Knight Karran Val'teo vs. Adept Kordath Bleu

Knight Karran Val'teo

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Zabrak, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Adept Kordath Bleu

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

General Comments

It’s always a pleasure to read a well-written battle, even if the judging comes down to small margins. In this battle, both combatants made excellent use of their common background story, as well as making the environment an important part of the battle. Ultimately, the judging came down to a narrow margin. Well done to both of you, my apologies for how long it took to get this battle graded, and I look forward to seeing more of your battles in the future!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Karran Val'teo, Adept Kordath Bleu
Winner Knight Karran Val'teo
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Karran Val'teo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Kordath Bleu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kashyyyk: Rainforest Canopies
Last Post 18 January, 2020 11:30 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A handful of minor errors throughout the battle, but nothing that affected the readability. Kord gets advantage for having fewer errors overall. Rationale: A handful of minor errors throughout the battle, but nothing that affected the readability.
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Excellent use of the characters’ shared background in Arcona, the callbacks to past events in the continuity, and the contrast between their personalities. Rationale: Excellent use of the characters’ shared background in Arcona, the callbacks to past events in the continuity, and the contrast between their personalities. Karran gets the advantage here because his ending showed how his character developed over the course of the battle, in line with his CS Aspects.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issue in the second post; see my comments there for details. Rationale: Minor issue with missing Precognition and the flash grenade in your first post.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Battlemaster Karran Val'teo
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.27 Battlemaster Karran Val'teo's Score: 4.4
Posts

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

The wild planet of Kashyyyk is known to be home to the gentle, but short-tempered race of Wookiees. Wild and untamed, the lush, wroshyr tree-filled forests form a multi-layered deathtrap. The local wildlife present a threat as one descends towards the forest floor, though the battle-scarred beaches and the remnants of the Clone Wars provide refuge. However, as one ascends the danger of falling becomes the largest threat until coming in contact with the Wookiee settlements. Fauna and flora flourish in delight, growing within dirt pockets in the crevices of the trees. Some of these plants are carnivorous, becoming larger and deadlier closer to the forest floor. Others have some form of consciousness, able to communicate with the Wookiees to give some understanding of their use.

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

Above the Wookie settlements rests the wild rain forest canopies. Within the crevices of the trees, empty fruit and rotting shells from seeds show the spring season has ended. A soft wind whistles between the thick vines and shrubs that stick to the trunks of the ancient and sleeping giants. Despite the never-ending lack of footholds aside from the branches of wroshyr trees, a series of abandoned and rotting platforms are suspended a hundred meters above the surface, once home to its own Wookiee settlement. Overgrown and decayed, it has since nourished countless plants and trees with their outstretched branches sheltering the dense and soft floor from the extreme sun rays and torrential rain. Upon closer inspection unusual signs become notable. Moss carpets particular areas on the platforms and nowhere else, and tree-dwelling animals and birds never seem to land on the surface.

Tread carefully, or fall whim to the creatures that inhabit this terrain.

Kashyyk 37 ABY

Karran Val’teo’s shuttle came down onto the beach. Ruins of Clone Wars era scaffolding wrapped around the towering trees about a hundred meters from the waterline. The landing struts of the shuttle touched down onto the sand, as the weight of the vessel sunk down. A boarding ramp extended slowly before the cargo doors hissed open. Two figures exited the shuttle. The first was a Zabrak, tall, tattooed, and muscled. His robes left little to the imagination, which Karran was thankful for in the hot, humid climate of the rainforest planet. The second figure to exit was humanoid in shape, but made purely of metal. It was an IG-100 Magnaguard droid named Challadan. Slung across its back was an electrostaff, a trophy Karran had taken in the recent conflict with the Collective.

The Sith had been ordered to take a short leave from his new position as captain of the Voidbreaker to run an errand for his Consul. He had tracked his quarry to Kashyyk and hoped that he had not missed his target. He dug a datapad from his belt and, after a moment, a faint pinging rang out. Karran looked ahead to the treeline before turning to look at his companion.

“Challadan, stay with the ship. I believe our prey may try to use it to make an escape. I will search the forest. I believe I saw a campfire as we flew in, so I will start there.”

“Yes, sensei. The small furry one will not make it past my watchful guard.”

Karran strode into the treeline in the direction he had seen the fire. He periodically checked his datapad to confirm that the fire and his target were in the same direction. The smell of the ancient forest filled Karran’s nostrils. Vegetation decayed on the forest floor. Moss grew thick on the tree trunks. The scent of strange, exotic flowers wafted through the air. The Sith almost allowed himself to relax and enjoy the atmosphere, until he spotted something. A thin column of smoke rising from one of the platforms in the trees. He checked his datapad and confirmed that his quarry was in the same direction that the smoke was coming from. Karran continued his walking pace toward the tree and up the steps that wrapped around the massive trunk.

Upon reaching the top, the Zabrak looked around and drew his lightsaber, but did not activate it yet. He advanced toward what he found to be a recently doused campfire. He brushed away some ash to find a few smoldering coals.

“Kordath! I have been sent to bring you home! Your wife is worried about you!” The Sith’s voice rang out through the forest. He strained his ears to listen to a response, but none came.

Karran closed his eyes and reached out with the Force to find the Ryn. He had heard rumors of how slippery the small man could be, but it did not stop him from hoping that he would come quietly and easily. As he reached out, the tendrils of his senses finally found something sentient. It was nearby, certainly close enough to have heard him call out, and it was nervous. The Sith opened his eyes and walked toward where he had sensed the being.

As the Zabrak came around the tree trunk that supported the entire platform, a sudden blow came to the side of his head. His vision instantly blurred and, were it not for his Zabraki blood, would have dropped him to his knees. Karran’s hand flew up to where a knot was already forming and touched it. It was tender, but not bleeding. Karran’s vision finally cleared and he saw the diminutive Ryn standing before him. Upon further notice, he noticed the faint silhouette of knucklers that nearly blended in with Kordath’s hands.

“Aye, ah’ll bet yer here to bring me home. Is that what ye are, Val’teo? Another one of the witch’s dogs?”

Karran rose back to his feet, rolled his shoulders, and held out his still inactive lightsaber toward Kordath.

“I am no one’s dog. But I was ordered to bring you home. Before I left, your wife asked me to make sure you were unharmed.”

“Ye’d do well to nae mention me wife, lad. Yer not fit to speak her name. Especially not if you’d take me back in chains. Ah’ll nae be goin’ with ya,” the Ryn practically spat at the larger Zabrak.

“Very well, Kordath. For the record, I did not want this to happen, and it was an honor serving under your command.” The Sith extended his free hand toward Kordath, and with a moment of concentration, used his command of the Force to lift the smaller man off of the ground.

“What the bloody hell are ya doing, lad? Ye think I can just be lifted and tossed around like a rag doll? Ye’ll be payin’ fer that!” The Ryn summoned all of his will of the Force and with a surge of power broke out of the Zabrak’s telekinetic grip.

Karran took a step back and gripped his lightsaber in both hands. He watched the older Ryn toss something in his direction. He heard the sound of metal bouncing and rolling on wood. The Sith looked down to see a metallic cylinder come to rest at his feet before his vision went white in a flash of blinding light. A concussive wave knocked him off of his feet and he was sent flying back toward the edge of the platform.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 7 February, 2020 4:45 AM UTC

What Went Well

Your story was strong from the get-go, giving Karran both internal and external motivation for getting the job done. The combat was exciting and had plenty of variety, and your grammar was generally good.

Room for Growth

You had a few oddities in syntax, like “listen to a response” instead of “listen for a response”, and one spot where you had a sentence fragment that could’ve been a clause of the previous sentence (“I am no one’s dog. But I was ordered to bring you home.” vs. “I am no one’s dog, but I was ordered to bring you home.”).

On the Realism front, I had a small issue with how you portrayed Kordath’s flash grenade. The item description does say that it emits a small amount of concussive force, but a “small amount” is more likely to make Karran stumble or stagger backward than send him flying, so you lost a bit of Realism for that. (Alternatively, an explosive powerful enough to send Karran flying would very likely also have injured him, and possibly damaged the platform around him, which didn’t seem to be the case.) It also seemed a little odd to me that Karran’s Precognition didn’t warn him of Kordath’s first punch. It’s entirely possible that the warning wouldn’t have been enough to allow Karran to dodge the attack, but it wasn’t explained clearly either way.

Suggestions

Getting someone to proof your posts is great when possible; the syntax mistakes here are the kind of thing a spellchecker wouldn’t catch. (If someone did proof your post and didn’t catch those, shame on them. :P) Double-check the descriptions of the items in your opponent’s loadouts.

Kordath Bleu was not happy. The Zabrak giving chase had been marked out as having great potential while he was still Shadow Lord, and being pursued by the likes of the well-built man was not what he considered ‘a good day’ to be having. The Ryn glanced over his shoulder and grit his teeth, seeing the Sith already getting to his feet, albeit dazed and shaking his head.

If I’m lucky, he’ll stumble right off tha bleedin’ platform, mused the Arcanist.

“Kordath!” shouted the man. Kord sighed internally, already sensing the larger Zabrak giving chase across the dilapidated platform. He glanced back once more and made a subtle gesture, manipulating the Force energy surrounding the Sith. “I was sent to bring you back, I think you know well enough that I won’t stop till my mission is complete. Your wif—” the man yelled, cutting himself off as the world went hazy.

Karran’s brown eyes blinked slowly, and it felt as if every breath was laborious as he tried to put one foot in front of the other. He could see Bleu receding in the distance, the spry Ryn reaching an old set of steps carved into the side of the mighty wroshyr tree and ascending. Val’teo reached inside of himself, drawing the Force to him and channeling it through his muscles. Whether intensifying his own natural strength through these means or simply Kordath getting too far away, the lethargic pall upon him seemed to pass and he exploded into movement once more.

He ran to the stairs he’d seen his quarry take, slowing as they possessed no railing and looked worn and polished from regular use, long ago. The steps took him around the tree, and above he could see another disused platform, covered in moss and with vines growing across the underside of it. His steps slowed further, as he half-shut his eyes and pushed out with the Force, using his mind’s eye to try and find the fleeing Ryn. Confusion furrowed his tattooed brow, as Kordath felt close. Very close. His horns seemed to tingle as a warning came from the ether, and he barely managed to duck when a knuckler sheathed fist swung out from just behind him. He spun as he crouched, his leg already moving to sweep at Bleu, who with speed and training hopped over the trip. The Ryn landed lightly, a booted foot kicking the Zabrak in the shin as he stood, saber already in movement to skewer the furry man. Karran didn’t yelp so much as growl as the blow took him off balance for a moment, allowing the Arcanist to flee back down the steps, brown cloak billowing behind him.

By the...open your blasted eyes, Val’teo! You walked right past him and that damn cloak, he chastised himself, limping and giving chase once more.

“Bugger off, mate! I am nae goin’ back ta Vasano’s lil’ cult till I’m sure she was nae involved in tryin’ ta off me back in tha Lyra system,” shouted Kordath as he ran. The Ryn skidded to a halt just past his dying campfire, the edge of the old platform before him. Beyond that was the darkness of the forest, more trees and a few more of the Wookiee made structures that ringed them.

Karran’s pace slowed as he approached, crimson saber humming in his hand. His eyes were wary, as was his stance. The former Consul was proving to be, as reputation had led him to believe, slippery and resourceful.

“No more tricks, Kordath. Just come along peacefully,” his eyes traveled to the nearby campfire. A half-empty bottle sat next to the cooling embers. “I even have some good rum aboard my shuttle, make the flight home comfortable.”

“Ya tryin’ ta buy me off with a wee bit o’ drink?” laughed the Ryn. “Shoulda done yer homework,” spoke Kordath, backing up to the edge of the platform, hands behind his back.

“What does that mean? What are you up to now?” asked an exasperated Karran. This wasn’t how fighting worked, to the big man, this was just annoying.

Bleu shot him a grin, and took another half-step back, his heels over the edge of the platform.

“I prefer tha whiskey, lad. Rum ain’t my siren call,” said Kordath, leaning back and falling off the edge of the structure.

Karran cursed to himself, if the Ryn died it meant his mission was a failure, and failing his first task given to him by the Shadow Lady was not a good way to start his career as a captain. He rushed to the edge of the platform and looked down into the forest below, certain he’d see the mangled body of his tailed prey. Instead, he spotted Kordath clutching a rope and swinging to another old platform, the Ryn landing heavily on creaking wood.

Bleu turned to look up at the Zabrak with a grin and mocking salute, before reaching out with one hand and calling his grappling hook back to him.

“Piss off, Muscles, I’m nae goin’ back with ya!” he shouted, gathering up the rope and leisurely walking in the opposite direction.

Karran felt the muscles around one of his eyes twitch and began gauging the distance from him to the other platform.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 7 February, 2020 4:46 AM UTC

What Went Well

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about how Kord was literally monkeying around with Karran during the fight. The post was well-infused with story, and overall, your syntax was good—although I’d hardly expect anything less from you. :P

Room for Growth

“Self contained dialogue has a definitive stopping point, where the next sentence is not tied directly to how the line of dialogue is delivered.” (“No more tricks, Kordath. Just come along peacefully,” his eyes traveled to the nearby campfire.) You also had a comma splice (Karran cursed to himself, if the Ryn died[...]”). All in all, though, two minor syntax points in an entire post is hardly anything to lose sleep over.

Suggestions

Proofread, proofread, proofread.

Karran was seething. Not only had Kordath slipped his grasp, but he had done it in a way that was almost comical. He stepped away from the ledge of the platform, then back. He judged the distance from his current location to the platform the Ryn had swung to. It was certainly too far to jump, even with some help from the Force. The Zabrak paced back and forth. He had to think of a plan before Kordath jumped to another system.

He stopped pacing. Slowly, his pulse and mind slowed. What had Kordath said? Vasano had tried to kill him? Or at least he had suspicions that she was behind it? Now Karran had two objectives, and both involved capturing Kordath alive. Now that his mind had cleared, he looked out from the structure and noticed a branch that had grown about fifteen meters out past the edge. With a deep breath, the Sith made his way toward the end of the limb. He stopped when he felt it beginning to bend more than he was comfortable with.

Karran drew his lightsaber and cleared his view of branches. Sure enough, he could see his destination, and now the beginnings of a plan were beginning to form. If he ever tried to explain why he thought it might work, they would have called him crazy. The Zabrak returned to the platform. He would have to get a running start for this to work. Karran channeled the Force into his legs and ran forward. The limb bent as he neared the end. It creaked and threatened to break until he jumped.


Kordath took a moment to breathe, but he knew that he couldn’t stop for long. He glanced back up at the platform he had just swung from and saw the Sith pacing like a predator. The Ryn ducked quickly scurried out of Karran’s field of view.

Go back peacefully he says tae me.” The Ryn grumbled derisively. “Fat chance of that happenin’.”

The former Shadow Lord began to descend the stairs as he heard the impact of over one hundred kilograms of Zabrak Sith landing on the platform above him, along with the cracking of wooden planks.

“Oh fracking sithspit!” Kordath once again picked up his pace and continued his descent. He had a decent lead, but he couldn’t afford to lose an inch of it.


Karran groaned. He had landed on his feet, but the impact to his knees was nothing to ignore. He would certainly regret this decision when he was older, and likely tomorrow as well. But there was no time for that. He needed to catch up the the slippery Ryn.

He closed his eyes again and reached out, trying to sense the presence of Kordath. A wry smile came across his face as his efforts were rewarded. He tried his best to ignore the ache in his joints and ran to catch up to his target. He took the stairs down, running as fast as his legs would carry him. As the Sith reached the forest floor, he caught sight of a tail with a tuft of fur on the end disappearing behind a tree, heading in the direction of where his shuttle had touched down. Karran sprinted after the older Arconan, who he could see was using all of his tricks to gain every inch he could.

Up ahead, Karran saw that the beach was opening up in front of them. His time was running out. The Zabrak roared as he summoned the Force to give him strength for one last jump and bounded forward. He reached out with his arms, hoping to grab Kordath.

Warning lights flashed in the Ryn’s mind. He turned his head to see a much larger, roaring Sith flying at him. Kordath turned to face the Sith and jumped without breaking stride. He planted a boot on Karran’s tattooed face. The Zabrak found himself sliding face first into the sandy ground.

“Ah told ya once, lad. Ah’ll nae be goin’ wit’ ye.” Kordath turned to run again to see an IG-100 droid charging toward him.

Challadan! Stop!” Karran picked himself up from the dirt as the droid skidded to a stop, “Kordath, I want to talk to you. Something you said got me thinking.”

“That’s dangerous…” the Ryn’s words were quiet, under his breath. He remained tense, ready to jump or swing at the first sign of danger.

“You said that you think Lucine was behind the attempt on your life. Are you sure?” Karran put his lightsaber away and held his hands out and open.

“Aw hell, lad. I dinnae know. I think the redheaded slag wanted my seat. But as long as I’m around, I’ll be worried about me family. I couldnae live with myself if something happened to them because of me.” the Ryn’s face softened a little bit.

“Kordath, I cannot serve someone who came to power under such dishonorable tactics. I know that such principles are rare in our clan, but I trust you know that I am earnest.” the Zabrak bent down to one knee. “I swear, you and your family can consider themselves under my protection. I will do whatever I must to ensure your safety, at the very least, until we determine who ordered the attempt on your life.”

The former Shadow Lord looked at the Sith who had bent the knee in front of him, considering the proposal. He knew Karran was a loyal soldier. On the other hand, he was also an honorable warrior. He scanned the Zabrak’s face, looking for any sign of deception. “An awful lot of big words there, boyo. But I know yer most concerned with what’s best for the clan. I thank you. Ah’ll go with ye, quietly.” Kordath offered his hand to the Zabrak. “Ye.. weren’t lying about the rum, were ya?”

Karran took the extended hand. “No, I was not. Maybe we can pick up some whiskey on the way.”

“I knew ye were a good lad.” Kordath chuckled as the pair walked to the ship with the droid.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 7 February, 2020 4:46 AM UTC

What Went Well

Your story continued very strongly in this post. It wasn’t as combat-heavy as other posts I’ve seen, but I enjoyed how you incorporated Karran’s Aspects; it seemed like he was putting aside the fight for the sake of offering Kord shelter from whatever Lucine had planned for him, and that Karran realised that Lucine might not have been as deserving of his loyalty as he thought.

Room for Growth

A couple of small syntax issues, with things like duplicate words (“catch up the the slippery Ryn”) and missing hyphens. Stretching out the combat a little more would’ve been nice, simply because this is an ACC match and people expect that kind of thing, but I didn’t dock you points for it.

Suggestions

Proofread, proofread, proofread. More fighting.

This is a terrible idea, was one of many thoughts that passed through the Juggernaut’s mind as he took measured steps backward. Karran shut off his saber, putting it away for this exercise in madness. He breathed deeply through his nostrils, jaw clenched as the Force flood his body, suffusing his muscles and strengthening him. His footsteps pounded against the old, wooden platform as he charged forward, sweat glistening on his crowned brow.

I can make this jump, he reaffirmed to himself. Make it and then throttle that slippery little womprat and drag him back to Selen.

When Karran reached the edge of the platform, his body’s momentum and a planned Force-assisted ‘kick’ off the edge, he was surprised to see the Ryn appeared to have stopped running. He was still on the platform below, the same one Val’teo planned on jumping to. He saw a slim, gray hand raise into the air, middle finger and thumb pressed together and a grin on his bearded face. Bleu snapped his fingers just as Karran’s foot hit the edge of the platform, the Force a torrent that was prepared to propel him forward.

Except it suddenly felt less a rush of power and more a sad trickle, as if the tap had been twisted shut. Karran let out a yell as he flew off the platform, his momentum committing him and his options limited. He arced through the air, his physical power still carrying him an impressive distance towards the other platform. And then below it, his eyes widening as he threw his arms in front of his falling body as he entered the realm of tree branches. The growths whipped against his exposed arms, tearing and scratching at him. He felt the Force return to him, abruptly, and he drew it inside of himself once more, mind racing for options. A much larger branch was approaching, and while Karran wasn’t a student of physics per se, he understood what velocity meant when punching things. He suspected slamming into the platform supporting growth would not end well.

Desperation brought both of the Zabrak’s palms forward, the Force pushing out towards the oncoming branch. He steeled his body, the same as if he was about to be struck by an opponent more worthy then the blasted, fleeing Ryn. His efforts to slow himself seemed to work, but the impact on the tree branch was still jarring. And painful, skipping across the wide bit of natural wood and tumbling.

“Ow,” he groaned, pushing up to a sitting position and doing a mental inventory for anything broken. Everything hurt, most of all though was his pride, his brown eyes rising towards the platform above, where he suspected Kordath still was. He slowly got to his feet and looked towards the trunk of the tree, a resolute and grim look on his face as he saw the steps carved into the side. He limped, the Force pulsing from his core towards his extremities, soothing the aches.

Above, Kordath Bleu stretched and caught his breath, yawning as the exertion of the whole debacle caught up with him.

“Tha witch sent him after me, guess she was a part o’ tryin’ ta kill me off,” he muttered to himself, looking around for a way to return to his camp. He scratched at the back of his head and sighed; going further down was a bad idea, that’s where he’d seen the big spiders and other beasties. “Kark me.”

He could still feel Karran out there. That was fine, he hadn’t wanted to kill the kid for following orders, gods knew Bleu had sent people off on questionable missions while Shadow Lord.

“Maybe he learned somethin’ from all this,” he mused aloud, heading towards the center of the platform. Maybe if he could get high enough he could grapple-swing his way across— the hum of a lightsaber filled the air and the Ryn stopped in his tracks. “Ah, come on lad, have ya nae taken enough o’ a beatin’ today? Quit while yer walkin’.”

“Whole or in pieces, you’re coming back with me, Kordath,” came the tired voice of the ascending Sith. The stairs brought him around the tree and onto the platform, eyes focused on the former Consul. “I’m starting to feel okay with pieces, honestly.”

“Ya look like someone switched ya, lad,” said Kord, looking over the many scratches and gashes that covered the man’s arms. He backed up, hand dropping to his hip to grasp the hilt of the dagger there. “I do nae wish ta kill ya, kid. Just go back and tell Vasano I got away, yeah? Tell Zuji that last ya saw, I was whole and hearty, give her some peace of mind.”

The Sith didn’t bother retorting, instead, he lunged forward with the crimson blade. Kordath barely knocked the strike aside, only his natural dexterity and trust in the Force keeping him from being skewered. The follow-up swings were similarly blocked or dodged, the buzzing saber sounding like angry insects protecting their hive. The Ryn was sweating; the bigger Arconan was more the warrior on this front then he, it was obvious, but he hadn’t survived this long by fighting straight up. He ducked another blow that would have removed his shoulders and everything above it and kicked out at the Zabrak’s leg. The boot hit shin, but Karran simply stared at him with derision, his body not even budging.

Oh, kark me, thought Bleu, shifting mental gears. “Fine!”

“You’re surrendering?” asked Val’teo, looking confused and suspicious. “At this point, I’m not sure— AGH!”

Kordath cut the man off with a lifted palm which let out a brilliant flash of light, before turning to run once more. The Sith covered his eyes with one bloodied forearm, the one holding his saber hilt, and threw his other hand forward. They’d played this game already, with the damned flash grenade, he wasn’t stupid. A wave of energy pushed out from his hand, a blind and undirected assault that still managed to draw a yelp from the fleeing Ryn. Kordath hit the platform’s pitted and dry surface as he felt what the telekinetic strike from behind. He scrambled, feet pushing to gain purchase while he tried to both sheaths his dagger and pull his grapple hook free. It wasn’t the most graceful retreat he’d taken part in, but the Force was screaming at him to ‘go now’ or lose bits he was rather fond of.

Behind him was the measured steps of boots on wood, even as the Ryn managed to free his hook and swing it up towards a branch at random. His gaze swept the forest, spotting another platform further down. He didn’t like the idea of getting closer to the surface, but…

“Not again,” growled Karran, watching the Ryn wrap the rope around his hands and leap off into the verdant void. He cocked back his saber arm and threw, the weapon spinning out into the air.

Kordath felt an icy chill down his spine, as his Force driven senses made a strong case for him to dodge. He looked back up in time to see the scarlet spinning saber and realized he had nowhere to go.

“Oh no,” he sighed, closing his eyes as the weapon sliced cleaning through his rope, and momentum carried him forward towards the platform below. He tried to go limp, he tried to fight the urge to brace for impact. The Ryn hit the platform without much grace, but, with a lot of noises and a blood-curdling scream. He lay limp where he landed, darkness closing in as pain overwhelmed his senses.

Above, Karran took a deep breath, his saber slapping back into his extended hand, and shook his head. Now he had to find a way down to recover his quarry.

“Long day,” he muttered to himself.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 7 February, 2020 4:47 AM UTC

What Went Well

Your characterization was great. Kordath’s insistence on not fighting over the course of the battle was a refreshing change, and I could practically hear him going “hmm… nae” when he hit Karran with Suppression. For a guy who doesn’t like to fight, Kord also ends up with a lot of combat in his posts. Last but certainly not least, as someone else who tends to run stupidly high levels of Precognition, I always appreciate seeing it rendered useless. :P

Room for Growth

You had a couple of syntax oddities like missing words (“the Force flood his body”) and using “then” in place of “than”. The one Realism point that jumped out at me was that for someone who just got punted off the side of a wroshyr tree and hit several limbs on the way down, Karran was able to catch up to Kord again awfully quickly—within the time it took Kord to mumble a few sentences to himself—despite his injuries. I did catch that he used Control Self to numb the pain, but the sheer distance he would’ve had to fall to be that injured in the first place would’ve taken a bit of time to cover.

Suggestions

Proofread, proofread, proofread. :P And remember that not everyone can climb trees as fast as a Ryn.