Hunter Ahsik Warren vs. Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Hunter Ahsik Warren

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Arcanist
vs.

Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Sith, Sorcerer, Imperial
Comment

General Comments

Both of the writers in this battle took a significant hit to their Story score over a single issue: this challenge was issued in the Duelist Hall, but was written as a co-op battle. The Hall in which a battle takes place fills the same role in the ACC as story prompts do in fiction competitions. The point deduction isn’t meant to suggest that the story was bad, just that it was “for another time”, as Maz Kanata put it.

More generally, this battle raised a lot of points for both participants to work on in their future battles. I know it’s disappointing and even painful to put your best effort into a battle, only to see a wall of text about things you “did wrong”. Remember, though, that the ACC staff include comments with our judgements so that you’ll know why you got the score you did and be able to do things differently in the future. If you want to get better at the ACC, use the Judges' comments on your battles as a guide to what you should work on.

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Hunter Ahsik Warren, Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Winner Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Hunter Ahsik Warren's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Level 1313
Last Post 15 November, 2019 5:08 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Repeated errors throughout the battle, though the impact on the story was minimal. Rationale: Repeated errors throughout the battle, which made it hard to follow the events in some places.
Story - 40%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 2 Score: 2 (Advantage)
Rationale: Both writers had significant structural errors in their story. See both the general comments and the post comments for details. Rationale: Both writers had significant structural errors in their story. See both the general comments and the post comments for details. Ahsik gets the advantage because the higher-stakes combat he presented was more engaging to read.
Realism - 25%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 2 Score: 1
Rationale: One major detractor and one minor detractor in your second post made the events a little hard to believe as written. Rationale: Several major detractors throughout the battle, along with multiple minor detractors that got rolled into the major detractors for grading purposes. Story might be king in the ACC, but the mechanics are in place for a reason, and Rule of Cool only goes so far. Since it’s both rare and severe for a writer to get a 1 in any category, I’ve included detailed breakdowns of the detractors I counted in the comments for each of your posts. The [ACC Rubric](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1oKAO2AVHY8EwD4aD-KL2P1zZ_eK1Pwk3229HBB6Kb_Q/pubhtml) gives a writer a Realism score of 1 for having two major detractors. Unfortunately, I found quite a few more than that.
Continuity - 20%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Score: 2.82 Knight Ahsik Warren's Score: 2.7
Posts

Coruscant Level 1313

So named because it is located one thousand, three hundred, and thirteen levels from the core of Coruscant, Level 1313 is distanced from the politics of the upper levels. Overlooking the chasm burrowing further into Coruscant’s core, one can watch freighters transporting their illicit cargo between levels. One misstep would send the careless careening into the bottomless pit, or aid the local gangs in staging “accidents.”

Weathered duracrete forms the retainer along the chasm wall, built in concentric rings that descend down an untold height. Strengthened with solid durasteel braces, maintenance has not been needed this far into Coruscant for a long time. Nevertheless, droids pre-programmed to fill in the cracks and crevices that might form in the walls float on repulsorlifts without drawing attention from the criminal gangs. The gangs themselves are focused on their next smuggling operation or struggle for control over Coruscant’s scum-filled underbelly.

The musky, stagnant air was putrid to the Chiss nostrils. Coruscant’s lower levels, particularly level 1313, was notorious for the criminal ravenges of the seedy underworld. Anyone in these areas were looking to be hidden and remain unseen from the upper core of the planet. Brimstone, dressed in a darkened robe to cover his imperial armor he wore, had comedown seeking information of the Collective. He had wanted to do this mission on his own, but the clan’s hierarchy prefered he takes one of the newest journeymen with him to teach him the ropes of what it was like to be a Plagueian. This didn’t settle well with the Chiss as he had become somewhat of a loner within the clan.

Brim had alternate objectives. Finding the whereabouts of the fugitive, Tripp. He wanted to give the intel to his Dread Lord, Ronovi. Still upset that the assassin from the enemy had gotten close to carrying out his attempt of one of his friends, one of the few that the Chiss had allowed himself to be aligned with. He sat within the establishment, BG-RT's Tavern and Spirits, and waited for the Zabrak to make his appearance. Tardiness was one thing that Brimstone would not accept, and the recruit was already an hour late. Looking at his chronometer, the Chiss was getting impatient.

Multiple lifeforms inhabited the tavern, most were intoxicated from his perspective. Even with the Force, the scans of each individual within sight were deemed not a threat to him. Yet one individual, an Quarren, seemed to be scanning him. Brimstone made sure to acknowledge his stare with a tilted bow of his head and was returned likewise the same gesture. A service droid rolled up and set down the glass of caf and rolled off. Brim lifted the warm container with his left hand while keeping his right firmly in place on one of his RK-3 blasters under the durasteel tabletop. The subtleness of the maneuver was easily seen by the Quarren as it relinquished his gaze and went back to his drink.

The door to the establishment swung open as a lone figure made his way within. Wearing the standard Journeyman robes, Brimstone recognized the padawan easily. He laid down his glass and quickly motioned to the individual to come over.

“Sorry Master for my tardiness, the shuttle I was on was blocked by traffic coming in” spoke Ahsik.

“That’s not a good enough excuse for being late. You should have left earlier or taken different transport to arrive here” retorted the Chiss, “Lateness like this is what gets you killed, especially a noob like yourself.”

“Look, I apologized. Stop being so stuck up in yourself.”

Brim just glared slightly at him. “Kid needs to learn manners” he thought to himself.

“So what are we here for if I may ask?”

“To gather intel on the Collective’s movements and locations. With the latest excursions, we need to take this to them” replied the Battlemaster, “And don’t call me Master. I am not your teacher and you are not my student.”

Ahsik sat and waited, looking around at all the denizens surrounding him. “Has your contact made contact yet?”

“Yes, and he was waiting for you too. So when he comes over here, I want you to take the lead in the questioning.”

“Why is that, if I may ask?”

“So you learn how to deal with criminals. I can extract information without speaking to them.”

“Which one is it?” ask the hunter. He received his answer when the Quarren slapped his hand on the tabletop, startling the youngling.

“Nice long horns you have on your head, kid. You standout like a rancor in a nursery” it said as he took a seat across from the two of them.

“You're one to talk, squidface” Ahsik replied with dripping sarcasm.

Brim watched as they bantered back and forth. He was studying the Quarren to get a read on him for any deception. “And what is your take, Chiss?”

“I am not the one in charge, ask my counterpart.”

The three of them then started to discuss the information. Collective forces were hiding on Coruscant. Amongst them, was a possible high official that was surrounding itself by its own guards. Both Plagueians listened intently and after about an hour, the meeting was over. Brimstone handed over a data chip as payment to the Quarren, who proceeded to stand up and leave.

“So now what, Brim?”

“Now we go and gather intel and infiltrate the target,”

“And hopefully kill them” eagerly replied the Zabrak.

Brim just looked at him with concern. “With that way of thinking, you are more likely to be the one that gets killed. You need to learn that even with power, you are your own weakness. Those that crave it, find it to be their own undoing, got it!”

Ahsik just gave him a glare as he watched the Chiss stand up and place a couple credits on the table. He then stood up and followed him towards the exit. Thinking to himself, he found that what his leader’s told him about the Chiss were correct and on point. The Chiss was one not one to frolic or waste time. “He’s really got to loosen up” he thought to himself.

As they made their way towards the location they were told, they saw multiple members of the Collective. Even though they were disguised to blend in with the locals, they clearly had a presence of not belonging there. Brim suggested Ahsik to go to them and start some trouble and possibly scrap, which the Zabrak was ready for. He needed to get into a fight and was happy to oblige.

The Zabrak went over to a group of 6 individuals and before he could do anything, one of them recognized the Brotherhood robe he was wearing and yelled out. Ahsik barreled into the closest one and proceeded to pummel him to the ground The other five then pulled the Zabrak off of their comrade and started to beat on him. Brimstone walked up behind and grabbed one in mid punch, grabbing his exposed fist and tossing him to the right, right into a dumpster with a loud thud. Two of the others stopped hitting the Zabrak and went after the newly acquired opponent. Brimstone let a rare smirk krept from his face as the two squared off with him.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 21 November, 2019 6:47 PM UTC

What Went Well

You did a good job setting up the scene and providing a plausible background reason for the battle. The personality conflict between Brimstone and Ahsik early in the post was a nice touch.

Room for Growth

Story-wise, the first issue with your post was that not much happened after Brimstone and Ahsik’s initial chat; they sat around and listened to some Collective dudes talking, and Ahsik went to pick a fight with them. The only fighting that happened in the post got glossed over, which isn’t exactly ideal for a battle in the Antei Combat Center. The second major issue is the hour-long timeskip in the middle of the post. In a typical battle where the two participants are fighting each other, if the action is slow enough for long enough that a timeskip is required, the battle is effectively over. Lastly, I found that your portrayal of Ahsik didn’t quite jive with the Aspects listed on his character sheet.

Your syntax, unfortunately, was pretty rough in places. The biggest habit that jumped out at me is that you tend to either leave punctuation off the end of dialogue when there’s a dialogue tag (like “he said”) at the end of it, or use a period instead of a comma. Having Ahsik and Brimstone's thoughts enclosed in quotation marks made it difficult to tell whether they were thinking something or saying it aloud. There were also a couple of issues with mixing and matching pronouns, and one paragraph where you used “he” for two different characters, which made it a bit hard to follow. Having someone proofread your posts before you submit them would catch a lot of those issues.

Suggestions

Add more combat to your posts, and if possible, get someone to proofread them. If nobody’s available, you can use an online checker like Grammarly to catch most grammar and spelling issues. When describing a character’s thoughts, put it in italics instead of quotation marks to avoid confusing the reader.

Few things could fulfill Ahsik like a street brawl. With Brimstone making a vastly better introduction to this fight, Ahsik was left with the other two goons and a bloodied lip. The first of these brawlers decided to grab the angry Zabrak off of his first victim by grabbing him by the horns. The other planted their foot in Ahsik’s stomach, both angry but grinning nonetheless.

Brim was squared off with two collective agents of his own, hands open and in front of him, readied for the next attack. The first of the pair placed his hand between his partner and the Plagueian before them.

“This one is mine, scum like these need to learn that they are no better than any man without magic tricks.” The brute said. He was a towering human, bald and well muscled. He stepped forward with one hand up and the other limp and hovering his above his navel. Quickly turning, the collective agent delivered a roundhouse kick from his left leg. Brim was calm and with his open hand batted the foot away, driving his step forward and landing a punch on his opponent’s throat. Stunned by the turnabout the goon stumbled into his partner and quickly changed his mind.

cough jus- cough, lets just fight him together, yeah?” The coward said.

Brim spared no time for banter or boasting. He rushed forward and planted his foot on the thigh of the other agent attempting to join the fight. Having lost the strength in that leg, and likely suffered a fracture, he stepped back. This time the goons attacked simultaneously, the first still coughing, he kept his hands up and crossed a punch at brim. The other cocked their entire arm back and attempted to swing with all their might. Sigh The Chiss grew tired of the pair and with a wave of his hand, the second goon’s swinging punch crashed into the temple of his brutish partner. Having knocked unconscious his other, the single remaining goon faced the force user before him with an expression of malice and fear.

That one’s gonna leave a bruise, Ahsik thought. He then locked his hand, grabbing the wrist of the agent restraining his horns. Ahsik tucked his body under his other arm to protect from getting decked in the chin by his other opponent. The grinning collective agent in front of Ahsik was toying with him,, kneeing and punching the restrained Sith. Following a few more blows to his stomach, Ahsik kicked out his right foot and planted it against the side of the attacking goons knee. Crunch This was followed by the Padawan flipping his restraining enemy into the swearing assailant clutching his leg. The pair crashed to the floor and found themselves tangled around each other. With Ahsik’s hand extended over them, underlings became unable to move or pull away from one another, barely able to look up at the murderous pair of eyes glowering down at them.

Ahsik had grown furious with this little spat, a snarl building in his throat. Having drawn his electrostaves in each hand, Ahsik ignited the tips, their lightning crackling and filling the air. The pair before him were then cowering, with tears in their eyes. The Agents had begged for mercy as they looked into the Zabrak’s now reddening eyes. Ahsik would give them no quarter or any words. Having driven the end of each stave to the center of each of the goons chests, locking it there through their convulsions. After a short while Ahsik would look up from the corpses to face the furrowed brow of Brim as he glared at him. A lip bloodied and his remaining opponent groveling before him, it was a sight that pulled Ahsik out of his brief frenzy and put a pit in his stomach.

Brim was way more than just miffed at the foolish apprentice. Bloodthirsty behavior kills intel along with wasting resources Brim thought.

“What do you think you are doing Ahsik?! This is a reconnaissance mission, killing potential informants is not the way we do things. I’m going to make good and sithing well that Ranarr does a better job of teaching you how to act instead of going around and getting yourself killed, likely along with the lives of better men than you!”

“What I’m doing? I’m killing the people that THREATEN our home, those that made an attempt on the life of our Wrath, the life of your frie-“

In an instant, tendrils of light and power shot from Brim’s fingers. Ahsik had attempted to block the attack with his staves and only succeeded in shorting out their power cells. Convulsing and growling at the Sorcerer, Ahsik tried to hold fast against the lightning running through his body. Brim halted the punishment and gave the Padawan a moment to regain himself and his breath. Dropping both twisted staves, Ahsik could only gasp for breath, the shock had knocked the wind out of him, and his esophagus still convulsed.

“Never for a moment forget, I am loyal first and foremost to this house and second to my allies. You have been here only a few months, this is not home to you yet, you do not have any right to throw those words around like you know what they mean.” Brim said calmly, the look of dissent evident on his face.

-oof Brim kicked over his captive, and slapped a shock collar on his neck. “Get more than 3 meters from me and this will blow your head off.”

“Don’t cough don’t ignore me you slontz. I know exactly what it’s like to lose everything, I know what it’s like to have no home at all. This place has become more of a home to me than the father and brothers I once stood beside. DONT TELL ME THIS ISNT MY FIGHT, IM NOT LOSING ANOTHER HOME TO A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. Especially not ones looking to blame their problems on people that have nothing to do with them.”

“Be that as it may, you are out of line and for the rest of this mission you will do nothing. Trust me you’ve done enough, now cool your head as I find out where our target is.”

With heat in his cheeks and a fire burning under his skin Ahsik stepped up to the captive collective agent. Placing a hand between himself and Brim he said, “Let me do this, I won’t hurt him further but I can get information out of him better than you. Better yet I can make him lead us straight to Tripp.” At mention of the name, the subordinate attempted to run, hoping to kill himself before giving up such important information. Ahsik thrust his hand at the running goon and his body instantly became rigid, and he crashed into the floor. Unluckily the agent had knocked himself unconscious in his tumble.

“I hope you know what you’re doing this time.” Brim said.

“I just need to make a bug out of him and I can track him as he flees to his master” Ahsik responded. He then took off his family ring, the black sun emblazoned on its face glinted at Brim, and placed it inside the lining of the brawler’s boot cuff. Then Ahsik began to wave his hand about the man’s face in slow circles, awakening him partially.

“You were never here today, however Tripp is in a lot of trouble and there are too many spies to trust anyone. You need to go see him, you need to go see him now. You were alone and you’ve always been alone.” Ahsik said in an even tone. The man promptly passed out and the two Sith left the alley and hid themselves behind one of the service droid platforms, under the duracrete and durasteel beams.

Several hours would pass with the pair hidden from sight.

The Chiss eyed his partner and could only watch as he sat with eyes closed and feet crossed. The beads of sweat on Ahsik’s face were growing but with the holomap on his data pad laid before him, his hand above it and tracing the path that the goon was taking to the lair of their Target. Soon Ahsik rested his hand on the map, it was a casino, not more than a brief walk from their location, the name unknown to Ahsik but he was sure that his bug had found who they were searching for. More likely than not it was a front, used during the time that the severian principals was still on terms with the collective, now just a source of income and a place to stay while they worked the streets.

“Now it’s time for us to take in this little rat, and punish him for what he’s done.” Brim said, the expression on Ahsik’s face matching his determination.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 21 November, 2019 6:47 PM UTC

What Went Well

You did well in keeping the story moving. The depth of your characterisation made for an interesting read, and you included plenty of combat to keep the post from feeling sluggish.

Room for Growth

Syntax-wise, a few issues cropped up. First, please don’t just stick a character’s actions into italics with no other explanation, especially inside their dialogue. Second, you had a couple of issues with verb tense, like using “would give” instead of “gave” and “would look” instead of “looked”. Third, there were a few paragraphs where missing dialogue tags combined with a lack of proper nouns (i.e. just using “he” instead of referring to characters in other ways) made it difficult to follow who was saying what.

Story-wise, the major concern I have about this post is the three-hour gap in the middle of it. Like I mentioned in the comments for Brimstone’s first post, if a battle is slow enough that you need a timeskip, it’s effectively over.

The biggest problem with this post, by far, was realism:

  • You start off by having Ahsik use the Force to paralyse two goons. That requires the Stasis Feat, which Ahsik doesn’t have. Even if he did, Stasis affects a single target and takes all of the user’s concentration, so it would be impossible for Ahsik to use it on two different targets at once.
  • Next, Ahsik takes a blast of Force Lightning from Brimstone without so much as having a scorch mark left on his armour. In the ACC, Force Lightning normally burns the target.
  • Third, Ahsik uses Slow again to stop a fleeing goon. Given that Ahsik has Stun, I can accept that the goon would trip over his own feet, and might trip and hit his head on the table as a result. However, with Slow at +2, it would’ve taken Ahsik several moments to activate the power instead of being able to do it instantly when the target started running.
  • Fourth was an issue related to your use of Mind Trick. You describe Ahsik using Mind Trick on the goon to implant a suggestion for him to carry out when he wakes up from his nap. For the Mind Trick to work in the way you describe it, you would’ve had to have the Manchurian Candidate Feat.
  • Finally, the amount that Ahsik used the Force in this first post is beyond belief. You start with three separate uses of Slow, and follow that up with five uses of Mind Trick (each “command” is a separate use; count how many times Obi-wan waves his hand in Attack of the Clones or A New Hope) in the time it takes Ahsik to say five sentences. Both powers are advanced powers, which cause significant fatigue in the user (especially at lower ranks like +2 and +3) but Ahsik doesn’t seem to suffer any ill effects from that.

Using powers in a way that would require Feats you don’t have is a major Realism detractor under the ACC Rubric. Ignoring the damage from Force Lightning and the fatigue from so much Force power use is godmoding, which is also a major Realism detractor.

Suggestions

Describe actions fully, and keep them outside quotation marks. Make sure that all of your verbs are in the past tense. Add at least one dialogue tag or action to indicate who’s speaking in each new paragraph. As for realism, pay extra attention to the Force Powers page in the CS Guide, especially the descriptions of each Feat in the Related Feats section of each power. If a Feat’s description says that the Feat allows you to use the power in a certain way, it means that if you don’t have that Feat, you can’t use the power that way.

Brim knew that having to jolt the fellow Plagueian out of his blood lust was pushing it, but he had to do it to get the intel out of a living enemy. Watching as the Zabrak tracked the prey to an underground casino, he knew that a simple bug wasn’t going to remain hidden with the security that the unknown leader might have. As soon as the target stopped moving, it was time for them to make their leave. Taking off his cloak, he handed it to the Zabrak. “Here, put this on and cover your robes. We don’t need another blunder.”

“And what about your armor? I am sure they will recognize it too.”

“I will be coming from another entrance, You are to go through the front as a sabacc player” the Chiss replied as he handed him some data creds, ”and with them not seeing you as a Brotherhood member, you can get in easier.”

The two headed off and made their way to the possible rendezvous with the Collective. Brimstone headed towards the rear, by the trash and service area while Ahsik went for the front door of the 1313 Club Casino. The darkness of the back alley helped the Chiss to be able to blend in with the personnel. If asked, he was a private security for the Collective doing a full sweep. He knew that most of the citizens don’t even know what a Dark Jedi is, much less ever had seen one.

Ahsik made his way inside and found a sabacc table that was close to where he could see the one person he had bugged. Not knowing what Brimstone had in mind, he just had a hunch that it was his job to distract or lead the target to the back of the casino. After wasting a few credits on some losses in the game, he saw his moment he needed to accomplish. Standing up, he walked over to the private rooms and a guard stopped him.

“I have some intel that your boss might want to know,” replied the Zabrak in a low tone.

“What intel would that be?” replied the guard.

“One of his guards I witnessed with brotherhood members, talking to them about a set-up.”

The guard pulled out a comm link and tapped it. After a whispered code, the door was open to the private suite. Both the guard and Ahsik made their way inside and that was his chance. Pointing at the guy he bugged, he started exclaiming “That’s Him!!! He’s the traitor that was talking to the spies. ”The startled grunt started exasperating and crying out “No I didn’t. He’s lying.”

The Plagueian pulled a data card and pretended to do a sweep. Then he went to his boot and pulled out the bug he had planted earlier. “See, they had a tracer on him to find where he was going.”

“That’s not mine. I have no idea how that got there. I was all by myself. I am telling the truth” the grunt exclaimed in protest. 4 of the other guards grabbed him by his arms and wrenched them backwards awkwardly, causing immediate pain as one of his shoulder sockets was dislocated. “Take care of him” spoke the Quarren who appeared to be the leader. “I thank you for alerting me of this betrayal.”

“No problem sir. But to be honest, I think you are still in danger and should make your way out of here as this casino is compromised” spoke the Journeyman. “Do you have an escape plan?”

“We will head out of the kitchen area and through the backdoor. I always have an escape route.”

Ahsik, the Quarren, and 6 guards, each armed with a T21 Blaster, proceeded to head out through a secret exit and towards the back area. "I sure hope Brim is ready" thought the Hunter as he followed along.

As they made their way through the kitchen, the first 3 guards proceeded outside to scope the area. Brimstone, hiding in the shadows after he took out the luminescent lighting earlier, watched and prepared. He knew he could count on the Hunter to understand what the plan was. After watching the three guards survey the area, they motioned inside and then a Quarren and four other came out, one was the Plagueian he was working with.

With both blasters in hand, he pulled the trigger on the quick hair triggers he had built in and put two shots dead center of two of the three front guards. They both slumped to the ground dead. The Quarren freaked out and yelled “it’s a trap!” and tried to turn around to go back inside, but was hit dead centered in his chest by a diving Zabrak with both of his fists, knocking him completely to the ground. The Four remaining guards pulled up their blasters and took aim and fired. Ahsik was prepared as he his personal shield generator was kicked in before the blasts, but the concussion of the impacts still knocked him to the ground. He tried to roll over and grabbed one of the dead guards as a shield.

Brimstone fired a few more volleys into the other guards, hitting one of the dead as the others took cover, trying to drag their priority out of harm's way. Brim put both of his blaster back in their holsters and stretched out with his hands and the Force, pulling on a garbage bin nearby and hurtling it towards the targets.The impact startled them as they all dove in different directions to try to get a clear shot. Brimstone wasn’t stopping, as he hurled debris and trash and other items towards each area, hammering them without giving them a chance to get set for a retaliation strike.

As soon as he could tell where Ahsik was and in the clear, forks of lighting jettisoned from his fingertips at the three remaining guards, engulfing the area in blue electrical currents that blanketed the are. The three guards didn’t stand a chance as they were electrocuted. Brim didn’t care if they were dead or unconscious, just that they were incapacitated and out of action. He then released his currents and heard a voice from a Quarren “Stop or I will kill your partner!”

Brim turned and saw that he had Ahsik by his throat and with a blaster to his temple.

“I mean it! Stand down or I will kill him” the creature shouted out.

Brimstone saw the eyes of the Hunter and knew that he was ready for him to do something about it. Before the Quarren could say anything again, the CHiss reached within the Force and sent out a hammering wave of telekinesis that hit both the intended target and the Plagueian, sending them them both backwards and separated, including dislodging the blaster from the Quarren’s grip. Brimstone didn’t waste time and leaped onto the target, placing a knee to his chest and pulling out a lightsaber, pressing it to its chin. The Quarren realized through its groggy eyes that he was as good as dead. Ahsik rolled over to one knee, gasping for breath as he clutched his chest.

“Where is Tripp?” spoke the Chiss/ “I will only ask once and I will kill you if you do not answer.”

Ahsik watched and then spoke up. “Or he could hand you over to our resident cannibal Wrathus and he will skin you alive. I hear Quarren is some good eating” he said in a raspy voice.

The Quarren’s eyes lit up with fear. “You wouldn’t?”

“Try me. Go ahead and try me!”

The Quarren then spilled his guts and gave him the info that Tripp was in the unknown regions, not far from Lyra-3. Brimstone then ignited his blade and pierced the skull of the Quarren, killing him swiftly. Standing up and re-clipping the lightsaber to the hidden hook in his armor, he turned to extend a hand to Ahsik and pulled him to his feet. “Don’t worry, a hammer strike is recoverable. Now let’s tell the Dread that we have reliable intel on her target.” They both left to the shuttle bays to head back to the surface.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 21 November, 2019 6:50 PM UTC

What Went Well

The story stayed strong in this post, although it did get a bit cliché at the end with Brimstone soloing the entire pack of bad guys while Ahsik just kinda stood around. There was a lot more combat in this post, and the pacing of it was quick without feeling rushed.

Room for Growth

The main syntax issues you had in your last post (commas at the end of dialogue) carried over into this post. You had a couple of run-on sentences, and some other, minor syntax issues like accidentally leaving the “s” off plurals.

Realism became a bit of an issue in this post, mainly for how it affected the story. The skills that Ahsik would’ve needed to use (Diplomacy, Empathy, Manipulation, and/or Subterfuge) to talk Tripp into believing that one of his henchmen was a traitor, and later to convince him that he needed to flee the building and step into their trap, are all at +0. It would’ve been more believable if the Collective thugs had seen through Ahsik’s attempt and chased him into the alley where Brimstone was waiting. When it came to the battle royale at the end of your post, you wrote Brimstone using Force Lightning multiple times in a row (which he would’ve had to do to hit multiple targets, since he doesn’t have the Fork It or Chain It Feats) without feeling any ill effects even though the CS Guide says that, “Even at higher levels, repeated use of the power over a short time period can leave the Jedi physically drained.” By the time Brimstone jumped the Quarren, I would’ve expected him to be at least breathing heavily. As for hitting both the Quarren and Ahsik with Telekinesis, the CS Guide limits that power to one target per use unless you’ve got the Double Fisting, Telekinetic Wave, or Telekinetic Pound Feats. As in Ahsik’s first post, using a Feat you don’t have is a major detractor.

Suggestions

As in your previous post, getting your posts proofed or using a checker like Grammarly would make a big difference. For realism, check the Skills and Force Powers pages of the CS Guide and keep those descriptions in mind when writing your posts, including the “Common Errors” sections of the power descriptions.

The casino was far from a decadent sight. It’s entryway was in a dark ally with cracked walls. There was a single body guard out front. Another human, just under 6 feet tall, arms crossed and eyeing potential gamblers. Around the entry way where bits of graffiti and unused bits of durasteel laying about.

“Ill take the lead and get us in, Master.” Ahsik said as they were by the corner to the alleyway.

“Don’t call me Master. Go in first and stick to the plan.”

Ahsik had approached the bodyguard with Brim, and Ahsik then kicked the man in the knee as soon as he was in range. The audible snap had been followed by a hammerfist to his temple, leaving him unconscious and laying by the door. Ahsik and Brim would follow inside, Ahsik guiding the two of them with his tether to the ring he planted on the collective agent he had sent here. Every table had been sat by 20 people or more, each one being used and attended with dice, card spreads, and creds. The air was thick and the music was loud, smelling more like a loose bar than a casino front.

After a few moments they had found sight of the unknowing spy and their target. Several other collective agents eyed the pair conversing, all 5 each from a different table. Tripp was grinning ear from ear and armed with a micro grenade launcher, listening to the panicked man in front him. The coward had been begging Tripp to leave with him, but the madman had just ignored every word.

“If I was in any kind of danger I would know it, long before you would ever have to tell me. Now you can either sit and have a drink or you can get out of my frakin face.” Tripp said.

“B-but you NEED to come with me. You’re going to get hurt out here, it’s too soon!” The agent said, his voice urgent.

Brim took up a place between table booths, just able to watch Tripp and make sure his escape was improbable. Ahsik would approach the man himself, hand resting on the maddened agent, and subsequently throwing the agent over the table entirely, crashing into one of the others watching the exchange. Ahsik raised his hand just in front of Tripp’s face and held.

“What are yo-.. AGHH

Tripp could not say another word as the blinding light had burned his eyes, causing him to become momentarily blind. Ahsik then shot him with his Netgun, holding the zygerrian to the table and unable to use his weapon.

The first of the 4 watching Ahsik attempted to use a chair as a weapon, swinging it at the zabrak. Ahsik took the blow head on, barely dazed as he grabbed his opponent by the throat and beat his face in. Every strike drove more and more dark side energy into the Hunter, his eyes reddening and his rage growing. With a single motion Ahsik then tossed the rag doll of a man at the following opponent, who was knocked unconscious by the catch. Tripp had been slowly cutting apart the net pinning his gun to the table, watching as the force users threw his comrades about the casino. Brim stepped into view of the zygerrian and lifted two hands at each of the guarding agents approaching Ahsik, quick and bright bolts of lightning shot from his fingertips and struck each of them. They quickly crumpled to the ground like wet newspaper.

“Give it up you little rat. You’re coming with us.” Ahsik said as he walked to the table once more and laid both hands on it.

“Not. fraking. Happening.” Tripp said as he raised his hand and slammed the knife he used to cut his bonds right into Ahsik’s right hand. Tripp grabbed his grenade launcher and fired two shots at Brim, forcing him to duck behind a table. Both shots rang loud, and almost immediately there was a panic in the room. Every guard that attempted to reach the fight, and every patron had gotten up at once and were attempting to flee for their lives. The first shots would cost a few patrons their last gamble. Brim flipped over one of these emptying tables and take cover behind it. All the whole Tripp has pulled out his vibroknuckler and punched Ahsik in his shoulder, it pierced deeply and caused a flow of blood to seep out. Ahsik managed to catch Tripp’s arm in the second blow and fired off his wrist blaster, putting a shot in Tripp’s stomach. In his pain, Tripp ripped the knife free from his opponent’s hand and drove it into the mech of his other arm, in an attempt to disable it from firing again. Gathering his launcher, Tripp stood on his seat and began to run for the back door.

Brim had taken from his cover now and was beginning to pursue the target, when he raised his hand and lifted the fool straight into the air. Pulling him closer, Brim would not reach the wretch as he dropped a flash bang, breaking both concentration and line of sight with the Sith. Ahsik, no longer bleeding but with a knife stuck in his cybernetic arm, would give a sickening growl and rush the zygerrian, having covered his eyes during the blast, he had entered a state of complete rage. With only a single hand available he began his assault by kicking off the table and punching Tripp in the jaw. The strike missed and was parried instead by Tripp’s grenade launcher, and armed with his knuckler, he returned the favor by gouging the beast in his neck, the strike breaking his clavicle. Bleeding and with a bruise almost immediately spreading, Ahsik changed the grip of his outstretched hand, ripping the grenade launcher from his opponent, and shooting out a front kick to Tripp’s navel. Ahsik quickly rotated his foot about his knee and snapped a kick along Tripp’s jaw. The hit landed against Tripp’s arm, but having had the wind knocked out of him, did not protect well. Tripp ripped a grenade from his belt and tossed it at Ahsik, who barely managed to raise his metal arm to it. The explosion sent the boy flying, and as Tripp attempted to turn around, he was shot twice in the leg by Brim, who had ignited a single lightsaber in his opposite hand whilst watching the previous exchange. Tripp attempted to toss another grenade but was shot again, this time disabling his shoulder. With a saber at his throat his surrendered.

After Brim had properly apprehended the target, he turned to the wreck that was his partner. Ahsik was bleeding from the gouge in his shoulder and hand once more, his mechanical arm was shredded to pieces and he had several more severe bruises and cuts. While most of the blast was taken on his arm, Ahsik still had burns and possible internal bleeding. Brim would rush both the fallen Zabrak and his new prisoner to their ship. The Zabrak would remain in recovery with the standard medical droid as Tripp would attempt to plot his escape. In the time between returning to Aliso, Tripp would often joke and make games with Brim, offering no information until a proper interrogation was initiated. As they returned, Ahsik would wake up and attempt to address the Battlemaster.

“Sup, did you get him?” Ahsik said in his daze.

“Yes we completed the mission. You’ve healed enough so it’s time for you to report to Ranarr and submit your report on his assignment.”

The pair would disembark and continue on about their lives.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 21 November, 2019 6:51 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your descriptions of the scenes around and inside the cantina did a lot to help immersion and move the story forward. You also included a lot of combat in this post, which helped keep things interesting. I did notice that you added the extra time it would’ve taken to activate Blinding since the last battle of yours that I judged, and you were also noticeably better about describing actions and adding dialogue tags than in your first post, so well done.

Room for Growth

As far as syntax goes, the main concern was that packing so much combat into long paragraphs makes them hard to read. Besides that, you had a couple of verb tense issues and a bad habit of not capitalising the C in “Collective” even though it was a proper noun.

I had hoped that your realism issues would get better in this post than they were in your first post. Unfortunately, that proved not to be the case:

  • While I’m glad you took the extra activation time for Blinding, given how much Ahsik used the Force in your previous post, him being able to use it at all without having rested first is hard to believe.

  • Ahsik would’ve been more than “barely dazed” after being hit over the head with a chair. His Zabrak Species Feat prevents him from feeling pain, but when people get hit in the head, it’s the force of the impact that actually knocks them out. He also wouldn’t have been able to activate Rage fast enough to boost his Stamina to shrug off the blow, given that he only has it at +2. (Whether he’d be able to use Rage at all is an issue in itself, for the same reason as with Blinding.)

  • Even if Ahsik was able to use both Blinding and Rage at the beginning of his post, he absolutely wouldn’t be able to use Rage a second time as you described him doing. From the CS Guide: “Rage is an advanced power in that unlike Amplification, it pushes the entire body beyond its limits and has withdrawal-type side effects as consequences to using the power. As such, it cannot be used at any level without several hours of rest in between uses.”

  • Ahsik’s use of Rage (either time) should’ve left him exhausted, but he didn’t seem to suffer any ill effects at all. He even managed to carry out an entire knock-down, drag-out fight with Tripp after the first time he used the power. (The second time, the exhaustion was kind of rendered moot by the injuries he’d picked up in the meantime.)

  • Brimstone hitting two targets with Force Lightning at the same time would’ve required either the Fork It or the Chain It Feat, neither of which he has.

  • Tripp fired two grenades close enough to Brimstone that Brimstone had to dodge them. Grenades have a blast radius, and your average table isn’t sturdy enough to withstand one grenade blast, let alone two of them. Two simultaneous grenade blasts at close range should’ve turned Brimstone into chunky blue salsa, but somehow he emerged unscathed, and didn’t even have to use Barrier to do it.

  • Ahsik’s shoulder wound stopped bleeding for no apparent reason.

  • A short time later, you write Tripp punching Ahsik in the neck with his gauntlet dagger, and “breaking his clavicle”. With Zabrak being near-Human, a deep wound to the neck would likely have severed Ahsik’s carotid artery and jugular vein, which would’ve killed him from bleeding out within a few minutes at most. A broken clavicle (more commonly known as a collarbone) should’ve prevented him from using his arm, because the muscles that would move his arm won’t work properly if the collarbone they’re attached to won’t stay in place.

  • The grenade blast, Part 1. You’re correct that Ahsik would’ve been thrown backward by the blast. I don’t understand why Tripp wasn’t also thrown backward and severely injured by the same grenade, though; two sentences before he threw it, he and Ahsik were standing within fistfighting range of each other, and you don’t mention anything about Tripp running away until after the grenade goes off.

  • The grenade blast, Part 2. By this point in the battle, Ahsik has been smacked around several times by the Collective goons from your first post, blasted with Force Lightning, hit over the head with a chair, stabbed four separate times (one of which should’ve been lethal on its own, and another of which was a pretty major injury), and then he takes a grenade to the face. A cybernetic arm, particularly one that’s already been damaged by a knife, is nowhere near strong enough to deflect a grenade blast. He shouldn't have "burns and possible internal bleeding"; he should be a dismembered corpse.

As in your first post, Ahsik continuing to use Force powers after the amount he exerted himself in the first post is godmoding, as is ignoring or massively downplaying the damage to three different characters from the grenades people threw around in this post. Using Force powers in a way that requires a Feat a character doesn’t have (Brimstone with Fork It/Chain It) is also a major detractor, as are using a power in a way that the CS Guide specifically says it can’t be used (Ahsik’s second use of Rage), and ignoring the side effects of the power (Rage, on both uses).

Suggestions

Check your verb tenses and the capitalisation of your proper nouns. Experiment with breaking up longer paragraphs of combat. (There often isn’t a clear rule for exactly where they should be broken up, so don’t worry if it takes a few tries to get the right balance.) Realism-wise, I would strongly suggest you read the Realism section of the ACC Guide and the ACC Rubric to get a better handle on how Realism is judged, and especially what does and doesn't count as a detractor.