Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz vs. Acolyte Ellac Conrat

Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Acolyte Ellac Conrat

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

First of all, thank you for competing and completing your match! This was a very interesting read. The power level discrepancy wasn’t a major factor here, which is unusual for a match between an Elder and an Acolyte, but it also isn’t that often we see co-operative matches like this.

Gonna hit both of your biggest syntax issues here, and it's a very common one because English is dumb and runs counter to itself all the bloody time.

It's = it is, Its = it belongs to, as in the possessive.

'The rancor clutched it's hand' is, despite everything else we know about possessives, wrong, 'the rancor clutched its hand' is correct and no I don't know why the British did this to us but it surely is their fault.

This was all over both of your writings. All over the place. Another thing you both hurt from was either ignoring how some powers worked as written in the system (Force Lightning was a major one). Remember, if you look at your character sheet there are tooltips if you click over skills and powers, that’ll show you how they ‘work’ in the system we’re constrained to without having to go wiki diving every five seconds. I’d also like to remind that the Judges aren’t the ones in charge of how these work, we’re just here to interpret them, if you think something should work differently, the Voice staff is responsible and welcomes feedback!

That said! The dynamic between Ellac and Kamjin was interesting to see. An older and more experienced FU mostly just goading the younger into doing most of the hard work was amusing to me. You both have a pretty good grasp on the story aspect of this thing, just work on your understanding of the system and keep writing because the talent is there!

Ellac, I hope we see more from you! Keep going!

Kamjin, I think you’re gaining a further understanding of how the current character sheet system is working, and would suggest you reach out to any other experienced ACCers in your unit (coughMunecough) when writing, proofing can be for realism, not just syntax after all, to help avoid problems in the future!

While this is cooperative we still have to settle on a winner, score-wise, which...with a final score of 3.3, Ellac is the winner!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz, Acolyte Ellac Conrat
Winner Acolyte Ellac Conrat
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Ellac Conrat's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 24 January, 2021 10:49 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Ellac Conrat
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Minor errors throughout, repeated with its vs it's, but nothing massive Rationale: You had a few errors in your first post and a lot in your second. Always get proofed!
Story - 40%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Ellac Conrat
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: You had a lot going on, but also a lot...not going on. This is collaborative, might want to parse yourself down by about 1k words a post. Rationale: There was a lot of action, some of it hard to follow when it got cluttered in the lead up to the end.
Realism - 25%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Ellac Conrat
Score: 1 Score: 4
Rationale: 3 Major detractors, as detailed in the post by post notes. The Rubric details that 'multiple major detractors' is how you end up with this core. Rationale: Minor issue in your end post in the writing of how Force Cloak works.
Continuity - 20%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Ellac Conrat
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issue in your end post concerning Ellac 'learning that lightsabers were better' after figuring that out in his own post, very minor. Rationale: The scent bit between Kamjin's opening and your first post, in the notes.
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Score: 2.9 Ellac Conrat's Score: 3.3
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Kamjin stood in the center of the docking port of the Corrino Research Laboratory overseeing the controlled chaos around him. Headmistress Ciara had put out a call to all the Clans to assist with some escaped animals and Clan Scholae Palatinae had responded by dispatching several platoons of troopers to assist the erstwhile creature handlers at the facility. An armored trooper approached him with the latest manifest as additional troop transports began to land.

“See to it that those neural darts are distributed to all the new arrivals,” Kamjin said while signing off on the proffered manifest. The trooper snapped the manifest under his arm, saluted, and ran off shouting orders at the disembarking troopers. Kamjin swatted a bug that had landed on his neck. He hated the jungle. He was far more comfortable in milder climates...or at least climates with less insects. Rubbing the sore spot where the bug had bit him, he continued on with his inspection tour.

As he approached the area where Ciara was standing giving instructions from her datapad to the various members of the Clans who had answered her call; Kamjin stopped to watch an interesting exchange take place.

“I’ve told you, you cannot be assigned until your Master arrives,” Ciara said exasperated, pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes and back behind her ear. Kamjin smiled to himself, remember that same tone when she first became a Consul. As she began to walk off, the young Acolyte followed after her.

“I’m sorry Headmistress. I don’t know what’s delayed him. If you could just provide me with my task, I could begin to familiarize myself with it before he arrives.”

Ciara sighed, her patience was clearly running thin, “I cannot send out a new Acolyte into the jungle without a Master. I will not be responsible for…”

Kamjin placed a hand on her shoulder, cutting her off mid-sentence, “Come now, Ciara, I’m sure we can find something for this young Acolyte to tend to.” Kamjin looked at the Acolyte and he looked familiar, “And you are?”

“Acolyte Ellac Conrat, mi’lord,” he said, eager to please someone who appeared to be intervening on his behalf.

“Ellac...hmm...You’re Sykes’s apprentice, correct?” Kamjin said, taking the measure of the man. He was slightly taller than Kamjin and still had that youthful look about him. He was fit, as was befitting of a member of the Brotherhood and despite a small scar under his right eye looked thoroughly green behind the ears.

“That’s correct. As I was explaining to the Headmistress, I currently do not know where he is and if she would just…” Kamjin raised his other hand, cutting him off.

“I happen to know where Sykes is, and he won’t be joining us for a while,” he removed his hand from Ciara’s shoulder and took the datapad from her. He scanned it briefly until one entry caught his eye. “Ciara, I’ll take young Ellac here under my charge,” as he tapped a few commands into the datapad. “We’ll be taking this assignment.”

Ciara looked at the entry that had been made and gave Kamjin a puzzled look, “Are you certain he can handle it?”

Kamjin chuckled, “I’m glad you didn’t ask if I could handle it.” He handed the datapad back to her and wrapped his arm around Ellac’s neck, squeezing him into an uncomfortable hug. As he stooped over to Kamjin’s height, Kamjin gave him a playful knock on his chin, “Of course Ellac can handle it. He’s a Palatinaean after all!” Ellac was left befuddled but nodded along slowly realizing he was getting his wish.

Ciara did not look convinced. However, Kamjin was an Adept and had served the Brotherhood longer than her. If he felt that he could handle it, she wasn’t going to stop him. “Very well, but while you’re gone, the rest of your forces still need to be mustered to their assignments.”

“Of course,” Kamjin said beckoning over a light grey skinned Togruta. “My apprentice, Dukwtape, will continue to oversee the Palatinaean forces in my absence.”

“Yes, Master,” Dukwtape responded crisply. His voice dripped with ambition at the opportunity to be left in charge in Kamjin’s absence.

“Excellent, well, looks like everything’s been arranged here,” he smiled as he released Ellac.

“Come on, Ellac, I assume you’ve got everything you need?”

“Yes, mi’lord, I’m ready to go when you are.”

“Good, I’m ready now,” and Kamjin started to walk towards the outer edge of the docking port. Ellac was left dumbfounded at the sight. There went Kamjin in his Sector Admiral uniform and his command cloak billowing behind him walking off into the jungle. Ellac jogged to catch up to him.

“Mi’lord, shouldn’t you change into more appropriate fatigues or armor before we embark on this assignment?”

“Nope, I’ve got everything I need with me. Plus, I have you,” Kamjin said reaching the edge of the docking port and jumping lightly to the ground below. Ellac, more cautiously, gauged the jump and then followed after him.

“Mi’lord,” Ellac started after making a crotched landing into the soft swampy soil.

“First lesson, no more ‘mi’lord’ business. Call me Maverick or, if you must, Sector Admiral.”

“Of course, mi’lo...Maverick.”

Kamjin nodded in approval as he found the path leading away from the docking port and further inland from the facility. As they trekked along, Ellac attempted to take a measure of the man who had come to his defense and saw to it that he was given this chance to prove himself. Despite his otherwise aloof personality, he radiated power. Even an Acolyte as himself could sense that. The fact that the Headmistress so easily bowed to his direction further proved he was not a person to be trifled with.

Ellac swatted at a swarm of insects that had started to swarm around them as they moved farther inland and the swamp lands became less regulated. Already his skin was starting to itch from their bites drawing out his ire. Yet, Kamjin never broke his stride as he looked as if he was enjoying a casual stroll through a park.Ellac was left to wonder how he was able to avoid all these annoying insects.

“Maverick,” he huffed keeping up with the brisk pace Kamjin had set for them, “which of the escaped experiments are we going after?” Ellac, finally abreast with Kamjin, began to match his stride. “Perhaps some Nexu or an Acklay!” Kamjin didn’t turn but muttered, “Nope.” Ellac was puzzled, he’d memorized all the beasts that were aligned with his detachment when they arrived. He figured he would have qualified for one of those two beasts given Sykes recent appraisal of his skills. Suddenly, Kamjin came to a stop. Ellac turned and reached out to him to see what had caused him to stop. The moment his fingers brushed Kamjin’s sleeve he received a small static shock.

Kamjin chuckled as Ellac reflexes caused him to snap back his hand in surprise. Ellac’s eyes went wide. Kamjin had been manipulating his Force Lightning to such a degree that he had created a static layer on his skin. Now that they had stopped walking and he could take a good look at Kamjin he noticed the insects were still swarming around him but as they came to land upon him they would curl up and fall to the ground electrocuted.

“Oh, Kark...what is that smell?” Now that they weren’t moving the stagnant air had surrounded them and reeked. Kamjin took in the terrain and motioned over to a small hill that was about half a body length taller than Ellac surrounded by a pool of water.

“Ellac, go take a sample of that water and soil.” If Ellac had bothered to look back he’d have seen a devious grin cross Kamjin’s face. Alas, he was too eager to please and rushed forward. Withdrawing his vibrodagger to serve as an impromptu shovel he approached the pile. As he drew closer, the stench became worse. Something akin to rotting vegetation mixed with the sickly smell of flesh. Suddenly, he was cautious as to what he was approaching. Suddenly, two things hit him at once. First, this was not soil at all and second, the sensation of his feet tripping and him falling face first into the pile of excrement and urine. He sputtered as it got in his mouth as he flailed to withdrawal from the pool. He retched up the filth that had gotten into his mouth and nose in addition to what remained of his morning meal. After a couple minutes, he was dry heaving and turned to look back at Kamjin.

“Well...your assessment?” Kamjin asked calmly.

Ellac, if he could feel anything other than the gritty taste left in his mouth and the burning sensation in his nose, would have felt raging hatred of Kamjin at that moment. A thought, however brief, went through his mind that Kamjin had tripped him on purpose. But that would have been insane. Why would Kamjin have done that? With great strength he sank his hand back into the pool and withdraw his dropped vibrodagger and attempted to wipe the blade clean on his tarnished robes.

“My assessment, Maverick,” he snapped out the name, “is that it’s poodoo!”

“Excellent, that is what we’re hunting,” Kamjin praised as if he was back at the Imperial Academy training new recruits who just discovered how to polish their brass.

Ellac was dumbfounded, “This...this is what we were hunting?”

“No, that,” Kamjin pointed to the three meter tall Rancor that was lazily eating the remains of what could have been one of the earlier expeditions into the swamp.

Towering easily twice as tall as Ellac, he suddenly felt a moment's hesitation for wanting to rush forth into the swamp. A gust of warm, noxious swamp gas came blowing past them towards the Rancor. The beast raised its head from its meal and sniffed the air. Slowly, it turned and took sight of them. It’s eyes blazed with ferocious energy at the sight of intruders within its territory. It dropped the carcass and rushed head first at Kamjin.

Kamjin, with an augmented grace, leaped out of the way of the swiping claw that attempted to grab him. Tumbling through the air, he landed perched on a nearby tree branch. The Rancor looked about, caught off guard by the quick movement, sniffing at the air. He turned and roared again at Kamjin before head butting into the tree. Kamjin shot his arm out to hold onto a protruding limb on the branch. As the Rancor looked up to see Kamjin still standing on the branch, he head butted the tree again. Leaves cascaded down upon the scene creating a curtain to the violence.

Ellac, shook himself out of the trance and remembered his training. Flipping the vibrodagger in his hand into a downward grasp, he charged at the Rancor. As he approached, he gracefully leaped up upon his knee, then using it as a springboard, flipped through the air above the Rancors head. Grasping the vibroblade now with both hands he brought it crashing down into the Rancor’s skull, feeling the blade vibrate as it passed through skin, muscle and skull; finally resting in the beast's brain. The light went out of beast’s eyes as it choked and sputtered. Muscles spasmed as it tried to reach up toward Ellac as it stumbled backwards and finally gave up the ghost. Ellac leapt clear as it crashed to the ground, sprawled out at the foot of the tree. Kamjin gingerly landed on the ground and walked over to Ellac. He grinned as he took in the sight of the dead Rancor as Ellac extracted his blade, “Well...your assessment?”

This time, Ellac felt differently about the prompt, “You intentionally had me fall into his waste so that it would mask my smell. You knew that any change in the wind would cause him to smell us and attack because we’re within his hunting grounds.” Ellac beamed as he continued his answer,

“So while you served as a distraction, I was able to take him out with ease.”

Kamjin nodded in approval, “Very good, Acolyte.” He knelt and began inspecting the Rancor.

“Ciara is going to be upset, we’ve killed her little experiment.” Ellac’s voice started to betray a hint of concern that his moment of martial prowess would now cause him to be caught with the Headmistress’s displeasure.

Kamjin stood and walked around the beast taking it in, “I don’t think so.”

“You...don’t think so? Why is that?”

“Well, this was a child and a relatively new one,” Kamjin pointed at several stretch marks on the Rancor near the joints where there were healed tears in it’s skin.

“A...child?” Ellac looked closer and tried to recall his knowledge about Rancors.

“Come on, we need to get going.” Kamjin stood brushing out the wrinkles in his uniform.

“Get going? Aren’t we finished?”

Kamjin offered Ellac the datapad he had clipped to his belt. Ellac looked at the entry that had been queued up.

It read: Shadow Academy experiment 512901-P. It’s long been known of the fighting skills and domestication of the Rancor for use as mounts and fighting companions by several native tribes. However, their overall size makes them easy targets for enemies to focus their fire upon. Given the time and energy needed to successfully breed and raise each Rancor these losses make their combat usability overall low for our purposes. Therefore, we have introduced several modifications into our female Rancor that has dramatically decreased the spawning time to something more aligned to that of a womp rat has yielded several births in rapid succession. In addition, we’ve introduced additional genetic material that enables parthenogenesis meaning the Rancor, and all her children, are perpetually pregnant. This has exponentially increased the population within a short period of time. Further experimentation is needed to facilitate the domestication efforts as being in a state of continued pregnancy has caused extreme territorial protectiveness and multiplied their aggressive behavior by a factor of three.

Ellac looked up from the datapad, “Then this means?”

“Correct, this was one of the children. Judging by the stretch marks and it’s overall size, probably not more than a couple weeks old.”

“Given how long they’ve been freed…” Ellac trailed off.

“There could be dozens of them by now.” Kamjin started heading off on the trail again.

“Where are you going? Don’t we need to call this in?”

“Oh no, you and I have got this. We just need to capture the original experiment. The rest of these are just fodder along the way.” Ellac couldn’t understand how Kamjin was so calm heading off into the nest of an angry, pregnant Rancor with a brood of angry, pregnant, daughters waiting for them.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2021 9:21 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You clearly identified the creature you and Ellac would be dealing with, as per the competition rules, thank you for that! You also gave it a twist with the introduced genetic mutations, which was nifty, if horrifying. Some of of your logic was sound (if disgusting, poor Ellac, I gagged), some...less so (not sure a vibrodagger is long enough to get through a rancor's skull but we'll let that one pass).

Can Be Improved


Syntax wise this was much better then the previous match I judged, you found a good proofer, only a couple of missing/extra commas.

Ellac looked up from the datapad, “Then this means?” “Correct, this was one of the children. Judging by the stretch marks and it’s overall size, probably not more than a couple weeks old.”

I feel like you were fixing something here and forgot to put words back in, as this exchange doesn't make any sense. What was Ellac correct about? He was asking a question.

And the meat of things. I'm going to do these out of order so I can end on the bigger of the two.

Kamjin, with an augmented grace, leaped out of the way of the swiping claw that attempted to grab him. This was a textbook usage of Amplification, and written well. But you don't have this power on your sheet, nor does Control Self enhance physical abilities like this. As the rubric states, writing a power not on the sheet is considered a Major Detractor.

The bigger one: the human bug zapper. This was interesting. A couple of arguments could be (and were) made, but ultimately Force Lightning, as written (a BURST of VIOLENT energy at a single target) means this was wildly contradictory to the power, which also falls under Major Detractor. It could be said the 'target' was Kamjin himself, but with the burst of violent energy part would have meant just frying yourself, not the bugs. This level of power modification would require a Feat, you might look into the Feat Suggestion Form the Voice has, as it is an interesting application of the power.

“You coming?” Kamjin called over his shoulder.

Ellac shook his head as he followed behind the Sector Admiral. His newfound ‘scent’ had successfully attracted quite a number of insects to him, some of them sticking to his clothes as he waded through the swarm. “Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“What made you decide to bring me along with you?” Ellac returned his Vibrodagger to the sheath on his leg.

Kamjin let a small smile set upon his mouth. “I wanted to see the fruit of your master’s labors for myself,” he said, gazing at the sky through the jungle canopy that enveloped them. “I’ve known your master for a long time. I want to know why he chose you.”

“So this is a test?”

“More or less,” Kamjin said.

“How am I doing so far?”

“You stink.”

“Really? I didn’t think I was doing that bad, actually,” Ellac said.

Kamjin looked over at the Acolyte, grinning from ear to ear. “No Ellac, you stink.”

A baffled look swept across the apprentice’s face. “That’s what I just- oh.”

“It’s okay. You’ll catch on,” Kamjin chuckled, turning his attention towards an unusual object to the side of the path. It was covered in a mesh of vines that had weaved themselves over its exposed face. “Give me that Vibrodagger.” Kamjin said, extending his hand out towards Ellac.

“What is it?” he asked as he handed the blade to the Admiral.

“It’s a piece of debris from the Nesolat.” Kamjin cut the vines away, revealing a damaged panel from a blast door, half buried in the swamp floor.

“Didn’t the Nesolat crash into the laboratory?,” Ellac asked as he peered at the eroded metal plate.

“Yes and no. The Nesolat was technically already destroyed before it hit the surface. This is one of the parts that struck down in the area, which means we’re getting close.” Kamjin handed the Vibrodagger back to Ellac. “You might want to hold onto this. Never know what else you may need to sample.”

“I think you should be the one taking the next sample,” Ellac said, re-sheathing his blade once again

“Well I think I’d like to see you jump in some more puddles.” Kamjin laughed as he continued down the path. “Oh look! There’s one right there!”

Ellac’s entire demeanor fell as his gut clenched, looking over at the liquid on the ground. Like before, a ‘hill’ stood in the middle of the pool. “But where’s the Rancor that left it there?”

“The pile looks fresh, so it’s probably nearby.”

‘Fresh’. A fowl taste clung to Ellac’s tongue has he struggled not to gag.

“You’re looking a little green, kiddo.”

“Let’s just find the Rancor, please,” Ellac said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Kamjin grinned as he jumped onto a nearby tree. “The Rancor is just on the other side of that boulder to your left,” he said, sitting down on the branch.

Ellac looked up to see his superior beaming down at him, a clear intent of mischief in his eyes. “What are you waiting for?,” Kamjin said.

“You’re not gonna help?”

“Consider this your moment to shine,” he said with glee, leaning against the trunk of tree.

Ellac drew the BlasTech A180 on his thigh as he turned towards the aforementioned boulder. “My moment to shine, huh?,” he said under his breath. “Well, what am I waiting for?”

Ellac leapt onto the rock, a small spark of light building in the palm of his free hand as he fired his blaster at the Rancor. The bolts dissipated without so much as a flinch from the beast as it charged at the young apprentice in a primal rage. Raising his other hand, the spark erupted in a flash, blinding the Rancor, causing it to stumble towards Ellac before it fell to the ground. Jumping off of the boulder onto the muddy swamp floor, the Acolyte returned his pistol to it’s holster, exchanging it for the lightsaber on his belt. The blade hissed to life as he raised the weapon above his head, poised to make the killing blow. The blinded creature, now more enraged than ever, took a sudden swipe at his stomach, ripping through his Armorweave Cloak as he narrowly escaped it’s claws.

“I liked this cloak,” Ellac said as he stared down at the tears in his garment. The Rancor picked itself off the ground as it turned its head toward him. It’s breath was dizzying, rancid with the stench of it’s last meal. Throwing itself at Ellac, the Rancor swiped ferociously at him as he dodge away again, landing next to the boulder. Without a moment’s hesitation, the Rancor dove at him again as his feet splashed in the marsh. Once more he dodge away, using the stone as a step to launch himself over to the path.

“How the kriff does it know where I am? It can’t see!” Ellac said, panting lightly.

“It can smell you,” Kamjin said nonchalantly from his perch.

Like lightning, his words clicked in Ellac’s mind. “Because I’m covered in poodoo.”

Kamjin nodded with his usual grin.

The beast, relentless in it’s pursuit of Ellac, rushed at him with a feral roar. Ellac turned his attention back to the terrifying sight before him, his gaze fixed on the Rancor’s still foggy eyes. The air between the creature and the young Sith began to shake as Ellac shifted the Force around the beast, bringing it to a near-halt in seconds. Kamjin raised a brow as he realized what the Acolyte had done.

Ellac ran forward at the Rancor as it staggered forward, leaping into the air with his lightsaber in hand, descending with a concentrated downward strike through its face. The air around the Rancor became still as it’s lifeless body fell to the ground at his feet.

Kamjin hopped out of the tree to path below him, clapping dramatically at Ellac. “Well done, Acolyte! You single handedly took down a Rancor!”

“You were much help.” Ellac said with a smirk, still winded from the fight.

“How will you ever learn anything if I fight all your battles for you?, he said, returning the smirk.

Ellac tried to slow his breathing, taking long, deep breaths in and out. “You know, It makes sense now, all of the things my master said about you.”

“Oh ho? I hope he’s not spreading any nasty rumors,” the Sector Admiral chuckled.

“There are few people that Sykes respects as much as he does you. He admires you, in his own way,” Ellac said.

Kamjin smiled at the young apprentice’s words. “And what about you?”

Ellac considered the question for a moment as he gazed absentmindedly down the path. “I’m undecided.”

“Then you’re smarter than most.” Kamjin said as he turned to start down the path again. “Speaking of smart decisions, we’d best pick up the pace. I saw the entrance to the lab when I was up in the tree.”

Ellac followed behind him as the pair continued on towards the rusted laboratory doors. Kamjin stopped just outside of the doorway which had been ripped open by something much bigger than himself. “Well…” Kamjin peered through the stale hallway air before looking back to Ellac. “Out of the frying pan, and into the fire.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2021 9:22 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had an excellent balance of action to banter here. You dealt with the (gag) incident with the rancor excrement (gag gag gag) well, and expanded on the young guy/old guy dynamic!

Can Be Improved


You had a few minor syntax issues here and there (dodge vs dodged being one).

Realism wise you were fine, but Continuity....

“It can smell you,” Kamjin said nonchalantly from his perch.

This contradicts the previous post, in which being covered in....that...made you blend in with your surroundings. From the setup you wrote leading up to the rancor fight, you're practically standing next to a pile of its own feces still as well.

Ellac looked at Kamjin and shook his head. He’s either insane or a genius, he thought to himself. Peering at the rusty doors, given everything else that had happened today, he didn’t know what to expect. Somethings going to happen. I just know something is going to happen. Turning back he asked, “Is it safe?”

“Safe, that’s a loaded question. What do you feel?” Kamjin retorted.

Ellac tried to hide that he rolled his eyes, it came across as an awkward eye flutter. This was how his day was going. From the initial thrill of being given an assignment to the horrible, gut retching, goo that now covered him and burned his nose, to nearly being killed twice by Rancors. With the promise that he most certainly would be facing mortal danger again shortly. All these thoughts ran through his head as he stared at those closed doors. Steeling himself, he reached out his mind, raising his hand forward palm open to help him focus forward into the lab.

Slowly he closed his eyes, and he began to see without seeing all the life around him. The insects wallowed in delight upon his body and the filth he was covered in. The trees and plants. As he probed forward the icy terror came upon him. He couldn’t tell for certain how many but there were a significant number of Rancors within the lab. He felt their pain. The constant state of being pregnant left them in, the agony of childbirth, the constant aches of their rapid growth as their bones stretched and their flesh tore. Then, in the center, the brightest blot of abject horror; the original experiment.

Ellac dropped his hand to his knee as he doubled over huffing from the exertion. He had risen rapidly through the ranks of the Brotherhood but had not yet fully mastered the fundamentals. As he raised his head, there was still that rusty door. It’s amazing how quickly the swamp air and moisture can eat through the material. Fine, FINE, what more could possibly happen to me today!

Standing up, he walked over to the door, placing both hands upon it he found the seam. Curling his fingers, he tried to gain leverage to begin pulling the doors apart. After several moments of struggling, he heard now an all to familiar clearing of the throat. Turning around, Kamjin was standing with his arms crossed, his command cloak draped across his shoulders, fluttering in the humid breeze. As Ellac gave him a look that screamed ‘What’ Kamjin poked his right hand out and spread out his three middle fingers he made a small waving motion.

Ugh, Ellac was annoyed, he had spent so long training himself without the Force he often neglected some of the subtler ways it could manipulate his surroundings. Taking a step back, he planted his feet, reaching out with both hands directly in front of him he clapped his hands together, concentrating, he rotated his hands until the back of each hand was touching. With considerable effort, he began to move his arms apart. As he moved, slowly, the rusty doors began to rattle. Rust shook off, and flakes fell to the ground. First by inches and then more rapidly, the door began to open.

Ellac beamed! He had done it. Looking back at Kamjin, he saw the elder nodding his head in approval before motioning with his hand for him to head into the lab. Feeling resolved, Ellac stood tall and strolled through the threshold. I was working myself up over nothing. It was just a rusty door. As his foot crossed the threshold, a loud crack could be heard. As he paused listening to identify the threat, there came a rapid succession of pops, whistles, and crackling. Then, the hydraulic fluid rigging burst above the door, dousing Ellac in the thick lubricant.

He stood there, in shock, his arms and legs spread out as the fluid continued to flood out onto him. His short hair was matted onto his forehead. As the fluid slowed to a trickle, Kamjin strolled forward and went to pat poor Ellac on his back to comfort him, he pulled up short rethinking touching the Acolyte.

“I’m sure that’ll workout for the better in the end. Come on, Ellac, we’re nearly there.” Kamjin said as he stepped past Ellac into the entryway. Kamjin looked around, to Ellac it appeared as if he was looking off in random directions. However, Kamjin was effortlessly searching the building such as Ellac had earlier. He weighed whether or not to start another lesson with Ellac or, sensing what lay in wait, just get to the point. Ellac, made the decision for him.

With heavy, sloshing steps, Ellac walked past Kamjin, “Let’s get this over with!” His footsteps reverberated through the large, empty entryway. As one would expect of a lab dealing with beasts like Rancors, or worse, the facility was massive. Broken skylights, several stories above them, let broken rays of sunshine through. This cast stark shadows throughout the room and the numerous hallways that led off deeper into the facility. Whether Ellac knew it or not, he was heading in the right direction.

“You’re certain you want to head that way?” Kamjin inquired to Ellac’s back as he continued to walk down the hallway. Ellac nodded his head, shaking the various fluids that were covering his head off to splatter onto the floor. Kamjin shrugged and followed behind. After a while, they approached a pair of tremendous doors which had been ripped off their hinges. Through the opening was a massive habitat that had been developed to test the experimented upon beasts in a controlled environment. Ellac went to inspect the fallen doors, “Look at these claw marks! Do you think a Rancor did this or some other beast?”

“I am confident it was the Rancors; look.”

Ellac looked through the opening into the stretching man-made landscape. He could see movement as various trees moved and every now and then the head of a Rancor could be seen. There were dozens that he could see, easily four to five meters tall with untold smaller ones hidden beneath the treeline. Kamjin came to stand next to Ellac.

“We’re going to have to make it across to get to the main pen where the original experiment is most likely staying; assuming she’s opted to return to her cage,” Kamjin pointed out the general direction that they would need to follow.

“How are we going to get there?”

“We…” Kamjin let the word hang in the air, “aren’t going anywhere. You will be going.”

“Wha…” Ellac gaped at Kamjin, instantly regretting leaving his mouth wide open for an extended period as the sticky fluids dripped into his mouth. Sputtering, he continued, “What do you...mean...me?!”

“You’re the one ideally suited for this task. You’re covered in a hydraulic fluid which should make you difficult to grasp. You’re,” he gingerly sniffed the air, “Still have your scent masked well enough to not to be noticed. I’d wager you’d have to fight no more than half a dozen before you reach the door.”

Ellac wanted to complain. He wanted to shout at the unfairness of it all but then the voice of Sykes rang into his head, “The Dark Side feeds on your passions, even the negative passions. Use it to sharpen yourself into the ultimate weapon.” This resolved his will. He drew his A180 blaster.

“No, you won’t be needing that here,” Kamjin commanded.

Ellac slowly holstered his blaster and unclipped his lightsaber. His grip felt off with the various substances coding his hand but he felt...different. There was a greater strength holding his lightsaber than he felt when holding his blaster or vibrodagger. Double checking the path Kamjin had laid out, he set off jogging into the thicket.

Kamjin watched as Ellac disappeared amongst the overgrowth in the habitat. As soon as he was out of sight, he collapsed into the wall. He was exhausted. While Ellac probably couldn’t feel it, he had been reaching deep into the Dark Side, meditating on the conflicts Ellac had been in, to give him the edge. He was strong in the Force but still young and untested. Kamjin exhaled and let his stiffened muscles relax. He was lucky to have been able to remove himself from the earlier conflicts to be able to focus his attention on nudging Ellac along.

Off in the distance he heard a roar and the snap-hiss of a lightsaber being ignited. He listened closely and heard the thuds of the Rancor stomping after Ellac. Then a whoosh and a howl of pain before a dull echo through the ground. Ellac must have taken off a limb. A few moments later he heard the crash of the Rancor. He smiled, Good, he should be learning how easier it is to disarm with a lightsaber than distract with a blaster.

The Rancors were clearly aware now that somewhere, something, had entered their territory. If you could call it communication, they clearly were beginning to work as a pack to try and find who would dare disturb their lair. Kamjin propped himself up and listened to the confused calls across the land, and he savored the dark ripples through the Force as they both feared for their young and raged.

More distance now another series of wooshes in rapid succession. The howls of tormented pain worked to rejuvenate Kamjin’s strength. Trees crashed, and Kamjin saw the canopy sway as they fell. He heard two distinctive growls and sighs as these rancors were crushed beneath the trunks Ellac had chopped down.

Kamjin was able to rise again; feeling renewed. He had not been meditating for this battle, and Ellac was still maintaining himself. Then, a different voice rang out in pain; Ellac’s. It echoed in the Force. Good, he thought, pain is an excellent instructor. He’ll remember this lesson for a long time. It was time to go. To the sound of battle Kamjin finally entered into the habitant.

Elsewhere, Ellac stood off against four infant Rancors. Heh, no more than six, he reflected. Sure, Kamjin, you definitely know how to count. I’m not even there yet. He had already taken out two larger Rancors before being set upon by these infants hunting in a pack. Blood seeped from his head, mixing with the filth and lubricant that had begun to dry. As it oozed out it traveled through the cracked rivers on his face. The wound gave him focus. His left eye, ripped from its socket, hung useless. Ellac ripped it loose and flung it away with his left hand as his right kept his blade elevated at the pack; forcing them to keep their distance.

As he hoped, the Rancors followed the sight of the piece of meat and turned their force after it. As they started to bump into each other to fight for the easier to obtain meal Ellac was upon them. Rushing in under the nearest one’s arms, he sliced up with his crimson blade. The creature's jaw split in two as a burned line was etched between its eyes. As it collapsed the others were now confused, split between the morsel that had been tossed aside versus the banquet of their sister. Ellac leapt upon the next hacking down upon its arm before spinning and slashing it’s abdomen open while avoiding it’s other grasping claw. As its entrails spilled out, the remaining two rushed passed Ellac, intent upon feasting on their siblings.

While another may have used this opportunity to escape, Ellac, now enraged with the might of the Dark Side had other plans. The sisters began to claw off pieces of meat, their mouths wet with saliva and blood as chunks of flesh fell as they chewed. Too young to realize a threat remained they had become entrapped with their hunger. Savoring the moment, jabbed his saber into the back of the skull of one. It’s brain severed from its spinal cord caused it to begin to thrash wildly. He sidestepped the thrashes and sliced down through the head of the last Rancor. Poetically slicing through it’s left eye in the same manner it had taken his.

Sweat sung his remaining eye but trying to wipe it away would only make things worse given everything that was caked on him from the day. Blinking, he saw that he was nearly to the entrance to where the ‘Mother’ should be. He didn’t feel pain. He thought he should. Yet, he felt...focused. Strong. Was this the power of the Dark Side Sykes was always teaching about? Should he would be able to show his power to Kamjin when he reached his final objective. Once he exited the treeline, there would just be a hundred meters to go.

As he approached the final opening, a deafening roar called out. The largest Rancor he had seen yet, easily topping the five meters Rancors usually could grow to stood before him and his goal. He was ready. This was nothing to him. He had taken out a half dozen Rancors, and this would be no different. He felt the dark energies swirl within him. As if a typhoon had been bottled within his body; barely contained. He let loose his battle cry mixing with the Rancor’s response. As he began his charge, he was stopped short.

Despite there being a clear sky, a raging lightning storm had descended upon the Rancor. It thrashed wildly as it’s muscles spasmed uncontrollably. Ellac watched as it’s skeleton glowed and became visible through its skin. As he looked, he noticed the lightning was not coming from above but rather was coming up from the ground. His mind was slow to reconcile how lightning could be striking up.

The Rancor shook so violently its knees buckled and it collapsed to the ground. A brilliant red blade sliced effortlessly through its head leaving its mouth agape as its carcass smoked. Ellac walked forward and came to kneel before Kamjin. “I...I didn’t know you were so powerful.”

Kamjin motioned for Ellac to rise. As he did, Kamjin grasped his chin and turned his head so he could see the hollowed socket of his destroyed left eye. “No, you didn’t. But now you know how powerful these beasts are.” Kamjin withdrew his hand, “You’ve learned something here today haven’t you.”

Ellac nodded, the youthful eagerness of the morning replaced with a steeled resolve. Nothing more needed to be said. Kamjin turned and together they headed into the lair.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2021 9:23 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


This post had solid pacing and a wide array of sequences that were chained together smoothly. Storytelling is a strength and you've shown you can do it here.

Your utilization of Ellac's Berserker aspect was fun to see as well. Continue taking advantage of sheet aspects to help make things fluid, that'll help your story score overall!

Can Be Improved


Ellac tearing his own wounded eye out by the optic nerve without so much as a blink (sorry, sorry....) was more than stretching the limits of believability, he's got a Stamina of +2 and should have been crippled by that injury, at least in the short term, as nothing leading up to it suggested he was already in a berserker like state. As is, he didn’t even seem to feel it.

As the two men approached the entrance to main experiment’s den, Kamjin noticed a fresh streak of blood on the ground trailing directly into the room, suggesting that something had been dragged through the doorway. Unimpressed, the men continued on without pause, following the streak through the creaking doors as they slid open.

It was slightly smaller that the previous area, the overgrowth being the only consistency between them. The walls were draped with vines that hung from cracks in their surfaces, multiple of the trees scattered throughout the room had been knocked down, and the soil had been heavily disturbed in various places, revealing mounds of bones and rotting flesh from under the dirt. To the left of the pair, hunched over beside one of the few standing trees, was a rancor, cleaning it’s teeth with its claws. Next to her was her infant, picking through its mother’s scraps. To the right of the room, another adult was sleeping next to a boulder. Behind this one, near the furthest-most wall, was a third adult, gnawing on what looked like an arm of another rancor, presumably the kill that had been dragged through the door. The feasting rancor’s skin was unusually more red than the rusty brown tone of an average rancor, and it’s teeth and claws, while proportionate to the rest of it’s body, were about a foot longer than normal. This was the ‘Mother’.

The sound from the doors sliding open bounced around the room, drawing the attention of the beasts to the two men. Kamjin looked over to Ellac with a nod as he cloaked himself with the Force, vanishing from sight.

Ellac turned back to the rancors as they approached him, drawing his lightsaber once again. The left side of his face burned as sweat began to pour into the wound where his eye used to be. The thumps of the rancors’ steps towards him synced with the pounding of his chest as a sudden fear began to rise in him. His hands tremored as his master’s words echoed through his mind.

“When your body fails you, and your mind betrays you, remember the code-

Peace is a lie.” Ellac repeated Sykes distant words aloud. “There is only passion,” he said, igniting his blade. “Through passion I gain strength.” The fear that was rising in him began to shift into rage. “Through strength I gain power.” Ellac’s eyesight focused on his foes as they moved towards him. “Through power I gain victory.” His words becoming more intense with every syllable. “Through victory my chains are broken.” His muscles screamed as an unfamiliar power surged through his body. “The Force-,” he paused as one of the rancors swiped at him. Ellac raised his blood-red blade, swiftly severing the beast’s hand as he leapt over its claws. Returning gracefully to the ground, he recited the last part of the code as the rancor howled in pain. “The Force shall free me.

Jumping onto the wounded rancor’s shoulder, Ellac sunk his blade into it’s eye, sending it into a frenzy as it thrashed at the young man. Hopping over to the other shoulder, Ellac extended his hand towards another one of the nearby beasts, manipulating the Force to pull it headfirst into the rancor that he was standing on. The two creatures stumbled forward as they crashed into each other, toppling over as Ellac jumped back down to the ground, facing the ‘Mother’ rancor and her infant spawn.

The infant ran forward at the young Sith, swinging clumsily at Ellac as he dodged under it’s arm, catching it’s leg with his lightsaber, slicing clean through it. As the rancor fell, Ellac spun around, shoving the tip of his blade through it’s head.

Meanwhile, a crimson blade flipped through the air behind Ellac before plunging into the chest of one of the first two rancors on the ground. Reappearing as quickly as he vanished, Kamjin jerked the blade to the side as he knelt upon the rancor. The beast convulsed before lying lifeless on the ground. Kamjin stood up in his usual poised demeanor, pulling his lightsaber out of the body as he turned to face the other rancor. Kamjin’s face slowly twisted into a grin as the other rancor picked itself off the ground. With a snarl, the beast raised it’s elongated arms over its head, slamming it’s fists down towards Kamjin with a primal force. Hopping off it’s dead sibling, Kamjin landed on the ground as the rancor slammed down on the carcass. The adept rose to his feet, rushing underneath the creature, slashing at its ankles before jumping onto it’s back. The rancor flailed, reaching and spinning around in an attempt to throw him off. Kamjin shoved his blade into its spine as he retrieved his second lightsaber, igniting it into the rancor’s shoulder blade before sliding both blades down its back before dropping to the ground as the rancor slammed into a one of the trees. The rancor staggered backwards as it collapsed, it’s damaged spine unable to support its weight. Kamjin stepped up onto it’s arm before burying both of his blades in the creature’s heart, killing it instantly.

Kamjin looked over to Ellac as he faced off against the last beast. Kamjin closed his eyes for a brief moment, a second Kamjin appearing next to adept. The image jumped over to Ellac as the mother rancor lashed out at the two men, flung it’s tail around at them. Kamjin’s image jumped back as the rancor spun around, Ellac flipping over it’s appendage as an idea popped into mind. Ellac drew his vibrodagger as his feet hit the ground.

“Maverick!,” he called at the true Kamjin, raising the dagger above his head. “We can use this as a conductor.”

Kamjin smiled as he nodded, looking back to the mother experiment. The beast roared, it’s fist crashing into the ground, throwing a cloud of dirt into the air. Ellac and Kamjin’s illusion dashed together at the rancor.

The adept’s image slid underneath the rancor as it clawed at the ground beneath it’s feet. Ellac jumped onto it’s forearm, running up to it’s shoulder, dragging his lightsaber blade through it’s arm as he moved. Ellac flipped over it’s head, sinking the vibrodagger into the rancor’s back between it’s shoulder blades as he dropped to the ground, leaving the blade lodged in the beast. As the mother rancor thrashed around, twisting and swiping at anything it’s claws could make contact with, it’s tail whipped into the air, cracking Ellac in the ribs before his feet touched the ground. Ellac rolled across the ground as his bones fracturing in the force of the impact. Ellac pushed himself to his knees, spewing blood onto the soil beneath him. The vision in his eye blurred as his chest tightened in pain, looking up to see the rancor turning towards the illusion.

Kamjin’s nose dripped with sweat as he looked over to Ellac hunched over behind the beast. His attention was drawn back to the rancor as it screamed out in rage as it leaned over to pick up one of the fallen trees laying on the ground. It’s claws wrapped around the trunk as it swung the tree over it’s head, slamming it down into the earth as Kamjin’s illusion faded away. The beast growled in confusion as Kamjin ran at it, clipping his lightsaber on his belt. The creature spotting him as eye, it picked the tree off the ground, hurling it at the adept. Kamjin leapt over the log as it flew towards him, using it as a step to propel himself above the rancor. Kamjin locked his eyes on the beast a he soared above it, fixing his eyes on the vibrodagger sticking out of it’s back. A quick arc of lightning shot out from Kamjin’s fingertips, causing the beast to flinch away. Kamjin landed on it’s head, immediately hopping down to it’s slopped back, clinging to the vibrodagger, charging the blade with as electricity. The beast froze as it’s muscles seized involuntarily, the lightning coursing through it’s body. Kamjin released the charge, allowing the beast to hunch over, falling to it’s hands and knees. It growled as it huffed out several ragged breaths. As the beast attempted to rise, Kamjin sent another charge through the vibrodagger. The beast seized again as the electricity wore away at it’s consciousness. Kamjin let the charge disperse once more, the rancor falling onto it’s chest. It whimpered as it’s tense muscle tremored. Kamjin sent a final charge into the blade. The experimental rancor stiffened, before resting limply on the dirt beneath it.

Kamjin pulled the vibrodagger from the creature’s back, leaping off of the unconscious rancor. He trotted over to Ellac, who was lying on his back, focusing on maintaining his breath. Dried blood caked onto his mouth, mixing with the rest of the ‘fluids’ on his body.

“You’ve certainly been through today.” Kamjin chuckled looking down at Ellac.

“Did we…” Ellac’s voice trailed off.

“Yep. We got her.” Kamjin said, pointing to the rancor on the ground. “Now, let’s get you back to your master, shall we?” Kamjin knelt down, gingerly helping him to his feet. Kamjin took the holoprojector from Ellac’s belt, holding up as a figure flickered into sight. “Ciara. We’ve got your beast.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 28 January, 2021 9:23 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


A succinct and clear conclusion! The beast is laid low and still alive, if viciously mangled. You had a ton of action in this post, like....a good eighty percent of it was just fighting, and most of it was easy to follow.

Can Be Improved


I feel like you forgot to get this proofed, compared to your first post this was a syntax error wonderland mate.

Realism wise, from how you wrote it, we have an issue with Force Cloak, since it requires the user to be immobile, which means...

Kamjin looked over to Ellac with a nod as he cloaked himself with the Force, vanishing from sight. he paused as one of the rancors swiped at him. Ellac raised his blood-red blade, swiftly severing the beast’s hand as he leapt over its claws.

This was a neat sequence of fighting, and easy to envision. So easy that I'm wondering how Kamjin didn't get eviscerated by the claws since he was cloaked and didn't drop that till later, which means he couldn't have possibly dodged that attack.