DJK Armad vs. KP Galleros Sjl

Dark Jedi Knight Armad

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Umbaran, Krath, Seeker
vs.

Krath Priest Galleros Sjl

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Zelosian, Krath, Seeker
Comment

This was an odd battle to Judge, mainly due to a difficult scheme involving story oddness (dresses, anyone? :P). I have appended individual comments to each post but in the end, Galleros takes it mostly on the strength of his first post.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants DJK Armad, KP Galleros Sjl
Winner KP Galleros Sjl
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
DJK Armad's Character Snapshot Snapshot
KP Galleros Sjl's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 27 April, 2015 8:29 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Armad Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: There are some major writing errors, especially in your first post, and comma splices throughout. Rationale: You have a few comma splices here and there, as well as some redundant wording, but in general, you did fairly well.
Story - 40%
Armad Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: While you set up the battle, there was very little here in terms of explanation. I like the ending of your post: visceral without falling into the trap of believing gore can substitute for writing. Rationale: Your initial post was very strong, but there were a few issues in your match that were never adequately explained, not least of all the term 'dress', which appeared to come from nowhere. Likewise, you never truly provided an explanation for why the two of you were fighting, leaving the match somewhat lacking, and the odd choice of having Galleros be so utterly distracted at the end did hurt you.
Realism - 25%
Armad Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: There's a few realism issues here and there, mostly in your first post and the lanvarok battle sequence. Rationale: There were a few things that were inadequately explained, but no major issues.
Continuity - 20%
Armad Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: The rum issue bothers me a bit, but this is only a slight issue. As such, you get mostly full points. Rationale: No issues.
Armad's Score: 3.2 Qor Kith's Score: 3.8
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

Armad felt a bit of nostalgia as he looked out at the view before him. It had been a couple of years since he’d been home, and this world gave him a sense of being there again. His reprieve was short lived as there was someone else on the same roof. He knew someone was walking towards him, not because he felt them in the Force first, but because they were not trying to be subtle and hear their boots striking the ground as they walked. Turning his head to see who it was, he immediately recognized him as the Quaestor of House Shar Dakhan. Turning completely towards him, Armad gave a slight bow to pay his respects to a member of his Summit, “Quaestor,” was all he managed to get out before he felt the Force warn him of an immediate danger.
Allowing the Force to guide his actions, Armad straightened, grabbed his lightsaber off his belt, igniting it as he did and blocked a small metal disc that was moments from tearing into his flesh. Looking up to see where it had come from, he saw Galleros still walking towards him with his right/left arm extended, pointing his lanvarok at him. Armad was stunned, this was unprecedented, and he was about to question him as to why he was doing this, when he saw Galleros press the thumb trigger to release a second disc at him.
Allowing the Force to flow through him once more, Armad was able to block the second disc. At the same time, Armad unhooked his Fire Whip with his left hand, and with some long practiced movements, he flicked the whip toward the hand grip portion of the lanvarok, severing that from the rest so he couldn't fire anymore discs at him. “That’s about enough of that!” Armad intoned. Galleros just smirked as the last two discs came hurtling towards him in quick succession. Still in a follow through stance from his Fire Whip attack, Armad knew that he wouldn't be able to move his lightsaber up to block both the incoming discs. The only thing that he could do was try to dodge it the best he could, falling backwards and to his right, Armad spun in mid-air. Because he still had hold of both his lightsaber and Fire Whip, he probably made a pretty sight while performing that feat. But pretty feats a fight won’t win. He was able to block one disc with his lightsaber, the other ricocheted off the whip and slicing through jacket and left shoulder in one painless go . Finishing the maneuver, Armad landed on his left knee, right foot and both hands on the ground to steady himself.
Looking over at the now hole in his jacket, he remembered that the lanvarok discs generally had some kind of poison on them. Looking up at Galleros as he started to walk towards him, he asked. “Poisoned I take it? Don’t suppose you have an antidote handy, huh?” The only reply he received was Galleros’ pulling his lightsaber as he continued to approach. Sighing, Armad stood up, as his opponent reached what could be considered lightsaber range and stopped. Galleros’ lightsaber sprang to life as both Krath took up fighting stances, now he truly was perplexed by this Quaestor’s actions.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 9 May, 2015 12:34 PM UTC

Your first paragraph has a few superfluous commas and a comma splice in the last sentence. “And hear their boots striking” seems to be missing a word.

The second paragraph has more superfluous commas. Your first sentence is hard for me to parse. The second one has a right/left arm extended...how does that even work? The third is another another comma splice.

I’m...not entirely sure how to parse the third paragraph. So, Armand, grabs the whip, attacks the lanvarok to prevent it from firing, talks, and then Galleros smirks as the last two discs attack Armand? Just how slowly are these things moving? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have time to talk if it’d been a well-thrown frisbee, much less a supposed hunting weapon. This paragraph also contains two more comma splices and some verb confusion.

Overall, the post is amusing and energetic but sloppy. There’s a lot of errors in here that a good proofreading would have gotten rid of.

The crimson blades locked in a star striking performance of cinders and precise movements. They locked eyes with each other as they both made precise thrusts and short stabs to test the defense line. Galleros was however more elegant and swiftly thrusted his crimson blade further against the weaker stance of Armad. The Zelosian’s feet were dancing around and gaining advantage as the Umbaran kept his elbow tight against his waist and refined his stabs. Armad struggled to keep up with the quick thrusts and advancements, while he smoothly evaded backwards and closer to a ledge above a cantina roof. Armad felt the pressure of the battle consuming him, his breath quickening and becoming pants. The Umbaran turned his gaze for a split second to notice a window sitting next to him, he saw no alternative. Armad stepped forward and stabbed precisely towards Galleros’ face which was swiped away with a fluid movement only to be met by Armad’s open palm fused with blue energy. The bolts of cerulean electricity arced and struck against Galleros’ face which burnt the bark on his cheek and his eye. At the last minute, Galleros intervened by raising his ruby lightsaber. Armad took this opportunity and barrel rolled through the window, smashing the glass and rolling down a set of stairs.

“Do you really think you could run from me? I am the king of escape!” The Quaestor roared.

The Umbaran was not one to follow advice and decided to sprint through the complex regardless. Galleros disappeared out of sight once Armad jumped down the final set of stairs and burst through the automatic door to a single apartment. His momentum charged him forward and directly into a fish tank, smashing it in the process. His breath panted and gasped for air, so Armad took a moment to rest against the broken tank frame. His sight looked down at the fish from the lakes of Naboo, flapping and choking for water through their gills whilst watching the gigantic Umbaran mere inches from crushing them under his boot. The irony gave Armad a chuckle, he filled the nearby sink with cold water and placed the surviving fish inside.

“Oh guys, I know precisely how you feel.”

Armad tapped the sink’s frame and then continued to march towards the rear end of the apartment, where he was greeted by a door leading to a fire exit ladder. The Krath tried his luck at the door button but to no avail, it was protected with a code.

“Finally, something I feel comfortable with.”

The Umbaran smiled and kneeled in front of the control pad, he opened up the casing and worked his fingers through the wires and circuitry. The monitor welded onto the rear end of the casing had a camera link to outside, which Armad found useful once he could integrate it. He switched the power supply from the door lock onto the screen and an automated camera recording of the roof above. The grey-faded footage showed him a swift sprinting man wearing a dress, who jumped from the cantina onto the roof above Armad.

Armad thought nothing more of it and pushed through the unlocked fire exit, he quietly sneaked across the metallic catwalk and carefully ascended the ladder to the roof above. He knew someone was up on the complex, yet finding the person in the vertical city was an impossible task. The Umbaran was coming close to the end of the ladder, his eyes focused on the path below him as he preferred not to be flanked. With the final inches directly above his head, Armad carefully pushed upwards to peer over the lip of the roof, looking for any signs of men in tight dresses. There was no life in this particular roof that Armad could see, so he decided to climb the ladder further. Reaching the final ring the Umbaran felt a disturbance in the near area, he slowly turned to find a shadow drop from a roof above and rolled in front of him. The man faced Armad and revealed himself to be Galleros, smirking in pride. Before the Umbaran could act, Galleros rushed towards him and punched his fist forward. The Zelosian developed a ball of white light from his knuckles that exploded directly in front of Armad, the surprise forced his instincts to jump back from the ladder.

“I told you! You cannot run from me!” Galleros roared out as Armad descended to the cantina glass roof.

His coat rippled through the air as his arms and legs struggled to regain balance, yet the flashing light still pierced his eyesight like direct sun rays. Armad’s body met the glass with blunt force and shattered the entire roof into a rain onto the circular bar and it’s customers below. His body bounced off the cabinet of bottles which toppled and smashed against some scented candles, the explosion burst the immediate area into a venomous fire. The bartenders crisped and melted away from the explosion as the nearby customers ran screaming, with their own hair and clothes set alight. Armad was balanced luckily on top of the cabinet in safety from the consuming blaze, the screams of the environment deafening his pale ears. Weakened by the fall and exhausted from running, Armad struggled to turn his head towards the far side of the cabinet, which was safe from the fire because of it’s dense and wide build. He rolled and shuffled his body towards this space until he finally dropped and fell into the bar, his waist slamming harshly. The Umbaran rolled once more into the bar stools that sat just underneath the lip of the bar which levied him clumsily onto the tiled cantina floor. The rising mist of the alcoholic spirits and wines filled his nostrils and frail eyes, but he could see something was approaching him. Armad rubbed his eyes with his bloody fists and recognised the familiar green face of Galleros, waiting patiently with his lightsaber drawn and ignited.

“The game is never fun when you’re losing, Armad.”

The Zelosian approached the Umbaran with his rose red blade pointed down at his body, the look of disgust sat comfortably on him. As the end seemed near for Armad, the tension of uplifted when Galleros reached to the bar and grabbed a glass bottle and proceeded to offer it to him.

“Rum? It’s an aquired taste.”

Then Galleros proceeded to open the bottle and pour the contents of Armad, the dreaded panic returned.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 9 May, 2015 12:34 PM UTC

Your first paragraph has some minor issues with wordiness and a comma splice, but otherwise nothing noteworthy save that it dragged on, perhaps, slightly too long. Your writing also seems a bit odd in that Armad hits you in the face with his shock, and then you stop it with your lightsaber? I can see it happening, but...the description really doesn’t convey it that much.

The crushed aquarium...well, it was good for a bit of a laugh I suppose, and it wasn’t bad writing, but I do feel it might have benefited from slightly more...urgency. That scene basically just took the battle’s tension right out in one go, especially with the amount of words you spent on it.

I suppose the glass thing is to be expected, as movies do it all the time, but it still feels a bit weird. Glass is hard, and going through it tends to slice you up pretty good. People die from falling through glass doors.

The bit about Armad wearing a dress is weird. I hope you have at least some sort of explanation for that. Unless you meant robes, in which case I advise you to swiftly obtain a dictionary. :P

Galleros finding Armad so easily is a bit odd, given the different ways they’ve moved. While Galleros certainly has the agility to catch up and the Force powers to find his opponent, having at least a nod towards him using those abilities would have been a major realism boon.

A brief moment of panic washed over Armad as Galleros started to pour the contents of the bottle on him. Panic, not from the rum being poured on him, but from the possibility of it catching fire. But seeing that any puddle made from the rum would not reach the already on fire alcohol, Armad leaned forward and took a gulp of the rum. Using that moment to pull some of the burning alcohol off the floor with the Force, he flung it onto the back of Galleros. Since, for some reason, he was wearing female clothing, the amount of uncovered flesh that he now had exposed made this next move all the more attainable.

Galleros’ surprise was exactly what he’d hoped for, he dropped the nearly empty bottle of rum as he reared his head in a howl of pain. Before Galleros could regain his composure, Armad lashed out with his feet in a left to right sweeping motion, taking his opponent’s legs out from under him. Watching him fall, Armad could see the flames streak away from Galleros as he fell, making it appear as though he was moving extremely fast. Galleros extended his right arm to brace himself as he was nearing the ground, and started to bring his lightsaber down in an side, overhead arc meant to cleave the Knight in two.

Not wanting to lose what momentum he’d gained in the past few seconds, Armad brought his lightsaber up across his body to complete a sweeping action from left to right, to block and move his opponent’s lightsaber to a position of less power at his own feet. At the same time, Armad flicked his fire whip towards Galleros’ right arm, watching as it looked like it was going to wrap around his arm. Instead a good portion ended up hitting him in the back, causing him to arch his back in pain, as it was still on fire. Armad had been hoping that he could have swallowed that gulp of rum he’d taken earlier, but realized that he was going to have to use it now as an offensive distraction. Armad sprayed his mouthful of rum into Galleros’ face, forcing him to close his eyes. In that brief second, Armad pulled with whatever strength he had left and yanked Galleros’ arm out from under him, making him land on his back with a hard thud. During that quick spin, the flames had come up around Galleros’ shoulders and caught a little of the rum spray on fire, making a nice flash fireball in his face. The effect was rather spectacular as it singed any hair off and gave him what looked to be a few first degree burns across his face.

Having given himself a brief respite from the fight, Armad used his time to pull himself up to a standing position using two of the bar stools he’d been leaning against. Finally getting himself upright, Armad poked his lightsaber into Galleros’ right thigh and left arm as he was trying to roll into a sitting position, causing him grunt in pain once more.

Breathing heavily, Armad flicked his whip up over his right shoulder to make it wrap around him like a bandoleer, then used his now free hand to steady himself on the bar. “The rum was good and I’m not in the business of killing those that could prove useful in the future.” Armad stated as he struggled to slide-walk along the bar towards the exit. “See you back on Sepros.” Armad laughed as he limped through the doorway, leaving the still-smoking Quaestor lying on the ground and disappeared into the gathering crowds.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 9 May, 2015 12:35 PM UTC

I’m not sure dresses count as scanty clothing. :P

There’s a slight continuity issue here, as Armad appears to suddenly have a mouthful of rum despite not previously mentioning this.

Overall, this post is a lot stronger gramatically than your last post, though issues with comma splicing remain.

In Armad’s horror, his eyes locked with the bloodshot malachite eyes of Galleros. The glass bottle glugged loudly and ringed annoyingly into Armad’s ears. The anaseed smell from the spirit invaded the Sith’s nostrils as he struggled to catch his breath. It wasn’t just the poured spirits coating him that he feared, but the growing blaze of heat and the exploding glass. With the glass finally empty, the Krath smashed it against the near wall and sighed to himself as he paced. Armad could see a concentrated look upon Galleros as he rubbed his rough chin, and within the tension he could see something was amiss.

“Hmm, no light. This is pathetic.” The Krath looked around for anything as he mumbled, a cloth, some wood, maybe a rough piece of metal.

Galleros’ eyes looked to his wrist, the Lanvarok was rough as well as the discs inside. The Krath could see Armad struggling to sit up with more fear in his eyes, this delighted Galleros. Within minutes, he took apart his wrist mount and grabbed a spare blade then began grinding it against the skin of the mount. Sparks and filings shot and rocketed across the air as the Krath quickly struck the metal. Armad finally found the strength to lift his body up into a sitting position and concentrated his breathing. By aiming his arm, the Sith mustered the Force from within and hammered a blast against the Krath’s body, tossing him across the room as his body ricocheted off the service door. Armad gave off a sigh of relief then forced himself onto his feet, and limped towards the main entrance. The Sith started to regain his leg strength and began to jog the best he could out of the cantina as the flames engulfed the entire building, exploding the glass from the windows. Armad took one final look at the mayhem before escaping into the darkness.

“Silly Krath should not play with fire.” The Sith whispered to himself.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 9 May, 2015 12:35 PM UTC

Nothing much here, save that I find your ending to be at least somewhat underwhelming. For Galleros to be simply this distracted and thus defeated seems odd, especially as there is no real Aspect that would have him be this inept combat-wise.