Professional Corvin Rootai vs. Battlemaster Khryso Mallus

Professional Corvin Rootai

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Umbaran, Mercenary, Director
vs.

Battlemaster Khryso Mallus

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Sith, Defender
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC and thank you for your patience with this judgment. The holiday weekend threw a wrench into things.

Once it got going this match provided an action-packed brawl between two clanmates. The conflict was well-established and carried into both endings. Syntax-wise you both have some room for improvement. Be sure to walk away from your posts and come back later when you self-proof and try to get a second member to proof your posts. That will catch most of your errors.

Story-wise once the fight got going the action was strong throughout however, Corvin cut both of his posts too short which hurt their story score. All posts must contact action and combat between the two characters and the opening post was cut short just before the fighting started. Corvin's ending felt just a bit too abrupt and didn't feel like it resolved the conflict.

While Khyrso was stronger in the story dimension they had some issues with realism in the final post. The issues were minor but added up. The biggest point for improvement there is reading the character loadouts carefully when using an expendable item such as a grenade or mine.

Overall the match was enjoyable and close but there must be a winner and that winner is Khyrso Mallus

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Professional Corvin Rootai, Battlemaster Khryso Mallus
Winner Battlemaster Khryso Mallus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Professional Corvin Rootai's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Khryso Mallus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Club Kasakar
Last Post 19 May, 2021 1:28 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Nocturnus Warlord Khryso Mallus
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: You had enough typos and punctuation errors that it became a distraction from reading the passages. Rationale: A few typos and misspellings but nothing that detracted from reading.
Story - 40%
Nocturnus Warlord Khryso Mallus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You set up a decent plot and reason for the conflict but the lack of combat in your first post and abrupt ending hurt you. Rationale: Your depictions of combat were exceptional save for one or two spots in the final post where things were a little unclear. Excellent pacing with action throughout and a satisfying conclusion.
Realism - 25%
Nocturnus Warlord Khryso Mallus
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: You had a few realism errors in your final post, namely lighting blasts lasting too long for the power level, using a regular cloak to mitigate damage and using two mines when the character's loadout only had one.
Continuity - 20%
Nocturnus Warlord Khryso Mallus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Nocturnus's Score: 3.75 Warlord Khryso Mallus's Score: 3.8
Posts

Coruscant Club Kasakar

Anakin once visited Coruscant’s underbelly, as an escort for Supreme Chancellor Palpatine’s secret visit. Festering within the 2685th level of Coruscant, it is a feeding ground to the best and worst criminals—bureaucrats among them. Slaves and contraband are bought and sold on the hour, while others gamble with their lives or ill-gotten gains on the roll of a chance cube.

Others are content to seek entertainment, watching holographic projections of exotic dancers in various states of undress—the likes of which will no doubt be traded as slaves in exchange for credits or other services. Games of chance are often obscured under the sheer volume of patrons gathered around the game tables. Smaller round tables serve for social or business gatherings, with more discreet booths tucked into alcoves along the walls.

Having undergone unfinished renovations at some point, the ceiling has been raised to resemble that of a warehouse. Smoke gathers among the durasteel supports, making a buffer for the intense red and violet beams lighting the cesspit below. Zeltron perfumes are among the most common smells in the establishment, while the rolling of dice cubes make for the most recognizable sound above the music. Fights don’t often break out, and violence is often dissuaded at the sight of armoured bouncers several heads taller than most humanoids

Many-hued lights swirled. Music, soothing and light, filled the air. And so did the buzz of conversation from around the club. Liquor moved in crystal glasses, and their takers across the floor. There was something else in the air, thought Corvin as he stood by to watch a game of chance. It was Zeltron perfume he sniffed.

Corvin Rootai, though he despised the idea of mingling with the lower strata of society, yet the still knew it was essential. For instance, it does not do to look at a society from the top-down at all times. To get a complete picture, one needs to view the lives of the lower strata as well. Additionally, such clubs are a convenient place for meeting and hiring "hands."

Moving on, he came to a game for one of the biggest prizes the establishment gives: the highly-coveted lucky draw. Apart from the several players, a sizable crowd was gathered around to get the thrill of playing without playing. From where Corvin was standing and observing, one of the players had his back to him. The Umbaran Prince could only see the back of his nape, hairline and garb. He looked somewhat familiar, and had a female Twilek escort for comfort or motivation. Now, this player was doing better than the others, and was about to play his final hand.

And just like that, it happened.

One of the droids coming from behind Corvin accidentally tripped and fell on the Chiss player, the one having his back to Corvin. The contents of the crystal tray held by the droid dropped copiously on the table, and on no small extent on the Chiss and his female companion. A hush fell over the place. Music was stopped for the moment, and the area manager and other officials rushed to the spot to control the situation.

The enraged Chiss, quite understandably livid, stood up and spun on his heels. He looked at the fallen droid who fell on the floor, and at the Umbaran who was still standing nonchalantly.

After abusing the droid, which in the end he knew to be pointless, he turned on the standing Umbaran "You sir, spoiled the game, my clothes and my companion's honor!"

"And you sir, should know it was the droid's accident. For your wet clothes, I'd be sad if they were of higher taste. As for your companion, honor she has none." said the Umbaran with a small smirk.

"You cad, you insufferable buffoon!"

"And you sir, are a common thief who uses spectacles to extract money from establishments."

"Call me a thief, would you?"

"Of the 3rd rate, at that."

"Those are fighting words, sir!"

"One that'll give you much-needed food for thought, I'm sure."

On hearing that, Khryso Mallus, for so the Chiss was called, brought out his Blastech LL 30.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 31 May, 2021 6:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Many-hued lights swirled. Music, soothing and light, filled the air. And so did the buzz of conversation from around the club. Liquor moved in crystal glasses, and their takers across the floor.

Your use of descriptive language established a clear picture of the scene for the reader. This is certainly a strong point in this post.


Can Be Improved

On hearing that, Khryso Mallus, for so the Chiss was called, brought out his Blastech LL 30.

The ACC rubric requires that duelist hall matches “focus on the combat between the member characters.” You established the interpersonal conflict between the characters but ended the post abruptly just as the action was going to start. As a general rule you should have action in every post of an ACC match with, as the rubric says, the focus being on the combat between the two characters. This is a story detractor.

The crowd surged away from the two Plagueians as it became evident conflict was breaking out. Stressed whispers and worried cries mixed with the club’s music, but Khryso was already squeezing the trigger of his LL-30. Corvin had reacted as soon as the weapon came out, taking a knee behind a nearby table to provide himself some cover. As soon as the Umbaran was out of immediate danger, he drew his E-11 and began to think.

Khryso had frozen with his pistol pointed at Corvin’s cover. Unlike the Professional, the Chiss’ thoughts weren’t on the fight itself. With the heat of the moment having a second to dissipate, Khryso felt a sense of shame settling over him. He had lost his composure. It had been a long time since he had let something trivial like this affect him enough to provoke a needless fight. His thoughts drifted back to Tatooine and the less than pleasant results of that mission.

When the familiar feeling of impending danger came, Khryso’s distracted thoughts caused a delayed reaction to them. Corvin had poked the barrel of his rifle around the edge of his cover and released a short burst of fire. The Chiss found himself dancing away to his right in response, barely avoiding the bolts that sunk themselves into the table behind him.

Shaking away the memories, Khryso refocused on the here and now. He could reminisce later. Right now, he needed to finish what he had started. Honing in on the presence of the Force and calling it to him, Khryso corralled his feelings of anger and frustration from moments ago. Focusing his senses forward, he pinpointed Corvin’s location. When next he sensed danger, he was ready.

Corvin’s next volley of blaster bolts sent him further right, even nearer to the crowd. While most of the people had dispersed, there were some who had stayed to spectate. They kept their distance, quickly shuffling backwards as the Chiss neared them. Khryso was not worried about the crowd, however. Instead, he was calling upon the Force to seize hold of the table Corvin was behind. Energy gathered around the piece of furniture like clouds around a mountaintop before the Sith felt his grasp was secure and ripped the table away, exposing the Umbaran.

Squeezing his trigger, Khryso released several blaster bolts, following Corvin’s path as the Umbaran scrambled into more cover. A couple of bolts might have hit their mark had they not dissipated against the Professional’s energy shield.

Khryso paused. If an energy shield was protecting Corvin, he was likely better off closing the gap and using his lightsaber. Reacing into his cape, the Chiss pulled out his lightsaber and holstered his pistol.

Before Khryso could activate his blade, however, a strong firm hand grasped his shoulder. Khryso glanced up at the armored figure, their visor disguising any expression they may be making. “You should probably take this outside,” a deep voice rumbled, the slight sounds of modulation making them sound inhuman.

Khryso realized that with this fight he’d probably be banned from the club for quite a while. He pressed his lips together tightly, running the options through his head. Perhaps taking this fight outside was for the best. He wasn’t fond of interrupting what they had started, but he wasn’t eager to lose access to this place either.

However, before the Chiss could respond, another volley of blaster bolts came from Corvin’s cover. Khryso activated his blade and quickly deflected them, feeling the hand on his shoulder tighten. “I suggest,” he said, glancing at the bouncer, “that you unhand me and spend your time convincing my opponent instead.”

The bouncer mumbled something angrily and motioned with his head towards two other bouncers that were approaching Corvin from behind. Then, his grip shifted and grasped Khryso’s clothes, lifting him off the ground. “I didn’t come over here to talk.”

Khryso grimaced, his lightsaber quickly slashing through the bouncer’s wrist and severing the hand that was holding him. As the Chiss dropped to his feet, he shook off the severed hand and sighed. “I apologize, but I can’t have you manhandling me. I’m more than willing to cooperate peacefully.” He turned towards Corvin. “Go get that arm looked after, this shouldn’t take much longer.” With that, he surged forward, intent on utilizing the bouncers moving towards Corvin to close off the Umbaran’s escape routes.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 31 May, 2021 6:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Squeezing his trigger, Khryso released several blaster bolts, following Corvin’s path as the Umbaran scrambled into more cover. A couple of bolts might have hit their mark had they not dissipated against the Professional’s energy shield.

The descriptive language you employ in your action scenes creates a vivid and well-paced mental picture for the reader. Well done!


Can Be Improved

Reacing into his cape, the Chiss pulled out his lightsaber and holstered his pistol.

I believe you meant reaching.

"Please stop fighting or we'll be forced to do it for you" came a voice from behind Corvin while he was still crouched, blaster in hand. Just moments ago he saw Khryso slice off the wrists of the guard confronting him. Crazy Sith! Can't walk anywhere without using a lightsaber, the Umbaran mused. However, he now had pressing matters to attend to. He stood up and confronted the two armored guards first.

"I'd glad to my man, but first you need to tell that madman to cease."

With a touch of irritation one of the armored guards said "You both will cease right now, at once."

As he was thus only begun to speak to the guards, a sound came from behind him, the sound of someone stepping on broken glass, crushing them further. Corvin spun on his heels and beheld the angry Chiss striding towards him, lightsaber in hand. Even an idiot could see he was trapped now, between the hammer and the anvil, between the guards and the Sith. This needed some quick thinking, for he did not like being arrested like a common criminal, and even less did he want to be sliced off like bacon by a lightsaber.

Fortunately, the Umbaran was a quick thinker. He knew what he needed to do.

Corvin Rootai raised his hands up, a gesture of surrender, and dropped his rifle! He made especially sure that the guards and the Sith saw him dropping his weapon. Khryso slowed down his walk somewhat, with a look of suspicion, and with a calculating expression. Corvin had to act fast while the iron was still hot.

"Come now, Khyrso! Are we not both from the same Clan? Do both now fight for Plagueis? I at least put down my weapons!"

"Changed your tone when you're trapped, huh?" laughed the Sith.

"Nothing of the sort. Fighting it out here does not do our unit any good, but only sallies it name, and..." here he turn to speak to the establishment's staff and managers, "...we only uselessly damage this wonderful property, and put to risk everyone here. I at least do not want that! Perhaps you should too." Corvin stopped, with only the slightest smirk.

The murmur of voices which ceased suddenly when their fight started began once more like a swarm of buzzing bees.

"Yes, he's right!"

"He should put that lightsaber down!"

"It's his fault, it is!"

"They should both give up!"

From all around came such voices from the guests, those that remained anyway.

Khryso looked around himself once, and slowly extinguished his angry lightsaber and belted it. "As you wish, fellow Plaguean. I have no wish to fight either." While still slightly suspicious, he was beginning to feel as if his foe was wronged as well by him, and that in the end, it was truly no one's fault completely.

His foe smiled widely, if such a thing could be there amongst his gaunt species. "Of course, I understand. And to show my good intention, all damages to the establishment and to you shall be from me."

"That shall more than repair all damages." The Chiss now seemed to have out his guard down and came near the Umbaran, smiling and a hand extended as if to shake his hand. This was the opening the Corvin was waiting for! This was the golden moment, and he could not let it go. He had to teach this upstart Sith what the term 'last laugh' means.

Without warning, and before the guards could do anything, Corvin grabbed Khryso's arm, entered into close quarters, and swung! Khryso was on the floor before he knew what was happening. He was too shocked, in complete disbelief. An even more disbelief were the two guards, on whom the Chiss fell. Khryso seethed with rage, and scrambled up somehow. But within those few stunned moments, the Umbaran had escaped through the kitchen!

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 31 May, 2021 6:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

"Come now, Khyrso! Are we not both from the same Clan? Do both now fight for Plagueis? I at least put down my weapons!"

You did an excellent job highlighting the different philosophies and demeanors of the two characters in this post.


Can Be Improved

You had a recurring issue with verb tense (as in having the wrong tense for the context of the sentence) and some missing punctuation. In addition to getting posts proofed by others try reading passages out loud to catch any awkward sentences or stray typos.

But within those few stunned moments, the Umbaran had escaped through the kitchen!

Surprise endings can be effective but they are also a challenge. I don’t think your surprise sucker punch at the end hit the way you think it did with your audience. The goal of an ending post is to resolve the conflict and abrupt escape by one character with the other character still standing just isn’t very satisfying to the reader in most instances.

With Khryso closing the distance between them, Corvin put the last pieces of his plan into place. It would require some pinpoint precision and timing to pull off, but he hadn’t exactly expected this fight to break out, so he hadn’t come prepared. Nevertheless, the Umbaran would make do with what he had on his person.

As Khryso vaulted over the table Corvin was using for cover, Corvin simultaneously slid under it, coming out on the other side. With a swift kick, he pushed the table backwards a few inches, hoping to knock the Chiss off-balance before diving away. After a quick tuck and roll, the Umbaran came up into a crouch and thumbed the detonator in his hand. The mine he had set on the table exploded, sending out waves of shrapnel that peppered the crowd, armored bouncers, and Khryso.

The Sith had already been moving away from the blast, following Corvin’s movements, but was still caught in the back by the shockwave. However, having sensed the danger at the last minute, Khryso had managed to put his cloak and saber between him and the blast, minimizing the damage. Nonetheless, as he dropped to his feet, he felt small stings in several places across his back.

Corvin had continued his retreat, barreling into his spectators and reaching down to flip on his holoshroud. He knew it wouldn’t take long for the Sith to lock in on his position through the Force, so the Umbaran was only relying on the Twi’lek disguise to buy him a few seconds. It at least caused enough confusion in the crowd that he managed to vanish into, losing the visual tracking of the bouncers.

He used his seconds of anonymity to double check his blaster. He would have liked to program a second mine to his detonator, but he didn’t have the time. Instead, Corvin intended to use the crowd. “Look, that guys got a lightsaber!” he yelled, “he must be a Jedi or something! He was probably cheating!”

He continued yelling things in an attempt to rile up the crowd and focus their attention on Khryso. The Chiss’ red eyes locked onto Corvin as no doubt the Force confirmed to him the Umbaran’s identity. Thankfully for Corvin, his strategy seemed to be working, turning the formerly neutral crowd against Khryso. In addition the bouncers, having recovered from the mine detonation, were now focused solely on Khryso, with Corvin having seemingly disappeared.

Khryso raised his free hand towards Corvin, his eyes narrowing as anger boiled up beneath the surface. He wouldn’t allow himself to be made a fool of. Harnessing his rage, blue lightning channeled through his fingers, arching out into the crowd towards Corvin. The Umbaran quickly began evasive action, ducking between the now panicking civilians as the electricity snared several of them. Bringing his blaster into firing position, Corvin began taking potshots at the Chiss as the crowd flew into even more chaos, the room turning into a churning sea of people trying to escape.

Khryso brought his saber up to deflect the blaster bolts, unable to properly redirect them back but keeping them away from his person. He continued to track Corvin with the Force, keeping his lightning aimed at the Umbaran even as Corvin used the crowd as shields.

As the bouncers closed in on him from behind, Khryso was forced to cut his attack short. Drawing back his lightning storm, Khryso instead channeled that Force energy into his body, charging towards Corvin.

Corvin quickly tossed a mine onto the ground between him and Khryso, continually firing at the Sith as he retreated. However, Khryso easily avoided stepping on the explosive, jumping over it and cutting through the civilians between the two of them. Deflecting another volley of blaster bolts from Corvin, Khryso finally closed the gap. The first swing of his saber was wild and Corvin neatly rolled out of the way. However, Khryso’s follow up found its mark, impacting against Corvin’s energy shield and shorting it out.

Corvin scrambled backwards, firing another quick salvo from his rifle. Some of the others from the crowd had drawn weapons and begun firing, but it was more so in panic and fear, leading to wild, aimless shots that made deflecting them trivial. However, for a moment, Khryso was put on his backfoot. That gave Corvin a slight opening to dive in and snap his shock collar around Khryso’s ankle.

Quickly rolling away, the Umbaran reached for the activation switch on the collar but froze in place. The world seemed to freeze as the only sound in his ears was the buzzing of Khryso’s violet lightsaber as it pierced his chest.

Breathing heavily, the Chiss withdrew his blade from Corvin as the Umbaran dropped to the ground, offering up his final breath. With a quick slash, he severed the collar from his ankle. The Club had devolved into chaos. As far as Khryso was concerned, this had been an utter disaster. He needed to make a quick exit. Running for the window, he quickly cut it down with his saber and leaped through.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 31 May, 2021 7:02 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The combat descriptions in this post were vivid and kept the action flowing right up until the end. The ending provided a decisive conclusion to the conflict and was satisfying as a reader.


Can Be Improved

Khryso had managed to put his cloak and saber between him and the blast, minimizing the damage.

Khryso’s cloak is a standard cloak and it is difficult to imagine how something as thin as a lightsaber would be able to protect from a blast. This is a minor realism error.

Corvin quickly tossed a mine onto the ground between him and Khryso

Corvin only had one mine in his loadout and that mine was already used earlier in this post. This is using an item not in the loadout and is a minor realism error.