Knight Appius Wight vs. Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig

Knight Appius Wight

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender
Comment

First off, my sincere apologies for how long this has taken to get to judgment. At 19 days in the queue, you've been waiting twice as long as you should have for a result. Real life issues left first the original judge, and then me as well, struggling to find time to complete this. You can, and should, expect a shorter turnaround in the future.

On a more pleasant note, I'm happy to welcome Trenkyp to the ACC and welcome Appius back. I am absolutely delighted to seen both you as individuals and Vizsla as a whole building a strong ACC community from the ground floor, and I hope to see you grow into a true powerhouse in future club-wide ACC events.

However, nobody starts out as a master and there's some room for growth for both of you. For Trenkyp, that primarily means taking your time to build up a narrative and really paint a picture in your readers' minds. For Appius, of course, the fundamentals are already there and it primarily comes down to polish and proofreading. As you both continue to dive into the ACC I expect to see you continue to get better and better with each match.

In this case, experience took the day and Appius Wight is the winner. As always, if you need further clarification or advice, please feel free to reach out to us at acc_staff@googlegroups.com.

Archenksov
Combat Master

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Appius Wight, Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig
Winner Knight Appius Wight
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Appius Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Daleem: Tunnels
Last Post 5 January, 2020 12:47 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: On the borderline between a 3 and 4. Ultimately I decided on the lower score because I did have to stop and reread a few sentences here and there for comprehension. Rationale: No errors that Tahiri or I could identify.
Story - 40%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: See post comments. The had the bones in place for a higher score, but needed a bit of tweaking. Rationale: As I mentioned in the post comments, this really just needed more fleshing out. If you prefer the shorter post style, another option may be to set up a match with more than two posts per writer for a rapid back and forth style.
Realism - 25%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: One minor issue in your first post. Rationale: See the post comments.
Continuity - 20%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson's Score: 3.65 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.3
Posts

Daleem: Tunnels

Underneath the surface of Daleem is a complex and extensive planet-wide interconnected tunnel system. These tunnels connect to various ancient ruins from a multitude of long dead civilizations; some even run beneath the planet’s shallow oceans. While openings to the tunnels are a rare find, it is almost a guarantee that somewhere within each surface ruin site is a way to enter the tunnels, usually through an ancient, protected hatch or a prior cave-in.

The tunnels are decidedly sentient-made and look to be in relative repair with a few exceptions. Of note, water has found its way into some sections that are under the shallow oceans, droplets dripping onto the floor and trickling down the walls. Curiously, these small pools stay relatively small even though no obvious escape route exists, causing many to believe that animals have found their way into the underground passage as well. Some travellers have even heard the skittering insects from the darker recesses of the tunnels. In addition, acrid smoke wafts and weaves through the chambers. Though harmless, the overpowering stench irritates the noses of those forced to pass through without respiratory protection.

Several data screens hang from the walls, displaying cryptic information from some unknown system. Hexagonal in shape, the long corridors are broken up by smaller indentations that appear to be blast door housings. Various conduits hang down from broken panels, and occasionally crackle and spark with electricity. At the end of each section of tunnel, between each 'door', lies a circular portal covered with hardened duraplate. Whatever lies beyond them is a mystery that has yet to be solved.

By the Force, it's dark in here.

That was the initial first thought of the Kel Dor known as Trenkyp Zkig. The newly initiated Clan Vizsla member and specialised Defender.

The tunnels of Daleem were notoriously devoid of light. Droplets of water poured down the walls and splashed onto the steel grates beneath his feet, creating thunderous, yet quick echoes that rang through his ears. What little light presented itself was provided by old monitors that clung to life against the walls, eroded by the harshness of time and the corruption of the water that leaked into their systems. Power cables hung above his head, some sparked ominously having been dissected and cut.

Of all the places the young defender imagined to meet the man that would be his master for the first time, this was not one of them.

Of course, why would I expect anything else?

He mused to himself as he cautiously stepped through the dank corridors. There was no doubt in his mind that given the condition of the place it probably smelled worse than a wampa's backside. At least he had his breathing apparatus to rely on. It neutralised the stench, it was one of the few perks of not being able to breathe normal oxygen. Granted, life would be much easier if he actually could breathe the air without the device strapped to his face.

He tapped into the power of the Force to try and pick up on any trace of the man he was searching for. Thankfully, other than the myriad of insects that made these tunnels their home the area seemed completely abandoned. What purpose these tunnels served at one point was a mystery to him, but that was something he could address at another time. For now, he picked up the presence of two individuals down a passage to his right. He was close now, he could feel it.

"Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it!"

He could also hear it. A loud yell boomed down the hallways and chambers and as he gazed down the tunnel the silhouettes of two individuals appeared to him. He retreated back, trying his best not to be seen.

"I'll triple it, anything you want. Please, I have a family!"

"You should have thought about that before you went on a killing spree, Kalim. You attracted the attention of Clan Vizsla and my job is to bring you in. After that, it's up to the Living Force to decide your fate."

Out of the two voices he could hear one sounded relatively normal whilst the other sounded almost artificial, like it was altered and made deeper in some strange way.

Two individuals then appeared before him out of the passage. The first was an old human man with a skinny frame and white hair, disheveled and crazed. The other was a tall, slender looking male wearing what appeared to Trenkyp to be Mandalorian armor of some description. Black in colour with grey streaks to it, what stood out most was the red symbol on his chest.

Silence occurred between the three for the briefest of seconds before the man now identified as Kalim took a step towards him. Trenkyp recoiled back and grabbed hold of his lightsaber. He didn't activate it, however. Merely held it in his right hand by his waist.

"Please, please help me. I'll give you anything you want," pleaded Kalim. But almost as soon as he spoke his concerned and frightened face etched into a sadistic grin, his pupils dilated and he winked at the Kel Dor. Trenkyp's heart pounded fast in his chest as he activated his weapon. A sapphire blade erupted out of his Novitiate Armory Lightsaber.

"Look out!" The Jedi called as his voice boomed and his lightsaber hummed through the sound consuming tunnels. He held the hilt in both hands and downwards from his right hip.

Kalim spun and readied himself to deliver a cheap shot to the Mandalorians groin. He pulled his leg back but this setup provided his captor the moment he needed to act. Instantly, he thrust his arm forward and it felt like a strong gust of wind roared out of the palm of his hand and pushed Kalim back into the path of Trenkyp's lightsaber. It cut through Kalim's abdomen seamlessly as blood poured from the now two pieces of the man's body into a small puddle of water and only cauterized after a few moments.

Trenkyp's glared at the man's body before slowly turning his gaze to his blade. He hadn't moved and yet, his blade was the responsible weapon for his death.

"I'd hoped to avoid killing him. He's worth as much dead as he was alive but still… that's besides the point. Two wrongs don't make a right."

The deep voice of the Mandalorian armor wearing man echoed through the tunnels. It was then that Trenkyp suddenly realised. This Mandalorian, whoever he was, had just used the Force.

Trenkyp deactivated his lightsaber but kept it in his hands, one could never be too careful.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to get you involved. It just kind of… happened," the Mandalorian spoke regretfully.

"So what's your name? Kind of strange to see another Force User here. Were you sent by Vizsla? Or are you a member of Odan Urr?"

The Daleem tunnels were, at least at one time, home to a house of Clan Odan Urr. But that seemed to be a thing of the past now.

"Trenkyp Zkig. I'm looking for someone. Appius Wight," the Defender spoke bluntly and never took his eyes off the Force User stood in front of him. Naturally, he expected the worst.

The Mandalorian raised his hands to his helmet and slowly took it off. He held it under his left arm and the sight that greeted the young Kel Dor was that of a young human male with blue eyes and short buzz-cut brown hair. His skin was pale in colour, nothing like the orange of his own.

"Well, look no further, you've found him."

Appius smiled at Trenkyp, though it did nothing to settle the young defender’s nerves.

"Is something wrong?" The Sorcerer asked as he tilted his head slightly to the side.

"You aren't exactly what I was expecting…" responded Trenkyp, the deflection in his voice was apparent. He was expecting to be trained by a fellow Jedi, to learn the ways of the old order but Appius was… not a Jedi. Or at least it certainly didn't look like it. Suddenly, Appius' lips turned into a slight grin.

"And that, my apprentice, is your first lesson. Never jump to conclusions."

The Force screamed it's warning to Trenkyp and instinctively he activated his weapon once again. Electricity crackled between the fingertips of Appius' right hand before shooting at him like a javelin, illuminating everything around it like deadly neon. Thankfully, Trenkyp was able to roll out of the way of the frightening attack just in time. He steadied his weapon once again and prepared himself for whatever Appius would try next. He called upon the Force to protect him from whatever may come, knowing the narrow tunnels didn't provide much for him in the way of mobility.

He felt it once again, the impulse of danger probed the back of his mind. Electricity surged and lanced towards him but this time it seemed to be stopped by what appeared to be some kind of invisible shield just inches in front of him. Unfortunately the protection he called upon wasn't able to stop what felt like gravity pushing him off his feet and backwards down the tunnel from which he came. His lightsaber rolled away a couple of feet next to him and clanged against the nearby wall.

The hard steel of the Daleem tunnel floors did very little to cushion his landing and the dampness clung to his cloak and Jedi Robes. Nevertheless, he steadied himself and quickly grabbed his lightsaber, activating it once again. He was immediately greeted by the sight of Appius approaching him, his right arm extended towards him as his footsteps echoed loudly down the confined hallways.

"Montresor has perfect timing, doesn't he? He could have at least told me you were coming," the Sorcerer said with evident annoyance in his voice. He dropped his arm back to his side.

"No matter, he assigned me to be your master and be your master I shall. Seems you are pretty capable at least."

Appius glanced back momentarily at the severed body of Kalim several feet behind him. His heart sank at the sight.

Suddenly, the Force User felt a shift in the Force as a warning sparked within his own brain. The Sorcerer called upon the Force and his own lightsaber floated to his right hand from his waist. He dropped his helmet as it crashed to the floor, timed perfectly with the activation of his own lightsaber. He held his hand high on the hilt, almost on top of the emitter. He then pulled his blade back in a one-handed grip, angled forwards with his blade arm held parallel, the other hand was held up in front of him and his dominant right foot was positioned back behind him. His heart pounded in his chest as he attempted to steady his breathing.

Trenkyp tried to control his own anger at the circumstances surrounding Kalim's death. But he was forced to kill a man against his will and as a Jedi, that was something that would not stand. Not only that, but Appius started the confrontation by using the Force against him. Could he win though? He certainly had to try. Justice demanded it.

Trenkyp gripped his own blade with both his hands and called upon the Force to increase his speed, he was within Appius' proximity within moments as he instantly he aimed a strike at his would-be master's right shin. Despite his enhanced speed, the Sorcerer was able to deflect the blow. He tried once again, a horizontal strike at his torso but the careful and deliberate strike was once again met by the resistance of Appius' blade. He continued a series of strikes that were slow and careful. However, Trenkyp didn't specialise in a more advanced lightsaber form so against Appius' defence focused style he could not find an opening to land a strike. What was worse, is that the Mandalorian Force User seemed to be barely trying. Like he was testing him.

Blue clashed against blue for a few moments before Appius took his moment to concentrate the power of the Force into the palm of his hand and slammed it into the ground between them, causing the Defender to stagger back several places.

"Very good, but let's see how you handle this," The Sorcerer said defiantly.

The Force alarmed Trenkyp once again as Appius raised his right hand towards one of the loose power cables that sparked and sizzled above their heads and it launched it towards the Kel Dor's head.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 January, 2020 2:02 PM UTC

What Went Well

You certainly had no lack of action in this post. The combat was definitely the highlight here. I also particularly enjoyed your depiction of Force powers.

Room for Growth

There were several minor syntax issues in this post, most of which could have been caught in thorough proofing, e.g. apostrophe issues. The one item that was fairly consistent here is that you should either capitalize discipline names or not. You were pretty consistent here with ‘Sorcerer’ but you kept bouncing between ‘Defender’ and ‘defender.’

The major issue with your story in this post is that, at about a thousand words in, I had to scroll back up to confirm that this was in the Duelist Hall. The back half of this post had plenty of combat, but what felt off to me is that it came out of nowhere. You spent so much of your word count on the Kalim stuff that I expected it to form the basis for this story, but ultimately he was quickly dispatched and we settled into the familiar “someone said I have to train you, so dodge” narrative.

On the nitpickier side, the CS Guide specifically notes that Barrier protects against Force powers, yet you have Appius send Trenkyp flying through the barrier, either through some push effect from Lighting or perhaps Telekinesis.

Trenkyp barely dodged the cables, although a spark touched his cloak and set it on fire. He quickly grabbed the cloak and slapped it a few times to stop the burning.

The Kel Dor charged towards the human, but he was slowed down halfway to Appius, who was holding his hand toward Trenkyp, slowing his senses.

Trenkyp held out his hand, pointed it at Appius and rendered his connection to the Force useless for a few seconds. Appius reached out to the Force and threw the Kel Dor's lightsaber away. Trenkyp took his Vibrodagger out of his belt and threw it at Appius' lightsaber. He held his hand out and started focusing on the dagger until he could control its path. The dagger hit Appius' lightsaber and flew behind him, but then it turned towards Appius himself.

Appius barely dodged the dagger, which scraped his Mandalorian armor. He took out his blaster and started shooting at Trenkyp. The Kel Dor conjured a barrier out of thin air and grabbed his Vibroblade from his belt. When the Mandalorian started reloading his weapon, Trenkyp lunged towards Appius with his blade above his head. Appius stopped Trenkyp in the air and pushed him backwards.

Appius then let go of his blaster and made it float above him. Trenkyp dropped his blade and started running at the Mandalorian.

"Hand-to-hand combat is my thing," said the Kel Dor with a grin on his face.

"I've got a blaster too," said Appius.

Trenkyp kept dodging Appius' hits, as Appius kept trying to knock Trenkyp off balance. Appius started firing his blaster at the Kel Dor, who barely dodged the shots.

Trenkyp then backed away from Appius to retrieve his lightsaber and his Vibroblade.

"I like lightsaber combat more."

Appius put his blaster on his belt and took his own lightsaber from the ground.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 January, 2020 2:02 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your syntax here was excellent. Even in short posts, it seems like typos and stray commas always make their way in, so it’s always impressive when someone submits something so polished. Additionally, you provided plenty of action, which is generally where the focus should be in a middle post.

Room for Growth

The main issue here was with Force power usage. There are two aspects to this. First, remember that Force use is fatiguing. This is fairly minor for the basic powers (Amplification, Blinding, Control Self, Creature Control, Precognition, Sense, and Telepathy), but per the CS Guide. Both characters went into this post good and warmed up, but given the massive amount of power use in such a short exchange, they should both be getting pretty tired by the end of the post. Second, remember that +3 is the threshold for split-second use of a Force power, i.e. what we generally call “combat ready.” At +2, the power requires a moment to ‘charge up’ and you’ll need to depict that. At +1, the power requires such a build-up of focus to us that it’s not really practical for combat.

Simultaneously, blue erupted out of both lightsaber hilts and truthfully, Appius had to admit he was slightly impressed. It wasn't often someone was able to disarm him, especially in the manner in which Trenkyp did. Farrin Xies Tarantae, his own master, had trained him and made him Vizsla's first Knight. It was through his brutal training that he was even able to become the inaugural leader of House Wren's first Battleteam, known as Battleteam Deathwatch. So if Appius was going to train this new Vizsla upstart then he would be damned if he didn't make Trenkyp Vizsla's second Knight and a damn good one at that.

The Sorcerer gasped for air as sweat began to drop down his face. He stared down the man he was to train as his apprentice. He'd been a bit too liberal with his use of the Force up until now and it was beginning to take its toll on him, he needed to end the fight quickly. Thankfully, it seemed the fight up to this point had taken its toll on Trenkyp too. His cloak was burned and he smelled like ash, which was honestly more welcome than the stench of the tunnels. He was bruised and fatigue appeared to be getting the best of him too.

Appius knew it would be better to end the fight quickly, especially for the both of them. He stared at the Kel Dor holding his lightsaber in one hand and his vibrosword in the other before an idea crossed his mind.

Trenkyp immediately attacked him with both his weapons, hoping to catch Appius off guard and create an opening. However, his own skill with a blade in each hand was not at the level of expert swordsman and as Appius deflected the first blow with his lightsaber he flicked his wrists and reactively met the blade of the vibrosword mere inches before it cut into his flesh. It sliced near the hilt of the blade, causing the blade itself to fly to the nearby wall and crash into one of the tunnels many monitors. Sparks exploded out of it and forced the two Force users to move out of the way of the deadly hazard. Sensing his opportunity, The Sorcerer then spun and concentrated the power of the Force within the palm of his hand to create a blinding flash of light directly in front of the Kel Dor's face. He was forced to shut his eyes tight but the damage was done and burned in his eyeballs painfully.

Appius' breathing was hard now, if he was going to finish this fight he had to do it now, fatigue was creeping up on him and there wasn't too much more he was going to be able to do. In his act of self defense, Trenkyp swung his blade towards Appius as fast and as hard as he could but only met pure air. Appius ducked and moved to the Kel Dor's side and forced a palm into his ribs, staggering the young man back against the damp tunnel wall. The Sorcerer commanded his emotions to provide the emotional stimuli to fuel the last attack he would be able to muster for this battle. He dropped his lightsaber to the ground as electricity sparked ominously in his hands. Anger, rage, sorrow and fury were just a small number of the feelings from his past called upon to fuel his attack like hot lava through his bloodstream. He steeled himself, forcing himself to control the lightning that jetted out of his hands towards the Kel Dor, whom, despite the warning he received from the Force, the battle had taken its toll on him and due to the pain in his eyes, he wasn't able to summon a barrier to protect him once again. Lightning then coursed through his body as he dropped to the ground and writhed in agony. His flesh burned and his clothing scorched.

The second he hit the ground the lightning halted its stream. It's producer, Appius, then dropped back onto his buttocks and gasped for breaths. Trenkyp had utterly surprised him. Where did someone in the early Journeyman ranks learn how to fight like that? Appius had to wonder…

His own lungs ached and his muscles felt numb under the pressure of the Force he had subjected them too. His eyes watered as his internal organs struggled to obtain required to function properly. His heartbeat pounded in his ears like a drum but nevertheless, after a few moments he was able to will himself to his feet. He was groggy and his legs felt weak, but he managed to steady himself and every second he could feel his strength return to him and the overpowering stench of the tunnels assaulted his sense of smell once again. He was about to leave Trenkyp where he was for the moment and go searching for his helmet which he dropped further down the tunnel earlier in the fight until he heard something that made him stop. It wasn't the insects that scattered among the walls, or the sound of tiny water droplets from the ceiling dropping onto his head, but the sound of raspy breathing coming from the body next to him.

I didn't hurt him too badly, did I?

The Sorcerer pondered this too himself. Perhaps he'd gone too far? But upon closer inspection he could see what the problem was. When Trenkyp hit the floor his breathing apparatus had come loose and he was now breathing in the acrid smoke which contained traces of oxygen, harmful to the Kel Dor's system. Appius staggered over and dropped to his knees next to him. He held the breathing apparatus back over Trenkyp's mouth and attempted to fasten it back on as best he could.


35 minutes later.

He awoke from his pain induced slumber in a daze. He was surprised to wake up at all. The Force had many mysterious ways of expressing one’s destiny and apparently today was not the day he would countless other Jedi in the afterlife. But the sight that greeted him was not one he was expecting. The Mandalorian Force user was stood leaning against a wall, his left leg crossed over his right and his blue eyes appeared to be enthralled in some kind of black book.

Trenkyp tried to move but the moment he did it felt like his insides were on fire. Burn marks adorned his skin and he couldn't help but grunt at the horrid sensation. He placed his hands on his chest and already he felt the soothing energy of the Force flow through his body.

"Oh, you're awake," spoke Appius surprisingly. He slammed his book shut and placed it away.

Trenkyp tried to move once again but whilst he certainly felt better, the pain was still intense enough to stop him.

"Careful, I'm not sure if I put it on right."

The Kel Dor was confused for a moment until he realized his breathing mask felt a tiny bit more loose than usual. Not enough to cause any damage from the outside air, but enough to be noticeable. He placed a hand gently on it.

"It came off when you went down, I did my best to put it back on but I'm not sure how I did."

"It's fine," the Defender stated bluntly. The two simply stared at each other for the moment until Trenkyp decided to speak again.

"How long have I been out?" Trenkyp finally asked, breaking the brief quiet between the two once again.

"About half an hour, give or take a few, not that long."

Trenkyp's eyes widened briefly at the sudden revelation. Why hadn't the Mandalorian executed him? Why did he watch over him?

"And you stayed with me?" He asked quietly.

"Of course I did." Responded Appius with a smile.

"But… why? I attacked you."

"I'm not a monster, Trenkyp. I was worried about you so I stayed to make sure you were ok." The Knight responded strongly. The tone in his voice was commanding, as it was for a master over his student.

"What happened with Kalim, does that sort of thing happen often?"

The defender’s question caught the Sorcerer off guard for a moment, but of course he would be curious.

"I'm not going to lie to you, but the answer isn't one you are going to like. Yes, it does. Sometimes bad things happen, but it's up to good people to make the best of these bad situations. I'm sorry about what happened with Kalim but you're in the Brotherhood now and trust me, worse has happened and worse will continue to happen."

Appius paused for a moment to ponder his next statement and reaffirm Trenkyp's belief in not just his master, but himself as well. He looked the Kel Dor in his black eyes.

"My job is to train you to be able to handle the worst when it comes. I'm not going to lie, Trenkyp. My training is going to be brutal, you should have seen what my Master did to me. Trust me, what I did to you is nothing compared to that. But by the time I'm done with you, you will be Vizsla's second Knight and one of the best in the Brotherhood. I promise you that."

Trenkyp lowered his head slightly towards the slight puddle that formed on the steel grates beneath his feet, he clenched his fists and took in a deep breath.

"Ok, I'm in," He said as he muttered his acceptance.

Appius smiled at his apprentice and held out his hand to which the tall Kel Dor graciously accepted. Appius threw the orange skinned man's shoulder over his arm and together their footsteps echoed down the Daleem tunnels. Onwards to a hopefully brighter future.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 January, 2020 2:02 PM UTC

What Went Well

Lots of action, again, as well as a thoughtful amount of aftercare. I particularly enjoyed the attention you paid to Appius’ mentality during the fighting. Likewise, I enjoyed the contrasting philosophies presented here, though it does seem more like a set-up for future writing down the line. Hopefully we do see more of it.

Room for Growth

While I do appreciate that you developed the relationship between Trenkyp and Appius more in the post, I think it would have been a more rewarding approach to spread that out a bit instead of tacking it all on at the end. The bookend structure you have in the match (exposition, fighting, exposition) isn’t a bad approach, but as I mentioned in earlier comments, I think the introduction with Kalim didn’t quite focus on the relationship between our combatants, and so that development mostly occurred after the end of the fight, when dramatic tension had dissipated.

There were a few syntax issues, mostly little things that could have been caught by a skilled proofer, such as incorrect punctuation after dialogue. There were also a few passages that were a bit cumbersome such as this:

He steeled himself, forcing himself to control the lightning that jetted out of his hands towards the Kel Dor, whom, despite the warning he received from the Force, the battle had taken its toll on him and due to the pain in his eyes, he wasn't able to summon a barrier to protect him once again.

That should really have been two sentences or more, and a cool and dramatic moment was undercut slightly by the phrasing. If you’re up for some reading, I’d suggest Steven Pinker’s The Sense of Style.

Appius shot lightning bolts out of his hands at Trenkyp, who absorbed the bolts with his lightsaber and tried to diminish the Mandalorian's Force connection. Trenkyp took his Vibrosword in his left hand and waited for Appius to charge him.

Appius knew what Trenkyp was waiting for and pulled him forward with an invisible force. The Kel Dor swung his lightsaber and his sword at the Human. The Sorcerer blocked the lightsaber and dodged the sword, leaving Trenkyp open for attack. Appius reached towards Trenkyp's guts with his lightsaber.

The Force screamed a warning, which Trenkyp heard. He jumped back, but he got a small cut on his chest. The Kel Dor quickly reached out to the Force to accelerate his healing, but he had a scar left.

Appius opened his right hand and hit the ground with it. The Force pushed Trenkyp backwards, landing on his back. The Mandalorian threw his lightsaber towards Trenkyp. The Kel Dor hit the lightsaber back to Appius with his own lightsaber and quickly created a barrier with the help of the Force.

Appius turned his lightsaber off and fired with his blaster from his hip, shots travelling randomly in the tunnel, few of them hitting Trenkyp's barrier.

The Mandalorian put his blaster back on his belt and ignited his lightsaber. Trenkyp took all of his power to amplify his mind and muscles. He jumped behind Appius faster than the Sorcerer could have seen. The Mandalorian then sensed danger through the Force, but he knew he had lost. Trenkyp was behind him, with a bright blue blade next to Appius' head.

"I'm not weak," said the Kel Dor.

"I never said that. You passed my trial, kid."

"Trial? I beat you. Did you even try?"

"I won't tell you, kid."

"Call me kid once more and that head comes right off," said Trenkyp jokingly.

Trenkyp and Appius then looked for an exit and after hours, they finally exited the tunnels.

"You've got lots to learn," said the Sorcerer to the Jedi, before each of them went their own ways.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 January, 2020 2:03 PM UTC

My comments for this post would be essentially the same as your first one: good action, excellent syntax, but the combatants should be far, far more exhausted than portrayed here.

In addition to the above, I’d suggest taking your descriptions up a notch. While I’m no fan of the “whoever writes more is better” argument, both the individual actions and the plot felt a bit rushed and bare bones here. You really want to paint a picture for your reader. What you have here is a fine start, but Appius’ more fleshed out descriptions and motivations contributed greatly to his victory here.