"I don't suppose there's anything in that book of yours about canyon krayt dragons, is there?" the Proconsul of Arcona questioned. Aiden Lee Deshra glanced towards the hallway of the breached labs of the Shadow Academy as the pungent and repulsive smell of the Uskil swamplands seeped in through the cracks. For lack of a better word, the place was in shambles. What once stood a mighty representation of the Shadow Academy's knowledge and intelligence now lay a shell of its former self. Everywhere the tall Marauder looked, he was treated to carnage littering either side of the two of them. Broken tables, electronics that sparked and jittered as they walked past them and not to mention the red stains, that Aiden was almost certain about, was blood.
"Let's see," Appius said as he rapidly began flicking through the pages. "The Exodus, Jac glassing Clan homeworlds, a collection of the Brotherhood's history at war. Nope. Oh? There's an unwritten section at the end saved for Mav's reign as Grand Master."
"It was the worst," the Arconan answered.
"Yeah, tell me about it," the Taldryanite responded. "He really did not think that ritual through very well."
"Clearly," Aiden responded bluntly. Though the Arconan Proconsul was at least glad to have one of Ciara's magistrates here with him. If anyone had any clue as to what was in this facility, or what they were up against, it was going to be a member of the Shadow Academy staff itself.
"So, what exactly happened?" the Marauder Force Disciple asked.
"From what Ciara told me, Mav's ritual affected every living creature here. This facility was supposed to be a hub for research on the beasts that the Shadow Academy collected over the years. Habitats were duly created just for them. Then when the Collective attacked and the Nesolat was destroyed, the debris broke the facility apart and they escaped," Appius answered like he was reading from a datapad.
"That doesn't sound so bad," the balance adherent stated.
"It isn't," the heavily armoured Mandalorian retorted. "Until you find out that that very ritual turned them all aggressive and rabid. They attacked anyone and anything. Not to mention making them extremely territorial. All the staff had to be evacuated and those whom didn't? Well," Appius finished as he gestured to a mutilated carcass the two Humans walked by at that moment. "I think this makes the point obvious."
Aiden didn't respond and simply glanced at the bloody mess at their feet. He had no idea how long it had been there, only that the maggots were starting to cover the carcass in a gruesome visual display. In the Proconsul's mind, this was the reason the Force should not be bent to anyone's will, but allowed to be free. These beasts had been manipulated and twisted by the corruption placed into them by the mind of a madman and for what? To be experiments? Cattle to be slaughtered? It didn't sit well with him.
"It could be worse," Appius then declared as he put his book away. "I once heard of a greater krayt dragon that lived on Tatooine. It was the size of a Star Destroyer, or so they say."
"That's absurd," the Marauder rejected. "No krayt dragon has ever been recorded at that size. It's just an old story."
"Yeah, you're right," the Sorcerer conceded. "It's about as absurd as seeking balance in the Force."
"Excuse me?" Aiden snapped as his head turned to meet the Mandalorian. "One should always strive to achieve balance. There is no light without dark."
"Spare me your nonsense, Aiden," Appius interrupted. "I've seen a lot since I joined this Brotherhood. The one thing I've learnt about the Force is that there's no such thing as balance. You are either light or dark because you lean one way or the other. Eventually, you either embrace the light or fall to your more primal instincts. I'm just wondering which one it will be for you."
Aiden stepped towards him, unperturbed by his theoretical hypocrisy.
"You have your creed, I have mine. Leave it at that and focus on the task at hand," the Arconan said with a small hint of a threat in his voice.
The two stood there, face to visor for a few moments, neither unwilling to budge.
"Fine," Appius conceded. "Whatever you say."
The Mandalorian gestured for the Marauder to lead them through a damaged archway that led to an outdoor exhibit. Aiden held out his remaining organic hand and forced the damaged metal to buckle as it screeched, forcing it to give way before he launched them to the side. Glancing back, he watched the Taldryanite shrug, a response of 'yeah, so what?' if there ever was one.
When the Arconan stepped outside he was greeted by a smell that made him scrunch his face and recoil. Appius joined him and was immediately thankful he had a helmet over his face.
"And I thought it smelled bad on the inside..."
The Mandalorian wasn't wrong. The air was tainted by a light green hue that was likely a blend of the Uskil swamplands and whatever the canyon krayt dragon's did here. The sand beneath their feet was coloured that same mossy colour, the trees were too and it looked more like they had stepped onto Felucia than the heart of the Brotherhood.
Aiden then spotted it out of the corner of his peripheral vision. As long as the Marauder was tall, it was beige with patches of grey dotted across its flesh. It was lizard-like in the way it moved, and its fangs looked like they could tear through solid beskar.
"There it is," Aiden whispered as he pointed out the twisted beast in front of them. "But where is the rest?"
"Who cares?" Appius responded. "It's by itself. This is as good a chance as any to separate it from the pack!"
The Arconan had to admit, the Taldryanite had a good point.
Though as Aiden approached the dragon in question, he noticed his Mandalorian partner had hung back, standing right where he was.
"Are you not going to help?" Aiden asked.
"Nope. It looks like you've got everything under control, so I'll keep an eye out for the others. It gives you a chance to show off some more," the Taldryan Quaestor replied as he folded his arms and leaned his back against the facility wall.
It was typical for a Taldryanite to give an Arconan a hard time. The rivalry between the two Clans spanned over the best of two decades, so why would now be any different?
It didn't matter. Aiden was nothing if not confident in his abilities. He was trained on Mandalorian customs, the honour of a fight, and he would prove himself once again. He took one more extra footstep into the sand as it crunched beneath him before his eyes widened and his heart rate quickened. The Force screamed like a klaxon at the back of his mind and he leapt out of the way of the krayt dragon as it jumped towards him, crashing against a tree and shredding it to pieces with its teeth and claws.
"Whoa…" Appius said as he watched in awe at the creature's display of power.
The sand was rough, coarse, got everywhere, and dragged across the Marauder's skin but he didn't care. He gripped hold of his two lightsaber hilts, one normal as a brilliant silver blade hissed to life and a smaller, violet blade snapped out of the shoto. The act grabbed the attention of the krayt dragon, as its head snapped towards the Arconan like a predator hungry for prey.
"Are they normally that fast?" Appius inquired nonchalantly. Not a moment after he finished his last word, the beast launched itself at Aiden at breakneck speed forcing the Marauder to once again leap out of the way thanks to the Force's warning.
"I could use your help!" The Arconan cried out. He could kill the reptile, but the Headmistress wanted it alive. Thus, it needed to be subdued without too much injury, so he was stuck evading it whilst it chomped and snapped dangerously close to his shins.
"Ugh, fine. Keep it distracted," Appius replied, rolling his eyes.
The canyon krayt dragon had Aiden backed into a corner, the Human's back against the wall with nowhere left to turn. Or at least, that was the intention. The balance adherent was ready to stab the creature through the heart. Frakk what the Headmistress wanted, this was a matter of life and death!
Yet, just as the creature lunged at the Arconan to deal the killing blow, it was then struck by a vicious bolt of lightning that hissed through the air and slammed into his ribs. The blow caused the ritually enhanced monster to careen to the side as it ground to a stop a few feet away from the Arconan’s boots in the sand.
"There, happy?" the Taldryanite asked with electricity humming between the fingertips of his hands. When Appius had taken a few steps towards the unconscious beast, Aiden lunged at him and held his silver lightsaber an inch away from Appius' visor. The two stood there, neither willing to budge.
"Are you trying to get me killed?" the smaller Human growled. "We are supposed to be working together!"
"Get that thing out of my face before I take it from you and shove it where the sun doesn't shine!" the Mandalorian threatened.
"I should have known better than to trust a Taldryanite," the Marauder started.
"Aiden..." Appius interrupted as he turned his head, his tone of voice suddenly a lot more serious in nature.
"I'm not done!" Aiden exclaimed. "I don't care what your reasoning is, but if you can't move past our Clan's differences then we have no hope in working together!"
"AIDEN!"
The Sorcerer's shout brought Aiden back to his senses as the Force roared through the Marauder's subconscious. The Arconan quickly reacted and pulled the two of them out of the way of an incoming bite from another krayt dragon. The second the two Humans hit the sand, they were made acutely aware of several more sets of red-eyed dragons everywhere they looked, surrounding them cattle for the slaughter.
What Went Well
The story and characterisation elements of your writing were really strong in this post. I liked how you set up the conflict between Aiden and Appius from early in the battle, instead of assuming that they’d get along just because they were supposed to be working together. The banter between the two was great; it seemed like you went out of your way to make Appius unlikeable, and IMO, you succeeded. In the same vein, you did a great job of getting into the respective characters’ heads, like Aiden’s disapproval of anyone twisting the Force to their will.
On the “external” front, your descriptions do a great job of getting the reader into the environment—maggots on a corpse, Appius hanging back from a fight, the colours of the trees and ground, sand crunching underfoot, and so on.
Room for Growth
Syntax-wise, you had a number of issues in this post. The most common ones were sentence structure problems, with both run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Your use of paragraph breaks sometimes made it difficult to follow the scene, in terms of who was talking or acting at any given time. Likewise, there were some issues with verb tenses not matching and pronouns getting mixed up, like when Appius blasted the krayt dragon that was attacking Aiden. You’d referred to the dragon as “it” up to that point, so having a “him” in there made things a little confusing (given Appius’ “for the evulz” attitude earlier in the post, it seemed like it wouldn’t have been impossible for him to “help” Aiden by blasting him out of the way with Force Lightning). There were also cases of missing words and of using the wrong words, like “unwilling” in place of “willing”.
The major Realism issue you had in this post came when Aiden “forced the damaged metal to buckle as it screeched, forcing it to give way”. What did Aiden actually do there? You say that Aiden held his hand out, and that the metal moved, but there’s no explanation of what happens between those two points. Without more information, it looks like the debris moving “just happened”, which obviously isn’t possible. Unfortunately, that earned you a major Realism detractor.
Suggestions
Work on improving your sentence structure. Purdue OWL’s pages on run-on sentences and sentence fragments are great resources for that. If you need help spotting where those errors happened in your post, feel free to contact me on Telegram.
On the Realism end, make sure you’re explicit enough about what a character is doing that the reader doesn’t have to guess. That isn’t normally an issue for you, but this post shows how much of a difference it can make.