Courier Ahsik Warren vs. Knight Fenrir

Courier Ahsik Warren

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Mercenary, Field Medic
vs.

Knight Fenrir

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

Both participants have the potential to become solid contenders in the ACC. Each post had a good feel for story and the pacing of combat writing, while the main obstacles were issues with syntax and realism, also known as “grammar rules” and “ACC rules”. The ideas are there, and I have confidence that with more experience, the writers will refine their skills at expressing them.

One thing I point out in the post-by-post comments for both writers, but would like to emphasise, is the value of spending a little more time and word count on your posts. I know people don’t always have the time or energy to write as much as they’d like, but a little extra can go a long way.

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Courier Ahsik Warren, Knight Fenrir
Winner Courier Ahsik Warren
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Courier Ahsik Warren's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 25 October, 2019 3:35 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Fenrir Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: A few consistent errors that distracted from the flow of the story. Rationale: Consistent errors that not only distracted from the story, but made the posts difficult to follow, particularly in the first post.
Story - 40%
Fenrir Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 2 Score: 2 (Advantage)
Rationale: Pretty standard fare for an ACC story. I liked how you drew on Fenrir’s animalistic side. The final post was problematic; see my comments below. Rationale: Pretty standard fare for an ACC story, though I appreciated the windows into Ahsik’s character via the banter, and continued it through both posts. The final post was problematic; see my comments below.
Realism - 25%
Fenrir Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A few minor errors that stacked up over the battle; see my comments below. Rationale: A few minor errors that stacked up over the battle; see my comments below.
Continuity - 20%
Fenrir Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: There was a significant break between Ahsik’s first post and Fenrir’s first post that left me disoriented, and should’ve been explained. Rationale: No issues.
Fenrir's Score: 2.6 Knight Ahsik Warren's Score: 3.05
Posts

Combat Training Center

Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitorius.

Combat Training Center

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring mat has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical shockboxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard rubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also available for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Loadout for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

Composed, with a smirk and a hand resting on his Electrosword, Ahsik strides into the sliding doors of the training room. Surprised, not by the sight of his opponent, but rather by the lack there of. “Huh.... I coulda swore I was late..”

Ahsik was dumbfounded, however the Zabrak did take the time to walk the room. Noting the bare space and the three dummies lined by the enterance to the locker rooms, as well as the numerous weapons and two rule boards hovering.

Having grown frustrated with his wait, the young Mercenary sat himself in the locker room to look over his equipment, removing his grenades and placing them into a locker.

Psssh

The doors to the training room had opened. Angry, the Zabrak started out from the room, “I have been waiting for HALF A-“. The shout had been cut off by the sight of the beasts that entered the room. “You. You will wait. And continue to do so until I think it’s time for me to be here.” Fenrir had spoken in such a deep and feral tone that the hairs on Ahsik’s neck stood on end. “T-That’s all well and good but wasting time just to be a brooding edge-lord with a flashy entrance isn’t really a lesson you teach in a combat room. However, I will ask for pointer late-“ “If you truly wish to fight me boy, Approach.” Fenrir uttered, eyebrows furrowed and a look of contempt In his eyes.

Ahsik had made for the towering figure, Sword now drawn in one hand and blaster pistol in the other. “So is your brother going to be joining us, cause this is supposed to be a one on one?”. The Mercenary asked. “As per the terms, he will not” Fenrir answered, a growl creeped ever deeper in his speech as he became aggravated. His mount did follow the unspoken order and took seat by the entryway to the combat core.

Fenrir began his own preparation, having stepped to one end of the sparring mats with lightsaber drawn and ignited. The three pointed blade catching the eye of his star struck opponent.

Now squared off with one another, Ahsik tipped his blaster to his head and saluted his counterpart, “lets begin, and good luck!”. Fenrir had only responded with a grunt and began to stride forward.

Fenrir had swung his lightsaber as soon as he was nearing range of Ahsik and the zabrak matched him, his sword swinging to match their others lightsaber. Feet spread, Ahsik kicked his foot and twisted both his body and sword under the giant beast’s lightsaber, managing only a light scratch on the lower outside of Fenrir’s ribs.

“rrRAAWWGH” Fenrir had shouted, swinging his blade, fruitlessly at the gnat that had given him such a sharp shock. “Fear.... FEAR ME!” Fenrir had his hand outstretched to Ahsik, his feet barely touched down before he was assaulted with a feeling of unbearable anxiety and worry. A fear like the void

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 6:24 PM UTC

What Went Well

I like how you established the story by mentioning that Ahsik wanted to pick up some tips from Fenrir during or after the fight. You also did a good job of bringing out the laid-back, joking side of Ahsik’s personality in a way that highlights the Aspects listed in your snapshot. The way you described Ahsik’s hair standing on end when Fenrir speaks stood out to me as a highlight of how you give the reader a glimpse into Ahsik’s mind. The pace of the action is good, and I like that you wrote Fenrir as having more depth to his combat style than just swinging a lightsaber around.

Room for Growth

The grammar issues in this post made it really difficult to understand at times, which took me out of the flow of the writing. Many of them could have been fixed by getting someone to proofread your post before you submitted it, and we encourage all ACC participants to do that. The other big stumbling block was Realism. One of the Aspects on Fenrir’s CS mentions that he’s not much of a talker (and that his Basic isn’t very good when he does talk), but you’ve got him practically lecturing Ahsik before the fight starts. Finally, an electro-sword doesn’t deflect lightsabers the way an electro-staff does, and having Fenrir just cut straight through Ahsik’s sword (and probably Ahsik himself) would’ve made the fight end a lot differently. Items that can deflect strikes from a lightsaber will always have an aspect telling you this.

Suggestions

Proofread, proofread, proofread. If you can’t get a Clanmate or someone on Telegram to do it (the people in the DB Fiction channel are usually pretty quick to help when someone asks), throw your post into a checker like Grammarly’s grammar checker. In particular, I noticed a lot of mix-ups involving “was” and “had been”. You can find an explanation of the different here: https://www.gonaturalenglish.com/i-was-vs-i-had-been/ On the realism front, double-check the Aspects listed on your opponent’s character sheet. Those hold just as much weight in the ACC as their stats.

Ahsik had already drawn a bead on the monster, a wide smile on his face. He lost almost no time and pressed the trigger. Loud gunshots echoed back from around the large room as he fired twice.

Fortunately this time, the Force saved Fenrir. He was warned of danger several heartbeats away. The issue with Fenrir is that he had spent so much time in the wild, hunting prey and tracking them, that he had that heightened skill of almost "scenting out" danger before it surfaced. This is what happened here as well. The monstrous Shistavanen froze for half a second, recovered and quickly moved away. Unfortunately, he was a bit slow in moving away. They both hit him. Fortunately, they were caught and nullified by his Personal Energy Shield Generator.

For another moment, Ahsik and Fenrir both stood still. The former was under the impression that his trick worked, and that the best was hit. The latter was stoned for a split-second but recovered very quickly, and understandably very enraged.

Summoning the strength of the Dark Side with hatred in his glowing, red eyes, he focused on augmenting his raw capabilities. Before Ahsik could respond by moving away or by firing a few more shots, Fenrir bounded forward on all four limbs like a beast. Allied with the Force, he was too fast for the upstart Zabrak to move this time.

Ahsik felt an enormous force crashing against his body, knocking the breath out of him. The Shsitavanen had used his whole right arm and shoulder to knock his foe off his feet. The Zabrak was sent flying a short distance.

"Holy crap...what the heck just happened?"

Shaking his head violently to get rid of the cobwebs, he noticed his visioned was blurred momentarily. Yet there was no more time to loose. He could still sense the monster nearing for the kill.

Truely, Fenrir was advancing, his lightsaber trailing on the floor menacingly.

Ahsik tried raising his blaster towards his foe, but it was literally ripped off his hands by the wolfman''s raw strength. Fenrir raised his lightsaber above his head as he neared his foe. Killing or not, at least he can maim the upstart. The Zabrak needed to think fast!

Then the inexplicable happened.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 6:24 PM UTC

What Went Well

You clearly put effort into bringing Fenrir’s animalistic nature into your post, like describing his “danger sense” as a result of his time in the wilderness and having him move on all fours when he attacked Ahsik, and it made the battle more interesting to read. You also seem to have a pretty good grasp on descriptive writing and “show, don’t tell” in general, and a good feel for combat pacing; you packed plenty of action into this post.

Room for Growth

Like in Ahsik’s first post, there were some syntax issues that could’ve been avoided by having someone proofread your match. Continuity became an issue, in that you went from Ahsik cowering in front of Fenrir at the end of his post to Ahsik grinning and shooting at Fenrir at the beginning of your post, without explaining what happened in between. That interaction also raised some realism issues. It doesn’t make sense to me that Fenrir would’ve frozen when he did; that’s how animals react when they first spot danger, not when they’ve already been fighting it. Besides that, why didn’t Fenrir deflect the blaster bolts with the lightsaber he was holding? Why was he still too slow to evade them when both his Precognition power and his Lightning Reflexes Feat would help him dodge or deflect the shots? Even if there were good reasons for that, the reader (and thus, the Judges) won’t know that unless you explain them in your post.

Suggestions

Ask someone to proofread your posts, or use Grammarly, like I described in Ahsik’s post. Taking the time to explain things in more detail will help avoid continuity issues. As for realism, the best thing I can suggest is to have a character keep fighting unless something in their CS or an earlier post gives you a good reason to think they’d stop. Also, I’d suggest staying away from things like “the inexplicable happened”. It’s one thing to have a character not know what’s going on, but if the readers (including the other ACC Judges) don’t know what’s going on, it’ll hurt your scoring.

From the left wrist of the helpless zabrak a net of light and lightning shot out, tying the lightsaber to the mad beasts face, followed by a shout. “Your mom! She was a newt!” The enraged and hardly phased Fenrir decided to kick the kid as he flailed his arms in an attempt to untie himself.

“ArrraghAAAGH” The inarticulate sound jumped Ahsik out of his stunned stupor and he sling off his helmet, flinging it at the Sith as he rushed for the locker room. However, his opponent had already freed himself, catching Ahsik’s helmet and flinging it with enough force to dent the door.

“I am starting to wonder why I picked my first fight with a walking, talking, magically endowed and laser wielding wolf beast, coupled with ANOTHER beast.” Ahsik muttered to himself after flinching at the dent against the door. Rushing for his grenades in the first locker, he had barely enough time to grab them before the door had been cut open with a lightsaber and Fenrir’s arm grabbing him and retching him back into the chamber.

Collapsing on the floor, having smacked into one of the training dummies, Ahsik was panting hard. Much harder than Fenrir had been. “Dude, you are redi-“

SNAP CRACK BZZZZZZT “AHHHH FOR THE- AGAGAH”

The mad Sith had unleashed a stream of lightning and the screams of the Mercenary were as music to his furred ears. “Ahhh” Fenrir rasped as his voice has grown feral and worn by his fears excessive use of power. He stood over the fool once more with his lightsaber, “Again.” The single word spoken, as he saw a brief moment of fear in Ahsik as he raised his lightsaber. The man laying on the ground, eyes wet and cradling himself. Just before the senseless fun could begin, he saw the spark in his for once more, as a pin dropped he saw it all in his mind.

A pin dropping, the boy flying to the other side of the room as a sonic grenade, and a concussion grenade had been left in his stead. Both were prohibited from use in those room.

With glowing eyes, he screamed as he Tried to stomp on the fool, but with his thrusters on, who knows what was going to happen.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 6:24 PM UTC

What Went Well

Again, you’ve got a good sense of pacing and what an exciting, fun battle would look like. Your syntax was better in this post, too, which made it much easier to read.

Room for Growth

Syntax-wise, you still had a few “was” vs. “had been” issues in this post. For realism, the description of how Fenrir dealt with Ahsik running into the locker room was… odd. It wasn’t clear whether Fenrir followed Ahsik into the locker room, dragged him back out, and threw him into a training dummy, or if he somehow became Stretch Armstrong and grabbed Ahsik without ever actually leaving the training area. The way Ahsik used the net gun was a little bit problematic in that with Miscellaneous Weapons at +0, it’s unlikely he would’ve been able to hit Fenrir, and you don’t explain why Fenrir wouldn’t have just used his lightsaber to cut through the net before it could entangle him.

The biggest issue with this post, though—big enough that it gets its own paragraph, to emphasise how important it is—is that even though this was a “final post” in an alternate-ending battle, you didn’t actually end the battle. According to the ACC rules, final posts aren’t just the place where you stop writing; they have to include one or both characters not being able to continue fighting. Cliffhangers are cool in other forms of fiction, but in the ACC, they’re a major detractor in the Story category.

Suggestions

Make sure that your “final posts” in alternate-ending battles actually end the battle. For realism, make sure the way a character uses their weapons accurately reflects their skill with the weapon, and spend a little more time and word count describing how things happen, Things that seem obvious to you when you’re writing your posts aren’t always obvious to readers when we read them, and ACC Judges can only judge battles based on what you actually write, not what we think you meant to write.

Summoning all his strength and focus, Ahsik fired the Net Gun at Fenrir''s face. The device made quiet a noise that made the best feel it was a blaster. He was taken aback and stood with his lightsaber raised. After all, if you know you're going to be hit and can't get away, sometimes you get stunned mentally and physically. This was what now faced Fenrir. For the moment he forgot all about moving away or swatting down the device on Ahsik's arm.

The small net flew through the air and swatted down on Fenrir's lupine face. Even a big, hairy beast will notice it has a net on its face blocking its vision and being very irritating generally. The net also landed with quiet an impact. It staggered him for a few moments. But a few moments was what the Zabrak was after.

While Fenrir was busy roaring and trying to get rid of the net, Ahsik hatched his plan. He extricated a sonic grenade and tossed it at the Shistavanen's vicinity.

Fenrir clawed at the net on his face and could finally see, but alas! The Force screamed at him once more. There was again nothing he could do as he watched the grenade being thrown. He started to run, but it was too late. The grenade detonated.

BOOM!

The sonic shock wave that emanated was powerful to stagger and finally knock over the big beast. Fenrir was considerably disoriented to move for a few moments.

Ahsik gloated where he stood. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall!"

He gave a last smirk at the monster, who was too busy dealing with a blurred vision and seeing stars to return the compliment.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 6:24 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your syntax was pretty good, save for a few misplaced words (“quiet” instead of “quite” and “best” instead of “beast”). I liked Fenrir’s reaction to being caught in the net.

Room for Growth

The realism problem that you had in your first post, with Fenrir letting himself get hit instead of dodging or parrying Ahsik’s blaster shots, happened again here with the net gun. I’d also point out that the wrist-mounted net guns (the kind Ahsik was using) don’t fire with enough force to make someone as big as Fenrir stagger backward, because if they did, it would’ve broken Ahsik’s arm.

Unfortunately, you had the same deserves-its-own-paragraph error in your final post that Ahsik did in his: you didn’t really “end” the battle. There’s nothing preventing Ahsik and Fenrir from continuing their fight, even though the ACC rules say that final posts have to actually end a battle.

Suggestions

Make your final posts end the battle. Otherwise, the suggestions I have for this post are pretty much the same as the ones I had for your first post.