the larger boulders came straight down and struck the beam in the middle, causing it to break apart and sent her tumbling down again.
As the Qel-Droman plummeted down, she enhanced her agility with the Force. Alaisy kept her wrists, elbows and knees bent as she was about to land feet-first.
During the impact she kept her feet and legs tightly together so that both hit the ground at the same time.
The platforms of her boots took the brunt of the shock and caused her legs to tremble as a jolt of discomfort coursed through her muscles. While she had avoided face-planting spectacularly, the feeling of exhaustion and pumping adrenalin took its toll.
As the Zabrak looked behind him he saw the black clad woman wounded, without her face covered and coated in soot.
The Qel-Droman left Conviction clipped onto her belt and looked towards the Galerian. She wiped the pitch-black dirt off her face with her gloved hand and gave Karran a wicked smile.
“You called? She said with a judgmental aristocratic tone to her voice. Alaisy ran the bundled metal wires of Persuasion between her fingers as she side-stepped to avoid more crumbling debris. Alaisy struck her whip at the ground displaying her advantage.
“You’re going to attack me when I’m unarmed now?” Karran said with spite. “Fine. I will show you how a real warrior fights!”
With full confidence he moved away from the remains of Alaisy’s pesky droid and towards the abnormally tall woman. He clenched his fist and rubbed it into his palm as he got closer, then stopped at where he guessed the reach of her whip would end. He stretched out both arms and focused his will on the pieces of razor-edged rock, lifting them up with the Force, intent on sending a swarm of sediment her way.
Alaisy noticed the incoming rocks and pressed on her left wrist vambrace to activate her shield emitter. Her aching shoulder made it difficult for her to bounce the gravel off with her energy screen. The black-clad woman seemed short-winded as she sluggishly attempted to maneuver around the edged rocks flung at her. Some managed to hit her legs and cut through the top layer of her suit. One of them barely missed her right eye as it created a gash on her cheek.
As the shield dropped she painfully extended her left arm, drawing a bead on the Zabrak as she aimed to fire off a volley of blaster bolts from her wrist cannon.
Val’teo moved swiftly from left to right towards the Qel-Droman, trying to avoid the shots. One of the blasts scraped by his stomach area, but that did little to prevent the Galerian from advancing.
As Karran neared, the Sith woman lashed out with Persuasion and coiled it around the same leg she caught earlier on in the fight. The Zabrak shrieked as Alaisy let the electric current run through the whip’s metal coil. He managed to push through the pain for another meter before falling to the ashen floor, his body trembling.
“Hurts, doesn’t it? Even dual-hearted fighters such as yourself feel pain, right?” Alaisy sneered mockingly as she relieved the button for but a moment. She pulled the whip back and swung it again and again, releasing one shock-stream after another over his back, until he was no longer able to move. “I would let darkness claim you, but in order to keep your master off my back, you have to live, so we can keep this between ourselves, yes?”
Alaisy unclipped Conviction, walked over to Karran and pressed the activation switch, creating a crimson glow over the Zabrak.
She pushed the saber into the back of his thigh, letting the contained plasma press gently into the back of his rough skin. The Zabrak felt the burning sensation of her saber sinking into the muscle and tendons of his hamstring through the numbness from the shock. He groaned in agony as he laid on the ashen floor unable to get back up.
“That should keep you grounded. Expect someone to find you here when I’m gone, Galerian.”
What Worked Well
Don’t kink-shame, bro.
You did a wonderful job setting the scene here. One of the comments Wally and I had for the recent championship match is that it’s good to try to address all the senses when you set the scene, and I think your attention to the air and dust paid off.
Speaking from experience, it’s hard to fit exposition, banter, and a good action sequence into 600 words. You made it work by not going off on tangents and set both characters off to a strong start.
Room for Growth
The premise here wasn’t bad, but it’s something we see pretty frequently: dark forces order you to go here, beat up the person, and take their thing. There’s nothing wrong with that, and you used it as a springboard for a lot of action, but as you get more comfortable writing Karran and with the ACC I’d like to see you experiment a little with your premises.
There were several minor typos and punctuation issues. I think this is probably the best resource I’ve seen for dealing with the rules for dialogue. However, the main thing is just to get someone really good with syntax to look over your work before posting. More on that in the match comments.