Acolyte Trenkyp Zkig vs. Colonel Rhylance

Acolyte Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Colonel Rhylance

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

First of all, let me thank you both for competing and completing this match. Well done!

Trenkyp, please, please, you have a very solid technical proficiency, start expanding on details! Look into action-oriented literature and learn from it, or read more ACC fights to see how to improve your Story score. You are still suffering greatly from Telling instead of Showing while writing out scenes, and lacking in transitions.

Rhylance, check your spellchecker, I’m pretty sure your syntax error in your ending was not a subconscious error. Also, shame on you for misspelling Ol’val, you were Quaestor there for how long?

Overall this match was a fun read, and I can see a lot of potential in Trenkyp’s writing. Learn from this, look at what Rhylance did and learn.

With a score of 4.45, Rhylance is the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Trenkyp Zkig, Colonel Rhylance
Winner Colonel Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Colonel Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 1 February, 2020 7:00 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Rhylance Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: A handful of errors, noted. Rationale: A few minor errors throughout, very few, noted.
Story - 40%
Dr. Rhylance Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: A clear ending, lots of reasoning, just lacked a bit of conflict to elevate to a 5 Rationale: You lacked heavily in details or explanations, but not conflict.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Rhylance Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues found Rationale: Two minor errors, as pointed out in notes
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Rhylance Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues found Rationale: One Major Continuity error found.
Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.45 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.07
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Streets

The Vertical City, Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. A vantage point on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel offers a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Simple shops and merchants peddle both legitimate and illegitimate wares. Storefronts are just as plentiful as open-market pop-up tents, and the cantina's adapt the same lowlife air as the rest of the Smuggler's Moon. Enemies could be hidden in plain sight, whether one of the Hutts’ gangsters or mercenaries-for-hire looking to earn some credits. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. They may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for one gifted in the Force.

Trenkyp Zkig was walking down one of the streets of Nar Shaddaa, looking for a specific person to get information for the interest of House Wren. He finally found him, a slim and short Rodian with blue skin in a less populated corner of the streets.

"Where is the Hunter?" the Kel Dor asked. The Hunter was a code name for a ship specifically built for House Wren.

"It will come. The parts you required are very hard to come by, you know?"

A blaster bolt traveled through the air, hitting the Rodian in the head. House Wren had lost a big part of their detail gathering resources with only one shot. Trenkyp could see a Chiss standing on the end of the street with a blaster in his hands. Rhylance, a Field Medic and the Proconsul of Clan Arcona, had shot Trenkyp's information gatherer. Another blaster bolt was shot by the Chiss, this time towards Trenkyp's head. He easily dodged it, as it was fired from a distance and the Jedi saw it coming.

"WHO ARE YOU?" the Kel Dor yelled at the Chiss.

"You don't have to worry about me. I just killed him for the better of Clan Arcona."

Trenkyp grabbed his Vibroblade and Vibrosword in both hands and started running towards Rhylance. The Loyalist put his blaster on his belt and grabbed a scalpel covered in inhibiting poison. The Jedi swung both of his blades at the Field Medic, which left an opening for Rhylance to strike. The Force told the Kel Dor to dodge, which he did, but not fast enough. Trenkyp was scraped by the blade on his right arm, leaving a little poison inside it. The Kel Dor was feeling a little numb around the wound and it was spreading. He backed away a few steps, put his Vibroblade and Vibrosword away and took a little box from the inside of his robes. Rhylance started walking towards Trenkyp with another scalpel covered in debilitating poison in his right hand. The Jedi reached out to the Force, focused for a moment and shoved The Loyalist away, making him fall on his back. The Defender grabbed one of the injectors and injected the antidote next to his wound.

The Defender quickly healed his small cut by accelerating the healing process with energy from the Force. The Chiss got back on his feet and took his blaster to fire at Trenkyp. The Kel Dor called upon the Force to stop the bolts, making them hit an invisible wall.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 February, 2020 3:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You set up a reason to fight. You also had excellent grammar. It's clear you had an idea of where you wanted to go, and what you wanted to do, keep it up.

Can Be Improved


Ambiance: you’re on Nar Shaddaa, describe where you are, how Trenkyp reacts. He’s a Jedi, this place is rife with corruption, etc, etc, something to show that he’s a person.
Much like your recent Co-Op with Appius, you do a lot of telling but not a lot of showing. Also no transitions. Suddenly weapons are in hand; did Trenkyp draw them from their sheathes, did he have his swords out while talking to the Rodian? When did Rhylance draw his blaster after being tossed to the ground?
The reasoning behind actions, much like the transitions, would be nice. Why would a man armed with a blaster put it away when someone with a pair of non-deflective blades comes rushing at him? It staggers believability.
And finally, flow, you started combat, good, then you put it on pause to inject an antidote. The entire poison scene could have been turned into something great, Trenkyp dealing with the effects and trying to stand his ground, etc, instead, you stopped combat cold and threw it all out the window.

“How do I always end up in these positions,” Rhylance asked himself.

The Chiss had been asked by his Consul and romantic partner to dispose of a security threat to their great clan. A Rodian named Vrak Zu had gotten his hands on sensitive information that could prove disastrous for the Shadow Port, Port O’val. His association with the bounty hunter Clan, Vizsla, had Lucine Vasano on edge. Rhylance, as she knew, had his holdings on Nar Shaddaa, and was quite familiar with the peoples and landscapes.

Of course, when she appealed to his desire for new subjects for his experiments, he took the job, with reservations. Killing the informant had been simple enough. The hiccup was now a Vizslan Kel Dor was after him.

Rhylance watched as the Jedi dropped his hand, the barrier he protected himself with dissipating. Force users and their overreliance on the Force to protect them was an annoyance to the Chiss scientist. He was not effective in a head to head conflict, but perhaps it was time to use his various experiences on Nar Shaddaa to his benefit.

“There truly is no need for us to fight. If you would only put away your weapons, the both of us could go our separate ways,” Rhylance stated to the Jedi as he planned out his next move. Using a Kel Dor for his experiments would be most rewarding, but that blasted mask they needed made his favorite toxin ineffective as a weapon. But as a distraction…

“You wish to walk away. But you not only ruined my mission, you killed my friend. I will take you in for that.”

“You may indeed try.” As they were speaking, Rhylance slid his left hand into his jacket and grasped his vial of fear toxin. He threw the bottle at his opponent, who’s connection to the Force warned him of the incoming danger. Pulling out his lightsaber and igniting the blue blade, he protected his face from the glass vial. Upon meeting the plasma blade, the liquid inside ignited. A small explosion of flames flashed in the Kel Dor’s front, making him close his eyes, and gas was expelled in a light cloud around the Vizslan Jedi.

Rhylance took this moment to turn tail and run. He knew the Force User would probably be able to track his movements after centering himself, so the Chiss hid within the many stores of the Nar Shaddaa street. Looking over his options, he found a store with plenty of reflective surfaces and grinned as the light gleamed against his spectacles.

Trenkyp was glad to be wearing his much-needed breathing apparatus. He didn’t know what was in that smoke, but he was happy not to find out. The distraction had worked though, and the Kel Dor had lost sight of the Chiss. He assumed the Proconsul had ducked down a side alley, and he couldn’t let him get away. If he did, then his Rodian informant would have died for nothing. The Jedi couldn’t let that stand. Deactivating his lightsaber, he stretched out into the Force. After some time, he managed to catch a reading on the Chiss’s presence.

“Now, you’re mine.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 February, 2020 3:50 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Excellent background information, why Rhylance is there, why he's taking certain actions. Explaining what he's doing and where items/weapons are coming from

Can Be Improved


Ol'val, not O'val, shaaaaame on you. Unfortunate that you got a Judge that knew.
Consistency, you use Force user and Force User in this post.

Trenkyp was walking down the alley Rhylance had ran through after he had hidden. The Jedi sensed the Chiss nearby and tried to talk him into surrender.

"I've heard of you, Rhylance. You're a good medic from what I've heard. It would be a shame to die at the hands of a Jedi. Surrender and you will be spared. By me, at least," Trenkyp yelled through the alley. He wanted to kill Rhylance but he knew that would have to deal with a Clan on him afterwards so he decided to "arrest" him.

Trenkyp walked past Rhylance's hiding spot. The Loyalist took out his Sith Dagger and walked towards the Defender, with the dagger pointed at the back of the Kel Dor's head.

"You're going come with me. Or you lose your head."

"Oh, please. You can't even run from me."

Trenkyp sensed the Sith Dagger at his back. He looked for things he could use to hit the Chiss. The Kel Dor then found a metallic droid part, reached out with his hand and focused for a moment on it, preparing his mind. The part flew quickly towards Rhylance's left hand, hitting it and making him drop the dagger.

The Field Medic grunted in pain and took out one of his scalpels. He swung it at the Defender to paralyse him. The Force told the Jedi to duck, Trenkyp letting himself guided by it. The Loyalist swung back, giving the Kel Dor no time to react and hitting him in the head with the knife's hilt.

As Trenkyp was distracted by the pain, Rhylance ran the other way. Trenkyp focused on the pain and, as he saw the Chiss run away, he took out one of his throwing knives and launched it at his right leg. The Proconsul was hit and couldn't walk anymore as he fell to the ground. The nearby citizens and bounty hunters ignored the blood on the pavement left by Rhylance's wound. The Loyalist took all of his weapons and threw them to the ground.

"You're a Jedi. You can't kill an unarmed man," said Rhylance trying to hide his pain.

"That's true. But I can bring you to House Wren. They will decide what to do with you. Being a Proconsul probably won't help, Kano will love to meet you. May the Force have mercy on you because Kano will not. If you're lucky you'll have both eyes by the time he's done," Trenkyp said to the Chiss before he knocked him out with his punch.

The Kel Dor carried Rhylance to a ship he rented and put him in the ship's medical bay to keep him sleeping before taking off to Zsoldos.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 February, 2020 3:51 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a clear ending, even if it had issues. Your descriptions of Precog are improving, keep up that level of detail on other things!

Can Be Improved


First, you took a Major Continuity hit here for ignoring Rhylance's post, in which the Chiss hid inside a store, not an alleyways. Read posts more carefully.

"You're going come with me. Or you lose your head."

Missing a 'to' in there.
You took a Minor Realism hit for the TK use of throwing the droid part, as TK +2 is 'concentration while not under duress', having a dagger to your head, held by a man who in his own post states his familiarity with Force Users and is Perceptive enough to have noticed, is 'duress'.
Your second Minor Realism hit came from knocking out Rhylance with one punch, with the skill points involved it just didn't add up, and why did Rhylance not fight back at all?

Finally, again, Show, Don’t Tell. You simply say 'he took a knife to the leg and can't walk' not anything about where the knife hit him in said leg, why he can't stand, why he doesn't fight back, etc, this is the stuff that MAKES a Story.

Trenkyp followed his senses and walked the path towards a few storefronts. The busy movements of the bystanders around him were of little concern to the focused Jedi. He didn’t even notice the child who swiped several credits off of him. The dirty streets of Nar Shaddaa were not friendly.

Approaching the storefronts, Trenkyp looked between them. He wasn’t positive which one he should enter, but the slightest sensation pointed his way. He could see a droid shopkeeper standing at the counter through the window and decided to trust his gut instinct.

Upon entering the shop, two blaster bolts whizzed by his head, neither hitting him. The Kel Dor was instantly on the defensive, reactivating his lightsaber.

“Please refrain from violence in this establishment.” the mechanical voice of the shopkeeper resounded in the store. Tren looked around the building, the many shelving units, and displays a perfect cover for one trying to hide.

“I know you’re in here, Chiss. Make it easy on yourself and turn yourself over to me. Vizsla will want to speak with you.” Trenkyp was direct with his words. He didn’t have the time or patience to draw this out.

No response came to him as he decided to start hunting the Arconan. Carefully he walked to the edge of a shelving unit and looked around the corner. There was nothing there. As the Kel Dor turned the corner, sneaking alongside the other side of the unit, his feet dragged against and scuffed the durasteel flooring of the store. Another set of blaster bolts impacted the ceiling above his head.

“Please refrain from violence in this establishment,” again the droid spoke up, his mechanical voice firmer in tone.

Trenkyp stayed low after the last shots. The Kel Dor didn’t know where the shots were coming from, only that they were following his movements. Taking a moment, he looked around the shop. His eyes were drawn to scorch Mark’s on the surface of the pristine reflective plates on the walls.

“He’s bouncing the shots, “ the Vizslan thought to himself. It became clear that this opponent could precisely follow him wherever he went in this building. The Chiss, heard him moving and knew where he was. It was then he knew he wasn’t the hunter here.

“I will offer you this one chance, Kel Dor. Put your weapon aside and allow me to leave. I will not harm you. I will be on my way, and you may go about your day,” Rhylance spoke with sincerity in his voice. He had no reason to lie for the time being and had far more critical work that required his attention.

“You kill my contact and expect me just to let you leave?” the Vizslan was perplexed by the ridiculous request.

“Yes. I expect you to value your life. Do not be an idiot.” His voice was close. Too close for comfort.

The confidence in the Chiss’s voice was infuriating. Trenkyp found it challenging to maintain control of his emotions. His training was not yet complete.

“The only idiot is you if you think I’ll trust anything you say. Now I’m taking you in!” Tren rushed to the end of the barricade and readied his saber.

As he broke past the edge, four shots were fired. He allowed the Force to guide his actions as he deflected three of the bolts away. The fourth wasn’t aimed at him. Instead, it erupted against the light fixture above his head. The wire holding the metal structure snapped, allowing gravity to take over. The Kel Dor was not ready for the splitting pain in his scalp as the sharp fixture cut into him, and bashed against his head.

Dropping to the ground under the weight of the metal device, Trenkyp lost hold of his lightsaber. His head was bleeding and his ears rang.

“Please refrain from violence in the establishment.”

Rhylance approached the downed form of the Kel Dor. Setting his blaster for stun, he fired the blue projected rings into the Vizslan’s chest, knocking him out cold. The Chiss reset his blaster and began to put it away.

“You have now been warned three times, I am alerting sec…” the droid dropped to the durasteel floor as a final blaster bolt caught it between its lit-up eyes. Rhylance sighed before reholstering the weapon. He took out a small chip with information for reimbursement of the shop’s owner and set it on the counter. He turned back to the unconscious Kel Dor.

“I told you I had no quarrel with you. Luckily for you, I do have other matters requiring my attention. But I would be remiss if I did not take something for my research.”

Walking back over to the Vizslan’s body, he knelt and grabbed his dagger. Making a fine incision in the Kel Dor’s arm, he drained a few vials of blood before patching up the wound. With a smirk on his face, the Arconan Proconsul left the shop. He had a red-head to see.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 February, 2020 3:56 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Amusing usage of the Trick Shot feat. A clean and concise ending, cute way to overwhelm Precog as well.

Can Be Improved


His eyes were drawn to scorch Mark’s on the surface

Do I even need to tell you what you did?