Augur Aiden Lee Deshra vs. Savant Sera Kaern

Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Savant Sera Kaern

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Zabrak, Force Disciple, Marauder, Sentinel
Comment

First of all, I would like to take a moment to thank you two both with your extreme patience in the judging of this battle and for your hard-fought participation in the SARLACC 2021 event, even when you both had so much going on. We're honored to have this match to judge at all, and you should both be proud of your efforts, even if you would've liked to do more.

Both of you took the same hits in this match for a lack of Aiden's involvement as a character/with the combat in your first posts, but Sera's had the extra oomph to take the Story score. That said, this was one of the creature mutations and features I truly liked, as it all tied together so nicely, from Aiden's fire traps to Sera's introducing the dragon I mean roggwart's invulnerability to said fire and the fact that it barrel-chested breathed fire too. Really seemed like this Proconsul-Aedile pair walked into a heated situation (I mean, geez, that's one bloodthirsty crowd chanting you got there). Try to not be dispirited by neither scores nor comments; Realism or Syntax errors aside, you two are ACC heavyweights, and this battle is one more for your records.

All that said, there can only be one dragonslayer winner, and that is Sera Kaern. Congratulations, and I look forward to the battles you both write next.

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Aiden Lee Deshra, Savant Sera Kaern
Winner Savant Sera Kaern
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Sera Kaern's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [SCENARIO] SARLACC 2021, Round 2: Arx Colosseum
Last Post 26 February, 2021 6:25 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra Sera Kaern
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Repeated errors throughout slightly hampering readability. Rationale: Errors in second post slightly hampering readability.
Story - 40%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra Sera Kaern
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Lack of combat from both characters in first post earned a Detractor, while nothing particularly leaped out to elevate the score again. Rationale: Lack of combat from both characters in first post earned a Detractor, but quality of posts and conclusion nearly brought this back up to a 4.
Realism - 25%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra Sera Kaern
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor Detractor for Power usage in second post, see comments. Rationale: None found.
Continuity - 20%
Master Aiden Lee Deshra Sera Kaern
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None found. Rationale: One tiny error in internal consistency of roggwart vs Roggwart.
Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 3.25 Sera Kaern's Score: 3.85
Posts

colosseum

Arx’s Colosseum is a monument to the original Petranaki arena on Geonosis, the site where the Clone Wars began with an epic clash between Jedi and Sith. However, instead of confining itself to a decrepit ruin, the Colosseum stands as an example of what the Geonosian arena once was.

Walls tall enough to be unscalable for even the most practiced Force-user surround a theatre the size of a holoball field, floored with sandy soil. Above, rows of seats are packed together into sections for spectators to observe the carnage. The dignitaries who preside over the gladiator matches instead find themselves in an elongated platform “box”, with the large stone throne reserved for the most prestigious among them, flanked by smaller seats for their companions. Large holo-projection screens occupy each of the Colosseum’s walls, displaying images of the combat below streamed by the cam droids that circle the arena.

The arena floor itself is, naturally, more dangerous than it appears. A wide assortment of traps are concealed beneath the dirt and sand, including but not limited to: retractable fire-spewing nozzles, power coils firing bolts of lightning, electrified floor panels, deadfalls lined with spikes, and even obelisks that simply erupt from the ground. These traps are operated by sentient technicians in the Colosseum’s control room, well away from the fighting.

You and another member of the Brotherhood have been tasked by the Headmistress of the Shadow Academy with gathering research data on a wide variety of dangerous creatures. In addition to the normal raucous crowds, sophisticated scanning equipment has been set up around the Colosseum floor to monitor the creatures’ behavior and vital signs under a variety of circumstances—including combat and injury.

Your goal in this scenario is twofold: provoke the creatures and hold their attention for long enough that the Shadow Academy scanners can collect a wide variety of physiological data, and prevent the creatures from destroying the scanning equipment placed in the Colosseum by the Academy researchers. Once those tasks are complete, you will be free to leave the arena (if you can) and claim your reward.

The Headmistress would strongly prefer the creature be left alive and useful after the experiment is finished. She would also "prefer" that you not interfere with the research by attempting to rescue the creature, but you may do so at your own peril.

“Next fight! Next fight! Next fight! Next fight!”

The chanting could be heard even in the preparation chambers. The audience outside had been enjoying the ‘research experiments’ that had taken place throughout the day, and the results had left them ravenous for more. Aiden was already tired after his experiences hunting down these creatures. And now, to be placed on display like some circus performer? The Force Disciple was not amused.

The Human looked over to Sera Kaern, his companion for this fight. The Zabrakian Aedile of House Galeres was a formidable fighter, but young in this Brotherhood. She seemed excited and ready to fight against whatever monstrosity was waiting for them. But she was untested by her Proconsul, and that made working together a difficult thing to do.

“Be calm, Sera. We don’t yet know what we’re up against,” Aiden rolled his shoulders, stretching and preparing for the coming conflict.

“After surviving Iridonia, there’s nothing here that’s going to be a problem,” Sera responded, remembering her tribal upbringing.

“Whatever it is we face, we can be sure its enhancements are nothing to scoff at,” Aiden was trying to take this situation seriously, and making sure she did the same.

“I helped capture many of these beasts, Aiden, same as you. I understand what we’re up against,” the Zabrak was slightly annoyed at the insistent tone her superior was giving her.

A nearby light in the room began to flash, indicating that it was time for the two Arconans to enter the coliseum. Aiden and Sera walked the long, dark corridor and into the sun. The arena was covered in a dusty brownish sand, with high rising walls surrounding the holoball sized field. The crowd cheered and yelled for more action. They were lively and hungry for blood, either the fighters or the creatures, they didn’t care which.

“So where is this beast we’re fighting?” Sera asked as the two Force users looked over the arena. “Let’s get on with it already.”

“I wouldn’t sound so impatient if I were you.”

Sera and Aiden looked at each other as a loud roar echoed throughout the arena. On the opposing end of the field, a large stone slab opened, and out of the newly revealed doorway a large black creature stomped out onto the field. Drool dripped from its massive fangs. Its claws and forked tail were readied to kill.

“Is that a Roggwart?” Sera asked wide eyed.

“A very large Roggwart. Extreme caution is needed now,” Aiden responded, pulling out his Shadow Academy Sith Sword. Sera noticed his choice in weapon and gave him a look. “We’re not supposed to kill this thing. A lightsaber might be a bit much at the moment.”

“Agreed.” Sera responded as she grabbed her dagger and ran forward towards the creature.

Aiden merely shook his head at the Zabrak’s headfirst approach. Something in the back of his mind told him things weren’t as they seemed. The beast was obviously changed by the Grand Master’s ritual. It was larger and looked more lethal than others of its kind. But it wasn’t just that, the arena itself made him uneasy. Even still, he moved to join his fellow Arconan in battle.

As Sera approached the beast, it rushed forward at her. She dropped down while running, narrowly dodging a wide slash from its claws and sliding between the creatures legs. Slashing her dagger at its ankles, she noticed that the blade barely scratched the thick hide on the monstrosity. Her body almost moved on its own as the Force screamed into her mind and she rolled out of the way of the Roggwart’s sharp tail.

Sera got to her feet and had to jump out of the way of another strike from the creature’s claws. It bellowed out a massive roar in her direction. This Roggwart was angry. It was far more viscous and volatile than any she had seen before. As the creature charged again, Sera grinned, rolling away from another swipe of its claws. Unfortunately, she rolled right into the path of its tail bashing into her. The Arconan was knocked backward off of her feet. Dropping her dagger, she hit the dirt hard and coughed out in pain.

Aiden rushed to help his partner, but as he ran over the sand he heard a slight click. His body reacted of its own accord, rolling out of the way of a series of fire streams spouting from the ground where he had been.

“What in the blazes?”

The arena had been riddled with traps as well as the modified beast. This fight had only just begun, and already they were at a huge disadvantage it seemed. The crowd seemed to love this though. Their chanting grew louder. They were out for blood. The Proconsul was unsure who they were rooting for though. The monster, or them.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 17 March, 2021 8:15 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

They were out for blood. The Proconsul was unsure who they were rooting for though. The monster, or them.

You've done a nice job of setting up a bloodthirsty crowd and the generally threatening atmosphere as a backdrop for this test. Sera and Aiden have an exchange, the roggwart is introduced, Sera charges right in per The Sera Way ™, it gets spectacularly fiery very quickly...all good tense fun and some nice combat from our favorite Zabrak.


Can Be Improved

That said, we get no combat from Aiden in this post against the creature, which is nearly tantamount to no combat at all, given our scenario sort of event setting of both combatants vs the creatures they face. This brought your Story score down without anything substantial to bring it back up. I had a couple of questioning moments with Sera's seeming grumpiness vs her eternally cheery Aspects, and was a little unsure if either of them really knew anything about roggwarts or not, with some mixed signals.

The other major thing was your Syntax: missing possessives instead of plurals, lack of commas, capitalization of roggwart, which is not a proper noun. There's also the dialogue punctuation.

“Agreed.” Sera responded as she grabbed her dagger and ran forward towards the creature.

When punctuating dialogue, the simplest explanation I can give is that you must treat dialogue as either part of the sentence or removable from it. That is, whatever action is connected to the dialogue is either standalone, in which case you can use a period inside your quotes and capitalize outside it, or it's connected, and the text would be a fragment if it didn't have the dialogue.

So it looks like this, if we pretend that Sera said nothing: "Sera responded as she grabbed her dagger and ran forward towards the creature." Responded what? We've got a verb, and we've got a subject in "Sera," but we don't have the object. We don't have whatever it is that's been shouted. We're clueless. The sentence doesn't make sense on its own because it is missing half of it.

  • "Agreed," Sera responded as she grabbed her dagger and ran forward towards the creature.

And then, later on:

“Be calm, Sera. We don’t yet know what we’re up against,” Aiden rolled his shoulders, stretching and preparing for the coming conflict.

“After surviving Iridonia, there’s nothing here that’s going to be a problem,” Sera responded, remembering her tribal upbringing.

“Whatever it is we face, we can be sure its enhancements are nothing to scoff at,” Aiden was trying to take this situation seriously, and making sure she did the same.

“I helped capture many of these beasts, Aiden, same as you. I understand what we’re up against,” the Zabrak was slightly annoyed at the insistent tone her superior was giving her.

Contrastingly, these excerpts all face the issue of being connected because of the comma inside of the dialogue, but the action/verb has nothing to do with them actually speaking. Aiden rolling his shoulders is its own action. It does not apply to his dialogue. This is another common error, where writers use actions/intents/etc as the verbiage next to their dialogue to explain and show more, but those verbs don't make sense with the dialogue itself. They make sense as a thing the subject is doing, they just have to be separate. Thus, it works with the dialogue ending at a period, fully closed, and the next sentence on its own:

  • “Be calm, Sera. We don’t yet know what we’re up against.” Aiden rolled his shoulders, stretching and preparing for the coming conflict.
  • “After surviving Iridonia, there’s nothing here that’s going to be a problem,” Sera responded, remembering her tribal upbringing.
  • “Whatever it is we face, we can be sure its enhancements are nothing to scoff at.” Aiden was trying to take this situation seriously, and making sure she did the same.
  • “I helped capture many of these beasts, Aiden, same as you. I understand what we’re up against.” The Zabrak was slightly annoyed at the insistent tone her superior was giving her.

Some examples of several other ways dialogue can be punctuated correctly, just so you can see the differences:

  • "Enhancements are nothing to scoff at," advised Aiden.
  • "I understand what we're up against." Sera readied her vambrace.
  • "My arm is enhanced," Aiden commented, eyes faraway. "Except I can't show you that, because it would be against the 'cosmetic in the ACC' rules."
  • "Boo!" Sera whined, thinking it would be cool.
  • "I know, right?" Aiden threw up his hands, totally out of character to make a point by now. "Just think what Kord would do with a custom cybernetic tail."

The mind plays interesting tricks when one is inches from death. At the moment when the senses should be at their sharpest, they blur. Feeling and sensation blend with thought and imagination, a haze in the mind.

Heat, from the fire, and the ache in Sera’s chest. The roar of the crowd, and the roar of the beast. A claw descending towards her. Her name being called, and a short, silvery hilt flying through the air.

Sera blinked. Her mind cleared.

She caught the hilt of Aiden’s shoto-saber in midair, the violet blade burst to life in a flash. The Zabrak didn’t even need to swing at the claw about to close over her skull; a twitch of the wrist was enough to send the blade hissing against hide. Thick, leathery skin resisted for a moment before the plasma burned through, severed claws falling to the sand beside Sera’s head. The massive creature screeched in pain, thick saliva spraying over the Zabrak’s visor, and she rolled away just in time to dodge the massive, sickle-clawed foot that smashed down where she had just been.

As Sera rolled, she found that the heat of the fire had grown...insistent, into a searing pain. She found the source rather quickly. The jets of fire that had sprung from the arena’s floor had ignited the trailing edge of her cloak, a fire now travelling up her lower back. Hissing with pain, the Zabrak ripped the ruined cloth from her shoulders, and threw it directly at the roggwart as she scrambled away. Reaching her free hand out, she caught the blazing garment with a telekinetic grip, wrapping it around the beast’s face like a set of searing blinders, horribly tangled in its horns.

Confused, angry, and agonized, the roggwart stumbled backwards. It bought Sera enough time to reach Aiden as the gouts of flame that separated them died away, only for more to spring up at their side. A cursory glance revealed their pattern; a line of holes arranged in concentric circles stretched towards the arena’s perimeter. They burned one at a time, forming rings of fire that lasted a second or two before burning away. “You’re good?” Aiden asked urgently, blue-green eyes locked on the roggwart’s thrashing frame.

“...Think I cracked a rib,” Sera panted, flinching just slightly as she poked her side. “And my ass is grilled rare. Otherwise...good.” Somehow, the Zabrak managed a smile as she handed her Proconsul his shoto, fists clenching as she pulled at the Force. It suffused her, filled her, giving her the strength to suppress her body’s pain. At least for the moment.

“I believe we may need to rethink our strategy,” Aiden stated tersely, brow furrowing. Behind them, the ring of fire reached the arena’s perimeter, lighting his face before burning out again. It resumed at the center, beginning to march towards them. “Sabers might be necessary…”

“Just like hunting Sand Caulkers, back on Iridonia,” Sera responded, sliding her Zabraki dagger back into its sheath and pulling her saber from her belt. “Flank, one on either side. One gets the thing’s attention...the other goes for the hamstrings. We take it together.”

“Somehow...I doubt it will be all that simple. The thing barely seemed modified. They must have done something to it…”

The roggwart was clawing at the burning armorweave that had tangled around its horns. Both of them felt what was coming next before it happened. Rearing back, the monstrous reptile gave a screeching roar, the fang-filled maw stretching impossibly wide. Its muscular chest puffed out, glossy black flesh glowing. Then, the beast lashed forward, and unleashed a wave of yellow-orange fire, pouring out from its jaws. The very heat of it disintegrated the cloak wrapped around its face, the gout of flame rippling through the air towards the duo. They dodged in unison, Aiden rolling left, Sera pivoting to the right. Sand boiled to bubbling glass. Aiden felt his hair smolder, the tip of his cloak igniting by mere proximity. As he came out of his roll, panting, he found himself staring the creature down, beady black eyes locked with his. Its flesh hadn’t even been singed by the burning cloth that had wrapped around it. Externally, at least, the beast was resistant to the fire that it could spew.

The roggwart roared a ferocious challenge, advancing with a shambling gait. The crowd screamed alongside it, just as bloodthirsty as the beast.

Aiden charged silently. He didn’t need the Force to know that Sera would be by his side.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 17 March, 2021 8:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The mind plays interesting tricks when one is inches from death. At the moment when the senses should be at their sharpest, they blur. Feeling and sensation blend with thought and imagination, a haze in the mind.

Heat, from the fire, and the ache in Sera’s chest. The roar of the crowd, and the roar of the beast. A claw descending towards her. Her name being called, and a short, silvery hilt flying through the air.

As is the usual treat to reading your writing, you had some very nice description and dramatic beats in the narration itself, pacing it nicely and drawing us right in as if we're wearing Sera's skin. The combat that followed was solid and clever, with the cloak trick, and the mutation you have the roggwart was seriously, genuinely cool and tied nicely back into the trap set up that Aiden began with. You took that narrative thread and made it your own.

Favorite line in this whole post, been stuck with me for days, it's delicious: "Sand boiled to bubbling glass."


Can Be Improved

Unfortunately, even by the second post now, we still have no combat from Aiden himself. He dodges and charges at the last line, but that's it. He's basically just standing there for half this battle, a set piece figure only in the drop of a name. The fact that both you and Aiden did this in your respective first posts put you on equal footing for the Story detractors, but be careful in the future to more actively involve your opponent if fighting against another target.

We had a bit of discussion as a staff as to whether Sera's wrapping the cloak around the roggwart's head got into Telekinetic Weapons territory, but decided against that. I'm leaving a note merely to warn that anything more complicated, like using it as a lasso or leash or some suchlike, would probably tread into more dangerous territory. Very clever, though, and it worked just fine here. You had a few syntax hiccups, but the post was mostly clean: a dropped/missing "and," an excess and missing comma, a trespassing semicolon.

As Aiden charged the roggwart the beast spewed another stream of flames from its maw. The Force Disciple rolled out of the way of the intense heat. The creature stomped towards the Proconsul and swiped at him with its remaining clawed hand. He brought his metallic arm up to protect himself and was launched backward by the roggwart’s brute strength. Aiden’s lightsaber fell from his grasp and clattered across the sandy arena floor as his body rolled hard.

Sera took the roggwart’s distracted attention to her advantage and moved to leap on the beast’s back. Pain hampered her movements and her cracked rib broke her concentration causing her to miss her target. She reached out and grabbed one of the beast’s back protrusions, only to grit her teeth as more intense pain spiked through her body. The muscles around her rib contracted and the inflamed surrounding tissues screamed in agony.

The roggwart growled as it felt the Zabrak holding onto its back. It swung around harshly, and Sera was forced to let go, her body rolling across the sand. She gasped out in pain before trying to stand back on her feet. She could see the creature inhaling, readying itself to launch more flames. Before it could do so, Aiden leaped in front of the injured Aedile and put all of his concentration into creating a wall between himself and the roggwart. The Force formed a thin shield that shimmered in the air as fire collided against it. Aiden could feel the intense heat being held back, and he hoped he could hold out long enough for the fire breath to stop.

Sera wheezed as she hobbled away from the battle, and she tried channeling the Force into her body. She felt a cooling sensation around her ribs as she tried to speed up the fracture’s healing process. While the effect was slow going, she could feel it working, and the pain was lessening. Aiden groaned as his barrier failed, and flames licked against his hands, burning the skin and heating the metal. The flames ended before too much damage could be done, but the Force Desciple was in serious need of medical treatment for his hands.

The roggwart moved towards the Human and swiped at him with its claws. He dodged the strike, but his concentration was not fully on his movements, and he tripped before dropping into the sand. Sera noticed her partner’s situation, and while she was not fully recovered, she launched herself back into the fight. Her lightsaber in her grasp, she slashed at the roggwart, the creature recognizing the weapon backed away in fear. It had lost one set of claws to the plasmic blade and didn’t want to lose any more.

“You ok, Aiden?” Sera asked in concern for her Proconsul.

“I will be. I just need a minute. These burns don’t exactly tickle.” he responded between pained breaths.

“I’ll keep this beast busy, get ready to back me up,” she told the Human.

“Roger that, Sera. Show me what you can do. You’re and Aedile of Clan Arcona. I have faith in your abilities.”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 17 March, 2021 8:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I was pleased by the close attention you paid to Sera's wound from the previous post, right out the gate, making it hamper her even as she tries to fight and fight on while injured, something definitely on point to her Aspects. I was especially pleased that despite that resolve and stubbornness, her attempts actually failed due to the wound, and she had to pull back to treat it before she could get back into the thick of things.

This post also finally gives us our combat and involvement from both characters, via Sera climbing and slashing the roggwart in immediate defense of her ally, and in Aiden using his Barrier abilities to protect Sera and himself from our dragon— I mean, yeah, roggwart. Him giving her a little "show us what you can do, I hired you for a reason" pep moment as the Proconsul is a nice touch.


Can Be Improved

Sera wheezed as she hobbled away from the battle and she tried channeling the Force into her body. She felt a cooling sensation around her ribs as she tried to speed up the fracture’s healing process. While the effect was slow going, she could feel it working, and the pain was lessening.

You caught a Minor Detractor here for Realism on skittering Power usage. Even at +3, Healing still needs to tire the user, as it takes energy from them as well as concentration/time, a common mistake. You ticked the boxes for the slow effect and that she had to "disengage" from the battle to do it — presumably concentrating — but we see no fatigue or other expenditure from Sera in order to actually heal herself.

Other than that, the biggest issue here was in your Syntax. Most of your errors are the same sort as your first post, but there were so many that it distracted some from reading. I know for a fact that you had barely any time left to get this post in, so I congratulate you for its completion and understand WHY they're there...but it was still more difficult to read.

Faith. Faith in her abilities. Trust in her intent. Confidence in her loyalty, her strength, her selflessness. She could sense what Aiden was feeling, touching at the edges of his mind. She knew that he was genuine.

Just as genuine as the bloodlust, stark and overpowering, flooding into the arena from around them. The savage anger of the Roggwart, hungry and in excruciating pain, striving to slaughter them both. And, their fear. The beast’s fear. Aiden’s fear. Her own fear.

Light and dark.

Sera gave her Proconsul a bright, shining grin, through bloodstained teeth and the pain of her half-healed rib. The Zabrak reached out, placed a hand on the human’s shoulder, and melded to him. It happened in a flash, their internal rhythms synchronizing to each other, to the beating of their hearts. “We’ve got this. Be done in a hot second, yeah?”

She was moving before Aiden could even react to the pun, plumes of sand kicking up behind her as she charged directly at the roggwart, burning saber in her hand. Sera could see the plumes of flame poured from the arena floor behind it, approaching with a steady beat. She dropped into as she crossed the next line of jets, just before the wall of flames first to life, coming to rest unsigned. The roggwart’s gaze was locked on her as she looked up, coils of smoke curling around its black, leathery hide. It regarded her with a dark, bloodthirsty gaze, its fang-filled maw falling open, barrel-like chest expanding outward as it took in air. Already, she was moving...but Sera made no move to dodge. Light and dark. Fire and ash.

Balance. Her bond with Aiden wasn’t telepathic or precognitive. Rather, it was...sympathetic, coordinating them, holding them together, augmenting their awareness of the other. She could feel him in the Force. A steady, plodding tune, balanced and even, matching to her rising song in a beautiful harmony. He was there for her. The roggwart’s jaws opened, preparing to unleash a stream of flame that would burn her to ash and cinder. Then, they snapped shut with violent, crushing force as a telekinetic grip closed over them. A smile spread across Aiden’s face as he clutched tighter, limping closer with his saber held in his free hand.

Sera held her charge, sprinting directly at the beast. Unburned, it lashed out with its one good claw, but she dropped into a fluid slide, one that she had practiced almost all her life with K’thri...and though she wasn’t quite large enough to sweep this creature’s leg, as she normally would have done, there were other options available.

In the last moment of her slide, Sera caught herself and whirled, bringing her saber around and smashing it against the flesh and the back of the roggwart’s knee. When the flesh resisted, she pushed with all she had, calling the Force to amplify her strength...until she felt a familiar give. Hide and muscle buckled, and the tendon of the hamstring parted, then snapped with a sickening wet thwck. The roggwart screamed in sudden agony, its leg buckling beneath it. Sera scrambled away from the scrabbling beast, barely avoiding the tail as it lashed over her head. The limb buckled, and the roggwart fell heavily to the hard packed sand. Crippled, it had no way to fight and nowhere to go, scrabbling desperately away from the source of its agony. Sera, for her own part, was trying to blink black dots from her eyes as she sat up. Between the healing, the meld, and the last spot of amplification, it was a miracle that she was even conscious. She looked up as Aiden offered her a hand up...and a smile.

“Impressive, Kaern. Guess you could say...we’re really on fire.”

Sera could only respond with a grin. He pulled her to her feet with a low groan, and they supported each other as they turned back to the roggwart, which had dragged itself several meters away. The audience was shrieking, frantic and overjoyed at the spilling of blood. As one, thousands of voices joined a single, torrid call.

”KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!”

Sera’s grin died as she heard it. Aiden just shook his head.

“Not our job to see them entertained,” the Human muttered, guiding them towards the fallen roggwart. “We came to see a job through...not to satisfy their bloodlust.” “...’Through serenity, I gain strength,’” Sera quoted, recalling the code of the grey jedi. She wasn’t a great scholar, but a few things still stuck. Aiden nodded in response, circling around the beast. It looked up at them with wide, dark eyes...but it was helpless, now. Its fate in their hands.

“And through victory, I gain harmony,” Aiden completed, blue-green eyes meeting Sera’s. “Today...we found both. Together.

She nodded, her grin slowly returning. Then, she raised one foot high, muscles tense, and brought her heel down on the side of the roggwart’s skull, knocking it out cold.

“Now...let’s take this beasty in. Before Head-Lady sends anything else after us…”

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 17 March, 2021 8:19 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Faith. Faith in her abilities. Trust in her intent. Confidence in her loyalty, her strength, her selflessness. She could sense what Aiden was feeling, touching at the edges of his mind. She knew that he was genuine. Just as genuine as the bloodlust, stark and overpowering, flooding into the arena from around them. The savage anger of the Roggwart, hungry and in excruciating pain, striving to slaughter them both. And, their fear. The beast’s fear. Aiden’s fear. Her own fear. Light and dark.

Once again opening strong with your descriptors, emotion, and imagery. This post was the meatiest in the battle, both in terms of cooperative, interesting combat and plot progression. I was particularly fond of Aiden's simple but badass use of Telekinesis against the drago— I mean roggwart, and of the visceral way you wrote Sera finally hamstringing it, feeling the give of her saber making it through with all her might behind it. Also a nice callback to your first post about hunting sand caulkers.

You also got no less than three pained sighs for all the phrasing/puns amid such pretty writing.


Can Be Improved

Sera could see the plumes of flame poured from the arena floor behind it, approaching with a steady beat. She dropped into as she crossed the next line of jets, just before the wall of flames first to life, coming to rest unsigned.

The quality of your Syntax dropped here in your second post, which I am guessing is, much like Aiden, due to time constraints and bad circumstances. Along with some repeated issue in spacing of your ellipses, the biggest thing was that you had a lot of dropped words that actively made it hard to read. I actually had to stop and parse a few times to make sense with what was likely missing: dropped into [a crouch?], burst? to life instead of first, at rather than an and, etc.

Finally, while I did not mark Minor Detractors for either of these after some discussion, they did seem comment worthy: the chained/simultaneous Power usage that ultimately took down the roggwart while Battle Meditation melded, and the bit at the end where Sera kicks the beast into unconsciousness.

Given that the Feat text for Force Meld is very general and removes the need for stationary and focused meditation, the fact that Sera charged back into full throttle combat while doing it was given a pass, but I grew skeptical once all those athletic and K'thri moves were added on top of both Amplification and lightsaber striking. Technically speaking, that's no less than five different Skills/Powers in play at almost the same time, directly after, as you mention yourself, draining Healing use. That said, you did such a good job of depicting Battle Meditation/Force Meld here, and you DID acknowledge that Sera nearly fainted then and there under the roggwart's limbs for her efforts. It worked itself out.

The other thing was while the black spots in her vision and the fact that she needed Aiden's help to even stand and walk were fantastic, you then did have her casually wind up and super-kick the roggwart right in the face into nap-nap. Honestly, exhaustion aside, the biggest what??? of that moment for me was that in the very first post, the roggwart is described as HUGE, like unusually so, and Sera is, well, small and compact. And leaning on Aiden. My mind just kind of broke for a second trying to figure out how she was kicking high enough to reach its head that easy, even if it was sitting down. Just gonna advise to mind the scale of things next time, in case it becomes an actual issue down the line.