Privateer Jon Silvon vs. Neophyte Tassk Adroc

Privateer Jon Silvon

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Mercenary, Director, Mandalorian
vs.

Neophyte Tassk Adroc

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togorian, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

General Comments

Overall, this was a good showing from both writers, particularly with Tassk being a first-time ACC participant. I enjoyed both of your posts, but ultimately, the battle went to Tassk for his more immersive story.

One thing I’ve noticed both combatants doing in this battle is treating Jon and Tassk as being nearly on par in terms of swordplay skills, despite Jon’s character sheet showing Bladed Weapons +4 and Tassk’s showing Bladed Weapons +1. If it were a case of Jon using swords against Tassk’s lightsaber, depicting them as roughly evenly matched would be far more accurate. However, for ACC purposes, lightsaber skills don’t translate to sword skills. That doesn’t mean the two characters can’t fight on even terms, but it does mean that you have to explain the discrepancy if you want to avoid a Realism hit.

Congratulations to both participants on a battle well fought, and my apologies for the delay in getting it graded. I look forward to seeing more from both of you!

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Privateer Jon Silvon, Neophyte Tassk Adroc
Winner Neophyte Tassk Adroc
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Privateer Jon Silvon's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Neophyte Tassk Adroc's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 5 July, 2020 5:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Raider Jon Silvon Tassk Adroc
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Significant number of minor errors. Rationale: A few minor errors.
Story - 40%
Raider Jon Silvon Tassk Adroc
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: A solid, if typical, story for an ACC battle. The characterisation was strong enough to distinguish the characters from each other, but somewhat superficial. Rationale: Although following along with Jon’s premise, Tassk’s characterisation went significantly deeper and made for a more immersive experience.
Realism - 25%
Raider Jon Silvon Tassk Adroc
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: One error in the first post related to skills; see the comments. Rationale: A few issues scattered throughout the battle.
Continuity - 20%
Raider Jon Silvon Tassk Adroc
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One issue in your final post; see the comments there. Rationale: One issue in your second post; see the comments there.
Raider Jon Silvon's Score: 3.45 Tassk Adroc's Score: 3.75
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers hoping to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

“A training match, eh?” Jon looked at the togorian appraisingly from beneath the brim of his hat. “Not the kind of request I normally get from a Force-user. What brought this on?”

The two of them had just completed a mission on Felucia. Rumors were circulating that the Collective was building a base hidden in the massive Rancor Graveyard - false, of course. The base was nothing more than tech-smugglers, not worth dealing with. Jon was a bit caught off guard when the Neophyte propositioned him for some impromptu lessons, but he didn’t let it show.

“I want to test my skills,” Tassk replied immediately. “Aura and the Jedi can teach me plenty about the Force, even about lightsabers, but-”

“But, you want to learn more about swordplay, is that it?” Jon smirked.

“I want to see what my limits are,” Tassk said with a snarl. “And everybody says you’re the best non-Force using swordsman in the Clan.”

“If that was your attempt at flattery,” Jon said, leaning back against the bone of some great animal, “It was painfully heavy handed and dull.”

“Is that a ‘no’ then -”

Tassk started as he found a pair of white and black swords at his throat. The togorian leaped back, drawing his own vibroblades as he did.

“What the krayth Silvon?” he demanded, but the captain was already on him, a blur of black, white, and red. The togorian was pushed back, step by step, countering the cuts and slashes, but never quickly enough to counterstrike before the next attack was incoming.

Tassk tried to side step, and get a strike in from the side, but Jon spun one of his swords around into a reverse grip, and deflected it with an uppercut; Tassk was forced to retreat to avoid the countercut aimed at his head.

“Come on,” Jon snarked, “Where’s that skill with the blade I’ve heard so much about?” Jon parried one strike, and spun around to deliver a devastating blow. His cape trailed behind him like a blood-red river. “‘Cause so far, I am not impressed!”

Tassk grit his teeth, as his swords locked with Jon’s, the mercenary’s face in an infuriating smirk. Fine, Task thought. You wanna be impressed?

Tassk dropped the blades mid-lock, and Jon had just a second to looked surprised before being blasted with bright-green lightning from the togorian’s fingertips. As the captain stumbled backwards, Tassk telekinetically called his swords back into his hands, and went on the offensive.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:35 PM UTC

What Went Well

All in all, not a bad opening. The premise is plausible, the characterisation is solid, and the combat is both prevalent and plentiful enough to show that a fight’s happening.

Room for Growth

A few minor syntax issues with things like capitalisation and punctuation. The one semicolon you used was probably better off as a period, since the sentences it’s separating aren’t really “closely related”.

Realism-wise, I addressed my concern with showing Jon and Tassk as evenly matched in sword skills in the general comments. Since I don’t see any of the explanation I described here, that’s a Realism detractor.

Suggestions

Proofreading will help catch the syntax errors. On the realism front, either show a more dramatic difference in the characters’ skills, or explain why said dramatic difference doesn’t matter.

As his emotions overcame his sense of fair play, Tassk tapped into the palpable dark energy all around him. He lowered himself into a predatory stance and let the Force flow throughout his body augmenting his muscles. Jon leaped to his feet and spun away, with an amused look upon his face.

“Well, you can certainly put on a lightshow, but your swordplay needs work,” Jon said.

“Sorry for the disappointment, Jon. Should I up the voltage next time?” asked Tassk, angry sarcasm in his voice.

Impatient, Tassk lunged forward with lightning speed, sending a barrage of attacks at Jon from numerous angles. Silvon was quickly on the defensive, but once again proved his prowess, blocking the strikes. Their feet moving in an elegant dance, both duelists were kicking up dust with their powerful steps. Cautious, Tassk spun away onto his back foot, disengaging just as quickly as he had launched his attack.

“Has it ever occurred to you to maybe not goad your opponents that draw on their emotions?” asked an angered Tassk. This is getting out of hand. If I stick to a straight up duel, I’m going to get diced more ways than a porg on a chopping block.

“I’ll poke the rancor as I much as I want if it can’t do a thing to me.” Jon’s face was a mask of complete confidence, but he was already planning his next fifteen moves. He wasn’t sure what to expect going into the fight, and still wasn’t sure where this was going to go.

Both duelists looked into each other’s eyes, searching for a hint at their opponent’s next move. Sensing an incoming offensive, Tassk’s eyes narrowed, and he slashed downward towards the ground at the same moment Jon lunged forward. Before Silvon could strike, Tassk’s blades connected with the ground at his feet, striking with all his strength. A plume of dirt shot up into Jon’s face, just as Tassk darted toward his side.

With Jon stunned for a heartbeat, Tassk began sprinting away. As Jon recovered, he saw Tassk’s bright orange fur, contrasting against the bleak landscape as the Togorian ducked behind the skull of a long dead beast.

Jon narrowed his eyes as he thought through numerous scenarios. Smart, Jon thought. Tassk’s approach was interesting, and Jon strode forward, eyes flickering over the landscape for the telltale orange of Tassk’s fur.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:35 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your use of descriptive language is great—the combat is vivid without being bogged down. I also like how you’ve given us a deeper window into Tassk’s mind while describing the events of the battle.

In particular, I like that you referred to using Tassk’s Force-amplified speed to overcome Jon’s skill with a blade. That’s the sort of explanation I meant in the general comments.

Room for Growth

First, don’t be discouraged that this section is longer than the one about what you did well, because it doesn’t mean that you did a lot of things wrong. It’s just that the more finicky rules of the ACC take a lot of explaining.

First, on the Realism front, Jon wrote Tassk hitting him with Force Lightning at the end of his first post. At the beginning of your post, you had Jon darting away from Tassk’s attacks seemingly uninjured, despite having been hit with Force Lightning. In cases like this, where an attack lands at the end of a post and the other writer doesn’t specify how much damage it caused, you have both the opportunity and the responsibility to describe what kind of damage the attack inflicted. Since it’s not realistic for someone to be hit by Force Lightning and have nothing happen, that goes in as a Realism detractor for this post.

Second, at one point you describe Jon as “planning his next fifteen moves”, but in the next sentence you say he “wasn’t sure where this was going to go”. It seems really weird that Jon could both have enough of an idea of how the battle would progress to be able to “plan” fifteen moves ahead, and not know what was going to happen next. You didn’t get a detractor for this, since it didn’t affect how the battle played out, but it would’ve fit better if you’d phrased it differently.

Third, the part where Tassk intercepts Jon’s attack by striking the dirt. The imagery is dramatically appropriate for this kind of battle. The way you described it is right on the edge of what I’d consider realistic for having Precognition at +2, which lets you avoid attacks but doesn’t really cover simultaneously pre-empting them (that starts at +3). The other thing that struck me as odd was the amount of dirt Tassk kicked up with that strike. Jon’s almost two metres tall. Plumes of dirt that tall normally come from explosives or high-powered firearms. Tassk might be stronger than Jon, but short of using the Force to augment his strength, he’s not quite that strong. Since Tassk relied on that burst of dirt to stop Jon from hitting him (and it had an impact on the way the battle progressed as a result), I’m marking that down as a minor Realism detractor.

Suggestions

You’ve clearly got the broader elements of writing down, so focus on the specific ACC quirks. Read the power and skill descriptions in the CS Guide on the DJB Wiki, and think about how you can describe events that are both cool and fit within the rules laid out in the ACC Guide and Rubric.

Sheathing Kanshou and Bakuya for now, Jon instead drew a bevy of knives, holding them at the ready. He considered, briefly, arming his vambraces. He decided against that idea right off the bat, though.

Tassk wanted a lesson in blades, right? he thought, wandering through the field of bones and rocks. Didn’t say what kind of blades though.

“Taask,” Jon called out in a sing-songy voice, eyes scanning the bones around him. “Come out to play!”

Jon knew from experience, of the painful variety, that trying to sneak up on a Force-wielder was an exercise in futility if you didn’t have it yourself. As such, he didn’t bother trying to be stealthy as he strolled through the graveyard, tossing one of his knives in the air and catching it repeatedly, whistling to himself all the while.

Sooner or later, he knew, the cat would come to him.

He wandered in a clearing, the colossal ribs and fallen spines forming a kind of rising circle. It almost looked like some kind of crude arena, or gladiator pit.

A crack, the sound of something snapping, and Jon turned and tossed a fan of knives. Tassk bolted out of the way, and the knives buried themselves in a massive femur with a series of thunks.

“Here kitty, kitty!” Jon called, throwing more knives at the fleeing Togorian. “Come out and play!”

He heard Tassk hissing in annoyance, but the cat never once looked to him as he swung on a fallen rib, and kept to a spinal cord that he climbed like some kind of tower, before vanishing again into the maze of bones.

Jon sighed. “Ok, Tassk, the cat and mouse thing,” heh, “was fun for a bit, but it’s getting old! Come on out so we can finish this!”

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:36 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your post kept the battle flowing, and there was some nice characterisation while Jon hunted for Tassk.

Room for Growth

Aside from a couple of typos (or possibly autocorrect issues, since one of them was “Tassk” to “Tasks”), the biggest concern I have is that not much happened in this post. On the bright side, that means there isn’t much to critique.

Suggestions

Proofread, and uh… do more things.

Tassk heard Jon’s taunts and Grimaced. Just you wait. Tassk crouched down behind a bone and made himself take a deep breath, focusing and calming his emotions. Jon was trying to play with his mind, and he couldn’t afford to let his emotions cloud his judgement right now. He had tried that before, and he just ended up here, hiding behind some oversized bone.

With his mind set back on track, he closed his eyes and tapped into the Force, feeling around him, and his confidence grew from what he saw. Perfect. All he felt from Jon was a growing sense of annoyance, and a shrinking sense of caution.

Tassk flattened himself towards the ground as he heard the not so clandestine footsteps of the brazen privateer. Carefully, Tassk rose up from the ground and extended his mind towards the large rib bone he had recently become closely acquainted with. Using his hands as a focus, he began lifting the bone. Beads of sweat formed on his face, adding another layer of filth to his fur. Breaths of heavy exertion were coming from Tassk, and were not ignored by Jon. As the mercenary spun around blades in hand, Tassk sent the bone flying toward him. Jon had plenty of time to dodge the bone after his early warning, but he didn’t have time to dodge what was next.

Tassk drew in the extra energy he hadn’t used on the bone and put it to good use in his muscles. The Togorian dug his hind legs into the ground and shot off like a proton torpedo aimed locked on to Silvon. Tassk was quick to reach Jon who was mid whirl with his cape fanning out behind him, a scarlet tornado colliding with an orange tidal wave of force.

Four blades were coming at each other with a head on collision inevitable. Tassk’s power strike knocked away Jon’s blades with him narrowly recovering. Tassk was hitting hard, and his strikes were increasing, going faster and faster. Soon, the towering Togorian was in a rhythm lethal efficiency. Silvon stood strong, but the scales had tipped from their previous battles. A cry of determination came from the aggressive Force disciple as he stuck with both blades simultaneously focused on Silvon’s chest. Once, twice, thrice, then Tassk abruptly lunged toward Jon’s legs. The sudden strike hit its mark, but not deep enough to sever any limbs.

Lunging away, Jon fell to a knee, clutching the wound. “How’s that for swordplay, Silvon?” asked Tassk, taking in his moment of victory. Tassk stood watching, panting heavily, exhausted from the surge of energy he had executed mere moments before.

“What, cat got your tongue, Jon?” asked Tassk. He took in every little detail, down to the metallic scent of blood, the stinging in his eyes from the sand, and the shiny bit in Jon’s hand. Wait, shiny? Tassk’s eyes widened as a barrage of knives came hurtling toward him. Tassk rolled to the side, but not fast enough. Two silver daggers sprouted from the orange fur of Tassk’s shin, accompanied by a gush of blood.

“Getting ahead of ourselves, now aren’t we, Tassk?” asked Jon as Tassk slowly and painfully rose to his feet.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:37 PM UTC

What Went Well

Again, your descriptive language and storytelling are strong here. I like your use of Sense reflecting Jon’s changing feelings at the end of his post. You also wrote Tassk’s use of Telekinesis very well, in both the application of the power and the fact that it strained him significantly to do so.

Room for Growth

You had a couple of syntax blips (extra capitals, and I think you intended to put an “of” in “rhythm of lethal efficiency”), but nothing that took away from the flow of the story. My main concerns are both on the Realism front.

First, the use of Amplification immediately after the use of Telekinesis. The ACC Guide says that there are upper limits to how intensely/often a Force-user can actually use the Force over the course of a battle. There isn’t a strict formula for how many times you can use a given power or powers, but there are a couple of guidelines: “advanced” powers are more draining than “basic” powers, and powers are more draining when you have fewer ranks in them than when you have more ranks in them.

By this point in the battle, Tassk has used Force Lightning (an “advanced power” that’s noted as being draining in its description in the CS Guide) in Jon’s first post, Amplification at least once in your first post (possibly more, depending on how long Tassk needed to maintain it), and now he’s just used Telekinesis in a way that’s right on the edge of his capabilities (which you depicted very well). You’d think he would be mentally exhausted after that, but he still has enough focus and Force energy to immediately use Augmentation again and charge into battle with Jon, quickly enough to catch Jon off-guard. The wording of your post is fuzzy enough that it’s not impossible for it to have happened that way, but you’ll want to keep that in mind in the future.

Second, Tassk didn’t sense Jon’s throwing-knife attack before physically seeing the knife in Jon’s hand. Given that Tassk was able to sense Jon’s attack earlier in the battle, it seems odd that he can’t do so now. Without any explanation of why that’s the case, that’s a Continuity detractor.

Suggestions

As in your first post, you’ve got the general writing aspects down. It’s just a matter of learning the specifics of the ACC, which you can do through reading and experience.

Jon flicked a button on one of his cuffs, triggering his suit’s bacta injector, sighing in relief when he felt the blistering pain fade to only a dull ache. It wasn’t enough to completely heal the wound Tassk had inflicted on his leg, not completely anyway, but it was enough, at least, to let him walk. More importantly, it was enough to let him fight.

“Next lesson,” Jon said, raising Kanshour and Bakuya, “Keeping focused while trying not to bleed out. Study closely.”

Tassk bolted back to his feet, just in time to meet the captain’s renewed barrage of cuts and slashes. For a man with several knives sticking out of him, Jon noted, he was holding up impressively well; still, it was obvious he was favoring the right side, now that the left was all cut up.

Jon took advantage of the weakness, focusing his strikes specifically on the left side, forcing Tassk to adapt to defending himself there. At one point, Jon tried a kick to the togorrian’s ribs, just to see what kind of a reaction he’d get; he wasn’t disappointed when Tassk blocked it, and turned the block into a hold, pushing the blade of his sword against the mercenary’s neck.

Jon grinned. Creative. Not just defending himself, but looking for an opening. He quietly flicked a switch on his left vambrace, triggering the repulsor built into it. A ring of white light belted out, forcing Tassk to stumble back. Jon swept his feet out from under him, and watched his opponent land once more on the ground.

“Thought... this was a… a sword fighting lesson,” Tasks said between breaths, glaring up at his impromptu teacher.

“Didn’t stop you from using the Force, now did it? Never assume you’re opponent is going to stick to one trick, Kitty Cat. And absolutely never do that yourself.” Jon planted the blade of Kanshou into the ground, leaving on it like a cane as he bent down to look Tassk in the eye. “The galaxy is not going to play fair with you. Lesson one: return the favor.”

Jon was flippant, but he wouldn’t say he wasn’t impressed. Well, he wouldn’t say it to Tassk obviously, but still. The young one had shown creativity, as well as determination, to say nothing of skill and experience.

The captain reached out a hand to help the fallen neophyte to his feet. Tassk reached out a hand… and Jon leaped back just in time to avoid the glinting knife swiping for him.

Jon’s eyes widened. Tassk had pulled one of the knives sticking from his own side to use as a weapons?

“Return the favor,” Tassk said, brandishing his own sword in one hand, and Jon’s knife in the other. “Right?”

Jon’s grin grew even wider. Oh, this kid was fun.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:38 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your characterisation is strong, and you kept the post moving. I liked the back-and-forth between Jon and Tassk during the “pause” in the battle.

Room for Growth

You had a handful of syntax issues here, ranging from misspellings (“Kanshour”), to missed capitals (Togorian’s), to mismatching singular and plural (“a weapons”). The part where Jon knocked Tassk back with the repulsor in his gauntlet was slightly confusing; I’m not sure how Jon was able to knock Tassk back enough to stagger him, but still be close enough to sweep Tassk’s legs out from under him. Finally, as cool as it was to see Tassk using Jon’s own knives against him, you picked up a Continuity detractor for not explaining where the sword Tassk had been using went so that Tassk could actually grab one of Jon’s knives. (There are plausible explanations for that, but it’s on you to include those explanations in your post instead of expecting the reader to fill it in for you.)

Suggestions

Proofreading, again, and more attention to detail when you’re writing your posts.

Silvon stood right in front of Tassk, but he seemed so far away. Tassk felt the pain burning in his calf, and his left arm was shaking from exhaustion. He knew there wasn’t much more he could do except fight, and fight he would.

Tassk raised his shoulders, held his head high, and growled slightly as he watched Jon sink back into a more defensive pose. Tassk didn’t have much left in his tank, and Jon’s caution could either signal a similar level of energy, or simply a readiness for Tassk’s assault.

The Togorian shifted his weight forward as his opponent turned away slightly, reaching for his pack. Tassk watched with curiosity. This could be interesting, he thought as Jon put on a black glove.

At this, Tassk almost laughed. “Fashion isn’t going to help you now, Jon.”

“So sure? I thought it rather complimented my cape,” Jon said. Despite all that had transpired the mercenary had a confident smile on his face, but his eyes showed his mind was ready to fight no matter what happened.

Tassk having enough of this lunged forward attempting to stab Jon with the mercenary’s knife. With ease, Silvon struck the knife out of Tassk’s weakened arm and did the unexpected. Dropping the blade in his gloved hand and holding it out, Tassk felt his blade being pulled out of his sluggish arm right into the glove which was now lighting up with glowing blue threads along the knuckles. Dropping his other blade, Jon lunged back and threw a small circular object in the air between them. As a red light lit up on the small sphere, it shot out a tight ring of blue particles and the world went black.

Tassk woke up some time later, his head pounding. He looked around a dimly lit room, and he saw he was back in the ship with his gear laying on the floor nearby. As he got up and moved toward the cockpit, he saw Jon there. Silvon turned around and looked Tassk in the eye and spoke.

“Nice training session. Next time maybe don’t pass out in the middle of it.”

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 19 July, 2020 10:39 PM UTC

What Went Well

Your depiction of Tassk being on his last legs and trying desperately to finish off a harder battle than he expected is immersive and well-written. I also like your depiction of Jon being a joker even in the middle of a fight.

Room for Growth

One more Realism detractor here, this time for the way Jon used his magna-gloves to yoink the knife out of Tassk’s hand. The concept is cool, and you wrote it well, but magna-gloves don’t have a strong enough magnetic field to act as an equivalent to Telekinesis at that distance (and even if they did, it would probably have caught other things first, like the sword Jon was still holding).

Suggestions

If you’re not sure about the limitations of gear, it’s okay to ask Clanmates for advice and use that to shape your writing. (The ACC Staff can also answer certain questions, but we’re limited in how specific we can get to avoid giving members an unfair advantage.)