Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Mystic Fenrir

Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
vs.

Mystic Fenrir

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Force Disciple, Marauder, Krath
Comment

First of all, thank you for fighting and completing your match! This was a curious one to read, as I perused your sheets and saw the oddities (hi, Fenrir :P), I was really expecting to dog (heh) on both of you about Fenrir’s fighting ‘style’. That you both only took a single minor realism hit is pretty impressive!

Appius, if someone else had graded this they might have said something about your intro/outro besides ‘this wasn’t between the fighters’ but, you got me. In the future, if you do this, at least try to have the intro/outro involve the fighters, as aside from name-dropping Fenrir at the start...none of it really had anything to do with them. An ACC match is between two fighters, the focus should stay on them, and when someone 'wins' (in this case a rancor smashing Appius to the point of being unable to fight), that's the end of the match.

You also kept having an issue with modified dialogue, in that you’d start an entirely new sentence instead of properly denoting it with a lower-case. Example:

"That was nothing more than a lucky hit and you know it!" The Mandalorian retorted.

You did that throughout both posts, possibly spellcheck screwing with you.

Fenrir, I’m aware you’re avoiding any kind of martial arts skill for reasons of ‘wild beast’ mode, which I can appreciate, but you could probably pick up the Wookiee wrestling martial art and re-tool your combat aspect to mention Fenrir being a bit more ‘feral’ about it, using tooth and claw. This would level out the massive disadvantage you were at in this match where you had no actual combat skill against someone with +4.

Otherwise, work on your descriptive usage of power, as stated in the notes, your suppression was fire but your name dropping of things like Haste was heavy-handed and unwieldy, it takes the reader (the judge) out of the action and that does no favors for your Story score. And get proofed!

As I explained in the judge chat, this was ‘a buff, drunk frat boy swinging at a judo master’ and really Appius should have put Fenrir in the ground a few minutes in, but nobody would have wanted to read that, so I admire both of you for not taking the easy route.

While Fenrir's ending had some issues, and Appius takes the Syntax advantage, I've given the wolfman Story advantage for a crunchy, metal ending, leaving the score staggeringly close. Sadly we can't do real ties, so...

Fenrir takes the win by a (dog)hair!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight, Mystic Fenrir
Winner Mystic Fenrir
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 19 September, 2021 8:37 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
D’yz’xarh High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Minor issues throughout both posts, mostly misspellings and commas. Rationale: Minor issues through both posts, broken down further in notes.
Story - 40%
D’yz’xarh High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Great writing of Suppression, but your rushed ending post hurt you, show don't tell so much, you did great with suppression, do it with the rest! Rationale: Decent amount of fighting, nothing really stood out here though.
Realism - 25%
D’yz’xarh High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Ending post, beskar, biteforce, in the notes. Rationale: Minor issue in your ending post, check the notes.
Continuity - 20%
D’yz’xarh High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
D’yz’xarh's Score: 3.85 High Inquisitor "Aequitas" Anderson's Score: 3.72
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers hoping to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

"He's nothing more than a dog, a brute that can't control his own instincts," Aleister argued to the Plagueis Consul whilst Fenrir could do little more than watch from his cage. Durasteel rarely held him back, so something a little more high-tech was required. So there he was, the Shistavanen growling softly to himself as he awaited the result of his actions, a forcefield holding him in place no matter how many times he tried to break free.

"But he's a very powerful beast," the Quaestor of House Ventress, Qormus Aquila, spoke in Fenrir's favour, giving the 'Monster of Plagueis' a slim glimmer of hope that somehow he would escape harsh punishment.

"You are correct, Qormus," Aleister continued. "But as you can see from my face, he's more a hindrance than an ally. He killed three of our Dread Lord's guards in a blind rage and injured several others. Including myself. His bloodlust is insatiable, and he must be dealt with."

The face of Aleister was marred by three diagonal scratch lines that darted from his brow, across his right eye and down his cheek. He was lucky. If the cuts had been just millimetres deeper, the Human could have become blind in one eye. As it stood, Aleister had a vaguely mysterious visage about him, not that the red-headed Sith felt like that at the current moment in time. To Fenrir, it was a much-needed improvement.

The giant Shistavanen forced himself to glance upon the judge, jury, and executioner for his makeshift trial. A beautiful woman, barely dressed yet scarily powerful, listened to each word with contemplation in her features. She was Selikah Roh, former Herald of the Brotherhood and the current Consul and returning Dread Lord of Clan Plagueis.

"I've heard enough," Selikah spoke, her voice tinted with the authority that snapped everyone in the room to her attention. "Fenrir, you are indeed powerful with the Force. However, your lack of control has caused damage to Plagueis personnel and members. I won't kill you, but maybe some time in isolation will help you see some sense. You are hereby banished until a time we believe you can be among us once more."


And banished he was. No tools, and no weapons. It was just him and his bare paws surviving off the land as best he could. Felucia was unforgiving at the best of times and downright hostile at the worst. Fenrir had been on the planet for a couple of days, yet he'd taken a certain liking to the old rancor graveyard that littered the nearby landscape. Compared to the rest of Felucia, it was like a carcass that had been picked dry. The two-hundred-metre expanse was devoid of all life. Dust lingered in the air, polluting it and making the air around hard to breathe. Bones littered the floor every few steps Fenrir took, and the wretched stench of decay offended Fenrir's advanced canine senses. But the one thing that drew the Plagueian to this horrid squalor was the presence of the dark side of the Force.

It gave the Mystic a sense of familiarity. It overwhelmed him at first, but the longer he remained, the more like Aliso it began to feel like. It felt like home, his den, and any predator that entered his domain looking for scraps had better be fast if it wanted to get away before he slaughtered it for sustenance. The one exception was his own pet. A giant, oversized rancor that obeyed Fenrir's every whim. The Shistavanen had a certain affinity for beasts, and he tamed the largest, most fear-inducing one he could find.

The sudden sound of a heavy boot crushing bone nearby alerted the Shistavanen. His senses ignited and Fenrir sprung to his feet and faced the direction the noise came from, but not before signalling to his rancor not to attack without his permission. The canine-like being snarled and growled in both a display of dominance and territorial protection. What emerged before Fenrir was a man clad in bright red, heavy armor. It was Mandalorian by design, though the Plagueian's eyes were drawn to the ostentatious lightning bolt upon the chest plate. Fenrir stood upright, and from a few feet away, it was clear to the Shistavanen how much he towered over this intruder, just the way he liked it.

"Geez, your file said you were tall, but you must be the tallest person I've ever seen, and I've stood next to Alaisy!" The strange Mandalorian commented, keeping his distance. "And what the hell has that thing been eating? It's huge!" The red-clad man finished, pointing at Fenrir's rancor.

"You… Plagueis?" The Shistavanen growled, his use of Galactic Basic slurred.

"Who? Me? Ugh, no," the Mandalorian answered, seemingly recoiling at the suggestion that he was a member of Clan Plagueis. "You won't catch me dead being associated with them, but I haven't introduced myself, have I? My name is Appius Wight, and I am the acting Proconsul of Clan Taldryan."

Fenrir's eyes snapped open wide. He recognised that name. Most in Clan Plagueis did after the war with Vizsla in the Zsoldos system.

"Taldryan doesn't have a Rollmaster at this moment in time, so Erinyes has kindly… volunteered..." Appius made quotation marks in the air with his hands. "Me for recruitment duties. Our spy network picked up that you were banished from your Clan and we've been watching you since. I'm here personally to offer you a place in Clan Taldryan. Our Clan has kind of become a place to go for those who have nowhere else to go. A brotherhood within a Brotherhood, as they say. All you have to do is say the word and we can get you off of this hellhole."

The words of Appius entered Fenrir's sensitive ears, though none registered to the Shistavanen. That name, Appius Wight. Fenrir knew the Mandalorian was wanted dead for crimes against Clan Plagueis members during the war with Vizsla. What he was now doing as Proconsul of Taldryan, Fenrir didn't know, and nor did he care. What he had here was an opportunity. An opportunity to get in good with his peers in Plagueis again! He wanted vengeance for his Clan. No, he needed vengeance.

"So, what do you say? Do we have an agreement?" Appius said as he held out his right hand towards Fenrir, though the 'Monster of Plagueis' only had one thing in mind…

"Fenrir… KILL!"

The hulking behemoth of a Shistavanen injected the Force into himself like an adrenal shot and launched himself towards Appius. The Mandalorian felt the attack coming, but wasn't prepared for how fast Fenrir would be. The Taldryan Proconsul raised his arms to defend himself, but was too slow to prevent Fenrir's hairy palm from wrapping around his throat. With one swift motion, Fenrir spun with Appius in his hand and launched the Taldryanite towards the rancor. The Mandalorian crashed into a pile of broken bones and rolled to a stop in front of the rancor's toes. Fenrir raised one arm high into the air, and the rancor responded in kind by raising its two giant arms above its head, its hands clenched into fists that mimicked giant hammers. The Taldryan Proconsul coughed and wheezed as his lungs could get precious air again.

"Frakk, no!" Appius suddenly exclaimed. A stream of white and blue electricity lanced out of the fingertips of both of his hands towards the rancor. The beast released a blood-curdling scream as the lightning enveloped its body, lights flashing against the murky Felucia atmosphere. Moments later, it fell back into the dust and dirt, causing a small quake as the gargantuan creature slammed to the ground.

Appius rose to his feet, and Fenrir grit and bared his fangs. That was his pet. The rancor was still breathing, but this man, this Mandalorian had caused it pain and the Plagueian was going to make Appius pay for it!

Whilst the Mandalorian was still getting his bearings, Fenrir seized his opportunity and leapt at the Taldryan Proconsul whilst he was distracted. Appius felt the attack coming, and reached for the lightsaber at his waist. The Mandalorian was about to activate the deadly weapon when Fenrir swiped at the Taldryanite's arm, the force of which was great enough to knock the lightsaber hilt out of Appius' hand as it careered into a pile of rancor bones several feet away. Appius stepped back as Fenrir threw his entire body weight at Appius with reckless abandon. The Proconsul, however, was prepared this time and sidestepped Fenrir's lunge. Appius grabbed hold of the beast's wrist and used the Plagueian's momentum against him, manipulating the Shistavanen and flipping Fenrir onto his back, kicking up a cloud of dust. In a sudden twist of irony, the 'Monster of Plagueis' felt his airways tighten like a vice had clamped on his airways. Fenrir's heart thundered in his chest and his eyes went wide as he was lifted off the ground by what felt like an invisible tether. He lingered in the air whilst just below stood the Taldryan Proconsul with his arm outstretched towards him.

"You know what, Fenrir? I tried to be nice, I really did. But if that's the way you want to play, then so be it. It's been a while since I put a Plagueian in their place, and I'm more than happy to put you on a leash!" Appius spat, and as much as Fenrir wanted to tear the Mandalorians appendages from his body, he was unable to. The Taldryanite waved his arm as Fenrir soared through the air.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 27 September, 2021 1:00 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Decent amount of combat, working with what was available. The descriptions of the graveyard were solid.

Can Be Improved


Had a few extra commas for short sentences that weren’t really compounded. I understand the frustration of writing off a sheet where your opponent doesn’t actually have any combat skills, and you did fine by the end, though the idea of Fenrir knocking Appius’s saber hilt away with such precision was questionable at best.

Fenrir ended up hitting the ground pretty hard, dropping amidst the bones of animals long dead. His vision was clouded both by a dull pain and by the smoke that gathered and swirled from his fall. From a distance, he heard a groan. That was his pet. It was alive but wasn't yet able to rejoin the fight. With a snarl, Fenrir sprang up. Still feeling the effect of the Force choke and the Telekinetic power from his adversary, he swayed momentarily in place. He was still dizzy from the sudden fall. Inwardly though, he was just as enraged as before.

From a distance, he could see the Mandalorian close the distance between them. As he came closer, he called out and another warning. "Have you had enough, beast? I have more where that came from, but I choose not to dish it out. Will you come quietly?"

As if in an answer to that, the monstrous Shistavanen sprang at his foe. Aided by the Dark Side, he moved with superhuman speed to close the distance between them, one hand outstretched as if to decapitate him. Appius was more than ready this time and sprang out of the way moments before he would have lost his head. Still, Fenrir came back for more, again and again with relentless abandon.

Appius smirked. "Even I can do that! What else do you have?" The Mandalorian warrior foiled all his blows till now, striking his blows away before the wolfman could land and. This frustrated the monstrous wolf furthur, who roared a deafening roar, and with a Battle Haste fueled by the Force, tore at Appius's armour. This time though, the Mandalorian was too slow. Fenrir's chain of attacks was too swift and powerful. The human hastened to get away, to get some manoeuvring space. But the beast closed the distance each time. Only his armour saved him, but Fenrir's last frenzied blow hit him under the helmet with superhuman strength and send the man flying.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 27 September, 2021 1:00 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


For such a short post this was fairly solid! A good bit of back and forth fighting, brute strength wise, and a clear narrative advance. Well done!

Can Be Improved


Show don’t tell! Explain the use of Battle Haste, don’t put it in words, it is very unwieldy and awkward to read. Apt descriptions of what you’re doing is how you level up your Story score! Also, work on your run-on sentences, that entire sequence was probably two separate sentences crammed into one and did not help your score out. Also, furthur isn’t the word you were looking for, further is, Furthur is apparently a rock band, so it is a word just not the one you needed.

Appius landed on his back, crashing with a hard thud among the dry bones and dust. A strong, ringing echo thundered in his ears as he tried to pull himself to his feet.

"Ow…" the Mandalorian voiced. Unfortunately for him, Fenrir wasn't about to allow him to recover. The huge Shistavanen landed on top of the Proconsul and slammed one giant palm into the Mandalorian's visor, pinning him to the ground. Fenrir then removed Appius' helmet and tossed it aside. Enraged, slit eyes stared back into Appius' blue for half a second before the Plagueian unleashed a fast strike at the Proconsul's face.

"YOU… DIE!" Fenrir roared. His claws threatened to gouge out the Taldryanite's eyes, though Appius was just able to move his head to the side so the claws dug into the soft earth rather than him. The Mandalorian panicked when Fenrir pulled back his arm to try again, sweat dripped down his face and his pupils dilated. Fortunately, the Plagueian had made one huge error.

He didn't pin Appius' arms.

The Mandalorian grabbed a fistful of dirt in the palm of his hand and tossed it into the canine-like being's eyes. Fenrir recoiled off of Appius and roared, clutching at his eyes and trying desperately to get the scratching in his retinas to stop. The Taldryan Proconsul took the opportunity to quickly rise to his feet, just as Fenrir's vision began to return to him.

"Oh no, you don't!" Appius exclaimed as he thrust forward his right hand. The Plagueian's pupils undilated as what felt like a flashbang erupted in front of his eyes, a sudden, piercing bright light forcing Fenrir to shield his retinas with his hands again.

Appius could feel it, his opportunity had arrived and he seized it. He forced the darkest side of him to come to the surface. The pain, the loss, the hate and anger he kept locked away except for moments just like these. The Sorcerer let it flow through him like a wildfire through a forest as he drove it to his fingertips. Lightning danced like a thunderstorm from one finger to the next before Appius launched the built-up storm at Fenrir. The Shistavanen, still blinded, yet sensing danger, narrowly escaped being fried by leaping to the side and capitalising by swiping at Appius' face.

Luckily for the giant Shistavanen, the Taldryanite was not fast enough to avoid his first swing. Sharp, elongated claws tore into the flesh above Appius' right eye which extended diagonally over his cheek. A river of red liquid oozed out of the fresh wound, some dripping down into the Proconsul's mouth.

Appius could taste the iron in his blood, and he recoiled at the sensation. His blood was never something he liked the taste of, even in the heat of battle, but Fenrir was like a wild predator hungry for his prey. The cut throbbed and ached, yet there was nothing Appius could do at this current moment.

The Plagueian's vision might not have returned, but he could still smell his foe and he continued swiping and clawing at the Savant like a wild animal. However, just like a wild animal, his attacks were strong, but lacked any kind of discipline, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't land another single swipe against the heavily armoured man.

"Impressive," Appius praised, sarcasm dripping from the word itself. "For nothing more than a beast!"

Fenrir attacked harder, throwing more effort into his lunges and scratches, though his opponent might as well had been the open air.

"You… blood!" Fenrir growled back.

"That was nothing more than a lucky hit and you know it!" The Mandalorian retorted. "I'm going to enjoy taking you back to Taldryan. Forget being a member of my Clan, I'm going to make you run laps around the Citadel just for my amusement!"

Fenrir roared, the slits in his eyes growing thinner, all his hate and rage consuming him, the dark side pouring into every crevice and muscle in his body. Appius responded in kind just to keep up with the hulking Shistavanen, though with how liberal both men were with their use of the Force, fatigue was beginning to take effect. Breaths were getting harder, and Fenrir, in particular, was getting sloppier.

"Some monster you turned out to be! No wonder Plagueis abandoned you here, it's all you deserve!" Appius taunted, and this got to the Shistavanen, who, in his fury, overextended towards the Sorcerer, giving Appius the opportunity he needed to grab hold of Fenrir's oversized wrist. Appius dug his back into the Plagueian's sternum and allowed the canine sentient's momentum to carry him over Appius' body, crashing into dust and bones with a sickening crack.

Appius staggered back and rubbed his face with his hand, staining it red. He was going to need medical attention for the wound, and his chest heaved in and out, the fight having taken more of him than he expected it to. Yet, when he gazed upon Fenrir, he witnessed someone beaten, broken, and exhausted. When Appius listened, he could swear he could hear wheezing, like a puppy that had gotten too excited and worn itself out. From the corner of his eye, the Taldryanite took notice of a single, glimmering object that lingered among a pile of dusty old bones. Recognising it as his lightsaber, he wrapped the Force around it like a tether and summoned it back to his hand, placing it back on his waist.

Appius loomed over the Plagueian like a shadow of death, a scowl present on his face and a fire burning deep within. He normally wasn't one for executions, but considering Fenrir was a member of frakking Plagueis of all places, that same damned Clan that had been the cause of many of Appius' woes, he was sure an exception could be made. As far as the Proconsul was concerned, he was doing the Brotherhood, and the universe as a whole, a favour. Besides, what good was recruiting Fenrir if he was stupid enough to attack him?

"Sorry, Fenrir. I gave you one chance, but this is the end," Appius declared.

Electricity danced between the fingertips of the Mandalorian's hands like a tazer eager for a victim. Fenrir mustered enough strength to open his eyes, and Appius expected to see the Shistavanen express some kind of fear, or regret, or at least shock! But no, instead, he bared what looked to the Taldryanite to be a large, toothy grin.

"Why are you smiling?" Appius questioned, his curiosity getting the better of him.

A shadow suddenly overtook them both, massive in size, and Appius shuddered when he realised where it came from. He turned, and there it was, the rancor was back on its feet, glaring down at the Mandalorian like he was little more than a womp rat. Suddenly, a vicious roar boomed across the Felucia Graveyard, spittle dropping to the ground from its jaw.

"Sithspit!" Appius exclaimed in a panic. The Mandalorian activated his jetpack, the thrusters thundering to life. It kicked up dust as it lifted the Proconsul into the air. This, however, would prove to be a huge mistake. The humongous beast slammed its forearm into the Sorcerer, swatting him like a fly and sending him careening into the distance several feet away. Appius rolled to a stop, unmoving, and unconscious.

The rancor then set about helping its master, and it scooped up Fenrir in its arms and carried him to safety, far away from Appius.


Aliso

39 ABY

After the battle.

"So, Fenrir survived, did he?" The soft, gentle tone of Selikah Roh voiced to the only other individual in the room.

"Indeed he did," Qormus answered. "Supposedly, he tamed a Rancor and used it as an ally in the battle against Taldryan's Proconsul."

"A rancor!" Selikah roared with laughter. "Absolutely brilliant. I'm sure Erinyes is loving the fact her second in command was taken down by a dog and his pet. In that case, it appears we may have use for Fenrir after all."

"Does that mean…" Qormus started.

"Indeed it does. Have Fenrir and his pet retrieved from Felucia immediately. Oh, and do me a favour, Qormus. Keep this from Aleister. I could do without his complaining."

Qormus bowed his head before leaving the room. Selikah allowed herself a small, confident smile to cross her face. It seemed everyone had some use to her in Plagueis from the Di Plagia to the slaves and dogs. It was good to see some things never changed.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 27 September, 2021 1:00 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Lot more combat this post, and an ending! Though I do feel I should snark at a Mando not liking to taste their own blood, seems like the sort of thing they’d be used to.

Can Be Improved


You tacked 500 words on to this battle involving people and scenes that had no impact on the actual match, things that could easily have been ‘Fenrir was mad because Plagueis sent him here to cool off’. This did not help your Story score, matches are between the combatants and whatever is in the venue.

You got a minor Realism ding overall for Fenrir’s ‘lucky hit’ to Appius’s face. Yes Appius was focused on the lightning, but with two levels of Precognition and being vastly more skilled of a fighter than Fenrir, this was just broke belief.

As Appius lay there in dust, ash and smoke, he could faintly hear the crunch of bones under heavy feet. As he lay there breathing heavily, feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of him, he could faintly hear roars and snarls of various beasts. Turning over he rested on his elbows and shook his head. For a moment there, he thought he was almost blacking out. So powerful was the last blow from the Monster of Plagueis!

Fenrir bore on his position slowly, creeping up, taking his time. His foe was dazed and hopefully wounded. Now he could take him apart bit by bit. He advanced on Appius, his steps falling heavily on the bones and dust of ages.

Appius knew now that Fenrir was no longer toying with him, as if he was when it all began. But the human knew what to do in these situations! And was he not the more experienced warrior here?

Fenrir crept up slowly till a respectable distance and then charged down for the kill. But just as his massive raised paw could fall on the fallen human, the Shistavanen howled in pain. A blinding flash of light took away his vision, and he was temporarily incapacitated. It was now Appius's turn to hunt the hunter.

"Here's something you need to learn, wolfman. You should not pick fights whenever you want." As if it were a part of his sentence, tendrils of Force Lightning leapt from his palms and tore at Fenrir. The wolfman howled in pain and stumbled back, snarling low.

" Everyone is not merciful. I tried being friendly, you know. And you behaved like the wild dog you are. Perhaps Plagueis really ought to put you down. No matter! I'll do it for them." Another zap followed, at the Shistavanen. However, the potency and range were noticeably reduced this time. Appius did pay little attention to it, thinking it was more of an effect of his own tiredness than for anything else.

As he raised his palm at the Shistavanen who was now writhing on the white, powdery ground, for giving a final and longer blast of Force Lightning, to his surprise he found he needed to concentrated greatly to produce a lightening which could reach only halfway to the wolf! Again he tried, greater than before, but still, he couldn't increase the lightning's reach and potency. And in the meanwhile, Fenrir was rising. Foaming from his mouth, he gave one earth-shattering roar before tearing down at the human in a blind Rage. It was all or nothing now.

The human quickly activated his jetpack, but before he could fly off to a safer distance, Fenrir landed a blow so great at the jetpack that Appius fell meters away. Quickly he had to throw the jetpack away, for it exploded shortly. He had very less time now, for the wolf was at his heels. He summoned the last of his strength to get his lightsaber, which lay a good distance away. Flick. Swish. He could now hold the beast at bay.

Once more the battle started. The human was more skilled with the lightsaber, but the beast fought with Rage and wildness. It was taking all his skills now to even stay away for the blows of the beast. At last, when he thought he had the beast just where he wanted him and tried to drive one end of the lightsaber into its belly, Fenrir's enraged blow fell on his outstretched arm, dislocating his elbow and shoulder.

Appius cursed, gritted his teeth and gave away. With his right arm limp, he tried to blast through the beast's torso with Force Lightning, but before he could, the beast held his hand down beneath his paw and tore at his left leg with a bite so hard and heavy that he crushed it completely.

The last thing his prey saw was the grey sky above and the sound of wild jaws working furiously on his entrails.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 27 September, 2021 1:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a definitive (and metal) ending with a lot of combat. Your usage of Suppression while under fire was fantastic, that was really really well done and I’m going to save it as an example for others! Now, try and do this with your other power usage in the future, showing not telling will do wonders for your Story score, rather than name dropping powers (you did it a few times).

Can Be Improved


Slow. Down. And get proofed. Your first post was very solidly written, this one felt rushed and unpolished. You were missing words in some sentences, and misspelling others. Also, you took a minor Realism hit for near the end there. While Fenrir is probably strong enough to crush bone, a wolf’s bite force against armor (especially mary-sue levels beskar armor) broke realism. Also pretty sure he should have broke a tooth on that metal.