Acolyte Ellac Conrat vs. Battlemaster Sykes Jade

Acolyte Ellac Conrat

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Battlemaster Sykes Jade

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
Comment

First of all, let me begin by thanking you both for your patience with this battle's grading amidst an ongoing ACC event. It is much appreciated, especially as this match was such a pleasure to sink teeth into for any fan of Star Wars, Dark Siders, or Sith.

Both of you possess extremely strong Syntax with only consistent, minor errors to show, and you both did a fantastic job telling the story you wanted to tell. This battle felt very synchronized, like you as Master and Apprentice were writing for each other and two each other, and that dedication and those themes were clear in the reading experience. As I say in the commentary, reading this was like watching genuine Star Wars content. You clearly both love the fandom and especially intend to be a true Sith pair. I await the battle between you when the Rule of Two comes into play and we get to see if the Apprentice becomes the Master (hint hint).

Ellac, you had some Realism hiccups in your second post concerning how quickly and effectively your character could do a lot in sequence. Sykes, your error popped up in some visual depiction of Precognition and some confusion in your final post. These things, and your Syntax errors, are all easily fixed, so please don't be turned off by the length of my comments. They're only to try and help teach. You're both solid writers, and I'm honored to have graded the start of this conflict between your characters.

That said, there can only be one winner, and that is Ellac Conrat. Congratulations, and I look forward to seeing each of you in your battles to come.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Ellac Conrat, Battlemaster Sykes Jade
Winner Acolyte Ellac Conrat
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Ellac Conrat's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Sykes Jade's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 18 February, 2021 1:57 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Battlelord Sykes Jade Ellac Conrat
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: A few minor errors throughout. Rationale: A few minor errors throughout.
Story - 40%
Battlelord Sykes Jade Ellac Conrat
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Solid combat in each post, extremely dramatic and satisfying conclusion, held back from advantage only by one detractor, see comments. Rationale: Solid combat in each post and establishment of dramatic themes.
Realism - 25%
Battlelord Sykes Jade Ellac Conrat
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One Minor Detractor in the first post concerning Precognition. Rationale: Two Minor Detractors in the second post, see comments.
Continuity - 20%
Battlelord Sykes Jade Ellac Conrat
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: No errors found.
Battlelord Sykes Jade's Score: 4.2 Ellac Conrat's Score: 4.47
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumored to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

“So this is Dromund Kaas.” Ellac had only heard legends of the Sith capital of eons past, but had never seen it with his own two eyes before. The sky was veiled by a thick sheet of clouds that flashed as lightning streaked behind them. Ellac looked down from the open shuttle bay as the light from the storm revealed the open platform beneath him.

In a flash of white, a bolt of lightning shot through the air beside the shuttle, causing the ship to shake as the onboard systems launched into an electrical fritz. Ellac shot his hand out, grasping one of the hand-holds on the wall to catch himself. His comlink beeped as the shuttle began to stabilize, the pilot’s voice coming through the earpiece.

“The storms are interfering with my systems,” he said. “I can’t put her down here, we’re going to have to find another LZ.”

Ellac stared down at the paved platform below as he gauged the distance to the ground. “Don’t worry about finding another spot to land. I’m going down from here. I’ll contact you when I’m finished,” he said as he pulled the hood of his Armorweave cloak over his head. Making sure to secure his gear, he leapt off the boarding ramp, his boots meeting the stone surface with a heavy thump.

Thunder rumbled overhead as Ellac peered up at the structure before him. The ancient temple had fallen far from it’s former glory, having been abandoned to the guiles of time. The courtyard stood a desolate pile of rubble. Moss and vines sprouted from cracks in the courtyard floor, climbing up pillars and covering the base of the temple. Ellac rose to his feet, his boots knocking against the old stone as he passed between two rows of statues lined up on either side of the entrance, their heads turned solemnly to the ground. Passing underneath the ancient archway above his head, Ellac paused, noticing several faults in the pillars of the arch. “This isn’t a temple. It’s a tomb,” he thought. “Oh well. If the temple doesn’t kill me, Sykes probably will.” Resigning himself to whatever fate awaited him, he continued through the doorway.

Ellac’s footsteps echoed through the building as he climbed the stairs leading into the main hall. The central auditorium had seen much better days. The walls and ceiling of the room had crumbled, leaving gaping holes in the confines of the temple. The hallways leading deeper into the structure were collapsed, cutting off all access to the various chambers. An enormous balcony stretched across the length of the room, supported by numerous pillars. Like the courtyard outside, two rows of statues stood on either side of the central hall, their heads bowed in the same manner. Towering at the far side of the great hall stood a unique sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, its arms raised high above the lesser statues. Despite it’s age, the chiseled image remained untouched by time, the only sign of damage being a diagonal slice that ran right through the middle of the statue.

Standing in the center of the chamber with his back to his apprentice, Sykes stared up at the pure blood sculpture, adorned in a full set of matte black beskar armor. “You’re late,” Sykes said, his voice bouncing around the hall. “You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago.”

“Sorry. I had some trouble finding the right hangar when I went to meet up with the shuttle pilot. I’m still trying to get my bearings,” Ellac said, making his way towards his master.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sykes said, turning to face his apprentice. “I’ll let it slide this time, but going forward, I expect you to be on time.”

“Understood.” Ellac came to a halt right next to Sykes, looking up at the Sith sculpture towering above him. “So, what is it you summoned me here for?”

“I wanted to talk with you away from prying ears.” Sykes said, taking a few steps past Ellac. “You have potential, Ellac. A potential that I want to see you wholeheartedly embrace. It’s time for you to move beyond simply being a Dark Jedi. Today, you become a true Sith,” Sykes said as he turned towards Ellac.

“A true Sith?”

“You know how to tap into the Dark Side of the Force, but you keep holding yourself back. You let your doubt and your fear hinder you instead of using your emotions to break your limits,” Sykes said.

“What limits?,” Ellac asked.

“You fear that if you surrender to your emotions, they’ll consume you. You doubt your ability to protect the people you hold dear. You doubt your strength because you don’t realize that those fears, those insecurities and doubts in your mind, are all fuel for the fire that rages inside of you. The Dark Side feeds on your passions, even the negative passions. Use it to sharpen yourself into the ultimate weapon.”

Sykes words echoed through Ellac’s mind. “You’re talking about the Sith Code…”

Sykes smirked underneath his helmet. “Yes.”

Ellac looked back up at the image of the pure-blood Sith. A symbol of power standing above the lesser statues as they turned their eyes away from the Sith. Ellac turned back to Sykes. “Teach me.”

The smirk lingered on Sykes’ face as he drew his lightsabers from his belt, igniting them in a flash of white and red. Ellac did the same with his lightsaber.

Sykes dug the tip of his white blade into the ground as he began to circle around Ellac. “The first thing you need to understand is this: The code isn’t a set of rules that we follow. It’s who we are as Sith. For instance: ‘Peace is a lie’.”

Sykes ran at Ellac with a flurry of attacks, aiming at exposed appendages and joints, anything that he might be able to get a blade into. The beskar weighed on him as he moved, but Sykes knew how to distribute the weight when he attacked. Ellac whipped and twisted as he narrowly avoided the incoming blades. One of Sykes blades clipped Ellac’s hood as he ducked away, causing it to drop back down onto his shoulders.

“You could’ve taken my eye out!” Ellac yelled.

“That was the idea. I wanted you to panic.” Sykes said.

“Why?”

“Because you need to learn how to feed on that panic. You need to know how to use it. This is the downfall of the Jedi. They believe that their strength comes from ignoring their emotions. But what happens when they’re faced with something they can’t ignore? They’re not trained for that. They hesitate and they start to break down as their emotions overwhelm them. This is why we say that ‘peace is a lie’. It’s an illusion. Peace makes you feel safe. It makes you comfortable. It makes you vulnerable.”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 5 March, 2021 3:06 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Thunder rumbled overhead as Ellac peered up at the structure before him. The ancient temple had fallen far from it’s former glory, having been abandoned to the guiles of time. The courtyard stood a desolate pile of rubble. Moss and vines sprouted from cracks in the courtyard floor, climbing up pillars and covering the base of the temple. Ellac rose to his feet, his boots knocking against the old stone as he passed between two rows of statues lined up on either side of the entrance, their heads turned solemnly to the ground. Passing underneath the ancient archway above his head, Ellac paused, noticing several faults in the pillars of the arch. “This isn’t a temple. It’s a tomb,” he thought.

You came right out of the gate with some very strong, lovely descriptive imagery to set both the scene and detail the combat you began, which was also strong. I was frankly impressed to see such extremely clean, descriptive, dramatic writing from a newcomer to the club and ACC, but you take to it like a fish to water. Your entire post read like watching an episode of The Clone Wars, or a cut scene from Star Wars: The Old Republic. Very on brand, very Sithy, very operatic in setting up a clash of Master and Apprentice and a sure to be painful lesson. Compliments to the dramatic emphasis at the end of, "It makes you vulnerable." That is chills-worthy.


Can Be Improved

There's rather little to be said here for this post in particular, as you avoided any common errors aside from a few minor blips in Syntax, small enough to be readable nonetheless.

Sykes dug the tip of his white blade into the ground as he began to circle around Ellac. “The first thing you need to understand is this: The code isn’t a set of rules that we follow. It’s who we are as Sith. For instance: ‘Peace is a lie’.”

Of note, you had begun an explanation/a list item with a colon but capitalized the first letter to come after it, when it should be lowercase, as the sentence is continuing. Another minor quibble would be that punctuation should always be inside quotations, including when speakers are quoting something, in this case, "...For instance: 'Peace is a lie.'" Funny enough, the fact that peace is capitalized there is alright after the colon because he is quoting a code which capitalizes it as a proper noun.

One of Sykes blades clipped Ellac’s hood as he ducked away, causing it to drop back down onto his shoulders.

You missed the possessive apostrophe here. Either Skyes' or Skyes's would be correct.

Overall, if I were to recommend anything to you for improvement, it would be to stretch your legs creatively a little bit in your story. As I said, this post reads like a cutscene produced by the franchise itself...which is good, but also, by the book, so to speak. You have the potential to do more while staying true to the themes and beats of Star Wars, and I encourage you to explore that in your future battles within the unique little playground of the DJB.

Sykes took a few steps back away from his Apprentice, drawing the blade of his saber through the ground. All around him he could feel the energies of the Dark Side swirling. Dromund Kaas was a volatile world and there were deep roots of Sith in this temple. “You must harness your fear. Use it to feed your anger. Your body and your lightsaber are extensions of yourself,” he brought his eyes up and looked hard at Ellac through the HUD in his helmet. “Now come on. Show me what you have learned from the training cadre.” He brought both of his blades up, turning slightly and setting his feet to prepare. His silver blade came up in his right hand while his red shoto blade set itself to parry any other attacks. His own emotions began to flare as he touched the well of darkness within him.

Ellac rushed forward and brought his saber up over his head. He could feel what Sykes was trying to do to him and resolved himself to not fall for it. His scarlet blade started to come down but at the last second he readjusted his grip and turned the overhead slash into a rising swing, intent on going under his Master’s defense. Sykes parried the blade to the side with his shorter blade and lunged at Ellac, but the younger man was ready. He brought his blade back around, spun into Sykes’ strike and went to bring his blade around in a vicious horizontal slash at his Master’s face.

The Marauder felt the danger and ducked low, the younger man’s blade barely missing the top of his helmet. He brought his right leg down and stepped through Ellac’s legs and put his entire body weight into his shoulder, connecting with his opponent's body and sending his apprentice tumbling to the ground. Sykes pulled back, shutting down his shoto blade and replacing it on his belt. “Very good. Your style of fighting needs all of your emotions to harness. Feel the anger flowing through you.” The older Sith flourished his silver blade and set himself in a dueler’s stance. “Now, again.”

Ellac rose and brought his blade back up into a two-handed grip. He was angry that he had been taken off his feet so quickly. He could feel it rising within him as he cautiously moved forward. ”There is only passion.” he thought to himself, finishing the next line of the Sith code. Slowly his mind moved deeper into his form. The lightsaber in his hand seemed to leap to life on its own as he brought it up and around high, bouncing off his opponents blade and redirecting low.

Sykes smiled under his helmet as he quickly parried and blocked the low sweep. He had settled into his own battlemind. When he looked at Ellac, he could almost see an after image moving in different ways. It was his apprentice deciding on his next strikes and when the body moved into one of the ghostly forms, Sykes twisted his blade and moved back and forth along the lines to counter each of the younger man’s strikes. He could feel the anger and frustration growing in his student. “That’s it! More. Give me more!” He cried out, his voice amplified by the modulator in his helmet.

Ellac’s emotions began to peak as his blade moved in a flurry striking high and low, his body spinning trying to get through his Master’s defense. He got in close, avoiding the counter attacks the older Sith threw in and focused his mind. For a bare second, Sykes’ movements seemed to slow down and he brought his lightsaber down hard. His blade landed solidly into the upper arm of his Master but the Beskar held and deflected the blow.

Sykes immediately drew back and smiled. “Very good.” He had felt the impact of the lightsaber but his armor had held. “That is how we fight. There is nothing fair about combat. Your passion gives you strength and will lead you to power. War is coming to our Clan, my Apprentice. You must be prepared for all eventualities.” On the last word Sykes threw out his left hand and from his bracer, flame spat out engulfing his student.

Ellac’s jumped back almost immediately but not before the flames had touched his face. He quickly patted out a few flames on his robe and could feel the skin tighten on his face. He raised his hand to touch his cheek but pulled away from the pain he felt there. His eyebrows had turned to ash and his face was red from the flash burn. “What are you doing?!” he cried out in pain, tears welling in his eyes uncontrollably.

Sykes again smiled and brought his lightsaber up again into the ready position. “Use the pain. If you do not I will kill you by the end of this. Fight for your life, Ellac. For it is, in fact, on the line.”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 5 March, 2021 3:07 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The Marauder felt the danger and ducked low, the younger man’s blade barely missing the top of his helmet. He brought his right leg down and stepped through Ellac’s legs and put his entire body weight into his shoulder, connecting with his opponent's body and sending his apprentice tumbling to the ground. Sykes pulled back, shutting down his shoto blade and replacing it on his belt. “Very good. Your style of fighting needs all of your emotions to harness. Feel the anger flowing through you.” The older Sith flourished his silver blade and set himself in a dueler’s stance. “Now, again.”

You dove right in from the beats set up for you and used your entire post for continuous and detailed, meaty combat. It's an excellent example of an ACC post in its most basic — but certainly not the simplest — sense. Of particular note, I noticed these passages seemed like a love letter to the respective Lightsaber Forms of both characters, but especially to Ellac's Juyo with the mentions of a battlemind and how Sykes advises Ellac that his fighting style will require all his passions. I didn't even need to see the Sheets to know which Form you were describing.

Your syntax is quite clean, with a few minor errors. The continuing to build on the Master and Apprentice themes of this battle and the sheer drama of it, especially that closing line, were epic.


Can Be Improved

When he looked at Ellac, he could almost see an after image moving in different ways. It was his apprentice deciding on his next strikes and when the body moved into one of the ghostly forms, Sykes twisted his blade and moved back and forth along the lines to counter each of the younger man’s strikes.

You came close to a Minor Detractor here for Realism, on account of how this description read, but I decided it was ultimately only worth a comment, as the writing would not have made a significant change to the outcome of that portion of combat when accounting for how high Skyes' Precog is. Be mindful of how you write high Precognition. It is your senses predicting imminent and intended threat to you, not a visual slideshow of the future. Sykes cannot see the movements Ellac will make playing out, and while you do save yourself on the word, "almost," it was enough of a "what am I reading?" moment as to pull me out of the story and make me pull up the Sheets and Powers Wiki just to check my sanity. I'd advise in the future writing more about his instincts guiding his body or warning him than any visual cues for watching the future unfold.

Otherwise, you had a couple dialogue punctuation errors.

“You must harness your fear. Use it to feed your anger. Your body and your lightsaber are extensions of yourself.” He brought his eyes up and looked hard at Ellac through the HUD in his helmet.

When punctuating dialogue, the simplest explanation I can give is that you must treat dialogue as either part of the sentence or removable from it. That is, whatever action is connected to the dialogue is either standalone, in which case you can use a period inside your quotes and capitalize outside it, or it's connected, and the text would be a fragment if it didn't have the dialogue.

In this case, your sentences are both complete by themselves, and there is no action linking the dialogue to Skyes' narrative movement, thus the use of a comma to close and the next sentence starting with a lowercase is incorrect. The inverse of this and more common mistake is done later on, when Skyes commands Ellac further.

“That’s it! More. Give me more!” He cried out, his voice amplified by the modulator in his helmet.

If we pretend that Sykes said nothing, it looks like this: "He cried out, his voice amplified by the modulator in his helmet." Cried out what with his amplified voice? We've got a verb, and we've got a subject in "he," but we don't have the object. We don't have whatever it is that's been cried out. We're clueless. The sentence doesn't make sense on its own because it is missing half of it.

  • “That’s it! More. Give me more!” he cried out, his voice amplified by the modulator in his helmet.

This would be a complete sentence.

Some examples of several other ways dialogue can be punctuated correctly, just so you can see the differences:

  • "Come, my Apprentice," commanded Sykes. "Give me all your anger."
  • "Come, my Apprentice. Give me all your anger." Skyes flourished his lightsabers.
  • "Peace will not save you," Sykes hissed, eyes cold behind his helmet, continuing, "You cannot be a true Sith until you embrace your emotions."

Ellac’s cheeks stung as he found himself staring into the black visor of Sykes’ helmet, a lump forming in his throat at his master’s words. Gritting his teeth as the tears in his eyes streamed down the burns on his face, the Acolyte flipped his lightsaber into a reverse grip, launching himself towards his master.

“That’s it.” Sykes’ smile grew as he twirled his silver blade, unclipping his shoto lightsaber from his belt, igniting it in a flash of red that bounced off his matte black armor.

Ellac raced at Sykes, swinging his blade down at the Marauder’s shoulder. His lightsaber met Sykes’ silver blade with a loud crack that echoed through the chamber. With a growl, Ellac flipped the hilt in his hand again, swinging up and under his master’s block. Sykes caught his blade with his shoto, redirecting it to the side as he thrust his longer blade at Ellac’s knee. Ellac’s reflexes pulled him back before Sykes’ blade could run through his leg.

“That was good, but you’re going to have to do better than that if you’re gonna hit me,” Sykes said, returning to his usual stance.

“I’m trying!”

“How ‘bout you stop trying and actually do it?”

Ellac’s frustration bubbled up in his throat as his chest tightened in anger. Ellac jumped at Sykes again, jabbing and slashing at his master with random strikes. His crimson blade streaked through the air in an aggressive blur of motion, connecting with Sykes’ blocks, one after another. Sykes, tracking his movements, side-stepped one of Ellac’s strike, and kicked him onto the old stone floor. Sykes stepped over Ellac, raising his blades to strike him, but just as his blades began to fall, Ellac raised his off-hand, releasing a blinding flash of light from his open palm. Sykes stumbled back, turning his eyes away from the flash. With his left hand still raised at Sykes, Ellac concentrated the Force around the Marauder, pulling Sykes off his feet as the Acolyte extended the hidden blade in the bracer on his wrist towards the Battlemaster’s throat. Sykes pushed Ellac’s hand away as he fell, sending the stiletto blade to the side, avoiding an impaled larynx but still suffering a shallow slice to the side of his neck. The Apprentice shoved Sykes off as he rolled onto his feet, the blade on his wrist dripping with his master’s blood.

Sykes pushed himself off the ground, touching the cut as he brought himself up. “That’s more like it,” he said, grinning under his helmet. “Your passion gives you strength, and that strength will bring you victory.” Readying himself again, Sykes reached deeper into the Dark Force around him. “Now show me your strength, Apprentice.”

The muscles in the back of Ellac’s neck stiffened as he sensed the Force around Sykes grow darker. The energy around his master was violent and more intense than Ellac was used to. The Acolyte drew a deep breath as he retracted the hidden blade, clutching his lightsaber with both hands. “Yes, my Master.”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 5 March, 2021 3:08 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Again, your post was exceptionally clean on Syntax. You were almost a perfect 5 in each post, which is impressive. The really great thing about your second post here in particular was the vivid and intense combat, plenty going on all throughout. A very solid follow-up, action-packed, straight to the point post that still continued the narrative.

Ellac’s cheeks stung as he found himself staring into the black visor of Sykes’ helmet, a lump forming in his throat at his master’s words. Gritting his teeth as the tears in his eyes streamed down the burns on his face, the Acolyte flipped his lightsaber into a reverse grip, launching himself towards his master.

I was exceptionally enamored with this paragraph, as it seems for a moment Ellac is upset, like that special cry when you're really angry and someone asks if you're okay because you're crying but no you're just MAD AND READY TO MAIM. His tears from the burns, them stinging his cheeks because of said burns, how he throws himself at Skyes with all that anger trapped behind the lump in his throat and gritted teeth— excellent.


Can Be Improved

Sykes stepped over Ellac, raising his blades to strike him, but just as his blades began to fall, Ellac raised his off-hand, releasing a blinding flash of light from his open palm. Sykes stumbled back, turning his eyes away from the flash. With his left hand still raised at Sykes, Ellac concentrated the Force around the Marauder, pulling Sykes off his feet as the Acolyte extended the hidden blade in the bracer on his wrist towards the Battlemaster’s throat. Sykes pushed Ellac’s hand away as he fell, sending the stiletto blade to the side, avoiding an impaled larynx but still suffering a shallow slice to the side of his neck. The Apprentice shoved Sykes off as he rolled onto his feet, the blade on his wrist dripping with his master’s blood.

This section is where we had a couple Minor Detractors in Realism of note, because of the levels of the Force Powers being used here concurrently and in immediate sequence with the rest of the action. What's going on is a successful use of Blinding and then a blow with Telekinesis and a weapon attack against a much higher ability to dodge. I was torn on whether to call this one Major Detractor or two Minor, because it's sort of two parts, but went with the latter.

The first part is the chain of events being too much too fast. Per its description in its tooltip, Blinding at +2 requires full concentration while in combat. This is a pretty busy sequence of events here, and Ellac is already pulling a lot of moves before and after being kicked to the floor. You got it right on the effect being instantaneous and you have the Feat that protects Ellac's own vision, but what we're missing is the concentration/focus. He needs to concentrate fully to use Blinding in combat, and he's in the middle of dodging lightsaber blades and just got kicked down, which makes concentrating fairly hard. Then, immediately following using Blinding, Ellac uses Telekinesis to pull Skyes down and simultaneously stabs up at him with his hidden blade. Telekinesis is an advanced power that requires the user to maintain concentration to perform tasks and at +2 requires a second of full concentration to activate. Any one of these actions alone would have been fine, but going from a power requiring full concentration, then to doing one that requires some concentration while making an attack, is pushing the limits of Ellac's ability.

The second portion is that, in that sequence of events, all of Ellac's attacks/uses landed effectively and he managed to cut Skyes. Skyes has +4 Amplification, Athletics, Precognition, AND two Feats that could have allowed him to dodge or counter this, Battlefield Awareness II and Reflexive Counter. He should have been warned several heartbeats in advance of the blinding flash, the TK yank, and/or the stab, and plenty able to get out of the way in a second. Skyes more or less would have had to let Ellac hit him...which is entirely possible in the context of teaching a lesson, but would need to be indicated.

Alternatively, you could have had the flash distract his Precog while planning another attack afterward, or using that moment to run/readjust. You can do a lot of things creatively when you're faced with stats and Feats much higher than yours or difficult to combat and still want your character to get those hard-earned hits in. Do not take these errors too harshly; they are things that you'll be able to remedy very easily with some more experience with the DB system and a little reading and practice, and you already have a very strong writing backbone to build on. Creative challenges are definitely something to keep exploring, talk to other ACCers about, read examples of, etc, and can be one of the funnest parts of the ACC.

Sykes backed up slowly as Ellac approached. The Battlemaster’s anger had flared and to Ellac, his master felt like a broiling pit of darkness. His master had again gone into a dueling stance with his silver blade held out in an en garde position. Ellac’s hands gripped his lightsaber tighter and allowed his own anger to begin to rise within him. He could feel his strength increase and a surge of energy built within him. He feinted a strike to the left but twisted his blade down, up and over. Sparks shot from the crimson blade as his master’s own blade blocked and deflected but Ellac pressed on with a vicious combination on left, right, up and diagonal strikes. Each time his master seemed to be able to know where the next strike was coming from. His frustration and anger grew. He screamed as his body seemed to explode with the energy within him. He brought his blade around, spinning and lashed out with his right foot, catching Sykes directly in the chest.

Sykes flew back from the strength of the kick and landed flat on his back. He quickly rolled to his left and made his way to his feet, glaring at Ellac as he did so. He could feel that one of his ribs had given way despite the protection of the armor that he wore. As he brought his blade back up, he watched as Ellac seemed to slack his body. The Acolyte’s shoulders heaved as he tried to catch his breath and Sykes knew that his apprentice was beginning to fatigue from drawing upon the Dark Side so heavily. He could feel the exhaustion and frustration that was beginning to take its hold upon the younger man. “Finish it. Give in fully. You think you are grown? Come and show me.”

Ellac’s he snapped up at the words from his master. They were a familiar challenge that he had heard before. Fear bubbled up within him with the horrible flashback of his own father saying those words. “No.” He muttered as he brought his blade up and around, closing the distance and striking against his master's blade to try and get in close.

Sykes immediately felt the flash of fear within his apprentice and knew his words had struck a tender heartstring. Time to break that. he thought as he brought his left arm around to deflect the lightsaber blade coming from his other side. His blade skills are adequate but it is his mind that must strengthen itself. Otherwise the Brotherhood will consume him. The Battlemaster performed a quick spin and brought his silver blade around toward the younger man's head.

Ellac ducked the strike and saw what appeared to be his opening. He brought his own blade with an uppercut strike meant to split the older Sith from groin to throat, but his master just barely sidestepped out of the way. His master’s left arm shot out and Ellac braced for another feeling of flame but instead felt a sharp pain in his right arm. He quickly disengaged, looking down and seeing the dart that struck out of his arm. Almost immediately, his right arm seemed to go limp as he looked at his master. He swapped his lightsaber to his other hand and tried to raise it in time to defend himself.

Sykes closed down his lightsaber and dropped it to the ground as he stalked towards his apprentice. The poison from the dart had paralyzed the younger man’s primary saber arm. “Your past means nothing. Today you will be reborn or you will die, Ellac.” The fear he saw in his apprentice’s eyes allowed Sykes to latch onto that feeling. As he moved forward, Sykes focused on bringing that fear to the forefront of Ellac’s mind. The younger man struck out with his lightsaber but Sykes caught it on his right forearm as he brought his armored left fist into Ellac’s jaw as hard as he could.

The blow twisted Ellac around and brought him to his knees. He tried to turn and stand but another savage blow knocked his head around. Blood flowed from his mouth and as he spat he distinctly heard something hard hit the ground. Flashbacks of his childhood seemed to come unbidden to his mind. He brought his eyes around to look at his master but the only image he could see was his own father there. Fear flooded his body and he didn’t know what to do. No. He’s dead. He **can’t* be back.** His father brought his knee up into Ellac’s face with a wet smack. Stars exploded in his vision as he slumped back. I killed him. He isn’t supposed to be here. Madness began to creep it’s way through him as he brought his hands up to protect his face.

Sykes looked down at his apprentice as the fear seemed to take its hold. He pressed his mind harder against the younger man’s own. The boy was strong but demons were holding him back. Sykes felt that he had to break those demons if there was any future for this apprentice. He brought his foot around and slammed it into the younger stomach. “Get up Ellac!” Sykes screamed. “Get up and fight! NOW!

Get up. Why? He’s back to finish me. He hurt us all some much. The lum and Correllian whiskey had taken him. Ellac’s fear of his own past caused him to convulse and curl into a ball. He felt the pain of another kick in his spine, and rolled back to assuage the feeling. His eyes opened and through the tears that were flowing he could just see the hulk of the man who had been his tormentor for so many years. Dark hair, the same green eyes that Ellac knew were his own and a stocky powerful build. “You can’t be here. I killed you!” He spat at his father.

“And I’m going to do the same to you. You can join me forever, Boy.” The man replied coldly, preparing to strike again.

“No. No. NOOOOOO!!!!!!” Ellac screamed, his throat burning raw and all of his fear, anger and rage exploded within him. His left hand came up and spat raw blue energy out at his father.

Sykes felt the explosion of emotion and braced himself as well as he could against the lightning that flowed over him. The armored shell around him conducted every bit of the electricity. He brought the Force into him as he gutted through the sheer agony as Ellac released all of the rage the boy felt.

Ellac fell backwards. Blackness threatened to cover his vision as exhaustion consumed him. He won’t be able to do it. Not without a fight. he thought to himself as he slowly tried to roll into his stomach. His right arm still was limp from the poison but he was able to get up on his knees. Black boots came into his vision and he prepared for his death. “Do it. Frakking do it!”

The Battlemaster reached down and grabbed his student by the collar, jerking him bodily to his feet. His helmet hung on his belt as Sykes brought Ellac’s face up near his. Their blue and green eyes met for the first time since the beginning of the fight and both raged with the darkness each other felt. “You have survived this time, my Apprentice. You have given yourself fully. Now embrace your heritage. I will call for you when I am ready.” the older Sith stated coldly. He shoved his apprentice back to the ground and began to turn and walk away. “Your next assignment will push you past this one. Prepare yourself. More challenges are to come before you will be fully accepted into our Order.”

Ellac watched the back of his master as the man walked away into the darkness of one of the side passages. He felt like a weight was off of his shoulders but knew he had much more to learn. His anger sparked again as he realized what all had transpired here. “Oh yes, Master. I have survived. But eventually, you will not.”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 5 March, 2021 3:11 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Sykes looked down at his apprentice as the fear seemed to take its hold. He pressed his mind harder against the younger man’s own. The boy was strong but demons were holding him back. Sykes felt that he had to break those demons if there was any future for this apprentice

This was a very nice display of Terror that slowly built throughout the post and eventually reached its climax. Terror merely induces the feeling of fear, and its target's brain will do with that what it will, which you did successfully. I specifically noted to myself that Sykes sees Ellac has "demons," a general statement, and doesn't know what those are, but that they're holding him back. We the readers know that Ellac is picturing his abusive, alcoholic father, and he has a dialogue with dad/Skyes, but Sykes' dialogue isn't actually very particular— it's something Sykes could say that doesn't disrupt the episode Ellac is having, or show Sykes to have any particular advanced knowledge. You were careful and deliberate and it shows. Well done.

That Terror piece really capped off a legit Sithy lesson in beating form. A very good conclusion to the battle overall, and a very nice promise at the end from Ellac to show some of his spitfire, spine, and potential...especially with all the classic Sith themes you two built together here.


Can Be Improved

He quickly disengaged, looking down and seeing the dart that struck out of his arm

You had a few more Syntax issues here that made things a little less readable, specifically at dialogue punctuation and at incorrect but similar words— these are the trap of all of us and are rarely caught by any form of spellcheck because they're read as correct words even when they don't make sense in context. Careful proofing helps that.

Sykes felt the explosion of emotion and braced himself as well as he could against the lightning that flowed over him. The armored shell around him conducted every bit of the electricity. He brought the Force into him as he gutted through the sheer agony as Ellac released all of the rage the boy felt.

Your bigger issue was in some unclear power usage when Ellac electrocutes Sykes with Force Lightning and Sykes immediately recovers with no noted injury after doing something with the Force, despite the fact that you specifically highlight that the Lightning attack is made worse(?) by Sykes' full metal armor. The mention of his armor conducting it had me initially assume Sykes was being microwave popcorn'd, but then because of his lack of any apparent injury or even fatigue, that maybe you meant the suit...kept the lightning from touching him, because it all was conducted through the beskar? But then why would he be in pain, gutted by pain? And what was he doing when he wrapped the Force around him? Healing himself?

Even after a discussion with the staff, we were torn on whether these issues would ultimately fall under Realism or Story for detractors. I was going to give a Major Detractor for misuse of Healing +3 to disappear what seemed like a major electrocution without any time invested or energy used and then go on kicking butt before walking out...but as you indicated he was doing something, just not what, it becomes difficult to rule against any particular power. Instead, I went with a knock to Story for the uncertainty of events. In the future, try to be clearer about what's happening, even if you have to "tell" a little more than "show."