Knight Sera Kaern vs. Knight Karran Val'teo

Knight Sera Kaern

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Zabrak, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Knight Karran Val'teo

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Zabrak, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

First off, I want to apologize for this judgement being late. This is my first officially judged match, and wanted to give you both the best and fairest judgement I could. I also have to say that I'm privelaged to judge your match. It was a great action driven story, with suspence, and emotion. My investment and intrigue in Sera and Karran's struggle's was intense.

Great job to the both of you, taking advantage of the venue and bringing it's background and history into your conflict. You both have a really good understanding of each other's characters. Their feelings towards each other and feelings that arose in the conflict from opening the chest, was really passionate. Well done in keeping the reader engaged and invested in the story. Also thank you to Kordath for adding his wisdom and helping me finish this judgement.

Sera, you took a few hits in Syntax and Continuity. While most were just small and simple errors eveyone makes, I mean no ones perfect in their writing. You were consistent at least. Take a look at the notes. Another thing to note was the length of your posts. While long, they were extremely detailed and full of action. THe back and forth between the character was very fluid and not confusing in any way. If you have any questions, feel free to pm me. More than happy to help.

Karran, you did really well in continuing the pace and intensity of the story. Great work. The way you describe the fighting and then the interact with the witch's specter, was nicely done. You took a few hits in Syntax. The biggest hit was in the Story of your last post, although perfectly void of any other errors, it felt rushed and left me wanting a bit more. Your first post was well done, the descriptions, action scene's were great. Your second post however, while it still had great descriptions, details and action, it ended more suddenly than I anticipated. If you have any questions, please feel free to pm me. More than happy to help.

In the end of this great really, really close match, there can only be one winner.

Congrats to Sera on winning this match.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Sera Kaern, Knight Karran Val'teo
Winner Knight Sera Kaern
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Sera Kaern's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Karran Val'teo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 3 February, 2020 4:58 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Battlemaster Karran Val'teo Sera Kaern
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A few grammar errors. Take a look at the notes. Rationale: Several errors, including; misspellings, grammar errors, and consistently not capitalizing most of the Z's in Zabrak in both posts.
Story - 40%
Battlemaster Karran Val'teo Sera Kaern
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Your story was well detailed, and lots of action. Clear investment in characters. However, your ending felt a bit rushed. It was a really fast paced post that ended quite suddenly. Rationale: Well detailed, a lot of action, especially between Sera and Karran, with the help of a Dathomirian specter.
Realism - 25%
Battlemaster Karran Val'teo Sera Kaern
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No real errors that I found. Rationale: No real errors that I found.
Continuity - 20%
Battlemaster Karran Val'teo Sera Kaern
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No real issues. Rationale: The reason this is at a 4 is because of the dagger. The post before mentioned Sera’s dagger was 3 meters away and in Karran’s path, however in your post there was no clear indication of when or where after that Sera picked up or grabbed it. More in the notes.
Battlemaster Karran Val'teo's Score: 4.45 Sera Kaern's Score: 4.5
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabrak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately led to the eradication of the Dathomirians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsister fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamp lands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

Dathomir

37 ABY

“I have a very not-great feeling about this, Karran,” Sera murmured, swatting a pesky insect that had lighted on her cheek as they trudged quietly through the miserable mugginess of Dathomir’s marsh. Even in her light, flexible combat suit the humidity was nearly unbearable. Their cloaks lay abandoned on the long-departed shuttle, and she had no clue how her friend was able to stand it in his heavy plate. The swamp seemed to stretch on forever, an endless expanse of broken trees, scrubby, thorny brush, and furtively hissing reptiles, all tinted a sinister shade of crimson by the planet’s sun. That same star sat low on the horizon now; night was coming.

Normally, that wouldn’t have bothered Sera. It took a great deal to even begin to bug her; as it was fear, constant in others, was to her totally alien. And yet, something about this place set her off. Everything seemed wrong, twisted, warped. There was a darkness here, beyond the shadows cast by the fall of the bloody sun. She could feel it surrounding her, as constant as the fog - a low, dangerous hum in the Force - as if the planet itself was trying to warn her away… but not as a benevolent gesture. No… she felt more like an intruder, caught in a place where she truly didn’t belong.

“I didn’t think of you as one to be frightened by ghost stories, Sera,” Karran responded in turn, his lips twitching into a barely perceptible smile under his helmet. His young friend’s apprehension was somewhat amusing. He felt the dark energy of the planet, just as she did; but, where she shied away from it, he revelled. Darkness came more naturally to him, it seemed; and besides that, they had a job to do. “If the tracker’s right, the vermin we came here for aren’t far. There’s nothing on thermal, yet, but with luck, we’ll take them just as they are settling for the night. Think of it...like a hunt, yes?”

“A hunt. Right. Whatever you say, Captain,” Sera shot back, her eyes rolling as she quietly unlimbered the saber and dagger from her belt. The ‘vermin’ that they were apparently hunting were the crew of a certain Twi’Lek brigand that had recently declared open war against House Qel’Droma; Karran had tried negotiating with them for weeks, one of his first actions as the captain of the Voidbreaker. In response, Dia, as she was known, had tried to blow them all into smithereens, a move that Sera found entirely uncool.

The weeks of shooting, screaming, and chasing that followed had brought her and Karran here, to the most haunted, desolate swamp in the galaxy. A perfect hidey-hole, for a group of heavily armed people that had no wish to be followed. Yippee.

Flashes of a small clearing through the trees ahead prompted Sera to pause, dropping to one knee in the mud. She didn’t hear any voices, but Karran nodded as she glanced back at him, one hand tapping at the Inquisitorious datapad on his hip. The tracker, and their target, was just up ahead. Weapons at the ready, the two zabraks dropped into a quiet, predatory prowl, only slightly offset by the noisy tread of the larger zabrak’s boots. Sera went with some apprehension, her fiery courage rising up to put steel in her spine and to tighten her grip. Karran, on the other hand, could hardly suppress his anticipation. He was ready to teach a few lessons to the trash that had doubled crossed them…

However, when the duo emerged from the treeline, they found no pirates, scavengers, or double-crossing mercenaries. Only the smoking ruins of a ransacked campsite, alongside about a dozen stiff, twisted corpses. Sera looked to Karran, and he looked back, their eyes meeting. As one, they gave a long, exasperated sigh.

And with that, they started the grim task of poking through the dead, searching for any sign of what might have happened. “Well, this is definitely the scum we’ve been looking for,” Karran announced, turning one body over with the toe of his armored boot. Even though they had been saved a good deal of effort, his thoughts weren’t exactly happy. The man beneath him was well-muscled, armored, and dripping with weaponry, the butt of more than one blaster pistol poking from his belt. From the looks of things, the rest of his friends were similar, none of them pushovers; but here they were, the blood from their torn bodies dried into the muddy soil. Turning from the body, Karran started rifling through the crew’s rudimentary shelter, mostly consisting of badly-patched nylon tents and crude lean-tos. It certainly didn’t seem like they had meant to stay for long. “A rancor, maybe? I’ve heard that they still roam wild, here.”

“No...no, I don’t think so,” Sera answered, her eyes wide as she examined her own set of stiffs. One of them, a burly dathomirian woman, had fallen face-up, her teeth bared in a never-ending snarl. Blackened blaster-wounds, rather than claw-marks, perforated her chest. She had been shot more than a half-dozen times; not the sort of thing that could’ve happened in an accidental crossfire. “I think this bunch just… turned on eachother. So much for the pirate life, huh?” Even as she joked, Sera knelt down, gently closing the dead-woman’s eyes. It was the honorable thing to do, after all.

That was when she saw the key, clenched tightly in the dead dathomirian’s hand. Trusting that her ancestors wouldn’t be too offended by the act, Sera leaned forwards and pulled it from the corpse’s stiff-fingers, cradling it in her hand. The key seemed ancient, its dark, bronze exterior dulled by the ages. Even looking at it, the Force’s faint whispering seemed to grow louder, the warning gaining new urgency. “Karran? I might have found… something. I don’t even know.”

“Well, I may have something, too,” the older zabrak responded, gazing down at his own discovery. Underneath one of the crumpled tents -and another corpse- he had found… a chest, of some sort, like nothing he had ever seen, in the Brotherhood or otherwise. Sera seemed equally puzzled as she strode up to his side, a small frown crossing her face. His brow rose as he noticed the key in her hand, his gaze rising up to meet her face. “Coincidence?”

“...Nope. That wouldn’t be any fun at all.”

Karran grunted slightly in response, kneeling down to place a hand on the chest’s latch. The thing was built from a dark, incredibly tough wood, likely chopped from the same swamp-trees that stood around them. The entire surface was covered in deeply etched, intricate carvings; curves and swirls, hieroglyphs from a language that neither of them could even begin to understand. Examining the symbols, the older zabrak gave another small grunt. “What do you know about the Nightsisters, Sera?”

She wasn’t all that surprised by the question, her lips pursing in response. “Only what we both know, all the ghost stories my Nitha told me when I was being especially naughty. They were witches, dead-raisers, who kidnapped zabraki men, taking them as slaves for breeding and war.”

Karran nodded, giving a small chuckle. “It doesn’t sound like you would mind it all that much.”

Sera just kicked him in response, a small shiver shooting up her spine. As soon as she had seen the box, the whispered-warnings in her mind had risen to a fever pitch; the Force was stirring, storming. She didn’t like it. “Buzz off, katkarnan. Let’s just get out of here. We found the mercs, they’re all bantha fodder, so we’re done, right?”

Karran shook his head, motioning for her to hand him the key, which she did with some reluctance. Her captain or no, he was her friend, her family, first… and she didn’t like this one bit. Still, she did as he asked, dropping the key into his hand.

“Not quite. I’ll bet these idiots killed each other fighting over whatever’s in this damn thing,” he started slipping the key into the lock. Almost instantly, the Force flashed, like tendrils of electricity running over their skin. That even got Karran to pause, his fingers freezing an inch or two away from the key. Then, he started again, slowly turning it. “They betrayed us, tried to kill us. This should be worthy recompe-...”

The chest exploded in a flash of green light, and everything went black.

-

Karran awoke to the sound of a woman sobbing, just in front of him. His vision blurred as he slowly pulled himself upward; whatever had come from the chest had really done a number on him, it seemed. He felt rather like he’d been kicked in the head… or drugged… or both.

But, as stunned as he was, there was no mistaking the sight before him. Sera was crouched, right where the chest had been, encapsulated in a small sphere of shining, emerald light. Crying. He’d never seen her cry before. Slowly, he staggered forward, reaching for her… but the sphere shoved him backwards, an unseen grip holding him fast. “Sera…? What happened? What’s wrong?”

“I...it trapped me. Karran...it hurts, Karran…” the younger zabrak cried, seeming to fold in on herself. The words struck him hard, spurring him to fight fiercely against the invisible force… to no avail. Sera just shook her head. “You have to… have to kill it, Karran. Kill it, and take it here… free me…” With one, shaking hand, she pointed behind him.

He turned, his face darkening into a snarl, and saw it. The creature… the *thing… looked like a demon, a monster from the same old ghost stories that Sera had spoken of earlier. It was a short, thin, and terribly warped abomination, glowing a sickly shade of green. For now, it stood still, hissing and chittering at him. Not for long. He had to help Sera.

His saber hissed as he activated it, the bloody glow matching the ruddy shine of Dathomir’s sun.

-

“Karran? What the kriff’s going on?” Sera questioned, watching the larger zabrak. He had been talking to himself, speaking absently to the chest, calling it by her name. Slowly, she advanced; all she saw there was empty air. Maybe, whatever had hit him…

Karran turned back towards her. His expression was totally unreadable through the helmet of his armor, but what she sensed through the Force was enough. Where she normally found friendship, warmth, she now felt only hostility. Real hatred. Something was very, very wrong, here. “Kar… I don’t know what’s going on here, but you need to listen to me. That chest-...”

The Force, reliable, as always, warned her of what was coming just moments before it happened.

Karran’s lightsaber hissed to life, the blood-red blade flashing before Sera’s eyes. She barely brought her own saber up as he pushed forward, his first powerful, sweeping blow sparking off the golden-glow of her blade. He didn’t let up in the slightest, his torso turning as he launched into a string of hammer-like strikes. He didn’t strike quickly; he sought to overpower, to crush her defenses… of which Sera had little to begin with.

Slowly, steadily, the onslaught pushed her backwards. Finally, warning lights flashed shot through her mind as Karran raised his arms for a titanic, crushing blow. Sera dodged backwards, tucking into a sight role, the crimson saber burning into the mud where she had been standing moments before.

“Stay behind me, Sera. I have this handled,” Karran growled, extending his saber before him. The words clicked something in her mind; the chest. Whatever was inside the damn things… that was what was causing this. She had to destroy it, had to get past Karran… without killing him. She would rather die herself than do that.

Extending her free hand, Sera reached out with the Force… but not for her friend. Rather, she reached for the crumpled tent behind him, underneath which he had found the chest. The patchwork-mess of orange nylon rose like a living wave, shooting through the air to envelop him from behind. Instantly, he was twisting, his saber burning through the makeshift straight-jacket. Sera took hold of her advantage, dropping into a sprint; if she could just get behind him… She saw something, floating over the chest. A woman’s outline; ghostly and indistinct, but unmistakable. She was looking towards Sera… and smiling.

There was nothing but evil in that smile. A witch, examining her playthings.

Something intangible grabbed her from behind, lifting her into the air before slamming her down once more, her saber skittering from her hand. As she rolled over, gasping, she saw Karran advancing, saber in hand, smoldering pieces of nylon trailing him like a demented cape.

The younger zabrak groaned, reaching for her dagger. It appeared that things were only going to go downhill from here… as usual.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 20 February, 2020 7:09 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Awesome job with creating a clear incentive as to why Sera and Karran are there. You have lots of great detail and action. The introduction of the Dathomir ‘specter’ witch as an antagonist was great. I liked that.

Can be Improved

There were a few Syntax errors, such as misspellings, missing words, and grammar. Twi'lek was capitalized, but Zabrak wasn't, species names are always capitalized. I will say that at least you were consistent with this error, and didn’t jump back and forth.

The missing word:

[...]stand it in his heavy plate (armor).

Karran hardly noticed the remnants of the tent that remained on him as he marched toward the abomination on the ground. Its hand was reaching for something, but it had no equipment. A sudden piercing pain stabbed into his mind as he hesitated. Destroy the monster. Save his friend. These thoughts reaffirmed themselves in his mind as he raised his saber above his head. As the crimson blade arced through the air, the little beast scurried away as the lightsaber carved into the dirt. The Sith placed himself between the monster and Sera. As it skittered away, it rounded on itself and faced Karran once again. It chittered and screamed at him in its own bestial language. Once again, Karran extended his hand toward it. The beast was too quick for him to catch it on his own, so he needed to find a way to immobilize it first. The beast lunged at him, as if it knew what he was planning to do. Before he could fully gather his concentration, the beast had knocked his arm away and was on him.


Sera stood up from having knocked Karran to the ground. She had gotten the jump on the larger Zabrak once, but she couldn’t press her luck. He was still much stronger, possessed or not. She took a step to lunge for the chest, but felt an iron grip grab her ankle and pull her feet out from under her. She looked behind her to see Karran’s masked face and his lightsaber pulled back, preparing to swing again. Desperate, she struck out with her free foot. She kicked once, twice, and on the third kick, Karran’s helmet was removed from his head.

She saw his face. The normally soft, brown eyes of her friend were an eerie glowing green and full of hate and disgust. His tattooed face was twisted in a snarl. Strange dark veins spread out from around his eye sockets. He had recoiled from the hits, but quickly recovered and prepared again to strike with his lightsaber. As Karran’s lightsaber came down, she rolled and twisted her body to avoid the incoming blade. As the Sith brought his arm up again Sera lashed out with her knife, which cut across Karran’s cheek and crossed the old one that ran vertically. Again, the male Zabrak recoiled, releasing Sera’s foot from his grasp. She scrambled away from him and onto her feet. She saw her lightsaber in the dirt and with a few seconds of focus, summoned it to her hand and turned to make another dash for the chest.


Karran touched his fingers to his cheek and they came away covered in blood. The beast had scratched him. The Force only knows what venom or poison the thing has. Karran stood slowly. As strong as he was, the armor he was wearing weighed him down. The dark little creature was making a dash for Sera. He roared and jumped at it, channeling the Force into his legs, aiming to cut it down with his lightsaber. As he flew through the air the monster seemed to sense his incoming attack and turned on him, its arm seeming to have turned into a blade of shadow, and parried his strike away. This creature must be sensitive to the Force, to summon such a weapon.

The monster continued to block Karran’s strikes, giving ground. As it got closer to Sera, the stabbing pain returned to Karran’s eyes. He must not allow the creature to get close to his friend.

Karran shoved his open palm toward the creature and conjured a wave of Force energy that lifted it back and sent it flying over and past Sera. He saw it swipe down at her, but it barely missed. He ran forward and knelt next to her.

“Do not worry, Sera. I will destroy this monster and free you,” he whispered these words to the still-whimpering form of his friend and shipmate.

The Zabraki man stood, reactivated his lightsaber and continued his steady march toward his enemy.


Sera lifted her head from where she had come to rest after rolling like a ragdoll across the ground. She looked around to get a sense of her surroundings. Her knife rested about three meters ahead of her, sitting right in Karran’s path. Her lightsaber, however, was less than half a meter to her right. She quickly drew her blaster and fired off a shot with the pistol’s hair trigger. The shot landed directly on his right pectoral. The armor took most of the blast, and the remainder was largely absorbed by the underlay of the suit. The energy of the hit nearly took him off of his feet, but he continued his march.

Sera dropped her blaster and quickly grabbed the lightsaber again. She stood, activating it as she did. The blade cast a golden yellow glow through the swampy air of Dathomir. Karran steadily marched toward the smaller Zabrak. Slowly, he transitioned his grip from his right hand into both hands in front of him. He charged forward and dropped his blade to the side to slash up across her body.


The beast ahead of him once again summoned its blade of concentrated shadow. It deflected his strike again and this time countered. Karran summoned a barrier of Force energy to block the incoming strike. As the blade impacted, it rebounded off and for a moment, he swore it wasn’t black, but glowing golden yellow. Once again, pain pierced the Zabrak’s eyes and forced him to his knees. He looked up and extended his hand. Karran focused for a few moments before an arc of lightning blasted from his fingers into the monster.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 20 February, 2020 4:43 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Karran, you did quite well in continuing the story from Sera’s initial post. You really brought me, as the reader, into the setting and struggle that is happening within Karran, and to Sera, both mentally and physically. Great job on the details and lots of action, that isn’t weighted down by too many words.

Can be Improved

There were just a few minor Syntax errors. Also one sentence that didn’t make sense as a personal thought. The edits I made make it fit with the next sentence and continues Karrans’ thought process. I would also suggest if you put a personal thought in the middle of a paragraph, it would be best to make the thought separate from the rest of the paragraph.

[...] in blood.
The beast had scratched (me) him. The Force only knows what venom or poison the that thing has.
Karran stood slowly.

Show don’t tell. You had one instance of where you told the reader what Karran did instead of showing.

[...]Karran summoned a barrier of Force energy to block the incoming strike. [...]

Instead maybe say something similar to…

Calling quickly upon the Force, the incoming strike was suddenly blocked by a shield of energy.

She felt the lightning before it came, the Force screaming out a warning in the form of a painful wave of static, coursing through her musculature and jolting her into motion. She instinctively snapped her blade upwards just in time.

Hissing tongues of cobalt energy burst forth from Karran’s fingers, the harsh blue glow searing into Sera’s eyes. But they stopped short of her flesh, locking around her saber’s golden blade. Destabilized plasma burned into life, sparks flying, steaming in the swamp’s muggy air. The light bathed the two Zabraks’ faces; stormy blue and sunny yellow, clashing, swirling and melting into a pure, blinding white.

Their gazes met in unison, icy blue locking onto virulent green eyes that had once been brown, soft, full of life and vigor. She thought she saw of flash of them, the old color shining warmly out at her. But when she reached out with the Force, trying to find him, they retreated, returning to the evil, emotionless pits. With a snarl of pain and rage, Karran released the lightning and struck, his crimson saber burning through the air as night fell on Dathomir.

Blade against blade, Karran had her outmatched. His strikes came like the blows of a hammer onto an anvil, hard and steady, breaking her meager defenses apart. Her only saving grace was that he was exhausted, his breath ragged and torturous. The lightning had taken a good deal out of him. But that was only good if she was trying to kill him, which she wasn’t. She struck three blows for every one of his, but it wasn’t enough. She tried everything; wheeling around his guard, cutting chunks out of his armor, trying to dodge or roll or leap. Anything to get to the chest behind him. But there just wasn’t enough room.

Still, she persevered. Gathering her strength for a final attempt, Sera poured everything that she had into her core and legs. She dropped into a loose, ready stance, her feet wide and her eyes on Karran’s saber. She darted forward. He swung, a sweeping, two-handed blow that would have bisected her at the hip.She quickly dropped, sliding in the thick mud of the swamp. The blood-red blade passed over her horns by an inch.

That left her behind him, finally, with an opening on the chest. Scrambling to her feet, Sera brought her saber up even as the witch’s ghostly image coalesced before her once more. The zabrak snarled and thrust her saber forward, aiming for the woman’s heart—

—only for her blade to glance off of a barrier that she couldn’t see.

Sera’s hearts fell as an icy tide of cold washed over her. Her attack had left a mark, a glowing crack in the invisible dome, but beyond that there was nothing. She attacked again, stabbing down with the dagger in her off-hand. Nothing...nothing, nothing, nothing. The ghost of the witch cackled and spoke, her voice echoing like a yawning grave in Sera’s mind.

”He’s mine, flesh. He was meant to be. You will be too. I will let him wake, once he has killed you. I will let him see what he has done, as your blood dries on his hands. His mind will break, flesh, and I will see that he never leaves.”

A grip closed over Sera’s throat, lifting her into the air; choking, strangling, crushing. This time, the touch was all too real; not an invisible vice, but Karran’s hand, squeezing down hard. Her vision flashing white, the zabrak twisted in her friend’s grip and did the one thing that she could think of. Her dagger was still clutched in her off-hand; it was her last resort. Without a target, she flailed, slicing backwards.

Karran grunted in pain, and his grip released. Sera felt a warm fluid spray onto the back of her neck as she scrambled away, clambering to her feet. Turning, she saw the wound that she had inflicted. Her friend’s left ring-finger had been cleanly severed, dark blood seeping from the wound.

It didn’t stop him for long. As Sera watched, her friend straightened and flexed the wounded hand. The blackened sockets around his eyes had grown darker as the venom that had poisoned his mind spread outward, creating a gangrenous rot on his features. Zabraki resilience was a double-edged sword. Even as it allowed her to keep fighting after being half-throttled by a hulking juggernaut, it also dulled the pain of Karran’s wound, driving him forward, even missing his damned finger.

Extending his good hand, Karran pulled his weapon back through the air, blood smearing across the hilt as the ruddy blade hissed to life. He raised it up, preparing to land a killing blow.

This was where anyone else might have cut and run. She could have bolted into the swamp, called the Voidbreaker to send reinforcements, and waited for help. When they came, she could return and see him freed… but she wouldn’t leave him here. She couldn’t leave him here. He was one of her closest friends, her Captain, her family. She refused to abandon him to one of the witches that had haunted their childhood nightmares.

When Karran’s strike finally came down, it passed through open air. Sera had dodged backwards, circling around her target. Karran followed her closely, putting his back to the chest. The green, glowing eyes never left her face

The smaller zabrak squared her jaw. She was going to destroy that damned karking witch. But, that would require a change of tactics. It had already been demonstrated that she couldn’t just run around him. She had to go through him, put him out of commission long enough to destroy the chest. The thought pained her, but she didn’t see what other choice she had.

The two stood still for a moment, watching each other. Sera inhaled and released, her core tightening, her stance spreading wide and loose. Slowly, she rolled her neck, back and forth. Her grip on her weapons grew tighter; saber in one hand, dagger in the other. Again, she took a slow breath, in and out. Her mind opened, calling to the Force. Seconds passed, time flowing as thick and slow as the soupy fog, before energy flowed into her, driving out the weariness in her musculature and filling her with strength.

Ancestors, help us both.

With that, Sera charged. This time she didn’t try to dodge around Karran. Instead, she barreled into him straight on, her blade blurring through the air. Sera pushed inwards, shoving aside Karran’s sweeping blow to push inside his guard. A Force-amplified kick to her friend’s left knee drove him downwards, but she hadn’t won yet. Twisting his body, he brought his saber back around, angling right for a crushing blow that would have taken Sera’s head off at her shoulders.

She felt the attack coming, a twitch-instinct raising her right-hand to stop the blow. It would have been pure folly, if it wasn’t for the glowing shield that issued forth from her gauntlet at the very last moment.

The saber smashed into the barrier and rebounded hard, recoiling out of Karran’s grip. Snarling, the maddened zabrak clenched the now empty hand into a fist, curving upward into a hammer blow that connected with Sera’s side. She grunted in pain, the shock driving her breath from her lungs as her dagger skittered from her right hand. But it pulled him off balance. He was already on his knees and she was not going to let him get up again. She countered instantly, pressing in for a cutting blow across his chin. She then spun right and planted an elbow in the center of his face, knocking him onto his back.

The blows barely seemed to pain him. Even as hot blood poured down his face from the new split in his nose, Karran flexed his core, driving both legs upwards to spear into her gut, pushing her backwards. That gave him time, his free hand rising. There was only a moment of warning before Sera felt a vice begin to close around her throat once more. Her own hand rose, taking aim, even as her vision blurred...

The saber dart shot out with a sharp hiss, digging deep into Karran’s throat. The invisible stranglehold began to fade, before dropping away altogether. Her friend’s gauntleted hand sank to the mud. The venom acted fast, it seemed. But, she wasn’t going to take any chances. Choking the muggy air into her lungs, Sera knelt. The grappling line in her vambraces would do well for a hog-tie, on the off-chance that the larger zabrak awoke.

Panting, Sera stumbled backwards, teeth baring in a snarl. Her boots sloshed heavily through the marsh, past the bodies of the dead mercenaries and the wreckage of her own battle. The chest seemed almost lonely. Where the witch had once been, there was now only empty air, the mark of Sera’s saber marking the invisible barrier. Perhaps she had retreated, sensing the end coming? The ghost of Dathomir had made a grievous mistake, afterall. She had messed with Sera’s friend. Her family.

Now she had a wet, blood-soaked, beaten and incredibly pissed zabraki limping towards her, a glower on her tattooed face and a glowing saber in her hand. If there was one thing that could drive a witch of Dathomir to fear, that was it.

Sera stopped, her chest heaving. Her saber rose up high above her head and came down hard, scoring a new scar in the barrier. The zabrak paused, examining the invisible dome before repeating the blow… and then again… and then again. The blows fell, one after another, until the barrier was cut to ribbons, cracks spreading over the dome. Her saber rose once more and fell, shattering through the barrier.

A whispering laughter filled her mind, jarring her from the course. Sera stopped, adjusting her grip on the weapon. Just the chest now. Just one more strike.

She felt the Force’s shrieking warning, a knife twisting in her guts, just a moment too late. A saber hissed to life behind her and she tried to dodge away. The bare tip of Karran’s saber caught her, burning away her front-right horn. Crying out at the sudden pain, Sera stumbled backwards, raising her own blade up to defend herself… just slightly too late.

“I have it, Sera! I’ll protect you!” her friend cried as he thrust his blood-red blade through her thigh, the burning saber parting flesh and bone. The terrible scent of cooking flesh — her own flesh — crossed her mind. Then his hand was on her throat, throwing her backwards to the mud. The larger zabrak stepped over her, throwing his saber to the side as he planted a crushing, Force amplified kick in Sera’s ribs. She felt something crack.

Then he was kneeling on top of her, and blows were raining down. She fought back, battering him, driving a knee into his gut. But, she was the exhausted one now, her breath coming raggedly. The taste of blood coated her tongue, her cracked rib seeming to dig into her lungs. The venom hadn’t seemed to affect him at all. Not for long, at least.

He’s been dosing himself. The damned, paranoid fool told you he was, just in case. He must have recovered, snapped the cable...with the Force, he could have...

The thought was interrupted by another blow crossing Sera’s face, her vision flashing white. Karran paused then, panting, his green-tinged eyes wide and filled with hate. He was going to kill her.

Sera felt something to her side, brushing against the fingertips of her left hand. She glanced that way and saw it: her dagger, gleaming in the mud. Slowly her fingers closed over it. He was going to kill her. She didn’t have any other choice.

No.

She glanced back up at him and opened her mind to the Force, feelers of sense reaching out, touching his mind. Where before she had felt a wall, a block that she couldn’t even begin to move. Now, there was weakness, a crack; if she could just push...

His fingers closed over her throat. She was running out of time.

Her mind shoved against the barrier, and felt it begin to fall away. A flash of brown shined out through the green.

His grip tightened. It was now or never. She had to kill him or he was going to kill her.

No choice. No choice. No…

No.

She wouldn’t. He was her Captain. Her friend. Her family.

If she died, she died, but she wouldn’t kill him. Never.

Black began to slid over her vision. But as she went, Sera managed to sneak one message into her friend’s mind.

Fight her, Karran.

-

Karran froze, his grip releasing.

”Kill it, Karran. Kill it please.”

The zabrak nodded, staring down at the creature’s still form, gasping for breath beneath him. That was Sera’s voice, speaking from behind him. He had to help her, had to save her. And yet…

Fight her, Karran.

His vision flashed and the beast was gone. Sera lay in its place, struggling to breathe and writhing in pain. Karran recoiled, his hearts freezing. Then the image was gone, replaced by the rotten beast once more.

*”I’m… begging, Karran. It hurts…”

The zabrak looked down, his face twisting. Then, slowly and painfully he stood, summoning his saber to his hand. The blood red blade extended before him. He would make it quick. Easy. Painless.

The metal of his boot clanked against something, and he looked down. It was Sera’s dagger.

Fight her, Karran.

The image burned before him once again and Karran’s brain seemed to split, a thunderous pain shooting through his flesh and his eyes. Groaning, he fell to his knees and pressed his hands to his horns.

Suddenly he was aware of every wound on his body. The slice across his cheek, his severed finger, the crushed nose, every bruise, every cut, every ache. The Force left him, the amplification falling away…

Karran opened his eyes, saw what he had done to Sera, and screamed.

He no longer had a family. Not for years. Everything that he had, he gave to his crew, his family. Everything.

Fight her, Karran.

Karran pushed himself upwards, fighting against the exhaustion that threatened to take him. The wind seemed to hiss, the sky turning black as the sun fell across the horizon. His steps faltered… but he drove on.

Fight her.

He would do anything for his crew. They came before him; before his own life. It was an easy choice.

Fight her.

And now what? What had he done? He’d let himself be duped. He’d nearly killed one of his crew. One of his friends. Sera.

The zabrak snarled, and drew his saber once more, the blood-red blade burning before him as he advanced towards the chest. He saw the witch — a ghostly snatch of pale green light against the night— and that was enough to set him bellowing, screaming his rage into the Dathomirian swamp.

His friend. He’d nearly killed his friend.

Fight her, Karran.

He raised his saber over the chest, the emerald brilliance glowing, filling his vision. A ruby-red pierced it, overpowered it, and drove it back.

The blade came down, and the chest split in two. There was silence, and then a scream cut through the night, a pillar of green flame coursing into the sky, illuminating the whole of the swamp. The scream was of rage, pain, hate… and grief. A terrible, melancholy wail; a song of mourning, for all the nightsisters, now passed on.

Sera.

Karran didn’t pause. Whirling, he sprinted back to his friend, dropping by her side. In an instant, he had issued an emergency call on his com-link; help would be here in moments to pick them both up, to return them to the Voidbreaker.

If they lasted that long.

Sera’s form was still and ashen, her eyes shut, blood and mud caking her body. Karran knelt by her side, dumbfounded, unsure of what to do. She didn’t seem to be breathing.

“You… aren’t going to do this to me. I… I refuse. You are not going to…”

He couldn’t finish the thought, trailing into silence. Slowly, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to cut off the tide he felt coming.

He didn’t see her blue eyes flutter open. Didn't see her chest rise with a hitch. All he got was a poke in the ribs. “...Karran?”

Her strangled voice was like glass on gravel, but it snapped Karran’s eyes open like a firecracker nonetheless. “Sera!”

There was a pause as the pair just looked at eachother, an ocular pat down of wounds and dishevelment. They both looked like zombies, or mudpeople. Maybe both.

Sera broke the silence. “You… look like kriffing bantha kark, Captain.”

He just looked at her, brown eyes locking on dancing, glittering blue. Then he couldn’t help but laugh. They were both a little worse for the wear, sure. But, the laughter was a sign.

As Sera always liked to believe… everything was going to turn out just fine.

-

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 21 February, 2020 9:16 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Sera this was an awesome ending post. Lots of great action, and the details on how absolutely exhausted both Sera and Karran are, even I feel what they are feeling (as the reader). The emotions, paired with the relationship, really cement investment into the characters. I personally was really rooting for Sera to break through to Karran, and get him to realize what he needed to do. You did not disappoint! That sort of on the edge of my seat anticipation is great. Keep it up!

Can be Improved

There were still a few Syntax errors. You started to capitalize the Z in Zabrak, but there were still some cases of where you didn’t capitalize. There was an instance that confused me a bit, and looking at your CS helped clear it up. Where you put “saber” in this sentence, I think you meant “paralyzing":

The saber paralyzing dart shot out with a sharp hiss,[...]

Show don’t tell. Instead of this:
The Force left him, the amplification falling away…

Show this: As the Force left Karran, his strength rapidly faded away…

Another hit you took on this post was on the Continuity. In Karran’s post, he mentioned that your dagger was 3 meters away and in his path. Picking up your lightsaber, which was much closer, then engaged Karran. Now came the slightly jarring and confusing part in your post. You had Sera slide through the mud with her saber, come up behind Karran and attack the chest. This was an awesome scene and played really well in my mind. However, when Sera attacked the shield around the chest, this is where my mind paused and went “Wait, what was that that?”

[...] She attacked again, stabbing down with the dagger in her off-hand. [...]

This sentence and the other mentions of the dagger, brought me, as the reader, out of the story a bit. When did she pick up the dagger? I can see if Sera slid through the mud at just the right angle, she could have grabbed the dagger on the way up, but there was nothing shown to suggest that. Instead, the dagger just appeared in her hand. When showing something like this, especially when bringing in a second weapon, you want to make sure to hint a little as to how the characters grabs or moves in a certain way to get at the weapon. So that when the character does bring it out, the reader isn’t like, “Wait, where did that come from?” Instead the reader is like, “Ah ha, I see what you did there.” If you take something mentioned in the last post and continue with it, just be sure to suddenly incorporate it into your post, add a hint to get the reader thinking about, or simply remind them of the placement of things.

Sera watched as her friend fell to his knees with a pained look on his face. He reached out his hand toward her, and for a moment, she thought that Karran had beaten back whatever force controlled his mind. However, she tempered her instinct to rush to him and take his hand. There was no way to tell if he was truly back— that was, until the Juggernaut looked up. His eyes were still glowing green.

A second later, electricity arced from Karran’s fingers as lightning burst forth. It connected with Sera’s chest and knocked her back. Pain coursed through her body. When it stopped, she slumped to the ground.

She looked up to see Karran, her friend… no, not her friend. This thing wasn’t her friend anymore. She mustered up the strength to kick out with her foot, aiming directly for his groin. As her foot made contact with the armor plating that covered the area, Sera dropped her head back and groaned.

“Of course you would wise up to that, katka boora.”


Karran stood and looked down at the beast that lay sprawled on the ground. It seemed that the lightning had stunned it momentarily. It had tried to kick out at him, but his armor protected him.

“I am glad Sera suggested I invest in more protective clothing.”

He bent down and grabbed the thing by the neck and lifted it. Summoning the lightning before had proved exhausting, but his hatred for this creature carried him on. Slowly he began squeezing. The monster twisted and writhed in his grip, chittering and screaming in its own language. It tried to kick out at him but again only made contact with his armor.


Sera felt the life being choked out of her by Karran’s hand. Her hands came up to try and pry his fingers away, but to no avail. She took account of her options. Her lightsaber was on the ground, as was her knife. The only things she had were her blaster and her vambraces. Her vision was starting to narrow. She was running out of time. The smaller Zabrak shakily pointed one of the vambraces at Karran and released a quick burst of poison into his face.

Karran recoiled back from the gaseous attack, coughing. He released his grip on Sera, letting her drop to the ground, coughing her own fit. Breathing heavily, she scrambled for her lightsaber and activated it as she picked it up. She looked to the chest, thinking that this might be her last chance. Sera shot one last look at her friend and charged for the chest.


Karran coughed and wheezed. The little monster had sprayed him like a Ryn marking its territory! He heaved and hacked until spittle and bile collected in a pool at his feet. He looked to the monster, whom he saw was making a dash for Sera. He tried to take a step to chase it, but felt his legs give out from under him. The Sith watched as the monster leapt into the air with its blade of shadow coming down to impale his friend. He watched as Sera laid curled up on the ground, helpless, reaching for him. Her eyes begged him to help. To do something to save her.

Karran reached out with a hand toward the monster and began calling upon the Force, but was interrupted by another bout of stomach-turning coughs. His eyes teared up. He could not save his friend, he could barely stand. He watched as the monster drove its blade into Sera, and then… there was nothing but another blinding light, followed by total darkness.


Sera shakily picked herself up from where she had landed after destroying the chest. The ghostly figure had screamed and disappeared as she stabbed her lightsaber into its vessel. She shuffled over to where Karran lay, unconscious. He would need medical attention, certainly. She hoped that there would be no lingering effects of his time under the Dathomirian witch’s control.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 18 February, 2020 5:04 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Karran I have to commend you on the fact that you have no errors. Period! Great work. The back and forth between the characters' points of view were great and picked up at just the right overlapping points. Also you have good action, and even some great humor.

“I am glad Sera suggested I invest in more protective clothing.” Love this!!

Can be Improved

The only thing that I felt could be improved in this post is if you took just a little more time, it might not have felt as rushed as it does. The last couple paragraphs could have been added to just to help the pacing a bit. Overwise a great match.