Perched on top of one of the many summits in the Or’ena mountain range on Kiast, only a few kilometers or so from the new Jedi Praxeum, the Velastari Temple is an old forgotten Vatali Jedi temple surrounded by mountain peaks on all sides. Thin wispy clouds and fog tend to linger around it when not otherwise blown away by the cold mountainous air channeled through the mountains. The hot suns of Kiast shine on this particular peak regularly, forming beautiful rainbows as the light reflects off the metallic surface of the Vatali structure. As a result, despite the temple’s heightened elevation, the Velastari Temple and its surroundings atop the peak are warm enough to not only support green vegetation, such as trees and grass, but also humanoid visitors, who can get by with a variety of layers depending on the season. In addition, the elevation makes the air breathable, the toxic fumes of the planet only residing in the lower atmospheres. Past the peak itself, the ground drops away quickly, forming dangerous ridges that travellers can use to travel from peak to peak.
Occupying a relatively flat portion of land on the summit, the Velastari Temple invokes the Jedi temples of old but with the classic design elements of the Vatali civilization and a few changes to suite the terrain. Hooded Vatali statues flank its entrance, the aged metallic stone having long lost its luster. The atrium of the temple is surrounded by four spiraling pillars and is filled in between with a cacophony of support structures, some of which include landing pads and storage. This once well-organized system of buildings has fallen into disarray, ancient machinery and debris breaking up any direct approach to the main temple itself. Long defunct droids, some partially scavenged, can be found throughout the atrium. As to the spiraling pillars, no one is quite sure if they are structurally sound, but they appear to have been watchtowers and may have possibly at some point served a secondary purpose due to the number of additional rooms within it.
Once one makes it past the atrium, the main temple itself comes into view, towering over the smaller spirals below. Like other ancient Jedi temples, it has many mysteries that will only reveal themselves to Force-users, unlocking portions of the temple one might assume didn’t exist. Its architecture is highly reminiscent of the old Jedi Order, though less grand in scale than its peers. Nevertheless, it has all of the remains of core components one would expect, such as a Jedi Council room, housing, a library, and training rooms. Few enter the temple itself unless undergoing trials and Odan-Urr does it best to preserve the Velastari Temple from further damage. This landmark serves as not only inspiration to the next generation of Jedi but also as a solemn reminder of the Jedi long gone.
What Went Well
You did a great job of putting the reader into Tassk’s head with the level of detail you included in your descriptions. I also enjoyed how you turned Vez’s cynicism into brusqueness on the battlefield, like she was done with the whole endeavour before it even started.
Room for Growth
First and simplest, you had a few grammar oddities that cut into your Syntax score. The first was the use of “said” vs. “spoke” in the sentence starting with, “Tassk stood there with a somewhat confused face…” “Spoke” describes the act of speaking. If you’re referring to the content of someone’s speech, “said” is the correct word to use.
The second issue that earned you a detractor was the run-on sentence starting at, “Tassk wondered about his odd opponent…” There should’ve been a period after “shut down his wandering thoughts”, since the sentence goes from being about Tassk handling his thoughts to being about the thoughts themselves.
The other main issue, with the Story aspect of your post, is that while it was well-written and you had a lot going on, you didn’t quite get as far as actually starting the fight. The Story section of the ACC Rubric states that, “Every post should focus on the appropriate conflict, as specified by the combat hall or ACC event description. It is a detractor when this conflict is absent or minimized…” I often think of the ACC as the “martial arts movies” of Brotherhood fiction, in that while readers often appreciate a well-developed plot and imagery, most people are there for the action. Again, this isn’t a criticism of what you did write—I enjoyed your post, and I think you wrote it well. It’s just that, like in martial arts movies, ACC battles are expected to have the action take centre stage.
Suggestions
Story-wise, make sure to highlight the conflict between the combatants in each of your posts. This doesn’t have to be physical combat—the Rubric specifically uses “conflict” to allow for things like contests of wills (including, say, mental-manipulation Force powers like Illusion or Terror)—but it should emphasise how the characters are at odds with each other.
For Syntax, proofreading and/or reading aloud will help you catch “rhythm” issues like run-on sentences, and may help you notice incorrect word choices like spoke/said; it would probably sound weird for someone to use “spoke” in a conversation.
Another syntax-related suggestion is to start a new paragraph when changing to a new speaker in dialogue, such as the first interaction between Tassk and Vez. Not doing so didn’t earn you a detractor because it isn’t exactly a hard-and-fast grammar rule, but adding the line breaks does make it much easier for the reader to follow a conversation, so I’d encourage you to do so in the future.