If you had ever been hit in the chest with a large hammer, you’d know how the Nautolan felt at this moment. Add to that the strain electricity running through your body causes, and you’d understand that Raiju was now ready to call it a night. Beneath his armour he an intense burning sensation, while the rest of his muscles screamed in protest at any moment. However, he knew he had to finish the night with a win and this simply would not count as that.
A sucking sound pierced the wail of the crowd as the Nautolan rolled onto his chest and propped himself up on his hands. A wet, hacking cough produced blood onto the floor but the creature was distracted by the commands being shouted behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, Raiju caught a glimpse of the security team encircling the downed Falleen and commanding him to place his hands behind his back. Yet, despite the six of them all producing stun-batons the Falleen chose a path of defiance and stuck at the group with a fail of his electro-whip. Swiping it around himself, the Falleen kept the group at a distance through the intimidation of the weapon snapping at any would-be heroes.
A long drawn out curse erupted from the Nautolan as he lift himself up onto his feet again as his muscles once again protested the pain of the movement. Several deep breaths from the creature brought his focus onto the areas of pain and with his concentration the throbbing sensations dulled with a touch of serenity. Yet, once the creature’s attention was brought back to the room surrounding him; Raiju felt a firm hand on his shoulder shake him back into the moment.
“Sir, I need you to have a seat while we get the situation under control.” The words came from a young human male that wore a security uniform with a shoulder patch signalling he was the officer of the group.
“I’m really in no condition to argue with you, friend.” Raiju started, but paused for a moment when he thought he’d vomit as all the blood rushed away from his head. When he was ready to continue, he waved the pair of lightsaber hilts in his hands. “But I feel like I’m the best equipped for this job.”
A hush fell over the room as orange and blue hues washed over the face of the Nautolan.
“Now we will see how foolish the Jedi is!” Wraith screamed towards the Nautolan as his attention was caught by the activated lightsabers. Those few members of the casino who hadn’t cleared out of the sabaac pit immediately launched themselves towards the stairs while the security team themselves took a few cautionary steps back from the fry. Then, with all eyes on the Jedi, the Falleen snapped his electro-whip above his head before launching forward.
Raiju wouldn’t say he was unfamiliar with whips, but he would admit he’d only seem them in the bedrooms of a few treasured consorts. When the Fallen leapt forward and brought his string weapon around to grab both of the Nautolan’s sabers and tied them together, Raiju had a moment of panic. Not many things could grip a lightsaber, so clearly this weapon had an electromagnetic pulse to it. Tug as he may, Raiju knew he wasn’t going to pull himself free of this knot so when he saw his opponent reaching for a second whip; Raiju knew he had to make this short.
Pulling his orange blade over his left shoulder, reeling the Falleen towards him, Raiju snapped the activation button on his black hilt causing its blue blade to vanish from the knot. Immediately though, the Nautolan snapped the button again and blue blade crackled back into existence free from the whip’s grasp and on a path to strike through the Falleen’s hilt.
A scream of fury sounded from the Falleen’s lips as the first whip fell helplessly from its grip on the orange blade but before he could lash out in anger with a second, this one golden, whip; Raiju leapt forward with his arm extended held his flame projecter square to Wraith’s face. A look of dread passed over the Falleen’s face for a split second as he imagined his own face engulfed in fire but a familiar defiance fell over the being.
“You wouldn’t, Jedi.”
“Don’t count on it.” Raiju chuckled until a look of fear snapped into the Falleen’s eyes, but when the Nautolan squeezed the trigger; the projecter weezed but failed to produce a pilot flame to ignite.
For several moments, the bar seemed to move in slow motion as both combatants reacted to their luck. Wraith slowly began to cackle at the Nautolan’s misfortune while Raiju cursed the fried electronics in his armor. Yet, before either of them could react one of the security’s stun-batons smacked into the back of the Falleen and downed him to the ground in front of the Nautolan.
Seizing upon the opportunity, Raiju launched himself towards the fallen being and struck him hard with a fist bound tight over his deactivated lightsaber hilt. It tooks several pairs of hands to pull the Nautolan off of the Falleen but when they were finally separated; the Falleen laid in stun-cuffs while the Nautolan stood, panting, in front of the team leader.
“I didn’t think Jedi were supposed to give into anger…?” The young security officer stated as he clamped a firm hand on Raiju’s shoulder and turned the creature around to face him.
“Former.” The Nautolan spat through his numb lips before pausing to wipe some leaking drool on his sleeve.
“Pardon?”
“I’m a former Jedi.” Raiju clarified, now digging for something in his pocket. “I stopped practicing years ago, just can’t break all the old habits it seems.”
“So how’d you end up here?” Curiosity seemed to have gotten the best of the man, as he asked before wincing at the long story he expected to be unleashed.
“Came back to settle some old debts.” Raiju chuckled as he slapped a credit escrow card into the hand of the man and nodded towards the unconscious Falleen. “Tell your boss I’m in a new business and my services are not cheap. The escrow should cover everything I owed him and subduing that gangly freak should cover my tab for the night. If he requires any future assistance, tell him I can give him a discount with Clan Vizsla.”
Positive Takeaways
You definitely take some time to establish the setting which is appreciated. By the reader really gets dragged in to the den of sin and greed that is Club Vertica, and both characters are given a very good reason to be there. They simply want to gamble, and get in a barfight, what could be more simple and classic?
Can be Improved
To begin with, the syntax really needs some work. There are numerous misspellings and punctuation errors littered throughout this post. Most prominently are the misspelling of "Faleen" as "fallen" (probably autocorrect) and the overuse of semi-colons and commas.
Secondly the reason for them fighting seems pretty rushed to me. It's a gambling dispute, sure, caused by the Faleens sense of superiority, but isn't there anything more? Both characters have Sense, they should be able to feel that the other is a Force user. Do they know each other? Was Raiju cheating with his spare deck to begin with? There's so much more info I want on this situation, just having the fight break out over a lost hand of sabacc seems rushed