Nar Shaddaa, a cesspool of a moon inside Hutt controlled territory. Scoundrels, bounty hunters and anyone looking to disappear, could discover a utopian playground to easily lose themselves within it’s underbelly. Well, fairly easily for some. To the not so skillfully trained pursuer, one could hideout long enough amongst that wretchedness and garner themselves a ride off the moon. Leaving any would be pursuers high and dry, clueless of their target’s whereabouts.
Now to the trained eye, that same task can be a bit more difficult for the prey. Tonight would be nothing but bad karma for anyone designated as the prey. Currently, one formidable hunter was in pursuit of one Collective Technocratic Guild Huntress. This Collective agent seemingly “walked” away with Clan Naga Sadow's military locales within the Orian sector. On this evening however, under the veil of the blackened sky, Battlelord Takagari “DarkHawk” KogaRyu traversed the rooftops of the club district without any assistive equipment, stealthily moving expeditiously from rooftop to rooftop. The Shaevalian masking himself briefly within the shadows, watching his target move through the streets over his helm’s HUD, thanks to the help of the Quaestor’s Viper Probot “VP” streaming real-time surveillance of the Kiffar woman.
VP moved in predatory increments as it stalked the Huntress. Staying high enough above the streets and purposely keeping itself shrouded within the shadows. The probe droid, for the moment drew no attention to itself. The Huntress moved easily through the streets, pushing through the crowd without drawing attention to herself. Technocrat Huntress’s are known as notorious assassins, this one was no different. Ever so vigilant, always assessing her surroundings. The Huntress did not have to look towards the night sky to catch a glimpse of her mechanical stalker. The flashing neon lights of the club district inadvertently cast VP’s shadow across the street. The tunic of her red Nightsisters robe flowed in the night wind as she picked up her pace. The tunic suddenly snapping violently with an audible “POP” as the Kiffar veered hard a right into one of the many back allies of the district.
The Battlelord caught the sudden movement of the Huntress, “Damn! We’ve been made VP…” DarkHawk said into his comlink. Without hesitation the Questor sprinted off in the direction of the Huntress, hoping his prey was not lost.
Meanwhile…
Mystic Xolarin watched as the Huntress darted from the street and into an alley. Xolarin, also on the hunt for the Collective asset, had tracked the Huntress’s arrival to Nar Shaddaa a few hours ago. Unaware that the same contract was commissioned to his brethren, inevitably putting their paths on the same collision course. Before beginning his pursuit, Xolarin watched a blacked out probe droid racing above the streets in the direction of the Huntress.
“Great...competition,” the Mystic said to himself. Nar Shaddaa does not welcome Force users, especially those of the Brotherhood. Not to mention this chase was closing in on Grakkus the Hut’s immediate backyard. “She is a shrewd one. Lead the wolves to the den and let the pack do your dirty work. The last thing I need is for this to reach the attention of the Huts,” he thought to himself. Xolarin lost sight of the probe droid, although the Markosian caught a subtle movement slithering through the shadows. Witnessing a wraith leap into the alley from the rooftops, Xolarin could not ignore the familiar presence the Force had brought to his attention.
“DarkHawk..?” he said to himself
The Mystic raced towards the alley, a plume of light grey vapors wafted out from the alleyway and drifted up into the night sky. Xolarin skidded to a stop before entering the alley. The mist was quickly dissipating, Xolarin however, could detect a faint sweet aroma coming from the vapors. The probe droid he spotted earlier, raced passed the Mystic and raised itself high above the street again. A silhouette of another figure could be seen breaking through the dissolving mist. Xolarin had little problem recognizing the Dakhani Quaestor, immediately identifying the state of confusion his friend exhibited.
DarkHawk stumbled to his knees, nearly falling face first into the litter ridden alley. Now, the pungent smell of urine and vomit became overwhelmingly present as the Mystic began to step towards his collegue. “Stay back...Dream...Dreamdust,” DarkHawk struggled to speak.
“Great...there goes the neighborhood.” Xolarin said sarcastically.
DarkHawk struggled with his thoughts, confusion set in. The streets melted around him, what was previously tangible, now dripped like wet paint. Xolarin was three meters away at the alley’s entrance, and DarkHawk could not identify his distorted figure . The hallucinogenic properties of the Dreamdust had taken hold of the Equite. Xolarin was no longer Xolarin, standing before the Shaevalian was none other than the Huntress he was commissioned to eliminate. DarkHawk’s vision distorted, in and out of focus until he could clearly recognize the Huntress before him. Nightsister bow drawn and plasma arrowed nocked, the small grin across her face. DarkHawk immediately unsheathed his two piece electro-staff and stampeded towards what he thought was the Huntress. Wielding his weapon in each hand, the electric energy crackled from the staff's electrode discharging it's yellow flickering pulses. The electromagnetic generator fizzed and crackled, moisture hissed and popped making contact brought vibrant, teeming sensation to the air within the alley.
Xolarin, taken back at the sight of his friend lunging at him in a berserker rage. The Mystic’s precognition allowed him to successfully dodge the first attack from the stampeding Battlelord. Xolarin tightly crouched his body under the wide arching attack, and continued to reposition his body away from the incoming blow. Acknowledging his strike was ill timed and off target, DarkHawk went directly into a forward roll. Coming out of the roll, the Battlelord lashed out with a backhand strike attempting to plant the business end of the staff into Xolarin’s exposed right flank. Xolarin was able to deflect the brunt of the blow with the Inquisitorius Stiletto he carried. The force behind the blow still sent the Mystic into an alley wall with a deep thud, causing Xolarin to collapse to his knees. He winced in pain as the martial exchange resonated through his entire body.
“Alright DH, we can do this your way…” Xolarin said through gritted teeth.
Positive Takeaways
While it looked like you were setting things up to be a competition between the two Sadowans, you twisted it into a different narrative, which was different and fresh. You had a lot of description and focused heavily on the setting, nicely done.
Can Be Improved
Consistency. One moment your droid is 'shrouded in shadows' and 'high above', the next its casting shadows and getting spotted.
On Syntax, you had a few minor errors. These were simple things like commas, or the its vs it's issue (its being the proper form for denoting possession, rather than it's as you used through most of your post). You also modified dialogue and ended it with a period rather than a comma, to denote that what came after was referencing what came before:
Clarity, you had some confusing things going on here that bugged me.
I can honestly say I have no idea what this meant, or how clothing could make this noise, or what its purpose was.
You also had some wording issues that didn't hurt your syntax as they weren't technically errors ('Nar Shadda does not welcome Force users versus did not, sticking with the past tense that the rest of the story was written in), but they did take me out of the Story a bit. Another example of awkwardness:
This was lacking either something as simple as 'As' at the very start, or 'wafted' into 'wafting' to fix the incredible awkwardness of the sentence.
Finally, not even 1/4th of this post involved fighting, which did impact your Story score as it lacked much in the way of conflict. Shoot for at least half of your post involving action of some kind!