Few things could fulfill Ahsik like a street brawl. With Brimstone making a vastly better introduction to this fight, Ahsik was left with the other two goons and a bloodied lip. The first of these brawlers decided to grab the angry Zabrak off of his first victim by grabbing him by the horns. The other planted their foot in Ahsik’s stomach, both angry but grinning nonetheless.
Brim was squared off with two collective agents of his own, hands open and in front of him, readied for the next attack. The first of the pair placed his hand between his partner and the Plagueian before them.
“This one is mine, scum like these need to learn that they are no better than any man without magic tricks.” The brute said. He was a towering human, bald and well muscled. He stepped forward with one hand up and the other limp and hovering his above his navel. Quickly turning, the collective agent delivered a roundhouse kick from his left leg.
Brim was calm and with his open hand batted the foot away, driving his step forward and landing a punch on his opponent’s throat.
Stunned by the turnabout the goon stumbled into his partner and quickly changed his mind.
“cough jus- cough, lets just fight him together, yeah?” The coward said.
Brim spared no time for banter or boasting. He rushed forward and planted his foot on the thigh of the other agent attempting to join the fight. Having lost the strength in that leg, and likely suffered a fracture, he stepped back. This time the goons attacked simultaneously, the first still coughing, he kept his hands up and crossed a punch at brim. The other cocked their entire arm back and attempted to swing with all their might.
Sigh
The Chiss grew tired of the pair and with a wave of his hand, the second goon’s swinging punch crashed into the temple of his brutish partner. Having knocked unconscious his other, the single remaining goon faced the force user before him with an expression of malice and fear.
That one’s gonna leave a bruise, Ahsik thought. He then locked his hand, grabbing the wrist of the agent restraining his horns. Ahsik tucked his body under his other arm to protect from getting decked in the chin by his other opponent. The grinning collective agent in front of Ahsik was toying with him,, kneeing and punching the restrained Sith. Following a few more blows to his stomach, Ahsik kicked out his right foot and planted it against the side of the attacking goons knee.
Crunch
This was followed by the Padawan flipping his restraining enemy into the swearing assailant clutching his leg. The pair crashed to the floor and found themselves tangled around each other. With Ahsik’s hand extended over them, underlings became unable to move or pull away from one another, barely able to look up at the murderous pair of eyes glowering down at them.
Ahsik had grown furious with this little spat, a snarl building in his throat. Having drawn his electrostaves in each hand, Ahsik ignited the tips, their lightning crackling and filling the air. The pair before him were then cowering, with tears in their eyes. The Agents had begged for mercy as they looked into the Zabrak’s now reddening eyes. Ahsik would give them no quarter or any words. Having driven the end of each stave to the center of each of the goons chests, locking it there through their convulsions.
After a short while Ahsik would look up from the corpses to face the furrowed brow of Brim as he glared at him. A lip bloodied and his remaining opponent groveling before him, it was a sight that pulled Ahsik out of his brief frenzy and put a pit in his stomach.
Brim was way more than just miffed at the foolish apprentice.
Bloodthirsty behavior kills intel along with wasting resources Brim thought.
“What do you think you are doing Ahsik?! This is a reconnaissance mission, killing potential informants is not the way we do things. I’m going to make good and sithing well that Ranarr does a better job of teaching you how to act instead of going around and getting yourself killed, likely along with the lives of better men than you!”
“What I’m doing? I’m killing the people that THREATEN our home, those that made an attempt on the life of our Wrath, the life of your frie-“
In an instant, tendrils of light and power shot from Brim’s fingers. Ahsik had attempted to block the attack with his staves and only succeeded in shorting out their power cells. Convulsing and growling at the Sorcerer, Ahsik tried to hold fast against the lightning running through his body. Brim halted the punishment and gave the Padawan a moment to regain himself and his breath. Dropping both twisted staves, Ahsik could only gasp for breath, the shock had knocked the wind out of him, and his esophagus still convulsed.
“Never for a moment forget, I am loyal first and foremost to this house and second to my allies. You have been here only a few months, this is not home to you yet, you do not have any right to throw those words around like you know what they mean.” Brim said calmly, the look of dissent evident on his face.
-oof
Brim kicked over his captive, and slapped a shock collar on his neck.
“Get more than 3 meters from me and this will blow your head off.”
“Don’t cough don’t ignore me you slontz. I know exactly what it’s like to lose everything, I know what it’s like to have no home at all. This place has become more of a home to me than the father and brothers I once stood beside. DONT TELL ME THIS ISNT MY FIGHT, IM NOT LOSING ANOTHER HOME TO A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. Especially not ones looking to blame their problems on people that have nothing to do with them.”
“Be that as it may, you are out of line and for the rest of this mission you will do nothing. Trust me you’ve done enough, now cool your head as I find out where our target is.”
With heat in his cheeks and a fire burning under his skin Ahsik stepped up to the captive collective agent. Placing a hand between himself and Brim he said, “Let me do this, I won’t hurt him further but I can get information out of him better than you. Better yet I can make him lead us straight to Tripp.”
At mention of the name, the subordinate attempted to run, hoping to kill himself before giving up such important information. Ahsik thrust his hand at the running goon and his body instantly became rigid, and he crashed into the floor. Unluckily the agent had knocked himself unconscious in his tumble.
“I hope you know what you’re doing this time.” Brim said.
“I just need to make a bug out of him and I can track him as he flees to his master” Ahsik responded. He then took off his family ring, the black sun emblazoned on its face glinted at Brim, and placed it inside the lining of the brawler’s boot cuff. Then Ahsik began to wave his hand about the man’s face in slow circles, awakening him partially.
“You were never here today, however Tripp is in a lot of trouble and there are too many spies to trust anyone. You need to go see him, you need to go see him now. You were alone and you’ve always been alone.” Ahsik said in an even tone.
The man promptly passed out and the two Sith left the alley and hid themselves behind one of the service droid platforms, under the duracrete and durasteel beams.
Several hours would pass with the pair hidden from sight.
The Chiss eyed his partner and could only watch as he sat with eyes closed and feet crossed. The beads of sweat on Ahsik’s face were growing but with the holomap on his data pad laid before him, his hand above it and tracing the path that the goon was taking to the lair of their Target. Soon Ahsik rested his hand on the map, it was a casino, not more than a brief walk from their location, the name unknown to Ahsik but he was sure that his bug had found who they were searching for. More likely than not it was a front, used during the time that the severian principals was still on terms with the collective, now just a source of income and a place to stay while they worked the streets.
“Now it’s time for us to take in this little rat, and punish him for what he’s done.” Brim said, the expression on Ahsik’s face matching his determination.
What Went Well
You did a good job setting up the scene and providing a plausible background reason for the battle. The personality conflict between Brimstone and Ahsik early in the post was a nice touch.
Room for Growth
Story-wise, the first issue with your post was that not much happened after Brimstone and Ahsik’s initial chat; they sat around and listened to some Collective dudes talking, and Ahsik went to pick a fight with them. The only fighting that happened in the post got glossed over, which isn’t exactly ideal for a battle in the Antei Combat Center. The second major issue is the hour-long timeskip in the middle of the post. In a typical battle where the two participants are fighting each other, if the action is slow enough for long enough that a timeskip is required, the battle is effectively over. Lastly, I found that your portrayal of Ahsik didn’t quite jive with the Aspects listed on his character sheet.
Your syntax, unfortunately, was pretty rough in places. The biggest habit that jumped out at me is that you tend to either leave punctuation off the end of dialogue when there’s a dialogue tag (like “he said”) at the end of it, or use a period instead of a comma. Having Ahsik and Brimstone's thoughts enclosed in quotation marks made it difficult to tell whether they were thinking something or saying it aloud. There were also a couple of issues with mixing and matching pronouns, and one paragraph where you used “he” for two different characters, which made it a bit hard to follow. Having someone proofread your posts before you submit them would catch a lot of those issues.
Suggestions
Add more combat to your posts, and if possible, get someone to proofread them. If nobody’s available, you can use an online checker like Grammarly to catch most grammar and spelling issues. When describing a character’s thoughts, put it in italics instead of quotation marks to avoid confusing the reader.