Augur Locke Sonjie vs. Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Augur Locke Sonjie

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Sentinel
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC and completing your match. I must apologize for the long wait on the grading of this match.

Matches between characters that are friends always presents a challenge, especially in the tight norms of the duelist hall. Having a race to the objective is a creative way to address this challenge and both worked and didn’t work for you. There were some scenes of creative action using the race premise, throwing dead bodies around comes to mind, but both endings left me unsatisfied as a reader. Locke generally had tighter posts with more action to drive the story, even within the framework of a race. Sang’s posts were outstanding and detailed depictions of both the characters and environment but ultimately suffered from slow pacing. The character introspection got a little heavy in places and kept the focus away from the central conflict where it needs to be in an ACC setting. Overall the writing was excellent on both sides, I would just implore you for future matches to be mindful of the writing venue and where you are placing the audience’s focus in your passages. The conflict should always drive the story in the ACC, at least in the duelist hall with physical action or combat between the characters.

Syntax-wise this is one of the cleanest matches I’ve ever graded. I really had to nitpick to find anything so great work and send your proofers a thank you card. Realism was also a high point because even with some really creative Force power use the character sheets were meticulously followed.

There must be a winner and the story advantage seals the deal for Locke.

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Locke Sonjie, Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Winner Augur Locke Sonjie
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Locke Sonjie's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Malachor: Sith Temple Ruins
Last Post 20 June, 2019 3:23 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Epis Locke Sonjie Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A few stray comma errors but nothing that detracted from the overall reading experience. Rationale: You had a few capitalization errors and some issues with punctuating dialogue in sentences.
Story - 40%
Epis Locke Sonjie Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: You took the race premise and ran with it, pun intended. Your posts were generally tightly paced and had some creative action in them. You also used the environment well. What hurt you was not deepening the character conflict/rivalry in any way and an unsatisfying ending. Rationale: Your posts had outstanding prose, vivid descriptions and deep characterization. If this were a run-on you would get high marks but because this is the duelist hall I have to highlight the lack of action in your posts. What hurt you the most was pacing, especially in your final post. You had the action come to a halt where it should have been reaching a crescendo.
Realism - 25%
Epis Locke Sonjie Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Epis Locke Sonjie Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Epis Locke Sonjie's Score: 4.32 Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Score: 4.05
Posts

Malachor Sith Temple Ruins

From space, Malachor seems no more than a lifeless ball of ash. In the center of an open crater, however, lies the ancient Sith Temple. This colossal pyramid of black stone is the relic of a disastrous battle between the forces of darkness and light thousands of years ago.

Though the surface of Malachor has a breathable atmosphere, the air is dead still, and there is no sign of life. The caldera housing the Temple is a tableau of the terrible struggle that took place here so many millennia ago. Scattered through the causeways and crumbling boulders are the petrified figures of the foregone combatants, their hands raised eternally against whatever cataclysm took the life from their bodies. Some still grasp their Jedi weapons, though most likely the life is gone from them too. The pallid white light of the sun spreads unhindered through the crater, but it does little to illumine the intrinsic darkness of the stones.

The Sith Temple is not a place of the light side. It is said the very stones react to the touch of the dark side. The pyramid itself is seemingly inaccessible, though its blocked entrance is associated with an old saying: “Two must lift these stones, no more, no less.” Despite its undeniable age, the crater is littered with signs of a more recent calamity; ash and debris, columns toppled outwards from the Temple, broken arches. It is as though the millennial dust stirred, briefly, then returned to its repose under the sun.

The dead weighed heavily upon the Shadow.

He was still a mere stripling in years compared to some of the great masters of the Force, yet the man had fought in several major conflicts that had seen tens of thousands slaughtered for little more than the hubris of others.

Each battle had been the chance for an errant blaster bolt or the sharp stabbing pain of a lightsaber through the gut to end his life. Yet somehow, the man had survived it all. He had lost many friends along the way to the senseless violence.

He didn’t have many of those anymore. Friends, that was. He used to be part of a group of Dark Jedi that had taken pride in their brotherhood and friendship, yet they had since fallen apart over the years, as bitterness and apathy split them in twain. He wasn’t much of an Entar anymore, though he kept the name. That band of reprobates had probably long since forgotten about their errant brother within Naga Sadow.

The man smiled scathingly as he recalled his past ties, though the smile softened as his companion clasped him on the shoulder.

“Reminiscing about the good old days, my friend?” Locke asked. The Krath towered over Sanguinius, his murky green eyes studying his fellow Sadowan somberly.

The Sentinel chuckled softly, as he turned to look at his sole remaining companion, “They were never good, Locke.” Sanguinius shrugged and affected a lively air to dispel the miasma of despondency.

Locke knew his friend well enough to know that the response was little more than a facade. They had come to Malachor seeking answers. Their clan had always been fascinated with the history of the Sith and their secrets. Malachor was a tomb world, empty of life, yet full of secrets.

The clan of Naga Sadow was currently traversing the stars, making a pilgrimage across the galaxy, seeking out worlds where the Force was strong, or where the Sith and the Jedi had fought one another. They had lost their homeworld to The Collective, but the Sadows hoped to return there one day. However, there was this opportunity to research, to learn, to plunder the sites where their predecessors had once existed.

Though Malachor was little more than ash, the chance to find a relic or research ancient lightsabers was too much of an opportunity for the two veteran Force Users to pass up. They had made their way across the surface towards the ancient temple located within the caldera of an extinct volcano, the centre of Dark Side energy on the planet.

The murky locale of the temple was of no comfort to the pair, though they had both stood before stronger loci of the Dark Side as former Consuls standing before the respective Grand Masters of the Brotherhood. The temple, while forbidding, was not of major concern to them.

The two Shadows stood at the lip of the caldera, gazing down at the temple, the Force acting as a beacon, beckoning them towards the coal black stone edifice.

“You know, I do believe we have yet to decide on who keeps what we find down there.” Sanguinius jested lightly, his camaraderie with the Arcanist finding a way through his concerns.

Locke looked over at the Entar, “I thought we did, I get to keep it as I’m the tallest.”

“That’s hardly fair,” the Defender complained, “You’re a bloody giant.” he gestured up at Locke. “How about the first one to get to the door of the temple wins?”

The Ragnosian grinned, “Hardly a challenge now, is it?”

“Isn’t it?” Sanguinius smiled, his mind already at work, as he focused on the nearby fossilised remains of a poor unfortunate that had met their end upon Malachor.

“No,” Locke replied, “Though I’ll take you up on that challenge,” the Shadow was never one to pass up the chance to get one over on his friend.

Movement behind him distracted the Arcanist, his attention refocused to see what it was, before he twisted back around to face Sanguinius, catching the open handed fist that had lashed out to hit him in the back of the neck.

“You’ll have to do better than that, old friend.” Locke laughed, as he pushed the fist away and improved his footing, ready to redirect any other blows that were sent his way.

Sanguinius shrugged and winked at the Ragnosian, “Guess I will,” he threw something underhand at Locke, “Catch.”

Locke was relaxed enough to catch the object out of reflex, before realising what had been thrown him. The small silver canister clicked and a cloud of thick grey smoke began to billow out of the grenade.

The Entar took the chance afforded to him to duck away from his companion and started to sprint away, down the caldera towards the temple. The path was treacherous, but the Sentinel trusted in the Force to warn him of any pitfalls or traps.

Locke swore as he threw the smoke grenade aside and set off after his friend. “That’s cheating!” he bellowed at the back of the Dakhanian.

Sanguinius didn’t bother to respond, saving his breath, as he knew Locke was faster and fitter than he. His compatriot was more of a focused warrior than he, and had practiced harder than the Entar in the gymnasiums upon the Shadow ships since they had escaped the Orion System.

The Defender leapt over a group of piled corpses, the wizened bodies long since dried out, though the outstretched hands of one of them was pretty repulsive, almost seeming to reach out to grasp Sanguinius as he passed over them.

Locke wasn’t far behind, and he was fast catching up.

Sanguinius stumbled slightly as he landed, but quickly recovered. He glanced behind him and saw Locke effortlessly jump the corpses. He grimaced, but was full of ebullient joy at the opportunity to challenge his best friend.

The pair slid around a corner, their hands scrambling to push themselves up and launch themselves forward once more.

The two jostled one another as Locke began his move to overtake the Defender. Sanguinius jabbed Locke in the side with his elbow, but Sonjie knew his friend well enough to anticipate the move. He deflected the blow and barged into the Entar, knocking him away.

The race was on.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 6 July, 2019 10:16 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This post had fantastic prose and presented a smooth reading experience. You integrated the character personalities and their histories well into the story without being too obtrusive.


Can Be Improved

While this post technically had conflict and physical combat between the characters, the action was barely present. Even with a race premise you could have extended the action a little more.

They had lost their homeworld to The Collective, but the Sadows hoped to return there one day.

You had a lot of unnecessary capitalization like “The Collective” instead of “the Collective.”

Locke charged ahead, exalting in his triumph. Ancient volcanic rock littered his path, as did ancient remains of the Jedi who had perished here. Locke weaved around the rocks. If he could keep this up, he would surely get there first.

"Hey," Sang called from behind him. "You dropped this!"

Turning, Locke saw something small and round fly straight toward him. He twisted enough for it to miss; catching sight of an ancient helmet as it flew past and landed in the dirt. "You want to play catch?" he shouted back at Sang, calling on the Force himself. Locke picked up one of the corpses between them and telekinetically threw the mass of bones and clothing in Sang's direction, slowly backpedaling at the same time. He didn't need to run as long as he could keep Sang occupied.

The distinct snap-hiss of a lightsaber igniting was followed by a bar of white light that bisected the corpse and sent pieces of it spiraling to either side of Sang. "You shouldn't disturb the dead!" he bellowed, lowering his blade to point at the ground and gesturing around them with his free hand. The Entar's hand swept across the landscape. "They should rest easy."

"Then where'd you get the helmet?" Locke asked.

He noticed the ruse too late, noting the trajectory of Sang's hand. Locke spun to the side and brought his lightsaber to life, quickly igniting both blades to slice a body apart as it shot toward him - first at the neck, then at the waist. He grunted as the head hit his chest anyway. When Locke looked up, Sang was abreast of him, but maintaining his distance. Worse, he was laughing.

"Nice moves," Sang said, still grinning. He side-stepped, slowly moving closer to the temple.

Half-amused, half frustrated, Locke hurled his lightsaber between Sang and the temple, making the weapon pinwheel through the air. He used the Force to guide it away from Sang and in a long arc back to his hand, moving himself closer to the temple at the same time.

"A little close," Sang said, barely hiding his mirth. "Much closer, and I would have had to do something about it."

"I'd like to see you try," Locke growled. He wasn't angry, really, but the Force surged within his body and whenever that happened, it involved the dark side.

Sang didn't seem phased by it at all, instead running toward the temple, still keeping well to Locke's side. The Arcanist assumed he didn't want to have any surprises. He wished he'd thought of that himself.

Locke wasn't about to give up. Using his free hand, he telekinetically chucked another rock at his friend. Sang raised one hand toward it, slowing slightly to position a Force barrier between himself and the rock. It disintegrated harmlessly against the invisible wall.

"Dammit," Locke muttered, running after the other Sadow.

Unfortunately, Sang reached the entrance first. Fortunately, Locke noted, his friend wasn't able to get inside. Sauntering up to the entrance, Locke examined the massive stones blocking it. "Looks like it's locked," he said.

"Where do you see a lock, Locke?" Sang said. Was that a smirk? No way.

"These stones are as good a lock as any other," Locke muttered. "But you're right, so how do we get in?" He watched carefully for any tricks, not intending to give Sang the upper hand.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 6 July, 2019 10:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This post was tightly-pace with a strong amount of action with excellent use of the venue.

"Where do you see a lock, Locke?" Sang said.

I feel like you moved the action of the entire post around just to set up this line. It got a chuckle though.


Can Be Improved

This is minor but I would have liked to see the conflict of the match developed a little more here. Is there a rivalry between these two? Are they both too stubborn to give up? You had an opportunity to flesh that dimension of the story out some.

“But you're right, so how do we get in?” Locke asked.

Sanguinius grinned and winked at his friend. “Let’s just say that my time spent at the Shadow Academy teaching all those headstrong Sith Lord wannabes wasn’t ill spent.”

Locke frowned slightly and crossed his arms as he questioned whether Sanguinius was bluffing or if he actually had a way to get in. “I think you’ve spent too much time around Macron and his crazy side has rubbed off on you.”

“Hey now!” the Entar protested, “Macron isn’t crazy, he’s energetic and full of vigour.”

The Ragnosian merely raised an eyebrow in response.

Sanguinius took it as a cue to continue. “Two must lift these stones, no more, no less.”

“Huh?” Locke stared at him.

“It’s an old quote I remembered from my time teaching about the history of the Sith Lords.” the Defender replied.

“And you think it relates to this place?”

“I could be wrong.” Sanguinius shrugged and gesticulated towards the pyramid. “What’s the worst that can happen?” He smiled and winked at his friend.

Locke sighed and shook his head, “Now you’ve done it.” he moved away slightly from the Anaxsi. “You’ve gone and jinxed us.”

“If I have, then you get first dibs on what we find.”

“Now you’re just begging for us to get killed.” Locke joked. “The only thing we’ll find is dust, dust and more dust.”

“How will dust kill us?” Sang replied mockingly.

Locke groaned in response and shook his head. “Come on, then. Let’s try and open these doors.”

The two Sadowans turned to face the temple, their minds reaching out with grasping tendrils of the Force, seeking a way into the forbidding Sith Temple. The Dark Side saturated the jet black stones, making them seem ice cold to the Entar, but boiling hot to Locke, who was not afraid of the Dark Side, as Sanguinius was.

The pair continued to concentrate and probed the entrance and surrounding archway for a way to enter. Locke gasped as he found something of interest, a kernel of darkness that beckoned him in further. The Ragnosian seized it and poured all of his will and strength into it, determined to find a way into the temple and seize its secrets for the Clan.

Sanguinius grimaced as his mind wandered over the temple’s entranceway. The Professor had spent years teaching about the Sith Lords and their past achievements, but Malachor had not been a high point for them. Empires crumbled and fell, yet their mark was left upon the galaxy. The Entar usually avoided drawing upon the Dark Side, as he felt the power was hollow and corruptive, having seen too many of the Sith of the Brotherhood fall due to their ideas of grandeur. The temple however, cared little for what Sanguinius thought; a beacon of the Dark Side, rejecting the Light.

The Augur drew tentatively on the Dark Side at first, a small stream that turned into a torrent as it blazed within him. The hollow power burned away at the Entar, who sought to unleash it outwards towards the temple. There, a second kernel of the Dark Side just within the entranceway. Sanguinius focused his new found power on it and it reacted, just as its counterpart did under Locke’s focus.

The stone doors began to grind open, the noise of rock upon rock was deafening, the sound echoing across the empty caldera.

Sanguinius attempted to dam the torrent of the Dark Side within him, cutting off the source and expelling the remains of it out into their surroundings. He panted heavily, sweat dripping from him as he fell to one knee.

Locke was there, hand on his shoulder as his concern for his friend manifested. “Are you okay, brother?” the Sadow enquired.

“I’m... I’m okay.” Sanguinius replied between panting breaths. “It’ll pass, but it doesn’t get any easier.”

“Why do you torture yourself like this?” Locke asked, “Why do you turn away from the font of power?”

“Because I’m afraid, Locke.” the Entar replied. “Afraid of what I might become. Who I might hurt.”

He looked up at his friend, who offered a hand up to Sanguinius. “I can’t risk it. I won’t allow myself to hurt anymore of those I love.”

Locke grinned in response, “Thanks for the confession, old friend, but I think our friendship can survive a few bumps on the head, so to say.” Sanguinius shook his head in resignation as Locke helped him up and the pair looked towards the darkness beckoning them within the temple.

“Shall we find what we came to seek?” Locke gestured towards the archway. He unclasped his lightsaber from his belt and ignited it, “We really should have bought some flares or other lighting equipment.”

“The benefit of hindsight.” the Defender replied, exhausted from the Dark Side raging within him only moments before. He too unclasped one of his lightsabers and ignited it, a blue light warred with an acid yellow, bathing the stone in a strange kind of greenish light.

The pair looked at each other one more time and nodded to fortify themselves. Whatever they found down here, they would be ready to face it together.

The two Sadowans stalked forth, refusing to be tied down to a snail’s pace in case there were traps. The Augurs had enough experience to see a trap coming, having visited several other Sith-related locales over the years. Their main concern was guard creatures and spooky Sith ghosts that liked to mess with enterprising archaeologists.

Sanguinius and Locke considered themselves amateur archaeologists, rather than the grave robbers they truly were. Whatever artifacts they found always wound up in their possession, rather than in the museum where they belonged.

After 2 very uneventful hours travelling through the pyramid, the pair called a stop and rested briefly.

“This is getting pretty boring now, Locke.” Sanguinius looked around at the empty corridor.

“Yes, yes.” Locke replied, exasperatingly.

“I still have dibs on the first thing we find.” the Entar joked. “As I didn’t jinx us.”

“Didn’t jinx us? I’d say not finding anything yet is a jinx.” the Ragnosian rolled his eyes and took up a martial stance with his lightsaber.

“What are you doing that for?” Sanguinius asked.

“Because the next words out of your mouth are going to be yet another challenge for first dibs and I’m waiting for them.” Locke winked.

“Oh.” Sanguinius replied, “First one to get a potential hit wins?”

Locke charged forwards, his acid yellow blade arching through the darkness towards the Entar. “Done!” he shouted.

Sanguinius quickly gestured, and a barrier sprung up to deflect the swing. The Augur scrambled away and prepared himself to face his best friend. “You really do want first dibs.” he grinned.

The Arcanist simply laughed in response and began to probe Sanguinius’ defences. The pair both knew that the Dakhani was better at defending than attacking, being a master of Soresu. But it was simply a matter of whether he grew bored enough to let Locke through and get a potential hit or he moved into the attack.

Locke knew Sanguinius well enough that that moment would come soon, and he had no intention of losing. As his lightsaber lashed out, being deflected and parried by his fellow Sadow, Locke drew upon the Dark Side, and knelt to punch the ground with his free hand. A wave of telekinetic force erupted outwards and drove Sanguinius stumbling back to land flat on his behind.

“Oh, damn it.” Sanguinius complained, “You’ve gone and ruined my dinner.” The Entar was sat in a mess of his ration pack, having exploded underneath him from the weight that had collided with it.

Locke began to laugh as he saw his friend trying in vain to wipe the wasted food off his trousers.

“I guess I’ve got first dibs then?” he questioned.

Sanguinius simply looked up at him and groaned, “Fine, but what about my dinner?”

Locke paused for a moment and then volunteered a response. “Dibs?”

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 6 July, 2019 10:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“You’ve gone and ruined my dinner.” The Entar was sat in a mess of his ration pack, having exploded underneath him from the weight that had collided with it.

There was a great deal of creativity on display in this post that helped give the story a distinct flair.


Can Be Improved

“This is getting pretty boring now, Locke.” Sanguinius looked around at the empty corridor.

The pacing of this post was noticeably slow for what should have been the climax to the action and conflict, as the characters themselves noticed.

The temple however, cared little for what Sanguinius thought

There should be a comma in front of however to close out the parenthetical.

"It's probably not going to be easy," Sang said, showing no apparent signs of deception. "But I would guess it requires the Force to open."

"That makes sense,' Locke agreed. "But what method? Surely someone before us tried to open it."

Locke suppressed a flinch as Sang flourished his lightsaber and attempted to impale it on the temple door. It didn't budge.

"They did say it takes two." Locke said, plunging his own lightsaber at it. It burned a small mark against the wall, but otherwise did nothing. "We're not very good at this", he finished.

"I'm impatient," Locke added. He raised an open hand, his voice changing to a more grave octave. "And I don't like waiting." Lightning lanced from his fingertips against the door, nothing happening.

"Hey," Sang said. "Aim that over here. Seriously." He gestured toward his chest, then raised his hands, palm out. Locke sensed the Force swelling in Sang, but wasn't sure what the other Sadow had in mind.

Locke was incredulous, but he did as requested, redirecting the stream toward Sang. It slammed into an invisible barrier in Sang's palms, then ricotched toward the temple door. Locke could only hold that for a second and everything was silent when he stopped.

"Darn…" he began, but then there was the sound of shifting stones. Ever so slowly, the temple's giant doors slid sideways, revealing a dark tunnel from within.

"Hmm," Sang said, stepping inside and waving his lightsaber around for light, "you would think those ancient Sith would've had ever-lasting glowbulbs.

Chuckling, Locke proceeded inside after the other man. As they descended a little ways down, the door slid shut behind them, leaving them inside the corridor with only their lightsabers for light. "You'd better not die on me," Locke muttered to Sang, half thinking of his lightsaber.

The corridor ahead descended downward at a shallow angle, seeming to go deeper into the planet. The walls were featureless, smooth stone, as if cut by a precise machine ages ago. It went on for quite awhile, until finally they started to see light up ahead. The corridor opened into a circular room bathed in pale blue hues. The room had a walkway around the edges that met on the other side, proceeding a short distance until it hit a pile of impassable rubble. The center of the room was a pit that Locke could not see the bottom of. Floating above the pit was a small object between two larger objects; the larger objects seemed to be repulsors holding the smaller in place; the smaller a ring. As Locke approached, he saw that it was gold colored and shimmered in the pale light.

"Well, there it is," he said, gesturing to the ring. "The 'treasure."

"Ok, grab it," Sang said.

"Really?" Locke asked. "You're not going to fight over it."

"Just grab it."

"Alright." Suspecting a trap, Locke reached his hand out toward the ring, gesturing with his fingers as if to bring it back. He wrapped an invisible Force-borne grip around the ring and pulled, tugging it to his hand.

"See? Nothing."

"Good," Sang said, followed by lifting his hand and yanking on the ring with the Force. Locke was so surprised that he barely caught it halfway between them.

"Hey…"

"Just had to be sure it wasn't cursed," Sang said.

"Why you…" Locke growled. "Let go!"

"You first." Sang said with a smirk.

Locke sensed something in the Force, then felt it slip away as if he was losing control for no real reason. He lost his grip and Sang quickly tugged the ring into his hands.

"Darn Sang! If you were anyone else, I'd just take it from you. But regardless, you still need my help to get out, and I won't help until you give it to me."

"Surely you aren't that stubborn."

"Wanna bet?"

Five hours later, Sang had given up and Locke got the ring.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 6 July, 2019 10:20 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Locke was incredulous, but he did as requested, redirecting the stream toward Sang. It slammed into an invisible barrier in Sang's palms, then ricotched toward the temple door.

I loved this creative use of both character’s abilities to solve a problem.


Can Be Improved

Five hours later, Sang had given up and Locke got the ring.

Technically this is a resolution to the conflict but it’s not a particularly satisfying or action-packed one.