The two warriors ran full tilt towards each other, giving in to the inherent rage dwelling inside of them. The comingling of self loathing and pride swelling to a crescendo of energy, carrying both Hapan and Human alike forward in a deadly dance of sabers.
The first embrace of lightsabers rang throughout the streets with an audible metallic crackling, and the illuminous sparks erradiating off the crimson and red blades. The two men were relatively even matched physically and the subordinate Obelisk was beholden to a surprisingly skilled lightsaber craft. The two swung away. Zagro went on the defensive, giving his opponent breathing room to operate.
“Damn you Aedile, you will pay for your treachery,” cried Delak. He came barreling towards the Krath Priest, in a powerful yet guarded surge. Zagro was impressed with the bravado and showmanship of this attack. Instants before the impact, Fenn dodged to the right and the Obelisk crashed past him only slightly besmirched by the attack failing.
“No my friend, I will not. You are unwise to challenge me here. If you recall I sent the message to meet me here, to an arena of my choosing. Ask yourself, why would I do such a thing?” Fenn laughed slightly to himself.
The attack commenced once more, blades slashing and jabbing away with neither side overextending themselves for a kill. It appeared neither party had the will and determination to terminate the other. Fenn slashed wildly, forcing Delak back a few meters.
“You have fought well my friend. Now, I must be leaving you. Perhaps I will see you back on Judecca,” Fenn solemnly stated as he switched his saber off, pressed a button on his embedded wrist datapad and darted down a nearby alleyway.
Perplexed, and before he could give chase the Obelisk felt the air pressure rapidly drop as he perceived the sky beginning to fall. He saw the shadows of the falling debris before he looked up, seeing the skyscraper collapsing on itself, sending spires and mortar along with durasteel propelling to the ground.
Well, this is certainly a...different way of writing up a battle. A quick Markdown reference check tells me that this way is how code blocks are usually rendered, activated by a tab or quadruple indentation at the start of a paragraph. I’m more or less willing to be forgiving towards that, but you have a preview button for a reason, so this still goes into the “syntax error” file.
There are some significant tense issues in your first paragraph, including “it is a perfect place”, “he had caught”, and “sparks were flying”. There’s some minor spelling issues as well, such as a ‘crown’ rather than a ‘crowd’ and general wordiness issues (back and forth and back and forth). Capitalization too (force rather than Force).
The classic ‘disturbance in the Force’ is a thing of Sense, so I’m not surprised Drelak (with no ranks in Sense) cannot feel it anything. :P
There is a general sense of ‘showing, not telling’, but it’s not executed very well: description is fairly flat and undetailed.
The story seems a big meager. Sure, I can go for someone wanting to protect their wife, but if she hasn’t been kidnapped yet...I dunno, but wouldn’t the first step be to keep her in a place where kidnapping isn’t possible?
Word repetitions on rolling.
There’s a few issues with quotations. A quotation, when embedded in another sentence, should end on a comma rather than a full stop.
The hiding, while realistic in the sense that it’s possible and in-character for Zagro to do, seems a bit lacklustre in that you fail to explain it.
There seems to be little to explain Zagro’s quarrel with you. Remember that, while you might know what this is about, the Judges are neither capable of reading your mind nor required to read your backstories to understand matters.
Description of combat is somewhat lackluster. The scene where Delak grabs Zagro’s arm and backhands him in the face also stretches belief: Zagro is a better duelist than Delak is, and it would be silly for him to get so easily caught. I might believe it if there was some justification written around it, or some sort of Force power employed. Given that this is not the case and both of you are strongly focused on single combat and analysis of your opponent, though? I have a hard time buying it.