Mystic Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Mystic Trenkyp Zkig

Mystic Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
vs.

Mystic Trenkyp Zkig

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Force Disciple, Defender, Mandalorian
Comment

Firstly, thank you both for your participation in the Antei Combat Centre. It was a pleasure reviewing your battle.

Appius. As always, your ability to weave an incredible story comes to the fore. You give the characters life, a presence that cannot be ignored or brushed aside. You do not stop there; you paint the surroundings, the venue, in such a way that your reader easily visualizes it. Effectively, you create a cinematic vision of the scene you are working to develop. Trenkyp, you have the foundations for creating such a narrative. You do a good job writing the characters and combat but lack the detail to make the scene shine. Personality, surroundings, and intensity that make a battle what it is; need to be explored when you are writing your post. You want to keep your reader engaged throughout.

Appius. Make sure you are reading your opponent’s posts thoroughly. Trenkyp plants a weapon at one point, his throwing razor. There is a plan there, and I do love the sneakiness of it that you should have picked up on and made use of in your final post. The character would not have forgotten that he had planted the weapon, so your Continuity took a slight hit.

Trenkyp. I question your character’s ability to take a full-on volley of Force Lightning and still manage to think coherently enough to act. Control Self is at a +1, which means it would take a lot of concentration to push that pain down, negatively impacting your Realism score.

Something you both did that I enjoyed was delving into the relationship between these two characters. You tied their histories in nicely, built on existing nuances and used pre-existing issues to fuel the conflict. This is evident in their actions as much as in their dialogue. These characters know each other well and understand each other, which is made clear from the intro to the ending. Great job.

Overall, it was a great battle.

The winner of this one is Appius! Congratulations! Thank you both again for your participation.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Appius "Zappius" Wight, Mystic Trenkyp Zkig
Winner Mystic Appius "Zappius" Wight
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Interrogation Facility
Last Post 17 September, 2020 2:52 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Minor detractors. Rationale: Minor detractors.
Story - 40%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Power narrative. Rationale: Short on details, fails to keep the reader engaged.
Realism - 25%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing of note. Rationale: Minor detractor. See comments.
Continuity - 20%
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor detractor. See comments. Rationale: Nothing of note.
High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson's Score: 4.65 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.87
Posts

Mustafar Interrogation Facility

Mustafar is a planet steeped in a dark history, acting as a point of interest as far back as the Clone Wars themselves. At one point, the Black Sun constructed their headquarters upon its surface and later on even Darth Vader took up residence within his dark castle. The traces of this history are still found in the form of the remains left behind. Mining facilities are scattered across the lava-surface of the scorching planet, help up with gravity supports that keep them safe from the superheated material below.

Perhaps its most notable history came via a single uttered phrase: Mustafar is where Jedi go to die. The hidden interrogation facility built into the scorched stone is steeped in the dark side, providing a clue to its wicked purpose in a time not so long past. A large, single landing pad acts as the focal point of the structure from the outside. It is connected by a causeway that leads to a security door that has fallen into disuse. The facility itself is still functional, drawing power from the thermal energy of the planet itself.

Once within, one is confronted by the labyrinthine maze of corridors and offices that were clearly designed for a singular purpose. The holding cells are as spartan as any other Imperial construct, providing only a slab protruding from the wall as a bed and nothing more. Barracks can be found near the main control rooms with its shelving in various states of disarray. It is clear with only a glance that scavengers have already picked the inanimate corpse clean of its contents.

However, it is deeper still where the miasma of the dark side truly reaches its zenith. There one will find the interrogation chambers. Wickedly cruel in their singular purpose, stains can still be found caked into the durasteel panels themselves alongside various tools and instruments of the trade plied within.

To walk within Mustafar's Interrogation Facility is to tread through the ghosts of the planet's darkest past. It is a symphony for the wicked and a requiem for the pious.

Mustafar is where Jedi go to die.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the thought from the back of his mind. Neither he nor his master were adherents of the Jedi way any longer, yet that phrase also seemed more like a warning to Trenkyp than anything else.

His heart thundered in his chest and his breathing became harder under the rough atmosphere. Even inside the Mustafar Interrogation Facility, the intense heat of the molten planet tore right through him. It was not a heat he was used to, nor was it something he wished to endure for too long as sweat began to form on his wrinkled brows. It didn't help that the place was steeped in the dark side of the Force, which did nothing to settle his nerves.

Wiping his sweat away with the sleeve of his armor, he felt the presence of another arrive. It was familiar, yet there was something different about it. He could feel it, but he hoped it wasn't true. He hoped that none of it was true.

He quickly paced down the inside corridor until he reached a blast door at the far end. He punched in a code and the two-layer thick door slid open to the outside world of the raging surface. The landing pad was right in front of him, but instead of his own craft by itself, there was now another beside it of a different make and allegiance within the Brotherhood: Clan Taldryan.

A tall, pale-looking Human stood at the edge of the platform, his arms folded across his chest as he gazed into the magma that flowed into the rivers below.

It was him.

Trenkyp cautiously stepped forward and stopped a few feet away, not daring to take another step closer.

"How can something that flows gently one second be so deadly the next?"

The moment the Human uttered those words, lava roared from the flows and rose up to the height of the platform, covering the pair in a vast orange hue before it fell back to the river below. Neither man moved, knowing full well that the deadly substance wouldn't reach them.

The Taldryanite turned his head to meet the Kel Dor's as his amber eyes pierced through the ash and smoke-filled skyline up above before he gave a sly smile.

"Hello, Trenkyp. It's been a while."

"Appius," Trenkyp responded. For a moment the two remained silent, neither uttering a word to the other.

"So, how have you been?" asked the Taldryanite, amused at the now-confused expression plastered on the Kel Dor's face.

"Did you literally invite me here just to talk? Couldn't we have done this over the holonet instead of coming here?" inquired the Defender.

"No, Trenkyp. I did not invite you here just to talk. I heard you reached the rank of the Equites whilst I was gone."

Trenkyp couldn't help but feel a sense of pride overtake him, even if only slightly. Although, as more lava raged around them over the platform, he had to wonder where Appius was going with this.

"I should congratulate you, but I won't. I don't want to."

The Vizsla member didn't know what to think. He was confused, and he subconsciously dug his nails into the palms of his hands as they formed two perfect fists.

"I worked hard to reach this rank, Appius! I used your teachings, your examples! I even led a Battleteam, just like you did. I now follow the way of Mandalore, Mando'a. Roark said…"

"Roark is a di'kut," Appius interrupted. "He doesn't get to decide if you are ready for the Equites. I do. He's not Force-sensitive, I am. I will be the one who decides if you are ready for the higher ranks of the Brotherhood."

"At least Roark was there! Where the hell were you, hut'uun? You left the Brotherhood. What did you expect? You thought they would just wait around for you!? You were gone. You abandoned Vizsla, you abandoned Taldryan, you abandoned the light, and you abandoned me. So what do you have to say for yourself!?"

Trenkyp's answers didn't come in the form of words but by an open palm that summoned a powerful, invisible force that sent him flying off his feet and back into the corridor. He slid across the narrow hallway and came to a stop several metres inside. He rose back up to his feet, and immediately the Force alarmed him of the incoming danger as the sound of a snap-hiss caught his attention. He threw up both his arms as the thrown lightsaber cut and sliced through the interior cables and wires of the hallway. They sparked and flared dangerously close to him, screeching horribly in his ears. Nonetheless, the Force protected him from harm and the deadly weapon seemingly bounced off an invisible wall before arching back towards its wielder.

Appius caught the emerald blade in his right hand before slowly entering the hallway without so much as a second thought to the destruction he had already caused.

"You talk too much," Appius said as he glared back at his fellow Mystic, his amber eyes filled with an anger only one immersed in the dark side could hold.

As if there weren't already enough sparks between them, Trenkyp summoned his own darkness from within his core and proved that he indeed had learned much as Appius' apprentice a single jet of white and blue darted out the tips of his fingers towards the Taldryanite, threatening to cause serious damage if it connected.

The sudden attack caught Appius completely by surprise, and it was only thanks to the Force whispering its warning through his subconsciousness that he was able to defend himself. He moved his blade to intercept the attack, and the lightning dissipated into Appius' lightsaber and faded into nothingness.

"Well done, good to see you've learnt from my example. Now how about I show you the real deal!"

It was like a storm erupted from the Sorcerer's fingertips. Powerful jets of electricity erupted out towards the Kel Dor from the Human's left hand. But Trenkyp was already prepared. He quickly grabbed hold of both Life and Death in his hands as his own jade-coloured lightsabers ruptured into existence to protect him from harm. They formed a cross in front of him and absorbed the stray bolts of electricity.

As soon as the stream stopped, both Trenkyp and Appius advanced on each other. From their first meeting in the Daleem Tunnels, to an akul hunt in the Shill Savannah, to being captured by the Collective and falling into a trap on Wasskah, hell, even Trenkyp's own knighting in the Cave of Ilum, the two men had been through a lot together, knew each other like the back of their hands— but today? Today was different. Trenkyp was different, Appius was different, and they both knew if they had any hope of surviving, they had to fight at their full strength. Neither of them deserved any less. This wasn't a battle between friends, between master and apprentice, between teacher and student.

This was simply two men trying to prove their worth to the other with their lives on the line.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 25 September, 2020 11:42 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great opening post. Fantastic introduction of the characters and venue both. You set the scene splendidly for the unfolding drama that exists between these two individuals, and bolster it mightily with your use of dialogue. There is a particular piece that I love.

"At least Roark was there! Where the hell were you, hut'uun? You left the Brotherhood. What did you expect? You thought they would just wait around for you!? You were gone. You abandoned Vizsla, you abandoned Taldryan, you abandoned the light, and you abandoned me. So what do you have to say for yourself!?"


Needs Improvements

There was a bit of confusion midway through your post directly after the dialogue I noted above. I did have to reread the section three times to catch on, which is not something you want to have your readers do to follow your story.

Trenkyp's answers didn't come in the form of words but by an open palm that summoned a powerful, invisible force that sent him flying off his feet and back into the corridor. He slid across the narrow hallway and came to a stop several metres inside. He rose back up to his feet, and immediately the Force alarmed him of the incoming danger as the sound of a snap-hiss caught his attention. He threw up both his arms as the thrown lightsaber cut and sliced through the interior cables and wires of the hallway. They sparked and flared dangerously close to him, screeching horribly in his ears. Nonetheless, the Force protected him from harm, and the deadly weapon seemingly bounced off an invisible wall before arching back towards its wielder.

A little more clarity on who is attacking would help in this particular case; the characters should not have to be assumed.

“I talk too much, huh?” Trenkyp said as he prepared to beat the same man that made him a Knight. “I heard you got a new apprentice. And she was knighted, or however you call it for those without the Force.”

Appius didn’t come here to talk, and the Kel Dor knew that. The Human expected an attack and soon enough, his apprentice delivered. The Defender used the Force to strengthen himself and dashed at the Sorcerer with Life in front of him, almost slicing the Taldryanite’s right leg before stopping himself.

“You think of yourself so highly. So confident. If I were any dumber, I’d say you’re more bark than bite,” whispered the Vizsla member as he swung his lightsabers at his Master, knowing they wouldn’t slice anything. “You think you taught me how to fight when fighting is the least of my worries.”

Trenkyp punched the air towards Appius, an extension of his body hitting him in the chest, momentarily staggering him. The Kel Dor grabbed his throwing razor from his waist and launched it behind the Human, keeping its homing beacon deactivated.

The Taldryanite reached out to the Force and started lifting the Defender by his neck. The Vizsla Mandalorian dropped his lightsabers and tried to reach his throwing daggers, but his pain got the better of him. He grabbed his glowrod and threw it in Appius’ direction, hitting him in the head and nearly blinding him. Trenkyp was released, breathing heavily. He grabbed his lightsabers back and swung Death at his Master, the strike completely blocked by the Liberator in the Sorcerer’s left hand.

“Jate. I was wondering when the real fight would start,” the Kel Dor uttered confidently.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 25 September, 2020 11:43 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I like the inclusion of the more amusing counter-attack. The fact that it hadn’t been the intended weapon, followed by it being surprising enough to stagger Appius, I laughed some. It was a delightful touch.


Needs Improvements

The fact that the post is short is not in itself a negative thing. However, the post lacks substance. We lose the venue completely. You do move the fight forward, but, other than that, there is nothing to hold onto the attention of your reader. It lacks detail. Think about drawing in elements of the characters’ surroundings to add to the moment’s intensity. Think of it as a scene in a movie. Minute details can bolster a shorter post and be made to grab the attention of the reader.

Against any other opponent, the introduction of a second lightsaber would have been something of a massive surprise. But Trenkyp knew Appius too well and had anticipated it, no, he had expected it.

Appius didn't retort to Trenkyp's confidence with words, but allowed his actions to speak for him. The power of the dark side swelled around him like a vortex and into him. It affected the dark sider immediately and even despite his now ragged breathing, he moved to attack his apprentice with the power of a hungry nexu after its prey.

Trenkyp held his own against the flurry of attacks, though struggled to mount a counter offence of his own. Appius attacked with great speed but his attacks were basic. He attacked high, or he attacked low. He attacked vertically, or he attacked horizontally, with strength or with speed, but not both at the same time. Normally, such attacks would hardly cause such concern for anyone trained in the ways of lightsaber combat, but the problem was that there was no discernable pattern to his movements. The Taldryanite switched at a moment's notice, changing his angle of attack, slowing his speed and then increasing it just a fast, attacking high one second then changing to low then back to high again unexpectedly. The cables and electronics within the walls were shredded to pieces and sparked around them in the chaos of their battle. The raging fires of Mustafar around them served as a perfect backdrop for their conflict.

The Defender had been on the receiving end of this style of fighting before, and it was this prior knowledge that allowed him to defend against it, though fighting back against it? That was a different matter. It didn't help that he himself was starting to feel the effects of the battle.

The Sorcerer's primary lightsaber met with the Kel Dor's, and he immediately spun and pressed his off-hand against the former Battleteam Leader's abdomen. He was sent careening further into the Interrogation Facility and entered a spherical room filled to the brim with a myriad of consoles that did Force knows what. Trenkyp slammed against one of them, which knocked the air he was holding out of his lungs. He reached up to pull himself to his feet when he felt the Force alarm him immediately of the danger about to slice his head clean off his shoulders. He drove out of the way of the Human's attack as both his emerald blades tore through the panel with ease as it set off an alarm within the building when a fire broke out from the console. Red flashing lights and klaxons beamed through the hallways as the younger man finally managed to compose himself.

"How many times have I told you, Trenkyp. Shien is not an effective lightsaber fighting style. It's useful against blasters and that's all, no matter how much you try to compensate for that weakness by dual-wielding," Appius said through panted breaths.

However, the Sorcerer's words fell on deaf ears, as his first apprentice simply braced himself for what was to come next.

"You're right, I did take on a new apprentice and yes, she isn't Force-sensitive. But does that mean I treated her any different to you? No, I didn't. She got the same treatment as you," the Taldryanite continued. "Fighting is the least of your worries? I wish I could say that for certain, but that's not how this universe works. Only the strong survive and the weak get squashed like insects. You have to fight for your right to live and exist in this Brotherhood, and if I have to teach you that the hard way then so be it!"

Appius' focus turned to a loose panel beside him, which shook and suddenly flew towards the other Mystic like a plasma bolt from a blaster. Trenkyp effortlessly cut the flying metal before it could touch him.

"YOU are not Appius," Trenkyp declared strongly, causing the Human to be slightly alarmed. "The Appius I know would have never followed that train of thought. The Appius I know would never try to kill one of his own apprentices. The Appius I know would have never turned to the dark side and commit genocide aboard the Nesolat!"

Judging by the scowl now present on his master's face, it was clear to Trenkyp that the last comment he made hit a nerve.

"You are not Appius, you are nothing more than a monster wearing his flesh like a suit. As far as I'm concerned, my master died when he turned to the dark side, and I'll make sure you can't hurt anyone innocent ever again!"

He grabbed hold of the throwing daggers clipped to his waist and threw them at the Sorcerer with lethal intent. Instead of trying to bat them away with his lightsaber, Appius leapt out of the way of the sharp projectiles before they could hit him and took cover behind one of the consoles in the centre of the room. The Defender followed through and launched Death towards the console Appius hid behind with reckless abandon. As soon as the jade coloured blade touched the electronics, they exploded into a terrifying display of lights, fire and ominous sparks which caused the Human to quickly roll out of the way.

With the power of the Force behind him, making him feel superpowered, Trenkyp ran towards his master, picking up his fallen saber along the way. He front-flipped over the fire and prepared to strike down the Taldryanite before he could retaliate. Unfortunately for him, his vision was obscured by Appius' cloak as the Sorcerer tossed it right into the Kel Dor's face. Trenkyp acted quickly and tore the offending material from his face, only for him to go wide-eyed at Appius holding out the fingers of his left hand towards him.

The Vizsla member knew what was coming, but he was already too late to react. A blinding flash of light assaulted his retinas and forced his eyes shut as he groaned at the burning sensation in his retinas. The Force suddenly alarmed him of incoming danger, and he knew what he had to do. He needed to cut Appius off from his use of the Force, to reduce him to nothing more than his lightsabers.

But with the pain in his eyes, the danger present around him, the heat of the room itself and the pressure of the dark side around him, he couldn't summon the power to defend himself.

Appius roared with primal fury and an electrical storm burst from his fingers and enveloped the Defender like tendrils of agony. Trenkyp screamed in pain, the torrent of electricity ripped into him and cooked his flesh and skin. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and as the stream stopped a few moments later, the Kel Dor's unconscious body dropped to the floor.

Appius collapsed onto his hands as he released his hold on his weapons. He gasped and panted, sweat ran down his face and the intense heat and fire made him feel weak. He coughed as a result of the smoke and realised he needed to get out of here sooner rather than later if he wanted to live. He retrieved his weapons, placing Redeemer on his waist and Liberator behind his back.

He quickly rose to his feet and carefully picked up his apprentice and wrapped the Kel Dor's arm around his shoulder. Step by step he made his way out of the Interrogation Facility with Trenkyp around his shoulders until finally, they reached the outside air.

Appius gently lowered the unconscious man to the floor and took a few steps away from him, taking a moment to catch his breath.

"You are right, Trenkyp. I'm not the man I once was," Appius said as he stared into his ash stained hands. "I became something I promised my own father I would never become. I never wanted to do what I did, but you know what? I'm. Still. Alive. Life isn't as simple as good and evil, as simple as light and dark. Sometimes, you need to do the right thing, no matter how horrible it may be."

The House Ektrosis Aedile turned back to Trenkyp and smiled at him, though it was not one of happiness, but one of regret.

"I know you hate me now, I don't blame you. I would hate me too after everything I've done. But you know what? You passed. You've earned my respect, and I wish you luck in the rest of your endeavours in the Brotherhood. Congratulations, Trenkyp. May the Force be with you, my friend. You don't need me anymore."

Appius left Trenkyp behind, confident that he would wake on his own. He entered the Taldryan ship and ascended out of the harsh, Mustafar atmosphere. Disappointed in himself that he couldn't be more for his apprentice.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 25 September, 2020 11:43 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Powerful ending. You maintain a strong narrative throughout your post, bolstered by fiery dialogue, emotion, and the venue’s inclusion to create what I can only describe as a perfectly cinematic battle scene. The intensity is spectacularly well written.

Life isn't as simple as good and evil, as simple as light and dark. Sometimes, you need to do the right thing, no matter how horrible it may be."

I love this particular fragment of dialogue. Deep.


Needs Improvements

Be cautious of repetitive word use, as well, word choice. The example of word choice I have in mind is when you use The Force suddenly alarmed him of incoming danger. When you make use of Precognition, you tend to make regular and repetitive use of this phrasing. Alarm sounds off, to begin with when used in this way, at least to me, and you always use the same wording for it. Play around with some different ways of writing this ability and change it up!

"You enjoy fighting, I understand that. But what I've heard you do, what I know you've done. Rangir! You might be good at fighting, but you'll never be an honorable fighter," Appius told his apprentice as he blocked lightsaber swings.

"Honor." Trenkyp's expression under his mask was completely blank. "If I cared about honor, I would be dead. Sometimes, you just have to survive."

Trenkyp swung both of his lightsabers wildly at his Master, with no goal in his mind. He just was angry and needed to get that out of his system.

"What does it mean to be a Mando to you, Trenkyp? Is it fighting? Is it credits? Is it just practicing Mando culture?" the Taldryanite said.

"You can't get in my head that easily, Appius. You should know that."

"It was worth a shot," the Sorcerer said as he readied himself and called upon the Force to create lightning. The Defender, took by surprise because of his anger, gets hit by multiple bolts before the Human stops, dropping on the ground with his lightsabers deactivated, trying to force his pain away.

"You should know how to control yourself. You were a Jedi, after all."

"Maybe I should. But so were you, and look at yourself," Trenkyp said as he reactivated his throwing razor's homing beacon. Appius felt the danger incoming and diverged the path of the razor with an invisible hand, flying straight into the Kel Dor's right wrist, cleanly cutting off his hand. He screamed in pain, blood pouring out of his arm.

"Alright kiddo, come on. I can't just let you die here," Appius said as he turned off his lightsabers and put them back on his hip and back.

"Argh... no, I can still fight... Just let me..." The Defender focused on his bleeding hand, trying to close off his wound.

"You can't, let me at least get you back to your ship. You'll pay me some time."

"Heh... you still got some Vizsla in you..." the Kel Dor said as he passed out.

"Ori'jate, now I have to carry you," the Human said as he started picking up Trenkyp's belongings.


Twenty minutes later, Trenkyp woke up next to his ship with his lightsabers by his side.

"What the hell happened? Where's... Where's my hand?"

"Oh, you're alive," Appius said as he deactivated his holocron. "I was considering stealing your ship if you were dead. I patched you up as best as I could."

"Yeah, yeah... What happened?"

"We fought, you lost your hand."

"Yeah, makes sense... What did you do to Tom?"

"Your droid? He ain't much. He fired at me but completely missed, then I grabbed his gun. He's intact."

Trenkyp stared at his right arm, completely surprised. He hadn't lost any limbs before, why did he lose one then?

"I'll go back to my ship, you take care flying," Appius spoke as he walked out.

"See you next time, Appius."

"Next time we meet, it'll be much worse for you."

"We'll see..."

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 25 September, 2020 11:44 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Loved that you carried through with the planted weapon plot you started in your previous post. I love sneaky forethought.


Needs Improvements

The post feels somewhat rushed. The fight’s end is so abrupt that it caught me by surprise. Why so quick? You do not give your story a chance to develop and hold your reader’s attention by hurrying things along as rapidly as you did here. There is something to be said for proper pacing.