Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
vs.

Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

General Comments

From a judge's perspective, this battle was as much about risk-taking vs. sticking to what you're good at as a writer as it was about Aiden and Appius vs. a horde of krayt dragons. Each approach has its advantages and disadvantages. At the best of times, taking risks can propel a writer’s work to heights that those who play it safe just can’t reach, and make for truly awesome stories. Unfortunately, this was not the best of times.

Appius was the risk-taker in this battle. As the scores reflect, his willingness to delve into his character’s emotional life—and have it changed by the circumstances of the battle—gave him the edge in the Story category. However, the way he described some of the events of the battle were too far beyond belief for Rule of Cool to bridge the gap, which hurt him in the Realism category (one of the few battles where a member's Realism was hurt by sheer believability rather than nitpicky CS System rules). Appius also had some significant issues in the Syntax category, but those alone weren’t enough to tip the balance of the scores.

Aiden, meanwhile, did his thing and did it well. I didn’t find myself blown away by either of his posts, but they were both creative and well-executed. When he pushed the envelope, he did so in a way that was less dramatic but more believable than Appius’ approach. That moderation led to a more enjoyable story (even though the score difference was in the Realism category).

Congratulations and well done to both members, and to Aiden Lee Deshra on his victory. I look forward to seeing more battles from you in the future!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight, Augur Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Augur Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 24 January, 2021 9:06 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: A few minor syntax errors. Rationale: Per the ACC Rubric, “The posts will have numerous, repeated errors in the basic aspects of syntax and grammar. Portions of the posts were difficult for the reader to follow due to poor phrasing or formatting.”
Story - 40%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Your characterisation added a lot of depth to your posts, and writing about how Aiden and Appius decided to bail on their mission (and having to deal with the consequences of that) in your second post was an interesting twist. Rationale: You set up conflict between the member characters early in your first post, used characterisation to deepen the reader's engagement with the story, and kept up the strong emotional threads throughout both of your posts. Advantage goes to Appius because the emotional content of his posts was more compelling.
Realism - 25%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: One minor detractor in your second post. See the comments there for details. Rationale: There were a several spots in your posts where your description of events was just too far beyond belief for me to accept. See the post comments for more details.
Continuity - 20%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Well done! Rationale: No issues. Well done!
Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.2 High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson's Score: 3.6
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

"I don't suppose there's anything in that book of yours about canyon krayt dragons, is there?" the Proconsul of Arcona questioned. Aiden Lee Deshra glanced towards the hallway of the breached labs of the Shadow Academy as the pungent and repulsive smell of the Uskil swamplands seeped in through the cracks. For lack of a better word, the place was in shambles. What once stood a mighty representation of the Shadow Academy's knowledge and intelligence now lay a shell of its former self. Everywhere the tall Marauder looked, he was treated to carnage littering either side of the two of them. Broken tables, electronics that sparked and jittered as they walked past them and not to mention the red stains, that Aiden was almost certain about, was blood.

"Let's see," Appius said as he rapidly began flicking through the pages. "The Exodus, Jac glassing Clan homeworlds, a collection of the Brotherhood's history at war. Nope. Oh? There's an unwritten section at the end saved for Mav's reign as Grand Master."

"It was the worst," the Arconan answered.

"Yeah, tell me about it," the Taldryanite responded. "He really did not think that ritual through very well."

"Clearly," Aiden responded bluntly. Though the Arconan Proconsul was at least glad to have one of Ciara's magistrates here with him. If anyone had any clue as to what was in this facility, or what they were up against, it was going to be a member of the Shadow Academy staff itself.

"So, what exactly happened?" the Marauder Force Disciple asked.

"From what Ciara told me, Mav's ritual affected every living creature here. This facility was supposed to be a hub for research on the beasts that the Shadow Academy collected over the years. Habitats were duly created just for them. Then when the Collective attacked and the Nesolat was destroyed, the debris broke the facility apart and they escaped," Appius answered like he was reading from a datapad.

"That doesn't sound so bad," the balance adherent stated.

"It isn't," the heavily armoured Mandalorian retorted. "Until you find out that that very ritual turned them all aggressive and rabid. They attacked anyone and anything. Not to mention making them extremely territorial. All the staff had to be evacuated and those whom didn't? Well," Appius finished as he gestured to a mutilated carcass the two Humans walked by at that moment. "I think this makes the point obvious."

Aiden didn't respond and simply glanced at the bloody mess at their feet. He had no idea how long it had been there, only that the maggots were starting to cover the carcass in a gruesome visual display. In the Proconsul's mind, this was the reason the Force should not be bent to anyone's will, but allowed to be free. These beasts had been manipulated and twisted by the corruption placed into them by the mind of a madman and for what? To be experiments? Cattle to be slaughtered? It didn't sit well with him.

"It could be worse," Appius then declared as he put his book away. "I once heard of a greater krayt dragon that lived on Tatooine. It was the size of a Star Destroyer, or so they say."

"That's absurd," the Marauder rejected. "No krayt dragon has ever been recorded at that size. It's just an old story."

"Yeah, you're right," the Sorcerer conceded. "It's about as absurd as seeking balance in the Force."

"Excuse me?" Aiden snapped as his head turned to meet the Mandalorian. "One should always strive to achieve balance. There is no light without dark."

"Spare me your nonsense, Aiden," Appius interrupted. "I've seen a lot since I joined this Brotherhood. The one thing I've learnt about the Force is that there's no such thing as balance. You are either light or dark because you lean one way or the other. Eventually, you either embrace the light or fall to your more primal instincts. I'm just wondering which one it will be for you."

Aiden stepped towards him, unperturbed by his theoretical hypocrisy.

"You have your creed, I have mine. Leave it at that and focus on the task at hand," the Arconan said with a small hint of a threat in his voice.

The two stood there, face to visor for a few moments, neither unwilling to budge.

"Fine," Appius conceded. "Whatever you say."

The Mandalorian gestured for the Marauder to lead them through a damaged archway that led to an outdoor exhibit. Aiden held out his remaining organic hand and forced the damaged metal to buckle as it screeched, forcing it to give way before he launched them to the side. Glancing back, he watched the Taldryanite shrug, a response of 'yeah, so what?' if there ever was one.

When the Arconan stepped outside he was greeted by a smell that made him scrunch his face and recoil. Appius joined him and was immediately thankful he had a helmet over his face.

"And I thought it smelled bad on the inside..."

The Mandalorian wasn't wrong. The air was tainted by a light green hue that was likely a blend of the Uskil swamplands and whatever the canyon krayt dragon's did here. The sand beneath their feet was coloured that same mossy colour, the trees were too and it looked more like they had stepped onto Felucia than the heart of the Brotherhood.

Aiden then spotted it out of the corner of his peripheral vision. As long as the Marauder was tall, it was beige with patches of grey dotted across its flesh. It was lizard-like in the way it moved, and its fangs looked like they could tear through solid beskar.

"There it is," Aiden whispered as he pointed out the twisted beast in front of them. "But where is the rest?"

"Who cares?" Appius responded. "It's by itself. This is as good a chance as any to separate it from the pack!"

The Arconan had to admit, the Taldryanite had a good point.

Though as Aiden approached the dragon in question, he noticed his Mandalorian partner had hung back, standing right where he was.

"Are you not going to help?" Aiden asked.

"Nope. It looks like you've got everything under control, so I'll keep an eye out for the others. It gives you a chance to show off some more," the Taldryan Quaestor replied as he folded his arms and leaned his back against the facility wall.

It was typical for a Taldryanite to give an Arconan a hard time. The rivalry between the two Clans spanned over the best of two decades, so why would now be any different?

It didn't matter. Aiden was nothing if not confident in his abilities. He was trained on Mandalorian customs, the honour of a fight, and he would prove himself once again. He took one more extra footstep into the sand as it crunched beneath him before his eyes widened and his heart rate quickened. The Force screamed like a klaxon at the back of his mind and he leapt out of the way of the krayt dragon as it jumped towards him, crashing against a tree and shredding it to pieces with its teeth and claws.

"Whoa…" Appius said as he watched in awe at the creature's display of power.

The sand was rough, coarse, got everywhere, and dragged across the Marauder's skin but he didn't care. He gripped hold of his two lightsaber hilts, one normal as a brilliant silver blade hissed to life and a smaller, violet blade snapped out of the shoto. The act grabbed the attention of the krayt dragon, as its head snapped towards the Arconan like a predator hungry for prey.

"Are they normally that fast?" Appius inquired nonchalantly. Not a moment after he finished his last word, the beast launched itself at Aiden at breakneck speed forcing the Marauder to once again leap out of the way thanks to the Force's warning.

"I could use your help!" The Arconan cried out. He could kill the reptile, but the Headmistress wanted it alive. Thus, it needed to be subdued without too much injury, so he was stuck evading it whilst it chomped and snapped dangerously close to his shins.

"Ugh, fine. Keep it distracted," Appius replied, rolling his eyes.

The canyon krayt dragon had Aiden backed into a corner, the Human's back against the wall with nowhere left to turn. Or at least, that was the intention. The balance adherent was ready to stab the creature through the heart. Frakk what the Headmistress wanted, this was a matter of life and death!

Yet, just as the creature lunged at the Arconan to deal the killing blow, it was then struck by a vicious bolt of lightning that hissed through the air and slammed into his ribs. The blow caused the ritually enhanced monster to careen to the side as it ground to a stop a few feet away from the Arconan’s boots in the sand.

"There, happy?" the Taldryanite asked with electricity humming between the fingertips of his hands. When Appius had taken a few steps towards the unconscious beast, Aiden lunged at him and held his silver lightsaber an inch away from Appius' visor. The two stood there, neither willing to budge.

"Are you trying to get me killed?" the smaller Human growled. "We are supposed to be working together!"

"Get that thing out of my face before I take it from you and shove it where the sun doesn't shine!" the Mandalorian threatened.

"I should have known better than to trust a Taldryanite," the Marauder started.

"Aiden..." Appius interrupted as he turned his head, his tone of voice suddenly a lot more serious in nature.

"I'm not done!" Aiden exclaimed. "I don't care what your reasoning is, but if you can't move past our Clan's differences then we have no hope in working together!"

"AIDEN!"

The Sorcerer's shout brought Aiden back to his senses as the Force roared through the Marauder's subconscious. The Arconan quickly reacted and pulled the two of them out of the way of an incoming bite from another krayt dragon. The second the two Humans hit the sand, they were made acutely aware of several more sets of red-eyed dragons everywhere they looked, surrounding them cattle for the slaughter.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 January, 2021 1:09 AM UTC

What Went Well

The story and characterisation elements of your writing were really strong in this post. I liked how you set up the conflict between Aiden and Appius from early in the battle, instead of assuming that they’d get along just because they were supposed to be working together. The banter between the two was great; it seemed like you went out of your way to make Appius unlikeable, and IMO, you succeeded. In the same vein, you did a great job of getting into the respective characters’ heads, like Aiden’s disapproval of anyone twisting the Force to their will.

On the “external” front, your descriptions do a great job of getting the reader into the environment—maggots on a corpse, Appius hanging back from a fight, the colours of the trees and ground, sand crunching underfoot, and so on.

Room for Growth

Syntax-wise, you had a number of issues in this post. The most common ones were sentence structure problems, with both run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Your use of paragraph breaks sometimes made it difficult to follow the scene, in terms of who was talking or acting at any given time. Likewise, there were some issues with verb tenses not matching and pronouns getting mixed up, like when Appius blasted the krayt dragon that was attacking Aiden. You’d referred to the dragon as “it” up to that point, so having a “him” in there made things a little confusing (given Appius’ “for the evulz” attitude earlier in the post, it seemed like it wouldn’t have been impossible for him to “help” Aiden by blasting him out of the way with Force Lightning). There were also cases of missing words and of using the wrong words, like “unwilling” in place of “willing”.

The major Realism issue you had in this post came when Aiden “forced the damaged metal to buckle as it screeched, forcing it to give way”. What did Aiden actually do there? You say that Aiden held his hand out, and that the metal moved, but there’s no explanation of what happens between those two points. Without more information, it looks like the debris moving “just happened”, which obviously isn’t possible. Unfortunately, that earned you a major Realism detractor.

Suggestions

Work on improving your sentence structure. Purdue OWL’s pages on run-on sentences and sentence fragments are great resources for that. If you need help spotting where those errors happened in your post, feel free to contact me on Telegram.

On the Realism end, make sure you’re explicit enough about what a character is doing that the reader doesn’t have to guess. That isn’t normally an issue for you, but this post shows how much of a difference it can make.

The two Force Users quickly scrambled to their feet. The situation had gone from bad to worse. Aiden counted four, four sets of ruby red eyes following them with killing intent. His lightsabers, held tightly in his grasp, were readied to defend himself. The time for a careful approach was over. Regardless of what the Headmistress wanted, his life was more valuable than these affected beasts. And he'd be sure to kill these dragons before he'd lay down and die.

"Mister Wight, the time for petty squabbling seems to be over. The only way we both survive is for us to watch each other's backs and work together." Aiden spoke with a calm collectedness, a trait earned from a lifetime of battle. He knew that survival was the most important thing right now. What good was completing their mission if they died in the process?

"Who said I cared that we both survive, Deshra? I'll look out for myself. You worry about you." Appius didn't trust easily, even less so this man he heard left their clan to join the enemy. He'd been burned before and wouldn't be opening himself to that again.

Tensions between the two would-be allies were high, but the uncertainty surrounding the situation was higher. The four beasts stalked their prey as the two men could do nothing but watch and wait. Aiden tensed as one of the dragons knelt in a ready position. The human let a breath go, and the reptilian monster launched.

Aiden gritted his teeth as the first krayt dragon charged forward. Sand kicked up as its large paws pushed itself forward like a missile. The Arconan waited for the opportune moment, sidestepping the beast as its jaws snapped forward. He slashed his amethyst shoto in a wide arc, catching a horn on the side of the dragon's head and cleaving the obtrusion from its root. The dragon roared in pain, and the other three rushed the two Brotherhood members.

Appius activated his jetpack, boosting himself up into the air as he brought out and engaged his lightsaber. Twin emerald blades extended from the longer than standard hilt. The pack extinguished as Appius used his inertia to flip through the air and carved his saber into the hide of one of the dragon's hind legs. The creature screeched in agony, the sound blocked out slightly by the Mandalorian's helmet. Kicking its leg back, the Taldryanite felt the dragon's clawed foot collide with his chest plate, knocking him off his feet. Another dragon leaped to kill the downed target, but as its snapping jaws neared his beskar, the beast froze in the air, legs kicking wildly.

Aiden's left arm was outstretched, and a look of concentration was rigidly set on his face. His shoto saber dangled from his belt clip. Pushing forward, the Arconan sent the krayt dragon tumbling away from Appius, allowing the Mandalorian the opportunity to ready himself for more. Turning away from his 'ally,' Aiden's eyes widened as the Force screamed in his mind. He turned his body again but was intercepted by the jaws of another krayt dragon clamping onto his left shoulder and arm. Aiden let out a wail as the limb's synthetic neuroreceptors told him he was in pain. The beast crunched down, salivating as it did so, but seemed confused as to why it tasted no flesh.

"What's the matter, you kriffin krayt. Can't get a good taste?" he asked with shaky breath before driving his silver blade into the creature's side, immolating the dragon with intense plasmic heat before ripping the saber free.

The dragon let out a weak groan as it slowly fell to the ground, dead. Aiden's left arm was mangled, barely functioning as he willed the machine to curl. His dominant hand remained primed and ready to defend itself. Three krayts still lived, waiting with bated breath to strike again. One lay dead at Aidens feet. The fifth was alive but unconscious from Appius's lightning.

"Thanks for the assist," Appius mumbled as he came to stand at the Arconan's side.

Aiden gave the Mandalorian a sideways glance before looking forward again. He didn't know why he felt the need to protect this Taldryanite. After his betrayal following the destruction of Karufr, he had sworn off his old clan. But his sense of honor kept him from neglecting this current teammate. "Thank me later. For now, we just need to survive."

"Ciara won't be happy about the dead krayt."

"She can tell that to my arm."

The three krayt dragons kept their blood-red eyes on the two Force Disciples. They kept their distance, almost seemingly planning out their next strike. Appius grew tired of the looming threat, and with a stern glare behind his visor, he channeled his anger into the palms of his hands. With a controlled fury, lightning burst forth from his fingertip, surging forward in a stream before colliding with the krayt in the middle of the pack. Electricity crackled around it before leaping off and connecting the current with the other two krayts as well. They fled, howling in pain, as the middle one fell to the sandy ground, sparks still flying off its brown scaly hide.

The beasts disappeared into the darkness. Only the sand showed any sign of their presence, as tracks were scattered about. Aiden collapsed to the ground and held his left arm. Wires had become exposed and ripped out by the sharp fangs of the krayt dragon. The limb would hardly be usable.

Appius let out a heavy breath. That burst of lightning had taken a bit out of him. He was glad for his helmet. It kept his tentative partner from seeing the weary expression on his face. At least the two other krayts had been scared off, though...for now.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 January, 2021 1:10 AM UTC

What Went Well

You did a great job of ratcheting up the tension with the vividness of your descriptions and the fast-paced combat. I also enjoyed how you wove characterisation into the combat; it both deepened the immersion of the scene and gave the reader a chance to catch their metaphorical breath after the action opening. You clearly paid attention to the finer points of ACC mechanics, like showing how Appius had exerted himself using Force Lightning.

Room for Growth

You had a few spots where your grammar made the sentences difficult to understand. First, "And he'd be sure to kill these dragons before he'd lay down and die." took a couple of read-throughs for me to parse Aiden's intent to kill the krayt dragons instead of dying instead of killing them before succumbing to his wounds.

Second, "The creature screeched in agony, the sound blocked out slightly by the Mandalorian's helmet. Kicking its leg back, the Taldryanite felt the dragon's clawed foot collide with his chest plate, knocking him off his feet." The way you placed "kicking its leg back, the Taldryanite…" made it sound like Appius kicked the krayt dragon's leg for some reason, rather than the krayt dragon kicking Appius.

Finally, when you said Aiden's lightsaber "immolated the dragon", your use of "immolated" implied that the entire dragon was engulfed in flames. The next paragraph kind of clarifies that by not suggesting that the corpse was on fire, but it would've been easier to understand if you'd specified that it was the dragon's internal organs that were immolated.

Suggestions

Tweak your phrasing and sentence structure to make it as clear as possible for the reader.

Appius glanced to the fallen Arconan beside him in-between ragged breaths, his chest rising and falling with each second that passed.

Aiden was nothing if not stubborn, he took deep gulps of air in an attempt to hide the discomfort his artificial limb was giving him. The pained look in the Marauder's eyes gave it all away, whether or not he even realised it.

The Quaestor placed the hilt of his saberstaff back onto his waist and turned to meet the Equite, standing above him.

A familiar sensation built up within the Sorcerer, the same one that befell him when his family were destroyed on Mandalore. The sensation filled him like he'd looked at himself in the mirror after a night of having way too much to drink. The same one that filled him when he deemed himself unworthy of existence after losing everything.

Shame.

That was what that soul destroying feeling was.

Aiden had helped him, fought with him, held his own, and in return Appius had been nothing but difficult.

The Proconsul didn't say anything but maintained eye contact with the Taldryanite. He readied himself for some kind of remark and quip about his injury or performance against the krayts.

He had no reason to expect anything else up until now.

Then, his eyes went wide and his jaw dropped slightly loose when the Mandalorian offered his right hand out to him. Aiden was naturally hesitant at first and simply stared at the gesture.

Appius was willing to help him off of the grainy sand.

The two remained silent, neither willing to say the first word to the other as the Sorcerer defeatedly placed his arm back at his side.

"Are you ok?" The Taldryanite finally asked, breaking the silence between them.

"It's fine," the balance adherent answered, still rubbing his arm tentatively. "I've had much worse."

"Can't you just…" the Sorcerer struggled to find the right words to use. "Turn it off?"

The Marauder raised a single brow as his face tensed.

"No, I can't just turn it off," Aiden replied. "And even if I could, I wouldn't. A lesson without pain is meaningless because no-one can gain without sacrificing something. I lost my arm a long time ago, but by enduring that pain and overcoming it, I gained a much greater strength in myself that I didn't even know I had."

"Then get up and walk?" Appius suggested. "Keep moving forward. You've got two good legs, haven't you?"

The Arconan gave his answer with a single nod of his head.

"Then use them! You've made your own path up until now, why let something like this, something like me stop you?"

With the words of encouragement bolstering him, Aiden forced himself onto his feet using his own power, the sand crunching beneath his boots audibly as he moved.

"Right then," Appius said as he rubbed his hands together gleefully, given the current circumstances. "I suppose we better get back to it."

"As you said, Ciara won't be too happy about the dead krayt," Aiden reiterated and gestured towards the slashed corpse of the dragon with a slight movement of his head. Though he only received a shrug in response.

"I deal with Erinyes' kark daily. If I can do that, I'm sure I can smooth things over with Ciara," the Magistrate affirmed confidently.

A soft wind brushed past Aiden's face and acted like a fan on a hot summer day, despite the fact it blew some of the rancid smell into his nostrils.

The Mandalorian was lucky he at least had a helmet to cover up a fraction of that smell no matter how minuscule. The exhibit remained ripped asunder from the carnage caused by the dragons as well as their battle. Dead trees splintered and scattered shards of wood across the sand, causing them to stick out like a carpet of pointy little daggers.

The pair of Force Disciples barely took a few steps before their senses came to life with a dark and horrifying aura that came from the darkness. Two sets of red eyes approached them again, snarling and hissing as the creature's sharp claws dug into the sand.

"Back already?" Appius inquired in surprise, acting like they would somehow respond to his question.

The Marauder gripped his main curved hilt weapon and allowed his mechanical limb to drop lifelessly at his side. The silver blade once again ruptured out the holt with the distinct snap-hiss of a lightsaber.

"Don't worry, Deshra," the Sorcerer then declared confidently as electricity danced in-between his fingertips once again. "I'll handle this quickly."

Appius' bravado was cut short by a horrendous roar that boomed and echoed all around them. A third pair of red eyes emerged through the pitch black, easily twice the size of anything the Savant and the Augur had encountered up to this point.

What emerged was simply a crime against nature.

Never before had the Force Disciples seen or heard a canyon krayt dragon that size. being twelve-foot high and almost twice as long, it easily dwarfed the other two ritually enhanced reptiles that lingered close to its front legs.

"By the Force…" the Arconan muttered. This krayt was grey, almost all over, with moss green veins that bulged out of its scaly skin.

It roared again, and both Force users could feel the power of the beast through the air as the ground vibrated beneath their feet.

"Wight! If you are going to do something, do it now!" Aiden thundered with his voice.

The Mandalorian Sorcerer didn't need to be told twice. Pain, anguish, anger and hate. The Ektrosis Quaestor pushed it all to the forefront of his fingers and let loose a torrent of lightning with a roar of his own. It darted and hissed towards the reptile, which opened its jaw to accept the full fury Appius threw at it.

To hell with keeping it alive!

He was going to have words with Ciara about everything when it was all said and done.

For a split second, Appius believed he'd done it. The creature's organs would cook and burn under his power and there was no way it could survive that!

The Taldryanite smirked, though, as the last of the lightning ebbed away from his fingers, the smile was effectively turned upside down as the beast clamped its jaws shut like it was eating a meal.

"What the hell!?" Appius yelled in shock as he panted for breath.

The Sorcerer's surprise went unanswered by Aiden, who was more preoccupied on the humming and buzzing resonating from the beast's mouth.

The Arconan's eyes shot side open as he realised what had happened, and what was about to happen.

"WIGHT! LOOK OUT!"

Too late was the warning.

The beast opened its jaw as the very lightning Appius struck at it recoiled back towards the Sorcerer. Even with the Force's warning, he was unable to evade the torrents of agonising tendrils as they wrapped around his body like a net.

It was a strange irony that it would be the Quaestor dropped to the ground and shrieked in agony, a victim of his own attack. Beskar could do a lot, but not against something that was enhanced by the Grand Master's dark ritual.

The larger than life beast boomed once again like a general commanding it's troops.

One of the smaller reptiles leapt towards the downed Sorcerer with its jaws salivating at the potential meal before it.

Time moved at a crawl for the Marauder as his instincts flared to life. Year after year of intense physical training, the hardships, seeing his Mandalorian parents dead before his eyes, the very reason he strove for balance, his beliefs, all of it came to the forefront of his psyche.

Aiden quickly stepped into the path of the krayt, stabbing the creature through its eye and with a crack pierced through the sphenoid with considerable effort on the attackers part.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 January, 2021 1:10 AM UTC

What Went Well

Appius' emotional journey in this post is fantastic. I won't pretend to feel bad for him after he came across as such a jerk; just the opposite, actually. That said, the fact that I was emotionally invested enough to enjoy seeing Appius taken down a peg is a credit to the immersiveness of your writing.

You also did a great job of handling the second confrontation with the krayt dragons, from the "enhanced" krayt strutting in like a gang leader flanked by thugs, to the irony of Appius being taken down by his own favourite maneuver.

Room for Growth

Many of the Syntax issues that I talk about in my comments on your first post are also present in this post, so I'm not going to rehash them here.

The biggest issue in this post came from Realism, in a different manner than before. Early on, you wrote Aiden deciding to simply ignore the pain in his arm. An injury that's so severe as to completely crush his arm and render it useless isn't the kind of thing that someone can just shrug off. In real life, that degree of pain could conceivably make a person black out, while Aiden just grits his teeth and pushes through it. That's a minor detractor in itself, IMO.

What takes this issue further is that Aiden's performance doesn't seem to be affected by the injury or the resulting agony when he swoops in to save Appius by stabbing a relatively agile animal in the eye—a target that isn't much bigger than the tip of a lightsaber's blade. I can believe that Aiden could pull that off under normal circumstances, but not when he has to contend with the pain of his injuries.

Suggestions

Syntax-wise, the same as your first post. Realism-wise, make sure you factor both the pain and the physical damage of the characters' injuries into their actions.

Pulling his blade free, the Krayt fell dead at his feet. Aiden was moving through sheer force of will. His left arm pained him in ways he could scarcely describe, and Appius was down. He could sense life within the Mandalorian, but he was clearly unconscious. Truthfully Aiden wasn't sure how he was going to survive this.

As time seemed to slow around him, Aiden slowly closed his eyes. He let go of everything in his mind. Balance. That was what he spent years of his life training for—balance within the Force. And now the Force would take control. He would surrender himself to the cosmic energy that penetrated everything around him.

Opening his eyes once more, he saw the final regular-sized Krayt ready to charge. The Larger Krayt looked prepared to strike as well. Against both, he wouldn't last a minute, but if he could take care of the smaller one, he might have a chance to live. As the Krayt charged, Aiden drew back his lightsaber before throwing it in an arc at the beast. The silvery blade spun through the air, controlled by the Force user's mind. The lightsaber hit home, slashing through the Krayts head and dropping the monster to the ground.

Aiden called the saber back to him, but the giant Krayt's food landed atop the blade first, crushing the hilt and kyber crystal within. It burned itself on the blade before it managed to destroy it, causing it to howl in pain. Aiden took that moment to run to Appius and attempt to wake him up.

"Come on, you Mandalorian, wake the Frak up, and let's get out of here!"

But his words fell on deaf ears. The downed Taldryanite didn't even stir. The enormous beast's roar broke Aiden from his concentration. As the krayt barreled towards him, Aiden decided to try and draw it away from Appius. He ran in a separate direction as the dragon's gaze followed him.

"Come on, you big frakker. Come this way!" Aiden yelled, trying to get the krayt to chase after him and stay away from the immobile Mandalorian. When the beast refused to follow him, Aiden could only think of a way to piss it off. He pulled out his dagger and focused before throwing the long knife at the creature. The blade hit the scaled skin of the Krayt, and finally, the mutated dragon began to move after the Force Disciple with a loud bellowing roar.

The loudness of the krayt dragon shook Appius from unconsciousness. The Mandalorian groaned in pain as smoke rose from his body. He felt like he'd been charred from the inside out. He knew he was lucky to still be alive. Looking around, he saw Aiden being chased through his helmet's visor. Knowing his lightning had done nothing, Appius realized the two of them were out of their league here. They'd need assistance to take down this large krayt dragon.

The Taldryanite fought to push himself onto his feet. He activated his jetpack, but the damage caused by the lightning rebound didn't allow it to fire up right away. He had to watch helplessly as the dragon cornered Aiden. The balance follower was seriously in trouble. Again Appius tried to turn on his jet pack. After several showers of sparks flew from the thrusters, finally, the pack began to work. Controlled flames burst forth from the jetpack engines, and the Mandalorian's feet left the ground.

Appius, still suffering from the shocking surprise of the krayt's mutations, had difficulty steering, but he sped up and grabbed Aiden before the dragon could devour the balance adherent. He upped the thruster's power, and the two force users shot into the sky. Appius aimed for a hole in the roof, and together the two escaped the krayt dragon's habitat and the facility.

"We didn't finish the mission," Aiden said in a dejected tone.

"We both need medical treatment. That mission was doomed to fail. We were ill-equipped for this giant krayt." Appius muttered as he strained himself while carrying Aiden. "Better we live to fight another day. Ciarra can have someone else deal with that giant abomination."

"Agreed, let us go and heal our wounds."

"Whatever you say there, Aiden.

Master Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 January, 2021 1:24 AM UTC

What Went Well

Overall, this post was solid. As before, you picked up Appius' combat and ran with it, ramping up the tension in the process. Aiden's desperation definitely came through when he had to just fling weapons at the "enhanced" krayt dragon to buy time for Appius to wake up. I also liked how you wrote the pair conceding that they'd failed their mission, which was far more realistic than them pulling victory out of thin air because that's what the prompt said.

Room for Growth

Syntax-wise, you had a few small issues. There were a few instances of “krayt” being capitalised when it shouldn’t have been, along with “large” and “frak”. In one spot, you had “food” instead of “foot”. Ciara’s first name only has one R in it, and I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate your lack of attention to detail. :P Finally, there were some missing quotation marks at the very end of the post.

Realism-wise, the overall content of the post seemed a bit far-fetched. You acknowledge that Aiden’s in a great deal of pain because of his damaged cybernetic arm, but there’s no mention of that pain affecting his performance in any way as he runs around fighting krayt dragons and trying to rescue Appius. Likewise, Appius is fresh from unconsciousness and electrocution, but is still able to maneuver his jetpack well enough to pull off a drive-by pickup; you did say he had difficulty steering, but not so much that he couldn’t both literally snatch Aiden from a krayt dragon’s jaws and maneuver through a hole in the ceiling. Taken together, those elements added up to the scene feeling improbable and got you a detractor.

Suggestions

Be more explicit about how the characters’ injuries affect their actions, and be careful of your capitalisation.