Mystic Aru Law vs. Battlemaster Alaisy Tir’eivra

Mystic Aru Law

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow, Consular
vs.

Battlemaster Alaisy Tir’eivra

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Arcanist
Comment

First of all, I want to thank you both deeply for your patience in the grading of this match. Event grading took priority for a minute there, and after that, it took longer still than it should have to get this done. So, really, thank you both for that understanding, and thank you for your participation in the SARLACC 2021 competition (even if this match was moved to the Scenario Hall). I won't take up any more of your time and get right into the bit you're waiting for.

Both of you came into this match with an obvious understanding of one another's characters as Master and Apprentice and a pretty evident intent to have fun together, and I loved that. You could tell in each moment of characterization between Alaisy and Aru and in each of them as individuals. Alaisy, you took some risks in going for the Sith Magic angle with the tuk'atas, and Aru, you took some even bigger ones in involving your NPC cast so much and calling out your judges in-character (and maybe out of character) on it. While neither of those risks really worked for me as a reader, Alaisy's posts managed to handle things more deftly, and with smaller Realism errors in the mix. Ultimately, those factors altogether handed the victory to Alaisy Tir'eivra, whom we declare our winner! Congratulations!

As you guys specifically requested some detailed feedback from me, I've gone on at length below, but as ever please don't be intimidated by the post comments or by critique here. You two really have so much writing potential and obviously have a lot of stories to tell and laughs to have, and we look forward to seeing as many of them as you'll grace our combat halls with. Take some rest, but then come back real soon.

Hall Scenario Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Aru Law, Battlemaster Alaisy Tir’eivra
Winner Battlemaster Alaisy Tir’eivra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Aru Law's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Alaisy Tir’eivra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [SCENARIO] SARLACC 2021, Round 2: Arx Colosseum
Last Post 3 March, 2021 10:08 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Alaisy "Aphotis" Tir'eivra Dr. Aru Law
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A few minor errors throughout. Rationale: A few minor errors throughout.
Story - 40%
Alaisy "Aphotis" Tir'eivra Dr. Aru Law
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Lack of combat from one character in first post brought score down, but exemplary combat in second post shone through. Rationale: While providing combat from both characters in each post, multiple asides detracted from the storytelling.
Realism - 25%
Alaisy "Aphotis" Tir'eivra Dr. Aru Law
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: One Minor Detractor concerning use of Healing in first post. Rationale: One Major Detractor and one Minor Detractor concerning use of Force Powers in second post.
Continuity - 20%
Alaisy "Aphotis" Tir'eivra Dr. Aru Law
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: Extremely minor internal inconsistency: Tuk'ata was capitalized every time in first post, but not at all in second post.
Alaisy "Aphotis" Tir'eivra's Score: 4.07 Dr. Aru Law's Score: 3.1
Posts

colosseum

Arx’s Colosseum is a monument to the original Petranaki arena on Geonosis, the site where the Clone Wars began with an epic clash between Jedi and Sith. However, instead of confining itself to a decrepit ruin, the Colosseum stands as an example of what the Geonosian arena once was.

Walls tall enough to be unscalable for even the most practiced Force-user surround a theatre the size of a holoball field, floored with sandy soil. Above, rows of seats are packed together into sections for spectators to observe the carnage. The dignitaries who preside over the gladiator matches instead find themselves in an elongated platform “box”, with the large stone throne reserved for the most prestigious among them, flanked by smaller seats for their companions. Large holo-projection screens occupy each of the Colosseum’s walls, displaying images of the combat below streamed by the cam droids that circle the arena.

The arena floor itself is, naturally, more dangerous than it appears. A wide assortment of traps are concealed beneath the dirt and sand, including but not limited to: retractable fire-spewing nozzles, power coils firing bolts of lightning, electrified floor panels, deadfalls lined with spikes, and even obelisks that simply erupt from the ground. These traps are operated by sentient technicians in the Colosseum’s control room, well away from the fighting.

You and another member of the Brotherhood have been tasked by the Headmistress of the Shadow Academy with gathering research data on a wide variety of dangerous creatures. In addition to the normal raucous crowds, sophisticated scanning equipment has been set up around the Colosseum floor to monitor the creatures’ behavior and vital signs under a variety of circumstances—including combat and injury.

Your goal in this scenario is twofold: provoke the creatures and hold their attention for long enough that the Shadow Academy scanners can collect a wide variety of physiological data, and prevent the creatures from destroying the scanning equipment placed in the Colosseum by the Academy researchers. Once those tasks are complete, you will be free to leave the arena (if you can) and claim your reward.

The Headmistress would strongly prefer the creature be left alive and useful after the experiment is finished. She would also "prefer" that you not interfere with the research by attempting to rescue the creature, but you may do so at your own peril.

“One minute,” said the guard by the entrance, “then you’re by yourself.”

Aru Law looked straight into his eyes. The Pantoran gatekeeper was big, almost as tall as his adoptive brother Sage. “Don’t worry,” the Human interjected, “she’ll come.”

Yet the minute passed and there was no sign of her. His Mistress, had finally agreed to help him on this investigation mission, as he had put it. Despite pulling the Master/Apprentice card, Aru had also promised Alaisy Tir’eivra that the beast they were fighting had been extensively modified through Sith rituals. That had piqued her interest.

The old fashioned gate started to rise up, their thick durasteel bars slowly lifting from the ground.

Aru looked back one last time. Nothing. The dark corridor that led towards the exit was dark and empty.

Cling cling clang cling

He smirked. “There she is.”

“Hello apprentice,” the woman’s voice came out modulated by her trademark helmet.

The tall Sith approached slowly, each step exactly the same distance as the previous one. Even the echoing sound of her bladed heels wasn’t changing in tone. She stood tall, with a gracious posture, highlighting her slender build. Behind her visor, her smokey grey eyes, surrounded by an emerald ring, looked down on her apprentice.

“Mistress! You actually came!”

“Were there any doubts?” Her menacing look was all too familiar to the Aedile, which prompted him to rethink his next words.

Luckily, before he could say the wrong thing, the Pantoran guard breathed loudly to catch their attention.

“The Headmistress is waiting,” he said.

“Right,” Law stepped to the side, allowing his Mistress to pass him, “after you, Mistress.”

Alaisy nodded slightly and stepped inside the colosseum. The people of Arx cheered at their entrance, announced by an overly-excited overweight Gungan with the heaviest of accents.

Alaisy darkened her visor to filter the harsh sunlight and conserve her pristine pale skin. Aru Law, on her side, blinked several times to allow his honey eyes to adjust to the light. The fact that he was still hungover wasn’t helping either, as he had a massive headache.

On the stands, they could see a familiar bunch. The Aedile had used his Magistrate rank to book a VIP lounge for their companions.


“This is nice!” Sage Cormac announced, stretching his long slim legs. “Hey Zag, they even have food!”

Zaagnika Umangi sat straight as a pillar in her chair. The luxurious ambience, the tasty foods she had never even seen, and Sage’s massive shoulders touching her own was all too much. “Why am I even here?” She had been invited by the large Zeltron, but she had never intended to accept. Other than their previous mission together, they hadn’t spoken again. Yet, she found herself accepting at the last minute, and was now eating whatever the muscular man was ordering from the staff.

Beside the loudmouth, and thankful for being in the leftmost chair, Amis Jumah watched eagerly to see what beast Aru would have to face this time. The state she found him when he returned from his previous assignment, fighting mastiff phalone’s with Wyndell Tyris, caused her to worry and follow him around until he isn’t required anymore.

On the other side, sitting on the edge of her seat, Zig’s bright yellow eyes were wide open as she noticed the arrival of Alaisy Tir’eivra. Not looking away from one second, she grabbed a handful of popcorn and put them in her mouth.

“Wook Era! Ere ey ae!” Sera Kaern looked and laughed at the Zygerrian’s way of speaking with her mouth full.

The Zabraki woman sipped from her cup of juice and relaxed in her chair. The match was about to begin.


“What do you think they’ll throw at us?” Aru Law asked his Mistress.

“They did not tell you?” she queried. “Are you not a Magistrate?”

The Aedile rustled his beard. “Hmm, perhaps they did tell me.” He stared at the latex clad woman with a silly smile. “Guess I forgot, hehe.”

“No matter,” Alaisy said, “we are about to find out.”

Opposite to where they were, a massive gate started to move. Its doors swung open slowly. It was followed by a loud roar that put an end to the imperceptible banter all around the crowd. Everyone waited in silence for the beast's arrival. Before the door could open completely, however, it was burst open and sent flying several meters into the arena.

Out came a massive stampeding beast. The quadrupedal horror ran frantically until it reached the arena’s center. Then it stopped and lifted its massive head. Roaaar

Immediately the arena came back to life. Hoorays and whistles echoed around the Colosseum.

The mighty beast stared at the standing duo. The light’s reflection on Alaisy’s latex suit caused it to attract the beast’s attention.

“Apprentice! You said it had suffered several Sith rituals.” the Sith woman began, anger in her tone. “It looks like a standard Tuk’ata to me.”

“I’m sure we’re about to find out some of its tricks,” Law countered. “But I’d prefer not to, actually.”

The raging Tuk’ata charged forward, its target in sight. Alaisy quickly grabbed Worship, her Bilari Electro-chain Whip, and activated it. A buzzing discharge of electricity gave it life and it bent like rope. Its joints pulsated with vibrant red, matching the hilts color. Touching the ground caused it to buzz louder.

“I will teach this creature some manners,” Said the Battlemaster, preparing to face it head on.

Aru Law, on the other hand, took the opportunity of not being targeted to circle around the creature. He was bending the Force around him to conceal his presence. Crouched and moving as fast as he could, the Gray Jedi grabbed Alana, his Monlitzer S-195 Blaster Pistol and quickly fired two bolts on the Tuk’ata’s back.

His shots were timed perfectly. The confused beast turned its head back and brought its forward legs down into a stomp. A grave mistake, for Alaisy spun on her heels and whipped hard on the creature’s neck.

It roared angrily as it turned its attention back towards the tall woman. The Sith was unforgiving on her attacks. Immediately she whipped the beast again, this time lacing the whip around its left foot. The Tuk’ata pounced to the side, pushing violently on the whip. Alaisy carved her fanged metallic heels on the ground and leaned back, gripping tightly on Worship.

“Submit!” she ordered.

Aru got closer to the beast, and tried to fire at its ankles. Since it was wrestling hard with Alaisy, he couldn’t aim properly. So he holstered his blaster and grabbed his lightsaber hilt. The green blade with a white core came to life. He then sliced one of the creature’s legs, holding the saber with both hands for maximum power.

The Tuk’ata’s strong hide prevented the blade from slashing more than one inch. But nonetheless, the beast felt pain. It got up on its back legs, forcing Alaisy to release her whip or be dragged along.

The weakened leg caused the beast to lose its balance and fall backwards. Aru had to roll away to avoid being crushed by its massive weight.

The Aedile joined his Mistress once more. “Did we do it?” He naively asked.

“No apprentice,” Tir’eivra calmly stated. “We merely angered it.”

As if on cue, the Tuk’ata got back on his fours. Its eyes were glowing red, as were its claws. Vapour emanated from its hide, and a slow yet rising light intensified in its belly. As it opened its mouth, a yellow and orange burst of flames was spat in their direction.

“Brace!” Aru law yelled, jumping in front of Alaisy and raising both hands.

For several seconds, they were engulfed in flames. And then black smoke, rising slowly. The arena was eerily quiet. Everyone there wondered what would be the fate of those two. To everyone’s surprise, they were still standing, almost unscathed.

Aru was static, his hands still up. Around him, and Alaisy, a small layer of invisible energy, now seared by the fire, slowly dissipated. Then he fell on one knee, panting hard. His sleeves were charred on the tips, and his hands had minor burns.

Alaisy straightened back up from her incomplete crouch. She used her hand to cover a small burning patch of her latex suit. The hole caused by the fire was now slowly reforming.

The Tuk’ata was now a completely different beast. Its back spine had flames shaped like spikes. Its paws were covered in vivid red blazes. And its tail burned like a flare on the tip.

Seeing its prey alive angered it deeply. It roared in challenge once again. Only this time, it sounded much more deep, like a dragged guttural roar.

“You did good Aru,” Alaisy told her apprentice.

She grabbed her lightsaber and ignited it. Twin blades of the purest red formed a staff that the Battlemaster would use to punish the audaciously bold creature.

“Heh, you called me Aru,” the Aedile joked, seeing his Mistress in front of him.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 19 April, 2021 3:02 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You did a whole lot here in this post that went well, from the introduction of the beast and its mutation in an interesting manner to good use of Loadouts for both characters.

“You did good, Aru,” Alaisy told her apprentice.

She grabbed her lightsaber and ignited it. Twin blades of the purest red formed a staff that the Battlemaster would use to punish the audaciously bold creature.

“Heh, you called me Aru,” the Aedile joked, seeing his Mistress in front of him.

I was particularly pleased to read the interplay between Aru and Alaisy as characters— everything they did and said seemed accurate not only to them as individuals but to them as a pair, and the whole of it was really engaging and amusing both. Every beat seemed genuine and was a feast for characterization.


Can Be Improved

You had some Syntax errors, especially around commas splices or extra commas and dialogue punctuation, but they didn't overly detract from the reading. What DID detract was the additional aside of the spectators that didn't add much of anything to the narrative at this point except to get away from it. It took awhile to get to the fighting itself from the introduction, and just when you as a reader think the story is really about to kick off with Aru and Alaisy now together, the focus jumps over to their friends. This isn't the first time you've used these asides mid-battle, and as a pattern, I would caution against it. If you wish to have additional characters present for scenery, emotion, or otherwise possible exploitation, I strongly recommend either leaving it confined solely to the introduction area, or making sure the mentions are very short; one or two sentences at most in total for words used.

Now, about that Syntax. As I'm going to note to Alaisy as well, when punctuating dialogue, the simplest explanation I can give is that you must treat dialogue as either part of the sentence or removable from it. That is, whatever action is connected to the dialogue is either standalone, in which case you can use a period inside your quotes and capitalize outside it, or it's connected, and the text would be a fragment if it didn't have the dialogue.

The Aedile joined his Mistress once more. “Did we do it?” He naively asked.

So it looks like this, if we pretend that Aru said nothing: "He naively asked." Asked what? We've got a verb, and we've got a subject in "he," but we don't have the object. We don't have whatever it is that's been asked. We're clueless. The sentence doesn't make sense on its own because it is missing half of it.

  • The Aedile joined his Mistress once more. “Did we do it?” he naively asked.

This would be a complete sentence. The same problem and solution are applicable here and here:

“Apprentice! You said it had suffered several Sith rituals.” the Sith woman began, anger in her tone. “It looks like a standard Tuk’ata to me.”

“I will teach this creature some manners,” Said the Battlemaster, preparing to face it head on. Some examples of several other ways dialogue can be punctuated correctly, just so you can see the differences:

  • "That was amazing, Mistress," sighed Aru.
  • "Mistress, we did it!" Aru raised his hand for a fist-bump hopefully.
  • "So we did," Alaisy crooned, eyes cold. "Now why are you dallying uselessly?"
  • The Scoundrel took a swig from his flask and offered it around, yelling to the nearby children on a field trip, "Drinks for everyone!"
  • "I don't know what it is," Ruka sighed, rubbing at his forehead, and added, "I just keep getting these random headaches. It's like I can SENSE something happening that shouldn't be."

The tall woman flourished her twin-bladed weapon with a vertical spin as she stomped forward with her heavy platformed boots on the copper sand. She held her war-plumed head high, giving her a domineering stance despite the mythical adversary in front of her. The alchemical suit sent pulses of pain through the Sith. This only served as a font of power, building up anger. Dark side energy raged within Tir’eivra, helping the breach in her living suit coil and mend together as it was nourished by dark vigor. Acute pain turned into breakthrough pain. A hiss and a groan escaped her domed mask as a chill ran over Alaisy’s back—sometimes her alchemical skin was even more sensitive than the porcelain skin she was born with. Healing of the suit’s wounds felt like her own muscles contracting, cramping and repositioning.

The crimson blades were perfectly matched with the tuk’ata’s fiery eyes. Red-hot pupils dilated as the ancient tomb protector began stomping with its smoldering paws. It whipped its spine-like tail on the ground, causing dust to rise up in the air. It roared again. This time it almost seemed like speech to the black-clad Battlemaster. Somehow, her Chromium Spine and the glowing red blades stirred something within the warhound.

“This isn’t even its final form! Just wait. Soon, it’ll start talking and tell us all the stories we’ve heard are true,” Aru Law joked as he rose up on two feet, legs widening into a battle-stance. Dark yellow eyes gazed at the Sith warbeast. He rubbed his left hand with his right in an attempt to numb away the sweltering pain.

For a moment it felt like he was breathing in syrup, his lungs stinging from the exertion as if he had just gulped down flameout. The air around him smelled like burned fabric and conflagrine. He could hear the crowd grow silent, voices replaced by howling wind and buzzing lightsabers. Tension mounted between the Sith and the hound. Law knew that most foes would withdraw when his Mistress approached them. This one, however, didn’t even flinch. He saw it enthusiastically move its tail from left to right. Fearless.

His right hand slowly reached for Alana. The tuk'ata caught a glimpse of the drawn weapon and sidestepped so that Aru's line of sight was blocked by Alaisy's tall frame. The sudden move prompted Alaisy to attack. She stepped her right boot forward and twisted her saber-hilt diagonally, expecting its tail to attack her.

The warhound answered her challenge and launched its spine-like appendage towards the Sith’s chest. Tir’eivra was ready to strike. The creature retreated its tail, causing her saber to miss. No warning from the Force. Abruptly it leaped forward, past the tall woman and straight for Aru Law. It pushed itself off the ground—far and high—ignoring the inch-deep gash in its hindleg. Blazing hot forepaws launched at the Shadow.

What is this trickery? Alaisy didn’t expect it to fool her so easily. She turned her head and pivoted her hips to make a full spin with her Chromium Spine. All she managed to do was chop the very tip of its tail off as the tuk’ata launched itself at her Apprentice.

Aru’s heart managed to beat once as claws reached his Syndicate vest. The Mystic did get a vague sign from the Force, though it could’ve been his hangover. But his real eyes saw the beast coming at him. Too fast. It sent him flying backwards. His heart pounded a second time. Everything seemed to slow down, adrenaline triggering blood vessels to contract. His vest was set ablaze. Superheated claws dug into his flesh, cauterizing any blood wishing to escape. He wanted to scream, but the pain and fire tensed his chest muscles so much that no sound was uttered.

The crowd reacted in shock and awe. Some of their hands went to their mouths. A few individuals cheered, but it was mostly quiet.

With the speed and power of the hound’s jump, Aru lost complete control of his lightsaber. Plasma managed to singe a bit of the beast’s flesh before it flew out of his left hand and deactivated. His right hand only held onto Alana because his finger was still stuck behind the trigger-guard.

With a thump his back hit the ground, sharp nails sinking in deeper.

Click

A mechanical whirring noise was heard, as if a button was just pressed underneath the sand.

Aru!!” Alaisy tapped deep into the dark side, enhancing her speed. Her heart pounded in her chest. Cold sweat dripped in her mask’s nose-cup, leaving behind a taste of her own worry and fear. She let it fuel her. Broken pride added a sprinkle of darkness to the mix, caused by the feeling of being bested by a mere animal, ancient or not.

The floor rumbled. Sand and dust vibrated. Then, a square metal plate slid down with Aru and the tuk’ata on it. A hole formed in the middle of the arena. Neither Sith-hound nor Aedile saw this coming as they were taken downwards. The cube-shaped repulsorlift went down faster and faster. Alaisy jumped after it, her fall gaining speed at almost the same rate as the lift.

The tuk’ata did not like the prospect of a Sith landing on top of its back, so it dislodged its claws from the Force Disciple. Aru yelled out, flailing with his arms and gave the monster a kick with both legs to get it off. In mid-air, he kind of managed it, and the beast drifted off to the side until both slammed into the floor. It blasted the air out of the dark-haired man’s lungs. The warhound landed on its side right next to him.

Thankfully, this fighting pit did not have giant durasteel spikes at the bottom. A recording and scanning droid floated down after the diving Sith. The crowd seemed confused and even the researchers could be seen scrambling around. There was no scanning equipment down there and the surveillance droids were slow to react.

Tir’eivra honed in on the tomb guardian—knife-heels first, counting on the length of them to keep her from getting stabbed by rows of its jutting spines.

The tuk’ata was about to get back up as Alaisy impaled its stomach with a brutal landing. Durasteel blades rent its abdomen and cushioned her descent. Ten inch platforms and heels almost reached the ground as it flattened and cut through the hound’s body. The symbiotic-clad woman reduced the rest of her impact by rolling forward. The royal beast yowled in agony with its belly turned to bloody paste.

The same scent of conflagrine returned, coupled with the smell of ages old rotten and corrupted organ-paste. With a hiss the tall woman deactivated her Chromium Spine, more concerned with her Apprentice than the research specimen at this point.

“Mistre-,” Aru coughed, his voice sounding broken, “that, was, epic.” He smiled through the pain, gritting his teeth.

Alaisy kneeled down in front of him and laid her clawed hand down on his chest.

“Shush now Aru, focus on fighting for your life now,” the Sith’s modulated voice seemed judgmental, but also more caring than it had ever been towards him.

Her dark, domed visor turned towards the tuk’ata. She was in close enough range to use its life-force. Its bony tail was squirming around. Argent eyes behind the mask timed its movement, until a vibroclaw lurched at the tail and snatched onto it—much like spearfishing.

Tir’eivra sunk her bladed nails in-between the vertebrae and slammed the tail down onto the metal. With her other hand placed onto her Apprentice she focused on all of her emotions. She let her breathing slow down and made her will known to the Force.

Images of pain, that of hers, of Aru’s and the great ancient tuk’ata besides them flashed in front of her eyes. Fear, of loss, of terrors and all of the unknown swirled between her fingertips. Passion, wrath, regret and all the negative emotions she could summon flooded her mind. She used it to pull energy away from the warhound and let it seep into her Aedile’s wounds.

A nasty sting and a burning sensation hit the gambler. Tissue was being pulled like sheets of cloth, folding and wrapping into itself, savagely and ruthlessly. Power was being transferred from the beast through the Sith and slammed into the Mystic. His heart was filled with dread, whether he wanted it or not. His wounds screamed in pain. Renewed tissue grew back like a cancer, rotting and smoldering. Every cell and molecule deemed unnecessary was discarded, all other functional tissue was being profilerated with unnatural speed.

To Aru, the mending process felt like it took forever, but in real time it had been done very fast. The tuk’ata slowed down its breathing and stopped snorting. Its three rows of teeth chattered. Then it gave out a low growl.

The tall woman removed her hand from both her Apprentice and retreated her other from the beast’s tail. A wave of exhaustion befell her, sighing deeply as she could feel a migraine coming up. This was never easy. It wasn’t full recovery for her Aedile either, but it should’ve been enough, for now.

“Okay, woah, that was intense,” Aru’s breathing seemed to have returned to normal, and so did his voice, even if it was still a bit shaky.

The latex-clad woman inclined her head at her Apprentice before getting up and kneeling down in front of the mighty tuk’ata.

“Siy yu mumtsil kûlutsots,” with an Imperial voice Tir’eivra chanted in ancient Sith, “may you forever protect.”

The tuk’ata stirred and almost caused the tall woman to drop on her rear. “Nuyak ari, tuti kuwich,” the warhound replied with a low rumble, tongue twitching.

Its Lord, it is gone. There is nothing for this creature to protect. The Battlemaster pondered over the beast’s words.

“W-what are you doing? What is it doing?” Aru inquired. He seemed to be peering upwards at the curious droid.

Alaisy turned towards her Apprentice and noticed what he was looking at. She stuck out an arm towards it. She made her headache so much worse by summoning hatred, but the droid had to go.

“Is privacy too much to ask!?” the tall Sith screamed, a wave of energy coursing through her. With a flick of her wrist she summoned a bright cerulean flash of electricity, destroying the recording droid.

The Headmistress stood up from her spectator seat and yelled at a group of technicians in response.

“Why are those droids circling all around the arena and why are they not recording the data we need from this fight? Make it happen and for our viewer’s sake, bring that platform up already! Let the warhounds out! Release the rest of the tuk’atas!” Ciara’s voice carried a dark tone, which was equally thick and rhythmic.

“What if I gave you a new purpose, a new tomb to protect one day,” Alaisy asked the ancient protector in its only known language.

“Yes, that is agreeable. Renewed purpose, it has been too long.” If a tuk’ata could’ve smiled, it would’ve. It let its head sink down to the metal plate.

“The platform is going up again, Mistress!” Aru’s arms were shaking, but he was slowly crawling back up again.

Alaisy scraped a sample of blood away from the tuk’ata and stored it behind the crystal on her channeling necklace.

“It will live,” the Sith told her Apprentice with a hopeful tone in her voice. While the repulsor platform moved them up, she seemed to go into a trance. Her will tugged at the energy around them, pulling at the Living Force itself.

“Oh, and there’s the horde of scanners!” the Mystic yelled out.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 19 April, 2021 3:02 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Alaisy turned towards her Apprentice and noticed what he was looking at. She stuck out an arm towards it. She made her headache so much worse by summoning hatred, but the droid had to go.

“Is privacy too much to ask!?” the tall Sith screamed, a wave of energy coursing through her. With a flick of her wrist she summoned a bright cerulean flash of electricity, destroying the recording droid.

Don't ask me why this section got a genuine, "aww," out of me, but it did. I was highly intrigued by both Alaisy's regard for the tuk'ata and by her care for it and Aru. Despite her stomping its guts into Play-Dough, it's clear she has respect for it, and she showed obvious concern for Aru when she healed him. It was a nice look under the shiny, sharp, Sithy exterior into the conniving within!

You had some pretty cool, solid action and Power usage in this post. The dramatic dive after Aru and the beast fell was pretty neat, if a little hard to follow in sequence. I also just really liked that Alaisy's first thing is, "oh, an ancient tomb guardian, let's make a deal" more than anything else.


Can Be Improved

The biggest Detractor you got in this match for Story came here, as Aru was essentially inert as a character, and in the ACC, even in a Scenario match like the SARLACC ones, combat from each character is necessary. In this case, Aru didn't do anything against the creatures, just reached for his gun and observed the droids — and got mauled in awesome sequence, but that's still happening to him, not action he's taking. There was so much cool stuff happening in this post...but none of it involved Aru.

The tall woman removed her hand from both her Apprentice and retreated her other from the beast’s tail. A wave of exhaustion befell her, sighing deeply as she could feel a migraine coming up. This was never easy. It wasn’t full recovery for her Aedile either, but it should’ve been enough, for now.

The other Minor Detractor in Realism concerned your use of Healing. Ironically, it was that Alaisy was still obviously exhausted from using Healing with Force Drain. Force Drain takes the energy from elsewhere and uses it instead of using the user's energy, which is what is so exhaustive about Healing. She was just channeling it, not giving any of her own life force, as it were. Alaisy shouldn't have felt tired. On the other hand, I was highly skeptical that the red-flame tuk'ata was still alive after having its innards made into "organ paste" via a ten inch heel-stomp from on high and then being drained to greatly heal Aru, who seemed he should have had both the major burning puncture wounds and a broken...lots of bones from the fall. Nevertheless, you're only getting the Detractor for Healing fatigue, as the first tuk'ata surviving that didn't impact the story really.

Dark side energy raged within Tir’eivra, helping the breach in her living suit coil and mend together as it was nourished by dark vigor. Acute pain turned into breakthrough pain. A hiss and a groan escaped her domed mask as a chill ran over Alaisy’s back—sometimes her alchemical skin was even more sensitive than the porcelain skin she was born with. Healing of the suit’s wounds felt like her own muscles contracting, cramping and repositioning.

This section had us raising some eyebrows, merely because of the wording implying that power (Dark side energy) is being actively used and directed. We know her suit has a self-healing Item Aspect and that she feels it, but the passage itself reads as if Healing as a power may be being used, if not by Alaisy then by the suit itself? Not marking anything off for it here, but just for future endeavors, I might consider different ways to describe the symbiote suit healing than necessarily mentioning the Dark side...or if mentioning it, specifying the alchemical bonds are doing the thing? It's a sticky situation.

Finally, dialogue punctuation. This was your most frequent error besides some missing/misplaced/misused words. When punctuating dialogue, the simplest explanation I can give is that you must treat dialogue as either part of the sentence or removable from it. That is, whatever action is connected to the dialogue is either standalone, in which case you can use a period inside your quotes and capitalize outside it, or it's connected, and the text would be a fragment if it didn't have the dialogue.

“Shush now Aru, focus on fighting for your life now,” the Sith’s modulated voice seemed judgmental, but also more caring than it had ever been towards him.

In this case, your sentences are both complete by themselves, and there is no action linking the dialogue to Alaisy's voice being described, thus the use of a comma to close and the next sentence starting with a lowercase is incorrect.

“What if I gave you a new purpose, a new tomb to protect one day,” Alaisy asked the ancient protector in its only known language.

You also caught a small instance of the verb action of the dialogue not matching its punctuation. This is almost always seen with this exact phrasing, when there's a question in the narrative action but it's not marked as such. All you needed was to replace that comma with a question mark. This can be played with stylistically, such as when characters make statements that are questions but, "don't sound like one," but they're usually directly pointed out in that case. It's safer to match your punctuation marks to the verb, eg. a question mark for asked and an exclamation point for exclaiming, shouting, etc.

I just want to note that I notice how your dialogue punctuation has generally improved, and you're already doing better with it on the more common errors. Good job!

The platform stopped moving. Alaisy was kneeled by the tuk’ata, her eyes closed. Aru could feel a gathering aura around her. It was very powerful in the Dark side of the Force. He still felt a tingling sensation in his chest, from when his Mistress had healed him, but a renewed energy coursed through him.

“I gotta protect her.” he thought.

While in that meditative stance, Alaisy would be vulnerable to attacks. Moving her would be impossible, with risks of breaking her trance or even worse complications. No, Aru was going to have to make a stand.

He reached for his lightsaber, fallen on the sand of the Colosseum, pulling it closer with aid from the Force. As soon as it landed on his hand, it ignited and the Aedile assumed a defensive stance. All that training in Soresu was going to have to pay off, he thought.

Coming for him were two large tuk’ata. They came from the front, having been released from their confinements. Clearly, they had already been angered. They too possessed similar flame qualities to their bodies. Only their flames were of different coloration. The one on the left had flames that burned turquoise. They got darker the closer they were to the tuk’ata’s spine. The one on the right however, burned in a bright green hue, and its flames seemed more wild and out of control.

Behind them, images got distorted by the intense heat they emanated, and some parts of sand they stepped on would vitrify immediately.

The flaming beasts howled together and rushed in a frenzied run towards their prey. But that was not all of it. Coming from both sides, a pack of ferocious hounds also approached. These beasts salivated and growled in challenge to the opposing Mystic.

Aru was struggling to keep them all in check. The creatures were intelligent, clearly trained with advanced pack tactics, to surround the enemy and attack from all sides.

One of the hounds got too close and Aru shot the creature with a fast draw of Alana. He missed however, for the creature had sharp reflexes and managed to dodge the incoming blaster bolt. It retreated back into the circular motion all its companions were doing.

“C’mon Mistress,” Aru glanced back at Alaisy. She was still immobile with an enticingly serene expression on her pale face. “Now would be a good time to wake up.”

The injured tuk’ata breathed loudly, clearly tired and in pain from its previous treatment. it now seemed much calmer than before. the flames had dimmed to a warm orange tone and its eyes had acquired a more sentient than bestial look.

The pack of hounds had completely surrounded them. The two tuk’ata stood back, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on their enemies. And above the Aedile and the Sith woman, more than a dozen scanner droids hovered, recording and measuring every parameter they could to collect data.

The Mystic stepped back, putting himself between Alaisy and the downed tuk’ata. With his renewed vigor, he extended both hands away from his body. Tapping to both the Light and Dark sides of the Force, the Human absorbed all the available energy he could pull and concentrated on forming a protective layer around him.

He closed his eyes and focused deeper into his training with Alaisy. All the intense punishment he had injured, all to strengthen his connection with the Force. It now proved worth enduring, as he was able to extend his reach to his Mistress and the tuk’ata. His arms trembled and his forehead was sweating profusely. His breathing was fast and he felt his heart pounding. He had never attempted to protect such a large area as this before.

Several hounds dashed forward, front paws trying to claw at them, only to hit an invisible wall. A boom noise echoed everytime one would hit the barrier. Their barrage of attacks continued. Everytime one would hit, Aru’s body was put into more strain. Then, his strength would fail briefly, causing the barrier to reduce in size.

Every pound, every claw, every bite would punish the barrier. Even though invisible, the Human could feel his hold of it fade, and the layer that separated them from impending demise was cracking.

“C’mon!” The Gray Jedi yelled.

Aru dispelled the barrier. Immediately, several hounds jumped at the center, ready to dilacerate both him and Alaisy. He tried to reach for his lightsaber, but it wasn’t possible. The creatures were too fast. The Human braced with his prosthetic arm in front of him and turned his head away.


There was a crash, a buzzing noise, electric shocks and yells.

“The party only starts when The Boss arrives!” A familiar booming voice came from Aru’s left side.

“Put me down!” Another voice, this one much higher in pitch. “I never agreed to this.”

Sage “The Boss” Cormac stood tall and proud between his brother and the hounds that tried to kill him. Under his right arm, Zaagnika Umangi hanged in a rather comedic way, kicking her slim legs around, demanding to be released.

From up above, a sound of burning fuel, and a flying Zygerrian woman. She zig-zagged through the hovering scanner droids and deactivated one at a time whenever she passed through them.

“Weather forecast for today?” she laughed, “Heavy droid rain!”

Zig Kaliska landed swiftly on Aru’s right side and lifted her fists, equipped with her Crushgaunts and ready to punch some hounds.

Next to her also landed a small Zabraki woman. She jumped nimbly between the attacking creatures and drove them away from Alaisy and Aru with help from her bright yellow lightsaber.

“Howdy Aru!” Sera Kaern smiled towards the Aedile, who was dumbfounded to see all their friends arrive to help them.

“Guys!” He tried to express gratitude, but couldn't find the words. “Damn it!”

“You focus on the tuk’ata’s Aru,” Sera stated, “that’s what you’re here to fight.”

“Yeah, leave this trash to me!” Sage pointed towards the gathering pack of hounds.

“Will you put me down already!” Zag yelled, and at the same time was released from the towering Zeltron’s grip, falling knees first on the sand.

Luckily, it wasn’t a big fall, and she quickly got back on her feet. She showed a grimace face towards Sage and assembled Bashful, her Electrohammer.

“Get ready to fight, Zag.” The Boss announced.

“Yeah, as long as we don’t mess with the tuk’atas they can’t say we interfered right?” Zig joked.

Sage was the first to attack, not wanting to wait any second to crush skulls. The rampaging Zeltron dealt punch after punch, and many hounds flew away and at each other.

Fighting in tandem, Zag spun her Electrohammer around and shocked every hound that would dodge Sage’s attacks. A pile of dead bodies was quickly starting to form, causing the remaining hounds that were injured to turn tail and run away.

On the other side, Sera did her best not to kill the poor beasts that weren’t at fault for being there. They were only doing their jobs, no matter how wicked their purpose was. She was forced to slash a couple of hounds as a last resort, due to them being too close to avoid, but the other ones tried to stay clear of the Zabraki’s fast lightsaber. Zig punched hounds in the snout left and right, not that worried about killing the beasts for she knew they wouldn’t die that easily.

With coordinated attacks on the right side, and an extreme barrage of mayhem on the left side, Sage, Zig, Zag and Sera managed to eliminate the threat the hounds imposed before. And all this action and twists caused extreme enjoyment in the crowds. Everyone cheered and watched eagerly on the edge of their seats for what was still to come.

But there were still two massive tuk’ata to deal with. And those were the real deal. If one had proved a challenge even for Aru’s and Alaisy’s skills combined, then two would be suicide for the Mystic to deal with.

However, at that moment, Alaisy Tir’eivra came back. The Arcanist opened her eyes. Although serene, the anger she felt could be sensed from afar.

The tall Sith woman got up and glanced at both her sides to see companions she knew fighting some hounds. She didn’t bother to ask. She could see her prey in front of her.

“Mistress!” Aru happily said. “You’re back!”

She did not respond. The latex clad woman stepped forward. She held The Chromium Spine on one hand and Worship on the other. As she walked, she ignited one half of her lightsaber and activated her whip.

Both tuk’atas stomped the ground in challenge to the Sith woman and roared, extreme heat coming from their mouths.

As she got closer, the Arcanist extended her reach to the front and projected a much larger and menacing image of herself. A dark naked figure surrounded by red and purple haze walked towards the puny creatures that stood in her path. Every step covered the ground with a black ooze that bubbled and released an extremely enticing yet poisonous scent. Two tentacle-like tails with silver spikes on their end extended from her back and slowly slithered towards the tuk’atas. Her eyes glowed purple and smoke flowed diagonally in a flame-like manner, and a wide sharp toothed smile with extremely large canines was drawn on her darkened face.

The tuk’atas were static, frozen with fear. Their flames were completely dozed down, and they were whimpering back.

Aru Law also avoided getting closer to them, afraid to be caught in his Mistress’ power. He drew his blaster pistol and circled around them to take an advantage point. The Human knew enough not to disturb Alaisy when she was performing such a maneuver on his enemies, so he waited. He kept his pistol up the entire time, his trigger finger ready to fire at any sudden movement from the tuk’atas part.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 19 April, 2021 3:04 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I quite liked the introduction of the additional tuk'atas, and I don't know why, but especially that they were all different pretty colors. Call me easily appeased Rainbow Judge. There was some very cool action from everyone, and even Alaisy woke up at the end to be a champ.

The Human knew enough not to disturb Alaisy when she was performing such a maneuver on his enemies, so he waited. He kept his pistol up the entire time, his trigger finger ready to fire at any sudden movement from the tuk’atas part.

This last segment had me very excited for the conclusion of the story, like, "aww yeah, they're about to be epic together because they know each other so well as a team." Or at least, Aru knows her methods, heh.


Can Be Improved

You can probably guess that I'm about to comment on the injection of the friend squad vs the unspecified generic enemy mobs. While cute, full of friendship, and managing to be accurate to each of those characters' personalities in such a short space for each of them, it entirely detracted from and disrupted the battle without actually adding anything of substance to the storytelling. Just as easily there could have been no faceless "hounds" to surprise them, but Aru having to battle traps or hold off the new tuk'atas on his own while Alaisy took a briefer rest.

The roughly 500 word aside before getting back to the main attraction really didn't help your Story score, and while I didn't actively mark you down for it — as, as you pointedly call out in the text, the NPCs are not fighting the designated enemy, only Aru and Alaisy are, and thus have no actual net impact on the results of the match — it didn't earn you anything to bring your score back up. It was null space.

As she got closer, the Arcanist extended her reach to the front and projected a much larger and menacing image of herself. A dark, naked figure surrounded by red and purple haze walked towards the puny creatures that stood in her path. Every step covered the ground with a black ooze that bubbled and released an extremely enticing yet poisonous scent. Two tentacle-like tails with silver spikes on their end extended from her back and slowly slithered towards the tuk’atas. Her eyes glowed purple and smoke flowed diagonally in a flame-like manner, and a wide sharp toothed smile with extremely large canines was drawn on her darkened face.

Now, we had a couple Realism issues and confusion here in this post: one Minor Detractor for the use of Barrier and one Major one that really got you for the use of what, as written, is Illusion when Alaisy does not have Illusion on her sheet.

On the Barrier front, Barrier doesn't "shrink" or get smaller as it weakens, it just all or nothing shatters under enough strain. On the Illusion part, as said, the whole section reads as a complex illusion where the Power is not present on the Character Sheet. Additionally, the presentation is somewhat confusing, as Aru would not need to fear being "caught" in it by being nearby Alaisy. Illusion is not a physical projection or directional attack. It specifically is influencing the minds of the targets to see/hear/smell/etc the illusion, and would not appear to an idle bystander unless the caster was specifically willing them to be affected as well (which would then be another target with Resolve and more strain).

If what you were going for here was Terror, mind that while being afraid can make a person (or tuk'ata) see things or perhaps experience things like memory or triggered trauma in their panic, etc, it does not directly bring out their specific worst fears or even a specific visual presence for them. Alaisy seeming to loom taller, as a predator, would have been fine. Alaisy being a giant wreathed in purple smoke whose every footstep made boiling black pools is very different. Be careful examining Character Sheets in Snapshots for their current versions, to make sure you're only writing the Powers and Skills and Feats currently present, and mind using Terror and Illusion closely.

Flames flickered on and off. Primal fear kept the tuk’atas back. The pair of warhounds whimpered as if they were being disciplined by their ancient Sith masters. The turquoise one tried to glance towards its brother for courage. Spikes were raised on its back and its tail was tucked between its legs as it frantically licked its lips. Seeing its comrade so petrified made it worse, so it tried to avoid eye contact with the amethyst wraith. Trepidation set in so deeply that the beasts began drooling involuntarily.

Alaisy exhaled a hiss of air, one eye twitching behind her visor from the mental exertion. She rolled her shoulders as mental tendrils and her entire ghostly apparition dissipated into the primeval minds of both tuk’atas. Aru Law glanced towards her, waiting for a signal. She inclined her head towards the emerald monster on her right. The Aedile repaid her with a wicked smile, acknowledging his target. From his position behind the beasts, he fired Alana with a delicate press of the trigger.

The lightsaber had served its purpose, similar to a scarecrow. The guard hounds recognized its crimson glow as their submission under Sith dominance. Tir’eivra deactivated and clipped her Chromium Spine back onto her belt, now ready to take on the wild green flaming warhound with Worship alone.

Aru fired his salvo in perfect synchronization with the lashing of Alaisy’s metallic-plated whip. Years of training as Mistress and Apprentice meant a thorough comprehension of each other’s timing and abilities. The Mystic had his sights set on the tuk’ata’s crest. Particles of intense plasma surged through the arena air and hit the hound just at the nape. His shot avoided the most heat-resistant parts of the creature. The projectile burned through leathery skin and dug into muscle. It cooled down rapidly and fizzled out before reaching nerves and bones.

The tuk’ata yowled in pain and threw itself to the ground out of instinct, rolling onto its back and rubbing into sand. Terror was replaced by severe pain. So much pain that its vision blurred out in rapidly rising rage.

The crowd seemed to approve, made apparent by the boisterous applause. Lab coats were scrambling about, trying to find suitable positions for a good overview of the battle. Zig, Zag, Sera and Sage had accepted an invitation back into the audience via the main portcullis. Apparently, due to an ‘administrative error’, several extra beasts had been released into the arena which were meant for the battle thereafter. The ones responsible were dealt with and the company of Arconans were suitably compensated for their troubles.

Howling from one warhound shook the other out of its panicked state. Too late. An electro-chain coiled around the turquoise tuk’ata’s neck, clipping shut on its own metal segments with a tight loop. An immensely tall, dark shape with a blackened dome stared back. Tir’eivra exuded an air of dominance as she click-clacked forward, holding the hilt of her weapon with both hands. The beast attempted to retreat, still regaining its bearings, but she tugged at the shackles with great strength in return. Plasma filaments burned at the back of its jawline.

Law readied himself as his quarry got back to its paws again. The tuk’ata kept its head down as it peered hungrily towards Aru, unable to hold it any higher due to the wound around its crest. He wasn’t going to play fair and his love for gambling pushed him to take a potshot at the beast, before it gathered the courage to attack him. Alana took a horn clean off of its head. Now it was livid. Wild, emerald flames sputtered out of its body.

Viridescent paws singed dirt as the tuk’ata sprinted towards the yellow-eyed scoundrel. He holstered Alana with a flourish and unclipping his lightsaber. With a flick of his wrist he twirled the saber hilt, activating its verdant plasma blade. Aru had his hangover burned out of him last time, so he wasn’t going to get hurt again—if only so he wouldn’t disappoint his Mistress. Law’s right hand clutched his chest as the ancient tomb protector was about to reach him.

Dark teal burst to life with a snip-snap-whoosh. Rustling fire crackled as the turquoise tuk’ata struggled against Worship. The tall Sith was mocking it with a modulated cackle, clearly enjoying herself subjugating the mythical creature. The warhound’s belly glowed with a brighter blue as it inhaled deeply with a low snort. Alaisy swiftly took her hand off the hilt, noticing less resistance. She stretched out with her now free hand, making a clawing gesture. The beast heard a low rumble and could feel pressure on its throat mounting as the latex-clad Sith tapped deep into the Dark side of the Force. The aura of darkness became heavier as she clenched her fist further.

A puff of smoke was pressed out of the tuk’ata’s thin nostrils as its airway was blocked. The beast whimpered and wheezed. It felt almost like holding a sneeze back, except this caused its throat to burn too. Cerulean light in its stomach died out before an inferno could be summoned. Alaisy squeezed her argent eyes shut, then opened them in an effort to stay focused. They had turned yellow with bloody rings around the irises.

She rolled her neck from side to side, before tugging on the hound’s leash again. The muscles in her right arm ached, so she elevated some of the strain by putting her left hand back on Worship’s grip. The Battlemaster jerked at the cord, managing to walk backwards several steps, noticing the creature’s tail flailing around.

Dust trailed behind the emerald tuk’ata. It wasn’t going to let the gambler have a chance at another attack. The beast slowed down close to Aru, bending its hindlegs. The pain and claw-marks from the last warhound were still very much present. The bent rear paws foretold an imminent jump towards him—just like the other hound did before.

He stepped forward, meeting his challenger, then he ducked away into a low crouch and let the tomb protector leap over him. He held his viridescent saber down and watched as blazing front paws passed him by, burning eyes looking down. He quickly slid onto his back, hitting the sand, allowing him to just about reach the warbeast’s back legs with a short swing of his plasma blade. The whimper it let out changed from high to low-pitched mid-motion, along with the crowd’s cheering.

Superheated plasma cut through the sinew with ease. The tuk’ata’s long, spiny tail trailed behind and only barely whipped up against Aru’s Syndicate jacket, almost setting it on fire. The royal Sith hound landed gracefully on its fiery front paws, turning the sand it touched into glass. When its hind legs touched down it collapsed on the ground.

Aru raised himself up to his feet with the help of his tumble. Law’s right hand returned to grasp at his chest as he noticed he was panting and taking very short breaths. He turned his head to look at the ancient creature, gritting his teeth. Once the Aedile noticed it wasn’t getting back up, he moved to a safer distance to stare at the crowd.

The audience was blaring and chanting. From the spectator’s seats he could see Zig, Zag, Sera and Sage cheering him on. A lab coat gave him a thumbs up for dealing with the tuk’ata without killing it, then the same guy tapped on the transparent wall and pointed Aru towards his Mistress.

“Wo Taral Kalv, Nu Meo Noretivas ir j'us simts utsoi Nenx.” Alaisy could hear a low rumble, a muttering in Ancient Sith. It came from the first warhound they fought. The tuk’ata watched as one of its brothers was defeated. The latex-clad woman could swear there was a hint of laughter in the voice.

One protector down, I was chosen and you were not. The tall Sith translated the words in her head. Then she peered towards Aru Law and saw him victorious over the emerald beast. In a way she felt proud of him as she dodged a flailing from her own adversary’s tail. But she also felt the sting of jealousy, he had been faster and more efficient and accomplished; all of that while wounded. She grunted as a wave of wrath built up within her.

Whilst Tir’eivra had Worship bound around the turquoise tuk’ata’s neck, there wasn’t much it could do other than swing its skeletal appendage around. So it did. The Sith sidestepped another attempt at stabbing her with it. She noticed the attack was slower than the last, so she timed and anticipated the next one.

It pulled back and lurched at her again. She pulled on her whip, tightening the noose. Instead of evading the tail, she snatched it with her left hand. Her palm burned in pain, both through her living alchemical glove and her own skin. The tip might not have been ablaze with blue fire anymore, but it was still smoldering hot. Without betraying her agony to the tuk’ata, she grit her teeth and fought through it.

Alaisy stepped forward and pinned the middle section of its long tail with her knife-heeled boot. She let go of the tip and shook her hand to cool it off. The beast cried and roared in torment as the appendage went limp. She stomped the vertebrae again and again, further up the base each time, until the tuk’ata seized its struggle completely.

The warbeast hissed and growled, but it no longer tried to move the unbroken parts of its tail. Nor did it attempt to move its head, avoiding the singing plasma-filaments of the Sith’s whip.

The Battlemaster exhaled deeply as she stood triumphant over the ancient tomb protector.

Her Apprentice cheered her on, but the spectators were less vocal. Aru Law had done it faster, better and didn’t have to bully the beast incessantly to make it happen.

The Mystic was all too happy to perform a fist-bump in the air at Sage, who returned it in kind. Zag joined in, but got the gesture all wrong, doing the ‘lizard’ gesture from ‘lizard, toad, snake,’ instead. Zig and Sera were too busy laughing at Zag as she tried to make herself disappear.

“Siy yu simts kulkuwich ikijuwi ulutsuchilkon,” a guttural voice let out, coming from the center of the Colosseum.

May you have purpose again, brothers!” Alaisy spoke the tuk’ata’s words out loud, raising the volume of her vocal modulator. Neither the beast nor the tall Sith betrayed the deal they had struck between each other.

Time to plan its eventual escape.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 19 April, 2021 3:06 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Now it was livid. Wild, emerald flames sputtered out of its body...Viridescent paws singed dirt as the tuk’ata sprinted towards the yellow-eyed scoundrel.

I had a comment in my grading document that just summarized, "pretty sentences," so let that be the general mood for the assessment of this post. Your prose is, to borrow some of Alaisy's own descriptors, dark and beautiful throughout your writing, both in the narration and the combat. And there was a lot of combat. You did very well taking the rest of the story you were served, keeping Continuity and tying up threads neatly, and then refocusing on the fight with Aru and Alaisy each against the tuk'atas themselves.

Then she peered towards Aru Law and saw him victorious over the emerald beast. In a way she felt proud of him as she dodged a flailing from her own adversary’s tail. But she also felt the sting of jealousy, he had been faster and more efficient and accomplished; all of that while wounded. She grunted as a wave of wrath built up within her.

I adored this bit of characterization. She can't just be happy it's over, oh no, she's jealous he did it better too. Fantastic.


Can Be Improved

If I had one qualm, it would be that this last post read more like two miniature matches instead of one. It was Alaisy vs Blue and Aru vs Green, while Red laid in the back and mocked the others because Alaisy picked him? first. It still worked, but I was sad not to really have any teamwork from the Master and Apprentice in either of your posts.

As a final few notes aside from some Syntax errors in comma splices, I was somewhat skeptical of Alaisy not showing any pain when grabbing something burning hot and holding on when her Resolve is at +2, but ultimately decided not to mark the Detractor. We also debated briefly whether the tuk'ata's being able to speak and bargain with Alaisy, not only being intelligent but sentient, was erroneous in the context of this match. Nothing about the Item in Possessions implies it is sentient or could do all that, and the whole of that plot thread reads much more like Sith Magic than the mutations theme we'd otherwise had in the SARLACC matches. That said, because of the premise of mutations, we had to let it slide. Be careful how much you mix Canon/Legends stuff for Sith Beasts with what's in the text if they are a creature in Possessions.