Warlord Shadow Palpatine Nighthunter vs. Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Warlord Shadow Palpatine Nighthunter

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Sephi, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Another fun match with some interesting characters! I really enjoyed reading the Empress of CSP in her natural element as a hunter complete with her Sith hound, and Kamjin’s elements of humor throughout the match.

Both members wrote fairly action-rich scenes and did a good job of grounding the reader quite literally in the muck of Uskil’s swamps. Unfortunately, both also suffered from several hits to realism that brought their scores down for that portion of the rubric. Remember that proofing is not just for catching syntax errors – ask your proofers to help you check for areas like realism and continuity, and always double-check that you’re using your skills and Force powers in alignment with their descriptions.

Overall, you both still told an engaging and interesting story that utilizes some skills in ways we don’t get to read very often, so great job and thanks for participating in SARLACC. I hope you enjoyed writing together and that you will keep writing! :)

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Shadow Palpatine Nighthunter, Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz
Winner Warlord Shadow Palpatine Nighthunter
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Shadow Palpatine Nighthunter's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 30 January, 2021 11:39 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple errors of various kinds that detracted from a smooth reading. Rationale: A few errors, but nothing major to spoil the flow.
Story - 40%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: A solid story with a few elements that detracted from the overall flow and made the pace stutter in sections (see comments). Rationale: This was a great story with some unique character elements and good action. Just one note for improvement in your comments!
Realism - 25%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter
Score: 1 Score: 2
Rationale: Two major detractors and one minor detractor. Rationale: One major detractor and two minor detractors.
Continuity - 20%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues found. Well done! Rationale: No issues found. Well done!
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Score: 2.75 Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter's Score: 3.7
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Whistles and trills of avian creatures echoed throughout the misty swamplands of Uskil while some of the more land-based inhabitants replied with croaking, shrills, and the occasional shriek of a creature in distress. The splashing of distrurbed water joined the marsh symphony as did the rustling of reeds and grasses as a cool breeze tried to lessen the heat of the humid ecosystem. Though the weather wasn’t exactly preferred by the visitor to the swamp, the abundance of wildlife made up for it. A lover of nature and the outdoors, the Empress of Scholae Palatinae felt more at home here than within the city that held the Imperial throne.

Shadow Nighthunter had been quick to heed the call for aid sent out by Headmistress Ciara the minute she had received it. The chance of facing and capturing a beast affected by the Force was an opportunity she could not pass up. Her days back home in the Cocytus System had been spent many a time studying and observing wildlife as well as pursuing knowledge and mysteries. Such rekindled fascination was evident in her golden eyes as she waited patiently within a large hollowed out tree for her fellow hunter to join her.

Where are you? We’re losing daylight. I don’t want to be traversing this place in the dark.

Toying around with her dagger as she waited, a sudden, warning growl outside the tree caught her attention. She opened herself to the Force, and a familiar presence assured her it was her partner and not a foe that had alerted her Tuk’ata beast standing guarding outside. Putting her blade back into the hidden sheath in her boot, she left the fragile confines of the tree and approached her animal companion.

“Just our fellow hunter, Eqkaesyr,” she said with assurance, placing her hand on his shoulder in confirmation. “One who is a bit late, too,” she quipped as Kamjin Lap’lamiz emerged from the swirling mist.

“You didn’t exactly make it easy for me to find you out here,” the fellow Sith countered with a soft grin of amusement. “We could’ve just met at the Corrino Research Laboratory.”

“Perhaps, but where’s the fun in that? A trek through the wilderness alone is good for the soul,” the Empress remarked. “But enough of that. We have an objective to complete. The general location of our quarry isn’t too far from here, and I’ll be sending Eqkaesyr off to scout ahead just to be sure there aren’t any surprises.”

“Just so long as he doesn’t kill our target,” the Adept said warningly.

“He won’t. Besides, I have no intention of having him face our prey alone. Especially the one I’ve chosen.”

“Which would be?”

The Warlord grinned slightly in satisfaction. “An Alpha Nydak. Never seen one up close. Thought this would be both a good opportunity and a challenge.”

The Empress turned her attention to the Tuk’ata and pointed in the direction of the habitat where the Nydak’s habitat was reported to be. “Seek,” she ordered as she connected with the legendary beast in the Force. “Do not attack. Stay hidden.”

The beast’s nostrils flared open as it huffed in acknowledgement before disappearing off into the mist. Shadow gestured for Kamjin to follow as she began walking in the same direction Eqkaesyr had gone. “Come on. Evening isn’t far off. We need to cross the swamp while we have daylight to guide our steps.”

Both Sith traveled through the swamp for about an hour or so, Shadow having taken some of the time to explain what she knew about the creature they were pursuing. Once she had briefed him, the rest of the trek had been in silence. Only when they suddenly came upon Eqkaesyr did she finally break it.

“He’s found something,” the assassin remarked as she went to Eqkaesyr’s side, the beast having one paw stretched forward in the mud. She looked at what he was indicating, and immediately became alert. “If what I saw in the file about the beast is correct, these tracks belong to the animal. It seems the Nydak was here recently. Possibly patrolling or hunting, judging by the spacing of the prints. Looks like it was prowling.”

“Meaning it’s probably close by,” Kamjin added as he too became alert and studied their surroundings.

Shadow didn’t have the chance to answer as the sound of something charging through mud and grass erupted to their left. The Empress quickly grasped both lightsabers and ignited the white and red blade as she quickly got to her feet. “Eqkaesyr and I can keep it busy! Try to flank it! Go!”

Kamjin nodded in confirmation of the command before sprinting off to the right while Shadow was preparing to outmaneuver the anguished beast. She allowed herself to reach out to it in the Force, but nothing prepared her for the maddening rage that emanated within its aura. It was powerful if not overwhelming, to the point she had barely noticed the beast when it was only a few paces away. She spun away in the knick of time as it lunged, her lightsabers spinning with her. Eqkaesyr had leapt out of its path at the same time, snarling and taunting the rampaging monster.

Shadow only had seconds to take in its full physical features as it skidded to a stop in the mud. Its elongated arms that it used to propel itself forward with immense speed and strength caught her attention as did the spikes that adorned its upper arms. They were the beast’s most dangerous weapon, but perhaps they could also be turned into its weakness.

Her observation was cut short as the beast spun and lunged at her. With her sabers at the ready, she side-stepped to the right and spun as the beast passed her. The blades made their mark against its side, only singing its hardened hide. Enraged, the monster roared and whirled around to attack again. Before she knew it, the Warlord found herself in a dance of sorts as she parried and dodged its sudden flurry of attacks from its claws.

Ciara Tearnan Rothwell Tarentae, 12 February, 2021 5:59 PM UTC

A lover of nature and the outdoors, the Empress of Scholae Palatinae felt more at home here than within the city that held the Imperial throne.

This sentence highlights what I really liked about this post. It was interesting reading about Shadow stepping outside of her Empress role into something in which she’s surprisingly more comfortable. She has a unique skill set with Survival and Creature Handling that you don’t get to read often, particularly not with a character really using those skills to hunt with a trained tuk’ata, and you did a good job of writing those. Good work!

Room for Growth

Unfortunately, you had one major realism detractor in this post that, based on the way you have your sheet set up, I think may have been due to a misunderstanding of a feat. Shadow is dual wielding lightsabers throughout the match, but you don’t have the Dual Wielding skill on her snapshot. You do have the Jar’Kai Technique feat, but that only replaces your Dual Wielding skill with your Primary Martial Art when you are wielding Bladed Weapons.

A weapon’s category is listed on the possession, and while a lightsaber does have a “blade” of sorts, it is a Lightsaber by category and not a Bladed Weapon, so your Jar’Kai feat is really not helping Shadow at all since she doesn’t use Bladed Weapons (+0 on your snapshot).

As far as syntax, this was a very clean read with just a few errors that stood out: a misspelling of “disturbed” in your first paragraph, “standing guarding outside” instead of “standing guard outside” and a duplicated word in “pointed in the direction of the habitat where the Nydak’s habitat was reported to be.”

Also, a fun capitalization note. You correctly capitalized Alpha Nydak because it is a specific subspecies of a nydak and thus a proper noun, but you incorrectly capitalized nydak and tuk’ata, which are generic species and not proper nouns (think German Shepherd Dog vs. dog).

At Shadow’s command, Kamjin let the chill powers of the Dark Side envelope him into the shadows as he flanked to the right the enraged Alpha Nydak. Shadow had correctly wagered not to engage the beast head-on. What surprised him was just how thick its hide was. Shadow’s white and red blades had barely blackened its left forearm. It barely noticed the attack as its massive forearms dug deep ruts into the soft swampy soil, spinning itself around for another pass.

As it roared, Eqkaesyr bounded at the Nydak’s head. It’s jaw, unhinged and sharpened teeth found perch upon its prey. The Nydak flailed, rocking back upon its shorter rear legs, it swiped at the Tuk’ata. Eqkaesyr was a trained hunter and used his body weight to counter the Nydak’s movements. His spiny tail snapped at the frustrated animal's forearms and body.

Seizing the opportunity, Shadow switched her lightsabers to a reverse grip and hunching over sprinted towards the Nydak. Eqkaesyr, sensing her intention through their bond, rotated his body to spring off with all four paws sending the beast sprawling backwards leaving its belly open for an attack.

Shadow swung both arms into her chest leaving glowing scars along the rib line. As Kamjin watched, concealed in the marshy brush, he shook the mud off his boots. I really wish Shadow had told me we were going out immediately to capture one of the creatures, as his mind momentarily wandered back to the events of the afternoon.

Shortly after landing with the first wave of troops, Shadow had contacted him to meet her. Sensing the urgency in her voice he had set off immediately, not realizing the coordinates were deep in the Uskil swamp.

Returning to the present, he saw Shadow’s move had left her at a disadvantage. The Nydak, no longer distracted by the Tuk’ata, brought its massive forearms crashing down. Whether by luck or Shadow’s skills at side-stepping her opponents the blows did not connect directly. However, as the ground rumbled her balance was thrown off. As she stumbled backwards, trusty Eqkaesyr sprinted back into the fray sinking its teeth into the rear leg of the Nydak.

Shadow took the opportunity to gain some distance, leaping backwards in a series of zig-zagging hops.

Kamjin took the opportunity to remove his command cloak and tunic. There was no need to get them dirty, nor was it wise to give a beast with massive arms and elongated middle claws an opportunity to grasp onto a fluttering cloak or his double-breast admiral’s tunic. He stretched, feeling the freedom of movement that his sleeveless formfit undershirt gave him.

Shadow, to her credit, had maneuvered the beast perfectly. It’s attention focused forward at Shadow’s dodging movements while bucking its rear legs against the continued gnawing attacks of Eqkaesyr. It was time for Kamjin to enter the fight.

Unclipping from his thighs both of his lightsabers he revealed himself as the crimson blade ignited in his right hand and his blue blade in his left. Rushing in from his flank position his blades connected in a criss-cross series of swings upon the beasts right forearm...to little effect. Sithspit, that’s right, it’s impossible to severe it’s arm Kamjin cursed remembering what Shadow had shared during their excursion. Kamjin assumed the glowing trails upon the beasts skin at least indicated it was taking some internal damage. Moving his attacks down the length of the forearm, he found one small weakness. As his crimson blade crossed back across the beast’s hand it connected with its claw, cleaving it off at the nunckle.

It howled in both surprise and pain, reeling to focus solely on Kamjin. Kamjin went to kick-off to flip backwards when his boots, lacking in tread for this terrain and already caked in mud, bit into the soil, sending him falling to the ground on his rear. Only years of training allowed him to hold onto his lightsabers, extinguishing the blades as he fell. His hands took the brunt of the fall. As the beast lunged on top of him, Eqkaesyr attacked again from the back, biting into its neck.

This momentary opening was all Kamjin needed to pull his hands out of the muck, leaving his lightsaber stuck for the moment in the ground, spreading his fingers wide he let loose an assault of Force Lightning. As the electricity struck the Nydak, Eqkaesyr leapt off nanoseconds before they struck. A testament to its familiarity with Sith and the Dark Side of the Force.

Dazed and confused by the seering lightning dancing over its body the Nydak leapt into the tree line. As it grasped the branch with its injured hand, it howled in pain and dropped to a lower branch and swung with its other hand deeper into the swamp.

Shadow lowered her blades and attached them back to her armored belt.

“Are you alright,” she asked?

Kamjin, hunched over extracting his lightsabers from the boggy ground, replied, “I should be fine.”

Shadow turned and gave him an inquisitive look, “I was asking Eqkaesyr.” She was kneeling beside her beloved Tuk’ata petting its fur and looking him over for any signs of serious injury.

“Ah, yes...well, I’m certain Eqqy is fine.”

Both Eqkaesyr and Shadow snapped their heads to look directly at Kamjin with a piercing stare. “There are no nicknames for Eqkaesyr.”

Kamjin held up his hands, with the dripping wet muddy sabers clutched, showing he surrendered the point.

Clipping them back to his thighs he lamented, “Those are going to be worthless for a while until they dry out. I haven’t had a need for insulation from watery conditions like this.”

“It’s alright,” Shadow handed him her Sith Dagger, “I’m sure you’ll be fine with this.” Kamjin took the blade and slid it into his belt. Looking in the direction of the Nydak, he could see damage to the trees and plants where its massive frame had carved a path.

“We’d better get going,” Kamjin said, “The sun is nearly down, and I don’t want to be out too long in the night. Who knows what other predators are riled up having that thing crashing through their terrority.”

“You’re right, we need to find it again quickly.” Shadow stood and gave Eqkaesyr one last loving pet behind the ear. “Eqkesyr, seek. Do not attack. Stay hidden” Kamjin almost believed it bowed in acknowledgement to its master’s orders then, just as before, it was off on the hunt again.

Ciara Tearnan Rothwell Tarentae, 12 February, 2021 6:01 PM UTC

What Went Well

This was a fun post with some good action, including a humorous fall into the mud saved by a tuk’ata and a healthy dose of Force lightning. While no one was seriously injured in this post, you did still introduce some peril with accidents like these and challenges like Kamjin losing the use of his lightsabers so early on. Though he’s offered a Sith dagger as a replacement, it’s not a weapon he’s familiar with, so it should be interesting to see how he completes the mission.

The “Eqqy” moment was cute. ;)

Room for Growth

At Shadow’s command, Kamjin let the chill powers of the Dark Side envelope him into the shadows as he flanked to the right of the enraged Alpha Nydak.

Per the power description of Force Cloak, the Force User must remain immobile when cloaked, so Kamjin can’t actually cloak “as” he’s moving to flank the beast. Shadow can because she has the Ghosting II feat of Shadows, but, as a Seeker, Kamjin cannot.

Returning to the present, he saw Shadow’s move had left her at a disadvantage.

The sentences preceding this one recalling details of Kamjin’s initial arrival really interrupted the flow of the action without adding anything to the story. There were a few moments like this that felt like they diverted and stalled the story’s pace for no real compelling reason, so just be mindful of the placement and intention behind certain scenes.

It’s jaw, unhinged and sharpened teeth found perch upon its prey. The Nydak flailed, rocking back upon its shorter rear legs, it swiped at the Tuk’ata.

The above is an example of some of the syntax issues I found throughout the post.

You persistently confuse “it’s” and “its.” Just remember that “it’s” always means “it is,” and “its” is simply showing possession. The comma after jaw is unnecessary and made the sentence mean something totally different than you intended (unhinged and sharpened both modifying teeth). This should’ve been, “Its jaw unhinged, and its sharpened teeth found perch upon its prey.”

In the second sentence, you ran into the same capitalization issues with the creature names as Shadow. See my comments on her post for explanation. This sentence also has structure problems due to incorrect comma usage. Rather than a comma after flailed, you should have used a period. “The nydak flailed. Rocking back upon its shorter rear legs, it swiped at the tuk’ata.”

In addition to the errors represented here, you had several typographical errors in your post that might’ve been caught with better proofing, like “severe” instead of “sever,” “nunckle” instead of “knuckle,” and a misspelling of an admittedly tricky tukata’s name.

Using the path of destruction that the Nydak had left in its wake, Shadow and her compatriot ventured further into the swamp. Judging by the direction they were going, the Empress was certain the beast was heading back towards the safety of its home as most wounded animals do. Sure enough, after their brisk walk through the wilderness, they came upon what remained of the habitat in a clearing. Already there was Eqkaesyr, standing guard by a wrecked entryway. Debris littered the grounds, having left ripples of scorch marks upon their impact as a testimony to the destruction of the Nesolat. The spot Eqkaesyr was guarding was the result of a much larger chunk of debris smashing through the habitat. Melted and twisted metal surrounded the gaping hole while rainwater filled the trench that deepened further into the building from where the plummeting, burning metal had burrowed in from its angled descent.

“Must’ve come here to nurse its wound,” Kamjin surmised as he approached where the Tuk’ata stood. “There’s fresh blood here on the ground. If we attack now, we may still have the advantage.”

“Perhaps, but even a wounded animal can be dangerous,” Shadow pointed out as she looked into the gaping hole. “Especially when backed into a corner. It had attacked us either as potential prey or to protect its territory. Now, it’s going to be fighting for its life. Not to mention, I can smell rain in the air and it’s getting dark. We’re going to have to be more aware of our surroundings once inside.”

The Warlord looked at the Adept. “Eqkaesyr will take the lead. He’ll see anything before we do. I’ll trail behind to make sure it doesn’t try to flank us.”

Kamjin nodded in acknowledgment. “Alright. Let’s get this thing and be done with it.”

The assassin turned her attention to Eqkaesyr. The beast eager to continue on the hunt, it immediately started off into the enclosure once given the command to lead. Both Sith followed suit, keeping their wits about them as they entered enemy territory. The Tuk’ata silently led them through the wreckage of what was left of a briefing room and a control center. Charred remains of staff from the initial impact and the resulting fire were strewn on the floor and across a few consoles. Accompanying them were also bits of bones and incomplete skeletons, the work of the beast as it had attacked injured those unfortunate enough to survive but unable to escape.

The next area was the habitat itself. Where once stood observation windows, a large opening now marked the creature’s point of escape. In the darkness, Shadow could make out the debris that had wreaked havoc on the facility. It was only when lightning flashed from the arriving storm did Shadow see the Alpha Nydak itself perched on top as it continuously licked its wounded hand.

“Now’s our chance. Kamjin, you and I will circle around in opposite directions. Once I have Eqkaesyr get its attention, we’ll both strike at the same time. We’ll catch it unawares, and hopefully, be able to overpower it with Eqkaesyr’s help.”

Shadow smirked. “It’s now or never,” she stated before suddenly vanishing from her companion’s sight. Silently and slowly, the invisible Sith stayed close to the curving wall of the enclosure until she was positioned behind the beast at right flank. She saw movement in the shadows where Kamjin revealed himself once he reached his position soon after. Forsaking her invisibility, she reached out to Eqkaesyr in the Force and gave him the one-word command: “Challenge.”

The Tuk’ata spared no time in announcing his presence, the Sith Hound leaping forth from the shadows and roaring at his opponent. The Alpha Nydak looked up from nursing its wound and roared back in response as it got into a pouncing position upon its perch. With its focus on Eqkaesyr, Shadow sprinted forth and leaped at the beast in silence with Kamjin launching his attack from where he had been hidden.

Brilliant lightning stretched forth from his fingers and smacked into the beast’s hide. The beast roared in pain, and turned to face its attacker, confusion setting upon it just as Shadow’s lightsabers came to life with a snap-hiss and she plunged both blades into its flank with a downward strike. Both blades were barely able to penetrate the angered Alpha’s side, and the assassin quickly placed her feet against the beast before propelling herself away from it into a backflip. Once she had landed on her two feet, the Sith found herself needing to jump back again as the monster was already on the ground, lashing at her with insurmountable rage.

While she began to dart away from and parry each of its strikes, Eqkaesyr charged and leaped upon the Nydak’s back in an effort to weigh down the beast while trying to dig its fangs into the thick hide wherever it could. The Tuk’ata broke its attack and leaped away from the beast as another barrage of Force lightning struck the monster. Enraged by the second attack from Kamjin, it turned and launched itself at the human.

“Kamjin! Catch!” the Sephi hybrid ordered as she extinguished her red blade and threw it to the Adept. Barely catching it in time, the older Sith quickly activated the blade and parried an incoming blow. The red blade connected with the palm of the animal’s hand, searing the softer flesh. The Alpha howled in pain, backing off a bit. Kamjin didn’t allow it any reprieve and went on the offensive. Eqkaesyr saw his chance and sprung unto the back of the beast once more.

Driven mad with more confusion and pain, the Alpha Nydak reared up on its hind legs before slamming forward back on its forearms and fists in an attempt to throw off the Tuk’ata. Shadow, who was about to press on the attack herself, saw an opportunity and extended herself in the Force to the beast. Tendrils of fear plunged into the creature’s mind, meeting much resistance from its rage. Though not strong enough to cripple the beast, it was enough to distract the predator for just a few seconds. Enough for Kamjin to land a detrimental blow.

“Kamjin! Now’s your chance!”

With a dagger in one hand and the saber in another, he back-slashed one eye and plunged the dagger into another, just deep enough to tear it out while missing the brain. The anguish and agony sent the beast roaring as it grasped its face, the human just barely able to avoid being crushed as it thrashed around. Eqkaesyr leaped off its back and was getting ready to rush again when he was suddenly sent flying from an unexpected backhand strike. The Tuk'ata struck the wall hard, his muscles seizing up from the shock of the impact.

“Eqkaesyr!” The Empress was ready to run to her companion’s aid, but wasn’t given the chance. Following the sound of her voice, the Alpha Nydak charged in her direction. The Sith dove out of its path and was quickly back on her feet as the monster turned around trying to pinpoint where its prey was.

Sithspit! This thing is still going. Shouldn’t be too long before exhaustion kicks in. Just gotta dance with it until it finally crashes.

“Kamjin! We need to tire it out! We attack together!” she commanded before charging forward with her lightsaber in hand, the Sith ready to finally end this fight.

Ciara Tearnan Rothwell Tarentae, 12 February, 2021 6:02 PM UTC

What Went Well

It was only when lightning flashed from the arriving storm [that] Shadow [saw] the Alpha Nydak itself perched on top as it continuously licked its wounded hand.

A bit of a syntax issue here, but I really liked the image itself, so I’m including it as a positive. ;)

“Eqkaesyr!” The Empress was ready to run to her companion’s aid, but wasn’t given the chance. Following the sound of her voice, the Alpha Nydak charged in her direction. The Sith dove out of its path and was quickly back on her feet as the monster turned around trying to pinpoint where its prey was.

Nooo, Eqkaesyr! For me, this was a positive with some room for growth, as well.

As far as the story goes, the tuk’ata being seriously injured was compelling because … well, probably because I care more for beasties than humans ... and because it takes one of the team’s strongest allies out of the equation. I also liked that you used Shadow’s compassion for her companion to cause her to make a potentially costly mistake in giving away her position to the wounded nydak, but the fact that she so swiftly moved out of its path and away from that danger really lessened the impact it could have had. Take the time to let those moments have some weight!

Room for Growth

Both blades were barely able to penetrate the angered Alpha’s side, and the assassin quickly placed her feet against the beast before propelling herself away from it into a backflip.

This perfectly-executed backflip and Shadow’s subsequent leaps backward to avoid a huge creature with long arms started to push realism for me with Shadow’s +2 Athletics. She might’ve pulled this off with Amplification (and gained some needed distance from the beast), but you made no indication that she was relying on anything other than her own physical abilities.

With a dagger in one hand and the saber in another, he back-slashed one eye and plunged the dagger into another, just deep enough to tear it out while missing the brain.

This move – especially with some implied precision in the dagger strike – really goes beyond the +0 skill level Kamjin actually possesses with Bladed Weapons like the dagger.

Accompanying them were also bits of bones and incomplete skeletons, the work of the beast as it had attacked injured those unfortunate enough to survive but unable to escape.

Looks you couldn’t decide on which word to use during editing and accidentally kept them both.

“Now’s our chance. Kamjin, you and I will circle around in opposite directions. Once I have Eqkaesyr get its attention, we’ll both strike at the same time. We’ll catch it unawares, and hopefully, be able to overpower it with Eqkaesyr’s help.”

Shadow smirked. “It’s now or never,” she stated before suddenly vanishing from her companion’s sight.

Breaking dialogue with paragraphs generally indicates that you’ve changed speakers, but you’ve done it here and another place in the match without any change in speaker. While that may seem like a nitpick, it can be confusing to the reader.

Kamjin charged back into the fray, matching Shadow’s pace. The feel of her saber felt awkward in his hand as he tightened his grip while trying to avoid the sharpened beveled blade near the emitter. Why did she design this saber like this, he thought as he and Shadow both clashed with the Alpha Nydak.

As their blades pushed into it’s foremans, glowing skin began to buckle beneath their onslaught. The beast, tired and enraged, gave a sluggish knockback with its forearms at the two Sith. They both leapt back, noticing it was becoming easier to evade. Eqkaesyr gave a whimpering howl from the wall where he struggled to lift his head. Shadow felt it before Kamjin heard it.

“Kamjin, look out!”

Kamjin ducked as the beast lunged after him. Forgoing any acrobatics, Kamjin broke out in a flat run to escape the beast. Shadow stood, momentarily shocked at the sight of Kamjin pumping his bare arms and legs in full on sprint as the wounded Nydak chased after him.

“Shadow, are you,” Kamjin was starting to huff from the exertion, “going to help?”

Shadow, still torn between the pain she felt from Eqkaesyr and her duty as a Consul. She would have preferred to rush to her companions side but her sense of duty won out. Her silvery white blade lit the darkened room and then the sky broke. The rain Shadow had sensed fell from the sky in a sudden downpour. The rain sizzled against her lightsaber blade and she slowed to avoid slipping upon the freshly wet ground.

Kamjin, now regretting leaving his uniform and cloak behind, sensed an opportunity. Carefully taking measure of the land, he located a piece of debris ahead of him that appeared firmly rooted in the ground. As he approached it, he jumped, planting both feet upon the debris. He was right, it was firmly rooted and it didn’t budge as he sprang off of it in the reverse direction.

The Nydak, seeing out of only his single remaining eye, didn’t catch the rapid movement. As Kamjin sprang back at him, the Sith ignited the borrowed blade and rotated to slide on his back upon the slippery ground. Holding the blade with two hands pointed upward from his chest it sliced through the softened underside of the beast. While its hide was able to protect it from being cleaved in two, the blade did connect with several sensitive areas.

The beast reached down and grasped at itself. Collapsing and sliding upon its shoulder before crashing into the wall. It’s once mighty roar now and dullen whimper of itself. Shadow came upon Kamjin, slick from the rain coming back to his feet.

“It’s beyond injured physically. Now, it’s time to take the battle to its mind.” Kamjin huffed, spitting out some muddy water.

“Kam...there’s got to be another way.” She knew what he was asking, but a small spark inside of her did not want to subject the beast, regardless of their mission, to that. “It’ll be quicker than us continuing to slash at it. Now, hurry, while it’s dazed.”

Shadow exhaled and fell into the swirling abyss of the Dark Side. The sounds of the thunderous storm faded away. To people attitude to the Force a dark shadow could be seen clawing its way out from her. It crawled like thick molasses over the Nydak before rearing back and plunging into its mind.

Shadow saw flashes of memories of the experiments performed upon the beast. The saws and needles as its flesh was torn open and rebuilt. Each time becoming stronger and more calloused to protect against lightsabers. The whirls of the machinery that the beast could not comprehend and the faceless captures that subjected him to it.

Kamjin stood apart from Shadow as her closed eyes contorted at the images she was subjected to. He was fixated upon the beast, watching it writhe in renewed terror at its torment. Unlike Shadow, Kamjin savored the moment. While he was not particularly sadistic, he fed upon the dark energies being unleashed.

The Nydak, despite being an alpha, was meowing like a cub. As lightning struck in the distance in its mindseye it relived the shocking blasts given to it to perform feats of strength against various opponents. Its whole life spent waging battle after battle and then having it’s skin flayed open and reshaped.

Kamjin got his com out and radioed for a creature capture team to join them. “Control, we’ve got this Alpha Nydak under control. We shouldn’t have any problem when you arrive.”

With effort Shadow brought herself out of her trance. The Nydak was clutching itself in a fetal position. Its mind shattered. Shadow looked at it and then to Kamjin, who nodded that it was done.

Shadow let out a sigh of relief and then rushed to Eqkaesyr’s side. The Tuk’ata had managed to situate itself, licking its injured body. Shadow embraced it and the beast gave her a head nudge of acknowledgement that it would be fine.

“Good job, Eqqy!” Kamjin beamed as the rain started to abate.

Both Eqkaesyr and Shadow snapped at him in unison for the nickname as Kamjin barrel laughed until the transport team arrived.

Ciara Tearnan Rothwell Tarentae, 12 February, 2021 6:04 PM UTC

What Went Well

This was a fairly dramatic end with some interesting elements with the nydak’s memories that might have helped establish some empathy in the reader, but it had some realism issues that really distracted from those positives.

Room for Growth

While the images/memories that Shadow sees in the nydak’s mind do not truly affect the outcome of this match, they are not technically possible with the Terror power in our system (which just lets the user cause fear without giving them any real information about those fears).

With effort Shadow brought herself out of her trance. The Nydak was clutching itself in a fetal position. Its mind shattered. Shadow looked at it and then to Kamjin, who nodded that it was done. Shadow let out a sigh of relief and then rushed to Eqkaesyr’s side.

Here, the effect of Shadow’s use of Terror and/or Debilitating Fear is a major detractor. The Terror power clearly states that its effects will last “as long as the user maintains concentration and typically lingers a few minutes. Individuals with high Resolve may shake off the effects more quickly, while the effects linger on in weak-willed individuals for considerably longer.”

You wrote Shadow completely “shattering” the mind of the creature to the point that she could not only break concentration but literally walk away without fear the beast would get up again. That’s not at all within the realm of the power or the feat. Creatures don’t have Resolve in our system, but their tamability is a good substitute for it in this situation – and you’re dealing with an untamable creature. Shadow’s earlier example of using Terror was closer to how it could accurately be used – meeting resistance and ultimately only serving to distract the creature long enough for Kamjin to get a strike in. Also keep in mind that causing terror in an animal is far more likely to trigger a fight or flight response than paralysis, so you might want to be careful about that particular tactic in general. ;)

Carefully taking measure of the land, he located a piece of debris ahead of him that appeared firmly rooted in the ground. As he approached it, he jumped, planting both feet upon the debris. He was right, it was firmly rooted and it didn’t budge as he sprang off of it in the reverse direction.

A couple of realism points here. The previous match posts established that it is now so dark that Shadow was at one point using lightning flashes to even identify the beast, yet Kamjin is spotting useful debris on the ground ahead while in a full sprint. Then, he proceeds to leap upon it, spring off of it in the reverse direction and slide under the nydak. The trouble is … he only has +1 Perception (for spotting things in daylight), +1 Athletics and +1 Stamina to support all of that. As the reader, I just don’t buy it.

As their blades pushed into it’s foremans, glowing skin began to buckle beneath their onslaught.

Definitely could’ve used some more proofing on this post! You’ve made the “its” mistake again and given the nydak foremans instead of forearms. There were a few other obvious errors like that in the post, like “attitude” instead of “attuned” and “faceless captures” instead of “faceless captors.”