Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj

Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Wampas and X-wings. Forever will those two be linked in my mind now thanks to this match.

Overall you both brought solid entries into this match that you can be proud of. Syntax was relatively clean across the board with a few apparent misspellings that reading aloud would have caught. Andrelious had fewer syntax errors, so he took advantage in that category. Story-wise you both presented a sassy and interesting dynamic between the two imperial characters. While dialogue and characterization were strong throughout the match I felt Kamjin had more subtle details in the characters’ actions and emoting that gave a clearer picture of who they were and what they thought of one another. Honorable mention goes to Andrelious’ ending with the aforementioned “wampas and X-wings.” You both had some places where you could have tightened up the amount of dialogue or exposition to make room for more action but all the posts and the match as a whole was a smooth and entertaining read once it got going. Story advantage was a tough call but I felt Kamjin skillfully creating dramatic tension and the strength of his descriptive language gave him the slight edge.

Realism became the deciding factor and in a testament to the closeness of this match, it was a single minor error on Kamjin’s part that gave the point advantage and the match to Andrelious.

While this competition did not have a word cap, many tournaments and more competitive ACC competitions will. I would challenge you both in round two to really look at your posts with a critical eye toward keeping things focused on the central conflict and the action. But overall excellent work and thank you both for participating. I look forward to seeing future matches from you.

Andrelious is the winner

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz, Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 31 January, 2021 6:26 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Some misspellings and typos but overall nothing that detracted from a smooth reading experience. Rationale: Only a few minor mistakes but overall exceptionally clean.
Story - 40%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Deleted
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: While your first post had a bit of a slow start the characterization and superb action depictions you brought after gave you a strong ending. Rationale: Wampas and X-wings. Your first post had solid character interaction and a respectable amount of combat. Your second post was stronger with a healthy balance of dialogue and action with a very creative premise thrown into the mix.
Realism - 25%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: The wampa head thrashing would have certainly led to an injury and was a minor realism error. See my comments to that post. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Deleted
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Score: 4.0 Deleted's Score: 4.12
Posts

header

The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

High above Arx the Imperial Star Destroyer Palpatine sliced through the night side of the planet over the Uskil continent. Despite the late hour, a constant stream of traffic from the surface and back continued in support of the Headmistress's call for support. The Palatinaean's had answered the call, eager to lend their military might and grab the opportunity to further improve their position within the Brotherhood.

"Transport ZTS-904, you're clear for approach in landing bay alpha. Please inform the Admiral that accommodations have been prepared in the pilot's ready room," the voice of flight control broadcasted to the pilots.

"ISN Palpatine, this is Transport ZTS-904 on approach," the pilot replied coughing, "The Admiral sends his regards." Then quietly the pilot added, "As does the flight crew."

The transport leveled off once it entered the under belly of the Star Destroyer. As it changed it's orientation the landing beacons activated for it's final approach. Maneuvering on thrusters it entered the magnetic field and settled to the side of the main hangar deck. All around the ship troopers continued to prepare additional ships, for the on-going capture operation on the surface. At the same time, returning troopers covered in mud and worse, returned to the ship for rest and medical attention.

As the boarding ramp lowered on Transport ZTS-904 a lone figure quickly strolled off the ship. His Admiral's uniform, soiled and tattered, clung to his body. The humidity on Uskil having turned anyone wearing long-sleeve uniforms into a skin-tight suit. Ignoring the awaiting officer, Kamjin walked immediately into the pilot's ready room. As soon as he passed the officer knew why. The smells could only be described as something that a Hutt would find offensive. Kamjin moved through the ready room into the flight crew locker room where a wave of steam greeted him.

Kamjin shucked his clothing into an unceremonious heap and stepped into one of the blazing showers. The scalding water began to erode the filth from the planet and the day's activity with Ellac. Poor Ellac, currently floating in a bacta tank down on the planet, took the worst of the day's events. Kamjin placed both hands on the shower wall, dropping his head, allowing the spray to hit his back and begin to relax his muscles. He was slowly getting back into fighting shape, but his age was showing and it was taking far longer than when he had been at his prime. Finding the standard issued soap hanging from the head, he scrubbed his body as if he was back in flight school scrubbing down his first TIE Fighter.

After what seemed like an eternity, he turned off the water and finding a nearby towel, covered himself. As he made his way out to find a clean duty uniform to change into before heading to his cabin to rest, he was intercepted by the junior officer from the hangar deck.

"My Lord, there's an urgent communication from the surface."

He let out a sigh, "Please let the Headmistress know that if Ellac is filing a complaint regarding what happened to him, I had the whole situation well in hand the whole time." Kamjin had also taken the step of speaking with Ellac's master, Sykes, on the ride up from the surface to explain what happened. Sykes had been understanding, and was impressed with how his apprentice had handled the situation.

"No sir, there's no mention of Ellac. It's Headmistress Ciara, sir. She needs you back on the surface. There's been a special request made for your presence by Warlord Andrelious Inahj."

Adrelious Inahj? I've never heard of an Andrelious before, he thought to himself. "Please tell the Headmistress I've just arrived and will be able to catch one of the morning shuttles to speak with her." Turning he pulled out a pair of briefs and pulled them on, dropping the towel.

"Sir, I'm afraid the Headmistress is insisting upon your return immediately."

Kamjin stood for a moment, the relaxing muscles suddenly becoming taunt again. "Very well, inform the hangar deck to prepare a shuttle for my departure." Then, upon reflection how the events of the day had gone, he added, "and have my armor brought from my cabin.” He grabbed a pair of trousers and headed back to the hangar. There was no point getting further dressed until he had his armor.

Once upon the shuttle, he donned his Sith Armor. The striking metallic suit sealed tightly to his body. One of the crewmen helped him into the dark cloak, with it’s Sith red striped sleeves. He opted to keep the helmet off until needed, so as not to deal with being fully pressurized. He attached his lightsabers to the magnetic clasps on each thigh. His red blade on his right, with his blue on the left.

“Pilot, what do you know of Warlord Andrelious Inahj?”

“Not much Sir, he’s a member of Clan Taldryan.”

Clan Taldryan. Have I had any dealings with Taldryan since my return? he mused to himself while the shuttle cut through the night’s sky, towards the broken beacons of the landing platform for the Corrino Research Laboratory still hustling with activity. As the shuttle came to rest on it’s two landing pads, the boarding ramp hissed as it depressurized and lowered. Kamjin descended with his helmet in hand. In contrast with the hot, humid day, the night had taken on a slight chill. The once annoyingly clingy swamp air sucked heat out of his exposed head. He was immediately glad that he had opted to wear the pressured armor, which blocked the worst of the weather.

As soon as his feet hit the platform his apprentice Dukwtape was immediately at his side. ”Master, we were not expecting you to return so soon.” Though the Togruta’s grey skin hid it well, Kamjin could see the darkened bags under his eyes. He was clearly taking his role of being in charge during Kamjin’s absence seriously.

“I received a summons from the Headmistress and had to return. I assume she’s still in the thick of things here?”

“Yes, Master. She hasn’t left the hangar since your departure.”

“Excellent, then I’ll go find her immediately,” and taking another look at Dukwtape’s lethargic lekku added, “Duk, get some rack time. You’ve done a good job there today.”

“Master, I’m not tired. There’s still three transports anticipated in the next couple hours.”

“Assign those to the deck officer, ensure he understands the deployment orders, and get to bed. We cannot do it all ourselves.” He grasped the taller man’s shoulder. “You’ll be needed tomorrow.”

Duk nodded, and went off to find the deck officer while Kamjin proceeded to the Headmistress. He found her with a rather short, overweight, man hovering nearby. As he came closer, the man looked to be a glutton. His weight strained the robes he wore, which seemed to have additional fabric hanging off it for a purpose Kamjin couldn’t fathom. His hair was brittle and turning white and his eyes looked a sickly yellow.

“Ah, you must be Adept Kamjin, Headmaster Ciara and I had been having such a wonderful conversation about you while you were away.” the man spoke with a boastful ‘Imperial’ voice, like someone more comfortable around a dinner table making toasts and exchanging backhanded compliments.

“Yes, and you must be Warlord Inahj,” Kamjin extended his hand in greeting. Andrelious wiggled his fingers as if unaccustomed to touching an armored hand, and puzzling over whether or not it would be safe to touch it. After several lingering seconds, he weakly shook the offered hand.

“Well, my dear Headmaster, I believe he’ll do quite nicely for the agreement we’ve struck.”

“And that agreement would be?” Kamjin gave an inquisitive look to Ciara who looked more frazzled than she had this morning.

Pushing back a lock of hair she responded, “It’s the Wampas. We started getting reports this afternoon that several had taken up in the lower levels of the laboratory and it’s been preventing us from taking control of the power generators down there.” She tapped a series of commands into her ever present datapad, “We’ve got enough power to continue operating for the next few days and it was a lower priority item but Andrelious here...” she was cut off before she could finish.

“Well, I just had a wonderful notion of how I could be of assistance. Of course, anything to serve the Headmaster during her time of need.” If it was possible, he seemed even fatter as he puffed out his chest as if he had undertaken a great and noble deed.

“Yes...,” Ciara continued, “ Since we had a rather large pack of Wampas we only need a few captured to continue our experiments. Andrelious offered to help us wrangle them back into the pens...”

Again, cutting off Ciara, Andrelious continued, “For a very humble and small price of being able to collect the pelts of those beasts we couldn’t save. You know how comfortable a Wampa furred coat is and I would hate for my children to have to suffer any chills in something less insulated.”

This guy can’t be serious. He’s willing to personally hunt Wampas simply to make coats for his kids... Kamjin was bewildered and then suddenly had a realization. “Ciara, why exactly am I here?”

“Kam, I...owe Andrelious a favor and after he heard of the report today of you and Ellac handling those Rancors. Well, he insisted on collecting his debt by having you assigned to assist him.”

He turned and looked down again on the Warlord to find him beaming with abject joy. He was practically giddy with excitement to get going. It was a very good idea to bring the armor if I’m going to be dealing with Wampas.

“Well, my good sir, shall we depart? I wouldn’t want to keep the Headmaster here in peril of losing her power.”

Kamjin looked at Ciara and the returning gaze that said I really don’t have an issue with the power situation. Shrugging, he placed his helmet upon his head and pressured the seal. His voice, modulated through the helmet's microphone, responded, “Lead the way.”

As they marched off to the turbo lift for the lower level, Kamjin asked Andrelious, “Why did you request me versus someone from your own clan? Surely Taldryan has plenty of warriors that could assist you.”

Already wheezing from the effort of trolling at the speed Kamjin had set, Andrelious replied, “Oh, naturally...naturally. There are many such noble and skilled Sith within the hallowed halls of Clan Taldryan. But you, dear fellow, you caught my eye today. Such a masterful handling of the whole Rancor situation and ensuring that poor young apprentice would make it back on one piece. Well, I knew you were the type of person who could handle such delicate work.”

Delicate work. He means that I can kill a Wampa without ruining it’s pelt. Kamjin was getting a fuller picture of this Warlord and his decadent tastes. Entering the lift, Andrelious positioned himself in the back of the car, looking impatiently for Kamjin to step in and press the control for the lower level. Kamjin, acquiesced to the unstated command and set them on their way. It wasn’t lost on him that this had the dual purpose of continuing to play into the Warlord’s supposed sense of importance but also positioned him to take any surprise attack if a Wampa was waiting for them when the doors opened.

He’s going to get me killed was the last thought Kamjin had before the door opened and, as he had predicted, a large Wampa turned at the sudden noise and roared. It reached out with its massive paws and grabbed Kamjin, lifting him clear of the floor and hurled him down the corridor. As Kamjin struck the wall, he again congratulated himself on his forethought to wear his armor. The pressurized suit took most of the force of the impact, that otherwise would have left him concussed.

As he rolled over the Wampa was upon him, having bounded down the corridor after him. The beast's massive jaw roared inches from Kamjin’s face, spraying saliva over his helmet while it beat upon him. Even buffeted by the armor, he couldn’t take many of these blows before his ribs cracked.

As the Wampa’s next blows came in he reached up and grabbed the attacking paws. They became locked together as Kamjin wrestled to gain the upper hand. As the beast lunged his head forward to bite at Kamjin’s head a ruby lightsaber blade sprang out, slicing effortlessly through the Wampa’s windpipe before being extinguished. The Wampa released Kamjin’s hands and lurched after the new attacker. It struggled as it’s ragged breaths failed to reach its lungs.

Staying always out of reach of the Wampa’s paws, Andrelious savored the increasingly panicked gasps for breath as the creature's lungs began to deflate, starving for oxygen. After another few futile attempts it collapsed before Andrelious who peered down inspecting its pelt.

“Well done, Kamjin! Simply, wonderful job there!” Andrelious said while hunched over, straining himself to breath from such a position. “This one should do quite nicely and I’m sure we’ll find several more before this is all over.”

Kamjin had to help himself up off the floor. He probed gently and while his ribs were bruised they weren’t broken. “I’m so glad you’re pleased.”

Andrelious missed completely the sneering tone in Kamjin’s voice. “Come on now, we have to reach those generators before this whole site loses power.” Kamjin was quick to notice that in spite of his eagerness to complete their mission he had made no movement at all and was looking imploringly at Kamjin to hurry on down the corridor towards their objective.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 February, 2021 12:09 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Staying always out of reach of the Wampa’s paws, Andrelious savored the increasingly panicked gasps for breath as the creature's lungs began to deflate, starving for oxygen.

Your depictions of combat were vivid and creative. You also wove in subtle details like Andrelious savoring the wampa death here to give the reader a strong sense of his character. Passages like this are an excellent example of doing “show, don’t tell” right.


Can Be Improved

You have a consistent pattern of mixing up its and it’s. Remember “it’s” is a contraction for “it is” and “its” is the possessive form.

The biggest area for improvement in this post is pacing. You have 1900 words of introduction before the first wampa shows up. For context that is longer than some people’s entire fiction entries. More competitive ACC competitions and tournaments often have word caps of 1000 or so words per post. What you wrote would have worked fine for a stand-alone fiction or even a group run-on but in the ACC the focus needs to be on the conflict and the action. You had some really good stuff there you just needed to tighten it up a bit to get to the action quicker.

Andrelious could not believe his luck. He’d almost been joking when he told the Headmaster that he wanted assistance on his rather personal mission, but the aid of an Elder of the Brotherhood was not something that the Taldryanite was ever going to turn down.

“How many Wampa pelts will you need for your children, anyway?” Kamjin asked.

“Three should easily be enough. It is very cold where we live, after all. It’s a good job they all love the snow so much,” Andrelious replied, his tone betraying his already obvious adoration for his children.

“I thought you were going to ask for a dozen,” the older man stated.

“Come on, Admiral. I don’t have THAT many children. Not that I know about, anyway,” Inahj responded.

“I thought you wanted to get moving? We’re surrounded by monsters that can easily tear the pair of us limb-from-limb and you’re making smalltalk? And if you know I’m an Admiral, why do I seem to be doing the dirty work?”

“I remember how it was in the Hammer. You don’t get to the Admiralty without a few dirty tricks. I’m just trying to find out exactly what your tricks are,” Andrelious declared stoically.

Kamjin wanted to ask exactly how Andrelious knew all about the Emperor’s Hammer, but an approaching growling sound told him that he’d have to wait for a better time to ask his questions.

“This time we take it together," the Seeker said in a tone that wasn’t out of place on the bridge of a Star Destroyer.

“Very well. I hope the Headmaster isn’t expecting TOO MANY survivors from this. I’m afraid that I don’t tend to take prisoners,” the Taldryanite answered, activating his silver-hilted lightsaber, the crimson blade activating with a familiar snap-hiss.

A Wampa came into view, its jet black eyes sizing up the two Humans as though it hadn’t eaten in weeks.

“I say we get in there first, hit it hard. We get it right the first time. It’ll never know what hit it,” Andrelious suggested.

“Perhaps I should just let you handle this one alone. You certainly seem very confident,” Kamjin answered, lowering his lightsaber blade slightly.

“I never said that! Look at the size of that thing! One smack with its paw and I’m its dinner,” the younger Sith exclaimed.

Kamjin smirked, pleased that he’d made his point. The Wampa was still curiously eying the pair up. It was probably some time since it had seen Humans, and with food becoming an increasing problem, it decided to take its chance before any of its fellow predators happened across the man-sized snacks.

The Wampa charged, opting to go for the shorter, weaker looking Andrelious first.

The Taldryanite hesitated for a few moments as the monstrous beast came at him, but then swung his lightsaber through the air, cleanly lopping off the Wampa’s left arm. The beast roared out in pain.

Kamjin followed up with a low, powerful slash with his own lightsaber, managing to slice through the monster’s knees.

Both men moved out of the reach of the Wampa’s one remaining limb. The fallen beast thrashed the stubs of its legs around angrily, but there was nothing it could do about what had just happened.

“It’s basically immobile, but we should stun it,” Kamjin declared.

“Don’t look at me. This doesn’t have a stun setting,” Andrelious explained, tapping the NT-242 that was strapped to his back.

“You really don’t like to take prisoners, do you? Not much choice, then, we’ll have to leave it here,” the Palatinaean sighed.

The injured Wampa continued to growl and angrily wave what was left of its severed limbs as the two former Imperials moved towards their primary objective.

“How many Wampas are we supposed to be dealing with, anyway?” Kamjin questioned.

“Either the Headmaster didn’t know, or she had some reason for not telling me. Non-military types never give proper briefings...” Andrelious answered somewhat wistfully.

Kamjin raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, about that, how the hell did you qualify for ANY branch of the military? You’re quite a way off regulation height. I know things got desperate after Endor but...”

“And as you know exceptions are made when an individual is believed to be talented. Perhaps you’d like me to prove it?” Inahj replied, turning to face his temporary companion.

“I wouldn’t try it, Inahj. I don’t want to have to explain to the Headmaster, or indeed your Consul, exactly why you didn’t make it back from Arx,” the Seeker growled. Andrelious took a step back. “I meant in the simulator. There’s too few of us former Imperials for me to start murdering them. Not without exceptional cause, anyway,”

“Very well. If we both survive this, I’ll take you on. Now can we PLEASE get on with our mission?” Lap’lamiz responded.

The two Sith reached the end of a corridor and turned left. They was now a single door between them and the room that housed the generators.

“Maybe I DIDN’T need help after all..I’d have thought there’d be more than two Wampas down here though!” Andrelious declared as the door slid open. His jaw dropped when he immediately spotted two more Wampas. The room was also gloomy enough that he could not rule out the possibility of more nasty surprises lying in wait.

Andrelious and Kamjin exchanged a brief glance.

“What now?” they said in unison.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 February, 2021 12:09 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“Come on, Admiral. I don’t have THAT many children. Not that I know about, anyway,” Inahj responded.

The dialogue in this post was witty and provided some insight into the similarities and differences between the two imperials. You kept things focused on the situation at hand and created some interpersonal conflict between the two characters. Overall, this kept me engaged and entertained as a reader.


Can Be Improved

“Very well. If we both survive this, I’ll take you on. Now can we PLEASE get on with our mission?” Lap’lamiz responded.

While you get credit for deepening the characterization, adding some comedy and creating some interpersonal conflict with your dialogue it is also a double-edged sword in that there’s almost too much of it. By the time Kamjin impatiently delivers this particular line I share his impatience as a reader. That’s not inherently a bad thing but you had some room to add some more action/peril at the end of your post and maybe trim the dialogue back just a teeny bit.

The two Sith reached the end of a corridor and turned left. They was now a single door between them and the room that housed the generators.

I think “they” should be there. In any case, this appears to be a syntax error.

Sithspawn, Kamjin thought to himself moments after uttering those fateful words, ‘what now’. Through some cosmic bit of bad luck, the wampas reacted first. At the sound of the door hissing open, the wampas turned their heads in unison towards Kamjin and Andrelious. For a pausing eternity they stared at each other and then the wampas charged.

Kamjin reacted, shoving Andrelious with his left hand and sending him tumbling backwards out of the way of the door. He turned to bring his hand back to double his grip on his blade but it was too late. The first wampa barreled into him and knocked him hard to the ground, his lightsaber flying out of his hand. Oof. Kamjin lost the air in his lungs momentarily as the beast continued pass him, its claws gouging into his armor. Gasping in a fresh breath of air he looked up in time for the second wampa to come crashing down upon him.

Kamjin was pinned beneath the wampa as its massive clawed paws began batting his helmeted head back and forth. By now, Andrelious had managed to recover from his shock and lift his girth off the ground. He stood off with the wampa that had run past Kamjin who was now doubling back upon the two wayward Sith.

“Are you doing alright there, Admiral?” Andrelious asked in a manner that reflected he knew exactly how poorly Kamjin was actually fairing.

Kamjin couldn’t focus on speaking as his head was rocked between clawed paws. If not for the pressured seal, he’d have been concussed by now. He had to find a way to extract himself from this situation. Fighting to concentrate Kamjin willed himself to vanish from sight. A trick, if he had been fighting a humanoid opponent, would have failed given his opponent was on top of him worked with the wampa. The wampa raised its chest and paws and began looking around, rouring in confusion for his lost prey.

Kamjin laid sprawled out on the floor. With considerable effort he willed his vision to focus again. His hand was next to his other lightsaber, still magnetically clipped to his armored left thigh. As he moved, two things happened at the same time. He pivoted his saber upward and ignited the blue blade, which sliced up into the wampa’s abdomen and chest, and he became visible again.

The wampa stumbled backwards in pain, freeing Kamjin’s pinned legs. Kamjin scrambled up into a defensive stance, his blue blade in his left hand. Stretching out his right hand he found his other saber and called it to him. As the hilt connected with his hand he ignited it and sweeping both blades together cleaved the head off the wampa.

As it collapsed, Kamjin turned to find that Andrelious had been in a standoff with the other wampa. He had his right leg bent with his left held straight behind him. His right hand firmly grasped the top of his silver hilt as he proceeded with a series of lunging jabs at the poor beast, deflecting each of its attempts to advance upon Andrelious. This man is a sadist, Kamjin thought, look at all the burns on the wampa’s fur.

“Ha!” Andrelious exclaimed, “Come now beastie, have at thee!” HIs laughter at the increasingly enraged and pained creature did not sit well with Kamjin. Better to kill an opponent outright than this.

“End this, Andrelious, there may be more of them coming.”

“Oh, very well,” and with a series of jabbing attacks Andrelious closed the distance and with a wide, heavy handed, slash he opened the creature’s throat. The beast, gasped for air, before falling forward. Andrelious, in a surprisingly graceful move for a man of his physique, slid out of the way.

Kamjin, given his closer proximity to the door, spun back around, keeping his two blades positioned in front of himself peered into the foreboding gloom ahead of them. Behind him, he heard the fizzled sound of a saber extinguishing. Just what the heck is he thinking? Kamjin turned around and saw Andrelious inspecting the carcasses of the fallen wampa.

“What are you doing?”

As if ignoring him, Andrelious spoke to himself, “We can put a zipper of sorts on this one since the wound appears straight enough. The other, perhaps a pair of mittens and a hat. We’ll have to see how the fur dresser can handle it.”

Andrelious,” the latter finally looked towards Kamjin, “Can we finish here before you start planning for your children’s outerwear?”

“Of course, Admiral. The Headmaster will definitely want us to bring back at least one of these fine creatures alive and, perhaps, unmaimed.”

Kamjin shrugged, lowering both blades to be diagonally pointed at the ground, and proceeded into the new room. As his eyes adjusted, the room was a control room of some sort for the power generators. Banks of blinking displays flickered in the gloom. One of the cooling pipes had been torn off the wall lowering the temperature of the room while contributing to the hazing conditions.

Kamjin pressed forward cautiously, his injured head slow to pivot around the room. His breathing raspy as the bruising of his ribs began to swell.

“This room is clear. The generators should be beyond that door,” he pointed off towards the other side of the room.

Andrelious strolled casually behind Kamjin, his hands clasped behind his back, holding his cloak back. This served to further protrude his enormous gut. “Continue on, Admiral.”

“Do you even have a military rank? Kamjin quipped back at him as he approached the door.

Whatever Andrelious’s stuttering reply was, Kamjin didn’t hear it. As the doors opened to the massive series of walkways and electric power beams contained within ray shields, Kamjin counted potentially a dozen wampas laying about near the warm beams. Off in the distance, what most of been the original experiment wampa lay upon the remains of the workers, feasting on some mangled piece of meat.

Dank Farrik, was the last thing he thought before all hell broke loose.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 February, 2021 12:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“Are you doing alright there, Admiral?” Andrelious asked in a manner that reflected he knew exactly how poorly Kamjin was actually fairing.

This post was well-paced, action-packed and kept the snarky banter between the characters going in a balanced way. Of particular note is that you managed to create dramatic tension for your elder character fighting creatures where the temptation to steamroll them would be strong. I’m not saying you have to write your character taking a beating in every post but your goal is to engage your readers and make them invested in the ongoing conflict. In other words, a match is far more compelling to read when the characters actually feel like they are in danger and you don’t know what is going to happen next. You created that feeling with this post.


Can Be Improved

The wampa raised its chest and paws and began looking around, rouring in confusion for his lost prey.

I think you meant “roaring.” You had a few stray typos like this one in your post.

Kamjin was pinned beneath the wampa as its massive clawed paws began batting his helmeted head back and forth.

So, we know from Empire Strikes Back that a wampa hits hard enough to straight knock a person out. We also know from Mandalorian that even a person in top of the line armor can get their proverbial bell rung (aka sustain a concussion). I say all this to highlight while a properly armored and padded helmet would mitigate the blows the sheer momentum of having one’s head made into a punching bag for a wampa would slosh a person’s brain around in their skull causing injury. You reference the vacuum sealing aspect of the armor later in the post but that only protects the wearer from losing air and wouldn’t help in this situation. This is a minor realism error.

On seeing just how many Wampas were in the room, Andrelious considered abandoning the whole mission. A brief glance at Kamjin, however, and the Taldryanite ruled out abandoning a fellow Imperial, even one who was part of a rival Clan.

“Would it really have been too much to ask for a little more backup? These odds are ridiculous!” Inahj complained.

The older man could sense Andrelious’ will to fight was starting to crumble. He’d experienced this kind of morale drop many times in his long career, and he’d often been the one that was left trying to motivate a dejected subordinate.

“Andrelious. You and I? What are we?” Kamjin questioned.

“We’re both quite a lot of things. Right now I’d say that we’re in big trouble more than anything,” Andrelious answered, though he was already catching on to what his comrade was saying.

“We’re Imperial officers. We stand to bring order into a galaxy of chaos,” the Palatinaean continued.

Inahj smiled. “You’re right. Shall we start with this room? Show these unthinking beasts exactly what the Empire is about?”

“We need to be careful here. We don’t have any chance if we just go charging in. Tell me, how familiar are you with Imperial tactical journals?” Lap’lamiz asked.

“Before I was accused of espionage and had to flee the Hammer, I was a Squadron Commander. I know a good few things. Not to mention years of fighting since I came to the Brotherhood. Not quite sure why any of this is relevant,” Andrelious stated matter-of-factly.

“Right. So let’s pretend that we’re in TIEs and the Wampas are a squadron of X-Wings. We’ve been cut off from our command ship, and our only chance of survival is to take on the X-Wings ourselves,”

The Taldryanite raised an eyebrow. “That would be some feat, even if we were flying Defenders. What kind of environment are we discussing here?”

“Interesting that you ask that. Let’s say we’re fighting in the middle of a debris field. One slight mistake and...you get the picture,” Kamjin explained.

“Right. In that case, I stay on the defensive. I try to use the environment to my advantage...” Andrelious commented. “Are you proposing we do something to the generators?”

“If we shut the ray shields down, there won’t be anything protecting the power beams. Look how close most of the Wampas are to the generators. It won’t get rid of all of them, but our chances will be greatly improved,”

Andrelious started to examine the generators. He had no knowledge of how they actually worked, and he couldn’t even be sure that it was possible to override such an important safety feature. He had to admit, though, that he didn’t have any better ideas.

“If there’s any way to turn the ray shields off, it’ll be in that control room we just came through. I’ll go and see what I can do,” the Taldryanite announced.

“Alright. But I’m going to need you back here the second you’ve disabled the shields,” Kamjin commanded.

“Of course, Admiral,”

Andrelious moved back into the control room and examined the multitude of controls. He supposed that the ray shields could probably be disabled for some kind of maintenance reason, but the reason itself was beyond his comprehension.

“Admiral, I think I’ve found it,” Inahj announced, pushing a red button. One of the status monitors immediately flashed in large, red Aurebesh that pushing the button again would disable all ray shielding for a period of twenty seconds.

Let’s hope that’s enough! Andrelious thought as he pushed the button again. He was already heading back towards Kamjin as the status monitors all warned that the generator room was off-limits.

The two men watched on as the majority of Wampas, who’d been resting near the power cores, were electrocuted by the now unbound beams of power. The beasts roared loudly in pain, altering the survivors that something terrible had happened.

The ray shields hummed loudly as they reactivated, once again safely encasing the power.

“Time to take down the rest of those X-Wings..sorry..Wampas!” Andrelious cried, seemingly completely re-invigorated from the success of his ally’s plan.

Kamjin was now noticeably slower than he had been during the first skirmish. The bruising on his ribs was starting to catch up with him, forcing him to take longer and deeper breaths.

Andrelious was no longer in any kind of a mood for anything other than quick, decisive action. He no longer wished to waste any time, aiming straight for the throat of the first Wampa he reached. He swore he could hear Kamjin’s voice in his head, directing him exactly where to move as though he was merely a piece in a game of dejarik.

There were now just two surviving Wampas. Andrelious, seemingly completely in his element, moved as swiftly as he could to execute one of them, the last ‘regular’ Wampa, but in his haste, had completely underestimated the animal’s own speed. Dodging the swinging crimson blade by mere inches, the Wampa countered by sweeping its huge arm towards Andrelious’ legs, knocking the Sith to the floor.

Andrelious rolled onto his back, but he’d lost his lightsaber and could do little more than try to zap the attacking Wampa with some lightning. This was enough to render the beast unconcious, and allow Inahj to climb back onto his feet.

The ‘experimental’ Wampa was even larger than its brethren. It didn’t seem too bothered by the fighting, or by the death of virtually every other Wampa. Having finished the last of its latest meal, it finally charged in, immediately making a bee-line for Andrelious, who was in the midst of retrieving his dropped lightsaber. The Taldryanite was again caught out, this time by the larger Wampa’s ritually enhanced speed and strength. The beast hurled Inahj hard across the room, the Sith crashing head first into part of the generator.

With his companion out cold and likely injured, Kamjin had to act fast. He moved to put himself between the fallen Andrelious and the giant beast.

With a blood chilling roar, the Wampa attacked first. Kamjin, doing his best to ignore the pain from his ribs, drove his lightsaber blade into one of the Wampa’s knees. The creature yelped and reared back, but then slammed the Palatinaean into a wall with such force that his armour started to buckle.

Andrelious came to, his head aching so much that he felt like he’d drank an entire cantina. He looked over to Kamjin, dismayed to see that the Wampa had managed to floor him, as well.

“NO!” Inahj cried at the top of his voice. The Wampa looked around, realising at once that Andrelious was again posing a threat. It sprinted towards the Sith, now noticeably limping.

“Not this time, you furry bastard!” Andrelious yelled, the Force screaming a warning that allowed him to handily evade the Wampa’s attack. It was also the Force that allowed Andrelious to jump just high enough in the air to access the creature’s throat, his lightsaber easily slicing through fur, flesh and windpipe.

As the defeated Wampa fell to the ground, its body suddenly denied the air even its powerful body needed to live, Andrelious made his way to his comrade. Kamjin’s armour was damaged, but it had absorbed most of the impact. The Palatinaean was still hurt, but had only a few broken bones rather than a completely shattered skeleton. “Admiral Lap’lamiz and I have completed our mission. Get your people in here right now,” Andrelious said into his comlink.

“You’ve really excelled yourself here, Inahj. Or should I say, Commander Inahj?” Kamjin stated, though it was clear just the act of talking was hurting him.

“You too, Admiral,” the Sith answered, his head still incredibly sore.

As the room started to fill with members of Shadow Academy staff, the two men allowed each other a smile.

The Empire had won the day.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 February, 2021 12:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“Time to take down the rest of those X-Wings..sorry..Wampas!” Andrelious cried, seemingly completely re-invigorated from the success of his ally’s plan.

It’s rare I read something in a match that makes me go “well, that’s new” but this is one of those times. It’s unexpected, sort of cringey, but very much in character and on a lot of levels actually works. This is a good example of a character applying their strengths, in this case a shared mastery of naval tactics, to the current situation. Kamjin adapts to the current peril and communicates a plan to his comrade using a common tactical vocabulary if you will. Overall this was an exceptionally creative use of both character’s aspects.


Can Be Improved

The beasts roared loudly in pain, altering the survivors that something terrible had happened.

I think you meant “alerting”