KP Zagro Fenn vs. GRD Delak Krennel

Krath Priest Zagro Fenn

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Hapan, Krath, Sorcerer
vs.

Dark Jedi Knight Delak Krennel

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Obelisk, Juggernaut
Comment

This was an interesting battle to grade. Not particularly clean on either side, with issues of syntax, story and realism by both combatants. Delak wrote fairly long posts, often syntactically messy but filled with action, while Zagro’s were short and subdued.

In the end, Zagro takes it for somewhat superior description and better realism. I have appended separate commentary to each post.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants KP Zagro Fenn, GRD Delak Krennel
Winner KP Zagro Fenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
KP Zagro Fenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
GRD Delak Krennel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 21 April, 2015 10:26 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Mauro Wynter Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Syntactically your writing is sound, other than a few minor errors described below. Rationale: There’s the major issue of your codeblock formats, but other than that there’s repeated problems with sentence structure, capitalization, quotation, and verb tenses.
Story - 40%
Mauro Wynter Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Mostly, this is due to the lack of effort. While the writing is technically strong its ending blows a giant hole in my suspension of disbelief. Sure, take down the skyscraper, if you can, but have it be something that flows through and from the story instead of a last-instance deus ex machina. The rest of the story is not much advanced by your posts. Rationale: You win here because, while the story is fairly basic and unexplained, you make a better attempt at actually setting up the scene and moving the tale forwards a bit more than your opponent did.
Realism - 25%
Mauro Wynter Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: The skyscraper thing is frankly so underexplained as to be deus ex machina. Other than that there’s minor issues like Delak having no Sense, and Zagro somehow exploding an entire skyscraper despite no explosives skills. Rationale: Significant issues in most interaction. Notably, there seems to be no realization of Zagro and Delak’s general difference in saber skill, with Delak seemingly superior throughout the fight. Then, when Zagro *does* win, the explanation falls utterly flat.
Continuity - 20%
Mauro Wynter Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues detected. Rationale: Slight issues, notably at the start of your final post.
Mauro Wynter's Score: 3.15 Tribune Kanal O'neill's Score: 2.8
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

       The streets of Nar Shadaa were dimly lit and full of alien species. Some Delak knew and some that he had no idea about. He was standing near the railing on one of the higher levels of Nar Shadaa’s Casino district looking out over the parts of the city he could see. There were many people walking back and forth and back and forth. It was a busy cityscape full of smugglers and gamblers, pirates and thieves. It was the perfect place to hide if you didn’t want to be found. It is very easy to get lost in the crown and in the noise all around you. Delak had received an encoded message from one of his Lieutenants on the ISD Indomitable, the ship he commanded in Clan Scholae Palatinae. The message advised him that he needed to come to Nar Shadaa for a private meeting or his wife Rayna Krennel would be kidnapped and he would never see her again. 
Delak feared this would be a trap, but he had to do what he could to protect his wife. He had been waiting here in plain sight for hours and had not seen anyone, nor had he felt any disturbances in the force. Either he was being played for a fool or someone was very good at concealing themselves from him. It was at moment he had caught a glimpse of a crimson blade coming at him from the side. He was almost too slow but he ducked backwards and rolled to avoid the attack. He grabbed for his own crimson lightsaber as he was rolling backwards and ignited it with a snap hiss as he finished his roll and stopped on his feet. He looked to find his attacker. Staring there in front of him was his Aedile, Krath Priest Zagro Fenn. 

“That was a good dodge Delak. Nice to see your reaction time hasn’t slowed in your old age.” Zagro said.

“Well my age may be up there but I’m in a body that is half my age thanks to the cloning process. Now then, you called for me to come here just to talk or are you planning on dueling?” Delak asked.

“You are insolent Delak. Now I will show you the price of your insolence.” Zagro finished and lunged at Delak. 

   The lunge caught Delak’s saber head on. There was a hiss of clashing sabers and sparks were flying as Delak parried an attack from Zagro. He spun around another attack as Zagro stabbed straight for Delak’s torso. Delak grabbed Zagro’s outstretched arm and back handed him in the back of the head causing him to stumble forward but he didn’t lose his balance fully. 

   Delak pulled his blaster from its holster before Zagro had a chance to recover fully. He squeezed off a few shots but Zagro quickly dodged the first shot as he spun around and deflected the second blast back at Delak catching him in the left shoulder with a glancing blow. It was less energized than the original blast but it was enough to cause his arm to be weakened. He dropped the blaster to the ground in pain.

“You caught me off guard Delak. That back hand was nice but you won’t do that again.” Zagro said.

“I’ve only just begun to show you my persistence Zagro.” Delak said.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 25 April, 2015 1:14 PM UTC

Well, this is certainly a...different way of writing up a battle. A quick Markdown reference check tells me that this way is how code blocks are usually rendered, activated by a tab or quadruple indentation at the start of a paragraph. I’m more or less willing to be forgiving towards that, but you have a preview button for a reason, so this still goes into the “syntax error” file.

There are some significant tense issues in your first paragraph, including “it is a perfect place”, “he had caught”, and “sparks were flying”. There’s some minor spelling issues as well, such as a ‘crown’ rather than a ‘crowd’ and general wordiness issues (back and forth and back and forth). Capitalization too (force rather than Force).

The classic ‘disturbance in the Force’ is a thing of Sense, so I’m not surprised Drelak (with no ranks in Sense) cannot feel it anything. :P

There is a general sense of ‘showing, not telling’, but it’s not executed very well: description is fairly flat and undetailed.

The story seems a big meager. Sure, I can go for someone wanting to protect their wife, but if she hasn’t been kidnapped yet...I dunno, but wouldn’t the first step be to keep her in a place where kidnapping isn’t possible?

Word repetitions on rolling.

There’s a few issues with quotations. A quotation, when embedded in another sentence, should end on a comma rather than a full stop.

The hiding, while realistic in the sense that it’s possible and in-character for Zagro to do, seems a bit lacklustre in that you fail to explain it.

There seems to be little to explain Zagro’s quarrel with you. Remember that, while you might know what this is about, the Judges are neither capable of reading your mind nor required to read your backstories to understand matters.

Description of combat is somewhat lackluster. The scene where Delak grabs Zagro’s arm and backhands him in the face also stretches belief: Zagro is a better duelist than Delak is, and it would be silly for him to get so easily caught. I might believe it if there was some justification written around it, or some sort of Force power employed. Given that this is not the case and both of you are strongly focused on single combat and analysis of your opponent, though? I have a hard time buying it.

The Hapan eyed his prey with inquisitive and thoughtful eyes. He had a begrudging respect for the Obelisk Guardian. Not long ago the Human was one of Zagro’s most promising and trusted warriors for House Imperium. Recent times had caused much upheaval within the unit, and no one was without a blemished conscious after the recent wars.

Utilizing his smaller frame and skill at evasion, Fenn threw himself headlong into a nearby debris heap. The Smuggler’s Moon contained decaying and fetid hulks of skyscrapers even amongst the most opulent and prosperous gambling avenues and byways. Delak could sense his Aedile’s presence yet could not get a sight picture on him. Even in the Force he could only get within a few meters of the Priest.

“A scoundrel’s weapon for a true scoundrel. Good. From one outlaw to another, I respect your blaster skills. Too many of our kind shun a trusty weapon just because it is unclean. Not us. We know nothing of honor” came the scornful words of the Hapan.

Delak shot off several rounds at the voice, sending building materials and the vile refuse of the city streets scattering along the alley. Anger was filling his soul. “Damn you Zagro, everything I did was for the glory of Scholae Palatinae” came the retort.

The Human barely had time to crouch down as he was tackled from the side, and sent sprawling headlong to the ground. His assailant was unarmed, the sheer audacity of such a foolish action surprised Delak.

“I once said the same thing, before I left my men to die at the hands of the Vong. The only honor we seek is for ourselves old friend” said Zagro calmly, “Now pick up that saber and let us end this.”

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 25 April, 2015 1:14 PM UTC

I’m not sure how high Zagro’s “skill at evasion” is, given Athletics 0. Sure, his personality aspects mention he doesn’t want to fight an opponent head-on, but a personality aspect does not substitute for skill.

You ironically fall into the same trap as Delak: he actually cannot sense you because he’s not there.

I also considered penalizing you for the use of Force Cloak, which is limited to once per battle, but given that Delak did not really make your first use all that obvious, I’ve chosen to forego that this time.

You improved somewhat on the story, though its background is still highly non-obvious to me. It is fairly plausible you could have won the match right then and there if you’d bothered to turn the story coherent. For the rest, the post is really short and adds almost nothing to the story, which is kind of a letdown.

There’s some comma splicing (“his assailant was unarmed, the sheer audacity”). Likewise quotation issues.

Delak dug within himself and outstretched his hand towards his lightsaber. Like a feather it flew to him. As soon as it hit his hand the saber activated once again with a quick snap hiss. The crimson blade began to hum silently as Delak held it out towards the Hapan.

“You may have more knowledge in the force but I have all the military training of an Elite Stormtrooper coupled with my force sensitivity. My time with Angelo Dante in the Hammer’s Fist was not wasted. That is why I carry a blaster. That is why I have honed my skills with it and with my saber.” Delak stated clearly with anger in his voice.

“So you believe you are my better? Interesting. I am intrigued and I believe I can still use you to help House Imperium and Scholae Palatinae. However, you have issued a challenge to me and I will accept it willingly. Let us dance.” Zagro said with smugness in his voice.

Delak and Zagro started circling each other slowly. Eyeing each other up looking for weaknesses in the other. Delak took the first chance to attack with his saber held high. He sliced from high left to low right. Zagro deflected the attack with his own saber. Delak quickly stabbed backwards with his saber and Zagro barely dodged the attack flipping out of the way.

Zagro landed on his feet and felt a robotic fist land firmly on his jaw in an uppercut motion. It knocked him further backwards. He felt his lip with his hand. Blood was dripping quickly from it. He smiled slightly with a wry little curl in his lips. 

“Nice work Delak. Not many people can get me to bleed like this. You have skill. Now feel my power.” Zagro finished.

Zagro launched a furious attack on Delak. He sliced left and right up and down saber sparking and hissing as he attacked. Delak was pushed backwards further and further. He felt himself losing his balance. He planted his mechanical leg hard into the permacrete ground. He grappled with Zagro with lightsabers clashed both men grabbed each other’s arms and struggled to gain the upper hand. Delak used his mechanical hand to squeeze Zagro’s wrist. He kept squeezing until he heard the cracking of the Krath Priests wrists. There was a snap. Delak had broken his wrist. Zagro cried out in pain and anger and with all of his power and rage he kicked Delak in the gut as hard as he could knocking him backwards off of the ledge they had been fighting on. 

Delak fell for what seemed like ages. It was really only a 100 meters or so. He felt his body stop falling and instead he was going back towards the ledge. He felt his body lay on the ground softly. Zagro had caught him from an inevitable death. 

“Delak, I have saved you for the betterment of the Clan and the house. We can’t afford to lose someone of your talents and leadership skills. Think about that.” Zagro finished.

Zagro turned and walked away leaving Delak laying on the ground prone and unmoving.
Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 25 April, 2015 1:14 PM UTC

There’s some significant continuity issues here. Notable among those are: “what happened to Delak’s blaster if he’s reaching for his saber?” and “Why is Zagro suddenly saber-armed again?”

How does something hum silently? Continuing issues with ‘force’ and quotations. And, of course, more codeblocks that would have been caught in preview.

Zagro has athletics 0. He can do many things, but a proper flip isn’t one of them. There’s also the second time that Delak matches to physically assault Zagro in the middle of a duel which, again, I have huge issues buying. Zagro and Delak are not equals at the art of saber combat. Zagro is better than Delak, so why is it that Delak appears to be victorious in each of these matches? It is also not clear to be how Delak can ‘stab backwards’ and have this be something Zagro should dodge, given that ‘circling each other’ implies they’re standing in front of one another.

“He grappled with Zagro with lightsabers clashed both men grabbed each other’s arms and struggled to gain the upper hand” is not a proper sentence.

There’s a repetition of ‘wrist’, just thereafter, that would have greatly improved by some variety. I also don’t buy this from a realism perspective. For all that Delak’s hand might be robotic, he still has Might 1, and that means he’s stuck with applying roughly-average physical force to someone.

I don’t buy the kick, either, for much the same reason: Zagro has no Might and no Primary Martial Arts skills. Sure, he’s got Amplification 1 (the use of which is ambiguous at best), but Delak is tougher and stronger not to mention not being distracted by a broken wrist. How is he suddenly kicked off a rooftop?

Finally, there is the telekinesis lifting which seems...a bit overkill, even for Zagro. While he’s got high telekinesis, the ability to stop someone through a 100-meter fall and subsequently lift him up appears beyond him, especially given that Telekinesis only lasts a few seconds.

The two warriors ran full tilt towards each other, giving in to the inherent rage dwelling inside of them. The comingling of self loathing and pride swelling to a crescendo of energy, carrying both Hapan and Human alike forward in a deadly dance of sabers.

The first embrace of lightsabers rang throughout the streets with an audible metallic crackling, and the illuminous sparks erradiating off the crimson and red blades. The two men were relatively even matched physically and the subordinate Obelisk was beholden to a surprisingly skilled lightsaber craft. The two swung away. Zagro went on the defensive, giving his opponent breathing room to operate.

“Damn you Aedile, you will pay for your treachery,” cried Delak. He came barreling towards the Krath Priest, in a powerful yet guarded surge. Zagro was impressed with the bravado and showmanship of this attack. Instants before the impact, Fenn dodged to the right and the Obelisk crashed past him only slightly besmirched by the attack failing.

“No my friend, I will not. You are unwise to challenge me here. If you recall I sent the message to meet me here, to an arena of my choosing. Ask yourself, why would I do such a thing?” Fenn laughed slightly to himself.

The attack commenced once more, blades slashing and jabbing away with neither side overextending themselves for a kill. It appeared neither party had the will and determination to terminate the other. Fenn slashed wildly, forcing Delak back a few meters.

“You have fought well my friend. Now, I must be leaving you. Perhaps I will see you back on Judecca,” Fenn solemnly stated as he switched his saber off, pressed a button on his embedded wrist datapad and darted down a nearby alleyway.

Perplexed, and before he could give chase the Obelisk felt the air pressure rapidly drop as he perceived the sky beginning to fall. He saw the shadows of the falling debris before he looked up, seeing the skyscraper collapsing on itself, sending spires and mortar along with durasteel propelling to the ground.

Timeros Caesus Entar Arconae, 25 April, 2015 1:14 PM UTC

Well, there’s some nice imagery there, in the first post, though at least one former Combat Master would force you into a loss for using the phrase ‘deadly dance’. :P

Storywise, though…laaaaaame. No seriously, a falling skyscraper and no true other plot advancement? Taking down an entire skyscraper? Look, I’m willing to believe quite a bit, but this stretches the bonds of both credulity and good storytelling. If you’re going to do something like this, I want to read more rather than have it just literally fall from the sky like a bolt of lightning. A pity too, because this was otherwise the best and more descriptively sound of all four posts.