Knight Jinius Griffin vs. Augur Locke Sonjie

Knight Jinius Griffin

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Augur Locke Sonjie

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

First of all, thank you both so much for both writing this match for us to read and for being so incredibly patient in awaiting its grading while the Rite of Supremacy was ongoing. That said, let's not make you wait any longer for a judgement. Please don't let the length of these comments dissuade you one way or the other: they're meant to help, not to critique.

You both did very well showcasing your own and your opponent's Aspects in particular, and both had some good, solid descriptions in your posts of the environment or combat. The advantage here really came down to storytelling. Jinius, despite several moments of questioning Realism, you really hit the ground running here and didn't stop sprinting when it came to the story of this battle. I was engaged throughout, and felt like I was right there circling, back and forth, just like Jinius and Locke were, trying to deal with this fight, this mystery, and the punishment. I felt for Jinius in his hopelessness and inability to prove his innocence. Locke, while you did well carrying the thread along to the final posts and transitioning, it felt like just that, a transition. Like you showed up to help Jinius write his story instead of being here to write one too, and not much more, especially with your Final Post's abruptness. While your combat depictions and syntax were clean and thorough, that lack of storytelling is what made the difference — you showed promise, and I wanted to see more.

With that said, I declare Jinius Griffin the winner of this match. I look forward to the next time you two grace the Combat Center halls, and to seeing what more unfolds with both these characters as their stories continue.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Jinius Griffin, Augur Locke Sonjie
Winner Knight Jinius Griffin
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Jinius Griffin's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Locke Sonjie's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 13 June, 2021 3:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Epis Locke Sonjie Jinius Griffin
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A handful of minor issues in punctuation that didn't detract from readability. Rationale: Repeated minor issues in punctuation in both posts that somewhat impacted readability.
Story - 40%
Epis Locke Sonjie Jinius Griffin
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: While no issues were evident to detract and combat was present, the posts were short and insubstantial, leaving more to be desired. Rationale: An excellent, intense, complete narrative between the two characters that really pulled me in and made solid use of Aspects, combat, and venue to enhance the storytelling.
Realism - 25%
Epis Locke Sonjie Jinius Griffin
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: Multiple Minor Detractors throughout the posts. See comments.
Continuity - 20%
Epis Locke Sonjie Jinius Griffin
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: No issues found.
Epis Locke Sonjie's Score: 4.12 Jinius Griffin's Score: 4.35
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer — it’s only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder Alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Jinius ran. He could hear the rapid steps of Locke Sonjie following close behind. The Aedile wasn't struggling to keep up; he enjoyed the hunt.

Ahead of Jinius, the wall split to create an opening to the medical district. Jinius adjusted his stride. He wanted to follow the wall to where it split and slip last second into the medical district.

Chute Town was a maze, a menagerie of stalls and booths built in such proximity they were claustrophobic. Shop owners leapt out of the way of the Dark Jedi, hoping to avoid any trouble. Bookies and the kind of souls who strove to profit from every situation took pursuit to watch things unfold.

As Jinius tracked and turned with the wall, he could see the entrance to the medical district nearing. He heard the distinct crack of an igniting lightsaber from behind. A moment later his senses flared and Jinius threw himself into a forward roll. He narrowly avoided the Aedile’s yellow lightsaber slamming blade first into the wall with an angry hiss. It stuck out where Jinius’s head had been only a moment before.

Jinius cursed and pushed forward. With a glance behind, he saw the blade sagging as molten durasteel pooled under the yellow blade’s intensity. Glowing orange drips of the viscous molten metal oozed down the wall carving small furrows in the steel. Jinius watched as the blade leapt free of the wall with a shower of glowing globules and landed in Locke's hand. The Aedile was closer and closing the gap.

With the excitement, a crowd began to form in the wake of the Dark Jedi. Dozens of races and species began to form into one large mass that moved to stay close. Jinius quickly found many of his alternate routes clogged with a cacophony of hues and shapes. He’d have to go into the medical district.

“Running will only get you so far, Knight,” the Aedile shouted. His voice barely carried over the clamor of the crowd.

Jinius pushed past several Ithorians muttering intelligibly to each other. Jinius needed more distance between him and the Aedile. In one-on-one combat, he had as much chance as a shrew had against a pursuing hawk. Locke had moved in closer -- Jinius could sense him. This confrontation, despite all efforts to escape it, was going to happen. It was unavoidable now.

“Cowardice is not an attribute we look for when considering who to elevate to Equite, Knight,” Locke sneered. He gave extra emphasis to the last word.

The Aedile shook his head in frustration. This was the one who begged to return to the clan? Naga Sadow had gone downhill with this being the best they could scrape up these days.

“That’s the thing, Augur Sonjie,” Jinius said as he darted between stalls trying to find a way out. He was a rat in a cage -- the crowd was closing in and so was Locke, “Coward is something the old call the young when they ask them to die for a cause they don’t believe in.”

The statement was a little flat, Jinius realized, he and the Aedile were the same age.

Locke moved between stalls. He could sense the Knight's course through the market. It was a matter of time before he flushed him out. “Are you saying you don’t believe in our clan? Our mission? It would explain where you’ve been.”

“Hardly. I believe in our clan fully. It is the only home I have. What I cannot believe is that dying at your hand will accomplish anything meaningful. I came back. I am willing to earn everyone’s trust again.”

Jinius moved almost frantic through the maze of the market trying to find a path that would give him an advantage. He didn’t like only having one choice. Jinius turned into the medical district.

Locke had finally run out of patience. The hunt was fun, thrilling even. However, chasing the Knight had become tedious. It was time to strike. Time to stop prolonging the inevitable. Locke moved faster, weaving his way in and out of the stalls in a fluid grace closing the distance between him and his target with every passing second.

The medical district was only by description more open than the market district. Many of the booths were more bays and configured to support a bed or two, mostly for “elective surgeries”. This arrangement afforded more space but not a dramatic amount. Jinius found himself running out of corners to turn and things to put between him and the pursuing Aedile.

Jinius shot around a booth and came to a long stretch along the backside of some medical bays. At the other end stood Locke, a yellow lightsaber in hand. He has a confident smirk that veiled a storm of frustration.

“Let’s stop playing this game, Knight,” the Aedile said ominously. His expression was dark. “It’s time.”

Jinius didn’t see any options. He could turn back and attempt to lose the Aedile in the market district again. However, Locke had run him down once already. Backtracking would only delay the confrontation more. It was time for Jinius to take his lashes. Or, worse, lose his head.

“Very well,” Jinius said with a resigned tone. His light blue lightsaber came to life at his side.

Locke launched one-half of his dual lightsaber forward. The amber blade spun viciously parallel to the floor. It carved long, charred streaks in the metal and fabric walls boxed them in on either side.

Jinius lurched forward rapidly accelerating towards the Aedile. He counted the seconds in his mind as the dancing lightsaber grew closer. At the last moment, Jinius dropped to his knees. He could feel the cold steel of the floor grab at his robes shredding his knees through the fabric. Jinius leaned back maintaining his slide. He allowed for the momentum to carry him under the blade as it passed a finger’s width above his nose.

Jinius had closed the distance by a few meters. He could now make out the severity in Locke’s green eyes. Jinius came up on his feet again and bounded towards the Aedile in long strides.

The Aedile’s left hand flashed. Before Jinius had a chance to draw, Locke drew, leveled, and fired his DL-44 blaster in a volley of deadly blasts. The Aedile threw himself into a sprint towards the Knight.

Jinius’s senses warned of the oncoming blaster barrage a second before the blasts came charging at him. He raised his arm as the Aedile raised his blaster. Jinius spread his fingers and felt the life energy of the market flow around him. Energy coalesced at his fingertips connected to the world by invisible lines of life energy drawn from the screaming crowd, Jinius’s fear and building anger, and the Aedile’s cold hate. Jinius released the energy in the split second before the blaster shots found him and formed a translucent barrier just beyond his hand. He and Locke were now nearly upon one another.

The first shot slammed into the invisible shield in a brilliant flash of light. A wave of blue-white energy rippled out from where the blast had connected. The next shot impacted similarly. Jinius could feel his shield straining. It wouldn’t survive another hit. The last shot crashed into the shield in a jet of royal blue light that exploded out from the shield like a fountain. The shield collapsed. Jinius didn’t wait and brought his blade to bear.

The yellow of Locke’s blade found the light blue of Jinius’s with protests and cries of fire and pure hate.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 20 July, 2021 8:35 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“That’s the thing, Augur Sonjie,” Jinius said as he darted between stalls trying to find a way out. He was a rat in a cage -- the crowd was closing in and so was Locke, “Coward is something the old call the young when they ask them to die for a cause they don’t believe in.”

The statement was a little flat, Jinius realized, he and the Aedile were the same age.

I loved this moment and many moments. This entire post has many great things going for it. It was a very solid set up plot-wise, especially with the fantastic back and forth of both the dialogue and the chase in sync to establish the tension. You set up the whole introduction, engaged me as a reader with stakes, and handed your opponent plenty to work with.

The hunt was fun, thrilling even. However, chasing the Knight had become tedious. It was time to strike. Time to stop prolonging the inevitable.

I took particular notice in how you expanded your venue in a new way and interwoven it into the battle, both in defining this apparent medical section and in making the crowd an obstacle and the avenues a way to mount further tension in their chase. You had some nice alliterative descriptors and paid good attention to each character's Aspects as well.


Can Be Improved

A few grammar issues surrounding your punctuation brought your Syntax score down slightly. The most common one for this post was a lack of proper comma usage at verb tense changes, like so:

Jinius lurched forward rapidly accelerating towards the Aedile...Jinius leaned back maintaining his slide.

The rule is that whenever you change verb tenses, you have to add a comma before the change. The same tenses may be used in sequence, but a change needs that pause. So, for example, these could all be correct:

  • Jinius leaned back, maintaining his slide.
  • Jinius lurched forward rapidly, accelerating towards the Aedile.
  • Jinius lurched forward and rapidly accelerated towards the Aedile.
  • Leaning back and maintaining his slide, Jinius did the thing.

You most commonly see this in the type of writing we do with past tense and present progressive tense changes, eg. -ed or -ing. Just make sure to find that comma between them and you'll be fine.

Your main issue, though, and what very nearly cost you this battle if not for how well you pulled yourself up by your Story, was Realism, specifically in your use of the Precognition Force Power and in use of Athletics and/or possible Amplification.

This post had lots of strain on disbelief with Jinius' precognitive ability and executing action, to the point of breaking it in both his dodge of the thrown saber and in his dodge and slide for a Minor Detractor. You repeated this issue in your second post, so I'll talk about it slightly there as well, but to focus here, the sections in question are:

He heard the distinct crack of an igniting lightsaber from behind. A moment later his senses flared and Jinius threw himself into a forward roll. He narrowly avoided the Aedile’s yellow lightsaber slamming blade first into the wall with an angry hiss.

This one raised an eyebrow because, according to the text of Precognition at +1, "The Force User is able to sense imminent danger to their person, but often only a heartbeat or two before it occurs." A heartbeat or two is about a second at most, depending on the speed of the heartbeat, and that is not a lot of time to do anything. Notably, Precog's further ranks specify that the time is enough to counter; that's baked into the Power for you. Even at just +2, the text dictates, "..they can sense danger within two or three heartbeats before it happens, affording them the opportunity to react." If you look at each rank's description on the Force Powers wiki linked above, you'll see how each further rank elaborates on this. But at +1? It's really only the sense of the danger, not the ability to react to it. Because of that, specifying that he has time to dodge in "a moment" becomes unrealistic.

Jinius’s senses warned of the oncoming blaster barrage a second before the blasts came charging at him. He raised his arm as the Aedile raised his blaster. Jinius spread his fingers and felt the life energy of the market flow around him. Energy coalesced at his fingertips connected to the world by invisible lines of life energy drawn from the screaming crowd, Jinius’s fear and building anger, and the Aedile’s cold hate. Jinius released the energy in the split second before the blaster shots found him and formed a translucent barrier just beyond his hand. He and Locke were now nearly upon one another.

This section was more of an issue because of how much was happening and how it happened. The usage of Barrier is written beautifully here, but the timing of your action sequences and their business muddies it. Even at +3 Barrier, when a barrier can form instantaneously, the second of warning of +1 Precognition wouldn't allow Jinius time to do so when he was already just charging at Locke, getting closer, and then Locke shot blaster bolts at him. While blaster bolts are slower than bullets, being plasma shots...they're still plasma shots. They're fast. If you had written this as Jinius erecting his barrier from across the space, without them running at one another, that would have been fine. With the addition of how each combatant was coordinated, it became unbelievable.

Jinius lurched forward, rapidly accelerating towards the Aedile. He counted the seconds in his mind as the dancing lightsaber grew closer. At the last moment, Jinius dropped to his knees.

Similarly, there came the issue that Jinius has Athletics at only +1 and Amplification at +1 as well. This sentence reads as if it could be either of those or both in use, but if that is the case, he would not be able to use Amplification like that without concentration and that quickly, in combat. If it's not the case, then it reads as though Jinius is just running at a much faster speed than should be possible according to his Character Sheet. Don't get me wrong, +1 is better than me or the average human, but +1 Athletics isn't the sort of thing where one can run forward at a spinning plasma projectile thrown at them telekinetically at high speed and then dodge under it. Be careful to read over the Power and Skills descriptions and gauge what can be done at each level before writing your character doing certain things; if the two don't match, something has to change.

The Augur brought his blade down, pushing against Jinius' own weapon. As the two locked together, Locke let himself take in the crowd around them. They were tightly packed and seemed interested in the fight. That didn't leave him much room to operate. Besides, he did not like the possibility of so many...mitigating factors.

Locke raised one arm, keeping his gaze on Jinius as he did so. He channeled his anger and frustration up that arm and into his hand while he took a deep breath. The Force surged from within his chest and from his hand almost at once, arcs of lightning springing from his fingertips, connecting to whatever bit of metal they could find; one bolt leaped to an illumination bank, shattering and darkening it, another struck some bladed weapon outside a storefront. The blast lasted only a moment, but it got everyone's attention.

"Begone or you will die!" he shouted, his voice booming throughout the street they occupied. A few breaths passed and nobody moved, but then they slowly backed away, realizing the words were for them and not the other lightsaber-wielding human. It didn't take long before the two Sadowans were alone on the street, save for those watching from alleys, windows, and ledges above. At the same time, Jinius backed away a few steps, taking up a defensive stance in the more open street. It gave Locke a moment to think about the situation.

That's better, the Augur thought. He had benefited from the crowd when he had wanted to catch up to Jinius, but now they would get in the way. He did not want to kill any of them if he didn't have to. Even here, in a place like this, he did not assume they were guilty of any crime by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jinius, on the other hand...

"There is no use running now," Locke said. His voice was ice. He wondered if Jinius would try it. Would he run again, given the apparently open path, or stand and fight?

The Knight's earlier words slid across Locke's mind. Cowardice is something the old call the young when they ask them to die for a cause they don't believe in. To what cause did Jinius refer? The mystery gave Locke pause. It did not seem to be the cause of Sadow, for even in the face of near certain death Jinius proclaimed his loyalty. He was perplexed. He wanted answers.

"Now then," Locke whispered just loudly enough to be heard. He brought his lightsaber to bear in a wide, sweeping arc, appearing to overextend, but truly in control. It was the hallmark strike of Niman: Not the "form" the Jedi of old had learned, but the true form as the Brotherhood taught and as it was intended to be used.

To his credit, Jinius blocked the strike and did not attempt to counterattack as Locke feigned leaving himself open. The Augur shuffled his feet forward, leaning into the move, keeping their weapons together, eyes darting for any sign of something creative from the Knight. Locke did not want to be tricked by something he did not expect.

"Tell me," he said. "If you are loyal to Sadow. If it is your home. How does leaving serve it?" He did not ask the question he wanted to ask: why did you leave? Let Jinius figure that out. Let his responses – both verbal and otherwise – serve as testament to his character and willpower.

The Knight responded by taking one hand off his lightsaber and sending a powerful concussive blast of force energy at Locke point blank. The Augur saw the motion, felt the hair on his neck stand, and chose to disengage in one smooth motion so that when the strike hit him, it made him stumble only slightly. He grunted and held his lightsaber in front of him, the single, pale blade seeming sickly in the humid, misty air.

"That doesn't answer my question," he growled.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 20 July, 2021 8:33 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The Force surged from within his chest and from his hand almost at once, arcs of lightning springing from his fingertips, connecting to whatever bit of metal they could find; one bolt leaped to an illumination bank, shattering and darkening it, another struck some bladed weapon outside a storefront.

This post was short but sweet as far as moving the interpersonal interaction along and achieving some very cool combat beats with well-written description and execution. Your Syntax was mostly clean, and you made good use of both your own Character's Aspects and both Character's Sheets in incorporating their respective Feats, Skills, and Force Powers. You even did notably well on writing Telekinetic Strike uniquely from Telekinetic Hammer, enough so that I could identify which one you were using, when the latter is generally considered an advanced form of the former in our system and so it's not common to have both on a Sheet — that is to say, good job avoiding a potential pitfall.


Can Be Improved

That said, the post overall felt a little bit one-sided in featuring more of Locke, and showing off Locke's Aspects/personality without touching Jinius' as much, but there's not much else to be said. Your post is honestly too brief to really do anything poorly/have much to mention on doing better, other than doing more. You took the steps to move their duel along and expand some on the mystery at hand, but I really wanted to see some interaction in this, some more of the back and forth and the stakes that were set up, and I didn't really get much of it.

That was stupid, Jinius thought after sending out the concussive blast. Even the most logical minds faltered under stress. People lash out when desperate.

The attack had given him a moment. Jinius seized that moment and scampered away putting a few strides between him and the Aedile. Jinius resumed a defensive stance with his blade in front, gripped in two hands, and tilted slightly towards the other Dark Jedi. Lightsaber combat was a skill that he still had a great deal to learn. On top of that, dueling was hard.

Panting and nervously awaiting the next seconds, Jinius spoke. His words came out labored and strained, mostly due to the exhaustion, "You ask as if my leaving were by choice. You ask as if I knew where I left to… and why. I don't."

Jinius didn't have much chance left. His mind raced, searching for a solution – an out – to his predicament. He searched for hope.

The words of Jinius's mentors popped into his mind.

Control the battlefield.

Press the advantage.

Never give up ground.

Those were the words of Sith. Sith reveled in power. They believed in strength and power above all else. Jinius wasn't a Sith. He did not believe that power was his sole connection to the universe. He believed in balance. He believed in control. Attacking would put him at a severe disadvantage. It would be his doom. Jinius wanted more distance between him and the Aedile as more distance was more time. More time allowed Jinius the opportunity to think.

The room was nearly silent with the crowd having dispersed. Unfortunately, with the crowd gone Jinius lost any chance for distraction. Jinius would have to face the Augur head-on. The difference in skill between them was staggering – Jinius a lowly Knight not even into his Equite ranks whereas Locke was at the top of the Equite ranks.

"Continue," Locke commanded. He was tracking with Jinius, matching him step-for-step. He had the advantage. He savored in the knowledge that he was in control, and he wanted Jinius to know it.

Jinius continued searching for an advantage. Every plan that entered his mind fizzled immediately when weighed against the situation. Again, the words of the Sith boomed in his mind.

Never surrender.

This time he agreed. His chance wasn't through conventional Sith tactics. No, the Aedile would expect traditional tactics. Locke would best Jinius with ease using traditional Sith tactics. Jinius chose a different move. Something truly unexpected.

Jinius tensed his muscles and allowed the life energy of the universe swell within him. He had one chance. Pivoting and with a brief advance, Jinius moved forward less than a stride. The motion was quick and deliberate – a feint. As Jinius expected, Locke tensed bringing his blade into a traditional parry. Every form built on something, even the alien form that Locke used. The Sith words in Jinius's mind told him to attack, strike, and destroy. He ignored those words.

Instead of attacking, Jinius released his lightsaber allowing it to tumble impotently towards the ground where it died before landing. The hilt of the lightsaber, now a quiet metal cylinder, clinked against the durasteel. Jinius held his arms at his sides, palms out. His gamble was to talk. Unfortunately, talking was another one of the skills he hadn't quite mastered.

"I found… something," Jinius said with uncertainty. As he said the words, he could see the holes in his plan explode into existence like pinpricks in a black cloth. His only chance was to commit to the plan. Hope was a surly mistress at times.

"I found something," Jinius continued trying to pour more confidence into his words, "I cannot remember what I found, but I do know I pursued it. Beyond that, my memory is blank. Erased as far as I've been told."

Locke shook his head in unbelief and glared fiercely at the Knight. "Wrong answer," he said coolly and dashed.

The Aedile continued, "You cannot give me something as weak as 'I cannot remember' and expect me to believe it." The Aedile cleared the short distance between the two of them in an instant.

Jinius had expected the attack. He didn't see it coming, like some master Dark Jedi would have. No, he had anticipated the Aedile's reaction. As soon as the last word left the Aedile's mouth Jinius thrust out a hand and commanded his lightsaber return. He poured his desperation into the command. The cylinder jumped into the air, spinning as it moved, and landed in Jinius's hand. The desaturated blue beam came to life once more. He brought up the saber waiting to catch the Aedile's attack. The Aedile was only a few steps away.

In the time between breaths as the Aedile's feet padded the last few steps, Jinius watched as Locke killed his lightsaber. His plan hadn't included that. Jinius had no intention of killing a fellow Shadowian if he could prevent it. That was not how he wanted the fight to play out. Jinius quickly withdrew and stepped aside as the Aedile closed the last few centimeters. It was a mistake.

As Jinius sidestepped, Locke's fist slammed into the Knight's chin. The impact snapped his chin to the side spinning Jinius around and off-balance. Crimson droplets of blood splattered along the wall in a gory arc from the impact. Jinius dropped to a knee to stabilize himself. He was dazed from the blow. He had planned on dashing away using the Force. Instead, Jinius heard the Aedile's blade explode to life and felt the heat of the blade blister the skin on his ear.

"Last chance, Knight Jinius," Locke snarled. Waves of anger poured off the Aedile. His anger had substance; it was nearly corporeal. Jinius could hear spittle boil on contact with the blade as the Aedile spoke. "Where were you?"

That escalated quickly, Jinius thought in his daze.

Jinius forced himself to look towards the Aedile. The blade's intensity raked at Jinius's vision as his gaze fought against the agony of the brilliant amber hue. It was like trying to stare past the sun. It was enough to shock him out of the daze.

Taking in the gravity of his position, Jinius could not help but feel hurt. Not physically hurt but mentally and emotionally ruined. The hurt didn't last long, however, as defeat entered. Jinius was weary. He wasn't only tired from the battle. He felt alone. Abandoned, even. Standing over him was a mentor – a leader in the clan. This man had years more experience in the Brotherhood. Maybe, if fate had played a different game this man would have helped Jinius through his ordeal. Unfortunately, reality was a slave to fate, and Jinius a slave to reality. Jinius met the intensity of the Aedile's gaze. Nothing could hide the man's raw fury. He meant to end Jinius right at that moment.

"I don't know," Jinius answered quietly. His voice was weak and worn. "They stole it."

Jinius looked away to stare at the floor. He didn't allow his eyes to focus. He was tired of being prodded by doctors and analysis droids in hopes of uncovering the gaps in his mind. No one understood what had happened. He was tired of not knowing.

"Who stole it?" Locke demanded. His rage was building. With each passing moment, the current of fury blossoming off the Aedile grew.

"I don’t know," Jinius replied. His voice was deflated.

"That is a lousy answer, Knight," Locke chastised.

"It is what it is."

Locke spat. "You expect me to believe you don't know where you've been or who supposedly stole your memory?" The Aedile had bafflement in his voice. Jinius didn't notice it.

A second later, Jinius felt the heat leave his ear. The Aedile was preparing to end the fight. Jinius couldn't tell if he cared anymore.

"Do it," Jinius encouraged. His voice was broken and somber as he spoke. He closed his eyes to see his mind's eye cast in a crimson glow. Jinius tried to pretend he was home meditating in the sun. He tried to feel the warmth. It was far better than the truth and he could afford the lie of peace right then.

"What?" Locke asked. Confusion broke through the fury. Jinius didn't notice.

"If you judge my words to be insufficient. If you judge me to be a traitor, nothing I can say adds credibility to my words. If the ignorance, my ignorance, of my past is enough indictment to damn, then so be it," Jinius said. His tone was calm and resigned. He embraced the warmth of the coming sunrise.

Jinius again dropped his lightsaber. The hilt's sound on the floor was lost. It too knew what fate remained for the Knight.

"Strike me down. End it," Jinius said with a final defiant shake of his head. He was fighting his own will to live. His body was at war with his mind. It wouldn't matter much longer. He readied himself to become one with the Force.

"So, you're giving up?" Locke asked incredulously. His tone had evolved into disgust. Warriors hated nothing more than someone who gave up.

"No," Jinius answered simply, "I am not giving up. I do, however, accept my judgment. I am loyal to Naga Sadow. I am loyal to House Shar Dakhan. I am loyal to the Brotherhood. If any of those deem me unworthy, then I am unworthy."

The Knight's words came with the finality purpose. It was something greater than acceptance. Jinius had thrown his lot in with the Brotherhood. He would reap what he had sowed. Even if that meant reaping the Brotherhood's justice for something he didn't understand. Jinius would own it. He'd own it the end.

Seconds ticked by in silence. Finally, Jinius felt the heat move away from his ear. He opened his eyes to see the Aedile stood over him. He'd backed his lightsaber slightly.

"Swear to it," the Aedile demanded.

"Every word," Jinius said simply. His mind rushed to make sense of what was happening.

Locke lowered his blade. "I don't trust you. I do believe you in any case. Here on, you need to earn your keep. I will report back to the Clan Summit with what I've learned. Your fate, Knight Jinius Griffin, is still to be decided."

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 20 July, 2021 8:32 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Once again, you really controlled and mastered the narrative of the story here. I was engaged and interested the entire time, even when things seemed a little convenient or unexplained. I still wanted to see what would happen between Locke and Jinius. I was still on the edge as Jinius dropped his weapon and left himself open, and the whole extremely tense back and forth of his near-execution. The repetition and tension of Jinius pleading his sincere ignorance and commitment against Locke's determined mission on the Clan's behalf really caught me as a reader, and all throughout you made good use of each character's Aspects, which shone.

"Last chance, Knight Jinius," Locke snarled. Waves of anger poured off the Aedile. His anger had substance; it was nearly corporeal. Jinius could hear spittle boil on contact with the blade as the Aedile spoke. "Where were you?"

It needs be said that I loved this section. It had substance just like his anger. I could really feel and appreciate it from that simple statement combined with the unique imagery of spit boiling on a lightsaber blade.


Can Be Improved

Your second post repeated the same mistakes of the first, both in Syntax in lack of commas for verb tense changes, a few dropped or missing words, and punctuation issues and in Realism in the (literal) pacing of the action.

Jinius had expected the attack. He didn't see it coming, like some master Dark Jedi would have. No, he had anticipated the Aedile's reaction. As soon as the last word left the Aedile's mouth Jinius thrust out a hand and commanded his lightsaber return. He poured his desperation into the command. The cylinder jumped into the air, spinning as it moved, and landed in Jinius's hand. The desaturated blue beam came to life once more. He brought up the saber waiting to catch the Aedile's attack. The Aedile was only a few steps away.

In the time between breaths as the Aedile's feet padded the last few steps, Jinius watched as Locke killed his lightsaber. His plan hadn't included that. Jinius had no intention of killing a fellow Shadowian if he could prevent it. That was not how he wanted the fight to play out. Jinius quickly withdrew and stepped aside as the Aedile closed the last few centimeters. It was a mistake.

Again, here and in the paragraphs around it, is the issue of pacing and distance when you're dealing with people running at each other and attacking (or dropping weapons and then attacking, as it were). None of this post reads as if they're more than a few feet apart at any time, given the sequence of events:

  • they were saber locking in Locke's post and then when telekinetically shoved, Locke dodges and only stumbles, he's not thrown back. They disengaged, but were left close.
  • Jinius scampers away a few "strides" and Locke follows him move for move.
  • Jinius strides forward, a brief advance, to put himself at Locke's mercy and drops his saber.
  • Unsatisfied Locke dashes at Jinius, who was...right in front of him, wasn't he? and then moves to attack him.
  • Jinius, anticipating this but not feeling it (eg, not Precog but more an observation/bet) calls his saber back to hand, and brings it up to block in time, but there is no saber attack to block.
  • Instead, Locke punches Jinius.

When it's laid out like that, that is a LOT of drama and narration of movement and action playing out piece by piece as if there is time and space for it all...when there isn't. They weren't that far apart, steps at most by the time Locke dashes, and given Jinius is very specifically not reacting based on Precognition (we've covered he wouldn't be able to react at his rank anyway, but) and that his Athletics/Amp are both +1, he just plain wouldn't have time to be doing all this, moving or summoning his saber. It's extraneous, is what I'm getting at, and that made it confusing. I marked this all as a single Minor Detractor on Athletics, but it could be argued as a Story hit too.

My point is, be careful when building drama like this in a combat sequence, because writing doesn't always work out like watching a movie, where we get flashes that would fit all of this in and visually work. In the writing, we as readers are told one thing (how close they are) and then explained another (all that is happening in this small space and time) and those two things can conflict. It's hard to master such pacing, but I think you have the potential for it — I can see the good bones of it here. Just needs some extra practice.

Locke let his anger consume him to a degree; barely held in check by his objective that he kept at the forefront of his mind.

Don't kill this man, he told himself. He could be a powerful ally in the future.

The Augur attacked, igniting the second blade of his lightsaber in mid swing, sending a flurry of blows at Jinius, aiming for his lightsaber instead of the man himself, aiming to push him back. He did not know the finer points of a form like Juyo, but he assumed that under this flurry of blows his opponent would have little chance to counterattack.

"I get it," Locke said. He struck again, 1-2-3, each blow deflected by Jinius' blade. To the man's credit, he held his own and and did not flee. He didn't run or cower in the face of what Locke hoped looked like a mad assault bent on his execution.

The Augur finally stopped and retreated a few steps, spinning his lightsaber in one hand as he processed his thoughts.

"I've been there. I've had the same thoughts as you. I'm glad you came back. I may have been sent to hunt you down and," he paused, smiling wryly "make you pay," but that isn't really my style.

Jinius replied slowly, repeating his earlier statement. "I am willing to earn everyone's trust again."

"Trust among the Sith." Locke chuckled. "is a funny thing; their trust is only as good as how useful you are to them."

"Here's my advice," he continued. "Find what you want, what this clan means to you. Then find your allies. Here." He tossed Jinius a comlink, which the other man caught in the air telekinetically and then slowly reached out for. "Call me when you figure it out. Beware the darker path, and the madness of the most dedicated followers of Naga Sadow."

"Aren't you supposed to bring me back or kill me?" Jinius asked, seeming confused at this turn of events.

Locke grinned suddenly. "I have a difficult time following orders sometimes. I get distracted with other missions and might forget a rogue Knight. Anyway,"

He tossed a smoke bomb between them and used the Force to retreat quickly before the smoke cleared, wondering at the dangerous game he played. Would be find a new ally, or would he soon be answering suspicious questions from the more dedicated Sadows?

Only time would tell.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 20 July, 2021 8:30 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Locke let his anger consume him to a degree; barely held in check by his objective that he kept at the forefront of his mind.

Don't kill this man, he told himself. He could be a powerful ally in the future.

This was just...metal. A particularly delicious opening bit of flair, and a perfect distillation of Locke as a character according to his Aspects. Practical, loyal, forward thinking, but also vulnerable to ruthlessness and danger from those same things. Generally, that speaks to the good about this post. Much like your first, you do well to Locke's Aspects, you make note of each character's Skills and forms, and combat occurs in their brief saber exchange.


Can Be Improved

Yet once again, this post felt like a token contribution at best. There was the sudden, abrupt turn in attitude and discussion when Locke — focused, follow through to the end Locke — just disengages as if the conversations in previous posts didn't happen, highlighted by the very literal cut and run with the smoke bomb that I wasn't sure whether to interpret as cheeky or not. Nothing substantive happened for the plot.

Nonetheless, you did finish the post, and it did have combat without errors, so there isn't really anything to detract here. I sincerely do praise that you both completed battle. I just wish I had seen more from you, Locke, in the writing, because your writing is worth seeing more of.